Sighing, Lord Shaxx shook his head at the results of the crucible round. The blue team had done excellently - completely dominated, even - but that was the problem. This particular fireteam had been winning all day. It just wasn't fun when someone wasn't getting obliterated after a major victory. Shaxx wanted to see some broken limbs and dreams.

That was why he was climbing that excessive amount of steps to the Speaker's sanctum. Upon reaching the top, Shaxx entered the sweeping room, a breathtaking view of the Traveler at its center.

The Speaker, gazing pensively over the City, turned to greet him. "Good afternoon, Lord Shaxx. How is the Crucible today?"

"Good afternoon, Speaker," Shaxx replied. "That's just what I was coming to talk to you about."

"Do tell," the Speaker said, interested. The Iron Lord seemed unhappy, which was unusual when addressing the goings-on of his arena.

Shaxx procured his Ghost and displayed that day's victors, highlighting the problem. "There is a fireteam on an unprecedented winning streak. I suspect foul play, but I cannot seem to find any evidence of cheating."

The Speaker scanned the match results, crossing his arms. "Have you checked for a certain pair of Hunter's leg armor?"

"Thoroughly," Shaxx scowled under his helmet. He hated those damned "lucky" pants.

"I see." The Speaker thought for a moment. Then, raising his head, he had an idea.

Shaxx noticed the shift. "You have a solution?"

"Yes," the Speaker replied, his tone lined with something that reminded the Iron Lord of evil glee. "What if you introduced a new contender?"

Lord Shaxx shivered, comprehending, and got the chilling notion that under his mask, the Speaker was grinning.

Later in the Crucible, fireteam Sun's Out Guns Out was preparing for their next landslide victory. Their leader, a Titan who had chosen the tag iR0k_01, swaggered in front of his teammates.

"God, I can't wait to win again," he laughed. "These noobs don't know anything."

"Yeah, and I hear we're only going up against one guy this time," snickered a Hunter, YaBoi-69.

The fireteam guffawed together at their opponent's apparent mistake, and entered the match. Not even five seconds had passed before they were blinded by radiance from above, as if the sun had decided to come closer to Earth. Eight seconds into the Crucible match, the fireteam died in unison.

"What the hell!" YaBoi shrieked as he respawned.

iR0k as he joined his team. "At least we know it's just one Sunsinger. Who is this guy anyway?" The Titan checked his HUD briefly; in it were the death messages of his team, all taken out by the same player - The_Lorax.

"The_Lorax?" YaBoi asked incredulously. "What kind of a name is that?"

"Doesn't matter! Let's nuke this idiot!" another Titan, FemmeFatale, interrupted. She charged out into the arena, gripping her shotgun and spinning violently to the side as a blue-and-white streak slashed out her fate.

The_Lorax Bladedanced with FemmeFatale, read the message on the HUD.

"Holy cotton socks!" YaBoi exclaimed as he died for the second time. When the fireteam returned, The_Lorax was waiting for them. He struck again, bearing down on the panicked fireteam like thunder, crackling with Striker energy as he dropped from the heavens. Nine times he killed the fireteam, once for each Guardian subclass. Nine seconds before the match ended, iR0k was the last man standing. He breathed heavily, on his last leg from the most recent attack; he'd barely escaped. He felt a strong hand grasp his shoulder from behind and force him around to face his attacker.

iR0k gasped from the shock of both the revelation of his opponent's identity and the knife hilt-deep in his ribs. He was helmet-to-mask with the Speaker himself.

Four seconds to go.

The Speaker leaned in, twisting the blade, and growled, "Are we having fun yet?"

The HUD displayed a final message just before the Crucible clock ran out.

The_Lorax stabbed iR0k_01.

A/N: I see you've made it this far in my overall goofiness. Congrats. This particular prompt was brought up when Sir Monkey and I noticed that the Speaker's character design included elements from the three main classes. Speculation ensued, and as you can see it escalated quickly. Stay tuned for an idea involving a knife-happy Hunter, the Reef, and a stolen scene from The Hobbit. And please, if you feel offended by my blatant and satirical gamer tags because they are too similar to yours, please do not leave a polite comment. Instead, rage to my inbox about how I am an insult to gamer culture and rave on about how sweaty scrubs like me could never last in a Crucible match for more than a second. Thanks :)