Monday February 27th 2017 – State 4
"But grief is a walk alone. Others can be there and listen. But you will walk alone down your own path, at your own pace, with your sheared-off pain, your raw wounds, your denial, anger and bitter loss. You'll come to your own peace, hopefully…but it will be on your own, in your own time."
- Cathy Lamb
The sound is calming, constant, a powerful rush of white noise that fills my ears with each new crash of the ocean's waves, leaving me peaceful and content. If I close my eyes, I imagine other sounds joining the noise of the water being drawn in and out from the beach. I hear the slap of a volleyball against bare skin, laughter from rowdy college kids, gentle whispers of conversation had privately with only the ocean as an audience, beer bottles clanking, kisses being stolen. The faint traces of the memories swirl in and out with the ocean's waves until I open my eyes and they gently fade into the background, back into some corner of my brain.
The ocean is bright today. The sun is out in the cloudless sky and creates stunning shimmers of light against the rippling water, in some places looking almost like glass. It's the same colour blue I have in my memories; a rich, opulent, bright colour, mixed with a bit of white from the crests of the swells. From this point of the beach the waves are a bit choppy, the whites more pronounced as they rise and crash unevenly, often a little too low for surfing. The waves break against the rocks hidden underneath the ocean's surface, the ocean's best kept secret. The topography of this portion of the beach is why it's always deserted. Of course, I knew that when I came here today.
I shift on the pile of rocks I'm perched on, the sharp corners digging slightly into the flesh of my legs. Perhaps I've been here too long, I think, as I notice the red indentations on the sides of my calves. However, I make no move to leave and regardless of the uneven surface I'm not entirely uncomfortable.
Despite the tranquillity of the ocean, I won't pretend that today the beach isn't a graveyard, another well-kept secret of the ocean. It holds no gravestones, no marks of the dead, no indications to tell the public of the sombre day. However somewhere out there, in the unexplored depths of the water, lays the ashes of those passed. It calms me to think of them floating around with the push and pull of the tides, free to travel wherever the current takes them, rather than trapped in a box in the ground. Freedom is the only redeeming thing about death, the only thing that makes me not fear it.
Five hours I've been here. I tell myself that I know many a person who's sat in a cemetery longer, keeping the gravestone of a loved one company, creating an illusion of intimacy imagined by the living. This is my gravestone. I could say I am keeping it company however the excuse is wearing thin five hours on, when my hours of mourning and one sided conversations have already faded with the wind. No, I am waiting for someone very much alive, someone who made no promises of being here today. Still, I have a hunch that they might have the same idea as me and find their way to this rock laden end of the beach. Or perhaps it's simply wishful thinking.
It's been a year, three hundred and sixty five days, since Finnick perished in the car accident. I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt, that I don't often wish my best friend was still with me, however the days have gotten easier and less tiresome. The guilt over the accident has lessened and his dead body no longer taunts me in my dreams. Despite no longer walking among the living, he exists in our photographs, in the stories we fondly retell, and most importantly in his son. Finnick Junior, or Nick as we nicknamed him, is a joyous little baby with his father's sea green eyes, who I imagine will grow up to take after Finnick. I've met him only a handful of times however his picture sits proudly in my living room, framed in black and silver. The birth of Nick has lessened the toll Finnick's death has taken on all our lives and has brought back a slice of happiness we've been missing.
It has been a long year, perhaps one of the longest of my entire life. My abrupt exit from the Capitol had surprised everyone, including me. Madge had been the last thing holding me there and with that tie broken I had needed to leave the suffocating city. My choice of destination was another surprise: my hometown of State 5. I did this for a few reasons. Despite my rather morbid childhood memories, it was still my home, where I had grown up and I felt a connection to it. Secondly, with my mother's release from prison I figured the best tactic was to hide in plain sight, so I moved to the last place she would expect.
The first few weeks in State 5 had been trying and lonely. Despite being back in my hometown, the years had brought changes to the streets as well as the people, so much, that it had felt, at first, just as foreign as the Capitol. The first night, sitting in the darkened room of my rental house, I had the realization of what it felt like to be truly alone. It had taken a while to understand that being alone wasn't the same as being lonely. Being alone, I learnt more about myself. I rediscovered those little things that I'd lost. I started cooking and baking again, and with new creative recipes constantly popping into my head I visited the supermarket so much I became on a first name basis with the cashier. Artwork came easier as well, which I did on the side of the illustrations for the books I was still contracted to, my favourite pieces being displayed throughout the house. I even ended up painting a mural for the local school after a chance run in at the local bakery (the one that wasn't owned by my family).
I enjoyed the simplicity of life in State 5. Walking along the streets, it didn't feel as if I'd be run over by a car or barrelled into by impatient pedestrians. There were no grand openings to attend in designer suits and slippery dress shoes. I didn't always feel like I was in a rush, flitting from one engagement to the next. I enjoyed the quiet time at the end of the work day, where I'd make dinner and watch a movie. Being alone, as it turned out, became therapeutic. Anger, guilt, sadness, frustration, heartbreak…all those emotions I'd struggled so badly to contain, began to melt away and fade into the past, like a bad memory. I finally allowed myself to grieve. I grieved the loss of Katniss, the loss of Finnick and the loss of Madge. And with that, I finally found my peace. I harnessed my acceptance, and the storm that had been raging inside me, ever since college, ceased. I felt a feeling utterly foreign to me: I felt complete.
I close my eyes and draw in a big salty breath of the air, bringing myself back to the scenery of State 4. I should go, I think, it's been long enough. No one else is coming to the beach today. Before I clamber down from the bed of rocks, I conjure Finnick's face in my mind one final time. I see the smile that would spread across his face and sparkle in his eyes and remember the way he'd shamelessly flirt with anything that walked. I recall his crappy jokes and lude – yet still sort of charming – comments. I remember the summer days we'd spend together surfing from sunrise to sunset. He'd been a brother to me, sometimes even better than my own. He'd guided me through the low points in my life, not always with the best advice I'd admit, but he'd always been there.
I often wonder what he would say if he had been here to see the last year play out. Would he have seen it all coming? Would it have been different if he had lived? At first I thought that it might have been but now I think that even if it had played out a little differently, it would've ended in the same way. Finnick couldn't magically fix everything.
"See you later buddy." I mutter out loud, as if he might actually answer.
"Hey there stranger."
I might've jumped out of my skin and questioned my sanity, if the voice hadn't been distinctly female. Turning my head, I spy the small figure that uttered the words and I realize my hunch was right.
She looks the same as she does in my memories, which is different to how she looked in the Capitol. Her hair is braided messily, lying down the side of her shoulder, small tendrils of hair pulled loose from the wind. Her small frame is covered in a baggy jumper over denim shorts. She looks like herself.
She walks slowly toward me, her feet creating footprints in the soft sand.
"I thought you might come here today." I say.
She looks quietly amused, crossing her arms and gazing up at me from the sand. "Am I that predictable?"
"No, I just know you."
I stick out a hand and she takes it. I pull her up the stack of rocks. "How long have you been here?"
"Five hours."
She snorts, looking at me with a small disbelieving smile. It fades however as she turns from me and looks out at the water. We sit in silence as we watch the waves roll in and out.
"I didn't think you'd be here actually." She says.
"Why?"
She purses her lips, not looking at me. She's not willing to give me the answer. Fair enough, I think. Eventually she just shrugs. "I don't know."
She looks back out at the water. I stay quiet, letting her have her time for Finnick. It's comfortable, the quietness between us, as we both look out at the waves. Her presence is refreshing. I haven't heard much about her since I left, though in the quiet times in State 5 I'd find myself wondering about her. I wondered whether she still worked at United and whether she had a young new lawyer she was now partnered with instead of Leevy. I wondered whether she still got her coffee from Bristel's coffee shop. I wondered whether she was still with Darius. Most of all, however, I wondered whether she was still searching for her own happiness like I had been, or whether she had already found it.
The last time I'd seen her had been when Nick was born, a few months after my abrupt exit from the Capitol. I'd seen her and Darius at Annie's house, though I had to make the roundtrip to the Capitol in two days, meaning my visit had been short. Our encounter had been friendly, yet distant. We didn't know where we stood in each other's lives anymore. Or if there was even a place to stand at all. Despite all that, she'd looked happy, and I'd been happy to see her happy. That was five months ago.
Time has done us both justice, I think. We've both had our time to grow as individuals, to find the parts of ourselves that we have lost. We've had our time to move on and accept the horrors of our past. I know now, that everything she did, everything I did, was necessary in the healing process. I understand now what she meant when she said she didn't regret leaving because, honestly, I don't regret leaving either. There are some walks that you need to take alone and this was one of them.
"Why were you waiting for me?" She finally asks, breaking the silence. I glance sideways at her, noting the hint of cautiousness in her grey eyes.
"I wanted to see you."
We've always been complicated and messy, an odd mix of pain and pleasure. No one has ever stirred more emotions in me than Katniss Everdeen has. I've watched my emotions spin out of control, dance the thin line between love and hate, reach ends of spectrums I didn't even know existed, when it's come to her. The thing is though, despite everything, I somehow always find my way back to her.
The truth is, I miss her. It's taken me a while to realize it, to move on enough to allow myself to feel it, but in the end it's there. I miss our friendship; the way we could entrust anything to each other. I miss her sarcasm and tenacity. I miss her courage and loyalty. Something about her got under my skin the first time we met and it's never quite gone away. Perhaps it's stupid and maybe it'll wreck me in the end, I don't know, but it's true.
"Why?"
A million reasons. I don't even know where to start but before long words are tumbling from my mouth. "Because sometimes I think about you. I think about when we first met and yeah, at first I kind of thought you were a sarcastic bitch until I discovered the real you underneath all of that. It could have been a perfect story, you know? But we never really stood a chance with everything else going on." I'm not looking at her as I speak, but I feel her eyes on me, creating a prickling sensation on my skin. "And then you came to the Capitol but both of us were still filled with so much anger and hurt. It opened up old wounds and feelings I'd been trying so hard to deflect. I didn't know what to feel. Finally, near the end there… sure, it was awkward, but we were getting somewhere weren't we? I thought we were. I wanted to be." I take a peek at her face but she's not giving much away. I sigh. "Only it still wasn't right and then it was my turn to leave. But now that everything is quiet I realized…I miss you, Katniss."
She is quiet through all my musings. I look at her once I finish speaking. Her expression is a mix of things that I'm out of practice at reading. I wait for her to respond, wondering what she will come up with. I wouldn't blame her if she told me I'm being stupid and there's no room for each other in our lives anymore. I could see where she would be coming from. Regardless of how much time has passed, sometimes things are just too hard.
She ends up surprising me because she says none of that. Instead she takes a deep breath, a short beat of laughter falling from her lips. "What have we been doing, Peeta?" She asks, shaking her head with a rueful smile on her face.
Neither of us have the answer.
"I miss you too." She tells me quietly. "Ever since I walked out really." A while ago, that comment would've filled me with anger but I forgave her a long time ago and now I simply acknowledge it. Healing, I've come to realize, doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives. And now finally, I don't let either Finnick's death or what happened in college guide my decisions.
She surprises me further with her next comment. "I'm sorry about you and Madge, you know."
I sigh as I think of Madge. Part of me is sad by the failure of our relationship as well but in the end we made the right decision. "It wasn't meant to be."
"Can I ask you something?" She asks hesitantly. I'm not quite used to this quiet and hesitant version of Katniss but I can't say I'm surprised by her wariness. I'd like to call us old friends but by this point we sit somewhere between acquaintances and strangers.
She bites her lip when I nod my head. "I was talking to…" She shakes her head, biting off her words. I wait patiently, silently urging her to go on. "Were you happy in the Capitol?"
Her bluntness surprises me but I consider the question. It is a loaded one. I've asked myself the same thing over and over since I left. The problem is, I never really could find the answer. I thought I was happy, yet…
"I'm happier now." I finally tell her truthfully.
She nods her head slowly, deep in thought, as if I'd just confirmed something in her mind.
"Why?" I ask.
Her eyes focus on me again. "I was just wondering."
I accept her answer, after all, I'm wondering about a lot of things too. I might not ever know the finer nuances to her life, but I need to have just one answer from her. I nudge her arm gently and she meets my gaze again. I'd forgotten what her eyes were like. Such a unique colour; a steely light grey with flecks of blue. I'd never seen it on anyone else. I hold her gaze as I ask my question.
"Are you happy Katniss?"
She thinks for a moment, and this time her gaze doesn't flicker away from mine. She's quiet for a while and I get the feeling she's searching for something. Finally, a genuine smile spreads on her lips. "Yeah," she whispers, "I am."
If this was to be my last moment with Katniss, despite the million other things I'm wondering, I would be okay with that. Because in the end, we finally both came out of this happy and that's all I can really ask for.
"We've come a long way, huh?"
She smiles at me softly, hugging her knees to her chest. She looks younger in this moment, as the sun bounces off her tanned skin, and for a moment it could've been like four years didn't separate us.
"I'm leaving tomorrow." She says it in a matter of fact way but somewhere in there there's a question too.
"Me too."
"It's just going to go back to the same isn't it?" She asks. "Tomorrow we'll go back to other sides of the country…"
"Did you ever think that this time, maybe we both don't have to disappear?"
She's right, in that we could easily go on our own ways again. We were adept at leaving by now. And we'd probably happen upon on each other in another year at someone's birthday party or wedding. It would settle into a rhythm where we'd keep coming back to one another but at the same time have nothing to do with each other. Like I said, if I had no other choice, I would be okay with that, because at least we would both be happy. But I think of the other thousand questions that float through my mind, all my curiosities about her. I think about our old rapport and the smile she used to bring to my face so easily. What if it is possible to be more than just happy? I don't know if it's wishful thinking, idiocy or the actual truth but something in here feels salvageable, and more importantly, I want to salvage it.
My words leave us both quiet and contemplative. The ocean continues to crash and fall in front of us, an everlasting presence to keep us both company. Shards of sunlight streak across the rippling waters. My fingers twitch with the reflexive urge to paint my surroundings. I let my gaze sweep across the scene, committing all the colours and shapes to memory. It would make a perfect picture.
Finally we break the silence, each with a hopeful smile.
"Do you want to get a coffee? You know, catch up?"
"Absolutely."
000
A/N: We've reached the end :)
I've really put you all through the wringer with this story, haven't I?
First of all, a huge thank you to all of you readers, it's been a bit of a rough journey but I hope you enjoyed it. Did I think when I first started writing this story it would be so depressing and anxiety provoking? Nope. Did I think it would take me three years to get through it? Nope. But if you've stuck around that long, thank you. Am I excited to finally press that 'complete' button? YES.
Watch out for the epilogue, it's called 10 Years. I'll stick a note up here when it's uploaded. I also have some new stories coming along, I'll talk about them more when I post the epilogue.
On a side note, can someone please explain to me how betas on here work? Perhaps someone that uses a beta or is a beta themselves? If you could send me a PM that would be fantastic. I'm considering using one for future work but I have no clue what the process is. Cheers.