Well, French was boring, so I decided to watch the most recent episodes of the show. I did appreciate the finale overall, especially after the somewhat lackluster 3rd season. The choice to cast Bill Murray as the one fire-breathing, lesbian-devouring dragon was a bit bold, but it worked. I also thought it was about time Tom, Star and Marco had that 'ménage à trois'. Been sayin' that since season one. There has also been another thing I have been saying since season one. That's what you are here for right?
Without further ado, the end of the shipping wars that have torn this fandom apart. Who is the one girl for Marco Ubaldo "dank memes" Diaz? Drum roll please!
Marco stepped out of the portal and onto the street. It was raining heavily in Echo Creek. Within seconds, Marco was completely soaked. But he didn't really notice. His mind was set on one thing... he was so concentrated that he didn't even notice the giant mutated elephant that was destroying the school and eating the students.
Marco kept walking in one direction. Then he took a left and now he was walking in another direction. Boy, isn't this exciting?
Then, he finally saw it. The house.
And in the house was the one he was looking for.
Marco walked over the streets. He stepped onto the sidewalk. Through the front yard.
Now he was at the front door. The rain was still falling heavily. Thundered boomed and lightning struck behind him.
But Marco didn't even notice.
He raised his hand and loudly exclaimed: "SIEG H-
Fatal error, rebooting story
He raised his hand, clenched it into a fist and knocked once.
Twice.
A third time.
His knuckles started to hurt.
"I know it's you Marco." He heard someone say behind the door.
That voice.
"Can you promise me we can talk first?" the voice calmly asked.
Marco opened his mouth, but then closed it again. He thought about it for a minute.
"I promise. Please let me in Jackie. I'm cold."
He heard multiple locks unlock. The door slowly opened and in the doorway was Jackie Lynn Thomas.
Every time Marco saw her, he felt right. Just right.
Though Jackie was smiling at him, her face was still very serious. Her eyes were locked onto his face. It almost felt like she was looking through Marco.
"Come on in then. Don't want you to fall ill." She said and stepped aside.
Marco walked into the house. It was warm, in a pleasant, cosy way. It also smelled very good. If he knew any better, he would've said it smelled like cookies.
"Have a seat Marco." Jackie said and pat on the couch. Marco listened to what she said.
They both just, looked at eachother for a while.
"So..." Jackie started with a sigh.
"You... have been kinda busy I've heard..."
Marco nodded.
"I heard that you were trying to put an end to the Shipping Wars. By killing and raping most girls that have been shipped with you in the past.
And now I'm the only one left..." that last part was merely a whisper.
"Marco. Does... that mean that..."
"You're not it!" Marco blurted out.
Jackie raised her eyebrow.
"What?"
"You're not the one and only for me. 'Jarco' is not OTP." Marco said.
"But... why?" Jackie asked.
"I dunno, lol." Marco said and he whipped out the royal magic wand.
"PREPARE YOUR ANUS!" Marco yelled and he prepared to attack when suddenly someone behind him shouted:
"STOP! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE MR. DIAZ!" Marco turned around to be greated by my home-girl.
"Oh hi Queen Eclipsa! How you doing?" Marco asked.
"Wait, who are you? How the fuck did you get in my house?" Jackie stammered.
Eclipsa ignored Jackie and opened a rift with a fresh pair of dimensional scissors.
"I found him!" She yelled and out came Moon, Glossaryck and the Magic High Counsil (excluding Hekapoo, of course of course).
"You MONSTER!" Moon yelled and she immediatly grabbed Marco and threw him against the wall.
"Ouch... I guess I kinda deserved that..." Marco said. Before he could get up, Rhombulus crystalized his legs, disabling his movement.
"There. Now you can do to him what you want m'lady." Glossaryck said.
"Oh! Oh! Moon dear, can I go first? I haven't practised my dark magic spells in a while! I have some things that might be enjoyable." Eclipsa said enthusiastically.
"Whatever Eclipsa. Just none of the kinky MewmanxMonster shite I found in your chapter of the magic spellbook." Moon replied.
"Dang it..." Eclipsa said, pulled up her dress and teared the huge, throbbing strap-on she was wearing off.
"Just make it very painful. I want him to suffer for what he did to my only daughter..." Moon growled.
"And one of our most respected members!" Omnitraxus said.
"And all those innocent girls!" Jackie said.
Everybody, including Marco turned their head towards her.
"What are you still doing here?" Glossaryck asked.
"Well... y'know... I thought I was the final girl... and the chapter's named after me so..."
And then Rhombulus destroyed her asshole before feeding her to the squirels in the park.
"Hey, that's what I'm supposed to do!" Marco said, before being smacked in the face by Eclipsa. Yes. Smacked. With the strap-on.
"Marco Ubaldo 'dank memes' Diaz, you are hereby found guilty of multiple deaths, multiple rapes and theft of royal property. What say you in your defence?" Omnitraxus belowed.
Marco thought for a second and said: "The aristocrats."
Eclipsa burst out laughing.
"What. The. FUCK! Is so funny?" Moon said whilst biting her underlip.
"Oh dear, I'm terribly sorry, I thought it was funny. Can't I just keep him?" Eclipsa asked while wiping tears of her face.
"NO!" Everybody yelled in unision.
"Alright fine. Buzzkills..." Eclipsa said.
She then turned back to Marco.
"Any last words before we put you through hell on earth dear?" She asked with a sweet smile.
"Yes. Yes I do." Marco said.
He coughed, cleared his voice and then stated: "Ladies and gentlemen. I would very much like to apoligise for my actions. Of course you will not accept my apology, but I knew I did it for the greater good. I hope that one day, you may understand that it is crucial that I must be with the one perfect girl for me."
"Fuck you." Rhombulus said.
"Ok then." Marco said.
"Let's see. Star. Tom. Hekapoo. Janna. Higgs. Kelly. That's a killstreak of six. I guess it'll have to do then."
So Marco played his Precision Airstrike and wiped half of Echo Creek off the globe, along with his assaulters.
Once the smoke cleared, the crystal around Marco's legs had disappeared. Probably because Rhombulus was fucking dead. Along with Omnitraxus, Moon and Eclipsa. The only ones left were him and...
"Glossaryck? You're still alive?" Marco asked.
Glossaryck was buried under a pile of rubble. He threw some pebbles off him and coughed.
"Jesus Marco. You pretty much killed an entire Butterfly generation. Which means I can finally retire!"
He ripped off his robes, revealing a hawaian themed t-shirt. He then grabbed a suitcase and some sunglasses before opening a portal.
"Well, it was nice knowing you Marco! May the Force be with you!" And then he jumped through the portal, never to be seen or heard from again.
But Marco did not care. It was done. It was finally over. The Shipping Wars were officially a thing of the past. He got up and tried to rub some dirt and dust off his hoodie. He had to look somewhat decent for his one true love.
Marco arrived home. As he walked up to the front door he realised he was kinda hungry and thirsty. These last few hours had been tiring. But it could wait. He opened the door and went inside. His parents weren't home.
Good.
He could be alone.
As Marco slowly walked up the stairs, memories flashed through his mind. Memories of the sins he commited. Star and the chainsaw. Tom who barely knew what was going on. Hekapoo and her amazing lasagna. Janna and her weird demon crap. Higgs who was demolished by higher entities. Kelly and her final stand. Jackie who didn't suffer that much. Hopefully...
He started singing to himself...
"Give my love to a shooting star
but she moves so fast
that I can't keep up
I'm chasing"
He reached the second floor and walked to the door of his bedroom.
"I'm in love with a shooting star
but she moves so fast
when she falls then
I'll be waiting"
He opened the door and sat down on his bed. He reached for the small desk next to his bed and opened it.
He kept humming the song as he pulled out a pictureframe.
A tear started forming in his eye.
"Finally...
It's just us now..." He smiled.
He pressed a soft kiss against the picture.
"Just you and me... my dear... my love..."
Marco laid down on his head.
"My dearest...
Princess Turdina..."
The End
Fun fact, this is how I met my girlfriend.
So there you have it. Of course this was obvious. Everybody should know that MarcoxTurdina is OTP. Yet still, the violent Shipping Wars went on and on. I hope I have enlighted some people with this deep, emotional masterpiece. Again, spread the word. Call Daron Nefcy. Scream it off the rooftops! Now, here are your cookies!
On a serious note, I do wish to express my sincere gratitude to the people who have read this entire story through. I enjoyed writing it and hopefully it got a few laughs out of you. If you are a weirdo like me and you want to see more of this stuff, don't you worry, I'm not done yet in the Star vs. Evil category. Who knows, maybe I'll try my hand at something more serious...
Small update 16/04/2018: well damn, we hit 3,000 views. That's an achievement in my book. Cheers chaps and chapettes!