The Sunrise Dilemma

Melting snow, freezing summer

Some would tell you that the uneventfulness of a day could be enjoyable but this wasn't the case for me, at least not when I was actually waiting for something to happen. Mother hadn't spoken to me since yesterday, must be feeling pressured about my little getaway. What a stupid joke, I thought. Still, maybe it was about time I started to grow up a little bit; high school would start soon and this would be my chance to start behaving more like a grown up. Making my way through the empty halls of school I soon reached the entrance to my classroom, multiple laughs and some unintelligible sounds could be heard joyously from my side. I pondered in silence as a result, would things be the same? After hesitating for a bit I readied myself and opened the door. I had always been able to endure their pathetic attempts at harassment, so why would today be any different?

Walking with a straight face and a dignified posture I made my way to my desk, the place from which the world intently stared at me. I had gotten used to the stares and whispers throughout my life but there was something about it that would never grow old. Having never been someone who favored social interaction over my own peace of mind I decided to calmly read the book I often reserved for school. It was nothing particularly interesting but it helped me cope with everything around me. Literature was really a beautiful thing, wasn't it? Holding value precisely because in spite of being real or not it could still talk to our deepest desires. What is it that I desired? Acceptance? Love? Relief? It was impossible to tell. A possibility would always hold more innate potential than any immediate reality, this was probably the reason as to I refused to act. Losing myself amidst the train of thought that now engulfed me I didn't take notice of his arrival. Always pridefully holding that perfect smile of his, he made his way beside me. Cursing the fact that I once sought to seat myself literally by his side, I could now only hopelessly watch as he made casual conversation with the group that had already positioned itself around him. Like a king offering aid to his subjects, that was the image now ingrained into my mind. Resisting the urge to sneak a glance at him I kept on reading, the words soon losing their meaning and reducing themselves to mere symbols.

A shadow soon interrupted my thoughts as it positioned itself right over my book, preventing the light from reaching my eyes. Lifting my gaze in slight annoyance I found him, looking at me like I was the most precious thing in the world. Why was he looking at me like that? Standing on the threshold between confusion and anger I could only stare back, those eyes of his trying to warm my heart as mine sought to freeze his. Just what was his intention? Playing with me? Playing it off as a savior?

"Yukinoshita-san, I would like to talk to you after school if that's alright."

Talk to me? Why would he- No, this was perfect. This was exactly the situation I had been waiting for. So why did it felt so misplaced then?

"But we are still hanging out after school, aren't we Hayato?"

A girl whose name I couldn't quite place made her way in between me and him, much to her friends' approval who now stole glances at me while whispering. What a bunch of cowards, she at least, had the courage to make herself the target of attention. She had the courage do what I- No, I wouldn't be cut away like this. This was I had been waiting for, wasn't it? Standing up shaky at first but quickly regaining my composure I stood my ground.

"Hey, didn't your mother ever teach you basic manners? I was already speaking to him so you shouldn't interrupt."

Making myself heard I made sure she understood my words were directed at her, to which she responded in annoyance.

"Eh? What does that matter? Can't I talk to him whenever I want?"

"She's just jealous she can't have him all to herself!"

Another girl spouted from the distance as the rest of the classroom went completely silent, great, now we're the center of attention. There was no going back now. If I didn't stand my ground now, when you I? What would it take for me to make myself heard?

"No, it's nothing of the sort. He was actually the one who started talking to me."

I declared without any trace of hesitation, the truth was absolute after all.

"What? Why would Hayato even speak to you after the scene you made last week?"

"I…"

My gaze immediately dropped as I tightened my fists in both regret and shame. She hit me right where I was currently feeling weak and insecure, not that it was any kind of secret. This was my current weakness, one that she knew well and could easily exploit. Why wouldn't she face me fair and square? Despicable, I thought. Taking notice of my clearly weakened stare, she faced me head on this time.

"Losing your head like that, why would Hayato even want such a friend?"

Biting my lips with my head lowered and my fists tightened I fought the urge to either cry or run away. Even if this was tearing me apart, I couldn't back down now. But what could I possibly reply? I had indeed made a scene and couldn't take that back.

"Hey, cut it out. I'm definitely willing to hear her out, alright?"

Considerably late he still intervened, with that smile and always perfect mannerism of his. Why was he like this? Always trying to be on the complete right while ignoring the real issue?

"Alright…, it's not like she's worth our time anyways."

The girl replied with disdain while casually backing down, thus going back to her circle of friends. All of them already in motion to start gossiping about me. This left me standing alone, motionless and feeling somewhat betrayed. Why had he delayed so much in intervening? Didn't he care about me at all? After everything we had shared? He immediately stole a glance at me, this time showing true regret in his eyes. But what could regret ever mean if you didn't change your ways? Nothing. Taking a deep breath and finally winning the battle against my desire to cry I restored some of my peace of mind, the goal had been accomplished. Still, I had been unable to make myself heard once again and instead relied on someone who lacked the will to stand up for me. Sure the girl had backed away but this wasn't the conclusion that I wanted, it had felt so hollow. So devoid of any color and meaning, for what was a victory accomplished only through others? Trying to push those thoughts into the back of my head I took a seat, lying both of my arms on the table while resting my head over them. Refusing to hide my eyes I started at him blankly, how could he be so cynical? Even if he wasn't the friend I had made him out to be, how could he just stand by as the other girls harassed me? How could he? With a mixture of disappointment and hatred filling my heart I closed my eyes for a second.

"Yukinoshita-san..."

I heard his voice but refused to open my eyes, tears would pour out of my eyes if I did. Before anything else could happen however, the class started.

The rest of the day proceeded fairly normally once I got a hold on my emotions. School wasn't particularly difficult for me and I easily scored the best grades without much of an effort, the hardworking values of my family having already been heavily ingrained inside my head. I also honestly didn't mind being alone in spite of what some would think, solitude was a relaxing and peaceful state of being after all. People were often hollow and ignorant creatures anyways, always in a hurry without looking back at their actions nor taking responsibility. Always seeking to recreate their identity in order to delude themselves from their true nature. Any so called try in order to improve being nothing more than an excuse for some cheap gratification. I despised all of this and yet, couldn't help but to love people. Love them in a sense of admiring their never ending complexity no matter how much pain this brought my way. That was probably why I often felt so alone, standing in the threshold between love and hate. Despising but still caring without a fault. Could this broken world ever be corrected I wonder? Was it possible for anyone to really change out of their own motivation? I wasn't still quite sure but…

"Well just look who it is, "Mrs. Perfect…!"

Now stood before me the girl from before, proudly standing before two of her lackeys.

"You are not seriously considering talking to Yahato, are you? He just said that in the heat of the moment so you wouldn't drop to tears, you know?"

I took one heavy breath before reaffirming my posture and staring straight into that girl's eyes, I wouldn't forgive myself if I backed up now. Sister's words rang through my head right then and there and so, tapping into all the willpower inside me, I stood my ground without dropping my gaze. It was time for the crybaby to grow up, it was time for…

"Hey girls, let's all just get along together. The more the merrier, right?"

No, I gritted my teeth in exasperation, you can't take this away from me. You can't just take the world into your own hands and… Once I took notice of my tightened fist already trembling and struggling to stay in place it was already way too evident.

"Hey, there's like, no place for violence in here."

The girl who was previously provoking me took a step back, her face now showing nothing but disgust. He looked at me, confused, while trying to decide on what the correct course of action would now be.

"We are getting out of here, weirdo."

One of the two lackeys who cowardly stood behind her said just as the group started to leave. She was no coward, was she? In spite of being one of my harassers she actually took me head on instead of talking behind my back. It was not as if I liked any of this but, in a way, I admired her. She was courageous and had something I didn't, even when she was driven by nothing but childish insecurities. Was there any use for all of my beliefs if I lacked the will to act? This world wouldn't be changed by the power of pretty words alone, change would have to be enforced.

"Are you alright?"

Feeling somewhat distressed for him having cut my train of thought I replied without hesitation, my voice now carrying if only a bit confidence that wasn't there before.

"Of course, I don't anyone to save me."

What a fool I had been, how could I ever expect for someone who can't force anything to make a difference? He would always act on the right no matter the circumstances, would always pretend for everything to be alright. Nothing but a rose colored fairy tale, I thought. Controlled by his own foolish desire to keep the order he would never be able to achieve any kind of change by upsetting an existing order. As I arrived to these conclusions I couldn't help but to feel annoyed by my own ignorance and lack of insight and while feeling betrayed by my own flawed image of him, I pondered and released myself.

"I wouldn't expect anything different from you."

I said a bit more harshly than intended while making my way forward. We really can't avoid endings, can we?

The last period seemed to go by in a flash as I continued to think, trying to make sense of his possible motivations. Disheartening as it was however, I failed to pinpoint them. It was the weirdest thing that after knowing one another for so long we still didn't know much about one another. Knowing how a person usually acts is not enough to understand them, to do that one must understand not only their situation but their objective as well. In short, their motivations. What were his? I couldn't possibly know but needed to acquire said information somehow as I hoped these would bring me some peace of mind and sense of closure. Even if I had somewhat catched a glimpse of his true self this wasn't enough, there was much more to be unveiled. Holding on to this sense of purpose I felt somewhat relieved, at the very least I was moving in the right direction.

Once class finished I quickly made my way out of the classroom without a word while ignoring the barely audible whispers, such cowards didn't even deserve to be listened to. It had been enough for today and by this point I just wanted to go back home. What would await me there however? Truth was I often didn't feel like going home and sometimes had the urge to run away. What a despicable thought that was, my family provided everything for me after all. It logically made no sense and seemed just as misplaced as real. Making my way down the stairs and eventually out the front door I reminded myself to get a new pair of shoes as soon as possible as spares were always needed. There was still one month until the end of middle school after all, this was still somewhat relevant. What would my high school life would be like? I wondered. As I got closer and eventually became able to discern the black limousine in the distance, I took notice of two individuals. Nee-san and...him. Why was she here and why were both waiting for me?

"Yukino-chan! Come here already or we'll be late! Don't you want to go get Pan-san or something?"

It's not that I don't want to but could you at least tell me beforehand? Plus, I'm not in the mood for being around him right now.

"I'm coming, can't you wait a little while?"

"Always so proper, my dear sister. Come on, get in!"

She said with such an enthusiastic smile and alluring voice I couldn't really tell whether it was fake or not. Was she actually excited about this? As the driver opened the door and I climbed into the car, Sister subtly pushed him in. Forcing me to seat beside him.

"No need to be shy!"

She said playfully while effectively forcing him in before her.

Apparently my sister had already talked to Mother and made all the necessary arrangements for us to visit Destiny Land as reward of sorts. What a joke? A reward? If I hadn't gotten the top score in the entrance exams Mother wouldn't take it lightly, this wasn't a reward but more like a remainder of where I stood and what was expected of me. The Yukinoshita should always be impressive after all, in sport, academics, social skills and personal values. I brought down the curve in one of those though, this being probably why they had always paid special attention to me. Always ensuring I wouldn't dare step over the line, created by both oppression and freedom, rewards and punishments. The way to Destiny Land was incredibly awkward and silent, with only Sister alone making small conversation at times. She just couldn't shut up, could she? He refused to look at me and dedicated most of his time to go along with Nee-san's pointless chattering as well. As for me? I spent the road picturing Pan-san already in my hands because as awful as this little outing could turn out to be, the idea of holding Pan-san might just make all of it worth it. Once we arrived and went on to buy the tickets my mood improved if only by a bit, I was actually feeling happy about being here. Sister naturally went on to buy the tickets but not before giving me a little present.

"Here Yukino-chan..."

She said while handing down to me the yearly passport to Destiny Land I was promised before. I was somewhat happy about finally getting it but, couldn't Mother at least give it to me herself?

"...for all of your hard work! Now, as I don't have one of those, be back in a bit!"

Watching her go ahead in order to buy both hers and his I was left alone, standing right beside him amidst an almost unbearable silence. The awkwardness was pretty much palpable and it felt as if I was going to suffocate in it. Yet, this was my chance. If I could ask him his motivations now I would now for sure. Know for sure if… But how does anyone even make such a question? Isn't it rude to ask someone to justify their actions? It obviously is. Someone like Mother would never approve of such a question but I really needed to now, I needed to make that question no matter how rude it was. Making it in the most delicate way possible was however still a must and so as I pondered as to how exactly to make it he sneaked a glance at me. His usual charming aura feeling somewhat diminished even if it was still considerably strong, he was getting nagged by the silence. So even he had his limits, huh? Taking into consideration every possible variable I could think of and tapping into the still somewhat messy determination held inside me I proceeded to make my question.

"Hayama-kun, why did-"

Before I could finish and like by the act of some superior deity, a dark haired primary schooler stumbled between us and fell to the ground in a flash. Barely but surely placing her hands in time and thus avoiding nastily injuring her face.

"Hehe..."

She smiled wryly before immediately getting up and resuming her run. Being on her way again so fast we couldn't even ask her about her wellbeing. By we, referring to a concerned me and a distressed him.

"Careless kid..."

I muttered under my breath just before a boy around our age, one with the most dead-looking eyes I had ever seen before, made his way past us and after the girl from before. What had just happened? Before I even had the chance to comment anything Sister was back, what a coincidental timing. This surely couldn't be random, could it? Feeling annoyed for having missed such a perfect chance to free myself from this burden of mine, I silently followed after my overly energetic sister. All while thinking about the future and walking besides who had been once a good friend.

"We haven't been here in ages, have we? Be sure to enjoy yourselves!"

Sister said enthusiastically as she pressed on ahead. Taking notice of her intentions and realizing this might as well be my only chance anytime soon I patted him in the shoulder lightly, one couldn't avoid endings after all.

"Please, come with me. We are taking a little detour."

Komachi! I'm coming for you, little devil!