Chapter 20:

Ritual. Guilt.

"I'm not sure what's going on. All I know is that I got a call from your daughter saying that Callie and Brandon were in trouble. By "trouble" she meant that they're in jail and they were arrested about an hour ago. Mariana and Sophia just found out because one of the kids from whatever incident they got into posted it on their media accounts. I am on my way now. I didn't tell Jill yet. Partly, because I didn't want to worry her, but also because I am pretty clueless myself about what exactly is going on. I cancelled all of my appointments for the week so that I can take care of everything; please don't worry. In the spirit of our recent agreement on openness, I figured it was only fair that I let you know."

Stef replayed the statements in her mind over and over. Robert Quinn had called her at around 4 am. Luckily Lena slept through the call, likely because she was so used to Stef receiving phone calls at all hours of the night, due to her work as a detective.

The call hadn't awakened Stef however, because she'd already been awake. Thinking of her sex crime cases and when she couldn't help it, her kids on their own in Mexico. She'd been doing her best not to worry about them, but now of course, it was all she could do.

But this was nothing new for her. For years, Stefanie Marie Adams Foster had worked as a police officer and now a detective. And for years she'd had the same ritual.

It started out small.

When she was married to Mike, it had been different. He was her husband and her friend and later he'd given her Brandon. So, there was a genuine love there, but it wasn't exactly the right kind. Even though the cases touched her then and she worried about Mike on his calls, it wasn't a consuming worry.

Stef would wake up in the night from nightmares, especially if there had been reports of "Officer Down!" at any point during the day. She would click on her bedside lamp and look over at Mike. He was younger then, his face not as worn down by the years and in sleep, his baby-face was even more noticeable. Stef would sigh deeply realizing that Mike was safe and sound. Her partner and her friend was okay.

Usually, Stef would zone out wondering what would come next if ever Mike was hurt. Would she marry again? Or more honestly, would she marry another man? The thoughts were always so odd to her.

What kind of thought is that to have? Stef would wonder. Then she'd touch Mike or stroke his face reminding herself that what she felt for him, what they had was love. Usually the tender moment was ruined by Mike's nervous sleeping habits. He'd quickly slap Stef's hand away or his eyes would shoot open as he grabbed her wrist forcefully. Then Mike would glance over at her saying "Stef, what are you doing? I told you never to do that kind of thing to a fellow officer."

Some nights Mike would jokingly add with a kiss to Stef's hand "If I didn't love you so much, you might have to worry about getting hurt."

Stef would say something like "You wish!" or "In your dreams! Which speaking of, why don't you get back to them?" and they would end up in some weird conversation about who would win at arm wrestling. By the end, Stef would nestle up to Mike and drift back to sleep after their humorous banter.

He always could make her laugh.

When Stef had Brandon, the ritual had become more targeted. Child cases. Children being hurt or bullied. Children being tormented or abused in any way. Those cases were always the worst for her. She would race home and pick up her small baby and later her toddler. Holding him tightly, Stef would kiss away her fear that something that had happened during any time that Brandon was out of her sight.

Now, the nightmares would get so bad, that Stef would sometimes get up in the middle of the night and go take Brandon out of his crib, falling asleep in the rocking chair besides holding him. Mike would wake her up in the morning, always marveling at how she was able to sleep so comfortably in that deathtrap of a chair. Stef would stress to such an extent that the only thing that got her heartrate back to a normal pace was Brandon. That head full of curls. That joyous smile. Those baby noises. In all reality, Brandon had been Stef's first true love, although she hadn't known it at the time.

Then came Lena.

Lena Elizabeth Adams had hit Stef like a lightning bolt. It was just a normal day, consulting the assistant vice principal to enroll Brandon in kindergarten. And then? Stef saw Lena and every single thing in the world changed for her.

All at once, Stef met a woman who was kind, beautiful, smart and so, so different from anyone else she'd ever encountered in her entire life. Lena was so gentle and yet so fierce when it came to speaking about and defending any of her many passions. So astute and serious about her work as an educator, and yet when Lena laughed, it was so intoxicating that all other sounds ceased for Stef's ears. The attraction between them was immediate, deafening and all-consuming.

And so this time, during her denial, things were far more complex, because Stef had thought that with Mike she'd worried, and with Brandon she truly and deeply had. But with Lena? Stef worried about her in a way that she'd never done for Mike. And the worry was different than it had been for Brandon. Because now, Stef wasn't fearful for the pain and uncertainty that losing Mike would bring. Didn't feel the intense fear and heartache that imagining something had happened to Brandon brought and the genuine concern for her child's safety. This worry was more of a longing. A need that lay within her soul and burrowed its way into the very veins of her heart.

Suddenly, Stef was waking up in the night as usual, but instead of worrying that Mike would be missing, she'd worry that she would never hear Lena's comforting voice again. Stef would glance over at her sleeping husband and feel horrible but at the same time, she couldn't get the idea that Lena wasn't alright out of her head.

Some nights, she'd even sneak out of her room and call Lena. Just to say "Good night." before returning to Mike; each time feeling less and less like she was lying beside the right person.

When Stef had finally come out as gay and admitted that she was unequivocally in love with Lena and they became partners, Stef learned what true worry was. Now, she had a child she loved more than she'd ever loved life itself and a partner whom she was more in love with than she'd ever known possible.

As much as her life was now filled with all of the truest forms of love, Stef's nights now were the most torturous they'd ever been…That is, until an incident about six months into her new relationship.

As usual, Stef awoke with a start and glanced over to see Lena lying beside her. Remembering how things had always been with Mike, she tried to resist not wanting to disturb Lena's beautiful sleep. And she is so beautiful, Stef thought admiringly.

Finally, unable to stop herself, Stef reached out and stroked Lena's face gently, so thankful that her true love was right here beside her. Safe. Whole. This time however, Stef was met with a loving stroke back as Lena reached out and smoothed over Stef's right hand lovingly.

"I'm sorry," Stef began feeling self-conscious, as she tried to pull her hand away "I was just-"

"I know what you were just." Lena had replied as she held Stef's hand in place and her eyes opened with a smile. "You're the cop. My partner is the cop…I "just" all the time." She said with that spirited laugh, "In fact, I was just pretending to be asleep so that you wouldn't know that I was laying here wide awake wondering what I would ever do without you and hoping like hell, I'd never have to find out."

At this response, Stef had fallen even more in love with her partner than she'd known possible and some small part of her realized that she was finally home.

Over the next few weeks, they'd had the hard, honest conversations. What would happen if anything did happen to Stef? Or Lena? How would the other members of their family carry on? And although they spoke of Wills, DNRs, burial plots, custody plans and estate issues, there was levity to the conversations somehow. Stef found that with each conversation, the most soothing revelation was that the question was not one now of if things would be okay if something happened to either of them. The answer was that things would be okay and the only questions now were those to iron out the details of "okay". And as all these things were happening, Stef was slowly realizing that Lena was the woman whom she wanted to expand her family and spend the rest of her life with.

Next came the twins. But this time, things were easier. Not because they weren't their biological children, but because Stef had had so much more time to adjust and prepare. And because she knew now that if anything ever happened to her they would all have Lena. Her family would be alright with this strong, brave and amazing woman beside her at the helm. Stef wasn't alone now when she awoke in the nights from worry. Sometimes, all she needed was to reach her hand behind her and there would be Lena's, lovingly gripping hers in a small gesture that brought, love, peace and comfort to Stef's heart. Every single time.

Finally there came Jude and Callie. And they had been very different. A temporary home was what the Adams Foster household was supposed to be. Their "last way station" Stef had said. But, slowly and almost surprisingly things had changed. Changed so much and so soon that Stef found herself up again, in the night, her ritual now renewed and very well-defined.

Stef didn't just wake up in the night and glance at Lena or check in on Brandon anymore. Instead, when she woke up now, she would go to every one of the children's rooms. Checked in on Jesus and Jude. Then Brandon. Finally ending on Mariana and Callie, who she honestly-and ashamedly-worried more about than she did the boys.

Stef's family felt truly whole now and gradually the check-ins diminished to the point that they were once a week, once every two weeks, or even once a month and held no discernable pattern. Every case that was too hard, involving children, families, teen suicide, trauma, or anything that reminded her of anything she'd read in those poor children's files would cause Stef to resume the ritual. She checked in on all of them every time she woke up from one of her nightmares. And seeing those sleeping bodies in every bed, where they belonged was the comfort for her. All of her children and her Lena were safe. Were home and secure.

Until the day that Callie had gone with Diamond…

Everything had changed for Stef that day, because Callie had put her life, her very existence in danger in a way that no other child of Stef and Lena's ever had.

That singular event had changed Stef's view on things. On herself, on her children and most of all on Callie. Callie Adams Foster, who Stef thought was going to have some great turnaround when she was adopted, was still the same reckless girl she'd always dissolved into it seemed. Maybe worse.

Hadn't she narrowly escaped with her life from that abusive foster father with Jude? Callie had survived a few days on the streets by herself when she'd run away. Callie and Brandon had even survived a potential school shooting without being harmed. Yet, in Stef's home, when she was supposed to be finally safe and secure, Callie had seemed to come to more danger than she had ever been in before. And it all culminated because of a girl whom Stef had introduced her to.

To say that Stef felt regret about this incident was putting the word to extreme shame. This had changed everything. Now, Stef was cautious about everything and everyone. When she met these girls in her line of work, she handled them differently. Each one was a puzzle that Stef needed to solve, a heart that she was in charge of mending. All the while, Stef paid less and less attention to her own family, marriage, heart and mind.

Lena had told her months ago in so many words that she was working way too hard. "I barely see you anymore." She chided gently as Stef poured over a case involving a father who was pimping out his own daughters. It had been over 10 years before one of the girls had had the courage to walk into the police station and reveal what she'd endured in her childhood home of horrors. "The kids don't see you anymore. Callie even came by the other day and spoke to Jesus, but he said she'd been looking for-"

"There are just…other things." Stef interrupted her wife, staring at her over her glasses "Important things, Lena. The kids are fine. Callie is fine. These faces," Stef huffed sternly as she motioned over the 4 hollow faces of the sisters whose fathers was now imprisoned, "These are the faces of girls who are not fine." Lena shook her head and quietly backed down. Stef wasn't even sure when, but later when she'd looked up what seemed minutes, but was actually hours later, Lena was in bed in a curled up position, soundly asleep.

In the back of her mind, Stef knew that she was avoiding things. She hadn't needed to worry about being a shoulder for Jude to cry on after his breakup with Noah because Lena had handled it. Mariana had almost fully come into her own as a young woman and taken charge with Jesus and making sure that he would finish his schoolwork in time. It was strange, but in some way, Jesus's TBI had seemed to bring the twins closer than ever. And as for Brandon? Well, the ink hadn't been dry on the reversal of Callie's adoption before he'd high tailed it to New York. Stef spoke to him here and there, but he was about the definition of a world-travelling adult child at this point. Stef knew he didn't need her anymore. And then there was Callie… Callie certainly didn't need Stef or even the other members of the Adams Foster clan, because she was living with Robert her rich, birth father now.

It still broke Stef's heart when she really thought about the adoption reversal. She wanted to pretend that it hadn't hurt so earth-shatteringly, but it did then and it still did now. Callie was her daughter. Her daughter whom she loved and cared for and yet, no one would or even could recognize that now. All because of those infamous reckless decisions.

Stef had made them blackmailing Robert, Rita had done so by suppressing Carmen's confession about Brandon and Callie dating. And Callie and Brandon had made the worst one of all. It always ended up that way with Callie and Brandon, Stef would think now. Those two seemed to cause the most turmoil. The very two who didn't even need her anymore…

But these girls? The girls whose cases Stef was working on all hours of the day and night? They needed Stef's help more than anyone else ever had. Some were missing, some present but extremely emotionally abused and some were no longer for this world. And yet still they needed Stef. Every single one of them.

And so, days came and went. Stef slept less and less, and poured herself into her work. And because of her obsessive workload she had the highest closing rate of any detective in her field. Her supervisor had told her that she had closed more cases in this year than many detectives closed in 5. Each girl whose life was put in danger, each man or woman who took advantage of or exploited children, each and every case Stef took personally. Probably too personally. It truly became her life.

Helping these girls had become Stef's simultaneous form of denial and penitence. Making up for what she couldn't do in her own personal life. The girl who she just couldn't seem to save. And it had been working. Stef had been able to keep Callie at as much distance as she seemed to need. Never holding her too tightly, when she'd hugged her. Not trying to overwhelm her with worry the way Lena did with her near weekly letters. Never showing up at the Quinns' house trying to drop in for a visit. Callie clearly wanted space from her and so Stef had resolved to give it to her. It was obvious that Callie was much better off without her, Stef reasoned. Safer and happier.

Until now.

Now, after listening to Robert's voice trembling as he spoke of heading off to save Brandon and Callie from some Mexican jail cell, Stef relived her prior worry for her daughter. And for Brandon too. Stef thought once more about the many, many times, Brandon and Callie had haphazardly placed themselves in harm's way, one thoughtless decision after the other: Callie running away from home. Brandon selling fake IDs. Brandon's fake confession for framing Callie at a school party and subsequent arrest. Callie and Brandon helping Daphne when she'd kidnapped her daughter. Brandon and Callie sleeping together. Brandon moving in with Cortney. Callie investigating a murder. Brandon taking the SATs and ruining his Juilliard admittance. And finally Callie going with Diamond to that horrible, horrible man.

As her thoughts raced, Stef slowly felt things materializing inside of her as the worry for her family went into overdrive. Suddenly a familiar ache began to fill her heart.

Stef hadn't even noticed that the phone was still in her hand, from the call with Robert, but she was suddenly aware that her hand was throbbing. When she glanced down she saw that her hand was wrapped tightly around her cellphone, hovering over her work desk. Stef slowly released the cell and setting it down over her work papers, she sighed deeply. The photos of the girl who'd been found raped and beaten in Mexico, after she'd been trafficked as a sex slave, was probably not the best case to be obsessing over with all of her children in Mexico. Stef shook her head and closed the case file.

Next, she walked over and stroked the gentle face of her love, truly taking in the beauty of her wife for the first time in what felt ages. Lena didn't stir but remained asleep in the bed, though her forehead seemed creased with worry even as she slept. How much, my love? How much have you been handling while I've been busy trying to block out our reality? Stef thought sadly.

Stef walked slowly out of the room and begin her ritual anew by looking in what had been Brandon's room but was now Jesus's. Then what had been Jesus's room but was now Jude's. Next, was Mariana's and finally Stef ended her walk by sitting on Callie's bed and swiping over the bedspread with her fingers.

Stef hadn't been this present for at least a year now. She was barely there sometimes because she was barely holding it together. Focusing on those cases, taking down criminal after criminal allowed her an escape that she hadn't been ready to acknowledge that she needed. But now, she thought quietly of her children, all five of them, off in the big, scary world. Fully aware, outgoing, intelligent and capable and yet still finding ways to get themselves into unimaginable trouble, with the two oldest, as usual causing the most ruckus. Her kids…her kids.

Stef finally placed her hands over her mouth and allowed the full weight of the feeling that she had been running from to encompass her.

Guilt.

Stef curled up onto the bed and for the first time in nearly a year, she allowed herself to cry. And not for the girls whose cases she worked on day in and day out. Or for the wife whose bedside she'd all but abandoned for all this time. Stef cried for her children. For Brandon, Jesus, Mariana and Jude. And for Callie. She cried because she knew that no matter how many cases she closed or how many ways she tried, she would never be able to protect them from themselves. And for that, Stef realized that there was no one to blame but the common denominator of having her as their mother.

And that realization was more heartbreaking than any case she'd ever handled.