Not-Lesson 9 Bloopers
When some captains never figured out that Akatsuki was actually Sekishin
"Yeah. The fact that Akatsuki's been alive for four years is shocking to me, too," remarked Sekishin. "I was so sure Hijikata would have killed him after all those pranks."
"What."
"That's because you wouldn't sit still long enough for me to kill you," Hijikata grunted.
"Whaat."
"Personally, I think it's because you don't want to deal with all that paperwork by yourself."
"Whaaaaa—"
Sugihara smacked Takeda upside the head.
"Are you telling me that Akatsuki is seriously Sannan?" Oka asked incredulously.
"So now that they all know, can I attend the meetings from now on?" Akatsuki's voice quipped.
"No."
"Whaaaaa—"
Sugihara bashed Takeda's and Oka's heads together.
Remember that wedding we crashed? Yeah, I wish I didn't either
"Oh, right," he spoke up suddenly. "Do you remember the day Genjirou got married?"
Sekishin blinked. "Kondou-san, I think your memories aren't completely back yet. I don't remember any wedding."
That couldn't be right. He knew Inoue had a wife named Kureha and a four-year-old son named Eitarou. And he faintly remembered that there was some sort of ceremony celebrating their marriage.
"I do, however, recall there being a large-scale disaster that incapacitated the priest, ruined the wedding cake, knocked over almost every single table and chair, and nearly set the chapel on fire."
Oh.
"None of you should ever be invited to a wedding ever again. Sougo and Bokosuke, quit playing with the candles. We already had to put out two fires. If we have to put out another, I'm using your blood and bodies to do it."
"Excuse me. Can I just say that feeding a fire bread and wine will only make it worse?"
"Kureha, honey, you're not making this any better."
"And I speak for every other sane person when I say, 'I told you so.'"
"Shut up. It's not like you had any ideas for a wedding gift."
"And somehow, by the end of it, two people had a new ring on their fingers and were pronounced man and wife." Sekishin hid a grin with her hand. "Though I have to say, it was a good day."
In an Alternate Universe where Seki does come back
"Seki, have I ever told you that I love you?" Gintoki asked, propping his elbows on his desk and entwining his fingers.
Sekishin attempted to look as innocent as possible. "I'm sure you have, in a non-incestuous way."
"Then I take it all back. I hate you so much."
And for the second time that day, she laughed.
"Seki, how many times have we discussed this? How. Many. Times?" He slammed his hands on the desk as he stood up. "This is why you waited until now to come back, isn't it? So you could have a repeat of this conversation! Somebody remind me how I'm related to you!"
"By blood?" Shinpachi offered.
"I'm just reminding you that this is a thing, in case you don't remember," Sekishin said.
"Don't worry, there's a lot of things that I remember and a lot of things that I'd rather not remember, mainly all the times we've argued over this!" Gintoki grumbled, scratching his head furiously.
That one drunk scene that's actually important but may never actually appear in this fanfic
"How drunk do you have to be to write 小(ko) as 血(chi)? Her name's changed from little snow to blood snow! Actually, how did you managed to write 雪(yuki) perfectly while drunk?!"
"That...that name fits her a lot better actually."
"Oh no."
Wait, who has a paycheck?
"Oi, Seki, you're breaking home. We're going home."
Okita turned to his companion. "Seriously, Danna? She has a curfew? No wonder she ran away from home."
"Don't compare her to a rebellious teenager. If anything, she's more like a sadistic woman who takes pleasure in making other people's lives a living hell."
"Isn't that what her job is, though? You keep her alive and she makes your and Hijikata-san's lives living hell."
"Yeah, and she's doing such a good job that I don't even want to pay her for it."
"That's okay. Akatsuki's already paying her using Hijikata-san's paycheck."
"That so? Better his paycheck than mine."
"You have a paycheck?"
"Very funny."
Hijikata has a second job
"Hijikata, let me have a mirror."
"Hijikata-san, the left side is longer than the right."
"Hijikata, try not to make another mistake."
"Hijikata-san, incoming!"
"Hijikata, did you know that there's a pair of scissors embedded in the back of your head?"
"Toshi, are you done yet?"
"I'm not a barber!" Throwing down a pair of scissors, Hijikata glared at the other three people in the room. Okita was digging through the cabinets in search of more scissors, Kondou was sitting to the side, catching up on the events he missed while he had been missing, and Sekishin was sitting on top of some laid-out newspapers.
He didn't know how he got himself in that kind of situation. One moment, Sekishin had been complaining about how her hair was getting long, and the next, Okita was already getting out scissors and Kondou volunteered to be the next in line to have his hair cut.
"You say you aren't a barber, but you've cut my hair how many times now?" Sekishin asked.
"Somebody tell Yorozuya to hurry up and get his house fixed. I can't deal with this woman anymore."
How to find an amnesiac
"Let's see, if I was an amnesiac, where would I go?" Sekishin wondered out loud as she crossed off another place on the map.
"...I'm not answering that," Hijikata replied, not looking up from his reports.
"Of course you aren't. Was I asking you? No. I'm just talking to myself." She returned to the map. "Not Yoshiwara, not the castle, not Kabuki-chou either. Hasegawa's looking around the slums for me, but he hasn't found anything yet. How hard is it to find an idiot with silver hair?"
"He's bald now," Okita piped up from a corner.
"Or maybe he dyed his hair."
"What kind of an amnesiac would dye his hair?"
She shrugged. "It's a lot more probable than becoming bald."
For the sake of our sanity, let's not visit Sakamoto in jail
She sighed and he laughed. She shook her head. He laughed some more. She laughed with him and the guard watching them felt very uneasy.
"Sakamoto, just pay for the repairs! It's the least you can do after crashing into our house!" She said, abruptly halting her laughter.
When Seki goes to an informant
"Please tell me you're serious this time. If I find out that this is another lie, I will turn you in to the Shinsengumi."
"So I sent you on a couple of wild goose chases. Big deal. 'S not my fault our war hero's gallivanting around Edo. 'Side, you know what they say: 'Third time's the joker.'"
"Charm."
"Shaddup, Minan.
Niki's the Captain of the Ninth Division and Sugihara's a Shintoist
"Explain to me why you're here and Kondou-san isn't!" Hijikata yelled.
"Oh, that's because some zookeepers mistook him for a gorilla and took him away."
"What."
"Or maybe they were Jouishishi. I'm not sure."
"Sannan, it's too early for April Fools' jokes."
"Well how am I supposed to know who they are? I got hit in the head and fell unconscious."
"Then why did you assume they were zookeepers!?" Hijikata shouted.
"Can't take a joke like always, I see."
"But I have to ask, you didn't lose your memories too, did you?" Takeda asked. "What? She got hit in the head! You'd think she'd get amnesia with the luck everyone else is having."
"If she got amnesia, then I'd have to call her Elie."
"Elie, huh?" Sekishin tapped her chin thoughtfully.
"Sannan, I don't like that look in your eyes. If you decide to get tonfa guns, I will kill you," threatened Sugihara.
"Wait, Sugi. You know who that is? Holy—"
"Shut up, Niki. And Sannan, don't you dare get a tonfa gun, or, so help me God—"
"I thought you didn't believe in God."
"—so help me Amaterasu, I will kill you and this pathetic excuse of a human," Sugihara finished, glaring at the pair. "Although, I might just decide to kill Niki right now."
"What did I do?" Niki threw up his arms.
"You know what you did. I swear to God—"
"Amaterasu."
"—you're even worse than Akatsuki!"
"Of course I'm worse than Aka. Aka's an angel compared to me!"
April Fools NOT
"My name is Sekishin, so learn to use it. No one in the Shinsengumi uses my name. It's either Chiyuki or Sannan, and you call me Kozakura. And then everyone else calls me the other Sakata or Yorozuya's sister and what not. What's it take for someone to call me by my actual name?"
Takezawa shrugged. "Amnesia, I guess."
"Takezawa, you moron!"
"All right. Let me just go get Otae, and—"
"You stay right where you are!"
"We'd like to keep our memories, thank you very much."
Sekishin just clicked her tongue as she plopped back down on the floor. Her sour expression soon disappeared, and her eyes lit up. "Oh, and by the way…" she started, leaning towards Hijikata to whisper something in his ear.
"I'm missing something here," said Takezawa. Immediately after he was brought up to speed, Hijikata drew his sword.
"Anything else you'd like to tell us before I kill you?"
"Oh, for Pete's sake. What did she say this time?"
"The Yorozuya office is trashed, Shiroyarou's missing, and she wants to spend the night here."
"...You know, I'm just waiting for someone to say that this is all an April Fool's joke."
"Aren't we all…"
The OC-Gumi are all dorks
"...And after that, we decided that I'd take Kondou back here while the others would take Gintoki back to the office. The End," Sekishin said, concluding her story.
Silence reigned in the room for a short moment before the outbursts came.
"Now wait just one moment!"
"There's no way that's the end!"
"Sannan!"
"Saitou, wake up!"
"Quiet!"
One word from Hijikata shut up the others in the room, though one person continued to say "Zzz" as if in a trance. Meanwhile, Hijikata was not calm at all as he stubbed out his cigarette on the back of his hand.
"Explain to me why you're here and Kondou-san isn't, Chiyuki!" he yelled.
"Sekishin."
"Chiyuki."
The woman said nothing as she stared right at Hijikata. Hijikata stared back. Behind them, the captains took bets on who would win the staring contest. In front of Hijikata, Okita was preparing to shine a light into the vice commander's eyes.
Blink.
"Sougo, you bastard!"
"And the winner is… ...Hey, where's my drumroll?"
"Get on with it, Niki."
"Fine, fine. The winner is...Sannan!"
"Yes! Pay up, you mortals!"
"No way! Okita cheated!"
"Don't be a sore loser, Oka. Just give the kid the money."
"Who's a kid? I'll have you know that I'm just trapped in this mortal body. My true identity is—Woah!"
The short teen was easily lifted up by a bulky man in his thirties. "Yeah, yeah. You're a centuries-old demon king. You've said this before."
"But that's not all! The seal on my older memories is slowly breaking. I'm not just a demon king. I'm—"
"—way past your bedtime. Don't try to pass off those dark circles under your eyes as the mark of the demon king. You're just sleep-deprived." With that, Inoue Genjirou brought the young man to his shoulder and carried him as if he was a sack of potatoes.
"Damn you, you reincarnation of the legendary hero!" When that didn't work, he continued on by yelling, "I'm telling your wife that you're abusing me! This is child abuse!"
Sounding very much like the villain he claimed to be and the child he actually was, Toudou Bokosuke, the great Captain of the Eighth Division was carried off to bed, and Hijikata massaged his head.
"Now that that's over with, tell us what happened with Kondou-san, Chiyuki."
"Since you insist on calling me Chiyuki, I order you to call me Sekishin."
"You can't order me to do anything. You aren't part of the Shinsengumi anymore!"
"You are currently speaking to the ghost of Yamanami. Last I checked, ranks don't decrease when you die, so I still rank higher than you."
"Fourth Article of the Kyokuchuu Hatto: In the event that the commander is absent, the vice commander is to take over the right to command, and all officers are to obey him. So I order you to tell us what happened with Kondou-san and to raise no objections when being addressed as Chiyuki henceforth."
"OBJECTION!" shouted Okita, bringing up his trusty bazooka. Hijikata was quick to cut it up.
"This isn't a courtroom!"
"OBJECTION!" Oka bellowed, pointing at Hijikata.
"Why are you pointing at me?"
"My ancestor was a Naruhodou!" he replied loudly.
"What does that have to do with anything?".
"Then, mine was a Mitsurugi," drawled Okita.
"While we're on the subject, Sugihara's was an Ayasato!" proclaimed Niki.
Sugihara hit Niki's head. "HOLD IT! Don't decide who my ancestors were on your own."
"Quick, someone go get a desk for these people to slam."
"Turnabout Shinsengumi."
"The judge is Hijikata. The attorney is Sannan. The prosecutor is Harada. The defendant is Okita and the victim is Sugihara! And the culprit is… ...Argh! I can't take it anymore! I'm going to record a drumroll!"
"Niki, don't decide these things on your own!"
"Yeah, yeah!"
"In the first place, Hijikata can't be the judge. He doesn't have a beard, and he actually has a brain!"
"Yeah, ye—Wait, what. Takeda, you're missing the point."
"I'm cursing all of you to death!"
In the midst of the chaos that was the captain's meeting, the thunderous slam of the door opening went unnoticed by many. The few that did notice turned to see who it was.
"SILENCE!"
Nobody deserves a driver's license
Sekishin had been heading home after a usual day at work when she saw something crash into the office.
That something was Sakamoto's space ship. Someone had to take away his driver's license or pilot's license or whatever license was needed to pilot a spaceship. And with how many accidents he got into while riding his his scooter, someone needed to revoke Gintoki's license as well. Sekishin had also heard the complaints from many of the Shinsengumi about Katsura's driving, so his license—if he had one because Katsura didn't care for the law that much and wouldn't go through the hassle of getting a license unless he really needed it. And then there was Takasugi with his new lack of depth perception. She wasn't going to trust him behind the wheel of any vehicle.
Of course, she had no delusions about being the only good driver of the group. Not with just one arm. Though it would have been nice if she had two arms and could drive safely, if only to rub it in their faces.
But still, what was with the Jouishishi and their lack of driving or piloting skills?
Taking a nap
"Akatsuki, Hijikata-san wants to know if—Akatsuki?"
Sunlight filtered through crack between the door and the wall, making the spot warm. She could smell ink and paper. She could feel the texture of the tatami floor beneath her.
"No, not Akatsuki."
Someone was trying to rouse her. Who? Usually, she and Gintoki were left alone even after class was long over. Speaking of Gintoki, she couldn't hear his snoring. Was he still there? She reached out with her left hand.
Nothing. She couldn't feel anything, not even the desk or the floor. Strange. Was her arm numb?
"Akatsuki…"
Was there someone named Akatsuki at the temple? Hmm, no good. She was too tired to think.
"Sannan?"
Who was Sannan? She wanted to tell the speaker to stop bothering her about people she didn't know.
...Didn't know?
"Hey…"
Her eyes opened a crack, but her sight was all blurry. There was someone in front of her. Light brown hair.
"Shouyou? Five more minutes."
"Who's Shouyou?"
Wait, the hair was short. "Akira?"
It was unusual for Akira to talk to her. He was shy around girls and never managed to look them in the eyes.
"Sannan, you aren't making any sense."
"Not Sannan," she mumbled, closing her eyes again.
Looking in the mirror
There was a face staring at him. It was a man's face, judging from his broad shoulders and short hair. It wasn't an unfamiliar face. He had seen a similar face days earlier, but that face had belonged to a woman.
They had the same silver, permed hair. The same nose. The same eye color. But their eyes were different. The woman had eyes that were filled with unreadable emotions. The man's eyes were just blank.
He blinked. The two were obviously close relatives. (Twins, a small part of his mind whispered.) Did that mean that the man knew him also? But the man wasn't saying anything to him. Maybe it was because the man's head injury—so similar to his own—prevented the man from speaking. It seemed far-fetched, but if he lost his memories because a blow to the head, then surely someone else could lose his voice. Or maybe it was the man's sight that was gone, considering the blank eyes.
So he waved in case the man was mute and said, "Hey," in case the man was blind.
When the man's hand moved and his mouth opened at the same time, he knew something was strange. When he moved, the man moved. The man mirrored his every action.
"Quit it," he growled softly, and the man's lips moved in sync with his.
Fed up with the man's actions, he finally lost his patience. He punched the man.
And everything shattered.
The door to the bathroom opened, and his new boss looked inside. "Hey, what are you doing? Don't break the mirror! I'm taking the repair costs out of your paycheck!"
Don't break the mirror. He looked at the place he punched. A spiderweb of cracks originated there, and the man's face was broken into pieces. He looked at his bleeding fist. At the mirror shards digging through his skin and the blood trickling from it. At his broken reflection in front of him.
That man's face was his. That woman was his sister. And he saw it. Blood running down the back of his hand, not because he punched a mirror but because someone—
"Don't!"
—had stabbed—a knife, a dagger, a tanto—a broken tip of a katana into it.
No. Nononono—
He didn't want to remember anything past that. And he had decided that there was no point in recovering his memories. So he cleaned his hand and bandaged it so he wouldn't think about it.
Out of sight, out of mind.
He was looking in a mirror. She was looking in a mirror. They both were looking in a mirror.
If only it was true.
A/N: So the last few are kinda...Well, some bloopers aren't all funny.
(On a side note, the bloopers chapter is longer than the main chapter. What.)