Just a quick reminder to avoid confusion, temperatures are in centigrade because that's what I know.
I hide a yawn behind my hand and then pull my old cardigan closer around myself while I wait for Prim to finish milking Lady. It's early morning and the coldest day so far this winter. I can see my sister's breaths from where I'm standing by the window, watching her from indoors yet still not feeling warm and comfy. Our house was never built to withstand the coldest of winters. It was just built to stand. On days like these the indoor temperature drops to somewhere around 17 or 18 degrees.
The Harvest Festival is over and the Victory Tour has come and gone. We get a few days off from school while the tour is ongoing, ostensibly so we can all participate in the celebrations and enjoy life to the fullest. It most certainly is not so that we can watch with bated breaths how the broadcasts assures us of how glorious the Hunger Games are and what an amazing country Panem truly is. I don't mind the Victory Tour all that much, compared to the actual Games it's relatively harmless, but it's still a reminder of what is to come in six months' time and how we are never free, never safe.
Prim finishes milking the goat and comes back inside, shivering as she hands me the old ceramic pot. While she hurries off to shed her preferred wool sweater in favour of something nicer and more school appropriate I put the lid on the pot and place it in the refrigerator. Lady doesn't give much milk anymore. She rarely does during winter. What she does give we will have to drink. No point in making cheese out of it. I need to see to it that she gets impregnated again soon, so we will have milk for another season.
"Okay, I'm ready!" says Prim as she comes rushing out of her room, still shivering from the cold outside. She grabs the new gloves I got for her a few weeks back and wraps her scarf around her neck. I wish she had a warmer jacket to put on but there simply isn't money for that.
"Okay, then," I say. "Let's go."
She sticks her hand in mine as we walk out the door and make our way towards school. We walk fast, eager to get there as quickly as possible. I don't have a hat and my ears burn from the cold after just a few minutes. Going out hunting is bound to be a miserable experience if this temperature keeps up but I can't let something like that hinder me. We need that protein and fat more than ever when the weather gets this bad.
We walk together in silence. The cold doesn't invite for conversation. When we reach school Prim gives my hand a squeeze and hurries off towards her locker. I'm not nearly as swift as she is, taking my time walking to my own locker, opening it and putting my outerwear away with little enthusiasm. I can't say that I've missed being here five days a week. My head hurts a little and the unnecessary yet unavoidable loudness of my fellow students is not really what I need right now. Stifling another yawn I stop by the water fountain before I head off to class, spending a good minute or two trying to get enough water out of it to quench my thirst.
It's Wednesday and I'm glad that school is starting back up today of all the week days. Wednesdays mean history, literature and biology, three of the subjects I like the best. It also has none of my least favourite classes, a happy coincidence this year. I spend the first half of the day sitting by myself since Madge is home with the flu. It gets a little bit lonely at lunchtime and I have to admit to myself that sitting by myself makes me feel just a little bit vulnerable nowadays. I never used to care much but I've gotten used to Madge's company and without it I feel a bit isolated. Though not so isolated that I go and find Prim to join her for lunch. She's got her own friends to sit with and I'd probably feel very much out of place joining their crowd.
I startle as a brown paper bag drops down on the table across from where I'm sitting, followed by a pair of books and then a backpack onto an empty chair. The paper bag is the kind they use at the bakery, the books look old and worn and the backpack is very familiar. I lift my head from my meagre lunch and stare at the owner of the aforementioned objects with incredulity and a touch of dismay. I've still got a headache and I was hoping for some calm and quiet.
"Mind if I sit with you?" asks Peeta, already taking a seat opposite me, seemingly very sure of my answer. "I really, really need to study for the chemistry test tomorrow and it's impossible to concentrate if I sit at my normal lunch table."
I scowl, slowly turning my head to glance over at the table where he usually sits. A group of six or seven merchant kids are gathered, talking and laughing amongst themselves. There are a few empty chairs at their table and another member of their clique comes and has a seat. I turn back to look at Peeta who has opened one of the textbooks and is digging inside the paper bag with one hand. He's not going to wait for my answer, is he?
"Why are you sitting here?" I question.
"You don't mind, do you?" His hand find whatever he was looking for in the bag and I'm momentarily distracted, wondering if he'll be lifting out a delicious sandwich filled with all kinds of goodies. He does produce a sandwich from the bag but it's got only a slice of cheese and what looks like a rather stiff, not to mention thin, slice of ham. Leagues better than what I send with Prim most days but still not what I had expected from the baker's youngest child. "I'm not going to bother you, I swear. You won't even know that I'm here." He takes a bite from the sandwich and the bread seems decidedly stale. It makes me feel just a little bit disappointed.
"Why are you sitting here?" I insist.
"Chemistry test," he says as soon as he's swallowed his bite, as if those two words explain everything. Finally my scowl seems to register with him and he makes a face. "The thing is, I'm really bad at chemistry. Terrible. I can't seem to make sense of it, never have, but I have to do well on tomorrow's test. In order to do well I need to study every chance I get." He's taking fast, like he's either stressed or nervous. "I spent as much time as I could studying during our days off but you know how the peacekeepers get during the Victory Tour, and the stop here in Twelve is big business for us, and our parents needed us in the bakery. Not to say I like the Victory Tour but it does help put food on the table from now until the end of winter so I have only to be grateful. And still I've been stressing out over chemistry, not bake orders."
"Why do you care how well you do in chemistry?" I question. "When does a baker need to know the periodic table? That stuff is useful for miners, not merchants."
"You know better than that," he says dryly, taking another bite from his sandwich.
"At least not the majority of merchants," I correct myself.
"Tell that to my grades."
"So? A bad grade in chemistry won't be the end of your world."
"Tell that to my mother."
That shuts me up. I take another bite from my own very measly lunch and study him silently. He takes little notice. His eyes are glued to the textbook and he doesn't even look up at his sandwich, eating it almost mechanically. Once it's all gone he reaches inside the bag again and produces a small apple and a bottle of water. He gets halfway through the apple before sighing and finally taking his eyes off the text in order to turn his attention to the notepad which I notice has a skeletal model of a water molecule scribbled on it. He flips through a few pages and sets his apple aside, grabbing his pencil instead.
"Learning much?" I ask, not sure why.
He looks up, a somewhat weary expression on his face.
"I wouldn't say that."
"What's so hard about chemistry anyway?" I ask, taking care not to sound unkind or belittling. I wouldn't call it my best subject, and certainly not my favourite, but I've never found it the most difficult class. "It's bonds and compounds and the like. How things are drawn to one another and how they interact."
"I just don't get it, I suppose," he sighs. "It doesn't make any sense to me. I don't know why. Electrons and protons just appear out of nowhere when needed, just to make one example, and that makes no sense to me whatsoever. And without intuitively understanding it I have to pound it all into my head and know it by heart." He shakes his head and runs a hand through his curls as he begins to scribble in his notebook. "It frustrates me."
"So what is it you're writing down?" I ask, crossing my arms on the table and leaning forward to get a better look. I realize I'm disturbing him but I don't care. Maybe I can help. From the looks of it he could use it.
"The chemical formulas that will be on the test. If I had unlimited supply to paper and pencil I think this might give me an actual shot at memorizing it all. I learn a lot better when I'm writing down. I'm… kind of visual, I suppose."
"So then visualise."
He looks up at me, staring at me like I just suggested he put on a musical performance featuring all formulas we'll be tested on.
"What?" he says flatly.
"Don't think of them just as formulas on paper," I shrug. "I don't know… Draw or write something for each chemical formula and memorize that together and then during the test…" I shrug again, suddenly feeling incredibly stupid. I don't have the first idea how this might be useful to him and I have a feeling he regrets sitting with me. He's not getting any peace and quiet to study, only imprudent suggestions from a classmate whose grades are no doubt a lot less impressive than his.
He looks at me for several seconds, making me squirm a little. Then he looks down at his notebook and after a second he scribbles something next to the formula for calcium chloride. A cube.
"What's that?" I ask, despite deciding I'll shut up and let him study in peace.
"An ice-cube. All I can really remember about this is that it can be used to prevent icing." He sighs heavily. "I hate chemistry. Your idea is good, don't get me wrong. I just can't figure out how to apply it."
"I can help you if you want."
He looks at me, his brow furrowing just a touch.
"Katniss I know I'm crashing your lunch here. If you want me gone it's okay to say so. You don't have to spoil your break by helping me prepare for the test."
"I don't mind," I insist. "I help Prim study all the time." I point at another formula. "Here, for instance. Carbon dioxide, it's something we exhale, right? So, I don't know… draw a nose or a… lung." I blush slightly, again feeling stupid, but Peeta nods and draws a cute little nose on his notepad next to the formula.
He glances at the textbook and transcribes the formulas he didn't already have in his notepad. All in all a total of fifteen, all of which I already know and won't need to brush up on before the test tomorrow. They're pretty random but most of them have to do with the mining industry in some way or other. Our schooling tends to be tailored to prepare us for our bleak futures.
"That one is easy," I say, pointing to the last one he adds to the list. "NaCl. Saline." My mother uses saline to clean wounds, though we rarely have enough of it around. She talks sometimes about how she wishes she could give intravenous treatments to the people who come see her and apparently saline is an absolute must in those occasions.
Peeta gives me an amused, crooked smile.
"Yes. Also table salt."
"Huh?"
"NaCl, aka saline, is the same thing as ordinary salt. The cartons of salt we buy for the bakery are labelled NaCl."
Somewhere in the back of my mind this factoid rings awfully familiar but before I can make any further comments one of our classmates, a merchant boy, comes up and lands a serious of drumming pats on Peeta's shoulders. Peeta turns his head to look at his friend, a tall and lanky boy with dark blond hair and deep brown eyes. His name is Stork and his parents own a small sawmill.
"Seriously, Peeta, you need to spend less time on the idiotic project and more time studying your chemistry," he says in a teasing, friendly tone. He gives me a quick look and a nod. "Katniss."
"Stork," I reply, giving him a very small nod in return.
"Actually I am studying for the chemistry test," says Peeta in a resigned tone.
"Your parents will freak if you flunk, you know."
"I am aware," says Peeta dryly. "Thank you for the kind reminder."
"I don't know why you don't just ask for help when you need it," sighs Stork, reaching down to grab Peeta's books. "Come on, get moving. I've aced every chemistry test we've had so far and that makes me your safest bet for a study partner."
Peeta collects the rest of his things and sends me a crooked smile and a thanks before leaving with his friend. I watch him go and try not to feel disappointed that he so easily cast me aside and went ahead with his friend's offer of help instead. With a small sigh I gather up the wrapping from my meagre meal and toss it in a waste bin on my way out. I have ten minutes until my next class and if I hurry I might be able to find a vacant couch in the tiny library and lie down to rest my aching head.
"I'm so glad you decided to stop by," says Gale as he nuzzles against my neck. His arms are wrapped around me from behind, bringing me warmth in the cold afternoon. It's about an hour past dinner time and we're out on the Hawthornes' back porch getting some air. Which is actually code for wanting a moment to ourselves, which can otherwise only happen in his bedroom and Hazelle does not allow that. I feel Gale's lips press gently at a spot just below my ear. Thankfully it's pitch dark, or I wouldn't have allowed this kind of display of affection. Inside the house is one thing, as his whole family knows about us already, but out here we need to be more careful.
"I'm glad you're feeling better," I tell him. He spent the better part of the past week in bed with a fever, a cough and a runny nose. We only saw each other once during this time since he was afraid of infecting me. It didn't matter that I pointed out to him that my mother and sister bring home all kinds of germs from the people they help. Gale has gotten protective of me in a whole new way.
"You being here makes me feel even better, still," he mumbles against my skin, his hot breath warming a spot halfway between my ear and collarbone. His lips press a kiss against the same spot, warming it further.
"We shouldn't be out here for long," I say. My hands find his upper arms and give them a squeeze. "I don't want you getting sick again right away and the cold air is not good for your cough."
"Now that my fever's gone I spend all day down in the mines again. That's cold enough and the coal dust doesn't help." His face leaves the crook of my neck and his cheek comes to rest against mine. "In comparison this is like a Capitol health resort."
I let out a sound that's halfway between a chortle and a snort, shaking my head slightly. Though he's right. Him being back in that environment so soon worries me.
"Just try and keep from getting worse again," I implore.
He makes a sound of agreement deep in the back of his throat. We stand in silence together, breathing in the ice cold air, watching the stars in the sky. After a few minutes I start to tire of the cold and I turn around in Gale's embrace and place a soft kiss on his closed mouth, telling him it's time to go back inside.
"You shouldn't kiss me," he chastises, not sounding the least bit upset that I did. "You'll get sick, too."
"I'm a brave huntress. I'll take my chances."
He chuckles and that turns into a coughing fit. He pulls away from me and turns around so as to avoid coughing directly on me. I rub his back with my hand and wait until the coughing has subsided. When it does he turns back to me with a small smile on his lips.
"Before we go inside, there's something I want to discuss with you."
"Can't we discuss it in the kitchen, over tea?"
"It's about us." I nod in understanding. His whole family is inside the small house and having a private conversation in there is as good as hopeless.
"Perhaps it can wait?" I suggest, worried that he'll get too cold if we stay outside much longer. "I can come by again tomorrow, we can go for a walk?"
"I have a better idea," he says softly. His hand cups my chin gently and tilts my head so that we're looking into each other's eyes. He's looking at me with warmth and fondness, a kind of look he never used to give me.
"Okay?"
"I think tomorrow I should come over and have dinner with you and your family, and we'll tell them about us."
Immediately I tense up. I begin raking my mind, trying to come up with some reasonable argument as to why we should wait longer. Perhaps the most reasonable one is the very fact that I don't feel comfortable with it yet, and we should get to the bottom of that. I should feel comfortable. This is what was bound to happen all along, wasn't it? Gale and I together, taking the step from young adults out hunting together to grown-ups building a life together. Wasn't that how we all expected it to end up? Why then am I resisting it this way?
"Uhm…" I begin, stalling for time.
"Katniss?" He doesn't sound angry but he does sound wounded. I suppose I can't blame him. If you're together with someone you want that person to feel good acknowledging it. Otherwise that person doesn't care enough about you, and that would be very hurtful. The time for not liking the other person back is behind us. That time is before you agree to date. And I do care about Gale. I care about him so much and I don't want to lose him.
"I think tomorrow might be a bad day," I say, forcing myself to lie. "I think Prim has plans to eat dinner at a friend's house." I swallow and force a smile. "Don't you think Sunday would be better?"
The smile he rewards me with is so bright that it brings a touch of genuineness to my own smile. I reach up my hand and caress his cheek, feeling the stubble there. I remind myself that being with Gale is the natural progression, that this is where I should end up. The fact that I'm resisting it has mostly to do with my strong feelings about marriage and not with Gale per se, I tell myself. I don't want to be married to anyone, ever. I know Gale knows this and I should trust him to honour and respect that. I should try and loosen up a bit and let go of my worries. Things will turn out alright. Gale and me telling Mother and Prim that we're going out does in no way mean that we'll start planning a toasting as soon as I turn nineteen. There is no cause to be concerned.
"Sunday sounds perfect, Catnip," grins Gale. He ignores his previous concerns about infecting me with his cold and leans down to give me a long, hard kiss on the mouth. He chuckles happily and pulls me in for a tight hug. "I admit I was getting anxious about you not wanting them to know about us. I can't wait for Sunday! We should meet up early in the woods and try to catch something special for the occasion."
"Gale, it's just telling them we're dating," I point out with a small smile. "We're not announcing our engagement or anything."
"No I know." He pulls back and looks at me with a wide grin. "But I've been waiting for this for a long time and it feels so right to finally be able to say it. To be a couple for real. Even if it doesn't mean much changes when we're out in public. I know you won't want to hold hands at the Hob or things like that, and that's fine. Just knowing that you're my girlfriend is more than enough to make me happy."
"Come on," I say, giving him a pat on the back. "Let's get you back inside. It's freezing out here and getting colder by the minute."
"Is it? I hadn't noticed." He gives me a wink and I roll my eyes, causing him to laugh. The laughter, in turn, sets off a round of coughs. "Sorry," he says between coughs. "I just couldn't help teasing you a bit. I know you hate that mushy stuff."
"Mushy is definitely not us," I say, opening the door and ushering him inside. I shiver as I close the door behind me. It's warmer in here than in my own home and I decide to stay at least another half-hour until I'm sufficiently warmed up. I take Gale by the hand and lead him into the sitting room, where Rory and Vick and playing something that involves running around a whole lot and making lots of noise. They barely seem to notice that we're come back inside. As we sit down on the couch I notice Gale looking at me intently. "What?" I ask.
"I think that might be the first time you referred to us as… us."
I've used those two letters in reference to him and me countless times over the years but he might be right in that I've never before used it to describe us as a couple. I give him a smile, wondering to myself why things like that matter.
"Well I'll need the practice, won't I? If we're to tell my mother and Prim on Sunday. From then on we'll be an us officially."
He wraps his arm around me and pulls me closer, stifling another few coughs. He buries his face against my hair, mumbling softly to me while his hand draws patterns on my arm.
"We will be… From Sunday forward we'll be us. To everyone. And I can't wait."
"Damn it!" I snarl, just barely resisting the temptation of throwing my quiver down on the snow-covered ground beneath my feet. Twenty-or-so yards away a lanky rabbit disappears into the frozen flora, very much alive and not pierced by my arrow. I curse again under my breath and get up to go find the arrow, hoping it will be in good enough condition to be used again. This is the fifth time I've missed today. One more miss and it will be a new record – one I am not anxious to set.
"I keep telling you to wear gloves," says Gale calmly, adjusting the arrows in his quiver and then putting the quiver back over his shoulder. "Your fingers get too stiff in the cold."
"I can't feel what I'm doing if I'm wearing gloves," I growl in response, searching through the patch of frozen shrubbery which the rabbit disappeared into. Where is that damn arrow? "They're just in the way."
"Can't feel what you're doing if you're frozen solid either."
I make a face in response to his words, knowing he can't see it anyway. My eyes search the area where the arrow ought to be. I'm starting to run low – if I can't find and reuse this one I only have three more, my quiver looking sadly empty. I will then have to spend time fining material for new arrows, not to mention the time in which to make them. I'm hungry. I don't want to spend time on arrows, I want to spend time hunting.
"Maybe we should call it quits for the day," suggests Gale. "We've got my turkey."
"The smallest turkey we've ever felled," I point out. "Barely any meat on it."
"Still more than enough for dinner tonight."
"If you're eating with us then we need to bring home something for your mother and the kids," I argue.
"We have three more snares to check. We might have caught something in one of them."
"And if not?"
"Then it will still be alright, Katniss," he says calmly.
"Damn it," I mutter again. "Damn it, I can't find the arrow!"
"You're not going to be able to hit anything with your mind in a state like that," Gale points out. I turn around and glare at him. "Don't look at me like that. You know I'm right."
Muttering another round of curses under my breath I make my way out from the bushes and back onto the path. Yes I know he's right. Of course he's right. That doesn't mean I have to be gracious or happy about it.
"Come on, honey," says Gale, holding out his hand to me. "Maybe we can find some roots or winter berries to go along with the turkey?"
I hesitate before I take his hand.
"Did you just call me… honey?"
He laughs and pulls me in close, kissing my brow.
"Yes, dear girlfriend. I just called you honey."
"I don't like cute pet names," I scowl.
"Well I like them," answers Gale, rolling his eyes. "I like using an endearment with you because I'm endeared by you. You don't have to call me anything like that, at least not yet, not if you're not comfortable with it but I don't see anything wrong with a guy wanting to call his girlfriend honey."
"It just doesn't feel natural," I object. "We've been Katniss and Gale with each other all these years. Aside from my actual name the only thing you've ever called me is Catnip." With his hand in mine I begin to walk down the path, heading for the nearest unchecked snare. "I like Catnip. It's something you alone call me. It's personal and it has meaning. Honey is just so… generic."
"Okay… for now," he says, kissing the top of my head. "But you know, the common endearments people use aren't bad just because everyone uses them. In fact there is a reason why they are commonly used."
"Maybe but… Catnip still feels more special."
"Fair enough – but what will you call me?"
"I was thinking I would call you Gale."
We continue down the path, the snow creaking underneath our feet with each step we take. The path narrows and we have to walk one in front of the other. Gale leads the way and I follow, shivering in the cold and taking deep breaths through my nose to not let the cold air cool me down further. Each breath I take smells of snow and evergreens and freshness. A few winter birds are fluttering around in the trees, chirping as they go. Somewhere nearby a woodpecker pecks at a tree. There is no wind blowing today, which helps make the temperature endurable. It's the kind of winter's day I normally like.
After a few minutes Gale turns his head and looks at me over his shoulder.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure," I nod, bowing my head to avoid a low tree branch.
"Did your parents never use endearments with each other?"
"Maybe they did," I say evasively.
"I'm asking because I'm trying to figure out how come you have such an aversion to things like holding hands or using pet names. I know it's not about a dislike for affection because you're perfectly fine kissing, hugging and so on."
I worry my fingernail between my teeth while I try to figure out what to say to that. I'm not entirely sure myself so it's hard to explain it to Gale. I wish I could be more comfortable with things like that. I wish I could be just fine rubbing my nose to his in public, kissing when other people are around and even calling each other things like honey or sweetie. The kind of things that so naturally fall out of my classmates' mouths when they talk to their boyfriends and girlfriends. I wish I could be the kind of girlfriend Gale deserves but if I am to be perfectly honest with myself I don't think that will ever be me. Even when I do reach the point where I feel the same way he does and we've been together long enough for it to feel comfortable and familiar. It doesn't seem to be part of my personality to be at ease with things like that. I don't even like seeing my classmates kiss and touch and call each other sweet endearments. I wish they would do those things in private.
"I don't mind holding hands when we're alone," I finally say. "It's the public display of affection that doesn't sit well with me. It just seems… uncouth to showcase your feelings for one another that way. Nobody cares that much, or wants to see another couple make out."
"You'd be surprised," says Gale. "But go on."
"I just don't like those kind of things," I say with a shrug. "You should know that about me already."
"Actually, no," he says good-naturedly. "I've never seen you in a romantic relationship before now."
"Can we talk about something else, please?" I sigh. "Like what we're going to do if we don't find anything in your remaining snares? Putting food in all our bellies is a much more pressing issue than whether or not I feel comfortable calling you schnookums."
Gale laughs heartedly but I fail to see the comedy. These days he can be so distracted at times. Regardless of what happens romantically between us the reality of our lives remain the same – fight to put food on the table and keep everyone warm and safe. The more I think about it the more I begin to feel it's downright asinine to worry about whether or not I want to hold his hand in public and be called pet names. Gale needs to remember his priorities. I'm starting to feel like I'm once more solely carrying the responsibility of providing for everyone, only now the number of people I have to provide for has more than doubled. It exhausts me, saddens me even. I don't want to lose my hunting partner in the process of gaining a romantic partner.
"It's so nice having you over for dinner, Gale," says Mother. She pours water into his glass, filling it up to the brim. She moves on with the pitcher to fill up Prim's glass next but she keeps her eyes on Gale, smiling softly. "We should do this more often. With your mother and brothers and sister next time."
I spear a lonesome pea with my fork and stick it in my mouth, not bothering to pay much attention to her. She says this every time Gale comes over and eats, has been doing so for five years now, but nothing ever comes of it. She never invites the Hawthornes' over. A few years ago she tried making me ask them a couple of times but I refused. If she wants them over it's up to her to make the invite.
"I like it when you're over for dinner, too," says Prim cheerfully. She winks at Gale and grins. "Whenever you eat with us we get to have the fancy things."
The fancy things in this case being a handful of peas our mother has saved somewhere deep down in the freezer. I definitely won't argue the point with Prim, it is great to have something extra to add flavour to the meal, but I oftentimes wish that my sister could talk of fancy things she gets to eat and refer to thick, creamy sauces, baked potatoes, stewed carrots or any of the other kinds of foods they eat in the Capitol but we can only salivate over from our couches as we watch their meals on the television. Our table has been set with fried turkey, oven-cooked potatoes and the bowl of peas. It smells wonderful, the kind of smell that tells you everyone will leave the table feeling full. I shouldn't complain about it being lacking in comparison to what I see them eat in the Capitol, and I'm not. I'm very, very grateful for it. It's just that I wish I could provide my sister with enough food that a meal like this was commonplace, not luxurious.
"I'm honoured that you bring out the specials on my account," says Gale warmly. "I'm glad to be so welcome in your home."
"Of course you're welcome," I say, just barely resisting a scoff. He gives me a look that tells me he's not directing these things at me right now. He's trying to set the stage for our big reveal. I wish it didn't have to be done with fanfare. Isn't it what everyone has been expecting, anyway?
"Yes certainly," says Mother, her voice friendly but slightly distant. She takes a seat next to Prim and reaches for the plate with the potatoes, the last ones we had in the pantry. She has sliced them into four parts, rubbed them in oil and seasoned them with a little rosemary. They smell lovely and taste even better. But it's only the last week of December and I need to score a good kill, soon, so we can buy more potatoes to last us until spring. "You have always been welcome at our table. In our home."
"It almost seems like you and Katniss have been friends forever," says Prim.
Gale looks at me again, this time raising his eyebrows slightly as he smiles encouragingly. I give him a small nod. We discussed this before we left the woods and headed to the Hob – I will be the one to reveal the news to Mother and Prim. Gale was perfectly happy to do it but I insisted that it should be me. For all my qualms and hesitations I am in this relationship and I want to show him that I meant it when I said yes to dating. I want to show him that I'm not ashamed of being with him or uncomfortable about it. Though I am uncomfortable in certain ways it can't be Gale who is the problem – Gale who has been a source of comfort and security for almost as long as I've known him. It's important to me that he doesn't feel unwanted by me. I want him to be happy, to feel good.
I look down and see his hand on the table, ready to pick up his knife and begin the meal once I have spoken out, and I place my hand on top of his. I close my eyes for a brief second, wishing I didn't feel so on edge about this moment, and then I draw a deep breath and force myself to be completely serene. I look at my mother and my sister, deciding to focus my eyes on Prim.
"As it happens…" I begin, stopping to hark my throat when my voice catches. "Actually Gale and I have been… well…"
"You're dating!" gasps Prim, her eyes wide. A grin spreads across her face and I feel myself blush, wishing we could keep this a little more low-key and not make such a big deal out of it at every turn.
"Well, yeah," I say, feeling Gale lay his other hand on top of mine and give it a brief squeeze.
"That's great!" exclaims Prim. There's a touch of hesitation in her voice and that causes me to look up and meet her eyes. Does she not think this is good? I have no time to wonder about it because Gale's arm now lands around my shoulders, giving me a light shake, and he laughs happily.
"Thank you!" he says. "Thank you. It's exciting and we're both so happy and we're hoping you are both excited for us." His eyes go to my mother and he actually seems a touch nervous.
"Mother?" I say.
Her eyes have gotten that vacant look again. She's been sporting it on and off ever since the Victory Tour began but I was hoping this news would bring her out of her own head and back into the real world. Is it too much to ask that my mother is happy for me when I enter a relationship with my oldest friend?
"Of course we are both excited!" says Prim, jumping up from her seat so fast that her chair almost falls over. "This is great news!" She hurries around the table and throws her arms around Gale and he returns the hug enthusiastically. I take my eyes off my distant mother and smile as I watch my sister and my boyfriend embrace. It means a lot to me that they get along so well and that she approves. I could never date someone if my sister disapproved. Prim pulls back from Gale and moves to hug me instead. "We were kind of wondering if something was going to happen between the two of you," she says as her arms wrap around my neck. "Weren't we, Mother?"
"We were," she says, seemingly snapping out of her trance at least a little bit. She smiles mildly, reaching across the table to put her hand on mine in an affectionate gesture. "This is happy news." Her eyes then go to Gale and she seems a bit less mild, a bit more decisive. "Just remember, Katniss is only seventeen yet. There's still one more Reaping ahead. And I don't want my daughter to be a 'nineteen bride'."
"Mother!" protests Prim, still with her arms around my neck.
"I mean it," she says, more sternly now. "I am very happy for you both. I think it is a good match. But although you have been self-sufficient from an early age, Katniss, you're still under-aged and next summer you won't be that much older."
"Mother," groans Prim, letting go of me.
"No it's fine," I assure her, pulling my hand away from my mother's to pat Prim's arm affectionately. I suppose I could be irritated that she suddenly decides to act like a concerned mother but I'm actually touched and happy that she is displaying these worries. It's not often that I feel that my mother cares for my safety and my future. I know that she does, but she so rarely shows it. I look at my mother and smile at her. "You have nothing to worry about. Marriage is not on the table. I haven't changed my mind about that. We're just dating and that is enough for us."
Prim leans in and kisses my cheek, blocking Gale from my view but when she straightens her back and moves to kiss his cheek too I can see that he is looking at me intently.
"You are absolutely right," he tells my mother, still with his eyes on me. "Katniss is still young – we both are. Plus there's the Reaping looming. We're in no rush." He smiles warmly at me and puts his hand on top of mine. That seems to be the go-to gesture of the evening. "As she just said – getting to be together is enough for us."
"That is so romantic," sighs Prim wistfully. She takes her seat again and begins to cut her food. I decide to do the same, pulling my hand away from Gale and grabbing my cutlery. "Your whole story is, really. If Katniss hadn't had an aversion towards parenthood it would have been a great story to tell the grandkids."
"I guess we'll have to tell it to your grandkids instead," I smile, reaching for the bowl with the potatoes. Prim giggles at this suggestion.
"It is a great story," says Gale, smiling at me as he lifts a forkful of food towards his mouth. "They say a strong friendship is the best foundation for a strong relationship."
He, Prim and even my mother to a degree begin a discussion on that subject but I stay mostly quiet, contemplative. While chewing on my food I worry my mind about the implications of some of the things said tonight. Gale knows that we won't have a toasting but how long does he see this relationship going on? It can't last all our lives, can it? If he wants a wife and a family he's going to have to go looking elsewhere for that. Then what happens to me, to us? A tight knot begins to form in my stomach and I lose my appetite, needing to force myself to swallow bite after bite.
"Actually I must say I'm a little surprised," says Prim, reaching for the bowl of peas. "I was beginning to wonder if maybe you'd start going out with Peeta Mellark."
I freeze, fork in my mouth. I stare at my sister with wide eyes, wondering what possessed her to say something like that at a moment like this. Slowly I pull the fork out, swallowing the bite without chewing, and I reach for my glass to help the food go down.
"Excuse me?" says Gale, his eyes going back and forth between me and Prim. "Am I missing something here?"
"No," I say firmly, giving my sister a pointed look. I take another sip of water and put the glass back down a touch too hard, creating a banging sound against the wooden table. "You're not missing anything. Other than Prim's mind being fixated on boys these days."
"I'm just saying," shrugs Prim and shuffles the peas on her plate as if she hasn't got a care in the world. "You two seemed to really get along when he was here working on your project. I thought that if nothing was to happen between you and Gale then maybe you would end up going on a date with him."
"Well that didn't happen, now did it?"
Gale looks at me intently but he doesn't seem angry or disapproving. Merely puzzled. Then he leans in and kisses me on the cheek.
"I get how you might think along those lines, Prim," he says, keeping his eyes on me. "Lucky for me, I was Katniss' choice."
The conversation returns to safer territories and Gale seems completely at ease but I can't help giving my sister irritated looks throughout the meal. Once every last bit of food has been devoured Mother invites Gale to come sit with us by the fireplace and, in half an hour or so, have some tea. He gladly accepts and offers to go start the fire while the table is cleared. I think he wants me to join him but I announce that I will be helping out in the kitchen. Gale gives me a kiss, the first time anyone has kissed me in front of my mother and sister, and then leaves the room. Mother is suddenly acting nervous, as if I had brought home some suitor she's never met before and wants to impress, and begins to fret over which teacups she should use to serve the tea in. We only have two sets, one that was my father's through inheritance and one that my parents bought together for their tenth anniversary. Both are nice, though the newer one is obviously in better shape so I suggest we go with that one.
"Primrose," I say through gritted teeth as she and I begin to do the dishes. She scrubs, I dry. Our mother brings dirty dishes from the table to the sink and puts clean, dry dishes away in the cabinets.
"Yes?" says my sister sweetly.
"Why, in God's name, would you bring up Peeta Mellark during dinner with Gale? And in a context like that?"
"It was just an observation," she says, shrugging her shoulders. "I did wonder if you would go out with him."
"And you felt Gale needed to know that?"
"He didn't seem upset," she says with another shrug. Her brow furrows as she works on scrubbing something that's gotten stuck in the cast iron pot. "And it doesn't matter anyway. I thought I saw something between Peeta and you but obviously I was wrong and you're in love with Gale. Which, by the way, I think is great!"
I open my mouth to protest the notion that I'm in love with Gale but slowly I close my mouth again. So what if I don't know if it's actually true yet? It will be at some point, I'm sure. Isn't that one of the points of dating – for feelings to get a chance to turn stronger? I take the now clean pot as she hands it to me and begin to dry it off with a worn towel.
"I just don't think it was an appropriate thing to say. I don't want Gale to get the wrong impression."
"Gale trusts you, don't you think?" says Prim, raising her eyebrow at me. "Relax, big sis…" She gives me a playful nudge with her elbow. "You and Gale are going to be so happy together and I'm really excited to see it. You deserve happiness and frankly you deserve to have someone look after you for a change."
My mouth drops a little and I look at her with eyes wide, trying to find something to say in response to that. But she changes the subject and cheerfully begins to praise the dinner we just had and then asks our mother some medical questions and I give up on pulling on that thread for now, though the implication stays with me in the back of my mind.
It's pitch dark outside and freezing cold when I open the door and Gale steps outside. I follow him out, closing the door behind me to keep the cold from getting in and to allow us a moment alone. I'm not wearing any outerwear and I step into Gale's arms, seeking warmth from his body. My cheek rests against his chest and his arms wrap around me. I feel at peace, though there's still a trace of that uncomfortable knot in the pit of my stomach. I'm not sure why it's there and I don't want to think about it now.
"I'm so glad we finally did this," says Gale.
"Me too."
"It just feels so right, you know? Like we were already part of each other's family and now it was taken to the next level." He sighs contently. "Everything feels right about this."
"Like it's the way it was always meant to be," I muse.
His lips press a kiss to the top of my head.
"Katniss… I'm so crazy about you…" His voice sounds different, soft and emotional and loving in a way he's never spoken to me. It irritates me a little to hear it, mostly because I know I'm not in a place where I can reciprocate.
"You mean so much to me," I say instead. It's an absolute truth but it doesn't necessarily have romantic implications. At least not to the degree he's talking about.
"You have no idea how happy I am about all of this," he says, chortling softly against my hair.
"I'm glad you're happy," I respond. "I'm glad I can make you happy."
"Oh Katniss," he chortles. "You can make me happier than anyone else."
I'm shivering from the cold so I pull back and meet his lips for a kiss. He takes his time exploring my mouth and I stroke his tongue carefully with mine, still trying to grasp exactly how this is all supposed to work. He seems very pleased with my efforts so I guess I'm doing it right. But by now I'm so cold I'm about to start clattering my teeth so I end the kiss and pull back, wrapping my arms around myself and nodding at the door.
"Better go inside before I turn into an icicle."
"You do that," he laughs. "Thank you for tonight, Katniss. It was truly great."
He grins widely and waves at me as he hurries down to the street and begins his walk home. I hurry back inside to the relative warmth, blinking slightly in the brightness indoors. The electricity has been working every night for two weeks now. It usually does around Victory Tour times. Luckily the fences have been the exception.
I rub my hands together to generate some warmth and I hurry to the sitting room to wrap myself in a blanket. Mother sits in an armchair with one of her few medical books open on her lap, though I'm sure she knows those books by heart after all these years. She doesn't look up when I enter the room. Prim is on the couch with Buttercup purring on her lap. She smiles and gives me a knowing look. I smile back and sit down, grabbing the blanket from the back of the couch.
"It's freezing out there," I shiver, wrapping the blanket around me.
"Yet you stayed out for a while saying goodnight," remarks Prim with an eyebrow raised suggestively.
"Prim…"
"Oh come on, can't a baby sister tease just a little?" She scratches Buttercup behind his ear and the cat looks positively ecstatic.
"We don't need to make a big deal out of it," I say. "Gale and I are still the same people. We're just…"
"In love? Kissing now? Future legal family members?" She frowns and tilts her head, studying me with sudden seriousness. "Is everything alright? You look preoccupied."
"Everything's fine," I say, slowly starting to warm up underneath the blanket. "I'm just… thinking of something Gale said right before he left."
Prim giggles and turns her attention to Buttercup instead of me. I bet she's thinking he said something romantic, and I guess that's what he did, but what I'm stuck on are his parting words, thanking me for tonight. It reminds me strongly of how Peeta always thanks me for the day when we're done with our project for the week.
I sigh and tilt my head backwards, closing my eyes. It's a good thing Gale didn't seem bothered when Peeta was brought up because my project partner seems to have gotten a lot of attention tonight when he oughtn't to have been lent so much as a single thought. How exactly did the boy with the bread become a part of my life to such an extent?
I really suck at chemistry, never have been able to wrap my mind around it, which is why I chose that as the subject Peeta is having trouble with. Poor guy gets to inherit my idiocies... ;)
I have talked about this in a few comments, PMs and the like but I felt I should mention it here as well, where everyone can see it. I know Katniss and Gale are fighting a lot, and it is in part intended as a sign that they're not relationship compatibe but it's also about something else. It's not uncommon for two people who have had one kind of relationship for a long time and then find themselves in a different relationship to have an adjustment period that might include a lot of arguing. All of a sudden they have new roles and the relationship has new "rules", paramaters, etc. Sometimes this isn't a problem at all and can actually give the relationship a boost but it can also cause problems at first, which doesn't mean the relationship won't work out and eventually be great (although let's face it, Galeniss are doomed to fail here). Either way I decided I wanted to include this in the story as part of the obstacles Katniss and Gale face in going from close friends and hunting partners to boyfriend and girlfriend. Katniss is having a hard time suddenly being a girlfriend and wrapping her mind around the ways in which her relationship to Gale is suddenly different and I think Gale might be struggling sometimes as well, trying to find his new role as boyfriend. The result is a lot of bickering and fighting, but it will diminish after a while.
Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts =)