Lucifer took a deep breath, running his hands through his hair.
"We don't have to do this if you don't want to", Chloe said, and meant it.
Lucifer shook his head. "I want to do it."
Linda nodded. "Then let's go through the logistics one last time. You'll lie down on the bed, eyes closed. I won't use hypnosis, but I will try to put you in a receptive state. Then Amenadiel will be the first to talk to you about your youth, and the time before your fall. Then Maze will tell you her story, about what happened afterwards. The last to help you reclaim your past will be Chloe, talking about your time together here. If at any point you feel you cannot or don't want to continue, just say so, and we'll stop immediately. I'm certain parts of this will be painful for you, and I think it is very brave of you to attempt to do this. My hope is that by the end of it, your memory will have been triggered enough for you to recover most, or even all of it. For the people who will be doing the talking, keep in mind that emotion is key in memory recall. The stronger the emotions associated with the events you describe, the likelier it is that this will be succesful. Does anybody still have any questions?"
"I want Chloe to be here the entire time", Lucifer said firmly, like this was not up for discussion. Amenadiel tried anyway.
"I don't think that's a good idea, brother. The things I will talk about, they are not meant for mortals to hear. It would be better-"
"I want Chloe to be here the entire time", he repeated, and there was an authority and finality in his voice that Chloe hadn't heard since he lost his memories. Amenadiel nodded, conceding the point.
Linda had chosen Chloe's apartment as the best location for their attempt at restoring Lucifer's memories, arguing that it was the place he felt most comfortable, most at home at the moment. It was important that he was as relaxed and receptive as possible in order for this to have any chance at success.
Lucifer took off his shoes, and lay down on Chloe's bed, crossing his hands in front of his chest. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Linda sat down next to him, going through some breathing and meditation routines with him, to put him in the right state of mind. Chloe sat down on the floor, trying to be as invisible as possible, not wanting to interfere with what was going to happen. Amenadiel sat down in the chair that Linda had placed at the foot of the bed, looking tense.
When Linda was done, she and Maze left the room. The door closed behind them and there was silence for a moment. Then Amenadiel started talking, slowly at first, gaining more confidence as he went on.
"You were born the youngest of many, many, siblings. From the start, you asked us questions about everything. You were never satisfied with any answer we gave you. You were always different, in some way. Back then, I just couldn't understand your refusal to accept things as they were. Our world was ordered. Meaningful. Beautiful. Peaceful. Everybody knew and accepted their place in the bigger scope of things.
And then you came along, questioning everything, including father. Now, I've always believed, and still believe, that you hold a special place in his heart. Of all of us, you were always the one with the most humanity. The one who was most like the mortals he was so enamoured with. Just like them, you too wanted to know everything. Just like them, you wanted nothing more than to be free. And he loved you because of that, but it angered him at the same time. I don't know. It's difficult to know with him. I don't claim to understand him.
For such a long time, I believed your rebellion to be selfish, and arrogant. That you simply didn't want to do the tasks that father bestowed upon you. That you somehow thought you were better than the rest of us. I've given it a lot of thought recently, and I've come to realize that maybe I was wrong. You asked him a question. Why do they have free will, and we don't? And you asked it, because you believed that free will was a right. A right that you wanted for all of us, not just for yourself.
We always fought, from the very start. We disagreed on everything it was possible to disagree on. I looked down on you, brother. I regarded you with disgust and hatred, because of what you did. It is I who was arrogant. It is I who failed you, I see that now."
He stopped, taking a deep breath.
"Apologies. I'm veering off topic. This is not about me. Linda said it would be easier for you to reconnect with your past if it was associated with strong emotions. So let me talk about that. I don't think you were ever happy in the Silver City. You were never content. At least, not like the rest of us. You were always searching for something else, something different, something more. When you started the rebellion, I don't believe your intent was for anybody to get hurt, least of all father. You simply didn't see any other way to get his attention, to make him understand that you couldn't march on and be the obedient soldier he wanted you to be.
And he was so furious with you. Unlike anything I've ever seen before, or after. You've made it clear to me many times afterwards that you think he doesn't care about you. I think it's quite the opposite. He cares very much, which is why your betrayal hurt him so deeply. You two are alike in many ways. Stubborn. Passionate. Arrogant, to a degree. Willing to fight to the bitter end when you believe you are right. Really bad at talking about your feelings, too. Well, not that I'm any better, mind you. I guess all of this applies to me as well. I've just come to wonder recently, after spending more time with Linda, how much of what happened could have been avoided if we'd just been better at talking to each other."
He cleared his throat self-consciously, wondering how the hell he'd ended up pouring his heart out to Lucifer, of all people.
"Anyway, I hope this can help you become yourself again. I- I'm sorry, Luci, for letting you down. You're my little brother and I should have done a better job of protecting you."
He hesitated for a moment, then he stood up and quickly left the room. He opened and closed the door quietly, then there was complete silence. Chloe looked at Lucifer, unshed tears welling in her eyes. He hadn't moved, hadn't so much as made a sound as Amenadiel told his story. She wondered if he was already back to his old self, if he already remembered all the pain and suffering from his past.
Maze came into the room, interrupting her train of thought. She sat down in the chair, arms crossed in front of her chest, looking very uncomfortable.
"Okay, listen, this is how this is going to go down, I'll give you the facts of what happened and we'll see if it jostles something in that messed-up head of yours, but don't expect me to lay out how I feel about any of it, alright? Okay. I was created as the first of my kind. The head torturer of hell. And I loved my job. I was very good at it, too. Mortals are incredibly creative when it comes to creating their own punishments, but I prided myself on always finding the cherry on top of their guilt sundae that made things just that tiny bit more unbearable for them.
You never seemed to have that much interest in torture. I guess you always saw it more as a job that needed to be done. Evil had to be punished. And really, there was nothing else to do. Maybe you didn't like it on principle, because it was a task given to you by your father. I have no idea. It's not like we ever talked about anything. You sometimes gave me orders, and that was it. You spend most of your time down there wallowing in self pity. Of course, I'd never have told you that, back then. You didn't really take well to criticism. I guess you felt you could do your job best if everybody feared you. And I think you were right.
Hell is no place for weaklings. Or cowards. We all understood that. But you weren't that bad of a boss. If we did our job, you left us alone. You were never cruel to me, or any of the other demons, just for the sake of being cruel. I respected you. I would have followed you anywhere, fought anybody for you. You always had this thing about you that made us want to follow you. Or maybe that was just built into us from the start.
When you talked, it was always about your father. I felt inspired by the ferocity of your hatred towards him. You talked about how you'd been wronged, vilified, and how you would make him pay for what he did to you some day. And still you continued doing the job he'd given you. I'm not really sure what made you up and leave the place, in the end. Maybe you were bored. Maybe you thought you could be free among the mortals.
I guess, all things considered, I'm happy you took me with you. I could have done without cutting your wings off though. That was pretty gruesome."
She stopped apruptly, apparently at the end of her story, and waited for a reply from Lucifer. He didn't show any reaction. After a moment, she looked at Chloe, shrugging her shoulders in a so, what now? gesture. Chloe shrugged her own shoulders in reply.
Maze glared at the two of them, then stood up. "Well, that was a waste of time", she said, then walked out, closing the door behind her with a bang.
Chloe sighed, then stood up. She didn't walk over to the chair, instead she sat down on the edge of the bed, regarding Lucifer. He was still lying motionless on the bed. She wondered again who he would be when he'd finally open his eyes.
"We first met at Lux. I questioned you about a girl that had been shot. I know, I've told you this story before, but last time, I didn't include my impression of you. Let me rectify that. I guess I was intrigued by you from the very start. You seemed like an immature, self-absorbed, arrogant playboy, who shamelessly flirted with everything that moved, and didn't care about anybody other than himself. But it struck me that, at the same time, you seemed to genuinely care about the murder victim. You wanted to find her killer and make him pay for what he did. And I just couldn't, for the life of me, figure out how those two sides of you fitted together.
You never stopped surprising me. And I don't mean because of all the weird stuff that kept happening around you. No, you consistently surprised me with how much you cared. You spend so much time and energy creating that shallow, uncaring playboy, yet you showed me time and again that that's not who you really are.
I was always amazed how well we worked together, in spite of being very different people with a very different outlook on life. Sure, your blatant disregard for protocol was a constant pain for me to work with, but you brought so much to our work, our partnership, to make up for that many times over. You always have my back. You've put yourself in harm's way again and again to protect me. It's what got us into this whole mess in the first place, right?"
Chloe stopped, taking a deep breath, picking her next words carefully.
"But it's not just the work. You brought so much to my life, and Trixie's. Things I didn't even know I was missing until I met you. You just made everything better. More fun. Lighter. Less serious. And I needed that in my life.
I really appreciate that you told me the truth from the beginning, even though I couldn't bring myself to believe you. Well, not after shooting you, at least. I haven't told you that story yet, have I? It was early on in our partnership. I was trying to figure out what your deal was. How you managed to draw out people's desires. How you could scare suspects into incoherent sobbing wrecks in mere seconds. How you managed to throw a grown man through a room with barely an effort. All of these things kept bothering me, and then I saw a reflection of something. A different face.
You kept telling me to shoot you, so that I would finally believe you. You were very insistent. And so I did it. Thank God, I still had enough sense to only shoot you in the leg. You bled. And you seemed so genuinely baffled about it. I thought at the time that you were shocked that I had fallen for your ruse so completely that I would actually shoot you. Now, I think you were truly surprised that I could actually hurt you. Which means, already back then, you wanted me to have definite proof of who you are. You wanted me to know the whole truth, even if it might cost you our partnership, our friendship.
I think that was not an easy decision for you to make. At least I hope that what we have meant a lot to you, means a lot to you, as well. And still you were willing to risk everything, because you wanted to be completely honest with me. You never lied to me. I trust you. With my life. Trusting someone is a big deal for me. I don't let my walls down easily. But I feel I can be vulnerable with you. I can be myself with you. I'm-"
She hesitated again, holding her breath for a moment, then blowing it out slowly. She regarded Lucifer, lying on the bed, somehow managing to look small, and vulnerable. He'd always been honest with her. Now it was time for her to be honest with him. And herself.
"-I'm happy when I'm with you. You make me laugh. You make everything easier. You are great with Trixie. Even before all of this, she always liked you. And I just- I want you to be happy too. To know that your past doesn't matter to me, that you can be yourself with me as well, that I won't judge you or look down on you, that I'm not going anywhere because I-"
She closed her eyes, taking another deep breath, working up the courage for what she wanted to say next.
"-because I love you."
She kept her eyes closed, suddenly afraid. What if he didn't feel the same way? What if she had just screwed everything up? What if she had made an utter fool of herself?
She heard the rustling of the sheets as Lucifer slowly sat up next to her. She finally got up the nerve to open her eyes, and gasped. Lucifer sat on the bed, regarding her. What she saw might have been in part due to her anxieties, her overactive imagination, her fear of what would happen once Lucifer got his memories back.
She looked into his eyes and for the first time she saw everything. He let her see everything. Looking back at her wasn't the man she'd come to know over the last couple of weeks. Not even the man she'd known before the accident. Looking back at her was a being as old as time, ancient, divine, not of this world. In that moment, he looked incredibly old, and tired. She felt as if there was suddenly an immeasurable distance separating them. That even though he was close enough for her to touch, he was now out of her reach entirely.