The Sunrise Dilemma

The dawn of her reality

What is sonder? Sonder is a term used to describe a particular realization we all come to at some point during our lifetimes. The realization that everyone other than us is living a life just as complex, vivid and real as our own. Full with their own thoughts, wishes, ambitions, pain, joy, sorrow and hope. We see people pass us everyday, be it on the street, our school or our workplace but not once do we stop to think about the intricacies of their existence. We more often than not see others not as people equal to ourselves but rather as one dimensional entities that fill the void in our life's background. We attribute them the characteristics we deem logical for them to have and don't give ourselves the opportunity to really explore their beings. What is a friend? Ideally a friend would be someone who goes beyond the hollow one-dimensional attribution and really gets to know you. Understanding not only the many sides to your character and personality but what you hold dear and believe in as well. We make friends not only with those who used to be strangers but also with old acquaintances and even family members. We all wish to be understood don't we? I honestly couldn't think of someone who wished for understanding without being understood himself. If such a being existed he would most definitely be disgusting, just running around in his or her ignorance. Was I experiencing sonder right now? I could only wonder as I subtly stared at those eyes of his.

Surprisingly enough though we can come to sonder even in our own homes, with the people we are the closest to and would normally claim to know the best. We can one day realize that we don't really understand a person and have so far only been scratching the surface of their true selves. He wasn't really my family but could and was already largely considered to be by both Mother and Father, our families were pretty close after all. Not only that but I had at some point considered him family as well and even if I hadn't been particularly close to any of my family members for quite a while now, he was a part of it at some point regardless. That was, however, until we started to drift apart due to him appearing completely cynical towards the situation I was both at home and at school. It wasn't as if I ever expected him to solve this issues, even less now, but the fact that he never even approached me to offer his support had hurt me to no end. That was the past however, it was time for the crybaby to end.

Motivations are a very complex set of concepts, ones that even if coming from the same place in all of us can take multiple interlinked roads. Linking the past, present and the future in an effort to make all of it worth it as a whole. The need to act today rarely comes from the present itself, most often than not coming from either the past or the future. So why should I act today? Why do I feel so resolute to put an end to this friendship? Friendship? Had we really been friends at any point? What was that I once ought to do by his side? Shouldering the challenges of the future together? Growing alongside one another? No, that didn't sound right.

"So where are you taking me, Yukinoshita-san?"

He asked with nothing less than a cheerful smile and those glistening eyes of his, apparently having already regained his usual composure. I had been growing to despise that static smile of his, it wasn't real. No one could ever be constantly happy, could they? What was his motivation for faking happiness however, reliability? Did he wish for others to admire him? No, admiration would never be gratificating unless you inspired others out of your own heart. Inspiration came from the heart and never the mind after all.

"Somewhere a bit more private."

I answered without hesitation while taking notice of what seemed to be a small flame already burning inside of me, my chest felt hot and my throat sore. Was I angry? No, this was how true determination felt like. He blushed slightly at my remark, probably not fully understanding its meaning.

"Don't get any ideas, there's just something I need to ask of you."

"Oh...I see."

He seemed to flinch for barely a second before putting on that fake smile of his once again and when he did, the whole world seemed to smile back at him. How could he irradiate so much positivity all the time? By him stealing a glance back at me I realized my staring had gone for far too long, to which I reacted by immediately averting my sight from him. Trying to ignore the sligh blush spreading across my cheeks I pressed on forward without much consideration for his walking pace. He seemed genuinely happy about this little outing of ours and yet I couldn't shake the feeling that the awkwardness between us was not solely my fault.

What was happiness? Could one ever really fake happiness? Or could the mere notion of being happy bring happiness by itself? I couldn't quite tell why but all of this questions had been only plaguing me as of late, before this point in time not even popping inside my head. Ignorance was bliss wasn't it? For one wouldn't suffer when unaware of his or her own ignorance. At any rate, this was probably a side effect of me finally growing up and so I needed to see this doubts of mine to the very end now.

"That seems like a good place, come on now."

I casually said while pointing my finger at the fortune wheel that stood tall among all of the other attractions. It was a slow ride and offered a beautiful panoramic view of not only the whole park but the surrounding area as well. The perfect place for couples or personal questions alike, it was my best bet. As we made our way to the aforementioned attraction he seemed to get a little nervous, his quickened breathing and distant gaze being proof of this. Why was he nervous? Well, I guess it could be expected of him given what I had told him before. He, after all, had no idea of what I was going to ask of him.

Moving through the seemingly endless crowd was starting to really take its toll on me. It had always been difficult for me to be surrounded by this many people and so raising a hand to my temple and closing my eyes for a second, I took a deep breath before continuing. Should I immediately proceed in my current state I would surely faint.

"Are you alright?"

He said while bringing his hand to my left shoulder, to which I blushed in response. His face showed nothing but worry now, did he truly care about me? Had I been mistaken? No, I hadn't. Escaping from the brief illusion his perfect smile and deceitful eyes had put me through I shook away his hand from my shoulder and pressed on. What was that he wanted? I thought in distress while vigorously pressing forward with little regard for my surroundings.

"Be careful…!"

Someone said in discomfort as I collided with him, my recklessness being the cause of this. Still just wanting to just get away, I continued on without looking at him.

"Sorry, she's not good with crowds"

Was he seriously apologizing for me? This made me angry and I couldn't quite tell why. Sometimes looking at me as if I was the most precious thing in the world while completely disregarding my wellbeing and dignity in other occasions. Was he playing with me or wasn't he aware of this fact? Having finally arrived to our destination, we immediately passed on to the line for the attraction. His smile losing its usual charming effect with every given step.

The rest happened in a flash, the many minutes we waited in line, us getting inside the little cabin reserved for us, us rising up above the sky. It all happened so fast I didn't even take notice of how long it took us to get here. He intently gazing into my eyes as I struggled to push the words out of my throat. His eyes showing nothing but a void in which warmth headed on to die, it honestly seemed as if he knew exactly what I was going to say.

"I..."

The sunset now violently occurred behind him, sending rays of light from the sides and top of his head. His slender yet healthy figure being darkened by the contrast this put him through, his vicious and calculating eyes now lacking any of the glistering joy these usually had. He was currently like an eclipse, projecting nothing but darkness into the world no matter how much light surrounded it. But was the sun or the moon that selfishly deprived Earth from all of its light? I couldn't tell and this tore me apart. There was a time I liked him, a time I treasured him and now it was the time for me to despise him. Always rejecting the immediate reality while living in the past, living under the illusion that it was all alright. That I wasn't harassed and that he didn't ought to put an end to it. To stand up for me. Remembering my sister's words in that very moment I realized something. For me a friend was someone who would stand up for me even should I not ask for any help, it was a self indulgent and narcissistic desire and yet I didn't want to give it up. I wanted to help people, of course, but I also needed someone to care for me. For I ain't capable of enduring this alone for much longer. It wasn't as if I needed someone to fully understand my motivations but I needed someone to stand up for me because he or she followed his heart and not his mind. For someone prioritized me over the status quo. Does someone like that even exist? I wonder.

"Why don't you ever stand up for me?"

Slowly but surely pushing the words out of my throat I sent him my most serious expression in an effort to get through to him what I now expected of him. We were now alone, weren't we? I expected him to at least be sincere with me now, just as the clouds themselves seemed to be exist under our feet. Seemingly taken aback by my question his calculating and arrogant expression was washed away by the likes of surprise and, joy?

"May I know why you are asking me this?"

Answering a question with another question, he was surely trying to divert my attention. I could still redirect it however.

"I want to know where we are standing respective to one another."

I answered with confidence and a calculated ice cold tone.

"Where we stand? Aren't we friends?"

The term friend was a vague one at best, one that was rarely discussed with a so called friend due to the very awkward nature of such a discussion. Discussing what a friend really was put in peril all the relationships that up to that point had been, even if unspoken, considered friendships. People didn't talk about this things due to the fear of arriving at a critical disagreement that would question the veracity of said relationship and yet, I wouldn't settle for an ambiguous relationship now. Not one that I had treasured for far too long in the past.

"What is a friend to you, Hayato?"

I rarely refer to anyone by their first name but in this moment I don't care should I come out as rude, absolute sincerity was what I expected of him now. If he granted me that now it might just change my current perspective of him a bit. Feeling the struggle between the will to follow my now dear ideals and the emotion that prompted me to just beg for him to help me, I tightened my fists and lowered my gaze a bit. A crybaby? A crybaby would back down now but unfortunately I wouldn't be a crybaby anymore. I was a Yukinoshita, no, I wanted to be one. Prideful, hardworking and seeker of an idealistic absolute justice. That was who I wanted to be, one that helped people and was at the very least capable of standing on her own.

"A friend? What a weird question."

He laughed uncomfortably at my question in an effort to delay his now impending response by if only a second. How will you work your way out of this one, huh? I pondered while intending to get the truth out of him.

"I guess someone whom you would want to hang around with? To spend time together and share their lives?"

Just as expected he wouldn't bulge in the slightest, being someone who constantly tried his hardest to preserve the stability of any given system it was only natural for him to react like this. Thus, in order to get the truth out of him I would have to force him to create a new relationship with me, to reset our existing one and give way to a new one. One in which we would be forced to compare his ideas about friendship with mine. It was my only choice now.

It was true that I wanted someone to support me when I fell but he or should should be able to catch me on their own, out of their own volition. This was because while desiring for support I also wanted to be able to stand by myself. To force my own way forward and only should I fall for someone to be there for me. It was clearly a narcissistic, egoistic and self indulgent wish but it was mine to hold regardless.

"For me a friend is someone who would help me even if I don't explicitly ask for his or her help. Someone who cares and supports me out of their own volition. What about yours?"

My voice grew increasingly colder with each word I spew.

"I just told you Yukinoshita-san. Or are you expecting of me to help you in matters that don't concern me?"

He referred to me so formally in spite of me having called him by his first name before, was he trying to create emotional distance? Feeling somewhat distressed and a little ill I pressed on, backing down wouldn't be like me anymore.

"I'm expecting of you to reflect on what I just told and determine whether or not you could be my friend."

No more poking around from the bush, it was time to lie my cards down.

"We are already friends, aren't we? Besides, you were never the one to ask for any help. How would I know what you expect of me now if you never speak to me like this?"

"That may be but..."

Realizing the increasingly growing flaws within my own logic I decided to, for once, speak from the heart. I hated doing it but this was a relationship that had been and to some extent still was dear to me.

"Even if it's an egoistic desire I want to only have friends who help me out of their own volition."

"Don't you think that's asking a bit too much of people who aren't a part of your family? Friends sure hang out and enjoy spending time together but these don't need to carry the burden of one another, that would only lead to people no longer being able to take care of themselves."

His cheerful way of being has vanished completely by this point, leaving only a man whose words could match mine in temperature. Who was this person I didn't recognize?

"That would only lead to codependency and that's unhealthy."

Without being sure as to what to answer I prompted him to continue by giving a tiny nod.

"If you expect me to help you out of my own volition you should ask yourself the intricacies of that happening first."

"What do you mean?"

I asked while feeling slightly lost.

"The moment I stand up for you it would make me look bad in face of my other friends and so by helping neither you nor them and leaving you to your own devices I'm actually preserving the peace. I'm promoting a healthy atmosphere."

"Peace? Healthy atmosphere?"

I asked in disbelief as my blood started to boil, how could anyone be so cynical and carefree?

"There's nothing healthy about it and you know it."

Declaring with an ice cold stare I pressed on.

"So in that little distorted logic of yours there are no moral scales as to what is right and what's wrong? Don't you feel any regret at all for prioritizing your relationships over what's morally right?"

"Right? Was it right for you to explode during class last week?"

My heart felt like breaking upon hearing those words and yet, just as tears started falling down my face I kept on going. Sadness giving way to rage and this to hurtful intent consequently, no matter how much I tried to deny it though that had hurt.

"That was different! I had reached my tipping point and even apologized to every one of you afterwards. Even to her…!"

"You talk about moral scales and friendship but you really just want me to prioritize you over my other friends, don't you?"

"Of course not!"

I started rising my voice in distress.

"I only want you to be someone who cares for me and acts upon what is right! I just...I want you to be a real friend."

While lowering my gaze I muttered in a low bitter tone.

"I have enough fake people in my life already..."

I took a deep breath trying to calm myself before lighting my face once again and so the bitter hot feeling inside my chest was met with an empathetic smile of his.

"And don't you think that has something to do with you? I mean, you don't even try to make friends with our classmates. You should take some of that responsibility as well, don't you think?"

"Those girls harass me everyday…, are you seriously trying to place the fault on me?"

"No. But if you are also partly to blame, if you are also not taking part in any action to improve your situation, don't you think it is hypocritical to expect me to?"

"I…"

Refraining myself from giving another answer in the heat of the moment I opted instead to keep silent.

"We are friends Yukinoshita-san but I won't favor you over any of my other friends. You would have to be something more than my friend in order for me to do that..."

Surprised by his remark I still kept silent, not wanting to misinterpret anything.

"What is your reason for acting?"

"Huh?"

What was with the sudden change in topic? I wanted to see where this would lead either way.

"Why do you do the things you do? Happiness, right?"

"Security and peace of mind."

I replied while brushing away my tears.

"I act out of what brings me closer to my objective, you know? Lecturing you was a part of said process."

Gritting my teeth in desperation I said harshly.

"Lecturing me? I don't think you are right in the slightest."

"And yet you kept silent..."

He said with a pitiful expression that I hoped would never to be on the receiving end of again.

"You are arguing against someone you treasure, don't you?"

"I…"

I opened my eyes in shock as I was driven into a corner, would he really use my own feelings against me?

"I treasure you as well, you know? But I want you to learn to stand on your own too because I care about you. Doesn't that say anything to you?"

Fearing where he might be going with this, noticing his subtle but sure gain as to my position I panicked. While in panic I tend to act impulsively but never before had I done something like this.

"Trying to paint yourself as some kind of hero? One misunderstood by the one he allegedly wants to save? You disgust me..."

The sound of my slap ran through the air...

"It was fun, you know?"

He commented while looking out the window, our ride had come to an end.

He and Nee-san should have found one another by now, and where was I? As I sat alone on a bench while trying to repress my feelings it was impossible for me to contain a tear or two. Away from everybody and everyone, it was only here that I felt safe enough to cry. He had me fooled, hadn't he? I was just another pawn to him, another girl from the bunch. Another one dimensional character he refused to try to understand. Another girl who would fall under his belt, another girl for him to… It was almost impossible to know for sure what he thought of me now, more so it was also impossible to tell who was right. We didn't arrive at any kind of conclusion or middle ground after all, settling instead for just exposing our points of view in the end. This was only me trying to console myself however as the truth was that I had been completely obliterated in that argument. It seems I had been wrong all along, hadn't I? Relying on others was a deprecating notion that wished to distribute among the many the fault you ought to carry alone. Remembering once again his words and matching these with those of Sister I finally arrived at my desired conclusion. It was time for me to grow up. Finally bouncing back to reality from within my thoughts I now noticed the boy who had taken a sit besides me. Those dead-looking eyes of him lacked any color, just as his had.

"Could you please stop staring?"

The boy, irradiating an aura of clear annoyance, expressed his discomfort.

"Sorry..."

As I replied by instinct a realization came to me. If I was solely to blame for what now happened to me at school, if I was to blame for not taking any action in order to stop it before, what a better moment to start practicing than now? I would grow up from here, solely dedicating myself to my improvement and perhaps something else...

"...it's just that those dead eyes of yours reminded me of something I hate."

"Hate?"

He asked without clearly understanding my meaning, not that I would expect him to understand anyways.

"Something that I used to love."

Replying while standing up from my resting place besides him, I proceeded to leave.

"Mean bitch..."

I heard him mutter under his breath as I distanced myself from his vicinity and upon analyzing his words it hit me. Perhaps in a world like this, so often so fake, so often so cruel, it would be better to be like that. This answer didn't fully satisfy me however as no matter how much I came to hate everything the people in my life stood for, I couldn't help but to love them still. Perhaps happiness would come to me by saving people? Remembering those distasteful words of his I pondered, does anyone ever really do anything out of something different than their own satisfaction? The answer didn't really matter to me though, I would help people stand on their own for I knew how hard it was.

He had me fooled and there was no doubt about it but, could I really blame him? Or should I blame myself for my own lack of insight? He had every right to want what he wanted an act upon it as he alone saw fit, but having the right to do something doesn't mean it is correct. It never is to disregard someone and then try to gain something from them by painting yourself as a hero. By claiming it all was for the greater good.

"Don't you worry..."

I muttered under my breath while exiting the park.

"I will show you how to really change the world..."

I finally learned of your motivations but somehow feel even more lost than before. Is it wrong to want someone to help you out of their own volition while you struggle to finally stand by yourself? Is it wrong to want...?

Thank you everyone for reading :)

I understand this sudden shifts in Yukino's mind might be a bit extreme at times but please bear in mind this is a way more underdeveloped version of her. One still struggling to detach herself from others.

Please be sure to tell me what you think about it, thank you all again :)