She hadn't spoken in hours.
Just sat there… staring out the window of the RV…
There was nothing he could think of saying to ease any of the hundreds of thoughts in her head; all those things she must have been thinking about her daughter and that barn and all the days spent searching and hoping and praying…
From where Daryl sat he could see her mind working; whirling so fast that it blurred out into a kinda white noise, leaving her with nothing.
He hoped it wouldn't break her.
He wouldn't let it break her.
What could he do? There was nothing to do. He had caught her when she ran to the moving body of her dead daughter; stopped her from sharing Sophia's fate by holding her there and catching her when she fell.
Daryl had felt her tears wrack through her and shake into him… there was no comfort to be offered; no soothing words to be said.
Sophia was dead.
The world had come crashing in with a shock of earth and sky crushing them.
A shot rang out to toll the end.
Then silence.
And when Carol began to move in his grip, he urged her away from what he knew she would see, telling her, "Don't look."
But the advice only made Carol struggle all the more, lashing out against his embrace until he let her go to see the despair they both felt… and then she turned and ran.
He knew where she would go; there was nowhere else to go…
So for now, or however long it was going to take, he would let her have silence and sit with her while she felt like she had no one in this world… because when she came out of all of the storm up inside her head she would know that she had never been alone at all… not while he was there.
The sound of someone entering the Winebego didn't' make him turn away – nothing would.
"They're ready," Lori said.
For the funeral… shit.
Daryl looked to her, but Carol shook her head.
"Come on…" Lori insisted – insensitive bitch.
"Why?" Carol asked, her voice hollow…
Oh please… Daryl thought, no… "Cause that's your little girl," he explained…
"That's not my little girl…" the words were so cold as she confirmed, "That's some other… thing."
And, he supposed she wasn't wrong; it just hurt to see her admit it…
"My Sophia was alone in the woods."
Daryl thought of the roses… fucking harbingers…
"All this time I thought…"
Please don't…
"She didn't cry herself to sleep," Carol nodded. "She didn't go hungry. She didn't try to find her way back…" Carol took a breath and concluded, "Sophia died a long time ago."
The words hit the air and ricocheted about the RV, puncturing him in a thousand different ways…
Lori left…
Daryl bled.
How could it have come to this?
How did everything right in life turn to ash?
A little girl died… when men like him got to live…
It wasn't right.
And he couldn't make it right.
So he stood and left.
There was nothing else to be done.
What was the point in any of it?
()()()()
Another night closed in… Daryl was thinking about leaving. There was no real point in staying, after all. There was no point to anything; he'd been having a good think on it since leaving Carol in the RV.
The others seemed to think the world had changed; but to him it seemed just as rough and jagged as it ever had.
He had hoped…
Daryl huffed into the air.
Hope.
What was the point?
Hooo-eee! Did you fuck up, son! Merle commented, delight in his voice, should have known aint nobody worth it in the end.
Daryl shifted, as if the motion would cause the words to roll off him like rain water…
You let them in… let them under your skin… Hell! Even thought you was one of them!
"Shut-up," he said, stoking the fire.
…
It wasn't going to last…
…
Just you and me now, baby brother.
"It's just me and me," Daryl corrected, "you're dead."
Think a little thing like death means I'm gonna leave you all alone? Merle sniffed in derision, ain't never gonna happen…
Then he heard the footfalls running toward him from the farm and before he turned he heard Carols voice, "We can't find Lori…"
What? Why in the hell was she on about that when she wouldn't even talk about her daughter?
Daryl angered, so didn't even bother turning to her.
"And the others aren't back yet either."
He couldn't ignore the concern in her voice, wanted to but couldn't, so responded, "Dumb bitch must have gone off looking for them."
Shouldn't have told her that, little brother.
"What?" Carol asked, obviously surprised.
Merle was probably right, because now he had to explain, "Yeah, she asked me to go…" and he turned to her… "told her I was done being an errand boy."
"And you didn't say anything?"
The surprise in her voice made him squirm a little.
Why are you itchin' all over? Merle asked. You didn't owe Olive Oil nothin'. You don't owe this crone an explanation!
And while he didn't like Merle calling on Carol… he was determined not to be persuaded to risk his life for someone who was so quick to risk the lives of others for her own convenience.
Carol sighed in disbelief and began to move away, halting after just a few feet.
Why wouldn't she just leave? He was happy to just be let be…
"Don't do this," she said in a quiet voice. "Please…"
Daryl closed his eyes, trying to block out her voice… he couldn't take it!
"I've already lost my girl…"
Oh! That was it! He stood, "And that wasn't my problem neither."
And it hurt… it hurt to think on that little girl all alone when she died and how scared she must have been… and it hurt to think if he had just found her trail or thought on which way she might have headed or just spent one more hour looking instead of sleeping or eating or daydreaming of…
"What are you doing?" He spat at Carol as she watched him pace.
"Keeping an eye on you," she answered, as though it was obvious… and innocent…
He didn't want her help, nor did he ask for it… he couldn't help her, after all… she didn't let him. He hadn't been allowed to comfort her, but here she was… selfless and passive and comforting… "Ain't you a peach," Daryl seethed.
"I'm not going to let you pull away," Carol told him, not realising she was the reason for it. "You've earned your place."
His place? What was she even about? And he angered again, "If you spent half your time mindin' your daughters business instead of sticking your nose into everybody elses, she would still be alive!"
That should have worked... should have hurt and sent her packing…
But she was still there, haloed in the tree-broken moonlight and gazing at him with wide, ocean eyes…
"Go ahead," she said.
?
"Go ahead and what?" He asked before seeing her body tighten as she set her stance… She was expecting a blow! A body punch or slap to the jaw. What had she ever thought about him to think that was what he needed?!
The outrage and disgust that filled him was a bitter taste in his mouth as he let the rage take and asked, "Man, just go!" Why was she even still here? To be hit? To think he would strike her! She never knew him at all… and he couldn't stand to see her, "I don't want you here."
But she stayed… silent and watching…
What did she want?! "You're a real piece of work, lady."
So why was it bothering him? Usually, at this point, people would leave… well, except that councillor in school… oh! That was it! "What? Are you going to make this about my Daddy or some crap like that?"
Still, she said nothing; where he had probably said far too much… had to cover his tracks! "Man, you don't know jack."
And why was it all about him anyway…
"You're afraid," Daryl said, wanting her to leave. "You're afraid 'cause you're all alone..." There was a flash in her eye and he knew he had made an impact... "Ain't got no husband…" No effect… "No daughter," strike two...
And while it should have felt like a victory, it actually hollowed him out a little more… but he had to carry on, or she would never go…
"You don't know what to do with yourself..."
And she angled her head so that he could see her blue eyes clearly… and he felt himself falter… she was here for him… doing what she had to to bring him back…
Except he wasn't ready, and she shouldn't be there, and… "Hey, you ain't my problem!"
And he wasn't hers! And… "Sophia wasn't mine!"
So why did it hurt?
Why was it all so mixed up?
If that little girl was alive then maybe – no! No! She was gone because, "All you had to do was keep an eye on her!"
And she was still stood there; tense against what she thought was coming, so he kicked his boot in the sand as though he was aiming a strike at her…
And she took it…
She just took it…
What was happening?
Then a sob ripped through her and she looked at him
"Yeah…" she agreed.
Had she needed to hear that from someone else?
Had she needed to let the words hit the air for them to dissipate?
Was that why she was there? Because he would sound the truth they both knew and then they could heal?
But it hurt so badly…
And she felt it too… unflinching and staring down the truth to the end… she needed to hear it.
Had he needed to say it?
But now he saw the tears tracking down her face and felt moments away from his own… but as his throat dried out and he struggled to begin to even form what to think, let alone say, he moved toward her…
And Carol let him… let him get that close that they were practically nose-to-nose…
So when her eyes met his, there was only one thing for Daryl to do…
He bent to her and placed his lips on hers…
The small gasp she gave drew the air from his lungs but she still didn't move…
And Daryl felt his body move closer to hers, pressing together, chest to chest, thighs to thighs… but he still didn't place hands on her… just let them both adjust to the moment.
When it was done, he drew back to see her startled expression.
He couldn't explain it either.
Then Carol turned to leave…
()()()