Happy New Year everyone!
"So how goes the project?" asks Gale on Sunday morning when we've taken a break from hunting and sat down for a meagre breakfast of about three bites each from the Hawthornes' leftover fish.
"Are you really interested in hearing about that?" I ask, chewing my fish slowly to make the taste linger longer.
"Sure" says Gale.
"It's okay" I say, shrugging a shoulder and tossing a fishbone in a shrubbery.
"And how's working with the baker's kid?"
I hesitate before I answer. It's going a lot better than I expected but I can't think of Peeta without thinking about my embarrassing comment last week. I haven't so much as looked at him since then but tomorrow is Monday and we have to sit down again for a full hour and work together. For once in my life I feel like stomach flu wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
"Peeta's nice" I answer finally.
"Maybe" says Gale sceptically. "For a merchant kid perhaps."
"Merchant kids aren't all bad" I point out, smirking at him for how his comment made it sound like he thinks they're as bad as Capitol people.
"Well you'd know better than me" he replies. "Come to think of it you seem to have a lot of friends from town."
"I don't have a lot of friends, period."
"Madge, the baker's kid..."
"Peeta isn't my friend" I argue.
"Good."
"Good?"
"I just mean... Seam people should stick to Seam people. It's easier that way. For everyone."
"Luckily my father didn't share that sentiment" I reply dryly and finish my breakfast, wiping my fingers on the leg of my pants.
"I didn't mean it like that" says Gale in a softer tone. Then he harks and balls up the paper the fish was wrapped in. "It's almost hard to imagine that little Catnip is only about eight months away from adulthood."
"Only about eight months away from my final reaping" I add. "That's what I keep thinking about. Graduating and all that comes second."
"The last year was the worst" admits Gale. "Once you're through it, though... It's a real sense of relief."
"As long as they don't draw Prim's name instead" I reply, a shiver running through me at the mere mention of my worst nightmare.
"They're not going to draw her name" says Gale reassuringly. "She only has three slips. She'll be fine."
"Let's hope" I say.
A gush of icy wind blows in and I shiver, wrapping my father's old jacket tighter around me as if that would make any difference. Autumn is giving way to winter fast. There's no snow on the ground today but the frost that lay sparkling on the ground when we met up here this morning is still there, the sun not warm enough to melt it. The smell of snow is in the air and it wouldn't surprise me if it would start falling before the day is over. A handful of trees still have their leaves but they are all covered in frost and giving way to the coldest season. It's going to be a long, cold, dark winter for sure. I can feel it in my bones.
Gale snivels a little where he sits beside me. He always seems to get the sniffles this time of year and I suspect spending several hours a day in a dark mine doesn't do much to help matters. He seems in fairly good spirits though, which I take as a good sign.
"Have you given any thought to what you're going to do after school?" he asks, blowing on his hands to keep them warm.
"I've thought about it some" I say. "Actually I copied the list of jobs they suggested for us, you know, for the project. I'm thinking it can come in handy."
"You might not need to get a job" says Gale after a moment's pause.
I look up at him with curiosity. This is the second time in a few weeks that I've heard him express such thoughts.
"The only way I'm getting out of needing a job is if I end up reaped" I say.
"So negative" smiles Gale. "So the project is at least somewhat useful?"
"Yes" I nod. "For the most part though it's a giant waste of time. They could at least have asked which ones even plan on getting married and let the rest of us do something more worthwhile."
"Listen to you" laughs Gale. "Still thinking you want to live with Prim and your mother for the rest of your life?"
I can't remember having ever expressed any such desire, at least not past the age of six or seven. Does Gale just automatically assume that I'm so attached to my mother and sister that I can't handle living under a different roof than them? I'm no idiot, I fully expect Prim to find some nice boy a few years down the line and then move out and get married. I'm not very excited about living with alone with my mother for the rest of my life but lately I've been thinking that perhaps someday I could move in with Prim and her family.
"I'm never getting married, Gale" I say, wanting to make sure he knows what I'm really talking about. "And I'm never having kids."
"Because of the reaping?"
"Yes, for one. There's no way I'm providing the Capitol with another possible lamb for the slaughter. No way I'd put myself through it, standing there year after year, petrified and powerless…"
Gale is quiet for a moment.
"I might have kids."
"Good for you" I mutter, not wild about the idea of having to see his children go into the arena either. He's made similar comments in the past though. I know he would like to have children. I just don't see how he dares to, what with having three younger siblings to feed and to agonize over when Effie Trinket sticks her hand in the reaping balls. I only have the one sibling and that is terrifying enough.
"I definitely want to get married someday" he continues. "And if I didn't live here I'd want to have a lot of kids. A large family, like my own."
"Yeah but you do live here" I point out. "There's no point in pretending that someday that might change."
I realize he's suddenly sitting closer to me on the log. I nudge closer to him to close to gap between us and get some of his body heat. He's giving me an odd look and for once I can't seem to figure out what's going on in that mind of his.
"You've never given any thought to it?" he says.
"To not living here? Come on, Gale."
"No" he says. "To being married."
"Did you not hear me just now?"
"Yeah I know how you're reasoning" he says. "You're still a kid, Katniss. You'll be eighteen in the spring and you'll be graduating both from school and from the Hunger Games but you are still a kid."
"I'm adult enough to provide for the household" I scowl.
"What I mean is you're not fully adult yet and your viewpoints might come to change as you grow into adulthood. You might realize one day that you actually do want to get married and share your life with someone."
"Not a chance" I say. "I can't afford feelings like that."
"Can't afford?" he asks, a strange tone in his voice. "Or are you just afraid?"
"What?"
"Katniss..."
There's that weird look again. It makes me uncomfortable and I suddenly feel like we're sitting too close. I get up and pick up my bow from the ground.
"We're losing valuable time" I say. "I want to come back home with enough meat to keep us fed every day of the week. Let's get moving."
"Okay" he says after a pause. "Okay, Catnip, have it your way."
What is with him today? I try my best to ignore the way he just looked at me but I can't shake the feeling that came over me when I saw it. Consequently I'm not as focused during the hunt and it's Gale that brings home our only prey of the day – a scrawny rabbit that definitely won't feed two families tonight, never mind for seven whole days. Since he killed it he gets to keep it, despite his protests that we should share. Better at least the Hawthornes fill their bellies than that nobody gets to feel full. He suggests we stay out until we get something for my family too but for once I don't want to stay out in the woods all day.
I head home with clattering teeth and with no food for my sister and mother. On days like these I'm even more convinced that I never want to start a family of my own that I would have to provide for. Watching my sister's disappointed face when I walk through the door empty-handed is horrible enough. The thought of having to see that look on the face of my children is unbearable. I can't promise anyone a childhood without hunger, or without the Hunger Games, and it doesn't feel right to bring somebody into the world under those circumstances.
"You're awfully quiet" my mother says while we're having what passes for dinner that evening. One tiny potato each and some broth cooked from the marrow of one of my kills from last week. Not nearly enough to fill your stomach. Barely even enough to take the worst edge off the hunger.
I don't dignify my mother's comment with a response. I'm rarely talkative at the table, or anywhere else besides the woods, really.
"Did something happen in the woods?" she continues to prod, oblivious to my irritation. "Did you have a fight with Gale?"
"What?" I say with annoyance, blowing on a spoonful of broth to cool it a little before putting it in my mouth. "Why would I have gotten into a fight with Gale?"
"I'm just asking."
"Are you upset because tomorrow is Monday and you have to work on the project?" asks Prim carefully.
"What project?" asks Mother.
"I told you about it two weeks ago" I say patiently even though I mostly feel like snapping at her. "They've teamed us up and we're supposed to work out a budget and things like that as if we have graduated and are living on our own."
"Not on your own" says Prim with a grin. "Married."
"Prim!" I say in an annoyed tone.
"That sounds ambitious" says Mother, taking a small bite from her potato. "But I don't see why it would make you uncomfortable."
"Who says it's making me uncomfortable? Can we stop talking about me?"
"Prim just said you might be upset because you have that project tomorrow. Are you behind on your work?"
"No" I sigh. "And I'm not upset. I just think it's pointless."
"How is it pointless?"
I hold back another sigh, knowing there's no point in trying to get out of this conversation. My mother goes through periods where she takes a keen interest in what's going on with us but they usually only last for a week or two. On the bright side they seem to be happening more and more often, which suggests that she might finally be coming back to life again after my father's death. On the less than bright side it's rather irritating when she gets concerned about Prim or me and especially when she worries about my lack of friends.
"I just don't think I need it" I answer. "They seem to assume that everyone is getting married this summer, or shortly thereafter. I'm not."
"You might still learn a thing or two" says Mother diplomatically.
"I think you'll end up married someday" smirks Prim.
"I won't, little duck" I say but I give her a smile.
"It's your choice" says Mother. We've had similar talks before so she knows where I stand on the issue. "Just don't think you're immune to it. It's easy to swear off marriage when you're not in love."
"I do swear off marriage and I'm not in love" I reply, blowing on another spoonful of steaming broth. "Nor am I ever going to be."
"You can't control those things" my mother objects. "What about you and Gale?"
"What about me and Gale?" I ask. "He's my friend, not my boyfriend."
"Does he want to be?" she asks.
"What?"
"I see the way he looks at you sometimes" Mother smirks. She rises and begins to gather the dirty dishes.
"I don't know what you're talking about" I say. I've never known Gale to look at me in any way other than that of a friend or hunting partner. Except today in the woods but that was something else. "Gale and I are friends, that's all."
"I think it would be romantic if you fell in love" says Prim with a dreaming smile. She's become much more interested in boys and romance this past year and I haven't quite gotten used to this development in my baby sister yet.
"Why are you two suddenly advocating me and Gale as a couple?" I ask.
"I guess I always assumed the two of you would become something more than just friends" says Mother, collecting my now empty bowl. "You spend as much time together as you can, you work very well together as a team, I know that you love him even if it's not quite romantic love. It only seems logical for the two of you to end up getting married. The best loves are the ones that evolve out of friendship."
"How would you know?" I question as I rise from the table. "You and Father weren't friends before you became a couple."
"I'm with Mother on this one" says Prim and goes to get the rag to wipe off the table. "You and Gale would be really great together."
"Great as friends" I emphasize.
Thankfully they both seem to settle for that answer and nothing more is said on the subject. But that night when I'm lying in bed next to Prim I can't help but think of what they said and of Gale's weird behaviour out in the woods today. Then my mind goes to Peeta. He assumed Gale and I were a couple. Is that something everyone assumes? The more I think about it the more I seem to remember knowing looks and smirks from Greasy Sae and Darius, the peacekeeper, when Gale and I got to the Hob together. I remember cheeky comments from the butcher about how Gale and I seem to share a household and other similar incidents.
The more I think about it the more I realize that the people in District 12 who know who Gale and I are all seem to think that there's something more between us than just friendship, or that there's going to be at some point in the future. Is my mother right? Would a love affair be the logical next step? If so, how do I really feel about that?
I love Gale, I suppose. I don't think I'm in love with him. Then again I don't know what that is supposed to feel like. I really like being in his company and I spend all week longing for Sunday, hoping that he will be out in the woods. I think of him as a member of my extended family. Is that being in love? I've never thought about kissing him or what that would be like but does that really mean anything? I've always been adamant that I don't want the kind of love that leads to a family so why should my mind go to kissing?
One thing I am sure of is that I don't want to be in love with Gale. Us ending up together romantically might be the logical next step but if we do fall in love with each other that brings us right to where I really don't want to go. Marriage. Babies. The risk of having our child's name drawn at the reaping. I cannot afford the kind of love that leads to marriage and children.
But what if Gale falls in love with me? He sees it differently, he told me as much today. He would want us to be married and start a family and what would happen when I tell him no? Would I lose him? The more I think about it the more I come to the conclusion that if Gale's and my friendship evolved into love that would only mean that we lose each other. That is a frightening prospect.
I don't sleep well that night, both from hunger and from worrying about what might happen between Gale and me. As a result I can barely keep my eyes open at school and when Peeta and I sit down to work on the project I'm sullen and not in the mood for talking. Unlike last week I don't care if I come off as unkind or rude. It's not like it matters what Peeta thinks of me at the end of the day. We may be stuck working together on this thing but once school is over we'll probably never speak two words to each other again, unless possibly when I stop by the bakery to sell my squirrels. No, not even then. He's not going to be able to work there when his brother takes over. When Peeta himself marries.
"You're awfully quiet today" notes Peeta when I haven't said a word in fifteen minutes.
"Let's just do the work" I mutter.
"Yeah, absolutely, but... It's easier if we talk."
"Not everything has to be teamwork" I object. "I'm working on page four, you finish page three. We can do those independently."
"Okay" he says.
We work in silence for another ten minutes. I'm finding it hard to concentrate. Working on this project just keeps reminding me of Gale today and makes me wonder if he would expect us to have a home together if he ever does fall in love with me. He shouldn't expect something like that from me. Even if I fell in love with him in return he shouldn't expect it. He should know me well enough to know that I'm serious about not getting married. Then again, yesterday he didn't seem to understand where I was coming from at all.
"Have I done something to upset you?" Peeta asks suddenly.
"What?"
I look up from my paper and meet his eyes. He looks troubled and I'm reminded again of how genuinely nice he is. He barely knows me but apparently the idea of having made me upset causes him great concern.
"I know I teased you a little last week" he continues. "You've barely looked at me since and now you're not speaking to me. I just want to apologise if you took offense. I really didn't mean anything by it."
"No" I say. "No, it's fine. Don't worry about it."
He doesn't look convinced but he doesn't force the issue either. He goes back to work and I do the same, only now I'm also feeling bad for making him feel bad.
"I didn't sleep well last night" I mutter after a while, trying to explain my silence. "And I have... a lot on my mind."
He looks up at me again and I'm relieved that his eyes aren't brimming over with concern or compassion. Instead he looks understanding.
"I'll be quiet then" he says with a small nod. "Let me know if you want me to take over your page as well."
"What?" I frown. "No. I'm not going to let you do all the work."
He nods a little and continues working. We don't say more than a few words to each other during the rest of the class but the silence turns out to be surprisingly comfortable. Once he's no longer worried that he's offended me he seems okay with not filling the silence with conversation and I find myself feeling strangely comfortable in his presence. There's something disarming about him, like he doesn't want anything from me other than for us to sit here and do our work. Like it's up to me if I want to talk or not and he will be content either way. Like I don't have to be sociable. I hadn't expected that from someone like him who always seems to be in a crowd of people, engaging in conversation. Perhaps he finds it relaxing to not have to talk for once.
When we're finished he gives me a little smile and thanks me for the day. I don't smile back but I don't sound as awkward as last time when I say I'll see him next week. He replies that we'll see each other tomorrow and then leaves.