Spencer walked through the park behind the apartment building. He followed one of the trails to the library at the intersection a block away. After browsing through the self-help section, he found a couple of books about grieving and proceeded to check them out, stowing them in his messenger bag. He left the library and walked without a destination in mind for about half an hour, his mind on Grace and their loss, and suddenly found himself standing in front of JJ's house. Her car was in the driveway.
For five whole minutes, he stood there, debating whether to disturb her Sunday or not; and then the decision was made for him.
Her front door opened and JJ strode down the walkway to meet him. "Spence, what are you doing here? How are you?" Not waiting for a reply, she took his arm and propelled him towards the door, "Come on in, I've been hoping for a chance to talk to you."
After they were safely inside, she shut the door and turned to him, drawing him into her arms. "I'm so sorry about the miscarriage."
So she knew, he thought. They probably all knew. A small part of him was relieved to know he wouldn't have to tell his teammates about the loss. Aloud, he thanked her and then, unable to stop himself any longer, broke down in tears.
JJ steered him into the living room, sitting him on the sofa and took a seat next to him. She let him cry for a moment, rubbing his back as he did so.
"It's okay, it's okay," she reassured. "It's okay to cry. It's okay to let this out." She realised at that moment that he'd probably been holding it together for Grace's sake for days now, "Oh my god, you've been so brave. Let it out, Spence."
He gulped and sobbed and dropped his head into his hands, shaking with grief as four days of having to be the stalwart one came to an end and now the floodgates opened.
Next to him, JJ was still, allowing him to purge his feelings uninterrupted. After a few minutes, he raised his head back up, the tears finished.
Sighing, he admitted, "I needed that."
She nodded, "You did. I take it you weren't aware she was pregnant?"
"I don't think even she knew she was until aft—after the—"
"Right," JJ interrupted, seeing his discomfort and squeezing his arm. She stood up and said, "Listen, Will took the boys to the Zoo today, I was working on some files for Emily and I was just stopping to get some lunch when I saw you out there. Let's grab some food. I bet you're hungry, I'll make us some lunch."
He rose and followed her into the kitchen. In a matter of minutes, JJ had sandwiches and soup made and ready to serve.
As they ate, JJ reminded him of her own history.
"You were there for me Spence, remember? If I can help at all, if you want to talk or you want me to talk to Grace," she offered.
He looked up from his soup and smiled his thanks. "She's been holed up in bed for almost four days now."
JJ acknowledged this with a nod but didn't want to interrupt him.
"Maureen—that's a nurse she works with and went to nursing school with years ago—is visiting with her right now. First person she's talked to since," he paused and sighed and JJ reached out and patted his arm, "Since the miscarriage."
He rose from the chair and took his empty plate and mug over to the kitchen sink. JJ's eyes followed his movement, but she sensed he wasn't done talking and waited for him to continue.
"I'm not sure whether I should be giving her space, or," he trailed off, inviting her to speak.
JJ moved to stand next to him, "Whatever you do, Spence, don't let her shut you out." Her eyes clouded over for a moment and she explained, "I shut Will out. I should never have done that. It's a joint loss. I mean, I realise I was the one who physically lost the baby, like Grace did. But Will lost too. And so have you. Don't let her shut you out. You need each other."
He nodded. "I won't."
CMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCM
"I'll see what I can do about that, Sir. I can ask Unit Chief Prentiss to—" Garcia was sitting at her desk and speaking to her caller on one of her phones. She paused abruptly when her office door opened and Senior Agent David Rossi walked in. "We'll talk later," she hastily told her caller and disconnected the call. She turned in her chair and addressed the newcomer.
"Agent Rossi, what can I do for you?"
"Can you work that computer magic of yours and get me some info on this guy?" He handed her a photograph.
She eyed him questioningly.
"I realise I can Google as well as anyone else, but this calls for your touch. It's a screen grab from a surveillance tape," he explained.
"I see that," she countered.
"Aren't you gonna ask what surveillance tape?"
"It looks like Reid's apartment building."
CMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCM
He entered the apartment and was surprised to find Grace sitting in her recliner, her MacBook open in her lap. Maureen came out of the bathroom and found Spencer standing next to Grace's chair.
"Oh, good, you're back. Listen, I have to head back to Hetherington's," she started, and walked over to give Grace a peck goodbye before making her way to the entrance. Spencer followed her to the door. Maureen took her coat from the hook there and whispered to Spencer, "I didn't want to leave her alone, but she's doing okay. She'll be all right."
Aloud, she continued, "It's Scrabble night, and that's one thing I can still do, broken wrist or no. I'll see you in a couple days, okay?" she addressed Grace who acknowledged her,
"Wednesday afternoon Mo! Looking forward to it and thanks for coming over today. You really helped."
"Wednesday afternoon," Maureen echoed. "I'll bring Thai. And forks," she added with a laugh, and a nod to Spencer's inability to navigate chopsticks.
"Thanks," Spencer told Maureen as she left. He returned to Grace's side and saw that she was perusing a medical website. Squeezing her shoulder he asked her gently,
"How are you feeling? You had a nice visit with Maureen."
She nodded, and reached up to take the hand he'd put on her shoulder.
"Are you hungry at all? Can I get you something?"
She shook her head no and rose from the seat, leaving her laptop on the chair, and still holding his hand walked over to the sofa and sat down, drawing him down next to her.
"I need you to listen to me, Spencer."
His heart sank at the serious tone of her voice, but he nodded, swallowed and gave her his full attention.
"I'm okay. I'm feeling good today but I know there will be days ahead when I don't feel good. I need you to understand that some days I'll be fine, like today. And some days I'll be," she paused for a second, "Awful to be around."
She leaned over and kissed his cheek. "One thing that won't ever change though, is that I love you. When I'm having one of those down days, I'll be horrid. I'll probably say terrible things. I'm asking you now to recognise that it's one of those days and just know in your heart that it will pass and it doesn't change the fact that I love you."
He nodded and squeezed her hand.
"I lost this baby and I know deep down it isn't my fault." She put a finger to his lips when she saw he was about to say something. "But there will always be the feeling of loss, the guilt that maybe I could have done something to prevent this from happening. I don't know. I'll never know. All I can do is grieve the loss, learn to live with it and carry on, hoping that some day I will have another baby."
Her voice caught and she stopped for a moment to collect herself. Again Spencer squeezed her hand.
"There's something else."
She looked into his eyes and saw the raw emotion there. It was all she could do to not cry, but she knew she had to forge ahead.
"It's not just my loss, Spencer. You lost this baby too, and for the last few days, you've been my rock. So strong and brave and yet you must be feeling some of the same grief I am. I hope you've been able to find some comfort, too. Maybe talk to someone?"
He released her hand and instead drew her tightly into his arms.
"I love you, Spencer, and I'm so sorry we lost our baby."
"I'm sorry too," he spoke softly, his head bowed against hers. "I love you, too, Grace."
"And, when we're ready, I hope we can try again."
He held her closer.
CMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCM