If I Lose Myself
by EMPG22HoPe

Chapter Nine: Astoria

December 1996

The harsh, cold winds blew against her face as she made her way towards Hogsmeade with Luna. Astoria was quiet for the most part as she listened to her friend talk about the latest sighting on the Crumple Horned-Snorkack. Usually, she'd be interested in all of this odd, but formidably interesting knowledge – but she didn't have the heart to get into it. In fact, she hadn't been quite herself for a number of weeks now.

Astoria was used to being ignored. She was used to being pushed to the side for her being a blood traitor and a Slytherin. Hardly any of her classmates that came from her house spoke to her, and other people outside Slytherin were either too scared or too judgmental about her being in the "evilest house in Hogwarts". It wasn't something she had hoped for since she started going to school here, but she had learned to become content with what she had. And what she had was her sister, oddly enough; Blaise, and Luna. And only weeks ago, she – in her own little way – had hoped that Draco would be added to that small, but meaningful list.

Oh, how wrong she was about that.

She and Draco went on with their tutoring sessions for the next week as planned after the "date" that they had down by the Black Lake. Everything seemed perfectly normal – he was still a pompous ass, he still tried to shimmy his way into writing his essays for him and he was just the same man that she's learned to somehow appreciate despite herself.

But then came the next week after that, and he looked at her like he'd rather die than to be anywhere near her. Astoria had assumed that he was just having a bad day and that they'd proceed with the usual tutoring. Yet one o'clock, two o'clock, and three o'clock into the afternoon of their scheduled sessions… he never came.

At first, she let it slide for that day – she'd question him at dinner or in the common room later on. But he never came to dinner, and she waited for what felt like an entire day in the common room and he hardly showed up. So she decided to shrug it off, hoping, really, that it might have been just a bad day for him.

Then Tuesday came, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday… He never came. It felt like being burned at the stake; like every part of her was being ripped off by piece. It occurred to her that maybe he was just having a bad week. Astoria gave him his space and resisted the urge to catch up to him in the hallways. But a week turned to weeks, and that's when she had enough. And really, as much as she respected his need to be alone – it was completely unacceptable for him to simply skip the tutoring that she'd been assigned to do.

How selfish could he be? Has it ever occurred to him that his grades aren't the only ones on the line, but hers as well? Honestly, the nerve of the man was as baffling as the first time she had a full conversation with him.

So Astoria resorted to slightly medieval methods. She tried to catch up to him in the halls, call his name over at the dinner table, and bombard him with questions whenever he enters the common room. It went on like that for days and he either, for most of the part, ignored her or told her to "Just scamper off, you filthy blood traitor".

And despite her discrepancy with Daphne over the horrendous letter she's sent to Luna, she was surprised to find her sister cornering Draco just as much as she did. While she never told her sister anything about Draco's odd behavior, she told Blaise – and naturally, he couldn't help but tell her sister. And just when the ridiculousness of the matter seemed to rise, Blaise told her to just drop it.

And so she did, but she never quite got over it.

Hogsmeade was always so beautiful in December. Everything was dotted in powdery snow, and carols played as people went about their Christmas shopping. It has always been Astoria's favorite holiday, with all the gifts and sweets she received from her family and what little friends she had as well as the Christmas spirit that came with it. But somehow, she had a feeling this holiday wouldn't be as festive as she or many other people had hoped.

"Astoria, have you drifted off again?" Luna asked her as they walked their way towards Honeydukes. "You're thinking about him, aren't you?"

"Me? Thinking about him?" Astoria gushed disgustedly as she pushed the door of the shop; a bell tinkled as they entered. "Luna, you're a wonderful friend – but you have got to stop assuming that I would even give him any thought. I'm past the point of worrying."

"Exactly. You're past it now." Luna nodded at her as she took two baskets, handed one over to her, and went up to look at the blood-flavored lollipops. "But perhaps it's for the best. I don't particularly like him and even more now that he's done something so awful as to ignore you out of nowhere. I know you like him, Tori, but…"

"I know." Astoria shook her head at this before she ran her fingers along an aisle of Sugared Butterfly Wings and added two tins of them into her basket. "I just thought that… after the ride on him broom that he'd be a little more... open." Dreadfully naïve for her to think it, but it was how she felt. "He was good during the next week but after that he just dropped out of the face of the earth."

"I don't think it's your fault." Luna said brightly as she put an armful of Fizzing Whizzbees into her own baskets. "If anything, it's his problem. Maybe he really is going through some things that he's decided to shut off the world for a little while."

"How can he possibly shut off the world if he still talks to Blaise and Pansy?" Astoria said accusingly as she, too, took a handful of sweets – but were of Chocolate Cauldrons and Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. "It's so obvious, Luna. I've done something wrong and I don't particularly even remember what it might have been."

"Have you tried talking to him again? You know, since the last time that you did?" Her friend asked before finally turning around to look at her. "Surely he's said at least a single word to you."

"Oh, certainly," Astoria said sarcastically before her face fell, tears nearly welling her eyes. "He said "Shove off, little Greengrass" about twenty times. Two for each time I try to corner him anywhere remotely quiet. I've let it go since then, but it still bothers me."

Luna put a hand on Astoria's shoulder and squeezed it. "Perhaps it's best to just leave Draco Malfoy in the past. After all, we must move forward with constant vigilance. There are more important things, Tori. What, with He Who Must Not Be Named now officially lurking about – I think it's just wise to stir our priorities on more pressing matters. Like Christmas gifts at current, or trying to find ways to defeat the Dark Lord!"

At this, Astoria found herself giggling as she wiped the first set of tears that slid down her cheeks. "You're right! Goodness, how time flies, really. It's Christmas, for Merlin's sake."

Luna beamed at her and began leading her to the register. "I think I know what would cheer you up. Just this morning, I got a letter from my dad about trying to find your aunt's address. He told me he got a lead with someone in Ireland."

"Ireland?" Astoria nearly yelled in surprise. Merlin, she'd forgotten all about Aunt Cressida. In fact, she was surprised to find that she hadn't been on about her uncommon illness even if she did have a few fevers here and there for weeks now. How could she have distracted herself from the more important things by focusing on Draco? She felt horrible. "That's not very far. Do you think it'd be wise to visit her? As a surprise, you know. Do you think she'd still want me around?"

"Of course she does, Tori." Luna said as she started to pay for her sweets. "While I personally haven't met your aunt, from what you've been telling me I think she sounds like a very nice person. You did say she showed some great resistance in being away from you and Daphne."

"She did." Astoria pursed her lips after, though she still doubted the idea of surprising her aunt Cress out of nowhere. Heaven forbid her mother would even let her out of her sight once the holidays come around, hence not a lot of airway to get to Ireland before the next semester starts. "Oh, I just miss her so much. She's the only aunt I ever liked. All of my other aunts in dad's side of the family dotted on Daphne, but they never quite understood me."

"Well, if dad gets an address. I'll let you know at once." Luna nodded dreamily before staring at her. Her friend's silvery grey eyes lingered for a while before they seemed to brighten. "Don't worry, Tori. You needn't worry these days. It's Christmas, remember?"

Astoria nodded at this, thankful for her friend's optimism – but certainly ungrateful for her own demise of delving in too deep into things that shouldn't.

"I'm still not talking to you." said Astoria between chews of cereal as she looked through the Daily Prophet, though she hardly understood a word that she read.

Breakfast in the Great Hall was, for the most part, the most peaceful part of her day. Well, for the most part – till' Daphne decided to slide right in next to her. Ever since her argument with her sister about the letter, which was an outburst of foul words and jinxes and hexes, her sister was none the wiser to avoid Astoria just as well. Though at times her sister attempted to catch up with her, Astoria simply ignored her. Daphne needed to learn her lesson. And what better lesson, really, than to simply give her sister the silent treatment. One, Astoria had discovered one too many summers ago, of the only things that would crack the pride of one Daphne Greengrass.

"Oh, come on, Tori. I said I was sorry about a billion times now!" Daphne complained beside her before shoving spoonful's of cereal into her mouth. "I really am sorry! A billion and one, there! Look, it was mum's idea. She made me write the letters. Oh, for Merlin's sake! What do I have to do to earn your forgiveness?"

"Nothing. Do absolutely nothing, Daphne." Astoria said rather coldly as she lifted the Daily Prophet a little higher to hide herself away from her sister. "And no, my implication doesn't have a double meaning of any sort. When I say nothing, I do mean nothing."

"I punched his stupid face for you, you know." said Daphne rather confidently.

At this, Astoria put down her newspaper and stared at her sister in horror. "Punched whose stupid face?"

Daphne shrugged nonchalantly. "Draco Malfoy's stupid face, that's what."

"Have you seriously gone mad this time?" Astoria asked miserably. "And why on earth would you even punch him in the first place for me?"

Daphne rolled her eyes before putting her spoon down with a loud clank. "Honestly, you think I'm some daft bimbo not knowing what my sister's going through? I've been hearing you cry in your dormitory for days. Well, not really hear – more like I've gotten the info from Hestia Carrow, your room mate."

Astoria stiffened at this. It's true; she had been crying. But she did it so discreetly and mostly into the middle of the night that it surprised her that Hestia even heard her ugly sobbing in the first place.

"I wanted to talk to you when I found out, but you ignored me like the plague." Daphne said desperately as her shoulders slacked. "But yeah, Blaise told me. He said that Draco's been missing your tutoring sessions and when I confronted the twitchy little ferret about it, he damn nearly said the most uncivil thing about you. Well, you know what followed. I couldn't help it. Smacked the daylights out of him, that one. There was blood everywhere."

"Are you sure you smacked him in the face and not murdered him?" Astoria asked alarmingly, feeling just a bit of forgiveness for Daphne at this sudden news. "When in Merlin's pants did this happen?"

"Just last night, actually." Daphne beamed proudly, and she quirked her brow up teasingly. "Though Pansy did try to keep him away from me, nasty little witch she was always wanting Malfoy to herself. But one time I shoved the purple side of a Puking Pastille up her mouth and she went straight off to the hospital wing. I had Draco completely bodyguard-less and demanded what he'd bloody done to make you cry so hard. I wouldn't tell you what he said, but my fist was right up his nose before he could say Nox."

Astoria stared at her sister with her mouth agape from all this new information. And she didn't quite know if she was giving off a look of complete repugnance or a look of absolute pride. Mostly, it felt a lot like the latter. Daphne had always been so lady-like, so refined and just about the perfect epitome of a pure-blood lady. The fact that her sister practically smashed Draco Malfoy's face for her made her feel a little better, despite her regret on the matter. She shouldn't even be feeling any remorse for Draco, not after what he'd done to her. Overall, it was a revelation to be marveled about.

Daphne seemed to have taken this as a sign of forgiveness and decided to lean in and whisper, "I think he's still bleeding till' now."

At that last sentence alone, Astoria laughed for the first time in weeks. Daphne winked at her before joining her laughter. Though her sister's actions regarding the letter to Luna were quite formidably unforgivable, she couldn't possible hate her for so long. She's been her best friend since she was so little, and she could hardly imagine a life without her sister's care and sense of humor. Her sister brightened her life in the darkest of days.

"You really shouldn't have done that, Daphne." Astoria tried to tell her seriously. "You could have been dreadfully expelled, and what would mum and dad thing?"

"Who cares about being expelled when you have the power to smack Malfoy's face now that he hasn't got his daddy to run his mouth off to." Daphne grinned proudly before frowning. "Nobody hurts my sister. I'll have their head on a pike and shove it up the Dementors' asses for good measure."

"You're absolutely vile, Daphne Greengrass. But don't ever do that again. I hate to see you get expelled" Astoria shook her head as she calmed down. Her green eyes drifted towards her sister's similar ones tenderly before she took her sister's hand in hers. "Thank you, though. And I'm sorry."

"Oh, come on." Daphne said, exasperated as she rolled her eyes playfully. "I swear, if I hear the words, I'm sorry I ignored you for weeks and treated you like utter trash when I really should have been treating you like a queen come out of your mouth, I'll have your head on a pike and shove it up—"

"Alright, alright!" Astoria said, giggling and holding up her hands in surrender. "I won't. But seriously, though. Don't try to punch anyone else who tries to hurt me, please? I don't want you hexing an entire batch of students into next Tuesday."

"Oh, please. I've seen her do it once." Blaise's voice suddenly said behind them.

Astoria turned to find Blaise standing right there with a cauldron cake in hand, Pansy Parkinson mulling right next to him.

"She could hardly hex one student, honestly." Pansy continued with a roll of her eyes as she sat next to Daphne, Blaise following suit by sitting next to Astoria.

"I was only picking fun that time." Daphne said accusingly. "Plus, you made me!"

Pansy snorted as she took two toasts from the floating tray and slathered it with some jam. "Memo to me to never let you hex one of those bloody first years, then. Guess I'll just have Millicent do that job for me."

"That's awful." Astoria remarked with a frown.

The pug-faced witch wrinkled her nose. "Dreadful, but it's certainly worth the entertainment."

"Anyway," Blaise interrupted before proceeding to shove a mouthful of sausages onto his mouth. "Draco looks like hell today."

"Whatever do you mean?" Daphne asked innocently, looking sideways unknowingly, and Astoria couldn't help but smirk at this.

"By hell, he means he looks like he had his ass served to him last night on a silver platter." Pansy frowned as she spoke. "He wouldn't tell us who did it. In fact, he hardly tells us anything these past few days. I'm getting worried he's in too deep over something, though I can't imagine it's got something to do with his father. He hated him."

That wasn't exactly true, thought Astoria. She remembered Draco telling her how his father had taught him how to fly a broom. They've practically bonded over it. But perhaps things have changed since then? After all, the older one gets, the more difficult it was to tolerate any of your parents' nonsense.

"Nah, he didn't." said Blaise fleetingly with a wave of his hand, trying very hard to chomp on his sausages and speaking at the same time. "I doubt it's about his dad. You've heard him on the first day back to Hogwarts, Pans. He's still as arrogant as ever, dad in Azkaban or not."

"Yes, but that's changed for the past three months now, Blaise." Pansy hissed heatedly, slamming the last bit of her toast on an empty plate. "There's something terribly wrong with him. And I'm really worried."

Astoria resisted the urge to say something about Pansy ever showing any concern for anyone other than herself. She really shouldn't be the judge of other people's relationships. All she knew about Draco and Pansy's relationship was that they went to the Yule Ball together during the Triwizard Tourtnament and something might have started from there. Everyone else seemed to think they were quite the golden couple of Slytherin. Yet, so much has changed since the news of the Dark Lord's return. She wondered whether any of that had affected them.

"I'm sure he'll be fine." Daphne drawled on lazily, pushing away her unfinished bowl of cereal. "He's a Malfoy, after all. They've got to keep it together, don't they? Otherwise everyone else will think they're weak behind all that arrogant façade."

"Seriously, why are we still even talking about him? He'll be fine." Blaise groaned incoherently, finally swallowing the sausages he'd been devouring and was able to speak a little clearer now. "But I've got some news. And you ought to listen in too, little Greengrass."

"I'm right beside you, Blaise." Astoria graced her friend a small smile, seeing Pansy and Daphne now in deep conversation. "No need to get haughty."

"But I should get haughty, because we've got a smashing Christmas party to go to in a few weeks!" Blaise announced cheerfully. "Slughorn's got a fancy party welled up for the Slug Club and some Slug Club alumni's. Come on, if that doesn't cheer you up, Astoria; then I certainly don't know what will."

At this announcement, Daphne perked up from beside her and said wondrously. "Ooh, a Christmas party?"

"A Christmas party?" asked Astoria with a quirk of a brow. "Professor Slughorn's hardly told me anything."

"That's because he just told me last night. Surely he'll tell you later on. You've got potions with him in the afternoon, don't ye?" Blaise then rolled his eyes. "Took him long enough to extend an idea like that out. I bet he's trying to match it up with Saint Potter's schedule. We've had so many dinners without him and the old potions master is just never content without that bloody Potter being the cherry on top in his little club."

"Oh. Well, then, when is it?" Astoria said as she pushed her bowl of cereal away.

"December 20, I think." Blaise pursed his lips in thought before grinning maniacally. "Oh, and you've got to bring a date, he said."

"Is that necessary?" Astoria asked, completely aghast. She could hear Pansy cackling loudly beside Daphne.

"Well, of course it's necessary!" Daphne barged in as she slammed her fist on the table. "And damn it, we're going to find you a date, Tori. A lady, especially a pure-blood lady, shan't attend a grand event without a man in her arms."

"I think I'm perfectly capable of attending a Christmas party without a man." Astoria told her sister haughtily. "Besides, it's completely ridiculous. I wouldn't go if it required me to bring a date."

"Oh, please, stop your whining, little Greengrass." Pansy scoffed considerably, though her chortles were relentless. "Just go to the bloody party and find some nice little Hufflepuff to go with. I heard they're totally into little blood traitors like you; why, you'll certainly favor the minority."

Astoria grimaced at this. Hufflepuffs weren't that terrible. In fact, she deems them rather friendly – though it saddens her she hadn't quite found her niche with them yet.

"Come off it, Pansy." Daphne sent the pug-faced witch a menacing look. "Astoria deserves more than just some boring little Hufflepuff. She should at least go with a Ravenclaw. They're perfectly smart arm candies."

"And what about me?" asked Blaise as he quirked a brow at Daphne suggestively. "Aren't I a perfectly smart arm candy?"

"When Filch learns how to use magic." Pansy cackled maniacally.

"No. You're complete brawn and very little brains, Zabini." Daphne teased before she stuck her tongue out.

Blaise gasped dramatically at this. "Excuse you, big Greengrass. I happen to be taking N.E.W.T-level potions, something you didn't pass since the O.W.L.S. Honestly, woman, you break my heart."

"It's what I do best." Daphne simpered playfully.

"Then come to the party with me." Blaise braved as he puffed his chest out a bit. "No doubt you'll be the prettiest of them all. Not that you aren't pretty enough in your own way. You're bloody smashing."

Astoria couldn't help but grin at this and she heard Pansy gag from beside Daphne. She turned to her sister, who looked as if she just saw the Bloody Baron strip naked before them. The look on the blonde's face was absolutely priceless.

"Me? Go to Slughorn's Christmas party with you?" Daphne asked dubiously, seemingly trying to process what had just happened before her face contorted into a sneer. "Absolutely not, Zabini!"

Blaise's face fell at this just as Daphne stood up and tried to weave her way off her seat. "What do you mean, absolutely not?"

"It means no, nay, never." Pansy rolled her eyes, though her lips were curled into a snide grin. "Get with the program, Blaise. Honestly."

The black wizard then stood up from his seat as well. "But why not, Daph? Come on! I've been trying to ask you out for weeks now, and you keep turning me down."

"Because I have to, you git!" said Daphne insistently as she started to walk backwards slowly. "You know I can't. I've told you a thousand times! My parents—"

"—won't even know!" Blaise cut her off as he, too, began to walk but towards the blonde. "Daph, come on!"

"No!" Daphne shrieked before running up to the entrance of the Great Hall.

Blaise ran after her, screaming, "Just say yes, Daphne Greengrass!"

A few students looked up from their meals out of curiosity, but eventually went back to their own businesses. Astoria, on the other hand, did just that as well as she sniggered in thought of the scenario. No matter how much her parents didn't want Daphne to associate with Blaise, it always gave her joy to see them acting like absolute fools together. It was damningly adorable and strangely romantic. Once upon a time she might have had that.

"Don't bother asking Malfoy out to that bloody Christmas party, little Greengrass."

Astoria turned to her side to find Pansy glaring at her. She instinctively glared right back, though she felt it wasn't quite threatening enough. After all, her glare was as threatening as a Pygmy puff's squeak.

With Daphne around, Pansy was just a tad bit civil with her. But without her, Pansy… Well, Pansy was Pansy. She was mean-spirited and just downright every epitome of a natural born mean girl. She pranced through the halls like a queen and acted like she held the world at the palm of her hand. Honestly, Astoria never quite understood why Daphne would even be friends with her.

"And what makes you think I'll even attempt to do that?" asked Astoria as she picked up her Daily Prophet again, pretending not to care.

"I've seen you two together at the Blake Lake, and I know damn well you've been tutoring him." Pansy answered crassly as she pushed the Daily Prophet against the table, the pug-faced witch now in full view. "Don't even think for a second that he'll say yes. He's asked me and Blaise specifically to get him as far away from you as possible, so don't get any ideas."

Astoria swallowed. Not that she was surprised he'd ask his friends to do this, but the degree of the situation alone made her feel weak. He had to ask his friends to get rid of her? She was starting to feel like she'd done something wrong and yet again she couldn't possibly remember what in Merlin's pants it was.

"If that's the case, then I assume you're well aware he no longer speaks with me. It's been a given situation for the lot of November now, really." Astoria said a little strongly now. "So, honestly, you've got nothing to worry about."

Pansy crumpled up the Daily Prophet into a ball with her hand before drawing dangerously close towards her. Her breath fanned Astoria's face menacingly. "You stay away from Draco, you hear? If I catch you ogling him, I'll hex your pretty little face into next Tuesday. I don't care if you're Daphne's sister or if you're just as pure-blooded as I am. You're nothing but a filthy, disgraceful blood traitor. Don't even think for a second that he's interested in you. Draco Malfoy is mine."

"Draco Malfoy is his own person, and he certainly doesn't belong to anyone but himself." Astoria hissed defensively; her eyes narrowing as she stood. "People aren't things for you to own, Pansy."

"He's been mine before you were even born, Greengrass!" Pansy stood up suddenly, her voice rising. Several people in the Slytherin table looked up at them.

"Really?" Astoria asked patiently as she crossed her arms on her chest. "That's a very interesting accusation, Pansy."

"It's not an accusation!" Pansy's shrieked furiously, her brows knitting together in frustration. But when Astoria didn't reply, the pug-faced witch's anger dissipated to smug arrogance. "I don't even know why I'm arguing with a puny little fourth year. It's bad form."

"I'm surprised your mind still works on that." Astoria smiled coldly. "Anything else?"

Pansy returned the smile before collecting her things. As she did this, she spoke, "Draco Malfoy and I are engaged to marry after Hogwarts; whether the Dark Lord prevails or not."

Astoria's smile faded almost immediately, her eyes widening appallingly.

When Pansy saw the look in her eyes, she smirked at her self-righteously. "Just something to think about, little Greengrass."

And then she was gone.