Chapter 5: Grief

As Tony waited for Ducky to arrive, he made a list of all of the things he needed to get from Ziva's apartment. He had shut off the TV when Ziva was brought into the room. He also took their Song of Solomon rings from his pocket and put both on Ziva's neck chain. He slipped the chain around her neck with her Star of David necklace and put his watch around her left wrist. He wrote a note to her and propped it on the night stand with her phone. He didn't expect her to wake while he was gone, but just in case, he wanted her to know where he went.

'Went to get the car and some more clothes for both of us. Ducky is taking me to our apt. Back soon. T'

He bent over Ziva and kissed her forehead, "Ani ohev otach, Ziva." He kissed her lips lightly and she hummed in her sleep. "Ani ohev otach."

Ducky walked in as Tony was kissing Ziva; he stayed quietly just inside the door until Tony stood up.

"Hello, Anthony."

"Hey, Duck. Thanks for coming. Let me grab the bag and my keys and stuff so we can go. I want to get back as soon as possible. I need to be here when she wakes up."

Ducky nodded and waited for Tony to gather his things. The two walked in silence to the elevator and rode to the ground floor. Tony followed Ducky to the parking lot. Ducky stayed quiet, knowing Tony would talk when he was ready. He unlocked the car and Tony got in the passenger seat, placing his bag on the floor between his feet.

Ducky started the engine and pulled out of the parking lot. At the first light, he glanced over at Tony, who was quietly crying.

"Anthony?"

"Yeah, Duck?"

"Whenever you are ready to talk."

"Okay." Tony wiped at his eyes and nose and stared out the window a few minutes. As Ducky started forward when the light changed, he spoke. "Duck, it's just so unfair. She's been through enough already this year. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

"She had a miscarriage, Duck. We saw the baby's heart beating just yesterday and now no more baby."

Ducky moved his hand to Tony's arm. He patted lightly, silently encouraging Tony to let the grief out.

"The accident and the fight with Bodnar were just too much for her body to take. I don't know what to do, Duck? How do I help her through this when I can barely keep it together?" Tony's tears started falling again and he let them flow.

"Anthony, I am so sorry. Did you know she was pregnant?"

"No, we found out less than thirty six hours ago when she went to the ER with abdominal pains. If I had known, she never would have fought with Bodnar, that's for sure. She was about twelve weeks…" Tony trailed off as a new round of tears fell.

"You need to be there for her, but also share your grief. You have both suffered a devastating loss and you will need each other to get through. Let her see you grieving, and it's okay to let her see you cry, Anthony. And both of you can come to me any time."

"Thanks, Ducky." Tony was silent for the remainder of the drive to Ziva's apartment. "How did you know to go to Ziva's apartment?"

"Just a hunch," Ducky patted Tony's arm again. "Tell her how you feel, not just about your loss, but about her, Anthony. She needs to know."

Tony nodded. As Ducky pulled into the parking lot for Ziva's building, he turned to the old doctor, "Thank you, Ducky." He pulled the man into a hug. "Thank you."

Tony grabbed the bag and quickly went into the building with his list. He grabbed another change of clothes for himself, his toothbrush and razor, and underwear, one of his OSU shirts, a pair of jogging pants and shoes and socks for Ziva. As he looked around to see if anything else would be needed, he spotted the two blue bears on the bookshelf in the living room. One was his from when he was a child and the other Ziva had won at a carnival in October. He put both in the bag with the clothing and headed out to his car.

Once in the car, he sent a text to Ziva's phone, just in case she awoke before he got back, 'On the way back. Should be there in fifteen min.' He drove as quickly as he dared without breaking any laws. He just wanted to be back with Ziva as fast as possible. He sprinted across the parking lot, and lucked out when the elevator doors opened as he approached. He walked quickly to Ziva's room, Ducky's words still in his head. He would show her how he felt by being by her side and letting her grieve with him and grieving with her. Ziva was still sleeping soundly when he walked in the room.

He put the bag down on the chair and took Ziva's hand in his. He caressed her face with his other hand, speaking softly to her, "WE will get through this together, Ziva. Ani ohev otach. I will be by your side always, Zi." He kissed her lips softly and then sat in the chair, keeping her hand in his. He thought about climbing onto the bed with her, and just holding her in his arms as she slept, but he was afraid he'd wake her. He reached into the bag and put the two bears on the nightstand, posing them as if they were hugging each other.

He sat and watched her sleep. The love he felt for her almost overwhelmed him. He would have to figure out a way to make sure she knew how much he loved her. He really couldn't live without her; been there, done that; wouldn't repeat it, EVER. They would get through this loss, together and move forward, together. He would do whatever she needed to help her and to help himself. Hell, he'd get her the damn moon if she wanted it. When the time was right, they would have a healthy baby and be parents, together.

Ziva stirred around 1330, and Tony squeezed her hand. "I'm here with you, Ziva." He picked up their intertwined hands and placed a kiss on the back of her hand. She smiled in her sleep, but just shifted position. She finally awoke about 1410, opening her eyes to see Tony watching her.

"Hey," he said softly.

"Hey," she replied. "Tony, I… would you hold me, please?" She shifted over in the bed and he carefully got in next to her. He faced her and drew her to him, wrapping his arms around her. "Toda."

They held each other; foreheads pressed together, eyes locked into each other's gaze. Tears fell from both of them and they wept together for the devastating loss they had experienced. "It won't be easy, Zi, but we will get through this together," Tony whispered.

Ziva nodded and replied softly, "I know. TOGETHER."

They fell asleep wrapped together, and were awakened by the delivery of Ziva's dinner tray. The person delivering the meal looked at Tony. "I have a tray for the man across the hall but he was discharged this afternoon. I'm not supposed to do this, but here." She handed the tray to Tony.

"Thanks." Tony smiled at her. She left to deliver the rest of the meals. He turned to Ziva, "Remind me to give Ducky an update after we eat. He knows, Zi. I sort of lost it when he drove me to get the car, and it all overwhelmed me."

"That is okay. Ducky is a good man," Ziva was glad that Tony was able to talk to Ducky.

The meal was a hamburger with lettuce, tomato and cheese on the side; tater tots, carrot and celery sticks and a piece of chocolate cake. Each tray also had a container of milk and a container of apple juice. Ziva ate half of her burger and handed the other half to Tony. He finished his burger and then ate the half she gave him.

As they were finishing the meal, Dr. Garcia entered the room. "Good evening, Ziva and Tony. How are you feeling, Ziva?"

"I… well, there is no pain. I am still a bit sore, but it is better." Tony noticed that Ziva had gone into 'Mossad mode' again. "I will be fine."

Tony took Ziva's hand in his as she fought tears. "It's okay to cry, Zi. We've lost something important and it's okay to grieve for our baby."

"I feel broken, Tony. Director Vance said it years ago, I am damaged goods."

"No, Ziva. If we want a child we can try again."

Dr. Garcia spoke up, "He's right, Ziva. Give your body about four to six months to heal and you can try again. You know now that you CAN conceive. Next time, you will know to watch for signs of pregnancy and you can get prenatal care from the beginning."

"I told you back then and I'll keep telling you, Ziva, I can't live without you. WE will move forward together." Tony stroked her face with his hand and met her gaze. "Ducky has offered to help in any way he can. You know he is a good listener if you need to talk to someone."

"I need time to sort through all of this."

"I do too, but I promise not to shut you out. Will you do the same for me, Zi? It's important that WE talk and share."

Ziva nodded and caressed Tony's face with her hand. "I promise, Tony."

"I'll be by in the morning and most likely you will be discharged around lunch time tomorrow. I'll have discharge instructions for you and we'll schedule a follow up in about a month. Any questions?"

Both Tony and Ziva shook their heads no, and thanked the doctor.

"Good night," Dr. Garcia headed out to his next patient.

Ziva moved to the side and motioned for Tony to sit on the bed, "Hold me, Tony, please." He moved next to her and wrapped his arms around her.

"I won't let go until you want me to, I've got you, Ziva." Tony kissed her head and pulled her to him. She leaned into his embrace, tears slowly falling down her cheeks. Tony wiped her tears as his own rolled down his cheeks. "Ani ohev otach," he whispered.

Tony woke about three hours later to Ziva sobbing in his arms. He wiped her face, and kissed her cheek. "It's okay to cry, Ziva." She nodded that she understood what he said and sobbed harder. Tony's heart broke at hearing her sobs and he started crying, sobbing with her. They held each other as they sobbed, grief pouring off them like water.

Ziva hiccupped and tried to speak, "Tony, I… I am so… sorry. Our baby died… because of me."

"No, Ziva. Did you cause the accident? NO. Did you throw your body at the railing? NO. Ilan Bodnar is the one responsible for both. If anyone caused the baby to die, it was him." Tony would not let Ziva blame herself. He would stop that kind of thinking any way he could.

"But, Tony, I should have known."

"How, Ziva? You thought you couldn't get pregnant, right?"

"Yes."

"Do you know what to look for as signs of pregnancy, other than a missed period?"

"No."

"So, how could you have known?" Tony wanted to change her thinking as quickly as possible. There was no way he would let her blame herself for their loss.

"I… I could… not have… known." Ziva admitted. She started to say something else and Tony put his finger over her lips.

"Correct; you could not have known." Ziva looked into Tony's eyes. She saw love, pure love, and no blame, no hate, no anger. How could he be so understanding when she herself could not understand?

"Tony, do you blame me? Do you see me at fault in this?"

"No, Ziva. God, no. I could never blame you or be angry at you. Not ever; well, only if you try to blame yourself."

Ziva sighed, "I feel so empty inside. I feel like a part of me is missing."

Tony nodded, "I know. I feel that same emptiness and that I lost a part of me. And, you know what, it hurts like hell. I want to scream, I want to punch something, I want to find Bodnar's body and demolish it. Destroy it so there are no recognizable pieces."

Ziva was surprised at the anger in Tony's voice. She could understand what he was saying, though, because she wanted to do the same thing. "So where do we direct that anger?"

"I don't know, Zi. But I refuse to let it consume me and rule my life. WE will work this through together, that I do know. It's you and me, kid." Ziva smiled at Tony through her tears; leave it to Tony to use a movie reference to make her smile.

"This is not easy, sharing these feelings, Tony. But I do know that it is helping me to talk with you. I also think we should keep cuddling and holding each other. It brings me comfort to be in your arms."

"It's not easy for me, either, Ziva. I am used to joking to bury feelings. Holding you and being held by you also brings me comfort." Tony drew Ziva to him in a hug, wrapping his arms around her and pressing his forehead against hers. "We will take this one day at a time; one hour at a time; hell, one minute at a time if that's what we need."