The Sunrise Dilemma
Cold reality, colder self
As I hastily opened the door of my locker I couldn't even be surprised anymore, things were going just as expected. Just another day to fill in within this joyless experience. Without paying much attention to the pathetic harassment notes planted by my classmates I recovered my second pair of shoes and proceeded to head out of school. I just would never be able to understand this pointless game of theirs, harassing me without trying to surpass me. It's not as if I believed myself to be superior but I couldn't be held accountable for their insecurities. It was already late enough for the most part of the school to be empty and so I found no resistance on my way out.
After arriving home I headed straight to my room without a word to anyone, not even to Mother. I was far too tired to try and deal with any more pressure right now, the incoming ordeal was already bad enough. Being forced to interact with him again as if nothing has ever happened was a cruel thing, even if I understood its purpose. I found myself lazily lying on my bed when a knock was heard from the door.
"Come in"
I replied half absently, already prepared for what would follow.
"Yukino, I believe I had made myself clear. You were supposed to be here two hours ago. What was the reason for your delay?"
The same old conversation, going and coming around an endless cycle of misunderstandings. She was my Mother and I recognized her as such but sometimes she seemed to take on the role of my boss. Ordering me around and expecting me to obey her every demand without any consideration for my feelings or situation.
"I need a new pair of shoes, the spare ones were used today..."
I replied without lifting my gaze to face her, the blankness of the ceiling over me seemed much more comforting than her right now.
"That's not what I'm discussing here and get up Yukino. I didn't raise you to be the kind of girl who doesn't face people when talking to them."
Conversation? This wasn't a conversation. I faced her nonetheless, my sight barely being able to make up her features while I tried to hide my face. How many times would we repeat the same argument? I could already picture how the next one would go.
"Now, please ready yourself. We will be heading to the Hayama state shortly."
Without waiting for me to reply, Mother took her leave. A feeling similar to relief made its way through me then. Without wasting any more time I steeled myself and proceeded to get ready.
The road to the fore mentioned place was rather silent as Nee-san fidgeted with her phone while Mother gave the new driver directions. The sky was bright today, a beautiful shade of green covered the side of the road almost as if mirroring the azure sky above. Ironic, wasn't it? It was almost as if my mood opposed the exterior reality with which I was met. Refusing to bring my own mood even further down I took out my phone and decided to read some news, not that any of them particularly interested me. It did pick my interest, however, that during the coming weeks a special limited edition of Pan-san would be available in Destiny Land. I then hoped than in spite of her mood Mother would still get me the yearly passport she had promised before.
"We could go get it together if you want"
The sudden remark from my sister prompted me to put my phone away immediately. Only to find her even more desperately peeking over my shoulder.
"Don't you have any sense of decency at all? It is rude to peek into someone else's phone"
"May be but you are my dear sister, not someone else."
Her fallacious argument was spouted with a mischievous smile as she led me on to continue.
"So are we going together to get it?"
"I don't-"
My sister stopped facing me then, opting instead for talking to my Mother in a loud proud manner.
"Mother, are you aware that Yukino-chan scored the first place in her high school entrance exams?"
Without any semblance of surprise Mother denied having any knowledge of the fact by moving her head side to side, before acknowledging me.
"Why didn't you inform me of this Yukino? You know I haven't been able to keep up with all of your school matters as of late."
"I forgot about it Mother, I apologize"
Replying just as an automaton would, the words reached my mouth before I had any chance of understanding their meaning. The feeling of deja vú followed shortly after. Mother's stare was piercing and sooner rather than later I had to break visual contact by facing the window and lowering my sight. The road seemed like a much more straightforward concept than this conversation, did I seriously just think that? Returning my attention to the conversation in order to avoid been labeled as rude I met with Mother's still static gaze. What did she even think of me? I wondered in silence while thinking of a way to dispel the tension. Could silence only ever be this tense and uncomfortable?
"So anyways" Nee-san came to the rescue by attracting all attention to herself. "I thought it would be a great idea for us to take Yukino-chan to Destiny Land as a reward. Wouldn't that be fun?"
Almost as if annoyed by my sister's behaviour, the unofficial leader of the family agreed without a second thought.
"It would certainly make a decent reward. I trust you will see to it, Haruno."
"Of course, of course. Yukino-chan is so hardworking after all!"
Feeling not only annoyed but also subtly put down by this conversation I opted for pretending I was asleep the rest of the way.
My eyes sprund open by the not so gentle touch of my sister, who now nagged me by poking my cheek. Stepping out of the car pushing her hand away from my face I couldn't help but to be amazed by the glorious aura surrounding the residence. A big garden, full with life and exotic plants from all around the world greeted us. A singular narrow, stone, road being the only way to the residence in front of us. I knew the Hayama were in circumstances similar to ours but they were clearly not as subtle about it. The house was not a traditional Japanese state but portrayed a rather European style, it was the kind of house one could find in a fantasy medieval setting. One would think that given our families' relationship I would have already been to this place plenty of times but the truth was that I had not, this was a first for me. Taking notice of my bewilderment my sister stood beside me, enjoying the radiant sun and breathing in the natural scent of the flowers. Even if I had grown to dislike everything about him during the past days, one couldn't deny that his aura was just as radiant as this garden was. Quite fitting, I thought. Perhaps were some of this flowers plastic replicas as well?
"I know this wonderful garden is under the utmost care but we must hurry now."
My Mother said as she passed alongside us. Something about that statement reminded me of what I was really facing. I hadn't come here to be amazed by his garden and would do well in not forgetting that. Without any further exchange we followed Mother up to the dark wooden door. After a knock or two the door opened without delay, this wasn't a mere exchange of pleasantries and I could tell as much.
"Good evening. Please, the Hayama are expecting you."
Much to my surprise it wasn't him who greeted us but a maid instead, not that I wanted to see him first thing in here. Following the dignified woman she led us through the spacious mansion until having reached the dining table. There sat Mr. and Mrs. Hayama, whom we the Yukinoshita greeted in unison while bowing. It immediately came to my attention that he was missing, was he unable to face me now? I briefly gritted my teeth at the thought of this.
"Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Hayama"
I bowed respectfully, to which they appeared to gently smile.
"Good evening, Yukino-chan. I'm sorry Hayato isn't here today to keep you company"
Her mother said while looking bothered by the fact, to which I didn't really know how to react. Could his mother be aware of everything that transpired this past week? I don't really know why but highly doubt it, he wasn't the kind to share his thoughts like that. Needless to say, I had to say something in response.
"Do not worry, you will surely provide sufficient company already."
I bowed slightly to further empathize the nature of my statement but it was in that moment that I realized something. Did I wanted him to be here? Just so I could act cold to him? My sister would laugh at me the moment she became aware of this. Taking a quick glance at her I found her already carefully trying to make something out of my expression, was I being that transparent? I needed to calm myself and play it cool now.
"If I may ask, why isn't he here?"
I pressed on with another question as we moved in to take our seats. The three Yukinoshita in one side, facing the two Hayama on the other. Her mother broke visual contact after my question while looking slightly annoyed, this seemed to not be because of my question but the answer however. His father kept a straight smile while taking his wife's hand delicately.
"It's just a phase, dear. He will come around in time, I know it."
Much to both my Mother's and sister's puzzled expressions, it was Mr. Hayama who answered in her place.
"He's out with a friend of his, I think her name was Miura."
"Did he now? That does sound unlike him"
My Mother commented with a slightly repressed grin, I was pretty sure only me and my sister could tell this however. Having grown accustomed to her mannerisms we could tell when she was feeling uneasy but, why was this?
"I am solely to blame for this, he persuaded me in the end."
His mother admitted while reaching up to her temple.
"But I assure you his presence for the next time we meet."
"That's wonderful!"
Nee-san spoke enthusiastically as she took hold of the conversation. She had always been unlike me in that regard, able to turn any social interaction into her own. I wonder, could I ever attain some of her skills? I admired her a fair share after all, even in spite of her manipulative and cold demeanor.
"I was actually hoping he would come with us to Destiny Land next Saturday!"
She said with a straight smile. What was she even doing? I thought that she was genuinely trying to cheer me up back there but…
"Wouldn't you like that Yukino-chan?"
Before I could come up with any type of response she put me in the spot. She was way too good at this and I knew it, by forcing the decision on me refusing her would make me solely to blame. She had effectively cut away any possibility of me refusing unless I desired to engage Mother in an argument. Needless to say despair was the only emotion engulfing me now. Even when I kept a straight collected appearance, I felt nothing but betrayal on the inside. She knew better than anyone that I wasn't ready to face him again just yet. Would this ever come to an end? Could I ever help myself? Upon taking notice of my delayed reply Mother turned herself to face me, a static smile making its way across her lips.
"Of course she does."
She assured the Hayama afterwards.
"I will make sure to let him know"
His father said as a manner of courtesy, it was clear that since the moment my sister suggested the idea there had been no escape from it.
The rest of the night proceeded without further surprises, that is to say nothing beyond a few comments about family business or possible plans for the future of the two families. I know this somewhat concerned me and yet I didn't pay much attention to it, opting instead by pretending to listen while actually being lost in my thoughts. It had been happening as of late that I often fell back to what I had felt the other day on the roof. Did I really wanted to save people or just for someone to save me? It was probably the first I told myself. I don't need anyone to save me, nor my sister nor anyone. Speaking of whom, she seemed rather intrigued by this Miura girl.
"So...is Yukino-chan attending the same high school as those two?"
"That is the plan, yes."
Mr. Hayama responded politely while taking a quick glance at me. Was he expecting some kind of reaction? I had nothing to say about it to be honest, not anything he would want to hear anyways.
"Well, taking into consideration that middle school ends in a mere month, why not have our children take a tour of the school together? Getting them acquainted with the area would be beneficial as well."
It was as if I had heard those words but couldn't act on them because their meaning eluded me, as if I was standing still while drowning. While being forced into something that brought me nothing but pain. I had considered him a friend once but that wasn't the case anymore. We really can't elude endings, can we? Realizing the sudden change in my expression Mr. Hayama interrupted the conversation.
"Are you alright, Yukino-san?"
The sudden mention of my name brought me back to reality. Given everyone's expression at the table it must have been evident I was grieving at the moment. Even Mother seemed somewhat bothered by this fact and yet, I stood still in silence. Why couldn't I speak up? Was I afraid of him facing any repercussions? Or did I want to settle the matter myself? I couldn't really tell and it was tearing me apart. My emotional mettle had never particularly strong but I was really having a hard time keeping my emotions to myself at the moment. Don't explode, don't react, don't make a scene was all I could tell myself. Mother wouldn't approve of it and I wanted nothing but her approval right now. Sister would only call me a crybaby as well and so I had to suck it up and reply. The Yukinoshita name rested equally over all of us and it was about time I started to honor it. Trying my hardest, I managed to elude the situation with a half assed response.
"Please excuse me, I need some air."
Without waiting for a response or any sign of approval I left the dining room at once, nothing but the slightly irregular breathing of Mother making itself heard behind me.
The backyard garden was even more impressive than the front one, the moonlight falling upon me giving it an almost dreamlike aspect. It all glistened around me and for a moment I could feel loved by everything around me, from the plants and flowers to the cold air that passed by me. Taking a seat over a small stone fence on the far end of said garden I pondered in silence while trying to calm myself. I wouldn't get closure until I tried to talk to him as even should his motivations be despicable, the knowledge of these should be enough to bring me closure. I hated to admit it but my sister's words did have a strong impact in me, our previous conversation now popping up in my head being proof of this. Were we really that similar, him and I? Both forever unable to act? No, I told myself. Until knowing his motivations I wouldn't know that, reason for which him not being here nagged me more than it should.
"Mind if I keep you company?"
I was expecting my sister to eventually come get me as she had done before and so my surprise was evident when being met with the maid from before. Trying to repress my clear sentiment of surprise I replied without haste.
"Please, sit."
Gently taking a seat beside me she kept her gaze glued to the far end of the garden, admiring the fantastical effect the moonlight had over it. Her eyes giving up a calm yet resolute demeanor, it was the same look a wise warrior would have, and so I couldn't help but stare. Taking notice of this she faced me with a cheerful smile shortly after.
"Was it too much for you?"
Her question was simple and perfectly respectable, there seemed to be a bit more to it than I could tell however.
"Are you referring to my family's visit?"
"Of course, what else could I be talking about?"
Having fully acknowledged her question I simply looked upon the other side of the garden, just as she was once before. She soon did the same and we both remained in silence for a little while. Why would I vent up to a complete stranger? I had no reason to, I told myself.
"Some people assume that people like you lead the most fulfilling lives but in my experience this isn't true. People expect things from every single one of the members of a family, forcing their judging eyes on you and disguising it as interest."
"Wha-"
Again, my mouth was faster than my mind.
"I have served this type of families for a long time now, nothing but my personal experience."
"Yukino-chan! There you are!"
Just when I actually believed in a break from her she made her grand entrance. Her voice was cheerful and seemed to lighten the mood of the situation, at least on the surface. As she was either clearly pretending or just didn't care and this cut deep.
"Mother is calling us back, time to go."
Before I even had the chance to bid the woman beside me farewell or come up with any reply, Nee-san took hold of me by the wrist and dragged me away. It would always be like this, wouldn't it? For me to be dragged wherever needed in name of the family? As much as I hated the thought it was finally starting to sink in and in spite of this making things easier for me, it still wasn't clear whatever this meant.
Just look at you Yukino, still unable to make a decision, to make yourself heard. How could you ever hope to save people when you can't help yourself?
So...I decided to continue :) To all of you who were interested in the minimal prologue be sure to tell me your thoughts. I was thinking of making a kind of origin story before delving into the actual plot of the show.
At any rate, thank you for reading :)