Not-Lesson 6: Look to the south for ghosts

(Alternate Title: The first not-lesson without the word "spice")

After a trip to the beach and not actually suppressing an Amanto sea monster, Sekishin found herself redefining a vacation. It was all her brother's fault. There were few things that weren't Gintoki's fault, though, so that wasn't anything surprising.

Vacation meant getting time off work and other responsibilities. Vacation meant spending more time with family. Sekishin's only family was Gintoki, so of course, she hung out with him and annoyed him. Vacation could also mean traveling to, say, a beach. Of course, if someone was headed to said beach for the sole purpose of getting rid of an Amanto sea monster for the sake of getting money, it wasn't so much a vacation as it was a job.

But a trip to the beach was a trip to the beach nonetheless, and she got a good laugh seeing the beach samurai t-shirts, so it wasn't all bad. Ignoring the fact that she refused to wear a swimsuit because it revealed her fake arm. Still wasn't too bad. Seeing Gintoki panic was amusing. She also got to meet Hasegawa, which was joyful and disappointing at the same time.

She really wanted to pretend to be a cross-dressing Gintoki like usual, but Gintoki had warned the Madao beforehand.

On the other hand, she met Hasegawa. It was nice to meet new people.

"Seki, enough about the beach and Hasegawa."

"Who are you to interrupt my inner monologue? Let me reminisce about the only vacation-like thing that's happened so far in this messed-up vacation of mine in peace."

And that brought her back to her redefinition of a vacation. Vacations were supposed to be peaceful, unless you were with Gintoki. They were supposed to be relaxing, unless you were with Gintoki. And most importantly, you weren't supposed to work while on vacation.

Unless you were with Gintoki.

After serving coffee to the trio of men crowding around a pile of robot parts, she sat on the grassy area of the riverbank. The trio consisted of Gintoki, Shinpachi, and an old inventor named Gengai, who had previously and unwittingly prevented the residents of Kabukicho from sleeping.

Gintoki came (not quite to the rescue), Gintoki saw (a solution that wasn't a solution), Gintoki conquered (absolutely nothing).

And then Gintoki was forced to clean up the mess he made, the mess being the pile of robot parts. The pile of robot parts from the robots the Yorozuya dismantled. The pile of robot parts from the robots that were to be presented to the shogun during the festival taking place tomorrow.

Sekishin watched as Gintoki spat out black coffee and dug through her sleeves for some sugar.

Long story short, The Yorozuya—and her by association—were forced by Otose to help the inventor not get killed by the Bakufu and fixing his robots.

Meanwhile, Kagura was playing house with a robot named Saburou. She played the role of the violent wife and it, the tight-lipped husband that only said one word.

"Affirmative."

And then there was domestic violence.

Unfortunately, Sekishin's search for sugar turned up nothing, meaning that the last packet of sugar had been used on the last cup of coffee hours ago. She conveyed it to her brother with an empty, outstretched hand, and he looked down to growl at the black coffee that was too bitter for his sweet-loving taste buds.

Ding-dong.

The doorbell rang and echoed in the office.

Ding-dong.

No answer.

Katsura pulled back his finger and tried opening the door. It was locked, predictably. And there didn't seem to be a giant dog inside, waiting to clamp its jaws on Katsura's head...again. Little did he know, Sadaharu was inside, asleep, and would only wake up when Kagura opened the door and gave him food.

"Hmm. I was hoping to warn Gintoki about Takasugi."

"He'll be fine," Elizabeth said via signboard.

"True, but he'll appreciate a warning. I also heard he met up with Sakamoto." He descended the stairs.

Tomorrow was the day of the festival and quite possibly the day of the Shogun's death, if Takasugi got his way.

Then again, the only times when Takasugi got his way was when he and Gintoki actually agreed on something. Those were the times Katsura pitied whoever incurred the wrath of both men (it was usually something along those lines when it came to his two friends).

Except if it was Sakamoto.

The sun hung high in the air, and the time neared noon. The festival was underway, and laughter could be heard, stalls could be seen, and tempting scents could be smelled.

With a cry of, "Cotton candy!" Gintoki rushed to a stall, only to be hit in the head with a wrench thrown by Gengai.

"Where are you going? Stop playing around and get back to work!" the inventor ordered.

"But I haven't had sugar in so long."

"Less than twenty-four hours."

"And I haven't even slept in a month!"

"Two days."

Gintoki remained lying facedown on the gravel. Slowly, he turned his head and spit out some of the dust in his mouth.

"Do you have anything sweet?"

"Would anpan count?"

"On second thought, never mind."

An outburst from Kagura caused them to listen once more to the family drama of a pretend family. The two wondered how the girl's mind to think up a pretend family with a cheating husband. Most girls would like a perfect, loyal husband. Kagura, however, seemed determined to play out a scene out of a drama.

Grumbling incoherently, Gintoki sat up. "Now, back to work."

"That's rare. You're actually eager to work," Sekishin remarked.

"The earlier we finish, the earlier I get sugar," he grunted.

It was so easy to bribe Gintoki with sweets.

The Shinsengumi were patrolling the festival grounds half-heartedly. Though they were supposed to guard the Shogun, the Shogun wouldn't leave the confines of his castle until night. Even though their vice commander had been on their case on the of chance that a Jouishishi might attack someone or something besides the Shogun, Yamazaki was of somewhere playing badminton with a poi, Okita was playing festival games, and their own commander was admiring a certain woman's kimono. So the Shinsengumi felt no need to act serious and decided to enjoy the festival.

Then a pair of two men named Takeda Kannensai and Takezawa Michio saw a tent. Nothing was visible from the outside except for the sign that read, "Enter if you dare." Curiosity getting the best of them, they entered.

They should have known better. After what happened during the last festival, they really should have known better.

They would later deny that they screamed.

Standing in front of the tent in question, Hijikata snubbed out his cigarette.

And then lit another one.

How terrifying. To think he could only last a second before the nicotine withdrawal made his body tremble uncontrollably.

A hand landed on his shoulder.

"Huh? Toshi?" Kondou glanced behind a nearby stall, where Hijikata had run to. One hand was still awkwardly raised as if paying a shoulder while another was carrying a bucket of water.

"What, it's just Kondou-san." Hijikata barely suppressed a sigh of relief.

Kondou blinked. And then he laughed. "Did I scare you?" he asked.

"Me? No. I just thought I saw a rabbit that would lead me to Mayoland." He wasn't scared. He didn't think a ghost had snuck up behind him just a few moments ago. Nope.

"Boo."

Kondou watched as his right hand man hid behind another stall. Standing in front of where he used to be was a woman.

She wore a white, bloody kimono with holes and tears that exposed a skeletal left arm. Makeup was applied to create a pale, ghastly face. Long black bangs covered red eyes that seemed to glow.

Kondou promptly splashed her with water.

"Minami, I'm going to kill you!" Hijikata yelled once he regained his wits while Minami cleaned her face with the white part of her sleeve.

"Yes, yes, you said that last time. Good afternoon." Using both hands, she—to the two's horror—started taking of her kimono. Luckily, she had a black T-shirt and and a blue skirt underneath. Using both hands, she folded up the kimono.

Hijikata sighed. The skeletal arms could move, yet the semi-normal hands were doll hands-they only moved if something made them move. He didn't get it.

"Does Yorozuya know you're doing this again?" asked Kondou.

"No. Gintoki is working," she replied monotonously.

Hijikata groaned. Next time there was a festival, he needed to put aside his pride and give the Yorozuya a job: Don't let Sekishin or Akatsuki out of their sights.

Or else Minami was going to show up.

Minami was the opposite of Sekishin and Akatsuki. She didn't crossdress, actually used a prosthetic arm, and rarely showed emotion. He spoke to Sekishin once, and she said the reason for Minami's indifference was because she couldn't figure out how to smile evilly.

Scary people didn't smile happily, and since Minami's purpose was to scare people, Minami was stuck with indifference.

It turned out to be scarier than expected, not that Hijikata was ever telling her that.

"Now if you don't mind, I'm going to get a new costume." Minami made a move to return to the tent below Kondou's words stopped her.

"Sougo's on standby with a water balloon bazooka." He pointed to the stall that was three stalls to the left of the stall in front of them.

It was a stall selling candy apples. The owner was handing out candy apples while trying to ignore the boy next to him. That boy was Okita, holding anything that could be anything from the acclaimed water balloon bazooka to his favorite bazooka. The weapon was aimed either at Minami or Hijikata, who had finally left the cover of the stalls.

It was Hijikata.

Water dripped from his hair and added to the small puddle at his feet. The cigarette in his mouth was soggy. Bits of pink rubber speckled his hair and clothes. And there was glitter, too.

Minami quickly retreated to the interior of her tent just as Hijikata started his outrage. She placed her hand over her mouth, covering a smile that was starting to peek through the crack in her mask. Priceless. His face was priceless, and it took all of her self-control to not laugh.

There was a reason why Minami only appeared during festivals.

She wanted to laugh. She really did, but Minami had a reputation.

Calm down. Just make a straight face and everything will be—

There was another splash. Hand still over her mouth, she poked her head out and saw another puddle. And another. And a couple more. And—

Splash.

A new puddle at her feet.

The mini water balloon war was causing a number of civilian casualties. Those civilians snatched packets of water balloons from a stall and left to fill them up, including some of the Shinsengumi who had come to see what the commotion was about.

Mini water balloon war turned into full blown water war, with water balloons and water guns and even poi.

Yamazaki, why are you pretending you're playing badminton with a poi in the middle of a water battlefield?

It was hard not to laugh. Retreating back inside, Minami became Sekishin, and Sekishin threw the black wig and bloody, wet kimono in a plastic bag. The sign outside was put inside. The tent, however, stayed intact.

Going back outside, Sekishin caught sight of Kondou, who was lying on the ground with the remains of at least three different-colored water balloons on him. She grabbed a nearby yellow balloon and hurled it at Hijikata, but it hit Yamazaki instead.

"We should do this again next summer," she suggested as she quickly used Kondou as a human shield. A water balloon from the man who owned a yakisoba stall collided with his shoulder.

Kondou agreed.

"But, next time, not when you're in uniform."

Yes, next time, he would be wearing a raincoat, rain boots, and an umbrella. Wearing something formal like his Shinsengumi uniform to something like this was a bad idea. Why did he wear it today in the first place?

Pause. Rewind.

Because he had to protect the Shogun.

Play.

Kondou looked at the Shinsengumi participating in the water war. Hues of orange replaced hues of blue. Nighttime was quickly approaching, yet they were still playing. How was he going to calm them down when Hijikata, who would fire a bazooka, was involved?

"Well, since it is a festival…" Sekishin picked up a mask that had dropped when the previous wearer had been hit in the head. A fox mask. "It's not the Obon festival, but I think we can both agree that even a ghost needs to have some fun during a festival."

Kondou understood immediately. "And what are you going to do about the ones who don't know about the signal?"

"That's what Hijikata-san is for." Her left hand—she'd forgotten to replace it—held the fox mask in place. Her right was hidden behind the mask, and two fingers were in her mouth.

A whistle sounded above the raucous of the water war, followed by a shriller one. It wasn't too loud, so most didn't think too much about it. Whistles were offered as prizes at various booths. It was just someone playing with their new, shiny whistle.

But Hijikata stopped, Okita stopped, Yamazaki stopped, and a portion of the Shinsengumi stopped to turn to the source. The fox mask was moved to the side, revealing a woman with silver hair, red eyes, and a small, familiar smile on her face.

It had been a small argument that eventually erupted into a fight with items being thrown around. Volumes of Jump that would soon be confiscated were heft at Takeda, who in turn threw a bag of jerky, which Fukuda graciously accepted.

Hijikata caught sight of a porn magazine of all things—he made a note to make whoever brought it in commit seppuku—and was about to yell at them, when another magazine flew past him and hit the woman sitting beside him. It was a sports magazine, not that it mattered.

What mattered was that the woman patience was cut short, and two whistles, the last one shriller than the first, resounded in the room. She slowly, dramatically removed the magazine from her face and smiled without a hint of mirth.

"Quit it," she stated.

"Deja vu," someone muttered.

But there were still differences. Instead of a 'my patience is snapping; I don't get paid to babysit' smile, it was more of a resigned 'what am I going to do with you people' smile.

The woman smiled once more—a 'be good' one—before walking away with her back to them.

And just like that, the war just lost a good number of participants. Hijikata shouted to the remaining few who were ignorant of the whistle.

"Get back to work!"

Kondou smiled nostalgically. He remembered that that day, they were arguing over whether he was a stalker or not.

All of a sudden, he didn't feel like smiling anymore.

She found Gintoki at a bar, sitting next to Gengai. She opened her mouth to greet them, but stopped once she was close enough to hear their conversation.

"...nothing that can replace those who have died. Don't you ever think about attacking the Bakufu or the Amanto for their sakes?" Gengai asked.

"Old man, you…"

"Ah, I can't take it any longer. Early-evening sake hits me hard." Gengai stepped off the chair and walked away. "I'm heading back to finish the last adjustments. Hey, Saburou! Let's go!"

Gintoki watched as the old inventor and his creation disappeared into the crowd.

"That's a scary face you're making," she commented.

"Oh, Seki, where have you be—" He paused as he caught sight of her arm. "Minami again?" he groaned. No, wrong again. Minami didn't have silver hair. A fox mask was on the side of her head, and then he knew. "Yamanami."

"Correct." Yamanami sat in the seat Gengai once occupied while Gintoki drank the rest of his cup.

"Aren't the dead supposed to stay dead?"

"Ghosts are allowed to return to the world of the living."

"This isn't Obon."

Yamanami was silent at first. "Am I bothering you?"

Gintoki's cup was refilled and he emptied it in a matter of seconds. "I just want to drink. Go away."

"Is that so?" She rested her chin on the palm of her right hand.

Gintoki watched alcohol fill up his cup once more, unaware of the darkening expression of his companion. Yamanami pointed at the cup with her left index finger. A dark liquid was squirted out of it and landed in the cup.

"Oi! What did you just do?!"

"I added soy sauce," she replied simply.

Gintoki promptly rose from his seat in a fit of anger. "Why would you add soy sauce into alcohol? In the first place, why can that hand squirt soy sauce?"

"I don't know."

"Don't tell me you don't know, woman! It's revenge, isn't it? The Shinsengumi all told me you were a polite person, but you're surprisingly vindictive, aren't you?!"

"I don't remember. Am I?"

"Don't you dare play the amnesia card! You can't forget something that just happened! Hey, don't look away from me! Hey! Yamanami! Hey!"

Eventually, Gintoki decided it was best to drag her away by the collar, making the woman yelp.

"Gin?!"

"Incoming!" he yelled.

'What are you—" someone started to ask before Gintoki pulled her forward and let go of her collar.

And she fell in a shallow pool of water, with goldfish swimming away from her. She looked up to see Gintoki looking down at her with a smug expression while he dusted off his hands.

"Sorry. I forgot how vindictive I am."

What was with today and getting wet? She had to wonder. When she got up, she immediately flicked water droplets into Gintoki's eyes. "Just be glad I didn't throw you in the water."

The two walked together, exchanging a few words as they passed the stalls.

"Oh, it's Gin-san and Seki." Gintoki looked up to see Otae in front of him.

To Gintoki's surprise, Yamanami greeted her back in Sekishin's cheerful voice. "Good evening, Otae-san. Having fun?"

The three exchanged stories, though all Gintoki had to say was that the sake was decent and the food was good. Otae talked about a certain stalker that had been following her until late in the afternoon. Yamanami mentioned seeing said stalker getting pelted by at least four water balloons. After exchanging some more stories, the twins parted with Otae

"So was that Seki or Yamanami pretending to be Seki?" Gintoki questioned once Otae was out of earshot.

"Don't ask," replied Yamanami after a full minute of silence.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually missing Seki right now," Gintoki grumbled.

"Good. Maybe now, you'll appreciate her more."

"What? Are you saying I don't?"

"I'm just saying that next time, maybe you should actually let her enjoy her vacation."

"Don't tell me you're avenging her vacation."

"I won't."

"You really are vindictive, aren't you?" Gintoki sighed as he ran a hand through his hair.

Moments later, fireworks blossomed in the sky. Moments after that, an explosion originated from the plaza. Sometime in between, while Sekishin was off buying a nice and dry yukata to change into, Gintok was stuck facing down an old friend of his. And after everything was said and done, Hijikata was looking at the Yorozuya with a mixture of resignation, anger, and annoyance.

"You mean to tell me you helped Gengai build his robots and none of you had a clue of what they were going to be used for?!" he nearly growled.

"No," all three replied.

"And to make things worse, you let Gengai, a wanted criminal now, escape to who knows where! Give me one reason why I shouldn't arrest you!"

Gintoki immediately took out a pouch of coins. "How much do you want to keep quiet?"

"We aren't taking bribes! What kind of cops do you think we are?!"

"Corrupted ones," Gintoki answered. "Is five yen enough?"

"I'm going to kill you!"

A/N: Yeah, so a lot of things happened in the chapter that I didn't expect. The water fight, for one. Then the introduction of Minami and Yamanami. Minami was created a week ago. Yamanami has been in my mind since Seki. And Yamanami was supposed to appear later! Characters (actually heroes) are supposed to appear late, not early! I swear to God!

And now name trivia! Yamanami is written as 山南. 山 is mountain and 南 is south. Minami is written as just 南(south) (Hey look, the chapter's title is actually relevant!). Yeah, it's a very creative name (not really). Then again, Akatsuki wasn't very creative when you think about it's origins. And when I say creative, I mean Seki's creativity, not mine.

Ah, character interactions. I love you, I really do, but I really need to have some ineraction btween Seki and the other members of the Yorozuya. Poor Kagura probably has less than ten lines right now. The fact that next chapter's probably going to be Shinsengumi-centric isn't helping.

To Guest: Thank you! And to answer your question, Shinpachi's drawing parallels to the fact that both Seki and Akatsuki don't use their left arms at all. Since Akatsuki has a fake arm, Seki does, too since their really similar. He's not really asking Akatsuki about it. He's putting two and two together and thinking out loud.

Even-numbered chapters are becoming omake chapters, so here's an omake that's completely non-canon. And look! Just in time for Katsura's birthday!

What If The Door To Yorozuya Didn't Have A Lock

Ding-dong.

The doorbell rang and echoed in the office.

Ding-dong.

No answer.

Katsura pulled back his finger and tried opening the door. It was locked, predictably. But Katsura was not deterred. No, he laughed instead. It was a victorious laugh, as if he just won a tournament.

"How naive! You're naive, Gintoki! Did you think this would stop me?!"

"Are you going to pick the lock?"

"No, no." And then another victorious laugh burst from his lungs. "It was smart. I don't know how you did it, but it was smart. To think you fooled me into thinking the door was locked. However!" And here he paused for dramatic effects. "You weren't smart enough to fool me! Even I know that a door needs a lock in order to be locked!"

Elizabeth looked at the door, and sure enough, there was no lock.

Katsura gripped the door with newfound strength and pried it open. Once it opened a crack, Elizabeth helped widen it. With a satisfying slam, the door had been wrenched from whatever held it in place. Sitting in the doorway was something white, like Elizabeth, only furrier. And larger.

With dread, Katsura recognized it as the oversized pet of the Yorozuya, just in time for a set of jaws to clamp on his head.

For the rest of the week, Katsura stayed in the hospital and missed the festival.