ヽ ( ꒪д꒪ )ﾉ

In retrospect, meeting Hisoka was a lot like dying.

Okay, fine. Maybe that sounded a little overdramatic, but my point stood regardless. I expected our meeting to be an ugly and violent one. Hisoka and peaceful did not belong in the same sentence and I knew that this could only end in my death.

Despite that, a small part of me knew it was inevitable. I mean, come on, what kind of reincarnation – did my experience still even qualify as such despite my being alive? – story would this be if I didn't come across the resident psychopath, amirite?

Gods help me.

I wasn't ready to meet Hisoka and quite frankly, I never would be but I had at least hoped that our meeting would be at a time where I was more familiar and equipped to deal with fictional characters. That's how these kinds of stories worked right? Plot relevant characters often appeared during events that led up to the development of the story's conflict, and were introduced much later to spark the waning interest of the readers.

But the fact that I came across Kuroro first should've perhaps tipped me off that my self-insert* story would not go in a direction that I was familiar with.

"And how has my favorite monkey been doing, hm~?" A voice all but purred from next to me and I could feel Hisoka's eyes rake across my very naked form submerged in the tub.

At that moment, my brain finally decided –about damn time—to function properly and I suddenly felt all the fear, anxiety, and a whole lot of embarrassment come crashing down on me. Needless to say, it was very overwhelming and I was not proud of my next move.

I would later lament on my significant lack of self-preservation skills, but that was neither here nor there.

"A—" I blubbered.

"Hm~?"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" I let out a shrilly shriek that surprised even myself. To hide what little dignity I had left I sunk deeper into the tub, curling into myself.

Parading around in a towel was one thing – despite what little covering it provided, it still covered – and the characters I've met weren't really that phased by my lack of decent clothing.

But it was a whole other ballpark to be absolutely naked in front of someone.

And a psychopath no less!

A psychopathic clown!

I felt so caged and vulnerable that I momentarily considered drowning myself in the tub, if only to avoid a miserable death at Hisoka's hands.

"Hi-Hisoka?!" In my distress, all my semblance of courtesy and grace fled out the window and I didn't bother using keigo* anymore. "W-What are you doing here?" I gazed at the bath products by my side and I silently wondered if my shampoo could serve as an effective weapon. The label said 'no tears' but I was more than willing to test it out on Hisoka.

"How rude," He pouted mockingly, gliding nearer to my tub like some sort of predator—and wasn't that just a horribly apt description? In a mere few seconds, he was by my side and I hugged my knees tighter to my chest.

Thank god for soap bubbles that protected what little I had left of my chastity and decency.

I tried to subtly scoot away from Hisoka but he was much faster than me and with a soft 'tsk' , he grabbed me by the shoulders and slid me towards the edge of the tub once more, resuming my earlier proximity to him.

I wanted to cry.

"Oh, Hazuki~" Lazily, Hisoka began tracing his sharp fingernail against my cheeks before tilting my chin upwards. His nail tickled me and I suppressed a visible shudder. This almost felt like one of those heart pounding scenarios in my self-indulgent dating games, except you know, it involved murderous clowns and my tachycardia was due to fear, not excitement.

"And here I thought we were getting closer. What happened to that foolhardy monkey who proposed a truce with me~?" A look of fake—this was Hisoka after all –hurt flashed across his face. "I still haven't forgotten about last time you know.~"

My eyes snapped back to the danger next to me. "Ha?" Last time? Truce? What was he talking about? This was my first time meeting him.

…Right?

Unless—

"Don't you think I deserve a little reward? I had to deal with those troublesome spiders on my trail for an entire week." He continued, ignoring my sudden pensive look. "Although…seeing him get mad like that was such a delicious treat~"

I remained quiet, intent on listening to Hisoka against my better judgment. He acted and talked as if we knew each other and even implied that we were close—which was debatable at best, really. I highly doubted that I would befriend this man willingly. He probably threatened me.

"Oh dear Hazuki," He breathed as he twirled my wet locks in between his fingers, his eyes glazing over as he reminisced. "You should've seen the look on his face when he fought so hard just to get to you. I've never seen that kind of expression from him before. It was completely exhilarating." Hisoka moaned out next to my ear.

Jesus. I didn't think it was possible to feel this violated verbally.

But I kept my mouth shut – one of the few good decisions I made in the past hour—and allowed the clown to play with my hair (as if I had a choice) as he vaguely recounted an event that involved what I surmised was a skirmish between him and the Phantom Troupe.

I gave vague nods and well-timed 'Ooooh's and 'Ahhh's to his story as I mulled on my situation.

My bathroom was a portal to another dimension, the world of HunterxHunter in particular. That much was irrefutable no matter how much I wanted to deny it. I could visit the fictional world at certain points in time, so it wouldn't be a stretch to assume that they could do the same.

Case in point, Hisoka.

All this time I assumed that I was visiting the other side sequentially pre-canon. But…what if that wasn't the case?

Time flowed linearly for me, but did that particular rule apply to them as well?

Lost in my own thoughts, I didn't notice that Hisoka had stopped speaking a few minutes ago and had taken to staring at me.

"Your hair is long." Gone was the teasing lilt to his voice.

I froze like a deer caught in headlights. "Yes," I said slowly and my fear crept back up again. Hisoka was dangerous by default, which goes without saying, but the fact that he had dropped all pretenses of playfulness was never a good sign.

"Hm~,"Hisoka's face smoothed into a blank and calculating mask before inching closer as if to inspect me. I stiffened at the increase in distance and I noted that the tips of our noses were nearly touching that I could almost see myself reflected in his eyes.

I swallowed thickly, as I gripped my knees to my chest even closer and hoped that Hisoka wouldn't mutilate my body too much when he killed me. My mother would faint at the sight of my mutilated corpse.

But Hisoka soon withdrew from me, and his lips curled into a smug knowing smirk. "As I thought." He tapped a well-manicured—what was his secret?—nail against his chin as he hummed to himself. "Hm. That makes matters of receiving my reward rather dull. I would've wanted to receive it from my Hazuki but ah—I'll take what I can."

"Reward?" I spluttered, my eyes the size of saucers.

"You told me once that you disliked spoilers~." Hisoka said, avoiding my question. "I'm normally a patient man," I snorted at this, but covered it up at the last minute as Hisoka arched a brow at me. "However, hm, I'm a bit annoyed right now at being denied the pleasure of enjoying my reward in full~."

"So how about I deliver you your fortune~" He leered, as he clasped his hands together in a mock parody of a cheer. "You always were good at giving fortunes after all~" He chuckled to himself.

"What?"

"Oh you know, you always had such a knack for being at the right place at the right time. It's as if you have some knowledge of the future."

I stilled.

I did not like where this was going.

"…That's ridiculous. I can't see the future." I laughed nervously.

Hisoka hummed at my response. "Is that so? Nevertheless, I feel like giving you your fortune. Don't girls your age like that kind of thing? Especially love fortunes~"

"But-" I was hushed before I could finish.

"The spider hungers for something it cannot attain,

And so it shall devour the heart of the outsider.

It will devour everything in sight until it obtains,

The truth from the liar.

And so as the eighth moon comes to an end,

The emptiness shall ascend."

Hisoka paused for a second, his gaze darting to me as if to gauge my reaction. I didn't know what he saw but he looked pleased, before continuing."Seasons pass. August must come to an end."

"Is that my love fortune?" I frowned, licking my lips. The poem was alarming, to say the least. But it was the mention of the eighth moon that had my skin erupting in goosebumps. It was ominous and warranted future introspection. "That sounds terribly unromantic."

"Hm~, I wonder?" Hisoka rested his chin against an open palm while leaning against my tub as his other hand lazily swirled at the bath water. "All I did was deliver a fortune~"

At that moment, I looked at Hisoka. Truly looked at him with a steady and curios gaze. The way the corner of his lips were tugged into a knowing smile unsettled me. It was as if he was waiting. Waiting for me to do or say something that would irrevocably screw me up for life.

I gulped. I was probably going to regret asking this but…"From who?"

At that question, Hisoka's golden eyes met mine and his lips split into an even wider smile.

"From you."

Hisoka's first impression of Hazuki was that—oh who was he kidding—he didn't even remember their first meeting. He had no opinion of her; she was simply one of the many faces he didn't bother with.

She was simply an ant under his shoes.

Or so he thought until a certain incident piqued his interest in her.

Hazuki wasn't that particularly remarkable in any area. She was smart, but not enough to be considered a genius. Her physical features were quite pleasing, but not enough to tempt him. There was nothing of note when it came to her physical strength as well.

All in all, Hazuki was a painfully average woman who would perhaps live a disgustingly long and fulfilling life and who he wouldn't even be paying any attention to in the first place had it not been for her a certain trait of hers.

This trait made Hazuki a great toy (he was sure that many individuals shared the same sentiment) and now that he had her all by her lonesome, it was time to play.

But unfortunately for Hisoka, he came across a much younger and inexperienced Hazuki, who made for a dull toy. This Hazuki and his Hazuki were essentially the same person, but this one was by far less interesting than the one he'd gotten accustomed to. She still lacked that backbone and particular brand of humor that he would come to associate with her.

But that didn't mean he wouldn't mess with her.

Messing around with Hazuki's nerves never failed to make his day. She was just like Gon in that aspect.

"Oh you know," He hummed, ignoring the barrage of questions she hurled his way after he delivered her fortune. "Isn't it about time you gave me what you just received~?"

"What I received?" She blinked, her jaw dropping in surprise before a look of realization dawned on her features and her mouth morphed into a perfect O. A blush erupted on her cheeks and ears. "—Oh."

Hisoka almost cooed at how precious she was acting.

"Oh my~," Hisoka's typically slanted eyes widened in delight. Ah. This was just getting better and better by the second. Had he known what fun it would be to tease a younger Hazuki, he would've found a way to travel to this side much faster. "Don't tell me, you don't even know how this arrangement works?"

A look of pure defiance filled the shorter girl's eyes but as their eyes met, it quickly dissipated into another look of skittishness.

Hm.

What a lackluster reaction.

"O-Of course!" Her voice pitched a few octaves higher. "I know how this works!"

Lies.

But it wasn't Hisoka's place to call out the girl on her bluff.

"Oh~" A Cheshire grin was smacked on Hisoka's face and he just knew that it infuriated Hazuki. He leaned a little closer to her as well, and he was rewarded with the sweet scent of her banana-scented shampoo. The scent was overpowering and a tad too sweet for his tastes at this proximity but Hisoka didn't really mind. "Do enlighten me then, Ha-zu-ki~" He licked the shell of her ear.

"We-We trade!" She jumped in shock, sliding back to the other end of the tub, her knees still daintily tucked against her chest. Hisoka was a bit impressed at her ability to protect her body from his wandering gaze. "I give you what I received, and you give me something in return!"

Ah. So she did know.

"Ding ding ding~" Hisoka's mouth curled in amusement. "Would you like a gold star for your efforts Hazuki?"

"No, thank you." Another flash of defiance sparked in her eyes but she immediately wilted under his scrutiny.

"Your call~" He shrugged. "I'm just here waiting for my reward."

"…Can't this wait until after I'm decent?"

"Ah, but Hazuki darling," Hisoka's eyes twinkled in deviousness. "Where's the fun in that?"

ヽ(ﾟДﾟ)ﾉ

Having a hundred—an exaggeration of course—realizations in a short span of time was not good for my poor nerves. I wanted to scream and panic and run around like a headless chicken and maybe drink beer and cry myself to oblivion. But I was a grown woman, damn it, and that meant I had to deal with my problems like a proper adult.

Prioritization was key.

Okay, first order of business, getting rid of Hisoka from my bathroom.

Based on his words—or lies—and my earlier experiences , I deduced that the only way for him to leave was if I gave him a token of sorts, like in the legend of the Straw Millionaire. I gave Kuroro a scrap of cloth, who in turn gave me a purple gem that I gave to Feitan, only to receive a knife in return which I later passed on to Nobunaga, but wait…Nobunaga didn't give me anything in return, did he?

My theory was almost perfect, had it not been for that last part.

Sans my last visit to Nobunaga and Uvogin, I wasn't able to go back to my world until I had given up something and gained something back right?

Wait…

Give something up and gain something…?

I paled.

Jesus Christ.

I received a kiss from Uvogin didn't I? And it was only then that I was able to go back home.

…Fuck.

As exciting as it sounded, the prospect of kissing Hisoka –even if it was just on the cheek – horrified me. Yeah sure, when I was younger I might've found him a little attractive – who didn't?—at some point and even enjoyed looking at an illustration or two of him.

But now that I was older, (hopefully) a little wiser, and more grounded in reality, I knew that kissing murderous clowns – attractive or not – was a lot more trouble than it was worth.

God damn it Togashi, I cursed to myself. Why did you have to go and draw Hisoka so handsomely! I swear to God, with that voice and appearance, he could very well fit right in an otome game! He definitely wouldn't be the main love interest, but perhaps a secret unlockable character?

You know, those kinds of characters that looked sleazy, acted sleazy, reeked of sleaziness, making you think that they've got something deep in them but after peeling off their layers you find out that they're just misunderstood delinquents who save puppies in their free time?

Yeah. Hisoka was nothing like that.

"I'm waiting~"

I bit my lips. Did I even have a choice in the matter?

…No. I probably didn't.

"C-Close your eyes," I was grasping at straws here at the moment, but if I were to kiss Hisoka, then I would do it on my own terms, with the least amount of humiliation.

If that were even remotely possible.

Hisoka let out a sigh as if he were the one suffering – I was the only one in distress here, mind you—but acquiesced with my request regardless.

Huh.

That...went well. I thought he would've resisted more to my demand.

How…odd.

But now was not the moment to ruminate on his strange antics. So I shook my head, filing away that piece of information for a later date.

With my eyes still locked on Hisoka's smirking form, I quickly wrapped a towel around my body and left the tub. I knew he heard me emerge from the water but he did nothing and just stayed there kneeling next to the tub.

I debated on whether or not I should just make a run for it but I knew for a fact that I was stuck here until further notice. Unless of course, a trade took place. Hm. Decisions, decisions.The part of my psyche that was still stuck in the denial phase wanted to make a hasty retreat but the more logical part quickly pushed it away in favor of a much pragmatic response.

I deflated. Kissing Hisoka (I wanted to gag at the mere thought.) as soon as possible was unfortunately my quickest ticket out.

Praying to the various gods and deities I knew of, I gathered what was left of my courage and knelt next to him. I swallowed thickly before clumsily and shakily pressing my pursed lips against his cheeks. It was a very brief and awkward affair to the point that I would be hard-pressed to call it a kiss. Smack was perhaps a more appropriate term.

I only hoped that the Powers That Be were generous enough to consider this a pass.

"There," I struggled to keep my voice calm and I was certain that my face was reminiscent of a tomato. "Now it's time for you to hold your end of the bargain."

A few seconds passed in silence that for a moment I wondered if I broke Hisoka. His eyes were still closed and his lips were still smirking but his posture was a little taut and his fists were clenched tightly on his sides.

"Um," I hesitantly asked from my spot. "Hi-Hisoka-san?"

"Kukukuku~"Hisoka's eyes flew open and a deranged sort of laughter escaped his lips. I squeaked, taking a step back. This was not good. "I didn't think you'd be so bold Hazuki~" He stood up, taking a few steps in my direction.

I took a few steps back.

"If you wanted to have some fun so badly~" He took another step forward and I paled.

I attempted to scoot backwards some more but I felt my back hit the wall. Shit. My gaze slid to the door that was no more than two feet away from me and I wondered if I could outrun Hisoka. Logically speaking, I could not. But before I could even make an attempt, I was trapped in place by a pair of arms.

I looked up and saw Hisoka looming over me.

Oh.

I dumbly wondered if this was one of those legendary kabe-don or wall slams you see in manga. It was a staple trope in almost every shoujo manga I read and I have to admit that a very teeny tiny part of me wanted to experience that kind of shoujo manga encounter at least once in my life. I suppose I should thank Hisoka for helping me tick that off my bucket list—as if! I was certainly curious about kabe-don, but I didn't want it to be like this! Especially not with him! Why couldn't I have a normal and healthy heart pounding encounter?! And why did my encounters always involve men with criminal records?!

A soft chuckle from somewhere above me ripped me away from thoughts and I immediately remembered the situation I was in. "Oh Hazuki~" Hisoka followed up, pressing his body against mine that I felt the fabric of his ridiculous clothes brush against my bare legs.

I made a warbling sound that was reminiscent of a dying ocelot.

This was it. This was my end. Hisoka was going to murder me.

Goodbye mother and father in the real world. If I came back as a ghost, I swear to help you with the family business this time around.

But instead of pain, I felt puffs of breath next to my ear before a voice moaned out, "All you had to do was ask~"

I sensed something being pushed against my hands – gods I hope it wasn't Hisoka's di—okay, bad thoughts—and my eyes snapped open in surprise. "Wha—"

But Hisoka was no longer there in my bathroom.

"Oh, you're back."

"Yes, well, I just had a bit of an errand to run~" There was a slight bounce to Hisoka's step that was not lost to his companion. "A delectable errand~"

"Yes, I can see that." His companion looked at him flatly, his gaze trailing downwards at the tent poking through Hisoka's pants before impassively darting to meet the clown's eyes. "You met with her?"

"Goodness~, am I that easy to read?"

"You only get like 'that' for a few reasons." His companion gestured vaguely to Hisoka's pants. "You were gone for a few minutes and I couldn't sense you anywhere," His companion shrugged. "It seemed like a likely option."

"She looked so much younger you know~" He licked his lips, his face twisting into a monstrous expression. "So utterly pure and ripe for the taking, I wanted to kill her then and there and watch as the life bled out of her eyes."

"You can't do that." His companion said. "You know she can't die."

"I know. I know that very well," He drawled. "But that doesn't mean I can't have my fun now, does it~?"

*Self-insert story : I was honestly debating on what term to use. Technically speaking, Hazuki references the isekai light novel / reincarnation light novel genre. Isekai light novels usually have the protagonists reincarnating or being transported to a new fantasy world. However, considering that I'm making a parody out of all kinds of Isekai I've read (Chinese novels, Japanese light novels, and even SI and OC fanfiction), I decided to use a more familiar term for all of us.

*Keigo : The use of honorifics such as san, chan, kun, and etc.

*Kabe-don : Wall slam. When Person A gets pinned to a wall by Person B. A staple in shoujo manga. Not advisable to do in real life.

I'm so sorry for the late update! This chapter took at least 3 rewrites because I honestly had no idea what to do with Hisoka. Writing him is so hard which is why we don't really see much of his POV in this chapter. I struggled with trying to making him in character while writing out an interpretation of how I think Hisoka is like. I hope I managed to deliver this chapter.

And I realize that writing 1 chapter = 1 character takes a long while and this story isn't progressing as fast as I want it to. So after this chapter, I might make 2-3 characters per chapter and I might not detail each interaction as thoroughly anymore. Haha. I can't believe I wrote 3k+ words of pure Hisoka content.

Also there will be a bit of plot, but don't worry, this is still a parody story through and through!

Please Review! It makes my day!