Not-Lesson 5: No, spices cannot fix everything
Terrorists. In exchange for getting a break, Sekishin was to take out any terrorists that decided to attack, or hijack in this case, the space ship. It was just an ordinary space ship with ordinary passengers and no VIPs on board. Normally it wouldn't be a target, but the Shinsengumi were taking no chances. At least one man was assigned to ride any departing ship and apprehend any culprits.
She, or rather, Akatsuki argued that he wasn't a soldier, just a desk worker. Sending a desk worker alone to guard a ship from a group of hijackers was not a smart idea. But it was Hijikata's idea, to her surprise, and he used his authority to force her to board the ship.
It was luck that allowed Sekishin to not do any work. Luck led her to ride in the same ship that the Yorozuya, by luck, procured tickets for. And it was luck that the finally terrorist had been knocked unconscious after colliding with an opening door.
But there was good luck, and there was bad luck. The pilots were off in dream land, the ship was going for a crash landing—or maybe just a crash—the passengers were panicking, and the one conscious man who could pilot the ship was motion-sick, empty-headed, and just a plain idiot. And with the Yorozuya involved—every Shinsengumi's worst nightmare was having to rely on the Yorozuya, or more specifically, Gintoki, because not once had there ever been a time when a case could be wrapped up cleanly when they were involved—the ship might as well have been headed to the scrapyard.
Actually, it crashed on a desert on a planet that wasn't Earth.
After walking around and deciding that there was no way the ship would fly without any repairs, Sekishin took out some rope from her left sleeve and tied the terrorists up.
As Sekishin exited the ship, she could hear Sakamoto's usual laugh that irritated his comrades on the battlefield to no end. Soon afterwards, She saw Gintoki yelling him while grabbing hold of his clothes.
"What, are you becoming senile all of a sudden, you hairball?!"
Some people just didn't change.
"You know, Gin, with that perm, you might as well be a hairball, too," she remarked.
"Huh? Seki-san? What are you doing here?" Shinpachi asked. Kagura only won three tickets.
"I got my own ticket, of course," she replied.
"Seki?" Sakamoto wondered. "Seki. Seki. That sounds awfully familiar."
Gintoki groaned. His twin smiled, amused. And Sakamoto only laughed.
"Hm? Kintoki, did you always have a female counterpart? Oh wait, it's Sekishin! Long time no see! You cut your hair!"
"Why does he only get my name wrong?" Gintoki muttered while Sekishin responded with a, "Long time no see, Bakamoto!"
Sakamoto patted her on the shoulder. "Man, how many years has it been? Looks like you're not a ghost!" At that, he laughed.
"Make him shut up or I'll go crazy."
To her brother's dismay, the two were catching up on old times and sharing stories.
"Kagura-chan, you can't cross the river! You can't!" they heard Shinpachi shout. They looked to see Kagura walk to a place unseen to them. Gintoki sighed and walked over to his employees.
"So I heard you're traveling the universe now. How's that going?"
"Oh, it's great. I've got my own fleet of merchants. Ever heard of the Kaientai?"
"No, can't say I have. So, how was Gin after I disappeared off the face of the Earth?"
"He was in denial for the first few days."
She thought as much. "I'm sure we all need the Nile River to survive in this desert."
Sakamoto laughed heartily. "I'm sure that girl and Kintoki are already heading for it. Hey look! It's Oryo-chan!" Filled with vigor, Sakamoto ran off to talk to the invisible Oryo-chan.
The heat was already frying their brains and messing with their sight. Sekishin thought she saw a familiar man standing in the middle of the desert with his back to her. Slowly, he turned around and smiled at her, the heat not fazing him one bit.
"What have you two been up to?" he asked.
Two children ran past Sekishin, both dripping wet.
"We fell in the river," they replied, wringing the water out of their tattered clothes.
The man took off his haori and dried the two's hair with it. "I wouldn't want you to get a cold."
When he finished, the children's hair was worse than usual. After exchanging glances, they bit back their laughter.
A bucket of water was splashed at Sekishin. The hallucination was replaced with the sight of nothing but sand and her twin.
"That's really refreshing. Could you do that one more time?" she requested.
"Do it yourself." He handed her a water bottle. "Sakamoto's fleet—no, you heard me right and yes, I'm just as surprised as you are—arrived to rescue him and the other passengers. Everyone else is on board. You don't need me to carry you, do you?"
"No." She stood up and walked towards the ship. She caught sight of the captured terrorists inside.
"Hey, Sekishin!" Sakamoto was on deck, standing next to Shinpachi. The woman stood on the other side of her old friend.
"So this is the Kaientai," she said, marveling at the size of the ships. And the lack of Amanto as well. At least, the lack of Amanto that looked human. It was Sakamoto's way of proving, perhaps, that even Earthlings could operate just fine in space. That it wasn't just Amanto that claimed supremacy over the intergalactical trade.
"I spent ten years working on this. Impressive, isn't it?"
"For someone like you, yes."
"Oh, that's right. We were discussing about what we've been doing to protect our country. Anything you want to say?" Sakamoto asked.
"Why are you asking me? I'm not protecting our country," she said. "The only thing I'm trying to protect is Gin's sanity."
Shinpachi looked back on the interactions between the twins. "No, you're just making it worse!"
Screams drowned out the sound of Sakamoto's laughter, and everyone was looking at the men hovering above the ground. Pale green tentacles were wrapped around them, and they struggled to get free.
"Save us!" they yelled.
"Huh? What? Really?" Shinpachi exclaimed.
"My brain's being fried by the heat. I'm starting to see strange things," Sakamoto laughed. He walked away in search of some shade, not noticing the tentacle that reached for his arm.
"No, Sakamoto-san, something is twining around your…" The boy stared back at the arm, but the tentacle was gone. He rubbed his eyes, thinking maybe he was also seeing a hallucination. Sekishin threw away a cut-off tip of a tentacle, holding the blade of a tanto between her teeth. Then she put the blade back in its place hidden beneath her left sleeve.
"Seki-san!"
The tentacle returned, hell bent on revenge.
"Even if it is just an hallucination, Kintoki would kill me if I let you be harmed," Sakamoto joked, shooting at it and all the ones holding his men. The humans fell to the ground and quickly ran away.
Annoyed that its efforts to get rid of the noisy humans had been interrupted twice by two even more pesky humans, the sand bug emerged from beneath the sand, eliciting cries of surprise. Its tentacles coiled around the ship, intent on bringing it down. As Mutsu barked out orders to shoot the sand bug down, the few remaining limbs took their brief moment of disorientation as a chance to twine around Sekishin and Sakamoto. Sakamoto's gun clattered to the floor.
Shinpachi hollered their names, as if would somehow save them. And Mutsu ignored her captain's dilemma and ordered to fire the gun.
"But Sakamoto-san and Seki-san are—!"
Sekishin inhaled and shouted, "Don't worry about us! Just fire!"
And they did.
Sakamoto laughed as the tentacles flailed, though it lacked his usual jolliness. Sekishin shut her eyes and braced herself for whatever was about to come. They both were pulled under the sand.
There was a young man sitting on the side of the road, the straw hat on his head drooping down and obscuring his face. The number of beggars seen on the streets increased as the war went on, but the youth's clothes were still in good shape, marking him as something else.
A woman went up to him, and the hat tipped back, revealing a bright smile. It was somewhat out of place. He pointed to a spot beside him, his eyes still focused on the woman and his mouth constantly opening and closing. It was then that she and the woman noticed the rectangular cloth on the ground. From where she watched, she could faintly make out the items that were laid on it, sorted in neat rows.
A merchant. The girl inclined her head to the side, her curiosity showing in her eyes. The merchant conversed with his potential customer, pointing items out and using exaggerated hand gestures. He paused to laugh often, and though her hearing was impaired due to the bandages wrapped around her head—the one who bandaged her head was obviously clumsy, but it was the thought that counted—and the noise around her, his laughter was registered in her brain.
"Oi, how long are you going to stand there? Come on, we're going back."
"Okay." The young girl followed after her companion, throwing one last look over her shoulder.
Sakamoto laughed as Gintoki pulled both him and his sister out of the sand.
"I swear, you're both idiots," he grumbled.
"So are you," Sekishin retorted.
"At least I'm not suicidal."
"I have good reason to, when I have to walk next to someone with as horrible of a fashion sense as you."
"Are you saying there's something wrong with my clothes?"
"Go take a book out of Takasugi's fashion sense."
"You're joking! And Sakamoto, stop laughing!" Gintoki yelled at his friend, who would die from laughter if nothing was done soon.
"Sakamoto? Sakamoto?" Sekishin shook one shoulder but there was no change. "It's not good, Gin. We've lost him! Quick, perform CPR!"
Gintoki's two fists connected with the tops of their heads. "I hope you both die from laughter!"
Later, the Kaientai descended to Earth. Their passengers were quick to disembark after uttering their last words of gratitude. Kagura jumped down from the deck, umbrella in hand, saying that she saw 'that sadist guy in the Shinsengumi' and that she needed to get her revenge.
"Uh…"
"They'll be fine," Sekishin assured Shinpachi, but did she think anyone caught up in their squabble would be unharmed? Nope. "Hey, Kagura! Don't forget to deliver these guys to him!"
With a grunt, the woman hefted the terrorists overboard, listening as they screamed before being caught in midair by Kagura. The young Yato then proceeded to throw them at Okita, who calmly stepped to the side and allowed the terrorists to crash into a pile of luggage. He then ducked under a kick from Kagura and unsheathed his sword.
"Is this really going to be all right?"
"Just let the young ones play with each other. After that, the adults will clean up after them. Don't worry so much, Megane-kun."
"...Seki-san?"
"Yes?"
"How long are you going to call me Megane-kun?"
"What do you mean? Isn't that your name?"
Shinpachi slammed his hand on the bulwarks. "My name is Shinpachi!"
The woman looked taken aback. "Eh? Are you daydreaming? A pair of glasses is always named Megane-kun."
"What do you mean, 'a pair of glasses'? I'm human. I'm one hundred percent human!"
"Yeah. Keep dreaming."
It was unfortunate, but Akatsuki's vacation didn't start until after he turned in a report the next day.
"Here," he said, handing the paper to Hijikata. The man looked at him for a while before taking the paper and skimming it.
"I see the way you write your reports haven't changed one bit. You have a shitty sense of humor as always."
"I don't know what you're talking about. This was the first time I ever had to write a report. Are you mistaking me for someone else again?"
"I have half a mind to burn that wig(katsura) of yours."
"What do you mean 'Katsura of mine'? Are you implying I own that Jouishishi?"
"Actually, let me kill you." Veins bulging, Hijikata drew his sword. And without warning, he brought it down on the blonde.
The sound of metal on metal rang throughout the area, but no one made a fuss about it. They were used to the usual fights between their vice commander and the desk worker. If it wasn't that, the there was still no need for concern. There were not much things in the world that Hijikata could not handle, after all. and Hijikata was not surprised to see his sword blocked by the blade of a tanto with an odd hilt.
"I'd appreciate it if you didn't kill me a second time," Akatsuki said, still smiling. With his eyes closed, it was hard to tell what he was thinking. It was unnerving.
But then again, Akatsuki and his past incarnation with the blank eyes were always unreadable. That was why he preferred Sekishin. Not that he'd admit that out loud. Akatsuki would pout, and Sekishin would rub the fact in his face at every chance she had.
It was so weird to have to remind himself that they were actually the same person.
Growling, he put the sword away and plopped himself back on the floor. Akatsuki also put away the tanto. Goddamn Fox Eyes. Hated him from the moment he graced his presence in the Shinsengumi. Hated him even after he found out he was Sekishin in disguise. Mostly hated him because...
"Yeah, I get it. You hate me. And no, I am not a mind reader. You just have that same face Gin makes when he wonders how he manages to put up with me." There was a pause. "And by me, I mean Seki." Another pause. "And by Gin, I mean Natural Perm."
"You're trying too hard," Hijikata grumbled, glaring at him.
"Moral of the story: be a lazy idiot and Seppuku-san—that's our mascot by the way; I decided just now—won't tell you to commit seppuku." Akatsuki nodded as if he believed his words. Or maybe because making this Seppuku-san the mascot of the Shinsengumi was a tempting idea.
Hijikata was all too eager to give him his vacation.
But Kondou had other plans. The moment Akatsuki left the room Hijikata was in, the commander walked right up to him, wearing a grin. And without a chance to argue or change out of his uniform, Akatsuki was dragged to the Shimura residence. Then he was given epaulets.
"Kondou-san, might I remind you that we are in Japan and not France?"
But Kondou was putting on his own set of armor that made him look almost like Sakamoto did during the war. "Listen up. You are now on an important mission, and that is to protect Otae-san's panties from the panty thief that's been running around lately. The suspect's name is the Fundoshi Mask. Perhaps you've heard of him."
"A panty thief?" Speaking of which, there were some undergarments that were missing from Sekishin's drawer when she returned from the trip in space. Well then.
"Ah, Otae-san!" Kondou waved the woman over. "Meet Akatsuki. He's my subordinate."
"Hi," he greeted cheerfully.
"Yes, it's nice to meet you," Otae said. She appeared more menacing than usual with the naginata in her hands. Or maybe it she the killing intent she exuded. "You'll help us, right?"
Akatsuki only nodded. How did Shinpachi survive with such a frightening sister? How was Kondou still alive after stalking her for so long?
"Good."
"Hey, Akatsuki," a familiar voice called out, "welcome to the battlefield! Let's dye white briefs with new blood!"
And even the Yorozuya were a part of this.
"I'm sorry about this, Akatsuki-san. Usually Ane-ue is less violent," Shinpachi apologized as he watched Kagura karate chop some shingles and his sister stab the air in anticipation.
Akatsuki laughed. "It looks fun. It looks like the dojo to fight panty thieves has been revived."
"No, that isn't what our dojo is for. There's no such dojo in the world," Shinpachi denied, staring at Akatsuki and realizing that he was not carrying a sword. "Um, don't all of the Shinsengumi carry swords?"
"Hm? Oh. Well, I don't."
"Akatsuki fights with a brush more than a sword. He's the paperwork guy," Kondou explained as he approached. "He's also the guy who scares the shit out of everyone, the guy who you shouldn't anger, the guy who writes our paychecks, and the guy you don't want to be near when all the repair bills come piling up."
"Is there anyone normal in the Shinsengumi?" Shinpachi had to wonder.
"Normal people don't get any screen time," Akatsuki replied. He was occupied with the contents of the bag the Kondou had retrieved from the Shinsengumi headquarters. "Kondou-san, weren't these confiscated from the Jouishishi a couple weeks ago?"
"Yeah. It's a waste to let them gather dust, so why not use them for Otae-san's sake?"
He missed the glint that flashed through Akatsuki's eyes. "Good idea. Hey, Megane-kun, you want to help us with these?"
"With what?" Shinpachi peered inside the bag. "Landmines!?"
"Explosions are a man's best friend."
"I think that this was the most fun I've ever had in all my years as the paperwork guy."
"If you really think that being blown up by a bunch of landmines is fun, then why don't you step on one?" Gintoki muttered as the anti-panty-thief squad sat inside the house, away from the landmines.
"Oh no. The fun part was watching you get blown up. Pass me the strawberries."
With a grumble of "sadist Shinsengumi," Gintoki lifted a bandaged arm and push the bowl of strawberries towards Akatsuki. The blonde graciously accepted them and dumped them and a packet of ice into…
Wait, was that…?
Yes, yes it was.
"Wait! Where did you get that blender!?" Shinpachi demanded, fighting to get his voice heard over the whirring of said blender.
"All Shinsengumi uniforms come with hammerspace. That's where Hiji-mayo gets all his mayo from and Captain Okita gets his bazooka." As if to prove his point, Akatsuki also managed to pull out a couple cups.
Sitting next to him, Kondou decided to keep quiet about the fact that the cups used to be behind his subordinate.
Gintoki decided against reminding Shinpachi of the time when Sekishin dropped by and dropped off a blender at the Shimura residence because she bought a new one.
"So, smoothies, anyone?" the fox-eyed man offered, already passing one to Gintoki.
Several people raised their hands, including the Fundoshi Mask who was handcuffed to one of the pillars outside. One leftover strawberry was thrown at him.
"First Gin-san makes a strawberry cake. Then you make a strawberry smoothie. What next? Kondou-san makes strawberry pancakes?" Shinpachi groaned.
"This gorilla can't cook. So if he and Otae marry, it's going to be hell in the kitchen."
"Oh my, Gintoki," Otae giggled, "just what are you insinuating?"
The following moments were so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. Kondou let out a shaky laugh, trying to lighten the atmosphere.
"What do you mean I can't cook? I can at least cook rice. Ask Akatsuki."
"Oh yes. He makes the blackest rice anyone's ever seen. It made Natural Perm over here sue him for attempted murder." Akatsuki recalled the day fondly. The day before and after that were irrelevant.
"Black rice," Shinpachi said in disbelief.
"Not even raw eggs will fix that," Kagura stated.
Dark matter and black rice. A match made in hell.
"Yes, well he tried using black rice to make rice balls. We quickly burned them all before he could give them to Mitsuba."
Gintoki raised an eyebrow. Kondou tried not to look down. The other three were wondering who this Mitsuba person was.
"We're still not sure if Captain would kill Kondou-san or not if Mitsuba really did eat it." Akatsuki happily chirped away about his commander's cooking failures.
Half an hour later, Kondou was forced to leave in order to send the Fundoshi Mask behind bars. Six cups and one pitcher were thrown in the sink while one blender was stored back in a cabinet. Akatsuki was getting out the spare futons and laying them on the floor. The Yorozuya trio was playing a game of Cheat.
It was a game that Gintoki was currently losing, much to his frustration.
"Hey, Fox Eyes. Lend a friend a hand over here." And by "lend a hand" he meant help him cheat. A second too late, he forgot just who he was asking to give him a hand.
A tanto flew across the room and embedded itself dangerously near Gintoki's hand.
"I didn't mean literally!" he yelled.
Kagura saw the gloved hand that was actually the hilt of the blade. Shinpachi saw empty space right below Akatsuki's right wrist.
Akatsuki grinned without an ounce of guilt or regret. "Sorry. Force of habit."
Judging by the length of the blade, it wasn't just the hand that was fake.
"How did you lose your arm?" Shinpachi couldn't help but ask.
Akatsuki seemed to blink. It was hard to tell, but there was a slight twitch of his eyelids. "Hmm. When you're a part of the Shinsengumi, things happen. You know, like that Aka-tsuki incident four years back."
Shinpachi remembered reading about the Aka-tsuki incident in the newspapers. There was a tsujigiri roaming the streets, cutting down officials of the Bakufu. The culprit was caught and executed more than a month later, but not without some losses among the Shinsengumi and a few civilians.
"Yes, yes, missing arms are interesting and all that, but let's finish this game first. I want to get rid of all these cards." Gintoki practically had half a deck in his hands.
"So since Seki-san also doesn't move her left arm, she also has a fake arm. One four." Shinpachi placed down one card.
"Yeah," Gintoki admitted grumpily as he put down two cards.
"Then why don't they get an arm that moves? Three sixes."
Gintoki jumped to his feet. "There's no way you have three sixes! I'm calling bullshit!"
Kagura gave him a grin as she flipped over the cards. One heart, one diamond, and one spade. All three had either the number six or an upside-down nine written in the corner. Gintoki would have hoped that they were nines, but his eyes betrayed him. All three had six shapes printed on them. Kagura gleefully revealed her empty hands, Gintoki threw his cards down, and Shinpachi sighed while cleaning up after them.
"So? Why don't he get an arm that moves?" Kagura repeated her question.
Akatsuki started answering before Gintoki could think of a good way to drop the subject.
"From what I hear, Seki lost her arm in the war. At that time, there was no feasible way of procuring a working prosthetic. So she decided not to get one. Even after the war, she's used to having only one arm, so she still refuses. And her stubbornness rubbed off on me," he explained.
Gintoki knew that not even one word he said was the truth. "All right, enough of that. You can go back now."
"Eh? You're not staying for the night?" Shinpachi asked.
"No. I have to be somewhere else. Besides, I think I've worn this uniform enough for one day." Akatsuki yanked his hand away from the table and reattached it. "And maybe I'll drop by headquarters and make sure the repair bills for this house are paid with Kondou-san's paycheck."
"Good riddance." Gintoki shooed the man away.
A/N: Yes, if Okita had to choose between his sister and Kondou, I'm not sure who he would choose. And it's the great reveal that wasn't too much of a reveal. At least, I don't think so. There was loads of foreshadowing and it's impossible to not notice an arm that doesn't move. And now to point out one difference between Seki and Akatsuki: Seki's vague as possible while Akatsuki likes to lie.
Note: Aka-tsuki is written with the kanji for red moon while Akatsuki is written for the kanji for dawn. And even though Hijikata's given name is written as Toushirou, Kondou calls him Toshi. There's no u. I checked the raws.
Japanese lesson over, I'd like to talk about Seki for a moment. Her back story is finalized. Has been finalized. And then weeks later I realize how much of it overlaps with some other characters in Gintama. Oops.
And yes, I did change the title and the summary. Sorry if it confused you.