Saving the world the right way

by paxbanana

All Sarah wants is to get Yara and Lev out of Seattle, but Ellie's arrival royally screws that plan. Ellie isn't content with just surviving anymore. Spoilers for the second trailer for The Last of Us Part II.

2. Liar

Sometimes in the midst of chaos, a question broke through all thought and deafened everything else: What the fuck are you doing, Ellie?

The question came out in Joel's voice, and Elle found it as hard to answer the Joel in her head as it had been to answer the living, breathing Joel. That question had snapped out at her so many times in the last two weeks, grinding in the agonizing weight of her lies. Even when she forgot the lies, she never lost the guilt.

It had been a punch to the gut when Sarah asked her if she was so adamant to save the girls or avenge Joel. She didn't know why she'd said Joel had been killed. Maybe she'd thought it would make Sarah more likely to help her. It was such a half-assed lie that Ellie forgot it half the time. That Sarah thought Joel had been killed by those fanatic fuckers…

Even in half-sleep, Ellie felt the pull of nausea. How the fuck had Joel lived all these years holding onto his lie about the Fireflies? She hadn't realized how heavy it was.

Knowing some part of his lie was steeped in truth made it all worse for her now. Turns out there's a whole lot more like you, Ellie. Ain't done a damn bit of good neither. Truth, or part truth. The only lie had been that the Fireflies stopped looking for a cure. And that final lie that Ellie had needed to live with living.

Ellie rolled over on the cot, too worried to fully sleep.

When she'd arrived in Seattle, she'd suddenly woken up from the wave of rage that had pulled her in its wake. She had no idea where to go or how to do what she needed to do, only that she wanted to kill people doing it. Lev had been right when he'd told her to jump off the roof if she just wanted to kill herself, but at the time, Ellie only saw her way forward by dying for a noble cause. How noble was it to die for revenge though? She wanted to go back in time and shake herself awake, start over with the truth and the right motivation.

Yara and Lev were good kids, strong and steady and calm. Ellie had been shaken to her core by David, but both those kids had lived through worse and emerged steely-eyed and firm in their morality. They were the perfect kids for Sarah. She took to them like Joel had taken to Ellie, except Sarah and her kids were better as a whole than Ellie and Joel could ever be.

And Sarah. The name fit into a cutout Ellie had started constructing as soon as she heard the low Texan twang that lengthened her vowels and softened the consonants. The murmur of 'easy' had raised the hair on Ellie's arms, and it had nearly made her lower her pistol. That accent had made her follow Sarah. Hell, maybe it still did.

What Ellie didn't get was why Sarah followed her straight into hell.

The memory of that massive bearded man charging her with his fatty flesh pulped from her shotgun shell made her gut turn over again. Her fear had crystallized when she realized she'd been out of ammo and he'd still been standing. The fat fuck was going to kill her before he bled out. His intent was never in question, and she'd been afraid of him despite herself.

He wasn't David, but he had been someone else's David. What had Yara called him? The Bright Lord or Bright Prophet. Something like that. One of the men Ellie had chased into the mess hall had shouted, "Ezekiel!" It was no easier putting that name on the fat bearded man than 'Bright Prophet'.

Sarah had charged into that chaotic fight just as Ellie needed her and cut his arm and head off in one fucking blow. It had been beautiful and visceral, and Ellie wasn't sure how she felt about the look of rage on Sarah's face as she'd swung her blade. Terrified? Turned on?

"Ellie."

Ellie jerked awake as if she'd never been asleep in the first place. Yara flinched back as if afraid of Ellie's reaction, but Ellie had lost her instinct to grab her switchblade for protection the moment she woke. Jackson had made her soft. She rubbed her eyes and rolled her shoulders as she sat up. The lockup cot was kinder on her back than the hide's hard floor had been, but she was still god-awful sore.

"What?"

"Sarah wants to divide supplies."

Inventory, of course. Ellie hoped Sarah had slept better than she did. The woman didn't seem to need sleep. Ellie's entire body ached from the day prior, but she figured she could help Sarah count shit. Sarah seemed to live by counting shit. She'd counted pills, cans, water weight, fanatics, infected, and Fireflies every day since Ellie met her. Counting was a lot easier than the other thoughts bouncing around in her head.

Yara led Ellie to an office, not a locked door. Inside, Sarah leaned against an old desk with her keys splayed out on the hardwood. Sometime in the night, Sarah had bathed; Ellie wasn't prepared for how pretty she was. Her lips were naturally pursed, her lashes dark, her eyes a bright, clear clue, and her straight blond hair neatly pulled back in a braid.

When Ellie managed to pay attention to her surroundings again, she realized what this place could have been. There was an old map on one wall with lots of marks on it. On the other wall was a huge list of materials. A clean deer skull sat on a shelf.

"Yours?"

"It was." Sarah opened a drawer on the desk. She pulled out old military dog tags and draped the chain over her head. Ellie watched the flex of the muscles on her arms as Sarah tucked it under her shirt alongside her Firefly pendant. Sarah wore her old undershirt, the one with the sleeves cut off. She was bruised and had lots of superficial cuts, but Ellie didn't see any serious wounds.

"Anything else in here?"

"Whiskey. I'm not sure it's worth its weight."

"Fuck yeah, it's worth the weight."

Sarah offered something that Ellie identified as a smile. Sarah didn't smile big; she was like Joel in that too. Joel definitely left his mark on her. On her sharp-eyed looks, her distrust, those pale steady eyes—though Joel's eyes could look brown or green depending on the light—and the barely discernible accent. Sarah had Joel's memory. She also had his strength, loyalty, and steadiness. She was all the good parts of Joel magnified.

She definitely had his arms too, Ellie thought with a quirk of humor.

Never once had Ellie reconciled the photograph of child Sarah with the woman Sarah would be as an adult. She'd always thought of her as a perpetual or everlasting child, the promise for the future or a monument to the past. Yet Sarah grew up just like the rest of them. Ellie had never imagined the scrawny little girl could become this strong, hard woman.

As Ellie followed Sarah to the supply room, she wondered what Joel would say. He was steady in Sarah's death. He had been since he'd taken Ellie back to Jackson. He talked about her freely to this day and had probably constructed a happy what-if family with Ellie and Sarah playing best friends. He probably never thought of Sarah as a soldier. A Firefly. How fucking ironic—or fitting, maybe.

Firefly or not, Sarah cared about all the right things. Except maybe her numbers.

"You have a thing for counting."

"OCD can be helpful for survival," Sarah muttered as she unlocked the heavy door. She shook her flashlight to illuminate rows and rows of stored food organized onto old metal shelving. Sarah swept it around the room and released a slow breath. "Those idiots. They wouldn't have survived winter at this rate."

Instead of starting her inventory, Sarah went to the back of the room, plucked a can from the shelf, and opened it with an old can-opener. She held it out to Ellie. "Cheers."

"What is it?"

Before Sarah responded, Ellie smelled fruit and sugar, and she sipped the juice that bubbled up to the edge. She moaned at the second taste and had trouble stopping herself. She sucked the syrup, drew a soft, sweet piece of flesh into her mouth and was completely diverted.

"Canned cherry."

"Fuck," she whispered, taking another suck before she held the can back out to Sarah. Sarah smiled and scooped fruit out with her fingers. "Better than whiskey, isn't it?"

They had a few cherry trees in Jackson, but the fruit they produced had to be stewed down to be edible. Otherwise, they were too sour to sit on the stomach well. "That's fantastic."

"Ever had it before?"

"No. We have apples, strawberries, and sour cherries. And I've had old canned peaches."

"We have apples. And blackberries and blueberries."

"Jesus." Ellie's mouth watered at the thought of those new fruits.

"Think of it as incentive on the road."

Ellie tried not to watch as Sarah licked her fingers clean. She also tried not to remember the feeling of Sarah's tongue in her mouth. They still had to get out of here alive and that memory definitely didn't help her focus.

Sarah sent Ellie out with the rest of that can and another for the others. The cult survivors were wide-eyed as they sampled the canned cherries, and it didn't take more than five minutes before every drop was gone.

"Sugar," Sarah replied pragmatically when Ellie returned. "Glucose feeds the brain, and that makes the brain happy. And the vitamins. A, C, some E, K, and B."

Ellie understood about a quarter of that. It was like talking to Jackson's doc, who took care of the animals and humans both with varying success. Doc always joked it was easier to let animals die when you knew you'd get a meal out of it. "Didn't know fruit spelled."

Sarah smiled softly at the joke. She'd already made discrete stacks of cans while Ellie had been gone. Ellie glanced over them. There were fifteen small stacks and one large one.

"Who's carrying the extra?"

"I will."

"Last I checked, you're not a horse."

"You're all about a hundred pounds each. I can carry more. The kids get the least, and you and Lev will carry more than Yara. It equals out."

"With the stuff you're getting from the hide?"

"It can be divided up later, but we need everything we can carry. That means I carry a lot." She paused and looked over her shoulder. "The watch and picture are there. I'll bring them back."

A sharp reminder of Ellie's guilt. "Sure. They're yours now."

Sarah gave her a long direct look before she turned back to her task. Ellie was diverted by Sarah, who called out numbers and items for Ellie to gather from the shelves. As they worked, Ellie decided what they really needed were horses. Ellie regretted the horse she'd stolen from Jackson. She'd named him Cowlick a few years ago. She'd chosen him because he was steady and sweet; she'd killed him by doing that. He'd pulled up completely lame deep in Washington, and there was nothing she could do but kill him and eat him.

"Got any horses?" she finally asked.

"No way to feed them."

"They eat grass," she quipped. Sarah's glare was as sharp as Joel's. Ellie pursed her lips and moved on. "How about a car?"

Sarah shook her head. "Ran out of gas four years ago. We ate our last cow three years ago. Been eating venison, old beans, and the fruit we could collect since then."

"Too bad. Guess you have to be our horse."

"Guess so. Neigh," she muttered. Ellie stifled her laugh, which earned a rare grin.

Sarah continued sorting for a few more minutes: soap, food, water jug, matches, knife with flint and compass, sleeping bag, flashlight. All the most important stuff went into heavy-duty plastic bags. Then they packed everything neatly into rucksacks. Ellie found gas masks for each bag too. She considered an assault rifle, but one would be ten pounds on top of her overloaded pack. Her pistol and bow would have to do in a pinch.

Each of the rescued came in to be fitted to socks, boots, wool jackets, hat, and a heavy waterproof coat. They sat quietly at attention as Sarah went over necessities.

"Keep those feet healthy and dry. Always have a buddy. Buddy up for everything, including relieving yourself." Sarah went over what to do if they saw infected, keeping watch, and how and when to get off the road quickly.

There were ten girls, all of whom were in their teens. A few had minor injuries from the fight the day before. Ellie had always imagined the girls to be brainwashed and docile, but when Yara had boosted Lev to drop a blade and pipe into the window, the girls had killed their guards—older women and men in one—and unlocked the armory door for Yara and Lev. They'd played a bigger part in their rescue than Sarah or Ellie. If the girls were shaken, they didn't let on, though Sarah got a few nervous looks.

There were two small children too, one boy and one girl, who were maybe six or seven. Younger had escaped before, and knowing that hurt. The kids were called Boaz and Ruth. Sarah's brow furrowed as she watched the kids leave with the older girls.

Sarah rubbed the back of her neck with one hand. Ellie followed the line of her neck, tracking the moving muscles to her strong shoulders before she shook herself enough to realize Sarah had said something. "What?"

"Boaz married Ruth."

There was no way to take that statement except completely fucked up. "They're just babies!"

Sarah explained calmly that all their names originated in what she called Abrahamic religion. "Judaism, Islam, or Christianity. In the Bible, Boaz marries Ruth. It's like they already planned who they'd put together. It's worse knowing everyone's name. Yael, Abigail, Hannah, Leora, Meira, Rachel…"

"What about Lev and Yara?" Privately, Ellie wondered about the names Lia and Naomi.

"I think so too. Hebrew maybe."

"How do you know?"

"Bible school," Sarah said dryly. She shrugged as she tugged a flap down on one rucksack. "The New Mexico military base was limited on reading material. I read and reread the Quran, Hebrew, and Christian Bibles for two years for lack of anything better. Do you know what these people called the young wives?"

"Angels," Ellie answered dully.

Sarah's brow furrowed, and she seemed to wait for more. Ellie didn't bite.

"They break their arms when they're shamed. That's what they did to Yara the night we were thrown together. The next step is crucifixion. Pretty bad way to die already, but adding broken arms is another kind of awful. We shot a few of them for mercy, but then the fanatics moved their choice crucifixion locale." Sarah cupped the front of her throat and rubbed it unconsciously. "Guess my men were lucky to be hanged. Quicker death."

"Fuck them all."

"Makes you hope hell exists, doesn't it?"

Yara interrupted their dark discussion with a more immediate threat. "Lev saw a demon…a runner outside."

If there was one, there were probably more. Ellie glanced at Sarah. "You finish this up, and I'll take care of them."

"Be careful."

That was that; Sarah trusted her with this. Ellie slipped out of the building and listened for the locks go on behind. Yara had only set one lock, not all three. Stupid. Ellie moved quietly, keeping her ears tuned even after her eyes adjusted to the gray of coming morning. She moved between buildings, eventually finding three runners and killing them quietly. They must have slipped through the spot Ellie had used to sneak onto the base prior to the attack.

There was an old rolling dumpster leaned against a building adjacent to the break in the wall. A few years ago, Ellie couldn't have gotten that sucker moving, but wrestling with cows and horses for four years made her sure about her own strength. She set herself on the rough concrete and put her entire body into the shove, and the dumpster began to roll.

It was tough getting through the muddy grass, but she had the benefit of an incline, and the dumpster thumped against the wall, covering the crack. The infected took notice of the shrieking thump of metal on concrete and chain link fence. There was at least one clicker outside, and it screamed in rage, shoving a warped hand through the small gap. Ellie gasped and jumped back despite being well out of range.

Hell, she hoped she hadn't just fucked up. She cast around for anything she could throw and snatched up an old bottle. She wound up and sent it sailing north of the gap. Glass shattered when it hit something hard on that side of the wall, and the clicker's shriek moved in that direction.

When Ellie got back to the armory, she was soaked in sweat.

"Okay," she told Lev, who opened the door for her. He said, "Sarah wants you."

I wish.

That fucking kiss. Ellie wanted to forget it on one hand. She wanted to forget her reaction and forget what the kiss had interrupted her from saying. I'm sorry. I lied to you about Joel.

Ellie had only ever kissed Riley, and they'd just been horsing around. Sarah knew how to kiss, and Ellie bet Sarah knew how to do a lot of other things she was curious about. She went hot and cold at once remembering the sweep of Sarah's tongue and her slow, confident grin after the kiss.

The kiss didn't mean anything. At least, it probably didn't mean anything to Sarah. It sure as hell meant a lot to Ellie. She'd finally been able to experience being really kissed by a woman. There were no other girls in Jackson like her, and Ellie had pretended not to care for a long time. There had been no one who interested her enough to overcome her uncertainly about infecting someone or propositioning. Then she met Sarah, who had all that knowledge about what dangers Ellie's immunity didn't pose. Sarah opened up a whole new world of possibilities in more ways than one.

Except the kiss didn't mean anything. And even if it did, Ellie didn't deserve it.

"Okay?" Sarah asked her when she walked into the storage room.

"Yeah. Just three runners."

Sarah took it like she took all her bad news: with a calm nod. "Good job. Sit down."

Ellie did as told, but she pulled back when Sarah reached for her shoes. "What the fuck?!"

"If you want to carry them, do it, but you need better shoes." Sarah turned Ellie's shoes over in her hands and shook them. The sole clapped against the shoe. "Converse. I had a green pair."

Sarah peeled off Ellie's socks and dried her feet. She handed Ellie clippers, which had been her routine with the girls too. "Cut your toenails." It felt good to get her nails down close, and the clippers were easier than a knife. Sarah scrubbed her feet with soap and water, and Ellie tried not to read anything into the intimacy of Sarah kneeling at her feet. Sarah, ever detached, studied the calluses and the two blisters that had raised on Ellie's heel. She rolled two pairs of socks over Ellie's feet and had her settle into new military boots before lacing them tighter than Ellie was used to.

Ellie sat up to put her feet on the floor. She couldn't feel the floor through the soles. "They're heavy."

"You'll get used to it. Better support and warmer. Waterproof. Not ideal to break in boots on the first day of a trip, but we don't have an alternative."

"Ooh-rah." Ellie pulled on the wool sweater and coat Sarah set aside for her. She bent over to grab her bag, hefting it with some effort. She wished again they had horses, but she could carry more than the others coming with them.

"Ellie."

She turned back to Sarah, who was clothed and had a heavy pack on her shoulders. "What's up?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what? My shoes were awesome, but I'd rather get back to Jackson with ten toes."

Sarah didn't smile. Her gaze was direct. "I'm sorry for kissing you."

It was really hard not to be crushed by those words. Sarah was sober, and her apology was obviously from the heart. Ellie shrank on herself, drawing her shoulders up in a hard shrug. She had more to be sorry for than Sarah any day. "Don't worry about it."

"Are we good? I don't need you worrying about anything but getting the kids out of here. I know what I said, but don't wait for me. I'll catch up."

Sarah was right: she didn't need to worry about anything but getting back to them. Ellie's truth would have to wait until Sarah got back. Saying it now would only be to make Ellie feel better. "You better. You'll be carrying half our supplies, pack-mule."

Sarah's smile was soft with affection. "Can I hug you?"

This woman was so fucking contrary. Ellie couldn't help but smile even as a blush come over her cheeks. She kept her hands in her pockets and delivered another half shrug. "You don't have to ask."

Sarah drew her close just like that. Ellie settled with her head against Sarah's chest. She gripped Sarah's shirt where it tucked into her pants. She smelled like a woman despite her work, and the rise and fall of her chest was pure comfort. Ellie hadn't felt so safe in someone's arms since the last time she'd hugged Joel. She missed him like a cold prick to her heart and longing to get back to where she was supposed to be. Ellie sighed as Sarah's hand cupped the back of her head.

"Alright." Sarah's voice was uncharacteristically gruff. "Set up by the east gate. You'll hear when I start all the ruckus."

---

Plans rarely worked exactly as envisioned, especially when the plan in question involved a bunch of explosives. Somehow, theirs did. They got out with only a couple infected not drawn to the expositions to the north. Ellie and Lev dispatched the few that threatened them easily enough, but easily didn't mean Ellie's hands didn't shake a few hours after.

According to I-90's mile marker signs, they walked six miles that day, which was the only part that didn't go according to plan. Didn't help that they'd gotten a later start than expected. They took shelter under an old overpass as darkness fell, climbing up the slanted overhang to stay dry. There was no staying warm on the concrete, not even with the bedrolls and coats layered and their little group huddled together for warmth.

Without knowing the infected population or if any more of the fanatics were around, they couldn't risk a fire. Ellie took watch just off the road, sitting behind a concrete barrier with her gun tucked under her sleeve to keep it dry.

It was well after dark when heavy human footsteps sounded. Whoever it was wasn't using a flashlight. Ellie saw enough of the walker to identify her as she drew abreast of Ellie's position.

"Sarah."

Sarah turned, startled enough to stumble. Her hand had gone to the pistol on her thigh, but she relaxed and followed Ellie to their hide. She set her pack down and rolled her shoulder, popping it. Yara stirred, lifted her head, and then dropped it again when she saw Sarah.

"Not a bad hide. Too cold to do again though," Sarah murmured.

"We need horses," Ellie told her. She ached from the weight she'd carried, and though they'd made it only a few miles, the girls had walked themselves nearly dead. They couldn't carry this weight for long, and the carrying made them ravenous for the food on their backs.

"A plan would have been nice for that."

Sarah's criticism was as much a tease as anything. Now, filled with the relief that Sarah had made it back, Ellie went for levity. She gathered the gravity she'd need to deliver her next question. "How do you get together a space party?"

"What?" By her tone, Sarah was flabbergasted. Ellie couldn't hold her giggle back as she said, "You planet. Get it?"

"Christ. A dad joke." Sarah's voice was warm with affection, and then she laughed.

It still wasn't the time to assuage her own guilt. Sarah had covered at least twice as much ground as the rest of them carrying twice as much weight, and no telling what kind of infected she'd run into. Ellie nudged Sarah with her elbow. "Go add your warmth to the pile. I've got watch. And we have a plan for the horses already."

Sarah sighed. "Sounds like I'll need the rest then. Tell me in the morning." She paused to press two objects into Ellie's hands. "They're yours."

Ellie rubbed the watch head and buckled it to her arm with a sigh. The picture she tucked into her pocket. Liar, Joel murmured in her head. Liar, baby girl.

---

The girls they'd rescued supplied a few useful pieces of information. The men that had raped them didn't always do it without talking, and two of the girls had overheard that the southeast Firefly outpost housed a few of the fanatic's horses. Sarah knew the place. They go there and have horses. 'Easy-peasy' as Joel would say.

Sarah was skeptical. "There wasn't a barn there. The house is big but no place for a horse."

"Was there a garage or a supply shed?"

"A shed." Sarah's brow furrowed. "Maybe there or at the old tennis court."

"The what court? Nevermind. We need to at least check."

"I'll go then."

She'd volunteered wearily. Ellie felt Sarah's exhaustion; she was ready to quit this hellhole, as Joel would put it. The burning rage that had driven her settled. Now she just wanted home. She wanted her house, bed, and job at Jackson. She wanted Joel and Tommy and Maria and their baby. She wanted her friends. Even Ellie could admit the horses might be a diversion, but if they were real, the horses would get them home faster.

"You know horses?" Ellie challenged.

"The girls need you."

Sarah's retort clearly meant she knew fuck-all about horses. "They have Yara and Lev. They'll just hoof it up I-90 today, and we'll meet up with them with or without the horses."

"The supplies we're carrying?"

"I can do it." Ellie thumped the pack on her back and tightened the straps. Sarah looked like she wanted to argue longer, but Ellie was too irritated to engage. She started walking and didn't stop, not even when Sarah's heavy footsteps sounded in a jog behind her.

Sarah took her arm. Anyone else would have made it a threatening gesture. Sarah was big and strong enough to yank Ellie around hard enough to make her head spin, but Sarah's grip closed and didn't squeeze, and she gently slowed Ellie's walk. She was gentle even with anger sharpening her expression, and Ellie felt herself reflect that anger—only she was pissed at herself. She had to get the truth over with because there would always be an excuse for not clearing her lie.

"We have to talk, but we should do it after we get the horses."

Sarah's brow furrowed. "Is this about the kiss?"

"No, Sarah. But you're really starting to piss me off by making it seem like such a huge deal."

"Okay," Sarah only said, and she let go.

Sarah helped Ellie down off the cracked interstate, and they moved quietly through the surrounding woods that had overtaken what Ellie realized was an old residential area. The houses were huge and right up against the water.

The building they came up on was a lot bigger than Ellie expected for an outpost. The base had been only twice the size of this huge place. Sarah held her finger to her lip for silence, and they moved through the high grass and trees to miss the building altogether. Another house was behind it, and when Sarah boosted Ellie to look in the high windows, there they were.

The three horses were on concrete or carpet, she wasn't sure. Their halters had been tied to the wall, and there were some empty buckets beside them. No hay, no grass, not enough lead for them to lie down. That burned Ellie up something fierce, as Joel would say.

They went around the back of the building, where Sarah plucked a key from her multitudes—Ellie hadn't realized she still had the key-ring—and opened a sliding door. The horses stirred, probably hungry and hoping for water, food, and freedom.

It smelled like shit. No one had mucked these shitty makeshift stalls in a few days at least. Ellie adjusted the horses' halters, loosened their leads, and rifled through the supplies in the room.

There, a dull hoof knife with a brush and pick. There were three bridles, three saddles, and a few carpets that had been used as horse blankets. She looked at the poorly conditioned animals and wished she had the beautiful warm blankets that they'd sewn together in Jackson for their horses.

There weren't any good saddle bags, but there were a few big sacks that would do in a pinch. Ellie snatched those up too. Sarah moved through the building and grabbed a few of her own supplies. Ellie tightened the saddles on the horses and tied the bags to them, moving as quickly as she could. She packed all their scavenged supplies from this little building. She tied the skinniest—and oldest going by his teeth—horse to one of the younger looking ones.

"Can you ride?" she finally thought to ask.

"Enough to get by."

They'd have to hope they could slip through the eastern wooded area quietly, mount up, and get back up to the interstate without being spotted. If anyone was still here. This giant house seemed like a good enough place to hunker down, and the way Sarah talked about her men, the remaining Fireflies were more about comfort and survival than the rage for vengeance that drove the fanatics.

There were no humans that followed them into the woods, but they found two new runners and one infected that was close to becoming a clicker. Sarah and Ellie were quiet, but the horses weren't. Ellie hesitated to drop their leads. She knew better, but they needed these horses. Sarah dropped her pack, lifted a pipe she'd snitched, and brained all three infected as they charged Ellie. Ellie didn't even have to pull the trigger, though her pistol was up and aimed.

"You're immune, not invincible," Sarah said sharply after she'd searched the infected. As much as Ellie wanted to pick that fight, she figured Sarah's anger was mostly about the Firefly pendants she'd pulled off two of the bodies.

"We need the horses. I was armed."

They decided to mount up after that, and the horse Ellie had chosen moved easily enough with her direction. It was hard to keep them moving because the horses wanted to graze. That would slow them down in the future, but the horses would be at walking pace anyway. She needed to work on their feet too, and a good brushing wouldn't hurt. They were scruffy and scrawny. Probably had PPID—though Doc couldn't remember what the letters stood for.

"What did you need to tell me?"

Shit. Ellie blew out a breath as she gathered her courage. Now or nothing. She and Sarah were stuck together for now, and she had to get this out. "I lied to you."

Sarah offered her a knowing gentle smile. "You don't get together a galaxy party with a planet?"

Ellie choked back her startled laugh, feeling like she'd cry if she did let it out. She wrung her hands and blew out a nervous breath. "I lied about Joel."

"The fanatics didn't kill him," Sarah said gently.

"How did—?" Ellie cut herself off. She gathered her courage to meet Sarah's gaze. She was steady and calm, too kind and understanding to be real. She looked at Ellie without any judgment or anger. She was so fucking beautiful.

"Joel isn't dead," Ellie admitted in a rush. "I'd forget I made it seem that way, and then you asked if I was avenging him, and I wanted to die for it."

That profession did startle Sarah. She sat back on her horse, her eyes wide. Ellie rushed on before Sarah could interrupt her confession. "I made it seem like we were doing it to be heroes, but I just used you for revenge."

"Saving those girls was revenge?" Sarah asked gently.

"I thought you'd leave if you knew. I needed to kill them. I had to make it right."

Understanding came over Sarah's face again. She was too fucking understanding. She offered a smile, and the gentle emotion behind it hit Ellie behind her breastbone. "I love the memory of my dad, but he's not real to me anymore. You are. Yara and Lev are. Even if I didn't want to do it for the kids, I would have fought all the same to get you back to my dad."

It wasn't fair to be forgiven so easily. Ellie was pissed. "Don't be that way. It makes it worse. I should have told you the truth. You should be pissed at me! It's—" She was choked by her tears. "It's my fault."

In that moment, she saw those two girls who she'd sworn to protect, one swinging by her neck and the other strung up by her freshly broken arms, both with their guts hanging out like skirts. Ellie had wanted to play cards with her friends the night the girls had been taken, and she hadn't slept over with them. She'd forgotten to ask Joel or Tommy or Doc to stay with them in that house. That was the night they'd been dragged away, tortured, and killed.

The girls had come to Jackson in the early summer and stayed with them for three months. Ellie had found them, claimed them, and wanted to make things right for them. They'd had scars on their cheeks, something Joel warned her meant they were a commodity to somebody else in the world, but Ellie had only listened to the part that meant she had to protect them, not the part that spelled out the inevitability of their murders or how evil those killings would be.

Naomi had been the oldest. She'd been thirteen at most, small and quiet and so sweet. Ellie loved her like a sister, her love all the thicker for the regret that ran under it all. Naomi had been stick-thin when Ellie stumbled upon them, and her weight gain had expanded her middle until everyone knew she was pregnant. The other little girl was five or six and a different race, but Naomi called Lia her sister all the same.

When Naomi had called Ellie her sister too, she'd felt something deep and possessive, and for the first time, she'd really empathized with Joel's fierce need to protect and provide. She loved Joel, wanted to protect him too, but there was something different when you knew you were someone else's barrier against the shit of the world.

And Ellie had let them die. There was no fixing that, even killing every one of the men that had been sent to murder them, even saving the last one for the slow agony he'd released on those innocent girls. Joel had found her with the last one, and he'd pulled her away and killed the man himself, but not before Ellie learned where to go to snuff out the rest of those sick fucks.

She'd pulled the Firefly pendant off of the last one and put a name to his evil. Sarah stripped that one away from her though. The Fireflies hadn't done this, even if they'd allowed it in part by their unwillingness to wipe the fanatics out.

Joel had been sick before all of that happened, and the hard run through the rain to her had made him sicker. He wasn't in danger of dying, but he needed a few weeks to clear his cough and regain his strength. Joel had seen the truth of her intent on her face, and he'd begged her to wait for him. The last night in Jackson, he sat up in bed to find her beside him. He'd studied her quietly and asked, "What are you doing, kiddo? You really gonna go through with this?"

Her reply had been born from hate. "I'm going to find and kill every last one of them."

Ellie looked at Sarah now and saw more than understanding in her gaze. "Their names were Naomi and Lia. And I let them die."

Sarah sank back into her saddle with a creak of leather. She nodded slowly as if gathering her thoughts. "When I worked in that Utah hospital, I used to dream of burning it all to the ground. Every kid they took in to the OR never came out, and I couldn't stand it. I got my hands on the vaccine list, and I wanted to kill them all over again. It was all for the Firefly bigwigs, the people that controlled trafficking—humans and weapons—on the east and west coasts. They're evil, all of them, and they used the Firefly's noble cause for the slim chance at their own immunity.

"I told myself I was better than everyone else in that building, but you know what? I bet every other soldier on that floor felt the same way. Instead of going out with a bang, I asked to leave, and they let me. I used to picture burning it all down even after I left. When I heard the Utah hospital went dark, I hated the person who did it because it should have been me. I told myself I was better, but I wasn't. I used my guilt to prove my morality instead of doing something about it, just like I used those kids as an excuse not to do the right thing."

Ellie ached for the obvious regret Sarah carried. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"Neither did you," Sarah said fiercely. "People are sick fucks, and nothing you do is going to change that. So you do what you can. You made me a better person. Maybe I would have left, maybe I wouldn't. But I'm glad you didn't give me to the chance to fuck it up."

"Why aren't you angry?"

"Oh, I'm pissed, but I'm only pissed you left me. You lied; you didn't kill him or those girls. Ellie, you have to let it go."

Ellie thought of her selfish desire to play cards and drink with her friends, of being annoyed that night by how needy the girls could be, of the thought of how horrifying their last moments were, and her voice went rough. "I left those girls alone, Sarah. They died because I wasn't there."

"Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe you would've died too. But they died, and you came here and saved the rest of them and prevented the ones that did all that from doing it to another little girl. You have to find a way to accept what happened and survive and keep doing good."

Ellie took a long breath as Sarah's logic sank into her bones. She nodded, looked at Sarah, and felt the answer firm inside her. "Okay."

---

There was a lot of time to think when walking. As vigilant as Ellie tried to be, she couldn't help but turn to her thoughts for the hours they spent on their feet that day. Now that everything was aired out, Ellie wasn't a scared of her thoughts either. She felt light on her feet for the first time in months.

Sarah had taken point, and occasionally Ellie saw her slide in and out of the trees alongside the interstate as she scouted their path for any threats: human, infected, or otherwise. Her presence was a comfort. Ellie sometimes only saw the flash of her blond hair or the flicker of her dark brown coat. About midday, Sarah had stepped out in full view, and she smiled when she looked at the group making its way steadily up 90. She passed out jerky to everyone and encouraged them to drink.

"Keep your feet dry and your mouth wet," Sarah had said in a military chant. Ellie imagined her chanting it in time with a marching drill. She'd participated in those exercises more than once in Boston.

Ellie chewed on a piece of deer jerky as she walked alongside the group. The girls were alternating who rode the mellowest horse, the skinny Quarter Horse gelding. The other two horses carried supplies enough to make it easier for the girls to pick up the pace.

Maybe Sarah was just as good as Joel had said. Just as strong and steady as he'd said. The lie that had eaten her up for weeks was forgiven in one breath, justified on the next.

Seemed strange how she remembered the same woman cutting the arm and head off of that fat bastard in one swing. She'd killed the cult's David as easy as that. Ezekiel might not have even given the orders to have Naomi and Lia murdered, but whoever had done it was dead, and their sisters were on their way to a better life, to as much safety and freedom as a person could ask in their world.

It still hurt to think of them dead, of how they died, and the anger still simmered low. The rage was more at the world and less at herself, and Ellie couldn't do much about that. The fuckers that had been the cause of so much pain and death were gone now, but there would be more that took their place.

In the midst of that dark knowledge, Ellie would look at Sarah and see the future. She imagined Joel's face opening in shock, joy, and love, and all the shit she'd seen and done was worth it. She'd gone to Seattle to murder the rage out her, but she'd found hope there instead.

All kind of fucked up things happened in the world, but Joel was right: you had to find something worth living for. Sarah was right too: sometimes you had to be brave enough to do the right thing.

---

They set up in a big house just off the interstate after a hard sixteen miles.

Sarah and Ellie went through the house room by room, but there were no infected. Ellie led the horses into the overgrown backyard, where they were content to graze thick green grass. The grass made Ellie nervous. She remembered a stupid cow, Frootloop 25, breaking down a fence to graze on a flush new pasture in Jackson. The cow had bloated and died. The doc had tried to pass a tube, but it was a frothy bloat. But no, horses could colic and founder on too quick a change to lush grass.

Ellie would let them graze as long as it took to work on their feet, then they'd go up in the garage for the night.

She found Lev in the house, scraping the bottom of a can of beans. "Want to help me with the horses?"

His face lit up. When he came outside, Ellie showed him how to put on a twitch, and he held it steady, nodding when Ellie went over the dangers of a tossed head and a concussion from the twitch. Then she bent to pick up the first hoof.

It made her mad how poorly cared for these horses were. She was firm as she scraped out the shit and mud and pebbles from the horse's frog. She took a rasp over the hoof, smoothing the cracked edges. No bruises on this horse's feet at least. Lev removed the twitch when Ellie asked him to. He held the lead rope and watched Ellie brush her coat. Butters, maybe? She was a dun Quarter Horse mare, probably would be fat if she'd been cared for. Butters turned and nibbled on Ellie's sleeve as she brushed her down. Sweet girl.

The next horse was another mare, maybe an chestnut Arabian cross by her nose and her nervousness. She was in the best shape of the lot, the youngest by her teeth. Her feet needed work, but they cleaned up well. Poppy was a good name for her. Ellie rubbed her velvety nose as Lev brushed her down.

The last horse was the worst off. He was the skinny roan Quarter Horse, old as sin, and his feet were shameful. He seemed nice enough, and Ellie hoped she could fix him with enough care. Snickers, Ellie dubbed him, and she and Lev brushed him down together. When they finished, the sun was setting, and Sarah sat on the back porch watching them.

"Think you can open the garage?"

Sarah rocked to her feet and wordlessly did as asked. Lev helped Ellie fill a bucket with water, and then Lev went into the overgrown yard with a machete and collected grass for the horses to nibble on. They closed the old garage door with the horses inside and entered the house. The girls hadn't started a fire, but the intact walls and old beds offered some comfort and warmth. Ellie considered where she'd find a comfortable corner. She hadn't asked who would take watch.

"Here."

Ellie blinked at the can that materialized in front of her nose.

"Sit."

Ellie sat down on the springy couch behind her, and the can went into her hand. She scented sugar and couldn't help herself. The first taste was a burst of life on her tongue, and it zapped her with energy. She scraped the bottom within thirty seconds. Sarah smiled and handed Ellie another open can which was full of venison.

"You need the protein."

"You need to eat more than I do."

"I had another can. Finish it. You're lightening my load."

Something told Ellie that Sarah would be carrying more than her fair share the whole way. She finished that can too, and then she took a long pull of water from Sarah's canteen. Sarah's weight shifted the cushion, but Ellie was happy enough to share her spot. Sarah threw off warmth and comfort, and for the first time, Ellie was with her without the weight of her guilt on her. She wanted to sink against her side but resisted.

"You seem to know what you're doing with the horses."

"It's my job in Jackson. I'm a farrier, still kind of an apprentice. I take care of the cows, sheep, and horses. I help the doc some with the animal medicine stuff, but mainly I do feet."

"Speaking of feet, let me see yours."

Ellie unlaced her shoes, surprised at how little pain she had from her feet or back after the long walk. Sarah pulled Ellie's feet into her lap, which resulted in Ellie leaning back with her head on the sofa arm. She closed her eyes and thought she'd fall asleep, especially when Sarah's fingers moved over the aching ball of her foot.

"Not bad. Where's your pack?"

"Over there," Ellie muttered, fading fast. "Do I have watch?"

"Not tonight." Sarah crouched by the sofa and pulled fresh socks on Ellie's feet, and that was the last thing she remembered that night. When Ellie awoke, the gray of dawn peeked through curtains on the wall, but this wasn't her bed and it wasn't Jackson. She hurt everywhere, but it was just soreness from a hard day's walk. She had another coming up.

For the moment, she just lay in the warmth of her bedroll and breathed. It was quiet in the house and outside. For the first time since summer, it was quiet in her head too.

---

They made another sixteen miles before hunkering down at the airport. The size of the building gave Ellie the willies, but it was semi-closed and protected. She and Sarah sat beside each other on uncomfortable leather seats. They shared another meal, just breathing to get through their exhaustion. They'd brought the horses inside again. Despite the distance they'd walked, the horses had grazed well on the grass that grew up through the concrete on I-90. They'd stopped for a short time at a drainage ditch to water the horses and refill their supply.

Ellie hoped there weren't many barren stretches between here and Jackson. The horses had gone hungry long enough.

"They're scared of me," Sarah said quietly, watching the cluster of girls and kids that Yara led with gentle authority.

"You're just big. They'll get over it."

There wasn't much else to say. They shared two cold cans of food; Ellie tried to be subtle as she took smaller bites than Sarah. When they finished, Sarah stared into her can, lost in her thoughts. Her voice was low when she spoke. "We never took the fanatics seriously. We laughed at them, called them child-fuckers. There was a raffle for a bottle of whiskey every six months. Every fanatic killed netted a ticket. No maximum."

Ellie realized she was supposed to listen and shifted to wake herself up enough to attend.

"I just let it happen. Good for morale, Roland told me. Kept the men content even though there weren't women or families for them. Roland always rubbed that part about women in, like I was shirking my duty. We had food at least. Food and something to kill."

"Did you enter the raffle?"

Sarah's jaw jumped. "Seemed sick to me. I killed plenty of them, but I only put one raffle ticket in. Then I spent three months agonizing over the possibility of winning liquor because I blew a guy's brains out. I imagined if I did win that I'd stand up and tell them all how sick they were."

"Did you win?"

"Nope. I don't even remember who did. His platoon shared the booze, and everyone was back at it the next day."

"That guy you killed probably raped his sister."

"Doesn't meant I didn't murder him. I killed him because it was a good shot. Headshot from almost a mile away. My unit was watching, and I liked how they looked at me with respect for that. When I killed, my men thought of me as something other than the bitch that hoarded the provisions. Most of them were killed the night our CO opened our doors to the fanatics."

"Did you kill him?" Ellie thought to ask.

A ghost of a smile flickered over Sarah's face. Her eyes were heavy and her breath deep. "Yep. I don't regret that one."

Sarah's rucksack was well-organized and heavier than Ellie could lift. She opened it enough to get her bedroll out and laid it out. Sarah hadn't moved in the time it took to do that. Ellie tugged her gently, and Sarah went without protest to her bedroll. She was asleep probably before she'd settled into it. Instead of bothering with her own, Ellie lay down against the warmth Sarah provided and rested against her. Lev would wake her when it was her turn to take watch.

---

They managed between ten to twenty miles every day the next four days, capping out their week by staying at a gaudy place with huge red letters spelling out FRUIT & ANTIQUE-MALL. It was nicer on the inside than the outside suggested, wide open with a double-stairway to an upper balcony. Sarah suggested they sleep upstairs and take watch there to better see threats, but as soon as everyone was settled, they were back downstairs, picking curiously through the junk that littered the counters.

Ellie found herself alone with Sarah on the second floor. They sat away from the broken wooden railing and didn't have much to say to each other that night. Exhaustion lined Sarah's face, and Ellie finally saw her age.

"I feel like I never see you anymore." Ellie tried for a lighthearted tone, a mockery of the lines she'd read in Maria's collection of shitty romance novels. Her favorite treasured one was extra crappy, but it featured two women falling in love which made it the most awesome book ever written. Ellie wondered if Maria ever missed it; she'd snitched it and kept it under her mattress.

Sarah only sighed, rubbing her neck with her head tilted back and her eyes closed. "Opposite watches. Opposite scouting. Good find here by the way."

"I was afraid there'd be infected in here, but nothing. Think we can hazard a fire?"

"I worry for the light."

"Come on. We're at least a hundred miles from Seattle by now."

"One hundred one."

"There you go, all sexy with your counting."

Sarah raised her eyebrows and finally gifted Ellie with a grin wide enough to show her teeth. "Don't tease me about my quirks. If you really think my obsession is sexy, you're crazier than I am."

"Oh, I'm crazy alright. Seriously though, fire?"

Sarah offered a half-smile as she pushed something Ellie's way. "How about a cook-stove instead?"

"Oh, fuck yeah!" Ellie pulled it her way and felt the gas slosh in it. "How much you think this'll get us?"

"Enough for a pot of venison and beans."

It was a mission, one that everyone got behind. They found a pot, rinsed it, and set it on the cook-stove, watching avidly as Ellie lit it with a match. They all crowded around, sniffing the heating food and absorbing what warmth they could. Ellie bet herself that they'd finish this in no time. Well, three minutes.

It took two so they cooked a bit more. Sarah and Ellie shared the last small batch. Their silence was comfortable, but Ellie wanted to find a way to break it.

"I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind."

Sarah gave a startled laugh. "How do you come up with these?"

"Oh, I don't. I just remember as many as I can. I have four joke books back in Jackson."

"Give me another."

"Joel told me this one. Atheism is a non-prophet organization."

Sarah actually giggled. "That's bad."

"I know. Mine are so much better. You know any?"

Sarah thought so long she yawned, then she said, "My ex misses me, but her aim is steadily improving."

Ellie grinned. "That's going in my book."

"I don't know if that means it was bad or good." Sarah peeled off her socks and rubbed her feet. She nodded to her socks. "My socks are really holy. I can only wear them to church."

Ellie made a buzzer noise. "Awful! And so over-used."

"I only have those two, sorry to say."

"Oh well. Guess we can't all be perfect." Ellie looked over the balcony again, watching the kids below pick through the junk. "I'm disappointed there's no guitars here. Seems like a place with the name painted on the side would have a guitar or two."

"Too close to risk music."

"You aren't the boss of me!"

Sarah was falling asleep sitting up again, and she only grunted at Ellie's levity. Ellie coaxed her to lie down before she settled her own space. Sarah's caution was exhausting only because it was warranted. As Ellie faded into sleep, she mentally continued the argument Sarah had preempted with the compromise of the stove.

"We're a hundred miles away."

"They can cover it faster than we can."

"If they could, why haven't they attacked us yet? You can't tell me that they can't track sixteen of us with three horses walking down a major highway."

The Sarah in her head had no reply, only a glare of caution. Ellie fell asleep imagining kissing that look away.

---

It took another ten days of hard walking before they hit a semi-comfortable spot. Ritzville wasn't as ritzy as its name suggested, in part because there was no one there, but they were far enough away that Sarah decided it was worth the risk to light a fire in the fireplace of the house they'd chosen.

The best part about the place was the guitar locked up in a case upstairs. Ellie pulled it out reverently, blowing dust from the frets and gently touching the strings. Hopefully it wouldn't fall apart on her when she tuned it.

They ate more than they should have, in part because they'd arrived with plenty of daylight left. The long walk the day before meant a shorter one that day, and everyone was ready to settle in and rest. Sarah even opened a can of blackberry jam she'd been saving, and they each took a spoonful as they passed the can around in some reverent approximation of sharing a drink.

It was quiet until the can was licked clean, and then Ellie settled on the edge of a chair and began a simple tune. Everyone, even Sarah, listened raptly as she played and sang.

The guitar was missing a string, but Ellie had just enough skill to keep the kids moving with the tune. Some of her songs were silly, others she forgot the words to, but she managed to keep it going for a while. Sarah picked the old guitar up when Ellie paused to eat, and she strummed a song with enough skill to make Ellie glare at her. "You shit."

Sarah just winked and finished. She handed the guitar back and got up to go outside to take watch. Ever paranoid. Ellie gave in to the requests for one more song, and she strummed Joel's favorite, Future Days.

Just as she slipped into the closing chords, the door slammed back on its hinges, and two big heavy bodies slammed through it, landing on the floor so hard the house shook. Ellie was up, her switchblade in hand with the intent of killing before she realized Sarah had—shit, it was Joel in a choke-hold. In the frozen moment before she could get words out, Ellie marveled at how alike they looked with their teeth bared and eyes narrowed in aggression.

Then her brain caught up. She put her switchblade away and lunged forward to yank hard at Sarah's arm. "Get off! Sarah, stop it; it's Joel! Lev, lower your bow! Everyone back up! Joel!"

The look of concentrated rage on Sarah's face slipped away as she let Joel go, and Joel coughed and rubbed his throat. He stood up quickly, his hand finding the blade at his belt. He looked to Ellie in obvious confusion.

"I'm okay, Joel. We're good."

He came at her, his face tight in concentration, and Ellie was prepared for his hard grip on her upper arms and the way he studied her face and body. Then he crushed her to his chest. She let him, relieved to be in his arms again. Every last worry and fear melted from her. "Oh, Ellie," he whispered into her shoulder. "Don't you ever leave me again, you hear?"

"I'm okay, Joel." She pushed him back to wipe the tears from her face. "I'm okay."

"Yeah?" Tears came up in his eyes too, and his face pulled with emotion. He tried to feign anger, but he chuckled through his threat. "You're fucking grounded, you hear me!"

She laughed in the circle of his arms. "What, no movies for a week?"

"A year." Then he wrapped her up tight again and rocked her against him.

She hit his chest and pushed him back after a minute reveling in his arms. "You need to meet someone. Really."

Joel took the moment to finally look around him. He took in the kids first, steady with his appraisal. Then he eyed Sarah, who stood behind the stuffed chair with her revolver in hand. She looked at Joel as if she were figuring all the cans and calories and pills in the entire world. Ellie wished she had a window into Sarah's thoughts. Joel followed Ellie's gaze to Sarah again, and he looked back at Ellie as if taking a cue from her.

Then Sarah moved. Her voice was rough, and her accent was the strongest it had ever been. "Looking old, old man. Livin' the American dream?"

Those words meant something to Joel. He flinched all over, and then he paled and swayed. Ellie grabbed him as he sank onto the couch in something as close to a faint as he ever got. His voice cracked in shock. "S-Sarah?"

"Hey, Daddy. Long time no see."

Joel shook his head. He reached out, and Sarah finally stepped towards him. She sank onto one knee, and Joel cupped her cheeks in his hands, his eyes roving over her face. It was intimate and wonderful, and Ellie realized she should probably give them some privacy.

The problem was it was hard to move fourteen curious strangers out of a room surreptitiously. She overheard Joel say, "You died. You died in my arms."

"Turns out a few units of fresh blood and an ambitious surgery resident brought me back to life. They told me you died."

"Shit."

Ellie couldn't stand leaving them. She turned back to watch as Joel continued to look at Sarah. "Look at you. All grown up. You look like your mama."

Sarah held onto Joel's wrist and smiled. Then she pulled away and glanced back at Ellie. "We should take care of your horses."

He'd brought more than one, then. Ellie bossed most of the kids upstairs, but she didn't protest Lev's help when they ducked into the darkness. Sarah looked like she wanted to follow, but Ellie glared, and she sat down again.

Joel's horses were a lot healthier than their skinny herd, though their horses were all looking better with food, work, and grazing time. Ellie checked their feet, settled them in with the other three in the garage, and grabbed Joel's pack and revolver. Sarah must have disarmed him, which was something. Like father, like daughter and all that awesome shit.

Sarah had sat down on the couch by the time Ellie and Lev came back in. Ellie pressed a can of beans into Joel's hand. "Don't forget to eat."

Joel took her wrist before she could move farther. It was a gentle encircling with no pressure, but those fingers wouldn't open until she paid him mind. Ellie waited him out as he lifted his eyes. "Thank you."

"She found me."

"No, Ellie. No… I know how hard it is, but there's always a reason to keep movin' on. Thank you for movin' on."

Ellie got that. She'd learned the lesson before he pointed it out. She nodded, and he let her go. She reached out to rub his shaggy hair before she walked upstairs to settle in her chosen bed. As she faded into sleep, it occurred to her that maybe Joel was learning his own lesson over again.

---

Having to piss in the middle of the night always sucked. Ellie crept quietly to the stairs and paused when she heard two quiet voices. Sarah and Joel. It was a shot of relief to hear him again and a shot of joy to hear the two of them together. Joel and Sarah… The thought was a huge fantasy, like tasting ice cream or playing a video game or having a girlfriend or going to Disneyland—wherever that was.

Finding Sarah in the first place was a miracle she hadn't been in a state of mind to know. Seeing Joel find her was that all that over again and more so.

"You did right by that girl," Sarah was saying. "She's a good one."

Ellie held her breath as her heart pounded to hear that. Sarah could have been lying to her face before to make her feel better, but she couldn't lie to Joel, could she?

"Dunno how much I had to do with it," Joel muttered.

They were silent for long enough Ellie considered going down the steps more loudly than she needed. Then Sarah spoke again. "She's pretty shaken up about this—about those girls that died in Jackson too. She seems to think it's her fault."

"She was with her friends the night the girls got taken. Not her fault. No one but those men that took 'em. But…" He sighed the word out. "At least she's talkin'. If she talks, she'll start realizing that's not true. She wouldn't talk to me before she left."

"I get the feeling you can gauge her mental well-being by how many jokes she tells. She's been telling a few."

Joel chuckled. "Yeah. Ellie has a thing for them cheesy joke books. Keep an eye out. Makes a great Christmas present."

"I'll keep that in mind. She's good with a guitar."

"Yeah. Teaching her was easy. Still can't whistle worth a durn though."

They both laughed quietly. Upstairs, Ellie's irritation grew with every exchange. Father and daughter reunited after almost twenty-five years, and all they had to talk about was her? She wanted to shake them both and yell, 'Fucking talk!'

Joel was quiet for a minute. Then he finally asked what Ellie thought he should have started with: "How are you, Sarah?"

Sarah didn't answer verbally, and Joel continued. "You ever want to talk, I'm all ears. I'd like to know what you went through, but I get not wantin' to share."

"Yeah. Thanks."

It sounded like Sarah got to her feet, but Joel spoke quickly, "Sarah, I'm… I'm—shit. I'm sorry I left you."

"You didn't know. That was never something I blamed you for."

Joel's sigh was deep. "I clocked Tommy when he came back without you. I wanted to bury you, but he gave your body to the same people who shot us. Guess I should take that punch back, huh?"

"It's okay. I'm glad you left me. Things have a way of working out sometimes. It's not that I don't want to talk, but I… I guess don't know what to say yet."

Joel's voice was thick. "Well, for now, how about: Goodnight, Sarah."

"Goodnight, Daddy."

That was something at least. Ellie was disappointed in both of them, but she knew how hard it was to get Joel to open up. She never expected Sarah would be quicker to take to her than Joel though.

Ellie didn't want to be caught eavesdropping. She stepped back quietly and stood in the doorway of her chosen bedroom, moving back towards the stairs as Sarah came up. Sarah's expression was in a resting smile, a nice change from her usual dark focus. She saw Ellie and jumped.

"Sorry," Ellie muttered. "You can bunk with me if you want, but I gotta piss."

Sarah turned around and followed Ellie downstairs. "Pairs, remember?"

"Sure, buddy," she muttered sarcastically. Joel smiled at her from his recline on the couch. "Okay, baby girl?"

"Just have to piss."

At least they had the porch overhang. A dusting of snow covered the ground, which made it a more urgent thing to finish up. Sarah stood on the other side of the porch and watched the darkness as Ellie took care of her business. Mortifying despite it being a necessity. Then Sarah took her turn, and Ellie felt selfishly mollified. Buddies watched each other's backs, even when they took a piss.

They tromped back upstairs and settled into bed. Sarah's warmth made the whole thing a cocoon of comfort, and Ellie couldn't stay awake if she'd tried.

---

Three days later, they stopped at a place called the Man-Cave Antique Shoppe. The sign was red with big white letters. It looked like it used to be a gas station before it became whatever the fuck a Man-Cave shop was. There was an old truck—like old before the collapse—and a hundred rusted signs propped against the opening. It was right off I-90 and curious enough to draw their group.

The walls were mostly intact, and they were far enough away from anything else that Sarah and Joel jointly decided a fire would be fine. That was one annoying thing about having them together: they worked more as a team of equals than Sarah and Ellie ever had. It was usually Ellie dragging Sarah into her ideas, but she listened better to Joel. Then again, Sarah had listened to Ellie when she'd disagreed with Joel's pace.

Whatever. She was just happy to have the person she she loved most in the world together with the person she was rapidly starting to…like a lot…even if they only ever talked about impersonal shit.

Once again, the kids were all pleased to sort through pre-collapse junk. Even Sarah took part after she'd counted the cans out for everyone. She laughed, a pretty sound rare enough to bring a wide smile to Yara's face. Lev had been listening to Ellie when she drew a diagram of a horse hoof in the dirt, but he looked over too.

"She's smiling more."

"She's happy you and Yara are okay."

Lev raised one eyebrow to consider her frankly. That look called bullshit. Ellie felt a blush come over her features, but if anyone asked, she'd say it was from the heat of the fire. Sarah and Yara came over to sit together by the fire and study the object in Sarah's hand.

"This, this got a bad rap before the collapse, but it's a perfectly good example of a musical instrument. It's also economically small."

"No way." Ellie leaned over. "You found a harmonica!"

"Yep. Gotta clean it though." Sarah used a tiny screwdriver to open the harmonica up. She collected the screws carefully. She wiped the cover down with a rub of whiskey on a dry cloth. "These are the reed plates," she told Yara, unscrewing more bits and setting them aside in separate places. The harmonica was apparently important enough to wipe down in whiskey, something Sarah had been hoarding since they left. She wiped down another component and then went back and did the same to the reed plates again.

Ellie realized she wasn't going to hear that harmonica for a while. Sarah probably didn't like their position on the ground either. Higher was better, and any excess noise made her twitchy. Not for the first time, Ellie wondered what she'd been through to give her such a healthy respect for infected.

"Well, as fascinating as this is…" Ellie stretched, pulled her coat on, and walked back outside to find Joel. He looked up at her with all the welcome in the world. He wasn't always soft or warm as he'd been that first night, especially when he brooded about her leaving, but his grumpiness was just a part of his charm now. He'd been really pissed when she'd given him back his watch.

"Hey there, kiddo. Get tired of the heat?"

She sat beside him, stretching her legs out and wiggling her toes in her boots. Joel reached over to chuck one. "She finally got you out of those chucks, huh?"

"Sarah's got a point about footwear. I don't want to end up all misshapen and shit like you when I'm old."

"First of all, I ain't old. Second of all, I ain't misshapen."

"I've seen those feet. They're hairy enough to keep you warm in a blizzard. That second toe looks like a fucking alien."

Joel chuckled.

Ellie sat back and thought of her lie to Sarah, feeling the echo of the memory of the guilt she'd carried around. She didn't realize she was wringing her hands until Joel wrapped his big hand around hers. His gaze was quiet with worry. "What's got you worked up?"

"I know you lied, Joel."

Joel gave a shuddering breath, turning away from her. They sat side by side and stared straight ahead into the darkness.

"I knew when I woke up in the car."

"You made me swear."

Ellie kept looking into the darkness, even when Joel finally looked at her. "I needed you to. So I could pretend it was okay to be happy at Jackson. I'm sorry I made you hold onto that lie for so long. I wasn't ever mad at anyone but myself for wanting to live. So I'm sorry."

"You don't get to apologize for something I did," Joel said, his voice deep and rough. "I made that choice, and I didn't give you one."

"You did it for me." Ellie smiled as she was struck by the similarity of her answer to the one Sarah had given her. "You made me have a chance to be something better. That's the only way I can see it, and that's not your fault either. It's just… I told Sarah something, a lie, and I thought that lie was gonna eat right out of my chest every time I remembered it. Does it feel that way for you?"

"I got used to holding onto lies a long time ago, Ellie."

"Were you afraid I'd leave if you told me the truth?"

Joel cleared his throat, and Ellie glanced over to see him wipe a few tears away. So that had been his fear as much as it had been hers. She leaned against him, and he draped his heavy arm over her shoulder. He was comfort and love and everything she'd ever dream of feeling for an imaginary parent that came along. He also stank and needed a shave and haircut.

"Olivia's gonna shit herself when she sees your hair."

Joel raised his eyebrows, betraying amusement. He hummed. "I don't think Olivia has ever in her life shit herself. But, yeah, she's gonna go at me with some garden shears. I'll be lucky to keep my ears."

"Sheep shears, more like," Ellie muttered. Joel cupped the back of her head and sighed, and Ellie felt something fierce and deep for him. "I know I'm not Sarah. And I know you're not my dad. But sometimes..."

"You are, baby girl. You aren't Sarah, but you're still mine. You hear?"

"If you hear me too, Joel. I'm not leaving you again."

His chest expanded in a deep inhale, and he leaned over to kiss the top of her head. "I hear. Now go on in and get some shut-eye."

---

Their stop in some place called Cabela's about three weeks into the trip was disappointing. The place advertised as a hunting store according to old billboards, but all the guns and ammo had been taken already. Crossing into Idaho didn't make this any less the middle of bumfuck nowhere, but people in the middle of bumfuck nowhere apparently ransacked the place years ago for all the guns, knives, and ammo they could carry.

It was huge and cold, but it offered protection with its walls. Two of the girls took watch overnight, which meant Ellie woke up periodically to make sure whoever was keeping watch was awake. They did good, but that didn't stop her paranoia. It made Ellie wonder how she'd been comfortable enough to travel alone on her way here.

Then again, she had known she would be followed by a friendly.

She went outside with Lev and worked on the horses in her routine prior to their trip that day. They were planning to get at least fifteen miles if not more. It was always a hard to decide when they found a house whether to push on or not, but Ellie was ready for a bed again before they even started.

She turned her mind to the task. The poor horses hadn't been taken care of in a long time. Ellie was pretty sure the thin one—Snickers—was going to come up lame. The wet snow didn't help the old gelding's hoof integrity, but at least the hoof knife she'd snitched sharpened up well.

Lev held onto Snickers for her as Ellie braced his foot between her legs. She was always aware of the kick that could come flying, but Snickers was the calmest of the horses…or the sickest. All of them were getting better about being handled, which made it easier now that she had five horses to care for. Ellie cleaned his frog, picked at the edges of the hoof wall, and brushed it. Snickers was reluctant to lift his left rear. Ellie squeezed the tendon above his fetlock, and he eventually shifted his weight to let Ellie work on the next foot. That right rear was going to be a problem.

"Problem?" Joel asked her as she shoved her tools back into her bag aggressively half an hour later.

"We might have to kill the horse."

"Well now, might as well give it a chance to make it for now. Everything else okay?"

That was pretty damn obvious coming from Joel. He usually just gave her a look to ask how she was, but she couldn't blame him now. She'd been ignoring his looks for a few days. Ellie sighed and looked at the group of girls packing up their supplies and getting their boots on. Sarah was bent over the feet of one of the kids, wrapping his ankles before tying his boots on. Ellie would make sure he got up on a horse today instead of walking.

She studied Sarah again. In the light of day, she saw the imperfections: the scars and the age that was often hard to see. She saw more of Joel in Sarah every day; even her accent got thicker when she talked to him. She'd watched them walk together the day before, talking quietly with flashes of smiles. Ellie pulled out the memory and studied her emotions. She'd expected to feel jealous or threatened, but it wasn't there. She was just happy the person she loved best in the world was so happy to know the other person she was rapidly starting to...like a lot too.

Now that the lie was out of the way and Joel was finally with them, her feelings for Sarah weren't weighed down by guilt—or anything at all. Ellie just couldn't figure out Sarah's take on her. She was warm, gentle, and she even seemed to respect Ellie.

What confused the shit out of her was the damn kiss. Sarah had kissed her like she meant it and then spent the next week apologizing for doing it. Now they shared a bed if needed, and Sarah never once reached out for her, even to curl up together for warmth. Ellie was mortified to admit she hoped Sarah would reach for her; romance novels always precluded romance with spooning. But nope, Sarah was good to go without.

Just because Sarah was a lesbian—at least, Ellie assumed she was given that kiss—didn't mean she saw Ellie as anything but a kid. She'd been fucking around when she kissed her, clearly.

"Ellie?"

At the sound of Joel's voice, Ellie looked away from Sarah and came back to herself with a start. She blushed and realized Sarah had seen her looking too. "Yeah. I'm okay."

Joel followed her gaze. He raised an eyebrow. "You like her."

He had no fucking idea. Ellie hadn't seen fit to mention her sexuality. She played it cool now. "She's good people."

"Musta gotten that from her mother."

"Who was her mom?"

"That, missy, is a story for another time."

"Dunno. I have a few questions myself." Sarah had approached and heard Ellie's question. She shifted her pack on her shoulders, buckling it beneath her breasts. As always, Sarah stood strong under the weight she carried.

"You know who your mama was."

"Yeah, she was the center on UT Austin's team."

"She was the point guard," Joel corrected, using a tone and look that indicated Sarah had made a gravely stupid statement. Ellie looked back and forth between them. "Is that supposed to mean something?"

"It meant something then. She would've punched me if I'd called her a center. It's a basketball position."

"Is that the one with a bat or a hoop?"

"Hoop," Sarah answered. "I used to wonder how you got her pregnant. Was it in a car?"

"Jesus, Sarah!" Joel actually blushed, and that made Ellie cackle. He glared at her and was apparently amused enough to say, "Give me more credit. I was a classy kid. I rented a room at Red Roof Inn."

"Real classy." Sarah's grin was rare, wide, and it focused on Joel then Ellie. Then it was gone as she turned back to the girls. "Let's get going. The weather looks good today so be ready for a long walk."

Lev responded with a cheeky, "Ooh-rah!" That earned a pat on the shoulder from Sarah.

---

That afternoon Ellie scouted a nice big house on a lake. It was a jointly agreed-upon decision to bed down there. They lit another fire in the hearth and huddled around it for warmth. The horses were set up in the garage again. It was a little crowded, but it was too damn cold for them outside. They'd gotten some grazing in before they were put up so hopefully that would do them.

Sarah finally pulled out the harmonica she'd snitched two days before, and she set it to her lips and delivered something way better than Ellie expected. The music was beautiful blues, but Ellie couldn't stop watching Sarah's gentle hands as they cupped, stroked, and bounced. Her fingers were as graceful as the rest of her. She had crazy dark eyelashes for her blond hair, and they fanned across her cheeks with her eyes closed in concentration as she played.

Why had Sarah apologized so much over the kiss?

Ellie felt like an idiot for dwelling on it. She felt like she was twisting herself up by thinking of all the reasons why Sarah wouldn't be interested in her: her age, her language, her impulsiveness, hell, maybe even her looks. Ellie was self-aware enough to know she needed to get a grip. In their world, the kind of shit she'd read in the diaries of pre-collapse kids was a great way to get killed.

There hadn't been anything to be careful of today during her scouting trip, but if she led them into a nest of infected, they'd all be dead. No amount of angsting over Sarah's possible feelings was going to make up for her dying because Ellie was being a fucking idiot.

Yara and Lev had watch that night so after dinner and a few more songs, Ellie shuffled off to bed. She was so exhausted that the cold didn't do much to keep her from sleeping. She woke up what felt like hours later, and the other side of the bed was empty. Either Sarah was being an idiot or something was wrong, and either way meant Ellie had to get up and take care of it.

Wriggling out from under their sleeping bags was a shock of cold, as was the wood floor through her socks, but she braved the upper hallway.

Sarah was flexing and extending Yara's arm, distracting her from the watch she kept out the upper floor window. For someone who said she wasn't a doctor, she sure touched people like one. She was firm, dispassionate, and she watched their faces for the first sign of pain. "Feels like it's healing well. You're using it, which is going to help you regain some range of motion."

"Sarah."

Sarah turned to look at her, and her eyes tracked slow from Ellie's feet to her face. Sarah's coat was open around her neck, and her hair was loose from its braid. She looked tired and sleepy and soft. She didn't seem to get the point though; her gaze just kept tracking over Ellie.

"Come on," Ellie said, losing her patience for the cold. Yara murmured something, and after a moment Sarah's heavy footsteps came down the hall. Ellie curled up under the covers as the mattress dipped with Sarah's weight. Ellie listened to her pull off her boots and her socks, then rub her feet in her nightly tradition. There was a clink as Sarah pulled her tags out from under her shirt and set them on the bedside table. Finally, cold air swirled into the warmth Ellie's body had created. Sarah replaced that air too with her own warmth.

She took two long, sleepy breaths. Then Ellie couldn't stand it anymore. "Why'd you apologize?"

Sarah grunted her question. Ellie rolled over and felt her heart beat hard. "For kissing me?"

There was a long beat of silence. "Because I didn't ask first."

'First'? That sounded good, though Sarah being so sleepy as she answered didn't give Ellie much hope. "I would have slugged you if I didn't want you to kiss me."

"Doesn't matter. I should have asked." Sarah was definitely more awake now.

"Well, next time ask me first then." Ellie rolled over, feeling triumph for saying it so easily. Sarah took another long breath. Ellie waited for words or a touch, but in the end, they both fell asleep on opposite sides of the bed.

---

They decided to stay one more day at the lakeside cabin because it was such a pretty spot. It was still pretty cold too, and a new layer of snow was going to make traveling hard. It was worth seeing if the snow would burn off that day under the sun. The day warmed above freezing, and the horses were good to be turned out to find what grass they could under the snow.

After she took care of the horses, Ellie explored the neighboring houses with Lev and Yara. They were as happy as Ellie had ever seen them, which distracted her from her embarrassment about the previous night.

Ellie tried to remember what Joel called it when a girl turned you down. It was some sport analogy, but which one? She still had trouble understanding sports as Joel tried to describe them. Was it threw a ball? Incomplete pass? Strike out? That was probably it. She knew a touchdown meant sex, but you didn't get a touchdown when you struck out.

Not that she wanted to have sex last night. Not that she wanted to have sex all the time. It wasn't like she was a giant horn-ball, as Tommy had described Joel in his youth. But she was curious, and Sarah was crazy attractive. She imagined what it would feel like to have Sarah hug her again—just without clothes on, and she was hot despite the snow on the ground.

It didn't matter anyway. She'd struck out.

Yara and Lev's sudden increase in pace distracted her from her fantasy and embarrassment in one. She saw what caught their attention and followed quickly. It was a house on stilts. They climbed the broken steps to break in and explore. It was a beautiful home, even more so when they found two guitars inside.

Best of all, Lev shot a doe by the lake. Fresh venison, something they could maybe even stew all day and add beans and some of the canned corn Sarah had dug out of the Firefly storage supply. What a lucky day.

Lev knew how to shoot a deer, but he didn't know how to skin one. Ellie showed him how to dress the deer, sweating by the time she'd gotten to working the arms off. Crunching footsteps announced someone approaching. It was Sarah, and in the light of day, Ellie couldn't feel anything but grateful for a trusted hand to help her work. Sarah smiled at the sight of the deer and drew her big knife, and Ellie's stomach swooped at the sight of her pale eyes and easy grin. Okay, so maybe that was more than grateful.

"Need a hand?"

"More like that giant knife."

Sarah grinned and got to her knees. She was surer with her cuts than Ellie, and she was strong enough to break the hindlegs out. It was hard and dirty enough work to keep Ellie's mind on business. Sarah helped Ellie drag the edible meat on the pelt, and Lev and Yara followed behind with the guitars they'd found.

"Good haul," Sarah pointed out. "Normally I'd keep the fat for soap; we have the lye for it. But it takes weeks to cure so it won't be worth the weight."

"We usually use cow fat for soap in Jackson. There are a few patches of lavender to make it smell nice." Ellie glanced back at their bounty. "Think the fire will be hot enough to stew this?"

"Let's give it a try. It's still early so we can set it up now. I bet we can eat the whole thing between us all. We can probably do a thin fry on steaks for breakfast though."

It was an all-day feast. Everyone was happy, warm, and full. Lev blushed from all the thanks he got for his kill. Their moods only got better as the sun burned off most of the snow. There were no clouds to indicate it would snow that night.

Ellie and Joel played a few songs that day, and Sarah traded off with both of them to play too. She serenaded them with her harmonica too. What Ellie liked best was hearing Sarah and Joel play together. She leaned back, drunk on happiness, and watched Joel and his daughter—or was it Sarah and her dad?—accompany each other.

Joel's low voice made Ellie stir from her sleep in the late afternoon. "Y'all did good."

"It was all Ellie," Sarah replied. Ellie woke up enough to mutter, "Sure, Sarah. You were only the one who cut his fucking fat head off."

Joel grunted. "You managed to take that anger and use it for good. I know how hard that is. Not sure I ever managed, but baby girl, you did right by these kids. Naomi, she'd be happy to see this."

Naomi. Ellie thought of her shy smile, the swell of her belly, and her sweet naivety. She'd taken to everything new as if it was a blessing. She'd talked about her sisters like they were as important to her as the little one she'd brought to Jackson with her. Ellie blinked tears from her eyes, and the ache in her chest swelled. She tried to sigh it out. Her voice was thick when she said, "Maybe."

She thought she'd break if Joel or Sarah said anything to her. They must have sensed it. Joel began to pluck his guitar before she could form the words, and she faded into the comfort of his song.

Ellie woke up in Sarah's arms. She lifted her head from Sarah's shoulder, and Sarah smiled at her with a new softness on her face. Her accent smoothed her vowels. "Easy."

Easy was okay with Ellie's eyelids heavy. She curled into Sarah's strength and warmth and sighed, letting the fingers of sleep hold onto her awareness. She stirred as Sarah removed her boots and socks and rubbed the arch of her foot. "You have a foot fetish or something?" she mumbled.

"Or something." Sarah's amusement warmed Ellie, but her eyelids were too heavy to do anything but smile. Sarah's touch moved up to her ankle under her pants, and she sat silently for a long moment. The silence became heavy. Ellie shifted, opened her eyes, regarded Sarah, who still watched her softly. Her fingers stroked Ellie's skin.

When Sarah finally spoke, her voice was as gentle as Ellie had ever heard it. "I'll ask next time."

If she'd been more awake, Ellie might have sat up to pull Sarah down to her to prompt the question. Instead she just watched Sarah watch her. She felt shy, maybe vulnerable, but she managed to ask, "How about right now?"

Sarah squeezed her ankle but pulled away to drag the bedrolls over Ellie. She removed her boots and dog tags in a familiar routine, silent all the while. Ellie rolled over, uncertain if she should feel triumphant or rejected all over again.

Sarah didn't speak until she was under the covers. Her voice was soft with sleep. "Let's get to where we're going first."

Ellie wanted to protest, to remind her how touch-and-go their lives were, argue that maybe they both wouldn't make it back to Jackson. Then Sarah reached across the warm bed, draped her arm over Ellie's side, and took Ellie's hand in her own. Her palm was damp from sweat. Nervous hands, Joel called them. Sarah cared. Sarah cared enough to be scared of this too. Ellie threaded her fingers through Sarah's and accepted her warmth.

It was enough. For now at least.