"Nghn", Lucifer said, opening his eyes dazedly. His neck hurt like hell. He sat upright slowly, rubbing his neck. Well, he'd slept. That was a first. All the other nights he could recall were a blur of waking up covered in cold sweat, fragments of nightmares at the edge of his conciousness.
His eyes caught a folded piece of paper on the table, his name written on the top. He picked it up and took a look. Went to work. Didn't want to wake you. Looked like you could use the sleep. It was signed simply with Chloe. Lucifer sighed. The whole point of moving in with her had been to spend time with the detective. She'd been the first thing in his life that actually made sense. Everything else just seemed so unreal.
The more people told him about his life, his past, the more confused he got. He simply couldn't align the picture the others had painted of him with how he saw himself. True, he had lost recollection of the experiences that had shaped that man, but surely his personality, his self-image couldn't have been altered so drastically? And then there was that whole devil thing. Had he really believed himself to be the devil or was that some elaborate charade? It was a scary thought. If the old him was truly convinced that he's the devil, that meant he was insane. Would he go insane again if he recovered his memories? He rubbed his hands over his eyes. These were exactly the kind of thoughts he'd hoped to escape by moving here.
He sighed and got up to make himself breakfast.
Lucifer stared at the plate in front of him, brooding. How was it that he remembered how to prepare a full English breakfast, well, an English breakfast limited by the ingredients available in Chloe's kitchen, but couldn't recall any single important moment of his life?
Maze stumbled into the kitchen, startling him. She regarded him bleary-eyed, clearly taken by surprise as well. She looked like she had quite the night out. Maze avoided meeting his eyes, and abruptly turned around to leave.
"Have I done something to offend you?" He hadn't meant to be quite so blunt, but the words slipped out before he could stop them.
Maze froze, then turned around again slowly. "What?" She furrowed her brow, the confusion evident on her face.
"You seem to be angry with me." He hadn't meant to sound so hurt, either.
"What? No!" Her honest befuddlement was somehow endearing.
"Well, can we at least agree that you might have been avoiding me? A little?"
Maze threw her arms up theatrically. "Why does everything have to be so damn complicated all the time nowadays? Things used to be so easy."
"Tell me about it", he agreed, smiling woefully. "You said before that we've known each other for a very long time. May I ask how long?"
"All my life", she replied.
He thought that she must be exaggerating, but she sounded quite serious.
"Wow", he said, trying to imagine what it would be like to have a lifetime of memories with somebody that the other person didn't recall.
"Linda said it's likely that some or even all of my memories will return with time", he reassured her.
Maze stepped closer, a calculating expression on her face. "Maybe if I hit you over the head really hard, you'll return to normal?", she deadpanned.
He couldn't, for the life of him, tell whether she was joking or not.
"Best not to tempt fate", he replied with a nervous smile.
She shrugged, scrutinizing him. "You seem to be happier now, anyway."
It was hidden well, but he still detected the hurt behind the words. So that was the crux of the problem, he thought. Not that he'd forgotten everything they had experienced together, but that he'd forgotten everything they'd done together, everything about her, and was happier than before.
He took a deep breath. There was something he'd meant to ask but hadn't worked up the courage to do so far. Well, no time like the present.
"Did I really believe that I'm the devil? Or is that whole thing some elaborate- I don't know- joke?"
Maze took a moment to answer, clearly weighing her words carefully. "You're not insane if that's what you're worried about."
He let out a relieved breath. "So it is some sort of play-acting? But why? Who would want to be the devil?"
"Oh, he's not that bad, once you get to know him", Maze said, smiling.
She really was impossible to read. Was she joking? Did she actually think that he's the devil?
He gave her another nervous smile. Her answering grin was quite the opposite, confident and all teeth. She turned around abruptly and left, leaving him feeling slightly uneasy in the empty kitchen. He decided that he needed some air, badly.
Chloe returned to her desk, carrying a stack of files. She sighed. Since Lucifer came into her life, the amount of paper work she needed to do on a daily basis seemed to have magically quadrupled. She wondered if it was because he helped her to close cases faster, thus causing her to spend less time in the field or if it was because he got them into tons of trouble on a regular basis, which she then had to creatively explain away in her reports. Maybe it was a bit of both.
She looked up and was surprised to see him sitting at her desk. Speak of the devil. Maybe he was returning to his old ways, showing up out of the blue like that. Lucifer stood up and smiled at her nervously, and it suited him so much better than the lecherous grin that was usually glued to his face.
"I thought you were supposed to rest?" His smile grew a bit more confident at her playful tone.
"Have you ever known me to do as I'm told?" He waited a beat, then went on, "No, seriously, have you? I wouldn't know."
She gave him a warm smile. "As much as I'd like to chat with you, I've got work to do", she dropped the impressive pile of files on her desk with a thud, "and until you've been cleared by the doctors, I'm afraid you can't consult on any cases."
He regarded the stack of files as if they were something poisonous that might try to bite him at any moment. It was so much like the old Lucifer that Chloe had to laugh.
"I see your opinion of paper work hasn't changed."
He looked up from her desk to meet her eyes, smiling, clearly delighted at having caused her to laugh. It was a soft smile, visible much more in his eyes than anywhere else and Chloe was blown away once more by how different it made him look.
"I would endure it to spend time with you", he said, surprising them both with his honesty.
Chloe was taken aback for a moment, unsure how to respond to this new version of Lucifer. Before, it had all been superficial banter, smug remarks, obvious come-ons. Now, it was all much more innocent, yet more real somehow. Dangerous on another level entirely.
"Um", she said.
"Maybe you can take a break before you try to tackle all that", he waved vaguely at the pile on her desk, "and have a coffee with me?"
He was looking at her with such an innocent, hopeful expression that it was impossible for her to deny his request. Damn him and his new-found puppy dog superpowers! Didn't she already have enough to deal with?
"Fine. But just 20 minutes, tops."
And there was that bright smile again. Did he ever stop smiling nowadays? As if she didn't already have a person in her life that got (almost) everything they wanted by being way too adorable. Now she had to deal with this as well.
Chloe looked back and forth between Lucifer's confused expression and the face of the barista, who seemed to be contemplating tearing his clothes off right then and there. Until now, Chloe had always assumed that much of Lucifer's attraction was due to the way he carried himself, his cocky attitude, his unwavering confidence. Well, next to his looks, obviously. And that damn accent of his. But he hadn't even uttered a single word yet and the barista was already regarding him like a tiger seeing juicy piece of meat. Chloe couldn't help but roll her eyes at her behaviour.
She looked back at Lucifer. How did he do it? If it wasn't the accent or the attitude, what was it? It couldn't be just his looks, this was L.A., after all. Yes, he was good-looking, but so was half the city, so why did almost all women immediately succumbed to his charms?
The barista leaned forward over the counter to whisper something in Lucifer's ear. Talk about unprofessional work ethics! The horrified expression on Lucifer's face suggested that he was not amused by whatever she had shared with him. Chloe moved in front of Lucifer, glaring at the barista, who stumbled back a little at the sudden interruption.
She barked their order at the girl, who in turn retreated further behind the counter. When she handed their drinks over a short time later, she was very subdued. Chloe smirked, feeling some sense of smug satisfaction at the change in her behaviour. She refrained from analysing the feeling any further.
When they sat down at one of the tables by the windows, Lucifer seemed pensive.
"Lucifer?"
He turned his head a little as if to check for something behind him, then caught himself and shook his head slightly.
"What?", Chloe inquired.
"It's that name. I've had trouble identifying with it from the start." Seeing Chloe's confused expression, he elaborated, "I was looking behind me to see who you were talking to."
"Ah", Chloe said, dumbfounded. She wondered what it would be like to not feel any connection with her own name.
"Maybe I should change it", Lucifer said thoughtfully.
"What? No!" For some reason that she couldn't quite put her finger on, Chloe was shocked by the suggestion. "What would you even change it to?"
"I don't know." He shook his head, unsure about his plan. "I was thinking some regular bloke's name. Like- Gary."
Chloe snorted, then immediately turned serious again at the wounded look he gave her. "I'm sorry, but that just doesn't suit you at all."
He sighed. "I guess you're right. It was probably just an excuse to disconnect from my former self."
Chloe furrowed her brow. "Lucifer, don't you want your memories to return?"
He looked conflicted and it told Chloe everything she needed to know.
Lucifer raised his hands in a defensive gesture. "It's just all so confusing. What was going on with him? I'm not sure I want to be that man again. From what I know about him, he doesn't seem like a particular nice guy."
He seemed relieved, as if this had been bothering him a long time already and he was glad to get it off his chest and talk about it.
"Lucifer, I've told you before-"
"Yes, I'm a good guy. Believe me, I am thrilled that you think that, but I'm not sure I can share your opinion."
"But-"
"What kind of life did I lead, anyway? Spending all my energy at that club, seducing somebody new every night. What kind of person does that? Doesn't that just seem-" He waved his hand, at a loss for words, "meaningless to you? Shallow?"
Chloe didn't have a reply to that, so she remained silent. Lucifer took a deep breath, and continued.
"Apparently, I didn't have any plans, any ambitions, that reached further than to the mattress in my bedroom", he said, his voice filled with something akin to disgust. "And don't get me started on how I used people who were in trouble by extorting favours from them."
"Lu-"
"And I've been doing some research into my recent past. Apparently, there is a guy I scared to the brink of insanity? How, I have no idea. And why? What sane person would even attempt something like that-"
Chloe put her hands over his, stopping his rambling. He was visibly upset, his breathing quick, his cheeks flushed. She could feel the thunder of his heartbeat at his pulse. This had clearly been gnawing at him.
She spoke very calmly, convinced of the truth in her words. "You decide who you are. If you want to be somebody else, just be somebody else."
He held her eyes, astonished. "But my past-"
"Doesn't define you. Everybody has done things they regret. Believe me. Just do what feels right to you now."
"But what if my memories return? What if I become him again? What happens to me?"
Chloe's head was spinning a little from this discussion. "But you're the same person-"
He withdrew his hands from hers, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "No, we're not." He sounded hurt, and a little scared.
She leaned back, getting frustrated. "I don't know what to say, Lucifer. I want to help you, but I don't know how. This is all such a big mess. I'm so sorry."
Her voice broke a little on the last words, and he picked up on it. Of course he would. His focus immediately shifted away from himself, his expression showing concern. "Chloe? What's wrong?"
The words burst out of her in a rush. "I'm so terribly sorry. This is all my fault. If I had paid better attention, had done my job properly, you would never have gotten hurt. You're a civilian and I should have protected you. I'm sorry."
He uncrossed his arms and reached over the table to put his hands over hers, reversing her earlier gesture. "Chloe. I don't blame you for what happened. I'm sure I was the one who was reckless and didn't listen to you in the first place."
"But-"
"No but's. And besides, if the injury had never happened, I would still be leading the same life. I'm not sure I'd want that. I don't think I was very happy." The last words were spoken so softly that they were almost a whisper. His voice grew confident again with his next words, "So, no more feeling guilty about it. Promise me."
Chloe huffed out a laugh that was dangerously close to a sob. "I don't think that's how it works, Lucifer."
"Promise me."
"Fine. I promise."