Chloe knocked softly on the door to Linda's office, suddenly feeling nervous.
"Come in", she heard from the other side of the door. She did as instructed. Linda looked surprised to see her.
"Chloe! Did we have an appointment?"
Chloe fidgeted around. "No, sorry, I can come by at another time if you're busy."
Linda checked the time on her phone. "Actually my next half hour is free. What's up?"
The detective sat down on the big couch awkwardly. "I wanted to talk about Lucifer."
"You know I cannot reveal any information about a patient. Does he know you're here?"
She shook her head. "I just want to know how to help him."
Linda sighed. "What do you think kept you from telling him you were coming here?"
Chloe shifted around nervously on the couch. "I don't know. I don't think he wants help with getting his memories back. He keeps avoiding the topic."
Linda nodded. "Do you want him to get his memories back?"
She considered the question. "If I'm honest I'm a bit torn. On the one hand, I just keep thinking it would be terrible not to know who I am. I couldn't imagine forgetting about Trixie. I would want people to help me remember."
Linda nodded again. "Yet, for some people it might also be- freeing. A chance to start over. To wipe the slate clean. Free themselves from the weight of the past."
Chloe hesitated for a moment before replying. "I'm afraid my reasons might be a little more selfish."
"Oh? How so?"
She fidgeted around on the couch again, uncomfortable. "I just keep thinking, what if he gets his memories back and doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. Because he's- ah-" She realized she had been about to reveal Lucifer's secret to Linda. "Because he was very different, before. I mean, he- he owns a night club. He lives in a completely different social circle. My life must seem insignificant to him", she finished, having gotten close to the sentiment she'd actually meant to express. Because I'm afraid that I'm just an insignificant mortal whereas he's a goddamn archangel, who's been around pretty much since the beginning of the universe.
A look of realization spread over Linda's face, before she quickly recovered her professional expression. "Before he lost his memories, did he ever give you the impression that your life was insignificant to him?"
"No."
"Then why would it be any different when he recovers them?"
Chloe took a deep breath. What Linda said made perfect sense, yet she couldn't help the dreadful feeling in the pit of her stomach telling her that maybe she and Lucifer were just too different. He was, in a manner of speaking, very much out of her league.
"It's a moot point anyway. He is hell-bent on staying as far away from his past as possible."
"Hm. I see little to no chance for his recovery as long as he himself doesn't want to recover."
"So you think the best thing for me to do would be to try to convince him that he needs his memories back?"
Linda gave that some thought before replying. "In my opinion, the best approach for the time being would be to show him that there were good things in his past as well, that it wasn't all bad. Maybe there are some positive memories you can share with him?"
"I've already tried to jog his memory by telling him about some of our cases together. Maybe there are some other things I could tell him. I'll give it some thought. Thanks, Linda."
Chloe stood up quickly and turned to go.
"You're welcome. Feel free to come talk to me any time."
She nodded gratefully, and all but fled the office. Once she was outside, she took a deep breath. Well, that had gone better than expected. Maybe she should talk to Linda more often. She really was excellent at her job.
Chloe started walking towards her car, thinking back to the conversation with Maze she and Lucifer had last night. Most of the things she'd expected, known in a way. He had the power to draw out people's desires. Duh. She'd seen him do it dozens of times, but had refused to believe what was right in front of her. He was incredibly strong, which, again, she'd seen him throw around grown men like rag dolls, so that really hadn't come as a surprise either.
Then Maze had told them, somewhat reluctantly, that he used to be invulnerable but that had changed recently. She'd refused to give them any more details, saying this was really more Lucifer's secret to reveal and that things were complicated, whatever that was supposed to mean. She'd added that Chloe had better protect him properly from now on, and Chloe had felt a stab of guilt at the reminder that this whole thing was her fault.
Even if he figured out how to control his wings, it would probably take some time before she could take him on cases with her again. She just wasn't ready to put him in harm's way again. Which was a little ridiculous, given who he was, but she really couldn't help having the strange feeling of needing to protect him. An immortal archangel.
She sighed. Could he ever really be happy without knowing himself? Living in denial was always only a temporary fix. She was sure his past would come back to haunt him, like it had that first night at her apartment. No, she would have to put her own fears aside and help him recover his memories. It was the right thing to do.
She opened the door to her apartment that evening to be greeted by the most wonderful smell. Somebody was cooking dinner. And doing a damn fine job of it. She went to have a look and found Lucifer and Trixie at the kitchen counter, staring at a piece of paper that was presumably a recipe. Looking at the matching expressions of intent concentration on their faces you could have thought they were diffusing a bomb.
"Mom! We're making dinner. It's gonna be fantastic!"
"Yes, I can see that, monkey. Smells marvelous."
Trixie grinned proudly at her, while Lucifer gave her a shy smile. There really was no other word for it. Shy. It gave him a sweet, boyish look. She should be expecting this new side of him by now, but it still threw her off balance. It was such a stellar opposite to his old cocky attitude. She thought again how it suited him much better.
Maze was out hunting down a bounty, so they had dinner without her. And it tasted as good as she'd hoped. Apparently, Lucifer was still a great cook, even without his memories. Trixie told them about her day, and Lucifer asked her questions, and the whole thing was so very normal it made her heart ache, because she wanted it so much. For Trixie. For herself. For Lucifer.
Trixie asked if Lucifer could read her a bedtime story tonight and instead of the look of panic that she would have expected in the past, he seemed to be delighted by the request.
"Gladly." He gave Chloe another shy smile and she decided that this new Lucifer was gonna be the death of her. "Only if it's fine with your mother, of course."
"Sure. Go ahead." Trixie smiled brightly and Chloe felt another stab in her chest. What if this is only temporary? What happens when he gets his memories back?
"I'll go brush my teeth and get ready for bed", Trixie announced and rushed off. Chloe couldn't believe her ears. She tried to recall the last time Trixie had suggested to go brush her teeth.
"She's a great kid", Lucifer said, smiling.
"That she is", Chloe agreed. Trixie ran past them on her way to her bedroom, probably having brushed her teeth for all of 30 seconds. Chloe smiled, deciding to let it slide this time, seeing how excited she was to have Lucifer read her a story.
Lucifer stood up, suddenly looking very nervous, as if the idea of reading a bedtime story to Trixie was somehow intimidating. Like it was very important to him to get it right. She felt a sudden, inexplicable urge to protect him. Keep him hidden away here in her apartment forever, where nobody could hurt him ever again. She shook her head, pushing the silly thought from her mind.
Chloe leaned against the door frame, watching Lucifer read what must already be the fifth story. He really had a knack for accents, giving every character their own voice. Trixie listened, captivated, fighting a loosing battle with sleep.
Her eyes fell shut before he reached the end of the story. He regarded her for a moment, smiling. Then he stood up and noticed Chloe watching him. He smiled at her nervously, cocking his head to the side, his expression questioning. It seemed he wanted to know if he'd done well, if she approved. She gave him a reassuring smile. They seemed to do that a lot these days, smile. Maybe things weren't all bad.
They left Trixie's bedroom, Lucifer going to sit on the couch, while Chloe went off to retrieve something. She returned with a heavy leather-bound book and he gave her a questioning glance. She placed it on the table, opening it on the first page.
"My mother gave me this as a gift when Trixie was born." She pointed to the first picture on the page, showing a small, delicate newborn. "She's only a couple of hours old in this picture."
"She's so tiny", Lucifer said, voice filled with awe, and Chloe couldn't help but smile again. There was another picture on the opposite side of a minuscule hand holding Chloe's index finger. Trixie had indeed been unbelievably tiny.
She turned the page and there was a picture of her, Dan and Trixie. She and Dan were smiling brightly at the camera, overjoyed, and Chloe suddenly had to fight down tears. Damn it. That's not what she had wanted to show him. She took a deep breath, and turned the page.
Lucifer was looking at her now instead of the book, concern evident on his face. "Everything okay?"
She nodded, not trusting her voice enough to reply.
They looked at the entire photo album together, Chloe telling him stories to some of the pictures. There was the photo she'd taken when Trixie had pulled herself up on the bars of her cot for the very first time, looking entirely gleeful and very pleased with herself. The pictures of her first birthday party, which was probably the origin story of her chocolate cake obsession. Trixie dressing up as Spiderman for Halloween. Her first day of school.
Lucifer seemed to be fascinated. He didn't ask once why the hell they were looking at pictures from Trixie's childhood in the first place, which was the first question she'd expected. Instead, he kept asking her about the pictures, listening intently to her stories.
They reached the last page and she closed the book slowly. Well, that had certainly been a trip down memory lane.
"There's a reason you showed me this, isn't there?", Lucifer inquired quietly beside her. He didn't sound upset about her having an ulterior motive, simply curious.
"I've been thinking about what happened to you. I imagined if it had been me, if I had lost-" She gestured vaguely to the book on the table. "-if I had lost everything. I would want it back. Even the bad parts. Even splitting up with Dan. Even my father's-" She stopped, taking a deep breath. "-even my father's death. Because you can only have the good parts with the bad. Because that would be the only way to also remember his life. And who he was to me. And I would want people to help me remember because I wouldn't know anymore what I had lost."
Lucifer was silent for a long time. "You want me to try to remember?", he asked, his voice dark.
"There must be good memories-"
"Good memories?", he interrupted, voice dripping with sarcasm. "I was cast out of Heaven. Send to hell. I- I must have tortured people-" There was pure agony on his face now, and Chloe regretted being the cause of it, even with good intentions. "There is nothing good about my past."
Chloe spoke very quietly when she replied. "I'm a part of your past."
He looked at her, shocked. "I- I didn't mean to say that I don't want to remember you. I just-" He gestured helplessly with his hand, on the brink of tears.
"I know you didn't", she reassured him, "I just wanted to remind you that there are good things in your past. I hope I'm a good thing." She smiled, and held up a hand when he started to speak. "Let me finish. There must be good things in your past. You just don't remember them. And even if there is a lot of bad stuff, your past is a part of you. I meant what I said when I told you it doesn't have to define you. You decide who you are. But I know for a fact that you are no coward. And right now, you're running away. And don't think I'm judging you for that, because God knows, if I had found out I was the devil I'd probably be doing the exact same thing, because that is just so much to take in. But I want you to be happy. And I don't think you can ever really be happy if you don't address this. Work it out. Somehow. I- I just want you to know that I'm here for you. Wings or no wings. Memories or no memories. I'm not going anywhere, okay?"
Lucifer took a shuddering breath, then another. He was silent for a long time. "Thank you", he said finally, voice rough with emotion. "Thank you. I really appreciate what you're trying to do. What you've already done for me. I'm just- I'm not ready yet. I need more time to- to get over all of-" He pointed in the direction of his back, indicating his wings. "-all of that."
"Of course." Chloe nodded, taking a hold of his hands, giving them a reassuring little squeeze. "Of course."