Saving the world the right way

by paxbanana

All Sarah wants is to get Yara and Lev out of Seattle, but Ellie's arrival royally screws that plan. Ellie isn't content with just surviving anymore. Spoilers for the second trailer for The Last of Us Part II.

4. Bereaver

They couldn't get to Jackson soon enough. Ellie was pretty sure they'd traveled exactly when there was the most snowfall in the year. Antarctica would probably be no worse than what they walked through daily. She was tired of the cold, the snow, and worrying about the kids and the horses making it to Jackson alive. She was pretty sure every second of every day, Sarah was counting their dwindling food supply. They'd finally opened their choicest goodies: the canned fruit. After one can of that, they all craved the beans and venison they were sick of.

At least Sarah seemed back with them. She'd given Ellie a scare more ways than one when she'd been ambushed by her men. Ellie wasn't stupid; she'd put up with Joel's dark withdrawal before. Sarah had seemed too steady and in some ways so unlike Joel that it was a surprise to get shut out. She should have put that thing between them on the backburner until Sarah said otherwise, but Ellie wasn't an expert on human relationships by a long shot.

Something had shifted between them on the road; Ellie had fucked it up somehow. Things had been awkward and dark and moody and uncomfortable. Then they sort of weren't anymore. Somehow things realigned in the other lake house when she'd un-fucked it up. Embarrassing love confessions? Yep, Ellie could check that mortifying event off her list of things-I-wish-I'd-done-better. But, well, the end result had been pretty good.

Well, they'd fucked, but the good kind. The kind that made Ellie feel like she was in a daze for a few days after. Sex wasn't supposed to be important. Most of the kids in the military prep had been nonchalant about their first time. Boys crowed and girls just shrugged. The kids in Jackson were in some ways quieter and in some ways not at all—maybe because everybody knew everybody's business in Jackson. For the most part, everyone got along just fine even if they slept with each other.

Sometimes, trudging through the cold, Ellie was struck with terror about what would happen when they got back. Or that Jackson was somehow razed and gone in the time she'd taken Joel away. She worried about her friends; Jerry, her quasi-boss; Olivia, Joel's maybe-girlfriend; and all the animals she'd helped care for and had left behind.

She was so fucking homesick, she wondered how she'd been so set to leave in the first place. But the rage and guilt that had pushed her out of Jackson had been uglier than what she felt now.

Joel had put it right, maybe: that punishing yourself could make leaving seem the best option.

Ellie glanced back at Sarah, who'd dropped back to walk with a few girls at the back of the line. She wondered what kind of punishing drove Sarah or if she'd gotten over it all. There had been some punishing when she'd crouched on that highway with that soldier suffocating to death next to her.

Curiosity was a hell of a thing. Ellie was good at not asking for the most part. She'd always stepped carefully with Joel, and now she would with Sarah. She could go as quickly as Sarah asked in this even if she wanted more.

When they paused to rest and drink, Sarah pulled out her map to show Lev where she thought they were. It was harder to track the road now that they were off of 90, but Sarah pointed at their spot just west of Wyoming's border. They'd only walked five miles that day because it was their last chance at a roof over their head before entering Wyoming. It would be a hard sixteen miles to the next town but only eight to get to Jackson after that.

"How long ago was the cabin?" Ellie asked Sarah.

Sarah's reply was a lazy warning look, and the quiet humor in it eased some of the tension around Ellie's throat. Ellie had gotten used to Sarah's entirely dilated left eye. It looked black in low light, but it was closer to red in daylight. Sarah had explained that Ellie was seeing her retina—which required a separate explanation—through her lens. The last bit of blood had absorbed, though that left Sarah wincing in the sun and snow.

Whatever damage the blow had done to her eye, it hadn't messed up her brain. Sarah answered without hesitation, "Sixteen days."

"Feels like longer."

"I don't know how you have any excess energy."

Ellie wasn't sure she had the energy to remember what they'd done that night. Didn't mean she wasn't ready for more. Didn't matter anyway. It was cold enough that they dragged all the mattresses and pillows into the living room around the fire when they stopped that night. No privacy.

Their evening turned into a nostalgia session about foods. The fruits in Washington apparently were amazing. Ellie's mouth watered as she listened to the tales about blackberries, blueberries, strawberries—every fucking berry you could think of. They talked about fried venison and chicken gizzards, bread, and jam. They even talked about the sweetness of cordial.

The kids in the cult had eaten better than Ellie had in the Boston QZ.

"I miss coffee," Joel said when they got to him. Of course he'd say that even when he had sampled more food than Ellie could ever imagine. Sarah, though, she had a good answer. "Pecan pie. Brisket. Pulled pork and barbeque ribs. Mashed potatoes. Fried chicken and those little fried potato clusters from fast food restaurants. Popcorn."

"Tommy does a pig pickin' every year," Joel told Sarah, who looked more turned on by that than the thought of being with Ellie. Bitch. Not that Ellie could claim different.

When it was her turn to share, Ellie said, "Beans."

She got a dirty wadded up shirt to the face and cracked up. She tossed Lev back his shirt. "No, if I never eat another bean again, I'll be happy. I miss biscuits."

"Bread sounds awful good," Joel muttered.

"Why are we doing this? It's just making us hungry."

"Somethin' to look forward to. Like sleep."

"And being warm again," Yara said.

"And a haircut," was Lev's wish.

"A bed," Boaz mumbled sleepily, clutching the ragged stuffed animal one of the girls had sewn from a blanket. Ruth was asleep next to him, clutching the other side of it.

Ellie thought of a bed and then of what could be done in one. Maybe the thought was loud or maybe Sarah felt the same way. She glanced over at Ellie, and her look was heavy with promise. When Sarah slept against her later, they were back to back. That didn't stop Ellie from imagining what it would be like if Sarah rolled over, cradled her in the warmth of her body, and slipped her hand into Ellie's pants.

She dreamed it—of being totally surrounded by Sarah's strength, heat, and scent—and woke up disoriented, alone, and unhappy. Sarah had gone on watch probably. Ellie's arousal faded almost immediately as a weird thump of guilt shot through her. Her exhaustion was heavy, but that dark emotion beat sleep into retreat and made her stare into the fire and hope for sleep's return.

---

Ellie scouted the last two days. The tortuous interstate changed elevation dramatically. They'd been through some hard hikes in Montana and Idaho, but this time they were underfed and exhausted. The poor horses were getting too thin from lack of grazing, but Ellie had hope Snickers would make the last thirty miles when they collapsed in their camp that night. The house was in ill repair, and snow started falling overnight, piling up in an adjacent room. Their fire was pitiful but better than nothing.

When Ellie finally saw the walls of Jackson the next day, she was shocked by how little she felt. Those walls were surreal, lit up in the dim gray of impending snow. The dam was still going then. Ellie studied the walls and the small plumes of smoke rising from houses within the town, and finally emotion crashed into her.

She'd never really believed that she would make it back.

She sat down and pressed her face to her hands, unable to draw breath. Either tears or a scream were trying to rise up and choke her. It took a few minutes to swallow it all down and get back to her feet. The thought of the group depending on her—and of bringing them the good news—pushed her to keep going.

After a minute, Ellie spotted the closest guard platform that overlooked the walls. She waved to the person manning it. They were trained to watch the places where the walls were thinnest. Ellie hadn't had guard duty in years; her farrier work was invaluable. Just thinking of work but a stone in her gut. Jerry was going to kill her for leaving; she wasn't looking forward to his scowl or that he'd dump her with the shitty work again. She could imagine the dull, shit covered knives and the shit covered boots and the shit covered aprons. And she'd get pig duty. They didn't have many—the sows killed half as many little pigs as they birthed—but the few they had were fucking loud.

Ellie raised a hand and waved towards the guard platform again. She walked a few thousand feet down the wall to talk to the sentry at the station on the wall. They would have radioed about a visitor approaching.

The face that peered over was familiar. Ellie grinned weakly. Her voice sounded weird. "Hey, Angus. I know I said I'd forgive your standing poker debt, but I was lying."

Kobe's face opened in recognition. His grin followed immediately after. "Ellie? I can't believe you're back. Is Joel with you?"

"Of course he is. And a few we picked up in Seattle. I'm gonna go back for them, but I'd appreciate it if you let Tommy and Maria know we're headed in. I figured I'd bring them up to the blue gate."

"Yeah." Kobe nodded. "I'll radio them now. How many?"

"Seventeen total with me. And five horses."

"See you then, Ellie. Glad you made it back."

He was a good guy. Most of the people in Jackson were good, even the ones she didn't get along with. There were a few shirkers and a handful of assholes, but everyone did enough to pull their weight and keep the town going.

It was more relief than anything to double back and find the group walking slowly up 22. "Almost there," Ellie told them. They'd gone through the rest of their food the day before, and it showed. Sarah had probably dropped twenty pounds of muscle since the start of the trip. The horses didn't look any better. Well, they looked worse because they were horses and Ellie wasn't in love with them.

Just the thought made her jolt. Love and sex. Seemed stupid that sex would matter. Since puberty, Ellie hadn't ever been a stranger to what sex entailed or her own body, but that knowledge didn't prepare her for the emotional whirlwind. She hadn't expected to surrender so much in the moment. Now Ellie looked at Sarah and felt the echo of that emotion.

Sarah paused and smiled gently, and it wasn't quite as scary anymore.

It was only another hour before their group skirted the abandoned part of Jackson on 22 and made their way up 191 to hit the blue gate. Tommy leaned over the edge of the gate, studied them, and nodded. The metal gates grated opened.

The kids all bunched up into a group behind Sarah. Joel glanced back at his daughter with a tight smile. He had a firm hand on Ellie's shoulder. They waited while Tommy and Maria crossed through the gates to greet them.

Tommy pulled Joel into a hug, and Maria made a beeline for Ellie, her normally gentle face tightened in a sharp look of anger or relief. Ellie sank into her hard hug and hugged her right back. The weight on her shoulders eased. "Don't you ever do that again," Maria whispered against her hair.

"Yeah," Ellie said, fighting tears herself. "Sorry."

Maria pushed her back. The tears in her eyes made Ellie choke up even more. "Did you get it out of you?"

"Yeah. Managed to help some people at the same time."

Maria studied the group of scarred girls. Her eyes lit on the two little ones too. Jackson as a whole loved little kids; these two would go to school and finally know what it felt like to be kids. They'd be stifled with attention and love.

Tommy reached out, hesitant as always before Ellie opened her arms into his hug. "Glad you're back, kiddo. With company too."

When Tommy stepped back, he glanced between Ellie and Joel and said, "I reckon y'all have quite the story to tell. Let's get everyone inside and fed though. No use standing out in the cold."

Joel cleared his throat but nodded. Whatever opening he had to introduce Sarah was rapidly shrinking as Tommy and Maria led the group through the gates. Ellie recognized the woman that walked up to them. She glanced back at Lev, motioning that it was okay to hand the horses over.

Molly knew enough about horses to take direction. She respected Ellie about that, even if she had never warmed to her like the guys in their age group. She did have a smile and a gentle wrist squeeze. "Glad you're back, Ellie."

"Thanks. Take care of these sweeties for me. Just one flake of hay every few hours for the skinny ones. If Jerry's in the barn, can you ask him to check them over? And this old man…" Ellie rubbed Snickers on the velvet of his nose. "Give him lots of love, okay?"

"I will, Ellie."

Ellie watched the horses led away until Sarah squeezed her elbow as she passed. "Take care of yourself before you worry about them, okay?"

Up ahead, she could hear Joel discuss the chances of them being followed with Tommy. He glanced back at Sarah more than once, but Sarah didn't answer his obvious uncertainty. She kept walking abreast with Ellie, her boots squeaking in the packed snow of Broadway Street.

"What do you think?" Ellie asked her after a minute. The buildings on either side were familiar. The path was familiar. Ellie had never understood what it meant to feel safe until she was in Jackson long enough to itch to get away from it. It was so civilized: signs up, people nodding as they walked by, and the guarantee of a warm meal and a roof over their head without a tradeoff.

"Seems quiet."

"Most people work the walls and the food supply. Adults take turns with duty at the dam, keeping it safe and making sure it keeps working. Tommy will give the spiel at some point about working together for the whole. It all boils down to: we work hard so we don't have to kill people."

"Do people choose what they do?"

"I guess. More than anyone in the Boston QZ seemed to."

"Fair enough."

"So, he familiar?"

Sarah glanced up at Tommy and shook her head, but she said, "Yeah. Like Dad was."

Yara stepped between them, watching her surroundings warily. "Where are we going?"

"Mess hall. Food. Just down the block." Ellie pointed to their destination. She hadn't even thought about how they would feel about being led through a strange place. "Joel and I live down Gross Street, down to the right. It's a little pink two-story house. I work in the fields mostly, but we work cattle and horses at the barn up to the left. And the hospital is up Broadway on the left too."

The cafeteria was housed in a building that was their main headquarters—a kind of government building, central eatery, and lodging for travelers. It was an old, fancy hotel back before things went to shit. Their mess hall was tucked into a corner of the building. In the summer, the glass windows and doors were often left open to keep the heat from building up, but the glass windows had been boarded up for winter to conserve heat.

The smell of cooking food from the kitchen was delicious. There was a mix of long tables and small square ones, set out just the same as the day Ellie left. The warmth in the room flooded her limbs. Ellie kicked off her boots in the designated spot, glancing at the familiar muck-covered barn boots already occupying the boot rack. Damn; she wasn't looking forward to this.

Only a few people sat at tables eating a late lunch. One of those men had a scraggly brown beard, and he lifted his eyes to take in Ellie. There was a flash of surprise on his tanned face, then a deep scowl. His cheeks were ruddy, either from his anger or the sun.

"Hey, Jerry."

He finished chewing his mouthful and wiped his mouth. His eyes tracked over the other people filing into the cafeteria. He nodded to Joel, who nodded back. Jerry glanced at Ellie. "You have tomorrow to recuperate, then we're working cattle in the northeast field. Sunup. All your shit sharpened and ready. I trust you didn't forget what you do here."

"No, sir," she said.

Jerry nodded and went back to his meal.

Well, that hadn't been as bad as she'd expected, but Ellie could bet she'd get some silent treatment for a while. Shit: work. She wished she could relearn that feeling of looking forward to all the shit she'd learn instead of fearing all the shit she could fuck up. "That's my boss," she told Lev. Lev studied Jerry for a long moment before turning back to Ellie. Ellie clarified, "He's good people, okay? If you wanna do what I do, you have to trust him."

Tommy raised his voice to the group. "Sit, everyone. We'll get you some grub."

"I'll bet you girls are tired," Maria said gently. She sat on the adjacent cafeteria table, her eyes tracking across the group. The girls seemed to hover, watching Sarah for their cue, and Sarah sat down heavily. Yara and Lev took the seat on either side of her, and the girls clustered near her.

Ellie crossed to the other side of the long table. Tommy sat beside her, his gaze repeatedly returning to Sarah in curiosity. Joel scraped his chair on the floor as he settled beside Ellie. Ellie caught Sarah's eye, raising her eyebrows in question. She had no idea what Sarah was feeling, but Sarah offered a reassuring smile.

"Do I know you?" Tommy asked her.

"It's been a while, Uncle Tommy."

Tommy grinned as if it was a joke, his head cocked in question. His smile faded when Sarah didn't look away, and Tommy turned to Joel. Ever eloquent, Joel only gave a curt nod in confirmation. Tommy looked back and shook his head. "Sarah? But how… You were bleeding out."

"I'm sure it took a miracle and more than a few units of blood." Sarah stood up again, opened her coat, and lifted her shirt to show smooth skin, muscles, and her wicked scar. Joel took a breath at the sight; maybe he hadn't seen it yet. Tommy leaned forward, his eyes tracking from Sarah's scar to her face. He got up abruptly and rounded the table. He hesitated, but Sarah stepped into his hug. She was nearly as tall as he was.

"Where the hell have you been, girl?"

"All over. But I'm here now."

"I can't believe it. You're welcome in whatever way you want to be here. I hope you'll stay."

Sarah smiled, steady even in this. "I hear it's a nice place to live."

"We try."

Tommy finally peeled his gaze away to motion to Maria. "Sarah, this is my wife, Maria. Maria, this is my goddamn niece."

Maria reached across the table to take Sarah's hand, curious but subdued. "I've heard so much about you. Tommy and your father thought you hung the moon."

"I hear you have a little one. Congratulations."

"He'll be awful happy to see both of you back." Both Tommy and Maria softened as they looked to each other and then to Joel and Ellie.

Ellie hated how relieved she was to be addressed. She regrouped and asked, "How's the little turd?"

"Still a turd." Maria turned her attention to the table of strangers and seemed to consider a question, but a few mess hall workers came out with trays of food for everyone. Jenny was one of them, and she dropped a full plate in front of Ellie and then seized her up in a hug. Ellie wanted to laugh because her face was pressed into Jenny's breasts, but she wasn't sure if she'd cry.

"Glad you came back, you idiot," Jenny said as she let go and went back into the cafeteria, wiping her face on her apron as she did.

Ellie looked at her plate as she blinked away tears.

Potatoes—mashed fucking potatoes probably made with butter and milk. She'd been given a whopping serving of brown gravy, a biscuit, green beans, and several slices of roast beef. It took her less than three minutes to scarf it down. Everyone else ate with the same enthusiasm.

Then Jenny came back out with slices of pie for everyone. They were getting spoiled rotten. The pie was probably made as a favor to someone else, but they got the spoils. The sour cherries weren't nearly the great flavor of the ones they'd eaten out of cans, but it was hard to beat sugar and pie crust and heat and the cold glass of milk they were given too.

"Drink just a little," Sarah told the girls even as she swigged half her glass. "It can upset your stomach. All this food might do that anyway."

Most of the girls listened. Yara definitely did. She sipped her milk slowly, taking deep breaths with each taste. Ellie wished she hadn't been so hungry she'd missed the looks on their faces after the first taste of each bite.

Boaz and Ruth had pie filling on their cheeks. The kids looked like they were going to pass out right then. Ellie felt it too, but something pushed her to her feet. She needed to get out. Ellie got up from the table and pulled her coat back on. Jerry had left while she was engrossed in her meal, but she couldn't assume he'd stopped by the barn before going out in the fields.

"Where're you going?" Joel asked her, his brow furrowed.

"Horses."

"Jerry can take care of it, Ellie."

She ignored him as she shrugged her coat on. "You staying here for now?"

"Sit down," Joel said firmly. His worry was stifling. Tommy immediately put a hand on Joel's shoulder and played peacekeeper. "We can set up you kids in rooms upstairs, maybe use the meeting room on the second floor to chat if you're up to it. I'm feeling a nip of whiskey won't be a bad thing for us adults. Come on back when you're ready, Ellie. We'll keep some warm for you."

The look that passed between Tommy and Maria was obvious. Maria got up to follow Ellie out into the cold. Maria pulled on her coat as she took two strides to catch up to Ellie. They turned their feet up Broadway and popped their collars to avoid the cold wind. "What happened, Ellie?"

"Got to Seattle, and I found Sarah before I found the cult. We managed to make it right together."

"Did you know who she was?"

"Pretty quick. We met Joel on the way back."

"You saved those girls without him?"

Ellie only nodded.

"You want to talk about what you found up there?"

"Not yet."

Maria dropped it. She'd always been good about when to push and when to let things go, unlike Joel, who pestered Ellie to open the fuck up when he wanted her to. Now she asked, "How were they when they met?"

"They tried to kill each other before I told them they were dumbasses."

"What is she?"

At first Ellie thought Maria was asking about Sarah's sexuality, which was a weird question for the woman who had once shouted in a town meeting that the bigots of Jackson were fucking idiots. Maria clarified, "What was she when you found her?"

There was no answer that would work, not without Ellie sitting down for the afternoon to characterize Sarah. Military, violent, powerful, deadly, and hating all of that. Loyal to her men but willing to kill the ones that betrayed her. A gentle, vulnerable lover. Brave enough to stand up for the right thing, and willing to follow Yara, Lev, and Ellie into hell. Loving Ellie despite herself.

Ellie sighed. "She's just Sarah."

"I think you said that about Joel when I asked the same question."

Ellie shrugged.

They parted ways on Cache Street. Ellie entered the barn, landing abruptly back home. The smells of hay, horses, and manure were comforting and safe. That feeling of rightness she'd expected to fill her when she stepped into Jackson finally curled its fingers into her heart. Just a little bit of this was right. When Ellie found her voice, she called out a 'hello' and got back a grumbling return from Jerry. Ellie found him with Snickers in a cross-tie. He was studying the old horse's feet.

"Scrawny feller."

"Yeah. Not much grazing recently."

"You did good."

Relief tightened her throat. Ellie tried to hide how much it affected her to get a compliment from a man who was stingy about giving them. Jerry continued without missing a beat. "He still needs some work, but coming near a thousand miles ain't bad. Maybe he'll fatten up in our barn." He shot her a look. "Strict feeding instructions already posted on his stall. Don't you worry."

"Think we could just retire him?"

Jerry dropped Snicker's foot and snorted at her. "We'll see what he wants to do. Some horses don't like to be idle. I'll look at the others. Go back to your family, girl. I told you sunup in two days. No work."

"Okay, sure." She backed away and walked down the aisle. There were two new foals in the barn, still housed with their dams. Her favorite horse, Skittles, was still there and still a bitchy mare. She snorted when Ellie came up to her stall door and turned to approach and sniff.

Ellie stepped inside the stall and rubbed Skittles's firm black cheeks. She pressed her nose to Skittles's hair, taking a breath of her scent. "Hey, bitch. You got fat."

Skittles snorted gently; she dropped her head over Ellie's shoulder. She'd probably be smug about her weight if she could understand what Ellie was saying. Fat Morgan. Skittles fit her breed to a T. Ellie brushed her down, smiling when Skittles nibbled at her sleeve. Ellie rubbed down her legs but didn't lift her feet. Skittles had had some issues with her right knee, but it was looking okay today.

Jerry walked by and muttered something rude under his breath. Ellie chuckled, shook out the horse brush, and returned Skittles's materials to her stall bucket. Ellie snitched a flake of the fresh green hay and fluffed it and tossed it into her stall. Skittles immediately started working on it.

On the way back to the hotel, Ellie was attacked by a flying blonde baby that shrieked happily to see her. Ellie took him from Maria and hugged the little bugger. She grunted as she put him on her hip. Will demanded to see Uncle Joel, of course, using more words than he had prior to Ellie leaving. But he hadn't exactly been talking before though.

"We're going, little toe-head."

Tommy had taken Joel and Sarah into the comfortable warm meeting room on the second floor of the hotel. Yara sat with them, but she was tucked into a chair close to the fireplace. She listened quietly to the conversation around her. Here Ellie was in the throws of whatever this was, and Yara was in a new place with strange people and she took it all in calmly.

Ellie pulled up short because there was Olivia, standing with her hand on the back of Joel's chair.

Olivia and Joel had started seeing each other a few summers ago after Ellie's right arm was caught in the chute with a flailing calf. She'd been lucky not to be more hurt, but it hadn't felt that way at the time, especially when Olivia discovered Ellie's scar.

It had worked out in more ways than one. One of Olivia's daughters helped Ellie plan her tattoo, and she'd carefully applied it over several months. In that time, Olivia and Joel had found something between them. She fit Joel. She wasn't violently fierce like Tess had been, but she was firm and knew her mind. Her dark hair was grayed enough to show her age, and she wore it pulled away from her face severely. She had a comfortably pretty face. Today it was pinched with worry, but her expression opened when Ellie walked in.

Ellie suspected that Olivia would have taken her in as a third daughter if Ellie had given any indication she wanted it.

Ellie set Will down in Joel's lap, where he immediately tugged at Joel's beard. Ellie accepted Olivia's hug. She expected a lecture; Olivia had given her one rightfully before. This time, Olivia just cupped her cheeks and met Ellie's gaze fiercely. "Don't do that to us again."

Jesus. It was enough to put tears in her eyes. She'd been so consumed by self-hatred she'd forgotten about the people who cared about her here, and they were coming at her from all sides. "Okay."

Olivia stepped back and studied Ellie. "I have to get back to the hospital, but you and Joel are coming over tonight."

"Oh." Ellie hadn't been sure what she'd do later other than burrow her way into Sarah's bed. She glanced at Joel, who gave a half-shrug. "Okay."

After Olivia left, Tommy poured Ellie a drink. They sat and talked; there was a lot to discuss. There was talk about the situation in Seattle. Sarah supplied some information about possible QZs around the country and the dates that they all probably fell. They talked about the past—pre-collapse and post, about what had happened in Jackson since Ellie left. Sarah fell asleep by the fire eventually, and Tommy and Joel stared at her in wonder.

"Sorry I hit you. You were right," Joel finally said.

"Didn't feel like it at the time. But goddamn, if I made one right choice, that was it." After a few minutes of studying Sarah, Tommy said, "She's not like I imagined."

Joel grunted his reply.

Ellie didn't have the same problem. The photograph and Joel's nostalgic memories were distant concepts, not tied at all to the woman across the room. Sarah felt more real to Ellie than she felt to herself.

---

Olivia cut Joel's hair and beard before dinner, and he looked ten years younger with all that scraggly stuff off his face and neck. Then she trimmed Ellie's hair too. Olivia cooked a chicken for them and gave Joel and Ellie each a half of the breast. The rest of the meat was divided pretty evenly among the entire family, which included Olivia's two daughters. They polished off a pot of rice too.

It was good to catch up, but this family thing felt itchy and confining again after Seattle. Ellie had gotten out of the habit of accepting the comfort of a warm kitchen and being surrounded by people who cared about her and didn't have a greater worry than how they were going to feed the town over the next two months. Olivia's daughters talked about their families and their responsibilities, and Ellie knew she could never describe what she'd seen and done to these women. They wouldn't understand her rage or violence.

It wasn't fair that these adults couldn't conceptualize the horrors that the little kids at the hotel knew better than the comfort of true family.

After dinner, Ellie pulled her coat back on.

"Where you going? Back to the horses?" Joel asked her.

"Sure. I may stay with the kids at the hotel. I bet they're nervous about being here."

Joel took one of those long moments to study her; she always felt naked when he did that. Then he gave a short nod. "I'll see you at breakfast. We're going over ground rules and then a check-up with Olivia and Doc."

Ellie had missed that, but she saw by Olivia's firm look that she would skip that at her peril. "Sure. Night. Thanks for dinner, Olivia."

"Goodnight, baby girl."

She'd accepted the title without issue before, but now it gave her pause.

The streets were lit sparsely but enough for safety. Ellie shook her flashlight and trudged down the packed snow of Broadway Street. She wasn't sure what she was feeling in that moment, but it wasn't happy. She needed Sarah more than she cared to; she needed to sleep next to her again, even if it was in a shared hotel room with fourteen other people.

Ellie stomped her feet and nodded to Skylar, who was guarding the bottom floor of the hotel…for or against their guests, she didn't know. Nor did she care. "What rooms?"

"210 through 212. Welcome back, girlie."

Ellie took the steps up to the second floor and knocked on 210. Yara opened the door. She offered a surprising smile. "Sarah's in 212."

Was she that transparent? "Are you feeling okay?"

"Yes. This place is different than Seattle. I trust you and Joel. And the lights..."

"Do you need anything?"

Yara shook her head "They brought up bath water and showed us how to unlock the door between our rooms."

Ellie peeked in and saw the kids were all clustered together, washing their clothing and smiling more than she'd seen in a long time. Little Ruth stood by the light switch and flicked it on and off, her mouth open as she stared at the light bulb. "Get some shut-eye. I'll see you in the morning. You know how to set the lock, right?"

Yara nodded. She shut the door, and Ellie listened until she heard the slide of the chain on the other side. With her heart suddenly thumping hard, she walked down the hall to knock on 212. She waited for nearly a minute before the door opened. Sarah only wore her t-shirt and underwear, and her hair was wet.

"Bad time?"

Sarah smiled and stepped aside. Ellie walked into the room. She'd been here a few times. It wasn't the warmest place in Jackson, but the window was boarded up, and there were plenty of blankets piled on the bed, and best of all, the fireplace was in working order. Unlike the neighboring corner rooms, this was a single with one bed. Ellie glanced over at Sarah again, who stripped out of her clothes just like that and walked back into the bathroom.

Ellie followed, unable to take her eyes off of Sarah. She'd lost weight, yeah, but she still was beautiful. Sarah didn't have much of a womanly form, but she was different kind of angular than Ellie. She was all muscle and strength, and every part of her coiled when she crouched down by the half-full bathtub. Sarah glanced up with soap on her chest and face.

"It's still warm."

Maybe it was weird to feel so self-conscious. They'd gotten naked together before they'd had sex, but the dim electric light still showed more than any fire. Ellie guessed that if she wanted Sarah, she had to get over being shy. She stripped out of her clothes and crouched next to Sarah, splashing herself with warm water and scrubbing her skin with lavender-scented Jackson soap. Sarah pulled her shirt back on while Ellie was finishing. She leaned close and helped Ellie scrub her hair and rinse it.

After Ellie dried her body, Sarah engulfed Ellie's head with a towel and scrubbed it. She leaned over Ellie and smiled at her through the mirror. "Feel better?" She moved the towel down to massage the back of Ellie's neck with it and met her gaze in the mirror. "Let's get you in bed."

Ellie wanted to say something witty or charming or even snarky, but her voice failed her. Instead, she crossed the small room and climbed under the sheets. Sarah shucked her shirt and stood naked for a moment. Ellie drank in the sight of her, the slow rise and fall of her abdomen with each breath, the dark, hungry expression on her face. When Sarah crawled under the blankets, she gently pulled Ellie flush against her body. Then Sarah kissed her slow and easy and deep.

Porn had given Ellie so many weird expectations—about how sex would feel, sound, and well, be. The reality was weird too but in a different way than her expectations. Now she figured what they did was probably not elegant to watch, but it felt good. Accepting that her body's imperfections were not abnormal was a weird thing too.

There was a kind of communication to this, the way that they held each other. And yet sometimes it felt so overwhelmingly lonely—moments that made Ellie gasp and pull away in fear. But as soon as Sarah kissed her again, wrapped an arm around her or murmured her name, it was all okay again. Emotion and physical got all mixed up together into a mess of things that scared and fulfilled in one.

After it was all done, Sarah lay against her back and breathed into her hair. Her thumb stroked over the skin of Ellie's side. In that moment, Ellie had never felt closer to another person in her life.

She was nearly asleep when Sarah's hand moved, tracing circles lower and lower and lower… Ellie woke up body and mind and shifted her legs so that she opened herself to Sarah's questing fingers, and they did it all over again.

This time, Sarah used her weight to partly pin Ellie to the bed, and Ellie muffled her cries with her face in the mattress as her hips jerked against Sarah's touch when she orgasmed. Jesus… Sarah extricated herself gently and wrapped Ellie back up again. Her kisses were gentle on the side of Ellie's neck.

"Are you okay?"

Okay how? Ellie wanted to ask. Okay about what they did? Okay they were back in Jackson? Okay that Sarah got hurt on the trip or that those two little girls died to get Ellie to Washington in the first place? Okay that there hadn't been a shift in Joel from Ellie to Sarah? She collected herself and went for the easiest question and easiest answer.

Ellie rolled over to cup Sarah's cheek and kissed her. No matter how Sarah meant the question, Ellie could guess Sarah had some sort of self-flagellating bullshit fear she'd been too rough. "Better than okay. Stop treating me like glass. I know how to say 'I don't like that'."

"It's not that easy when you don't have experience."

She could get mad about it, but she couldn't deny that Sarah's fears eased her own. Maybe sex was always kind of scary with someone new. "You're implying you have a lot, but you seem more scared than I am."

Sarah shifted her weight, stroking Ellie's cheek and meeting her gaze with a long look. "I don't want to fuck this up."

"So we figure it out together. I mean, I have no idea if it's normal to have sex twice in a row like we did. Can I ask you to do things to me or is that weird? And do we have sex when we're on our periods? Is that considered unhealthy or gross? Do we have to come the same number of times every time? We're only allowed to do this with each other, right? We better be."

Sarah gave an abrupt laugh. "And here I was only worried about consent."

No shit. This woman had apologized a thousand times just for kissing Ellie without asking. Ellie blew air between her lips. "That's the easy part. I'll tell you if I don't like something, but I get the feeling you'd stop way before we hit that point anyway. So shut up and go to sleep unless you want to answer my actual hard questions."

Sarah sighed, but she smiled and kissed Ellie gently. "Yes, ma'am."

---

Morning came too fast. Ellie slept better than she had since she left Jackson. The combination of warmth, a soft bed, Sarah, and safety put her in a deep sleep with strange dreams. When a heavy knock sounded on the door, they both startled awake. Sarah crawled over Ellie, put on her clothes, and murmured with someone with the door cracked.

She climbed back in bed to wrap Ellie up and kiss her soundly. "Time for breakfast. Apparently Tommy's going to go over some ground rules this morning."

They ate grits with cheese grated on them and slabs of Jackson bacon, which was from a mixture of venison and beef fat. There were hard boiled eggs too. The kitchen staff was giving them prime treatment. After they ate, they set up in the movie hall, and Tommy sat on the stage with Joel and Maria. The newcomers sat in the audience. Ellie was surprised to be waved up on the stage too, and she sat awkwardly there, swinging her legs as she listened to Tommy's spiel not for the first time.

"So, rules in Jackson are pretty simple. Who's younger than fourteen?"

The girls glanced at each other warily. Only Ruth and Boaz raised their hands. Liars. Tommy nodded. "Kids go to school. Even if a few of you are older, you can go to school for a year if you want. If you can't read, you need to start learning. That's important for almost all jobs here in Jackson. So, who can read?"

None of them raised their hands. Sarah had already mentioned illiteracy was a tool the cult used to control their kids and women. It pissed Ellie off as much now as it had when Yara had first stated none of them got an education in anything but skewed Bible rhetoric, which was fucked up enough as it was. As far as Ellie was concerned, Apostle Paul could burn in motherfucking hell.

"We have a couple empty houses down Jean Street real close to the school. It's just across from our cattle working yard. Y'all can set up in them. We have some extra firewood chopped to keep those houses warm; just ask if you need more. School is in the morning every five days; two days off. We try to take it easy on Sundays; we rotate guard duty on those days and give most of the rest of the town a break. For now, Maria can show y'all around town until you get a feel for what you may wanna do."

Maria waited for Tommy to finish and said, "Rules are simple. No stealing. If you need something, ask for it. We try to keep a tally about who takes what, but we have provisions for lean times for folks. You'll have chores to help around town; no shirking. No violence. Some of us are armed in town for protection, but leave any guns at home unless you're on the wall or in the fields."

"Knives?" Sarah asked.

"Within reason," Tommy said. "No machetes, but a good skinning knife is okay."

"No rape. Period," Maria said firmly. "Rapers are outcast or killed. Murder means the same. No leaving without an escort. Let someone know if you're going outside the walls. If you want to leave us permanently, we won't keep you here, but we may delay you leaving to make sure you know what you want—including where you're going."

They finally turned to Ellie, who glared at them for asking her to participate. Finally, Ellie sighed and reluctantly added her piece. "If you open a gate, close it behind you. No exceptions. The last thing we need is the herd running down Broadway Street. That goes if you leave town through the fields. But really just don't. The fences are electric so no touching. And don't piss on them. That's gross and stupid."

At least Ellie earned a few smiles from the nervous kids facing her. There were a few questions in the end, and Sarah didn't even ask all of them.

When they finished with that small session, everyone bundled up to walk down Broadway to the hospital. Ellie was pleased to see Doc. His gentle smile was pleasant, and he hugged Ellie gently. Doc checked everyone with a basic physical, and Olivia performed pelvic exams all around, probably exceedingly gentle with all the girls. Ellie sat that one out with Boaz and Ruth.

Ellie wouldn't be surprised if a few of the girls were pregnant, but she hadn't noticed any of them getting bigger on the trip. Maybe they'd all escaped that burden.

Joel plucked Ellie out of that task before she could pull Sarah aside to discuss any plans, and before she knew it, she'd had a full day and was tucked into her own bed and falling asleep listening to Joel's snores through the thin walls of their little pink house. She didn't mind sleeping alone, but that didn't mean she hadn't gotten used to sleeping against Sarah's warmth.

---

The first few weeks were shaky for everyone. Even Ellie felt overwhelmed by her job and returning to her relationships. On one hand, being with her friends made her happy, but they were so damn much. It took a hell of a lot of emotional energy to devote herself to so many people in Jackson, especially when they wanted her to be the way she had been before Naomi and Lia and Seattle.

That made Ellie miss Sarah all the more.

At least Snickers was doing better. He gained a little weight and put on muscle in just the few weeks they were refeeding him. That was a bright spot of relief about this whole damn thing, even when the girls weren't transitioning quite as well. The other horses were doing just fine, and they weren't training up too bad when she and Jerry worked them on warm days.

Lev had said that he wanted in on this work, but he was stuck getting an education for at least half a year. Ellie consoled him by lying about how much she'd enjoyed the months of enforced schooling of her first year at Jackson. At least Lev would learn something new and useful.

Sarah set up in a house near the school in neighboring houses with the kids; it was the only way the girls would move out of the hotel. Sarah was consumed with them; she walked them to school in the morning and picked them up from it to take them to the mess hall in the late afternoon. As for Sarah, she was accepted without much fuss into an apprenticeship with Doc and Olivia. She wasn't the first apprentice, but she would be the most knowledgeable and dedicated. Doc and Olivia were probably holding their breath with the hope she'd hold out to make it.

The only job Ellie thought was worse than her own was the town doctors. Though they had a few people that would service minor illnesses—coughs and bruises and such—Olivia and Doc were the main medical experts in Jackson. Being there were only two of them, the hours weren't regular, and there was a shitty amount of pressure because the stakes could be crazy high. No one wanted to fuck up and kill someone. Doc wasn't there yet, but that was only because Olivia knew enough to step in when he was forgetting himself.

The herds were left in the wayside, but Jerry kept muttering as soon as Sarah got her feet with the people, he'd have her out in the fields learning to palpate and check feet. He and Ellie knew enough to avoid foot rot; to castrate and brand; and to do pregnancy checks, but any more than that, the animal had better fix itself or it was going on the dinner table. Ellie wasn't looking forward to the next calf that would have to be pulled or the next dystocia that passed them by none the wiser.

In the end, Olivia was Ellie's closest link to Sarah those first few weeks. She relayed stories about Sarah's cool under fire when Ellie and Joel ate with her in the evenings. She had nothing but praise for how gently Sarah handled her patients and how much she already knew about anatomy and physiology.

Joel was staying with Olivia more than usual, but Ellie kept to their old pink house and her room there with all its cold solitude. Sometimes the silence in the house sat as heavy as the places filled with the people who looked to her to be happy, but Olivia's house wasn't home even if Joel was comfortable enough in Olivia's bed.

Ellie sometimes considered asking Sarah over. She didn't have the courage to invite her into her cold room, especially when they saw so little of each other through the weeks. Sometimes she even doubted what they'd had together, no matter how much of an idiot she told herself she was being.

Joel beat Ellie to the invitation. Sarah came over for a drink after dinner in the mess hall one night, and Joel gave her the 'nickel tour'. The problem was, Ellie went out with friends to the saloon for drinks and board games—including old fashioned poker—and she came home drunk for the first time since she'd left. She was surprised by Sarah and Joel playing guitar together by the fire. Even Tommy was there, sipping whiskey and chewing on an old cigar.

She shouldn't begrudge the time they took to be together and know each other, but she did anyway. How shitty was that? Ellie had nearly said something stupid, but Joel got under her arm, half-carried her upstairs, and poured her into her bed. He came back upstairs with a cup of water and made her drink it. Then Joel leaned close and kissed her temple. "Sleep tight, kiddo. Glad you had a good night."

Whatever negative emotion Ellie carried faded into something like contentment as she listened to the soft pluck of their guitars and the quiet murmur of conversation between songs. The old house had thin walls, and the sounds of their happiness filled it up and leeched into Ellie too.

When Ellie dropped her tray on the table with Olivia and Sarah during lunch the next day, Sarah added to that warmth when she coyly said, "I would have liked to see your room. Dad tells me you have some fun collections."

If Olivia hadn't been there, Ellie would have said she only needed one bed for the both of them, but instead she nodded. She blushed to see Sarah looking back at her with something a lot like hunger on her face. The look passed almost as soon as Ellie caught her eye, and it gave her a shot of hope.

For someone who had a fucked-up eye, Sarah was still damn beautiful.

When they passed each other in the street three weeks after coming to Jackson—and the last time they'd been together—they both paused and slipped into shadows between buildings. Sarah's kiss was fierce and greedy, and despite the snow and cold, Ellie burned up with it. Ellie wanted to ask her to come home with her, but Sarah seemed like she had somewhere to be. Joel was already at the house so there would be no privacy even if her night was free.

"Can I see you tomorrow?" Sarah asked.

"God, yeah. I think tomorrow's supposed to be light."

"Come by the hospital if you finish before dark. If not, come to my place on Jean." Sarah gave her a long, firm hug. Ellie wanted to burrow into her and make herself comfortable, but she stepped back when Sarah let her go.

The thought of tomorrow comforted her through that lonely night.

---

Ellie got off work at a reasonable time the next day. The good weather hastened their already light work with the cows, and Jerry was feeling uncharacteristically generous that day. Ellie changed out of her shit-covered work clothes into jeans, a t-shirt, and flannel button down. She grudgingly accepted the logic of Sarah's choice in footwear and hadn't traded her combat boots for sneakers.

She took a few minutes to sharpen her knives and brush down her leather apron. Then Ellie pulled on her coat. It was made from cow leather and wool, and it had soft rabbit fur trim. The coat was her most prized piece of clothing other than her old hand-sewn Stetson. She'd left them here, not planning on cold weather dropping so quickly and not liking the thought of such a nice coat and hat going to waste.

A few of her friends were in the streets, moving as quickly as she was for the need to get somewhere in the cold. They nodded to each other, but Kobe stopped and turned to walk beside her for half a block. "We're meeting in two nights at the old hotel in south end. Drinks, cards, maybe some gambling. I'm winning back my money."

"What time?" Ellie made herself ask.

"After suppertime. You in?"

"Maybe," was her rote answer. "Say 'hi' to Kinsey, Holstein."

"Sure. Where you headed?"

"Hospital. Checking in. See you."

She continued down Broadway, leaving him with another question lingering in the air. They were worried about her, but she had nothing in her to ease that worry. A part of her even resented it.

The hospital was a cluster of one-story buildings, but they didn't need all that space. Jackson's current hospital was in the largest building that had the best facilities. Ellie stepped into the doors, jarred as always by the sound of electricity. The hospital was one of the two buildings that got electricity all the time. The rest was rationed to the wall, fences, and work places.

It was quiet that day. No one was waiting, but a man she recognized sat in the chair and chatted with Olivia while Doc coached Sarah as she sewed up his hand. The man in the chair looked over and grinned. "Hey, El."

She hated Pete's nickname for her, and he knew it. "Hey, Penis. What happened to you?"

"Oh, you know. Jumped off the loft in the hay barn, and my ring got caught on a bit of wire. My ring and finger stayed ten feet up, and the rest of me went down. It's your fault, you know."

"How the hell is that my fault?" Ellie said, her brow furrowed. She realized now that Sarah was suturing the stump that remained of Pete's left pinky finger. She and doc wore old gloves that were both a bit bloody. While Peter was forming complete sentences, his words were slurred.

"Well, if you'd taken my mother's ring last year, I wouldn't have ripped my finger off with it today."

Ellie blushed, especially when Olivia shot her a look of shock. Peter—PeePee as she'd called him until Penis was easier—had been quiet about the proposal, and he'd accepted her denial kindly. Ellie had her suspicions about his sexuality, but she'd never asked for fear of him guessing the same about her. "Well, my ring finger would be gone, which is a lot more important than the pinky, asshole. But you'd be dead because I would have killed you by now if you were my husband. Are you drunk?"

"Very. The painful stuff seems mostly over. Should have been here when they cut off the rest of the bone. Maybe my pool game will get better with only four fingers to contend with."

Sarah studied the swollen edge of his wound. Doc shifted as he studied it too. All three of the resident medical experts started discussing debriding, antibiotics, gram coverage, tetanus, and more mumbo-jumbo. Pete nodded his head along with them as if listening to a song in his head. Then he started to sing about the nerve that had been ripped partly out of his hand. He mentioned it being nearly a foot long.

Gross.

"What brings you by?" Olivia finally asked Ellie.

"I wanted to see if Sarah was done for the day."

That answer seemed to surprise Olivia, but Sarah smiled. "Soon."

"Yep. I can wait while you finish."

Olivia studied them both curiously. Doc, however, offered an unassuming smile. "Enjoy the early nights while you can. You'll move up to on-calls soon. It's not unusual to have your sleep interrupted overnight. Especially during calving season."

"Yes, sir."

"Oorah," Ellie muttered quietly under her breath. Sarah shot her a teasing glare.

It was another half hour before Sarah pulled her coat on. She looked different out of her military clothes. Jeans weren't practical in their world, but she sure looked good in a pair. She wore a wool button-down and kept her dark military coat. Her hair was in its normal braid, but it was looser than usual; a few blond wisps framed her face. She looked good. Really good.

"So… Penis asked you to marry him?" she asked warmly in the cold evening.

"That makes it so much funnier," Ellie giggled. "I think we would have been beards for each other. Or Peter thought I'd be one for him."

Sarah accepted that explanation without protest. Ellie followed as Sarah led them through the snowy streets to a house that hadn't been occupied since Joel and Ellie first started living in Jackson. It was chilly in the house, but Sarah had a bundle of wood that she used to get a warm fire going in the living room.

"Sit down. Get comfortable." Sarah disappeared into the kitchen.

"Should I take my clothes off yet?"

Sarah laughed at what Ellie had only half-intended to be a joke. Ellie's immediate embarrassment faded. Sarah came back into the room, sat down on the couch beside Ellie, and kissed her slow and easy.

"Mm, not a question now," Ellie mumbled against her lips.

"Let's eat first."

"Fine," she groaned. "Have it your way."

The food was from the mess hall, but it was just fine cold. They had slabs of roast beef on hard-crusted bread and thin-fried potatoes. Ellie couldn't get over how much could be done with potatoes. Rice and beans…not so much. They only drank water, but after dinner, Sarah offered Ellie cordial.

"Not your favorite?" she asked, watching Ellie take a sip.

"I kind of like whiskey better now. But it's good."

"I'll keep that in mind for next time."

'Next time' was a boon. Ellie glanced again at the bundle of pillows and blankets on the floor in front of the fire. "Please tell me we're having sex."

"I was hoping to make a romantic evening of it."

"Does that mean sex?"

"It can."

"So can I take my clothes off?"

Sarah's smile was affectionate. She smoothed her fingertips over Ellie's cheek. "I'd like to do that."

Jesus. Ellie pulsed low in her core, and she knew she was in for a night to remember. Sarah kissed her softly and took her time removing Ellie's clothes. Ellie returned the favor—albeit with more rush. Ellie couldn't get over Sarah's body. She'd put weight right back on in the last few weeks, but it was all muscle.

This wasn't anything like she'd assumed it would be, and Sarah spent some time answering a few of Ellie's lingering questions about how all this worked, including a definitive answer to the exclusivity question. Maybe Pete had brought it up, but Ellie was relieved to hear they would only be doing this with each other.

It had to be late by the time they'd tired themselves out. They both pulled on shirts for warmth, but the fire was nice along with the pile of blankets Sarah had draped over them. Their bare legs intertwined under the blankets.

"Tell me about when you were bitten."

The request sent Ellie's heart to thumping. Sarah stroked her arm gently, and her chest expanded in a long sigh as Ellie tried to figure out what to say. Sarah eventually asked, "No?"

"It's not that I don't want to." Ellie sat up in their cozy nest, turning to face Sarah. "I mean, it's not a fun thing to remember. But it's just that… I feel like it's always me." At Sarah's questioning look, she explained, "Sharing. And I get that you went through shit in the past you don't like to remember. But I have too, and being bitten is one of those things."

"What do you want to know?" Sarah asked. Even now, Ellie couldn't quite pinpoint what she was feeling. This was such weird ground to be in. Joel opened up about certain things on his time, but his mentality of the-past-stays-in-the-past was still strong enough that he'd shut her down a few times before she got the message.

"Just like that?" Ellie asked. She wondered if she was on Sarah's equivalent of 'mighty thin ice', but Sarah only said, "Yeah."

"You're not mad?" Ellie reiterated. "You're not going to go all passive aggressive on me, are you?"

"No."

"To which one?"

Sarah smiled warmly now, and her voice confirmed her humor. "Both."

"Okay… Um." Ellie smoothed her thumb up her ring finger as she decided how to spend this wish. "Tell me about when you were shot."

"There've been a few times. I took a bullet that skimmed off my forehead in Chicago. That concussion was worse than the last one by far."

"The first time, dick."

Sarah smiled. "I'd never really been hurt before, not more than a baseball to the lip or twisting an ankle. Getting shot through your diaphragm hurts. Most of my scars are from that shot and the surgery. Sometimes I still get twinges."

Ellie smoothed her hand over Sarah's side.

"How long did it take to recover?"

"At least a few weeks. I'm still not sure why they sank so many resources into me, but that was back when they tried to save everyone who wasn't infected. They saved me and they owned me. I was discharged straight into Dallas's military prep school."

"I hated prep school. I got kicked out of one in Boston, and the second one was my last chance before they tossed me in lock-up."

"I needed the structure. I lost my family, my home, and my life—and for a while my health—in one night. The rigid structure made the world make a little sense. They made us feel like we'd save the world. War of the Z was a big favorite. The military had all those reprinted for us. Zombie, I Am…not so much. We passed a few illegal copies around."

"What was it?"

"Written from the perspective of zombies, with this idea that they're still in there but unable to control themselves. They still feel pain, remember their lives, and feel horror when they eat people."

It sent a shiver up her neck. Ellie hadn't thought of Sam in a while. She pictured the small blue toy on her dresser with a deep pang of guilt. She had a lot of regrets that had faded, but Sam was still a big one that came out at her every once in a while.

"What is it?"

So perceptive. Ellie fingered Sarah's golden hair. "Sam. He turned; just a kid. The night before he turned, he asked me if I thought the infected were still people. I should have lied."

"The kids are the worst," Sarah murmured. Somehow the blanket statement held a wealth of emotion. "But we know the cordyceps eventually overtakes the brain. Clickers aren't feeling anything or aware of anything. Before that… It's anyone's best guess."

She heaved a sigh and rubbed Ellie's shoulder. "They put me on duty when I turned sixteen. We were losing ground; kept finding more infected. The Fireflies weren't more than a thought. I think Marlene didn't break from the military for another year."

"You knew her?"

"Talked to her on the radio much later on, but no. The Fireflies talked about her. Helps loyalty and respect when your commander has her boots on the ground with her men. Marlene got that right."

Ellie bet Sarah did too, but she couldn't imagine that statement would go over well. Instead, she prompted, "Dallas fell a long time ago."

Sarah nodded. "I was there until the end. They promoted me fast because of the casualty rate. In the end, they had us mowing down anything that moved. I shot a kid; she was maybe six. She was bloody, but I kept doubting she was infected after I blew her head off. Not all the people we killed were infected. How did that make us the good guys? But I'd wised up at that point about who and what we were, which was no different than the soldier that shot Dad and me."

"What, you wised up that the FEDRA isn't perfect? Don't get me wrong: I hated military prep school, and I hated the way people were rounded up and shot, but they were serving a purpose. It was safer inside the QZ than outside."

"Did you get scanned after you were bitten?"

Ellie nodded as she fingered her scar. Sometimes she forgot about it now that it was covered in ink.

"Were you hot?"

"Yeah." She wanted to be jovial, but couldn't summon the tone or words.

"Maybe not everyone who scans positive is infected. We were killing our immune with the ones turning."

Sarah was so firm as she said it. Her confidence was reassuring and attractive. Ellie wanted her even as she turned over that new disquieting thought. She'd spent years hoping she wasn't the only infected to justify her survival, but Sarah made her immunity seem so common. If she was right, FEDRA had been killing humanity's best chance at survival all along. It made Marlene just as wrong.

"Shit. How could you tell the difference then?"

"Forced two-day quarantine maybe. It would have to be voluntary, and that would be impossible now, not with people knowing they're dead to the infection or the military after they're bitten. We fucked ourselves from the start."

"Everyone screams they're not infected when they get scanned."

Sarah met Ellie's gaze directly and nodded. "Maybe some of them are right. We killed without verifying when and where they were bitten. Once, one of my men realized his scanner was malfunctioning. He'd been talking all day about having shit luck with having to kill everyone he scanned on duty; sixteen dead without hesitation. Then he scanned a dog, and it came up hot."

One of the few useful lessons military prep had taught Ellie was that dogs served as negative controls for the three generations of scanners developed by FEDRA. If a dog showed hot, that meant false positives.

Sarah released a shuddering breath. "He shot himself that night. He kept saying he'd killed two little innocent girls. It hadn't hurt him to do it because they were infected, but knowing they might not have been… It killed him. FEDRA probably knew there was a chance of immunity, but they couldn't risk uncertainty on the ground."

"Shit, Sarah. Were you on that duty?"

"In Dallas. I lived to get promoted and took a different death duty, but when I was in a position to demand it, you can bet every scanner squad had a dog."

"What did you do?"

Sarah glanced at her warily. "Did you hear anything when y'all came up on me with Jimmy?"

Just Jimmy screaming. Ellie shook her head.

"I was an Enforcer."

"Oh shit," Ellie breathed without thinking. It was one thing to scan civilians and shoot them. It was another to go after renegade military deserters and Fireflies. Sarah's systematic torture of that shithead in Montana had definitely been familiar routine. Enforcers were cold-blooded killers. They were the fucking badasses of the FEDRA.

The two Ellie had seen walking through military prep school still embodied Enforcers in her mind. They'd been big, muscular, and scarred, and they'd worn their hair military short. Their expressions had been flat; one had a nasty scar through his hairline. Their uniforms had had a special insignia on it. Riley had stared at first then purposefully averted her face, tugging Ellie down the hall to fill her in on the identity of those two men in private. The insignia, Riley had explained, was an eagle eating a cobra.

Sarah didn't fit that stereotype on one hand. On the other… Ellie could see her in that crisp uniform and insignia. She wondered if Sarah had had that military haircut in the past—shaved on the sides and an inch on the top. Ellie studied Sarah as she tried to picture it; Sarah offered mix between a wince and a smile that was pure chagrin. "I see the reputation of the title precedes me."

"There were some crazy legends in Boston about Enforcers. Soldiers are scary enough all suited up, but we all knew most of them didn't have more training than 'this is where you point the gun'. Enforcers though, you guys were trained. It's just… You look so nice."

"They called me a lot of things, and 'baby face' and 'sweet cheeks' were just a couple. Looking nice made them underestimate me, but it only took a year before they stopped that. After that year, they just called me The Executioner."

"Damn."

"Yeah." Sarah shifted and sighed. "I was a shitty person then—or shittier, at least. Leaving Chicago was the best thing I ever did for myself. I hated that place. I hated myself in that place. Jimmy put me back into that mindset, and I lost myself for a little while."

"They hurt you." Ellie wasn't stupid. There had been ligature marks on Sarah's wrists, and she had bruises all over her arms. Not to mention her face and eye.

"They were going to try to kill y'all. I think that pissed me off the most. They were so cavalier about killing you for your supplies. You, Yara, Lev, all the rest of those kids surviving hell that those four assholes knew about to travel to a new hope, and those assholes wanted our food."

Ellie shrugged. "Survival makes you do shitty stuff. Don't get me wrong though; I wouldn't have hesitated to kill them."

"Would you ever have shot someone for their food?" Sarah tightened her hold around Ellie's waist, and Ellie repositioned to rest her cheek on Sarah's chest.

"No, I guess not. It was always the other way. Joel got hurt real bad in Colorado. Like human skewer bad. I knew I needed medicine and supplies to try to patch him back together. The assholes who did it in the first place tried to jump me in a mall, and I killed them to get those supplies back to Joel."

"Different," Sarah said.

"How though?"

"They attacked you."

"Because we killed a bunch of them earlier. They were cannibals though so…" Ellie sighed. "I don't even know what I'm arguing about anymore."

"Was that the group that kidnapped you?"

"Yeah. David and I survived some infected together, but then they tracked me back to Joel and trapped me. David started rubbing my hands and telling me how special I was." Ellie winced, her back crawling with how wrong it had felt.

"Ellie…"

"Don't feel too bad. I broke his finger for it. Then I killed him."

"Good. It's hard to do that sometimes."

The way Sarah said it made Ellie pause. She sat up. "What are you saying, Sarah?"

Sarah looked at her hands. Her swallow was audible. "My first relationship was with an officer. I was just a kid. It was… I think I was fifteen. I think. Maybe I was older. She used me, and I didn't know any better. She scared me. What we did scared me. I didn't think I had a choice, and at that age and with what we were experiencing, I thought rape meant violence and blood and pain.

"I worry that I'm leading you into this. Your age scares me," Sarah admitted quietly. "That's why. I remember how it felt to have an experienced lover and to feel pressure to go along with it."

There was no way to be exasperated. She'd asked for a secret, and Sarah had given her more than one. Ellie leaned over to cup Sarah's cheek and kiss her gently. She drew back to hold Sarah's attention. "I know what I want, and you're it. We're not like that."

"You cried after I kissed you."

"Oh, come on!" Ellie exclaimed. Back to the damn kiss, huh? "It was an emotional moment. I built my immunity up in my head. I made myself scared I could infect someone, maybe as a stupid excuse to push people away. And then you…just laid one on me after the scariest day of my life—that we survived together. You took away my defenses because of that and because…"

"Because?"

"I wanted you to kiss me, even then. Okay?"

Sarah released a long breath. "Okay."

"You still want to hear about the bite?"

Sarah stroked her arm, her thumb lingering over Ellie's bite scar. "Only if you want."

Ellie talked through it: the fight with Riley, Riley's disappearance, their romp through the mall, the confession and kiss, and the bite. It had been such a slingshot of emotion: seeing Riley again, letting Riley go, triumphantly winning her, and then losing it all. Ellie fought her tears as she remembered Riley slowly becoming someone she wasn't. She liked to think of Riley last on that glass table, but there had been time after.

"I killed her," Ellie finally said. "She turned on me. I kept thinking I'd turn and it would be over finally. But by the fourth day, I was starving and still me. The Fireflies picked me up, and Marlene kept me safe."

"Oh, Ellie. Riley wasn't Riley anymore when you killed her. You just killed the infection. She was gone already."

Ellie released a shuddering breath as some of the weight on her shoulders eased.

Sarah squeezed her gently. "Thank you for telling me."

A 'thank you' didn't seem good enough to cover for what Sarah had shared that night. Ellie crawled up to rest her torso on Sarah's chest, reveling in the long breath she gave. She leaned down to kiss Sarah's forehead. "What did the triangle say to the circle?"

"What?" Sarah asked in confusion.

"You're pointless."

Sarah laughed as she realized it was a joke. She tightened her arms around Ellie. "How many of those do you have?"

"With enough time, as many as you can stand."

"I've got time for you, girl."

That was both sexy and comforting.

---

It was another long, hard week before they both had the night off on the same night that Joel was going to stay over with Olivia. Ellie thought back on that night with Sarah in the long days between and felt as close to happiness as she'd felt in a long time. They met on the way to the mess hall, Sarah towing all the girls in her wake. They ate together and trudged through new snowfall to walk the girls back. Then Sarah walked with Ellie to the little pink house on Gross Street.

"My room," Ellie said, waving her hand around her upstairs bedroom.

Sarah bent over to study the blue toy on Ellie's desk, her guitar, the stack of books on the shelf, and the pilfered posters Ellie had tacked onto her walls. Ellie had stripped out of her clothes by the time Sarah turned back, and it was gratifying to see her blush.

She was happy enough to take off her clothes and climb in bed. Her kisses were soft and frustratingly unhurried. Even Sarah's hands weren't serious that night. Her fingers lingered on Ellie's sides, making her twitch in ticklishness, not arousal.

"What?" she asked innocently, kissing Ellie's neck and stroking her side.

Ellie wriggled away. "Come on!"

"Hm?" Sarah's warm chuckle was pleasant, but her fingers still weren't doing what Ellie wanted them to.

"Stop being a dick and fuck me."

Sarah gave another soft laugh, but her hands moved down to Ellie's ass. Finally. Her voice was warm with affection. "You shouldn't get in the habit of calling your lovers 'dick' in bed."

Ellie froze as her brain replayed those words. Then she saw red. She rolled out of bed and snatched at her clothes, pulling away from Sarah's grip. Fuck Sarah. Fuck her when she said, "Ellie, what's wrong?"

"I love you. I told you that. And you're already planning for me to be with other women!" She hated the tears in her eyes and the thickness to her voice.

Honest shock outlined Sarah's face. She looked away as if replaying her words too. "Ellie… I've never been with someone I want to stay with. It was… I'm used to making light of how casual my relationships are. I didn't mean that the way it sounded."

"I won't quit you," Ellie said defiantly. Sarah's response was a slow smile. She held her hand out and said, "Can I kiss you?"

"Everywhere," Ellie heard herself say. She knew she was blushing. She was naked in her bedroom with Sarah in her bed, and she'd just asked for… Sarah's eyebrows crept up. Ellie quickly said, "Unless I can infect you like that, I mean. Or you don't want to."

"Come here." Sarah pulled Ellie into her lap and parted her legs around her waist. Her kiss was different, a slow curl of her tongue and suck on her lip. She dipped her hand between Ellie's legs, and god, it was so fucking hard to keep track of anything when Sarah was inside her and rubbing her clit.

Then Ellie was on her back, and Sarah crawled backward, and she lowered her head, and oh shit…

"Fuck," Ellie gasped. She said a lot more than that by the time it was over and was only partially aware of Sarah crawling up the bed to drag the quilts over them. She wrapped her strong arm over Ellie's side and kissed the back of her neck. Sarah smelled like sex, and that made Ellie moan again.

"Okay?" Sarah whispered.

"I have to do that to you."

Sarah chuckled in her ear. "When you're ready. You seem pretty tired."

"You fucking killed me. Literally."

"There was nothing literal about your statement."

"Whatever. You're always so freaking smug after you fuck my brains out."

"Nothing is sacred with you."

"I watched Jerry shove an electric probe up a bull's ass and collected his sperm in a cup today. Nothing is sacred."

"Well, now I definitely don't want to have sex again tonight."

As soon as Ellie stirred up enough energy to move, she was going to disprove that statement. Except she didn't stir up the energy and fell asleep within a few minutes.

---

Sarah was groaning as she slept. Ellie reached out to her, sliding a hand over her shoulder to wake her and interrupt whatever dream she was having. Sarah lurched. When she rolled over, and everything was wrong.

She was crying tears of red, her mouth cracked as it opened, and she snarled and lurched at Ellie with her teeth clacking together.

Ellie screamed.

She woke up on the floor, gasping at the ceiling with her head pounding where she'd hit it on the way out of the bed. Sarah sat up, shrouded by darkness. Ellie froze as she stared up at that dark silhouette. Sarah quietly said, "Ellie?"

Ellie released her breath in an explosive gasp as reality reasserted itself. Sarah kicked her feet over the edge of the bed, and she started to rise.

Ellie's bedroom door slammed back, and there was Joel with a lamp in his hand and his eyes wide in alarm. His lamp illuminated Ellie and Sarah. Ellie fumbled to grab a shirt to cover her nakedness. At least Sarah had a shirt on.

"Ellie?!"

"Just a nightmare. I'm okay." Ellie couldn't meet his eyes. She desperately wanted him out of her room, but Joel didn't go away. He stood at the entrance of Ellie's room and looked between Sarah and Ellie. He turned his head away, but his voice was deep and rigidly calm. "How long has this been goin' on?"

No way. He didn't get to be a pissed off daddy on her now. Maybe three years ago, maybe last year, but not now. Not with Sarah, not like this. Ellie's defensiveness rose sharp and bitter. "None of your business. Now get out of my room!"

Joel raised his eyebrows, his teeth bared in suppressed anger. She'd really poked the bear. Joel's voice was rough. "You wanna rethink that answer?"

"On the trip here," Sarah said. She was the calmest person in the house right then, and it seemed to sap some of Joel's stupid anger. He worked his lips and gave a curt nod. "Sarah, come downstairs. We need to talk."

Sarah put her hand over Ellie's shoulder, shutting up her immediate defensive snap. Still calm, Sarah asked, "Can you give us a minute so we can get dressed?"

Joel studied them for a moment. Then he nodded and turned away. His footsteps were heavy on the stairs.

Dammit, he was supposed to be with Olivia tonight. And fuck him.

Sarah lit the lamp on Ellie's bedside table. She opened her arms and pulled Ellie to her. Sarah held her close. Hugs were nice, even with Ellie's steadily growing anger that Joel wouldn't be okay with this. Fucking piece of shit, how dare he be mad?!

Sarah's kiss brought her to the moment. She cupped Ellie's cheek and searched her eyes. "You okay?"

"Bad dream."

"About what?"

"Nothing." Ellie deflated when Sarah continued to watch her for an answer. "That I infected you."

"I'd say we've had as much opportunity for you to infect me as possible. We're good there."

Part of Ellie wanted to take the opening to make a crass remark, but she was still stuck on how Sarah knew all of this. "Did they really test all bodily fluids?"

"There was interest in whether infection could be passed sexually between a bite and aggression."

"Gross. Did it?"

"No. It's like rabies. Gotta be clinical before the fungus can transmit through saliva or blood in a wound. Face bites are quick; feet take the longest."

"Did people volunteer to be tested with that?"

"Ah… No." Sarah kissed her lightly on the forehead. Ellie watched her dress before she tugged on her clothes too. Ellie caught her questioning look. "You don't really think I'm going to let you face Joel alone? I'm half of the equation in case you forgot. And screw him for being angry."

"His concerns seem pretty reasonable to me, Ellie. But thanks."

Joel had opened up the lamp downstairs and stoked the fire. He sat in the armchair across from the couch and raised his eyebrows when Ellie sat down beside Sarah on the couch. He'd had a few talks with Ellie in that armchair, not all of them bad. His awkward discussion about sex had been Ellie's highlight of the year a few years before. He'd renew that by asking her if she'd 'partaken' every year or so after.

Now Joel's brow was tightened, and he looked back and forth between them. This was brooding, angry Joel who'd taken her aside one day about a year into their life here to ask her what the high hell she'd been thinking, wandering off from Jackson without telling anyone. That had been a fight: Ellie screaming and Joel's voice rough and deep with his anger.

Joel folded his arms and leaned back. "I have no idea how to feel about this thing going on between you too. Something is going on, right?"

"We're having sex, yeah, Joel," Ellie snapped.

"Ellie," Sarah cautioned. She put her hand on Ellie's thigh and glanced at Joel after Ellie shut up. "It's not just sex."

"You care for her?" he asked Sarah. He had his hand up, and he shook it with his brows raised—all concern—and that pissed Ellie off. Ellie stood up past Sarah's touch and rounded the couch to pace. She pointed at Joel. "You don't get to do this. I'm not a kid. I can make these decisions myself!"

The set of Joel's mouth was mostly anger, but she wasn't past the point of ignoring his hurt. "You'll find, Ellie, that I can. You could be eighty, and if I'm still kickin', I'll still 'do this'." He looked at Sarah. "Are you both safe? Clean?"

Wrong fucking anger. Ellie rounded the couch to gesture toward the woman sitting on it. "Then why are you grilling Sarah?! She's your daughter!"

Both Sarah and Joel started. Ellie looked back and forth between them. "Fuck you both. You have a second chance, and what are you doing with it? You've had two months, and you're still not acting like family!"

Sarah and Joel looked at each other in surprise. Despite the rage working through Ellie, Sarah had an answer for Joel's question. "I'm clean. I was checked when I came into town."

"Are either of you even listening to me?" Ellie snapped. She realized she was disappointed and angry at both of them. Sarah was stuck on her, and Joel was all but living with Olivia. It was like they didn't care to know each other again, to get back what they had before. What was the point of all of this if not to reunite them?

"Twenty-five years is an awful long time to cross, Ellie."

"Especially for you," she accused.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Joel asked, his brow furrowed.

"Oh come on, Mr.-Move-On-and-Forget-It."

He shot Ellie a look that suggested she best shut up. "Ellie, I know you. I'm still learnin' Sarah. I know the way you take to people. You don't play. And I know you ain't never been here before, but she has."

He had her until the last part. "Oh, fuck you!"

"I haven't," Sarah said quietly. "I haven't ever been serious, and I'm dead serious now."

"You love her?" he asked, his voice rough.

Sarah nodded.

"And you?" Joel asked Ellie.

Fucking finally. Ellie's defensiveness bled away. She glanced over at Sarah, who smiled at her gently. Ellie's voice was quiet when she said, "Yeah."

"It's just…" Joel sighed. "You two stay firm, you hear? I can't have sour romance ruining what we got here. It's a good thing. We're a family, even if it don't seem that way right now. And you need to learn patience, kiddo. We have more to do than sit around reminiscing about our shitty pasts—which won't do a damn bit of good for us neither."

"We're not breaking up," Ellie snapped. She turned her glare to Sarah, who offered a half-grin. She offered no protest to Ellie's pronouncement.

Joel got up with a weary sigh. In the kitchen, glass clinked, and liquid sloshed. He returned with three small glasses of whiskey, and they silently toasted each other.

"So you're gay?" Joel finally asked Ellie with his brow furrowed.

"Joel, you're a genius. How did you figure it out?"

He chuckled and shook his head. "Hey, don't make fun of me. You never said."

"It was too much fun watching you squirm when you gave me the talk. You owe Sarah a sex talk now."

Sarah laughed quietly. Joel swirled whiskey in his tumbler. "Something tells me Sarah knows what she needs to know. Now you girls be safe. It's easy to get carried away."

"I can't get pregnant, if that's what you're worried about," Ellie muttered. "And you already asked about the other part."

"Alright, smartass. I meant emotionally."

She only rolled her eyes.

They sat and talked about nothing for over an hour, but it was the first good conversation Sarah and Joel had had in weeks as far as Ellie knew. It was the closest to happiness that Ellie had been since she'd come up on Naomi and Lia hanging. She could believe for those few hours that things inside her would even out again.

---

Mondays were Ellie's off days. She'd graduated to taking Sundays alone—though she generally had cleaning jobs, not animal ones—so that Jerry would have a day at home. Before the trip, she'd read, watch a movie, or lunge some of the horses. Ellie thought of going to see Sarah, who also had Mondays off and Sundays on, to interrupt her routine.

Ellie paused with the scoop in the grain bin and decided she would interrupt her routine. She finished giving grain out and stepped into the corner stall with Snickers. He immediately greeted her and dropped his head over her shoulder. Ellie rubbed his neck. "Glad you're doing well, buddy. I'll be back in a little bit. No grain for you though."

Fifteen minutes later, Ellie knocked on Sarah's door and heard a gasping, "Come in!"

She opened the door and raised an eyebrow to see Sarah sweating in her undershirt and shorts. Sarah wiped her face and grinned. "Want a work out?"

"Probably not the kind you're selling right now."

Sarah propped her bare feet up on the back of the couch and started doing push-ups with her hands in varying positions. Then she started doing weird balancing moves.

"Jesus," Ellie breathed, watching her sweat and exhale in gusts in time with her exercises. "Is this why your body is so awesome?"

"I've gained weight here," Sarah answered after her reps. She sat down and wiped sweat from her face. Ellie glanced around the living room to study the areas where she'd obviously been working.

"You look great."

"Thanks. I just don't feel good unless I stay fit. All this cold weather is exhausting too."

"Want to fuck?"

Sarah laughed into her shirt, but her breath went heavy again. They made it to her bedroom and got some more exercise in for good measure. For the first time, Ellie had Sarah sit on the edge of the bed so she could go down on her. New and rewarding experience for sure, one that had Sarah cursing and barely suppressing her gasping orgasm. Kind of nice to enjoy each other in broad daylight too.

"Want to check out the horses with me?"

"I'll do anything with you," Sarah said quietly, fingering Ellie's hair.

Best answer ever.

As soon as they walked into the barn, Ellie realized something wasn't right. Snickers's stall was open, and Ellie's gut went white-cold as she turned her gaze to the grain box. His head was in it. She didn't have air enough to curse as she ran to him and yanked his head out of the grain box. She exhaled shakily as she saw how much he'd eaten. Ellie led him into the aisle and pressed her forehead against his.

She gave a bitter laugh.

"Ellie?" Sarah voice was cautious.

"I killed him." Ellie turned to look down the aisle and shook her head. She was disgusted. She hadn't put the latch on his stall door. He'd opened the simple latch because she'd forgotten to clip the lock on, and now he was going to die—either to colic or laminitis. An old horse like this knew how to open fucking stall doors.

"What's wrong?" Sarah was perplexed.

Ellie wiped tears from her eyes and shook her head. "I forgot to set the lock, he gorged on grain, and now he's going to die. I killed him. I…" She shook her head again and took a long breath to settle herself. She rubbed Snickers and led him back to his stall, closing the stall door and setting the lock this time. She wanted to punch the lock, to hear the loud clang and bust her knuckles, but Snickers would be frightened by the noise.

She went in the storage room to find their cold leggings, stuffing snow into them after she rolled them over Snickers's legs. Doc had a veterinary book that showed illustrations on how to pass a tube from the nose to the stomach, but she didn't know how. She could at least syringe him some mineral oil, but that was it. Jackson didn't have the fluids or medication to waste on horses, not when the people of Jackson ranked higher on the totem pole. They treated disease by preventing it, and she'd fucking failed on that part. Not only had she not locked his stall door, she hadn't secured the feed room door.

Ellie leaned against his flank and just sighed, too angry at herself to feel much but exhausted.

Twelve hours later, Snickers was pawing at his flanks, looking back at his sides, and leaning hard on his back feet. He started rolling an hour later. Colic and laminitis. Ellie kept thinking that she killed him.

It was nearly two in the morning. Sarah was asleep on the couch at the pink house on Gross Street, something that surprised Ellie. She hadn't been kind when she'd sent Sarah away from the barn. Joel sat up in bed when she walked into his room. What startled Ellie the most was that Olivia was in bed with him. Ellie opened his drawer and pulled out his revolver. "I need it. Hopefully just one bullet."

"I'm sorry, Ellie," Joel said. "You want me to be there?"

She shook her head. "Jerry's there. Go back to sleep."

She left before he responded. Sarah didn't wake up as she tiptoed across the living room.

Jerry had been pretty quiet about the whole thing. He sat on the fence, holding Snickers by his lead and watched Ellie walk across the paddock. "You want me to do it?"

"No. I might as well finish the job."

Jerry held Snickers on a loose lead. He flipped on the spotlight on the outside of the barn, illuminating them all in garish shadows. Ellie whet her butcher knife. She held her tears under tight control as she stepped up to Snickers to rub his nose and murmur softly that he was a good boy. Then she stepped a few paces away, confirmed Jerry was ready, and raised Joel's revolver. The click of the hammer was sharp.

The gun was deafening in the quiet of the night. Even when she got used to the kick, the sound always startled. Snickers dropped like a rock, and his bloated belly made him bounce. Hopefully all his pain was gone before he even heard the gunshot. Ellie waited for the flailing to stop before she stepped over him to cut his throat. When she stepped back, Jerry put an arm over her shoulder. She shrugged him off, her throat tightening down and tears rising up. "Don't. We have to butcher him."

Horse meat was always eaten, but even if it was usually reserved for the dogs.

She and Jerry waited as blood gushed in audible pulses into the cold mud. Jerry heaved a sigh. "I did it more than once, but the first time was my own horse. My momma bought him for me when I turned twelve. She died when I was twenty, and that horse was all I had left from her by the time it was all said and done. I came home drunk one night, thought it would be nice to give him some hay, and left the whole barn unlocked. He was already foundered when I woke up the next day at noon. Never thought I'd forgive myself."

Ellie shook her head. She stepped forward to start the first cut—horse hide was useful and she'd need to be careful. Jerry grabbed her shoulder. "I can do it."

"I should do it."

He stopped offering and put his head down to help her in quiet sympathy.

---

The morning light came through the window, setting the room alight in much the same way it had when Joel had come up on her months before. The guitar had rotted in the wet winter, but the diary was in the same place she'd left it, tight and dry in the bedside table. Ellie read it in the morning light, not for the first time marveling at how big a deal people made tiny things back before everything went to shit.

She lifted her eyes when she heard footsteps on the creaking wood. The bloodstain on the floor in front of her was brown, but the body had probably been burned before it brought big predators to the area. Jackson took its security seriously enough to clear and sweep neighboring towns too, and Jackson wasn't hungry enough to resort to eating the dead.

The coming footsteps were heavy, but they weren't Joel's measured strides. When Ellie looked up, she had a moment of déjà vu to see Sarah leaning against the doorframe. She lowered her head and raised it, offering Ellie a sympathetic smile. Sunlight caught her eyes, turning one red and the other blue.

All at once, the tears came. Ellie turned away as she wiped them from her face. She gasped as she saw dried blood chip and fleck off of her skin. She was covered in Snickers's blood up to her elbows. They'd even grinded up his bones to add to the dog food for calcium.

"It was just a fucking horse."

"Ellie." Sarah sat down beside her and accepted her weight on her shoulder.

"Why does a fucking horse hurt so much? I mean, Jesus, he walked almost a thousand miles for us with shitty feet, and he was supposed to have a cushy life. Instead, I killed him because of a fucking stupid mistake."

"You didn't mean to."

"He's still dead. He didn't know anything. If I had just locked his stall door..."

"He could have died back Seattle. Instead, he got a good six weeks here, aside from all the walking. You took such good care of him. You think the fanatics brushed him, rubbed him, and talked to him the way you did? I don't know horses, but even I could see he loved that."

"Not yesterday. Fuck, he was so hurt at the end, and he had no idea why he was hurting."

"It's okay to grieve, but—"

"I killed him." Ellie shook her head and hit the diary on her thigh. "I think this is so stupid, but this girl—Jaime—she said she wanted to kill herself because she failed a math test. Why the fuck does she get to be so upset over a math test? And here I am torn up over an old lame horse that would have never been healthy enough to work for us."

"We put a lot of expectations on things." Sarah was steady. She rubbed Ellie's shoulder and exhaled. "I thought about it back before everything went to shit. I really thought about it. I opened the safe with the revolver, but Dad kept the ammo in another safe. I couldn't guess that combination."

"Why?" Ellie couldn't erase the incredulity from her voice. "You had everything then."

"Sure." Sarah's smile was tight. "Dad provided a better life for me than most kids got. He bought a nice house in a district zoned for the best schools in Austin. He worked to pay for my sports leagues, my equipment, and the stupid stuff that I wanted and never used. But that was the problem; he worked all the time. I flunked a math test on purpose a week before the collapse just to see if he'd notice. My teacher sent home a note, and she tried to call him, but he never followed up, never looked at the note. I thought that confirmed I didn't matter anymore. I loved him more than anyone else, but he was so fucking distracted. So I thought about killing myself while I saved up for his birthday present. Maybe it was vindictive, maybe depression, sadness, anxiety, but whatever it was, that emotion was real."

"Sarah."

"And so is yours. Those girls died, Ellie. So did Snickers. But you gave them something good before it happened. You have to think about that part of it. What would Naomi and Lia want? Seems like they would want you to be happy."

"I am," Ellie had to say. "I was. This just… This hurt."

"You aren't, and you weren't. This isn't the only thing that's been hurting. What's wrong, Ellie?"

Finally someone had the balls to point it out. "Getting in my own damn way, maybe."

"Are you thinking about killing yourself?"

"No," Ellie said. "I've been there before, and this isn't it."

"You promise me you'll tell someone who can help you if you start feeling that way."

"Yeah. I promise."

Ellie looked up after a few moments of silence. She was surprised by the tears in Sarah's eyes. Sarah asked, "Is it me? Because if it's me, we have to stop this. I can't hurt you. You don't have to be with me out of some sort of obligation for me or for Joel. You're more important."

"Why would you think it's you?"

"You told me I made it okay for you to be happy, but you haven't been happy. The only thing that's changed between now and then is what's between us."

"It's Jackson. It's me. I'm just… I'm not happy right now. What happened with Snickers just brought it to a head, maybe. Fuck, you're the only really good thing I have going for me."

"I love you, Ellie." Sarah cupped her hands and drew her close to hold her gaze. "I've been through my own hells. You helped me climb back out of one already, but I don't know how I can help you."

"Oh shit." Ellie dragged Sarah's shoulders into her lap and held her, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head. She breathed her scent and listened Sarah heave a few ragged sobs. After only a few seconds, Sarah cut off her tears with a harsh laugh. "I'm sorry. You're the one hurting."

"I've never seen you cry."

"Pretty ugly, huh?"

Ellie denied it. "You've seen me, right? I turn all red, and my nose runs. But your cheeks are pink, and you just look pretty."

"Can we be good for each other?" Sarah asked her, resting her forehead against Ellie's.

"We are. You think this is bad? You should have seen me the whole first year after Joel brought me here from Salt Lake City. My priorities are all out of order again. I had this noble quest—to die, then to save, then to get those girls back here to safety. Now I'm trimming feet and herding cattle."

"That saves lives too."

"Yeah, I know. Tommy goes through that speech every season. It's just hard to feel it, especially when I'm alone. I just feel so insignificant. Wow, that sounds really shitty, doesn't it?" she marveled.

"You're not insignificant to me. Or Joel. Or Yara or Lev or Tommy or Maria or Olivia or any one of the people who love you here."

"But I'm insignificant to me. That's something I just have to work my way out of. And that poor horse... That kind of thing is my job, and I fucked up despite knowing better."

"Live with me."

That was about the last thing Ellie expected to drop out of Sarah's mouth. Instead of the giggle and kiss Sarah had given her after the bombshell 'l' word, this pronouncement was steady. Sarah met and held her gaze, and there was nothing but sincerity and hope on her face.

"I'm not asking out of pity," Sarah said as if guessing Ellie's first reason to decline. "I want to know you're okay at the end of the day. I sleep better with you in bed. I got used to that on the road. It's not all altruism either; I'd like to make sure you're not falling into some other woman's bed drunk after your card games."

"There's no one to sleep with, dick."

"A few women in Jackson beg to differ."

Ellie scoffed at the thought. "No way. You're crazy."

"I know what I see. Now that Joel's over with Olivia, there's no one to supervise your sleeping habits most of the time." Sarah raised her pale eyebrows, her dark lashes falling over her eyes in a slow blink. This woman had the finest eyes. Ellie got what Mr. Darcy was all stirred up about whenever Sarah pulled that slow look out.

Sarah asked, "What if I tell you a joke?"

"What?"

"A good joke. One I made up."

Ellie shoved her gently. "If you made it up, it won't be good."

"Jerk. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?"

Ellie wanted to point out that cows did have feet, but she raised her eyebrows to prompt the punchline.

"Because they lactose."

"They have toes, dork. Two of them."

Sarah sank back onto the bed behind them with a groan. "I should have known. Um… What do you call a cow that recently gave birth?"

"A moother?"

Sarah rolled onto her elbow and gave that slow fine look again. "Decalfinated."

"Christ." Ellie smothered her grin. Her brain was catching up to the situation, that this fucking badass Enforcer was lying on a bed next to her, telling her shitty jokes to make her happy. And goddammit if it wasn't working.

Sarah wasn't done. "What did the cow say to her calf?"

"I don't know. You're udderly grounded?"

"It's pasture bedtime."

Ellie laughed. She lay down next to Sarah and snuggled close. Sarah's fingers smoothed through her hair. "I made you laugh."

"The first one was shit, but the other two were good. You know how to win a woman's heart, Sarah. Let's be all domestic and live together and tell each other shitty jokes for the rest of our lives."

"Then I'm sorry to say that that was my last joke. Those took me weeks to plan."

"Damn, can I change my mind?" Ellie joked. She had her own warnings. "I can smell pretty shitty in the summer. And neither of us are getting much sleep—and not because of sex. I assist with the animal health emergencies, and having electricity means we work at night sometimes during the busy seasons. And I'm kind of a klepto. I hoard all sorts of shit, and I'll fill any closet you have."

"I've seen your room, Ellie. I'm okay with taking in you and all your 'sorts of shit' if you put up with mine. But I will be inventorying everything."

"Stop. You're gonna make me cry."

Sarah paused to study her for a long moment. "We're gonna get through this together. You want to try?"

In that moment, Ellie believed her. "Yeah. I really do."