HDJDDDDBL WUH-WHAT? Oh, yeah, meditation got a bit out of hand. Where did my yogi go?
Marco leaped out of the portal and landed right in the middle of Quest Buy (the one with the big parking lot). According to the magic wand, which he could also use as a compass/radar/thingamajigtofindpeople, his next victim would be right here.
"Seems like Kelly is somewhere around here..." Marco said to nobody in particular.
"And you'd be correct!" Someone behind him said.
Marco turned around before receiving his daily dose of southern hospitality. He was flung into one of the stalls. One of the staff members came walking by, looked at the damage and then just said: "Kill me I'm depressed."
He then left the story, but you'll be happy to know things turned around for him. He met the girl of his dreams, got married, became a proud father of two and peacefully died of old age in his sleep. Isn't that nice?
Marco turned around and saw Kelly on the spot, weilding her huge ass sword as if it were made of plastic. What he didn't expect was the person next to her.
"What's the ginger doing here?" He asked.
Higgs spat on the floor and pulled out a morning star.
"The ginger is gonna help out Kelly. We've heard all about your terrible actions Marco." She said.
"Janna texted us saying she beat you. But when I texted her back later she never replied and I took that as a hint that I should take action. Therefore I hid in Quest Buy, where you'd have trouble finding me, raising my odds of..."
"BORING!" Marco yelled and he lunged at Kelly. She quickly reacted and with a swift sweep of her sword, she sliced Marco in half.
"Wow! Impressive reflexes you've got there Kelly." Higgs said.
"Thanks!" Kelly said and she did the anime-girl thing with her fingers over her eye. Y'know that one gesture? Does it have a name? Don't answer that I don't care. #distractions
Kelly and Higgs walked down the isle and sat down at a café to order a cup of coffee. But what they didn't realise was that the Elder Gods were watching them all this time. And unbeknownst to Kelly and Higgs, they knew that if Marco failed to end the shipping wars, it would mean the destruction of our world as we know it!
The Elder Gods came down to Earth, accompanied by bells, shining white light and tacos. Kelly and Higgs saw them.
"Holy shit..."
"What the hell is that?"
"I don't know... but it's going towards..."
"Uh oh..."
The two of them got up and ran over to the place where they had just killed Marco, weapons at the ready. The two seperate halves of Marco's body were still there and the Elder Gods slowly descended towards them. The light became less bright, the bells stopped ringing and all the tacos were consumed by Fat Bob, who usually did that when the Elder Gods came to Earth. It's kind of his thing.
"Oh my gods..." Kelly said.
"Are they...?"
"They are!" Higgs said. A cloud of smoke appeared for the Elder Gods to dramatically step out of.
All four of them.
The most sacred of all people.
The best of the best in awesomeness in our universe.
Our saviours on this planet.
Out of the cloud walked: Deadpool, Morgan Freeman, Jason Voorhees and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Kelly and Higgs both fell on their knees.
But they were completely ignored.
Instead, the Elder Gods walked over to what was left of Marco. Deadpool gave one of the halves a kick and chuckled.
"Gee guys, I didn't know shashimi was on the menu today!" He said to himself.
"D'aw man, I hoped we could get some pizza this time!"
"This is why I always suggest we become our own boss. Structure is important for everyone."
"Remember what we came here for Deadpool." Arnold said. "The Blood Moon had already predicted these events. We must do what we can to help the outcome..."
Kelly looked up.
"Wait? The Blood Moon? The moon that appears every 667 years to bind two souls for eternity? The moon that bonded Star and Marco to eachother?"
"The one and only" Deadpool said.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Higgs asked.
Then, Morgan Freeman stepped forward and with the Voice of all voices, he explained:
"The Blood Moon is there to bind two souls together for eternity, you got that right. However, to do that, a huge sacrifice must be made in return for that bond. Usually in the form of natural disasters, but some other events can occur too. The last Blood Moon, which appeared in 1348, bonded a medieval prince with the girl of his dreams. At the cost of other people's lives of course. 'Tis the way of all things."
Once Kelly and Higgs recovered from the plethora of beauty that was Morgan Freeman's voice, they asked:
"So... what event happened then? Like... Titanic or something?"
"9/11?"
"Chernobyl?"
"World War 2" Arnold answered.
"WHAT?!" Higgs said in disbelief.
"Hey, we don't make the rules!" Arnold said and threw his arms up in the air.
"Point is, Star and Marco were bound together, now y'all gotta die." Morgan said and with a flick of his fingers, Marco's body parts were glued back together and he was immediatly revived. He sat up and saw the four Elder Gods of Awesomeness in front of him.
"Gee, thanks guys." He said and he got to his feet. "I needed that."
"WOW WOW WOW WAIT!" Higgs yelled and she stepped forward.
"This is just plain bollocks! If you're gods, why don't you do anything to prevent this from happening?"
"Now come on young lady, don't you talk back to us." Arnold said.
"FUCK OFF! I WILL NOT STAND HERE AND ALLOW YOU TO LET MARCO DESTROY US BECAUSE THAT WILL END THE SHIPPING WARS WHICH IN RETURN MAKES THE BLOOD MOON HAPPY! NEVER!"
"Jason, if you would please." Morgan Freeman said.
"Come on then Big Boy! Think you're so cool with your hockey mask? Let's see you fight a real squire then!" Higgs said as Jason Voorhees stepped in front of her. She drew her morning star and yelled: "BRING IT! FIGHT ME YOU CO-"
She couldn't really end that sentence because Jason simply grabbed her head and her legs and folded her into a paper plane, which he then threw in a nearby fireplace. (It was on sale for the low, low price of 19,99)
With that out of the way, the Elder Gods left because they were now bored, leaving Marco and Kelly alone in Quest Buy.
"Now Kelly, I have to say..." Marco started as he pulled out the royal magic wand. "Out of all of these ships, Kellco is very probable right now. At least more probable then 'Miggs'. However, it's far from OTP. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS :D!"
He ran at Kelly, who only just managed to dodge him, and she slashed at him with her sword. Marco recieved a small cut on his cheek.
"Ow, hey!" He yelled, somewhat insulted.
Kelly's eyes meanwhile flashed from side to side, looking for something, for anything, to aid her. Then, she figured: "Hang on! The weapons department!"
Sure it would be dangerous for her to lure Marco there as it would give him more fighting options, but then again, she would also get more weapons to work with. She would be able to rely on her agility and her superior fighting skills. She might even be able to win. She might be able to stop this madness. I mean, she wont be able to stop me, but...
She made a run for it. Kelly dived into the elevator and mashed the button of the 36th floor. The door closed just in time. Marco smashed face-first into the glass doors and bounced back onto the floor. He sat up quickly to see Kelly wave at him before the elevator shot up to the 36th floor.
"Not so fast you..." Marco said and he summoned Cloudy.
"Oh hey Marco! Good to see you!" He happily exclaimed.
"Heya Cloudy, no time to chat, we gotta get going. AWAY!" Marco said and he jumped on top of the cloud. He then used the wand to open the glass doors and he went straight after the elevator. Kelly knew Marco was close behind her, leaving her with less time to prepare once she reached the 36th floor. The elevator came to an abrupt stop and Kelly jumped out as soon as possible. She looked around and saw something that would be useful. The elevator left and Marco immediatly shot up. He immediatly saw Kelly standing in front of him, with a cheeky grin on her face. He broke the glass doors and prepared to attack, before being hit with a blast of something ice-cold. Kelly had grabbed a nearby fire extinguisher and almost froze Marco to an ice cube.
"D-d-damnit Kelly... that's just rude...!" Marco snapped.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit you with that hon." Kelly said. "Just your cloudy friend!"
Marco looked down and saw that Cloudy was completely frozen. And thus, unable to keep him in the air.
"Well darn." Marco said before he and Cloudy fell down 36 floors.
Marco slowly woke up with an enormous headache.
"Fuck. Took quite a fall there..." He muttered.
"M-m-mar-c-c-cooo..." He heard someone mutter.
Marco got up and noticed that Cloudy had shattered into a million frozen pieces.
"Oh my god, Cloudy!" He said and he tried to gather some of the pieces.
"I-i-its no... use... Marco..." Cloudy muttered dramatically.
"C'mon buddy, you've been very useful this one time I've summoned you, don't you die on me now!" Marco yelled.
"J-just... know... Marco..." Cloudy said.
"*cough* I... love... you... Marco..." He said.
"Oh shut up, before people start shipping us as well..." Marco said and then he walked off. "Guess I need to take the stairs to the 36th floor..."
After approximately a thousand steps and 46 bottles of energy drink, Marco reached the 36th floor. He took some time to catch his breath before he walked to the big, heavy door and pushed it open. He skillfully dodged a poisoned harpoon that was fired in his direction as soon as he stuck his head inside. He then carefully looked into the room.
Kelly had set up an entire obstacle course for him to run over, including huge blades, fire, lava seas, deadly dinosaurs, machine guns, throwing knives and a horde of flesh-eating zombies. Kelly herself was sitting on a throne on the other side of the room.
"Wow. You really took your time didn't you?" She said.
"Yeah, y'know. Stairs..." Marco said.
"Give it up Marco!" Kelly said and she rose from her seat.
"It was obvious from the start. Kellco is, and has always been OTP. The sooner everybody accepts that, the better. The others don't deserve you. I CONGRATULATED YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY! If that doesn't settle it, then I do not know what will, honestly."
Marco sighed. "I'm sorry Kelly. But you're lying. There is another one... another girl who is perfect for me. From the first season of the show until now. Nothing is gonna change that. But before I can be with her, I must sink all the other popular ships first. So you must now DIE!"
And with that said, Marco sprinted through the obstacle course. Which is a perfect time for an advertisement from our sponsors!
"Hey you!"
"Huh?"
"Yes you!"
"What about me?"
"Are you having trouble losing weight?"
"I guess..."
"Are you still living with your parents?"
"Well yeah but..."
"Are you a complete loser who has absolutely zero friends?"
"Why are you being so..."
"Then you should try our new, completely safe 'Cewl Pills ©'!"
"Your what?"
"Our new and improved 'Cewl Pills ©' are able to turn every pathetic creature on this Earth into hardcore badasses. With these pills, you'll be ready to get money, fuck bitches and destroy little pricks in no time! Get yours now for 25,99 or get a double pack including 'Cewl Pills ©' and 'Heppi Brownies ©' now for 39,99!"
"Cewl Pills! They make you, what little Timmy from across the street is not :D!"
"Wow... that was... impressive..." Kelly said.
Marco stopped to catch his breath. "Yeah, you didn't go easy on me Kelly..."
"And I won't go easy on you now!" She said and she leaped out of her throne.
She drew her sword and took a swing at Marco. He dodged her attack and got into his karate stance. He ran towards her and hit her with an up-up-low-kick combo, dealing 18% damage. Kelly retaliated with an overhead sword-swing. She pinned Marco to the floor and took that opportunity to kick him in the back of the head, before removing the sword. Marco got up and jumped out of the way, evading Kelly's punch. He threw a couple of shurikens towards her, but he missed and Kelly instead threw a spear at Marco. The spear slashed Marco's shoulder, leaving him with a serious flesh-wound. The sight of his own blood enraged Marco and with a roar, he lunged at Kelly. He blocked her high kick and engaged his special attack. He smacked Kelly in her face with his elbow and gave her a knee in her chest, shattering her entire rib-cage. He followed that up by sweeping her off her feet and jumping on top of her, snapping her spine in half. He then finished it off with a karate-chop in her neck, for a total of over nine-thousaaaaand% damage.
*cough* "Fuck me..." Kelly said.
"You fought well Kelly, I'll give you that." Marco said as he stepped away from her.
Kelly chuckled. "Are you gonna do to me what you did to the others as well Marco? As the horrible monster that you are?"
"No. I won't." Marco said. "Again, you fought well, least I can do is give you some peace in death."
Kelly spat in front of his feet. "I sure fucking hope this pain and suffering was good enough to please your demented mind Marco."
"This is not just for me Kelly. For the good of all. Shipping wars can ruin a good fandom. Trust me when I say that."
"AHAHAHAHAHAHA! TRUST! THAT'S A GOOD ONE!" Kelly said before she drew her last breath.
Marco sighed. He pulled out his notebook and he scrapped two ships.
"Miggs. Done. Kellco. I'm sorry Kelly. We might've made a good couple. But good isn't enough. Done." He whispered to himself. A tear formed in his eye.
It wasn't just a tear of sadness...
It was also a tear of... a weird sense of happiness.
"I'm almost there my love. Finally, it will be just the two of us. And no ship will stand in our way. I promise you that." He said.
For those of you wondering why you are still reading this...
uhm...
Anyway, final chapter (and more cookies) up next. Spread the word. Make sure the entire fandom knows which ship is supreme in the end. Also, someone call Daron Nefcy to tell her the results. Bitch already blocked me on her phone and on every social media platform. If I want to avoid a restraining order, I need some of you people to tell her for me.
But first, I'm gonna practise my French. If you'll excuse me.