Not-Lesson 10: Jack Fell Down and Broke his Crown and Jill was Left on the Hill

It was dark in the office, with barely enough light to see his own hand, and Gintoki was just about ready call it a day and sleep on the couch. Sitting in the the other couch, Sekishin fiddled with the buttons on the camera on her lap, making a constant beeping noise that Gintoki found hard to ignore. How anyone could sleep like this was beyond Gintoki, though such people obviously existed.

Taking up the rest of Gintoki's couch were the kids, eyes closed and mouths open, sleeping after a day of searching for lost jewelry in between plastering posters of Otsuu's upcoming concert around town. Not quite asleep, Sadaharu had his head and front paws resting on the back of Sekishin's couch.

"Can't believe you dragged me out just to take pictures for you," she muttered, going through the photos in the camera's memory.

"Because you were complaining about having nothing to do on your day off," Gintoki pointed out. "Besides, I thought you liked taking pictures."

She was certainly helpful, with how busy they were today.

"I like taking ghost pictures. They're much more exciting. Instead, all I took were some boring photos of buildings and buildings and more...buildings? Huh." She held up the camera to her eyes, squinting. "Is that Sadaharu's fur or your hair? What do you think?"

Sadaharu barked when she showed it to him, though what he said was a mystery.

"It could be the cat that jumped in front of you. Remember?"

"Oh right, it did have white patches." She brought the camera back down, holding it in front of her, as if preparing to take a picture.

"Hey, finger off the shutter. I gave you that camera so you could take pictures of Kabuki-chou for that travel brochure Shirobaa—"

"How do you mess up a person's name that badly? Her name was Enohara," Sekishin interrupted.

Gintoki waved half-heartedly at her. The old woman's hair was snow white. What else was he going to call her? "Anyway, I didn't give you that just so you could take pictures of sleeping kids like some kind of creep."

"I'm not taking any pictures, and I'm not a creep. I'm not posting half-naked pictures of you on the internet, now am I?"

"Half-naked photos of Gin-san?" repeated an enamored voice from above. Gintoki was past being surprised at a certain ninja and her penchant for staying in the ceiling for hours at a time.

Instead, he groaned, making a face that Kondou liked to call his "Do you see what I put up with" face just as a click, a loud and crisp sound, rang out from the camera. Thankfully, the flash was off.

"Oops."

"Hey!" Gintoki snapped, his voice barely above a whisper. Really, how did he put up with her for so long?

Next to him, Shinpachi and Kagura stirred. The Sakatas watched for a moment before deciding that they weren't going to wake up. Well, Kagura fell forward, no longer pinning Gintoki's left hand against the couch, but her head landed on his lap. Shinpachi stayed right where he was, lying flat on his back with his feet hanging off to the side of the couch and using Gintoki's lap as a pillow.

Sekishin raised the camera back up, only to put it back down when Gintoki shot her a look that said, "Don't you dare."

"In my defense, it is hard holding this with one hand without accidentally pressing the shutter button," she said, adjusting her grip so she could push the buttons more easily.

"How about you don't rest your finger on top of the shutter?"

Sekishin shrugged. "Well, what's done is done. I think I'm going to print these out before you can delete anything." She made to stand up.

"Now?" When it was pitch dark outside?

"The sooner, the better, right?"

"You're breaking curfew."

"You're not my dad," Sekishin retorted, taking a glance at the clock. "And it's only nine."

"I'm your brother. It's basically the same thing."

"Oh, so you're finally shaping up as a reliable big brother!"

"Only because my big sister is as reliable as clock without batteries."

He checked the clock to make sure that yes, Sekishin wasn't lying, and yes, the clock was working, and wow, he was so sure it was past eleven at least.

"I thought little sisters are supposed to be unreliable," Sekishin said, petting Sadaharu as he moved to follow her. "Stay."

"I'm surprised you have enough energy to still walk."

"The nearest printer is in a store about twelve minutes from here. It's not too bad. The quicker I get those pictures, the quicker we can give them to Enohara, and the quicker you can get paid and pay your half of the rent."

Gintoki rolled his eyes. "The old hag can wait another month for her rent."

Sekishin gave him her best "Nee-san is disappointed in you" look before turning around and heading for the door.

"One of these days, Gin. One of these days, she won't," she said as she opened the door.

Gintoki's lips parted…

("Don't let me see your face on tomorrow's news, as a suspect or otherwise!")

...and the door shut all too quickly, leaving him no time to say a thing.

He heaved a loud sigh. Sadaharu let out a questioning sound.

"It's nothing," he said.

Or rather, it had better be nothing. If not, he was going to kill that troublesome sister of his.

Only an hour later, Sekishin had called Otose to tell him not to expect her back anytime soon. (She'd called him first but there was no way he was going to get up to pick up the phone when there were two people sleeping and drooling on his lap.)

If the serial killer didn't get to her first, then Gintoki was going to kill her.

After a rather eventful morning at Shinsengumi Headquarters, Yamazaki had jumped at the chance to get out. He planned for a regular walk around Edo, gaining information and maybe learning more about the rumors of the serial killer and Takasugi. But then he saw Gintoki. Sakata Gintoki, bane of the Shinsengumi for various reasons.

He should have stayed at headquarters, Hijikata's fury be damned.

Yamazaki was just...going to leave now before Gintoki caught sight of him. He was sure that Gintoki suspected the Shinsengumi of knowing something about Sekishin—which wasn't wrong. And Yamazaki did not want to be the one tell him what his sister had been up to.

"Hey, Jimmy!"

No such luck. Not able to even take one step, Yamazaki froze in place as Gintoki walked over.

"Do you need something, Gintoki-san?" Yamazaki asked hesitantly, eyes darting around for an escape route. "Oh, I have a fish sausage!" He pulled out the fish sausage that he was planning to eat as an afternoon snack and silently said goodbye to it as he offered it to Gintoki, like a sacrifice to appease a destructive god.

Now what was he supposed to eat? Anpan from the convenience store?

"Oh, free food." Gintoki tore off the wrapper and bit into the sausage, chewing as he talked. "So, you Shinsengumi know anything about a sword named Benizakura?"

It didn't sound familiar at all. "It sounds like something Toudou would call his sword, but this is the first time I've heard it. If it's a lost item, you're better off going to the police office."

"If the police are better than the Shinsengumi, then why am I paying tax money for you guys again?"

Yamazaki was three hundred percent sure that Gintoki didn't even pay his rent, much less his taxes. Someone really needed to arrest him for tax evasion.

He was also very uncomfortable with how long it was taking Gintoki to ask the big question. Which was exactly why Yamazaki, throwing away any self-preservation instincts, spoke up.

"So...about Sannan…"

"Stop right there." Yamazaki closed his mouth with a click. "The longer I go without hearing about what she did, the happier I'll be. And when you see her, tell her that I'm not going to be back tonight."

"Dare I ask why?"

"Knowing my luck, I'm going to run into our latest serial killer."

"The...serial killer," Yamazaki repeated dumbly. The one that nearly killed Katsura? How likely was it that this serial killer could almost kill Gintoki as well—or worse?

"Yeah." Gintoki crumpled up the wrapper and seemed to share none of his misgivings. He stuck one finger in his ears and flicked away the earwax. "You'd think, after squandering all my tax money, the Shinsengumi would at least spend it to arrest a wanted man, but no. They're making poor civilians like me deal with their messes."

Yamazaki laughed weakly. "If we arrested every wanted man in Edo, I think you'd also be put in jail."

"So what you're saying is that the Shinsengumi is full of corruption. Because Seki is bribing you not to arrest me."

He couldn't deny that.

He also couldn't deny that it was tempting to arrest Gintoki right now, if only because this serial killer was bad news and he didn't want Gintoki to deal with it.

But the fact that the Yorozuya had a record of solving incidents like these was yet another undeniable fact.

Katsura wasn't dead, Shinpachi told himself. Sure, he was a little (maybe a lot) strange and had a few screws loose, but Shinpachi liked to think that Katsura wouldn't just drop dead because of a serial killer.

He could just be lying low, plotting his revenge. Or he could be in a prison cell because he…

Yeah, Shinpachi didn't know. But it didn't hurt to check with the Shinsengumi.

Except when it did.

Rubbing his sore butt, Shinpachi cautiously looked back. Hijikata, the man who kicked him out, was walking away, his lighter clicking and clicking before he threw the lighter to the ground and muttered something Shinpachi couldn't make out. Kondou stood at the gates, giving him an apologetic smile.

"Sorry about that. Toshi's been having a horrible day and his mood's not so great. He's—"

Boom!

"Sougo!"

Shinpachi had to lean to the side to catch Sougo taking out his bazooka. And maybe he saw a flash of red fabric until he had to stop to regain his balance. Kondou looked back as well to face the soot-covered Afro-kata. Hijikata, he meant.

"Maybe I should leave now." Before Hijikata got in a worse mood and found Elizabeth, who was hidden nearby...or not?

Shinpachi caught sight of the top of Elizabeth's head from over the wall. More and more of Elizabeth became visible. Was he...scaling the wall? From the inside? Why did he hide there?!

"Maybe you should," Kondou said, still looking back.

Shinpachi wasn't listening though. He was more concerned about when the Shinsengumi were looking to look at the right wall and see Elizabeth.

"Shinpachi?"

"Huh?" He looked back down at Kondou. In his peripherals, Elizabeth had jumped down. "Sorry, Kondou-san. I gotta go!"

Shinpachi took off running to the right with Kondou leaving him with some parting words.

"Say 'hi' to Otae-san for me!"

Which Shinpachi was probably not going to do. Anyway, he was going to find Elizabeth. He turned the corner and…

Nothing. Elizabeth wasn't there.

"Elizabeth?" he called out softly.

Something poked him in the back. When he turned around, he saw Elizabeth poking him with the corner of a placard.

"What?" it read.

"Oh, there you are." Was it really necessary to sneak up on him from behind? "It doesn't look like Katsura-san's been arrested or anything." The moment he asked about Katsura, Hijikata had immediately given him the boot. Shinpachi doubted that Katsura's arrest would elicit such a violent reaction. With no other options left, Shinpachi reluctantly came to a conclusion. "I guess we really do have to look for the serial killer."

They found the serial killer. Or maybe he found them. Shinpachi didn't worry about the semantics, couldn't worry about them because—Oh god, oh god oh god, it wasn't stopping. It wasn't stopping. He was putting as much pressure on it as he could, but—

But the blood wasn't stopping.

He was aware of a scream in the distance. Or maybe it wasn't that distant. Maybe it was right next to his ear, maybe it was him, but Shinpachi couldn't tell when his heart was beating so loudly.

Thump, thump, it went, loud and fast.

Someone was talking to him, he thought. Someone was holding his shoulder, someone was placing their hands on top of his, someone was opening their mouth.

"Hey, get help!" someone said.

There was another someone, maybe the person with their hand on his shoulder, maybe the person person with their hands on his, or maybe a different person altogether. That person told him, reassured him.

"It's going to be all right. It's going to be all right, kid."

And Shinpachi wanted to believe those words. Desperately clung to them as people carried Gintoki onto dry land. Allowed himself to believe them as kimonos were torn to act as bandages and instructions were shouted out.

There were people whose faces he didn't know. Strangers or perhaps old acquaintances of Gintoki. There were some faces that he recognized. A man who visited Otose's bar at least once a week. A couple who started dating after a rather odd job involving a stolen love letter and a dog. Some more patrons of Otose's bar, thankfully sober.

And then, as he stood in the river, staring at his trembling hands, someone drew close to him.

"He's a strong guy; he's not going to die that easily."

Shinpachi knew how strong Gintoki was. But he also saw his father on his deathbed, saw his sister prepare to sell herself off, saw Hajime-nii leave and never come back, saw Katsura's chopped-off hair, saw all these strong people leave like it was nothing, and he knew.

Being strong didn't make you invulnerable. It didn't change the fact that you were still human.

"What do you mean, Gin's injured? And not even in the hospital?! That—that—"

"Let's calm down. Obviously, he's still alive."

"Not when I get my hands on him."

"Why don't you just keep planting those bombs?"

"Why don't I take this bomb and shove it—"

Katsura quickly hung up the call. He faced the sword that was stabbed into the ground like a grave, a grave with his wallet hanging from the sword, and wondered if this was what it felt like to be considered dead.

Footsteps approached him from behind.

"Elizabeth-san," a voice he recognized as Shinpachi called out. "Is that for Katsura-san?"

"Don't say anything," the placard that Katsura held up read. He didn't want to hear him talk about his own 'death.'

But Shinpachi spoke on, informing Katsura not about his death, but about how dire the situation had gotten.

The phone rang. It rang and it rang and it rang, and Gintoki was stuck in bed, unable to pick up the receiver. Otae stood up to answer it. If that was Sekishin, Gintoki was going to yell at her.

"Hello?" A pause. "He's injured right now. I can pass a message for you." Pause again. Was it his sister, was it not his sister? Gintoki was really curious since Seki still hadn't come home—as a corpse or otherwise. "Okay."

"Who was it?" Gintoki asked as Otae came back, sounding as bored and disinterested as humanly possible.

It wasn't like he was worried or anything, baka!

But in all seriousness, he had faith in her ability to survive. He just had less faith in her ability to stay away from trouble. Sekishin thought the same about him.

"Someone from the Shinsengumi. His name was Akatsuki, I think?" Not Sekishin but still his sister, Gintoki supposed. "He said he wanted you to stab yourself in the hand in advance? Does that make any sense to you?"

Oh boy. That basically meant that his sister was going to do something stupid and possibly life-threatening and was expecting Gintoki to be stupid enough to risk his life trying to save her. Not that he was going to deny it.

Gintoki sighed. "Typical. Tell Bakatsuki that he owes me my half of rent for this." He moved to get up.

Otae dragged him back down. "How many times do I have to tell you? You have to stay and rest."

He got it. He's injured, he's covered in bandages like a mummy, he can't reopen his wounds. It was nothing he never heard from Sekishin. And sure, it was all true. Sure, he was going to go anyway. Grit his teeth and ignore the pain and help his men or his clients or his family.

Gintoki wasn't smart enough to know when to lie down, even when others told him to. Wasn't obedient enough to listen, wasn't careful enough to prevent more injuries. He was just stubborn, stubborn enough to keep moving despite everything.

So when Tetsuko came by and asked him to help stop her brother, well, Gintoki was all for stopping idiot siblings from causing anybody anymore harm.

(The whole thing was way too familiar for him to ignore. It was like the Aka-Tsuki Incident all over again. The whole sibling quarrel, the serial killer getting their arm cut off—props to Shinpachi for that—and if Sekishin hadn't shown up at the Shinsengumi with a body on her back, he was going to abstain from parfaits for a month.

Okay, maybe just a week.

...Or a day.)

Besides, he'd bet pretty much anything that he'd find Shinpachi and Kagura where he'd find Tetsuya and Sekishin. Plus, he wanted to give a certain serial killer a piece of his mind.

"You could die," Otae had told him. Very true.

But frankly, Gintoki could care less about his life.

There had been times during the war when Gintoki found himself lying on lumpy ground, when he needed to be up and fighting because who else was going to protect everyone, who else was going to act as a decoy?

Who else was going to keep his promise with Shouyou?

But no one let him up, made him stay down. His wounds were too great, the others were still doing okay, and many more excuses were made to encourage him to rest.

To live.

He hated it. Hated that all these people were telling him to live when they could all die while he slept. And then what? He would fail to protect everyone, break his promise, and what would he be left with?

Nothing, that's what. Because his life meant nothing if everyone was gone. So he got up, picked up his sword and donned his armor, and headed back out into the battlefield, well aware that he could die.

And then he'd be stopped. Tied down with his arms bound and his sister sitting on his good leg like there was nothing wrong.

A common sight.

"Gin," she said many times, eyes filled with disapproval that Gintoki never cared for. "Gin, you stupid, empty-headed, muscle-brained—"

"How can I be muscle-brained if I'm empty headed?"

After jabbing a finger painfully into one of his many injuries, she hung her head and sighed. "Why am I related to you?"

And one memorable time, after spending days comatose after getting caught up in an explosion and after going back into the battlefield, he woke up. Not on lumpy ground or smooth ground or any kind of ground. He woke up on someone's back as they struggled to drag him back.

He stared at his mirror image, a person with short, silver hair, wearing his usual armor. His sister, who usually took his place in the war when he was injured.

"You dunderhead. How many times do you plan on charging in the moment you hear I'm fighting?" she muttered, unaware that he was awake.

And Gintoki replied, "If you think I'm just going to let you die out there, you're dumber than I am."

It was clearly the wrong thing to say; she pinched the skin on the back of his hand. Almost hurt worse than the torn stitches in his side.

"Just...promise me one thing, okay?" she requested, facing forward so he wouldn't have to see the cut above her brow. "Value your life more."

Everything hurt. Gintoki let Tetsuko sling his arm around her shoulders as Shinpachi and Kagura asked over and over if he was all right. Gintoki waved them off. As if Gin-san was just going to drop dead from a few minor injuries.

(Maybe not that minor, but he'd had worse.)

"Oh my god, how are you up? How are you walking, why are you even here?"

It was a voice that Gintoki was familiar with, and a tone that he knew very well. He didn't bring himself to act surprised when he looked up and saw Sekishin. Frustration grew in her eyes as she took in the blood on his clothes and the white bandages peeking out from underneath.

"Who?" Tetsuko asked softly.

"My sister," Gintoki answered before the habitual liar could. Sekishin clicked her tongue, dismayed.

"Dead. Man. Walking." She enunciated each word sternly as she dropped down.

Gintoki huffed. She could joke about being his daughter from the future at another time.

"Seki-san!" Shinpachi exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here because some people can't understand that injured people. Stay. In. Bed." She glared at Gintoki while saying this and made a gesture that he knew meant that she was getting the rope out of the closet the moment they got out of this mess.

"And someone doesn't understand the purpose of a curfew," Gintoki countered.

Sekishin was about to retort, only to cut her words off with a yelp as, without warning, the ship lurched, unbalancing them. With Tetsuko to help steady him, Gintoki looked back. Kagura had already recovered while Shinpachi had to take a moment to regain his balance. Then he faced forward and watched his sister lose her footing and fall back.

With a start, Gintoki reflexively reached out, and—

He caught her by the wrist, just barely in time to prevent her fall, just barely too late to prevent his own. His feet were swept from underneath him, slipping, slipping, and moments later, the hand gripping the rails is the only thing in contact with the ship.

"You can't pull us both up," she said, this stupid pessimistic sister of his.

On any other day, Gintoki would have been happy to prove her wrong. On any other day, he wouldn't be dealing with a healing shoulder and open wounds that made his finger slick with blood. On any other day, she wouldn't be out here fighting.

"Gin."

"Shut up." He glanced up. It didn't look like like anyone, enemy or ally, had noticed them yet. No help but also no one to nudge his hand off.

"Gin, let go."

He didn't know why she sounded so calm. Gintoki didn't even know how far up they were, but it was high enough for someone to die. He knew that she was an idiot, but not this much of an idiot.

"If you won't, then…"

Her tone made Gintoki look down, and he caught sight of metal in her free hand.

Don't, don't, don't, he silently pleaded. If there was any a time for twin telepathy to work, now would be the time. But Sekishin looked up at him, a wry smile on her face and grim acceptance in her eyes as she held up the broken blade, with no intention of stopping.

"We were going have to separate one day."

A jolt of pain in his left hand loosened his fingers, just for a split second. But a split second was all it took.

She fell, leaving Gintoki with a blade through his hand and a feeling of helplessness and frustration.

That stubborn, self-sacrificing, fatalistic—

He was going to kill her. He was going to kill her in the future because there was no way to kill someone who was already dead.

—he grabbed her wrist—her right wrist—with a brief wince of pain and an exasperated eye roll to cover it up. "You would think, that ten years later, you'd be less of a klutz, but no. You're just the same old Seki, aren't you?"

"Shut up and let go," she said, petulant. Gintoki noted, with no little delight, her slowly reddening ears.

And this time, he did let go.

AN: April Fools and Happy Easter, this isn't dead.

I didn't feel much of a need to go into detail about the Benizakura Arc. It's one of the more memorable ones. You have Gintoki trying to find a sword, the rest of the Yorozuya trying to find Katsura, a serial killer claiming to have killed Katsura, and Takasugi and his men capturing Kagura and trying to use her as a hostage/human shield when Katsura's men seek revenge. Then it turns out that Katsura's Elizabeth and Eli's a parachute and everything's fine. Just fiiine.

So have an introspective look at Benizakura.

Sorry Kagura, but I had no idea what to do with you.