Chapter 12

Elle was finding it hard to believe what her life is right now. Had it really been eight months ago that she was struggling with the role of a would be assassin and tasked with killing a man she knew was innocent and even in her eyes a hero?

Her hero.

The man who had saved a brother long thought dead. George's death had left a hole so deep and dark she didn't know that it could ever be filled.

Eric didn't know that is just what he did. When she found out what a young Eric had risked, she already knew what her path would be. She fought admitting that and so much more over the years. She fought it even harder when she finally went to Dauntless and came face to face with the monster she was supposed to hate and destroy.

From the first there had been something there. During training when he was at his coldest and cruelest to her, going harder on her than anyone else in her class, there had been something in his eyes. He would single her out often, and for no reason other than he could. In those times she wanted to hate him, she just never could.

When Elle fell in love with Eric she couldn't really say. She had lived in hiding and denial for so long that it was just so ingrained in her. Never reveal her true feelings especially to Eric.

That had been chipped away at slowly over the months that she has been with Eric. Larger bits of that fell away when Brendan joined them two months ago.

It had been a struggle and learning process for the both of them. Elle had stepped back and didn't want to intrude or assume too much. That changed in the second week when she had lain in bed with Eric; as he was falling into an exhausted sleep he had kissed her and murmured that he couldn't do it without her. That seemed to have sealed her fate.

Now it was two months later and she was looking at the happy baby boy sitting in a small metal tub splashing in water and babbling. The sun is shining and sky is clear outside, making for the perfect day for an outside bath. Eric is over by the area he chops wood to trade for supplies. All she needs to do is turn her head to get a view of him at work.

Shirt off and muscles rippling as he lifts the ax high before swinging it down with a thud. Every once in a while he would catch her looking at him and a cocky grin would lift his lips up on the sides. It was still enough to make her blush no matter how many times they had come together.

Elle leaned forward to scoop up some of the sun warmed water to trickle over Brendan, making the little boy laugh even more. She would get him out of the bath and wrap him up soon before laying him down for a nap. Something that sounded wonderful to her at the moment.

She was all healed now though she still wasn't up to where she had been physically before. With Brendan and their new routine it was hard to want to push herself to get back into the same physical shape. Not to the extent she once went to before.

Eight months ago she would never believe her days would consist of cuddling with a baby and Eric Coulter. Waking up with him and making slow quiet love before Brendan let them know he was up for the day. Breakfast was a noisy affair but one that lifted both of their spirits even when Brendan was having a bad day. The rest of the day was all dependent on what that baby, who had both of them wrapped around his little finger, might be up to.

Gardening, small walks together with Brendan strapped to Eric in his carrier, playing on the floor with the toys and activities provided by some of the Amity women, light exercises, and preparing meals together; those seemed to be the core activities of her days. At first there had been an itching within her, a restlessness that she couldn't quite settle. She thought it was because she was needed somewhere and wasn't able to do anything about it while she was still recovering. As she recovered and got better that started to fade as well.

Elle was forced to admit that the feeling she had was her fear, urging her to run and get out now before she was in too deep. At times, late at night when Eric was holding her, she felt it creep up on her. It always seemed that he knew when she was feeling this way.

He would hold her just a little bit closer, mumbling her name like a prayer in his sleep. Other times he would wake up and see her awake in his arms. He wouldn't say anything, he would just begin to touch her. Stoking a fire that was never all the way banked in her. On those nights he didn't let her rush things. He would spend what seemed like forever just touching her and letting her touch him in return. Pulling her deeper and deeper into her need for him; for both of them.

The thought terrified her because she felt like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop or to wake up and realize it was all a dream. She didn't think she could survive if either happened.

Eric waved to Elle as she gathered Brendan out of his bath and went back into the house. He wiped the sweat from his face with the back of his arm and went to stack all of the wood he had already cut into small bundles. He would need to get those bundles set at the drops and check the supplies that would be left in exchange.

Today was also the day he would be going to meet with Evan and Johanna. The last note he got in one of the supply drops let him know they had some good leads on a few of the things they were checking in to.

He hated leaving the two of them alone for any amount of time but it needed to be done. Elle was all healed and could decide to leave at any time now. He feared this so much that he had been putting off having the three of them going in to the community during their walks. Johanna had been saying that if he didn't want Elle to feel trapped he needed to let go a little and give her room to breathe. He knew she was right but he just couldn't.

He thought the time with Elle alone had been the happiest time of his life but he was wrong. When Brendan came to be with them it had only multiplied. Even in the nights that Brendan wouldn't sleep and seemed to cry for no reason, which weren't many, he still had a sense of being complete. He just couldn't risk losing that.

When he finished with his chore and jumped into a quick shower, he went to find Elle. He was surprised to find her curled up in bed with his sleeping nephew right beside her. He felt his heart stop at the image of them both. So beautiful and peaceful in their sleep. Brendan holding a lock of Elle's hair while she cradled him against her chest.

He moved to the bed and carefully eased onto it until he was right behind her. He was careful not to wake Brendan but he ran a finger down the side of Elle's face, causing her to stir a little.

"Shh." He hushed her soothingly. "I just wanted to let you know I am going to make the drops and then run to get more supplies. I'll be back in time to help with dinner."

Elle sighed and moved her head to kiss Eric before she was turning and slipping back in to sleep.

Eric smiled and eased back off the bed. He remained quiet as he got ready for the hike and then slipped out of their home.

"We have word from a few of the communities outside of the fence. So far these are only the ones that contain people who once lived in Seattle or the children and grandchildren who lived here." Johanna informed Eric as soon as he settled himself in her office.

She could sense as soon as he arrived that today would not be a day for prolonged pleasantries or delay. He had the air of impatience and that always made him more temperamental.

Eric nodded and took a drink of the water he was provided. "What is the word then?"

"There is interest in the proposal, however, none of them are willing to entertain the idea if it is to mean going back to the way things once were." The elder Amity answered, her own feelings about this still in a tangle.

Eric shook his head and swallowed a gulp of the water. He had all but run to make it here in record time. "I don't see that happening. Hell, I will make sure it doesn't. That is what put us in this entire fucking mess. We are going to need to come up with some kind of system though."

He waved that away for now. "Getting ahead of ourselves. Have you heard anything back about those we needed to get in touch with?"

Evan nodded. "The group of people, your friends, ended up heading towards California. It shouldn't be too much to figure out where they finally stopped. There are a few major cities but there are several smaller that dot the coast along there. The other two, George and Amar, got the message. From what I am understanding they are planning on tying up loose ends where they are currently and heading here."

Johanna caught the nervous nod from Eric and she put out a hand to touch his elbow. "That is a good thing. Them sending word they are tying up loose ends where they currently live suggest they at least plan on staying a while when they get here. If what we are working towards plays out like we planned I know the two men will want to stay and help."

Eric ran a hand through his hair with a nod. "Fuckin' hope so." He mutters before he steers the conversation to other matters.

Teams would need to be formed to go into the city and try to evaluate the conditions. They would need to go sector by sector with how big the scope of everything is it could take months just to find out the viability of his idea. It would be worth it in the end if he could give Elle her home back though.

"Have you thought about the other matter I mentioned?" Johanna asked Eric as he was packing up the newest supplies for his family.

He had hoped to avoid this subject but knew the woman he was coming to see as a friend and mentor even more than before, wouldn't let it drop. "I am thinking about it still."

Johanna sighed and shook her head. "I know what you are trying to prevent. You have to know deep down that by trying to keep her in a bubble of your creation will more than likely drive her away, making her feel stifled and caged. Just like you were when you first came to us."

His jaw taut, he growled a little before he closed his eyes and nodded. "I know."

"Might I suggest that I send the cart for you three for the celebration we will be holding in a weeks time? That way you won't have to worry about the hike with Elle and Brendan. We could even arrange for somewhere to stay that night if it gets too late."

Eric debated and had his eyes narrowed as he calculated things. "No staying the night but we will take the cart. I would rather not put Brendan too off his routine and getting him used to his new life with us. We will be going back home that night."

Eric turned to leave and heard the smile in his friend's voice as she agreed to have it all arranged. He knew she would do just that so he didn't worry anymore about that. His concern and focus went all to getting home as quickly as possible.

Eric had been putting in a lot of thought to home and the meaning. He hadn't felt like he had a home in so long, not since the death of his father. He was finding that it wasn't a specific building or place. Dauntless had felt like home to him the moment Elle had come to him. Even then he had known somewhere inside he had just been denying things.

There would be no more denying it and no more pretending she wasn't everything he needed.

The bag sitting beside the door was like a bomb, set to go off the minute those large boots set foot over the threshold of the cabin. Elle eyed it in dread and anger. She used those feelings to push aside the absolute pain and hurt of the choice she had made.

Choice, what choice. The only other option was to stay here as a burden and a debt he thought he needed to repay.

She was the stupid one that confused his gratitude for affection. Convinced herself that he might love her, like she...

She swallowed and closed her eyes against the burning behind them. She had already said her goodbyes to Brendan. He was thankfully down for a late nap. Eric was off on what he had told her was him helping with the beginning of the fall harvest. She found out that it was really him sneaking away to see her….Paisley.

Elle had wanted to think it was nothing at first when she noticed how they were together at the festival. How he smiled at her while she was holding Brendan or how her hand lingered on his arm.

She had even remarked on it more out of curiosity.

"Yeah, I guess I am just trying to open up to more people. It just seems natural to do that with her. Brendan adores her and I am coming to think of her as family. We will need that I think. I was actually considering moving closer, so we aren't so closed off. I am thinking of talking to Paisley and see what she thinks."

The words at the time hadn't registered for her that when he said 'we' he wasn't referring to Brendan and Elle, along with him. That took Elle seeing him leaving her house when he should have been out helping with the harvest two weeks after that festival.

Elle had walked down to visit with Johanna and wanted to pick up a few things to make as a surprise for Eric when he came home for dinner. She never made it that far. When she got closer to the main compound, Elle saw the door open to Paisley's house and Eric stepping out. Looking all sweaty and rough, buttoning up a shirt and laughing at something she was saying. Paisley followed him out, reached out to touch his chest right before he got the last button done. He leaned in and kissed her cheek then smiled and left.

Elle hadn't seen where he went to after that. She had just felt sickness in her stomach and rage heating her skin. She knows Paisley saw her, had even raised her hand to wave but when she got a look at the expression on Elle's face she had quickly gone inside. That was a week ago.

She tried to be logical and not react. Elle was even going to talk about it with him. When he came home he had this shifty look in his eyes and for the first time since they had become intimate he turned her down. Saying he was too tired. He still held her close at night but it was no more than that. In the morning there were no loving wake up calls she had been used to. He still kissed and held her but his rejection hurt, so she pulled away.

He had acted hurt or offended and that had set her off. They had their first fight since she brought him here. He had stormed off and didn't come back until late. He had apologized and held her even closer, but she pretended to be asleep.

Elle had already made up her mind. She saw where this was heading and needed to get out now. She should have never indulged in allowing her own feelings to enter into things. She had heard that some people had problems separating sex from emotional attachments and apparently she was one of those people. Apparently Eric was not.

Tears were rolling down her face at her recollections of the past and she knew that wouldn't do. So she went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on her face. Until she finally filled the sink and dunked her face into the water. She came up spluttering and looked into the mirror. There was some redness around the eyes but it would have to do.

She fixed her hair and went to the living room. Eric was bound to be close to arriving. Her estimation was correct as he entered just as she was slinging the bag over her shoulder. She braced herself and lifted her chin.

Eric was practically dragging himself inside. He didn't look to be in a good temper and it didn't improve when he caught sight of her. Dressed in the clothes she had collected in Amity from a few of the women there. The pants were from a candor and were black. The top was a tank top from an Amity woman and was a deep red. She had a jacket of some kind of denim that was dark grey, probably from someone in Dauntless at some point. She had her own boots on and her hair in the style she always wore it in while in Dauntless.

"Brielle?" His using her name in question asked everything at once.

She shrugged and hoped it looked casual. "I'm all healed up. It's time I got started on finding my own way again." She looks back to where Brendan's crib is and swallows around the lump in her throat. "He's asleep. I went ahead and made some dinner for you but I am going to go ahead and set out to have a word or two with Johanna…."

Eric let his bags drop and stepped forward with a scowl. "Fuck dinner. You are just leaving? Leaving us like this?"

"Look, I appreciate you taking on getting me better. I know that it couldn't have been easy to be held back like that.."

A growl erupts from him as he grabs her arm and jerks to him. "Held back? What are you even talking about, Elle. Please...tell me where this is coming from because I thought we…"

"It was nothing, Eric. We were grieving and both felt like we owed each other something. I might have gotten caught up in it for a little bit but I am good now. Really. It's ok." She tries to give him a small reassuring smile that falters when she sees disgust cross his face.

"Debt. So all this.." he motions between the two of them with a finger "...was what? You just settling some fucking debt that exists only in your mind!"

Elle bristles and jerks out of his arms, heading towards the door. She might know it wasn't more for him but she couldn't let him know what it meant to her. She also didn't want their last words to be angry.

"I don't want to fight with you, Eric. I was hoping that we could part as friends at least." She said all this while holding onto the door and couldn't face him.

"Friends." He scoffs behind her and she hears the sneer in the words. Her heart clenches and she fights back the bile that has plagued her everyday and every time she thought of what she is doing now. "So you're just leaving like that? What about Brendan?"

It is so hard to choke back the sob and she doesn't succeed. She rips open the door and steps out, yelling over her shoulder back to him. "I am sure you and Paisley have that all figured out." Then she bolts into the night.

He won't follow. She planned on that, counted on it. She would run and he would have to stay because Brendan was there. He might be asleep but he would never leave his nephew alone and unattended. She knew she was a coward running like this.

Part of her was screaming to turn back and confront him fully but she couldn't. If she heard everything she knew to be true confirmed, it would rip what little will she had left from her. When she got far enough away she slowed finally until she was barely limping along.

She honestly had no clue where she was going to go. Elle had said she was going to Johanna but she didn't know if she could or would go there. The woman that she had come to see as such a good friend and surrogate mother, would convince her to stay. Would welcome her with open arms even. That sounded nice but in reality was just going to be torturing herself.

Eric would appear tomorrow and they would inevitably run into each other. Elle would have to see him as he finally is able to put together his family. She couldn't stand to see the three of them as they started their new happy lives together knowing that she wanted it to be herself.

Her feet betrayed her while her eyes brimmed with pain and tears. She wound up outside the very same door she had been intending to keep away from. And just like she thought, it was thrown open and she was welcomed in. Johanna's embrace was what finally broke the timid wall Elle held her pain and grief with. It crumbled until she was a sobbing mess being rocked in arms of comfort.

Johanna didn't ask what is going on. It wasn't time for that. She could only hold the young woman and soothe her as much as she would allow herself to be soothed. When her tears had run dry, she then held a wet cloth to the back of the young girls neck as she then let the grief and pain leave from her stomach.

When that too was all dried up, Johanna helped get her settled in one of her spare rooms where Elle sunk into the only kind of sleep that can happen when someone has been under such strain.

Her sleep was fitful but she didn't wake. She dreamed but wouldn't remember them come the morning. She rose early hoping to sneak away before Johanna woke herself. Elle was met by the elder woman and all hope she had of slipping off disappeared.

A patted motion on the seat beside her and a look of no arguments saw Elle sitting down at the silent order. She was served tea and some toast before Johanna looked to her.

"Now, child. Tell me what has brought you here and so upset." Johanna had a way about her of making her commands gentle. It left the person feeling like it was a request and they had any choice in the matter.

Her tone and aura drew the person's troubles out of them without them even knowing they were giving them away. It was the same with Elle and she knew she could have fought it but she didn't want to.

She unburdened herself and felt better for it. Johanna offered advice. Elle knew she would. She also knew she would say to talk to Eric. To open up to him about all of this but...that wasn't something Elle could do. She couldn't risk it.

Elle knew what she saw and what she felt. Eric was trying to do the right thing by her but that was all it was for him. She held no anger towards him and wished him well. It was time for her to move on and find her place. Before she could move on she would confront her past.

She didn't tell Johanna this but she had decided sometime in her fitful night that she would go back to the city. When Johanna had to leave for her day, Elle left to start out the next step in hers.

The further she got from Amity, the more the hollow feeling inside took over. She thought that having to face the truth would kill her but it turned out that running away was just as likely to do the same.