Not-Lesson 7: Look south for fake ghosts

It was a horrible idea. Not as horrible as the ideas that created Beniyasha and Akatsuki—God knew how mad Gintoki was at her when he found out about both—but it still ranked high. Maybe seventh.

"No."

"Yes."

"Absolutely not."

"You are acting like an overprotective brother."

"No I'm not." A pause. "It's a ghost, Seki. You're breaking your curfew and there's a ghost running around."

"Yep. It'll be fine. I'm not like you."

Before Gintoki could argue, a scream ripped through the air.

"Well, there goes another victim. See you tomorrow. Bye." Sekishin hung up the phone less than a second later, but Gintoki kept the phone next to his ear, listening to the droning dial tone.

A minute passes, and he ran a hand through his hair, groaning, and hung the phone back on the receiver.

"Seki's staying the night at work," he told Shinpachi and Kagura while he plopped down at the dinner table

Akatsuki watched as two men, Haneda and Mori, carried another unconscious figure into a room that was deemed the sick bay. He recognized the unconscious man as Inayama. They laid Inayama down on the futon, and Akatsuki looked him over.

He had the same symptoms as the three men who were lying in the same room.

"That's four people in one hour," Takeda complained as he sat down beside Akatsuki. "They all say they saw a ghost with a red kimono."

"So Inayama got taken out by the ghost in his story?"

"Looks like it." The two burst into a fit of laughter.

It was cut short when Haneda and a jittery Rokuro carried in Mori.

"This is going to be a long night. You don't suppose table salt would work, would you?" Takeda asked, already planning a trip to the kitchens to grab a midnight—technically eleven o'clock—snack.

"I don't know. Go ask Captain Sugihara."

Sugihara was the captain of the fourth division, which was in charge of all things occult. It was the second-smallest division, having only four members: Sugihara Chuji, Shirino Nori, Kamiya Sousuke, and Tsuchimikado Harutaka.

Unfortunately, Shirino was with his family, Kamiya was visiting a hot spring, and Tsuchimikado was on vacation in Kyoto. Only Sugihara was left, but he caught a summer cold.

"You just reminded me how hopeless this situation is with the lack of able-bodied onmyouji. Oh man, Akatsuki! Why'd you let Hijikata sign those papers that let them go on vacation? To make matters worse, the Shirino Clan is off somewhere in Hokkaido. We can't even talk to the Ketsuno Clan after what happened last year. There's literally no one who can help us! God have mercy on us!"

While watching the man beg to the heavens was interesting, it would do no one any good to see him panic. Akatsuki stepped outside, nodding at the pair carrying in the new victim, and found the person he was looking for near the entrance.

"Takezawa, your captain's gone hysterical again!" he shouted.

Takezawa spun around. "What did you do this time?" he asked tiredly.

Akatsuki shrugged. "I told him to go ask Captain Sugihara something, and next thing I know, he's freaking out about the lack of onmyouji."

Takezawa patted his captain's back. "Kan, onmyouji deal with things like demons. I'm sure they wouldn't be much of help against a ghost." It was best not to remind him that Kamiya was a shaman and Sugihara was… Well, they didn't know what Sugihara was.

"In other words, we're doomed and no one can help as we Shinsengumi fall one by one. We've been cursed. Cursed by the Jouishishi and the ghost of Yamanami. Cursed because Hijikata's too much of a jerk to apologize and creates vengeful ghosts. Cursed by ghosts with food grudges 'cause everyone considers putting mayonnaise on food as murdering food. Our vice commander murders food on a daily basis, and now we have to pay for it. Kill Hijikata and we'll—"

Takezawa hit him over the head with the scabbard of his sword and knocked him out. "Kill Hijikata and I'll kill you," he muttered darkly.

Without batting an eyelid, Haneda dragged the fallen Takeda over to a futon and draped a white cloth over his face. Then he clapped his hands in prayer.

"Should I light some incense?" he asked moments later.

Takezawa, as the voice of reason for the entire fifth division, shook his head. "Someone's going to walk in here and think our captain's dead."

"Guys, the ghost got Sugi—" Rokuro screamed. "The ghost killed Takeda!" The young officer, who was carrying an ill man on his back, promptly fainted.

"Note to self: enlisting the help of someone not in the fifth division is a bad idea," Haneda muttered to himself. Suppressing a groan and glaring at the laughing Akatsuki, Takezawa helped him drag the two bodies away.

That was nine men out of commission, two of them captains. Nine out of thirty-five.

The future seemed bleak.

Seven hours of little or no sleep, ten victims, and one sunrise later, it seemed all was quiet. A small group was huddled in the kitchen, cups of freshly-brewed coffee in their hands. Another group was in a room, drinking their fears away. Kondou had ordered Yamazaki to find help minutes ago and was currently looking for the secretary.

It figured he'd find him arguing with Hijikata in the dojo.

"You're being ridiculous," Hijikata said simply as he smoked a cigarette.

"Yeah, yeah. When am I not? But so are you," Akatsuki countered. "You and your ridiculous mayonnaise obsession. Ever since the idea got in his head, poor Kansai—"

"Kansai," Hijikata repeated, trying to figure out why Akatsuki was talking about the Kansai region.

Akatsuki huffed and was probably rolling his eyes. "—Captain Takeda Kannensai has been spreading a rumor that the ghost of all the food you killed—"

"What do you mean I killed food?!"

"—with mayonnaise," he elaborated, "is now exacting its revenge on you and dragging all of us down with you. Kansai's idea. Not mine."

Briefly, Kondou imagined Takeda speaking with a Kansai dialect. "Mayonnaise doesn't kill food. You can't kill food in the first place."

"Tell that to the ghost."

"There. Is. No. Ghost! Go tell Takeda to commit seppuku!"

"The ghost got to him three hours ago." Akatsuki chuckled at the dark expression on Hijikata's face and dug inside the bag next to him.

"Here's some paperwork." He shoved a packet of at least ten papers in the vice commander's face. "There's a petition against the hatto, a petition to add exceptions to the hatto, a new budget plan, a request for Fukuda of the eighth division to take some time off, a letter of complaint, another letter of complaint, a love letter, a piece of paper a fangirl wants you to sign," Akatsuki stopped to yawn, which irked Hijikata because he wasn't stopping to breathe, "a bill from the tailors, the electric bill, a report from Captain Nagakura about the Tenseikyou, a letter for you from Mitsu—"

"Are you enjoying this, fox eyes?"

"No, of course not. Why would I enjoy finding your paperwork mixed in mine? It makes the stack look bigger. More daunting. Endless. Paperwork." Akatsuki shuddered, a complete act.

Hijikata wasn't fooled, not that Akatsuki was trying. "Don't lie. You came back to the Shinsengumi for the sole purpose of filling out paperwork. You actually like it."

"You know what I like? Mayo-free food and ghost-free workplaces."

"Drop it already!"

As softly as he could, Kondou left the dojo and closed the door. There was no need to bother Akatsuki right now to brew some tea.

He just had to find another way to calm down.

Around ten, Yamazaki had returned from his trip around town and brought three exorcists with him. They were an eccentric-looking bunch, but most of the Shinsengumi didn't have the right to judge someone by their fashion sense. If the Shinsengumi didn't have uniforms, a lot of men would have looked just as strange.

But they did have a right to judge when the exorcists were revealed to be the Yorozuya, who were becoming more and more of an everyday sight. Court was held, evidence was presented, and no defense attorney would have been able to prevent the guilty verdict.

And as punishment, the trio were tied up and were set to hang from a tree branch like bagworms. Okita was sitting on a boulder while the Yorozuya confessed. Even Shinpachi, the only seemingly sane man, admitted his participation in the crazy scheme.

"Well, like we said before, we need money. And it's not like Gin-san pays us much."

"Nothing I can do about that," said Okita.

"I'm surprised he's not homeless yet," muttered Hijikata.

"I'm more surprised he managed to keep a roof over his head before Seki helped him," Akatsuki quipped. "Otose-san must be a saint to have put up with you for so long."

"I paid rent," Gintoki grumbled indignantly. Six pairs of eyes stared at him in disbelief. Gintoki visibly bristled at this. "You guys! Who do you take me for?"

"A Madao."

"A criminal."

"A luckless gambler."

"A poor drunkard."

"A freeloader."

"An idiot."

"When I get freed, I'm going to punch you all," said Gintoki.

When he got freed, he was too sick to even think about punching anyone.

Whenever Kodou was forced to retire to his bed because of an injury, his room always seemed to turn into the new meeting room. Listening to the commander groan about the woman in the red kimono were the Yorozuya and all of the Shinsengumi that hadn't been attacked by the ghosts, except for the captain of the second division.

Counting the Yorozuya and Kondou, that made twelve people in the room.

Hijikata lit a cigarette as he assessed the few that were left. There was him, Okita, Akatsuki, a newcomer in the first division named Rokuro, Fujikawa of the eighth division, Takezawa of the fifth division, Komada of the ninth division, and Kataoka of the sixth division.

Komada raised his hand. "Um, Vice-Commander?"

"What?"

"Well, I was just wondering—and I know this is completely off topic, but I really would like to know—is Akatsuki really a former Jouishishi?"

For a moment, all was silent except for the murmurs of Kondou. Komada was wondering if it was Hijikata's first time hearing about this. Rokuro's eyes widened because it was his first time hearing about this. Takezawa shook his head like he always did when Takeda was hysterical. Akatsuki slowly inched towards the door. And then something audibly snapped.

"You told them!?" Hijikata demanded. Before anyone could blink, he was already on his feet and his face looked like the demon he was always said to be.

Akatsuki, having years of experience with the face, smiled placidly. "It kind of slipped out, you know? It's like someone says, 'I used to be a thug.' So naturally all the other guys blurt things out like, 'I'm a former yakuza.' 'Well, I used to be a thief.' 'Oh, how interesting. I'm a former Jouishishi.' It kind of went like that."

The four not-veterans were about to argue that no, it did not go like that, but Takezawa advised them to keep quiet.

If looks could kill, Akatsuki would have never existed, and Sekishin would have died nine years ago when she touched the stove.

But looks could not kill, either fortunately or unfortunately. Not wanting to start a fight with Kondou sleeping near them, Hijikata, grumbling, plopped his butt back on the tatami floor.

"I'm going to kill you after we deal with this ghost." He nearly spat out the last word, as if he was mad at himself for finally acknowledging its existence.

"Uh-huh. And guess who's going to haunt the Shinsengumi next."

Gintoki cut into the conversation with a cake—Where did he get a cake? Don't tell me he baked one again!—and sat down in the space between Akatsuki and Shinpachi. "We'll just have to find a Zanpakutou and perform Konsou on him."

"That's surprising. You don't want him to haunt the Shinsengumi?" Hijikata asked as he covered a slice of cake—Gintoki looked to see that someone had cut out a slice from his cake—in mayonnaise.

"Hiji-nii just murdered the cake."

Ignoring the following "shut up" and the act of throwing an emptied mayonnaise bottle at his disguised sister, Gintoki replied, "I'm all for him haunting you guys, but if we let him become a ghost, he's going to haunt me, too."

Akatsuki smiled at him with a 'who, me?' smile that wasn't as innocent as the blonde wanted it to look. Gintoki shot back with a 'no, not you, Seki...who is still you!' glare.

In the end Gintoki put his hand on Akatsuki's head. "Anyway, if you want to kill fox eyes, you want a zanpakutou as soon as possible. Or call a shinigami."

"What are you talking about, Danna? Aren't you a shinigami?" Okita asked, licking cream from his fingers.

"What."

"You said you could see spirits since you were young. So that means you saw a shinigami sometime around high school and became one yourself."

"No no no, it doesn't work that way. You need orange hair, first of all. I don't think anyone has orange hair nowadays...Wait." There was someone with orange hair. He remembered seeing an afro of orange hair some time ago.

But that was besides the point.

"Why are you stealing my cake!?"

The thieves didn't even have look apologetic.

It was Fujiwara who spoke up first. "You know, for someone who's a thorn in our side, you bake a mean cake. Why not quit the Yorozuya business and open up a bakery?"

"Do I tell you tax robbers to quit your jobs and start running a daycare? No! So don't tell me to quit my job and find a new one."

"No one will hire him anyway."

"Shut up and give me back my cake."

There was only a small slice left. Better than nothing, he supposed, but worse than a whole cake.

"I still can't believe they're related," he heard Takezawa mutter. No doubt he was recalling all the mishaps with Sekishin in the kitchen. And wait just a moment!

"Aren't you supposed to be the voice of reason here? What are you doing with that cake in your hand?"

"Voice of reason says that when there's something delicious in front of your eyes, you eat it," Takezawa said with a perfectly straight face.

"You thieving cop!"

While Gintoki continued to rant and yell and mourn his cake, others wiped their hands clean of the issue.

"So, while we wait for something to happen or someone to have a plan, why don't we play a game?" Kataoka suggested, pulling out a deck of cards from his pocket.

After a terrifying night of being chased by the so-called ghost, most of the Shinsengumi were fully awake and staring at the new humanoid bagworm hanging upside-down from a tree outside.

"So the ghost was actually a mosquito Amanto?"

One man facepalmed. "The great Shinsengumi, reduced to screaming kids in the face of a mosquito."

"Just wait til the Jouishishi hear about this."

"We might want to light mosquito coils for a while."

"Does this mean this has nothing to do with Vice-Commander's habit of murdering food?"

"Shut up!" Hijikata yelled as he sat on the engawa. "Go commit seppuku!"

"Yeah." Sekishin nodded to herself. "You should never open a bakery," she commented as she stood near the cash register, listening to the beeping of the barcode scanner.

"Would you like me to heat it up?" Kagura offered as she already moved to put a bag full of beverages in the microwave.

"As much as I'd like to see my superior mad, it'll make the drinks poisonous, so no. And..." She tilted to the side to get a better look at the microwave. "Is it just me, or does it look like something exploded in there?"

"It's the danger of working in a convenience store," Gintoki explained, adding a bottle of Pocari to the second bag.

"Seki-san, you aren't going to drink all of this, are you?" Shinpachi asked.

"No, no. See, we play rock paper scissors at work to decide who buys the drinks. And my unbeaten streak was broken after two years. So here I am."

"You could have just gone to a vending machine," Gintoki grunted. "My hand's going to fall off at this rate."

"Gin, a vending machine doesn't bag the drinks for me. I only have one arm. You think I can carry all these bottles and cans by myself?"

"Then bring a bag! Why are you being so lazy?"

"Because you're working!"

Meanwhile, Shinpachi sighed.

"Hmm? What's wrong, Megane-kun? You don't sound like your usual self," Sekishin noted as she took out a small clutch purse and placed it on the counter.

"Hey, Seki-san, what do you know about the Bulldog gang?"

"Bulldog? I don't know. I'm more of a cat person myself."

She stood still, waiting for a retort that never came. Then she sighed. "It's depressing when the straight man is down in the dumps. What happened with the Bulldog gang?"

One explanation later, Sekishin was still at the counter, fishing coins and bills out of her purse.

"...so I'm worried about Takachin and—Are you even listening to me?!"

"Don't worry. I can multitask just fine. Deppa-san sounds like a good friend."

"You aren't listening at all!"

"Uh-huh. I mean, who steals hair products. His priorities are backwards. He should be stealing something like diamond rings to propose to his girlfriend or something. Not hair products to use on a guy who wears a wig."

Sekishin pushed a collection of bills and coins towards Gintoki and collected the two bags.

"Oh before I leave, can I say something?"

Gintoki made a noise that she interpreted as "Go ahead."

"If you're going to help Soppa-kun—"

"His name isn't Soppa either."

"—don't let him join the Yorozuya. Working for someone who can't even write paychecks 99 percent of the time is only going to make him worse."

"It's not like working for a guy like your boss is any better!" Gintoki shouted as she left.

"...So really, where does she work?" Shinpachi asked after a minute.

Knowing that telling Shinpachi without her permission would end miserably for him, Gintoki was secretly relieved when Otae came in. Even though he would soon face the horror of dark matter.

A/N: I give up on transitioning. You can tell where I gave up. That's where a lot of line breaks are. And then I went overboard with the OCs. It's hard writing about the Shinsengumi when there's only a few we know about.

I think I'm going to write a fic that details all the OCs in the Shinsengumi. I'm going to do it. I'm going to write about Shinsengumi OCs. Stop me now if you think it's a bad idea.

Also, there's a Shirino in the Shinsengumi. I think I should put a Ketsuno in the Mimawarigumi to balance things out. Also, don't you think Saitou could totally be a shinigami? The reason he sleeps so much is because it's his gikon and all that.

...yeah, it's too weird.

Besides, if Saitou were a shinigami, he'd be in the fourth division.

Soppa and Deppa both mean buckteeth.

Chapter 6 was edited a little bit like changing Takeda's first name and replacing some lines with others and adding a line. All the line edits are right after the really small flashback with Yamanami so feel free to check back if you want.

So the only names that are of any importance in the land of Shinsengumi OCs (shortened to OCgumi) are Kamiya Sousuke—whose name is a reference to something and did not come randomly—ok, maybe the Sousuke part did—but I can't remember—and Tsuchimikado Harutaka, whose name is based off of the protag in Tokyo Ravens. Or the guy from To Aru.

And now I'm rambling. Good-bye.