If I Lose Myself
by EMPG22HoPe

Chapter Thirteen: Astoria

January 1997

Astoria felt as if the whole world was completely against her. She had retired early from the New Years' Gala, hardly bearing all of the information that just met her like a tidal wave.

First, it was the sudden announcement of Daphne getting married right off the bat this year. She felt completely blindsided by both her parents and Daphne. Daphne never told her that she'd be getting married this year. Merlin's beard, she's only just turning seventeen. Nobody in their right mind would allow it, especially since her sister hadn't even graduated from Hogwarts.

Then, oh, sweet Merlin, then – the confirmation of Pansy Parkinson and Draco Malfoy's engagement popped out of nowhere. Pansy wouldn't have gloated to her about it if it hadn't been true. And her worst fears came to light during that gala upon hearing the truth.

Not only was she mad at both Pansy and Draco, but she was also mad at herself. Her naivety got the best of her – and she no longer wondered why people called her little Greengrass. She knew very little of the world and like her mother said, she's still so young. But fifteen years of age was not that young. In fact, she should have known more pains by now. She didn't think that pain had to involve an engagement she took no part in.

But she barely had time to dwell on her own pain. There were more important things like her sister's incoming marriage. It was still hard to believe despite being ingrained with the idea for weeks now. It had to take her a while before she could recover from the news of an engagement, and Merlin forbid she ever recovers from a marriage that's to take place in a few months' time.

The holidays finally came to a close when Astoria and Daphne were prompted to take the Floo Network to Hogwarts instead of the steaming red-engine train at Platform 9 3/4. Speculation circulated was due to the school's fear of having another incident like Katie Bell's from ever happening again.

Astoria could hardly believe how time flew. She had hoped to stay at home longer since hearing recent news about disappearances and sudden deaths, and that she had even begged her dad to let her stay a bit longer than necessary. But as always, she didn't often get what she wanted. It seemed a miracle that an illness would have kept her longer and far away from Hogwarts. And yet, when she most needed it, it betrayed her.

However now, she was sitting beside Luna Lovegood and Luna's other friend who had just recently sat with them, Neville Longbottom during dessert time at dinner on their first day back, having to catch up the way they unfortunately hadn't without the Hogwarts Express. They sat at the Ravenclaw table, which was hardly filled due to the lack of some late students.

Daphne, on the other hand, had dreadfully set off to do Prefect duties. Apparently, Pansy showed no mercy to her when she immediately told her sister to sub for her on today's Prefect watch. It was disconcerting, considering how since the majority of the students were sent off by Floo, there were still a number of Prefects lacking due to being late, no doubt. And Pansy found it entertaining to let Daphne do all the work, to which Daphne agreed reluctantly; never once having to say no to a Parkinson.

Astoria didn't even think it was possible to let someone else sub for Prefect, but perhaps if you were Pansy, you could bully anyone into thinking such a thing is, indeed, possible.

The Great Hall seemed almost barren despite several students just now entering the space covered in soot and dust from no doubt the fire places they'd just floo'd in. Thus, it gave students some liberty to sit with their friends from other houses; despite the professors all seated up the steps—barely giving them much attention as they discussed feverishly amongst themselves.

Astoria was writing a letter to her aunt Cress in the middle of shoving a forkful of treacle tart in her mouth when she heard Neville distinctly question Luna.

"Luna, are you sure you want me to sit here?" Neville said timidly, and when Astoria looked up to meet his gaze; she thought she saw him jump up a bit. "With a Slytherin?"

"It's nice to officially meet you too, Neville." Astoria said between bites of treacle before swallowing the lot quickly and offering Neville a kind smile. "I would like to mind you that not all Slytherins are rambunctious, arrogant and evil."

"It's true." Luna nodded gleefully at Neville. "Like Astoria here, there are some, though a rarity to find, who are kind and brave but still possesses the cunningness and ambitious traits of their house. You can trust Astoria, Neville. She's one of my very good friends. I even got her an owl for Christmas, see."

Luna pointed towards a small Scops owl sitting next to Astoria.

Astoria couldn't help but marvel at the remembrance of receiving an actual owl as a Christmas gift. Her parents never imagined pets in the house, despite Daphne wanting a ginger cat and Astoria an owl. When the scops owl arrived with a letter and a package of chocolate frogs from Luna, her mother went berserk.

Astoria then took the advantage of telling her mother that she owed her for sending off that wretched letter to Luna, nearly ruining one of the very few true friendships she's had in the school. Her mother was infuriated, but her father sided with Astoria, playfully saying, "You do owe here, dear. Let her have the owl. Look! It's so tiny you could hardly see it."

And tiny the Scops owl was; just as tiny as her, as her sister had said jealously. Astoria had named the owl Penny; the one pet name she had always reserved in case her parents ever finally agreed to get her one.

"Yeah, but don't you hang out with Malfoy's lot?" Neville asked, still unsure as he fidgeted with his shirt nervously.

Astoria naturally set out a laugh at this despite the depressing thought of hearing that one name.

"No, I don't." She shook her head. "My sister is the one that hangs with… er, his lot. I haven't gotten any lot myself except Luna over here. My own house turned their backs on me the minute they found out I tolerated being friendly with half-bloods and muggle-borns. Honestly, I see nothing wrong with it. The whole… pure-blood supremacy is just a tad bit too much. I mean, you would know, Neville. You're a pure-blood yourself, if I'm not mistaken."

Neville cheeks flushed considerably. "Well… I suppose… I'm sorry, er, Astoria, is it?"

"You can call me Tori." Astoria shrugged a little excitedly, her face lighting up. "Well, that's what my friends call me, at least. And I consider you a friend; that is… if you're okay with it?"

At this, Neville beamed at her. "Well, it's always nice to know a Slytherin that isn't so mad. Would it set you off if I asked you to jinx Malfoy?"

"At this point, I don't mind sending one or two his way." Astoria said with a small laugh and was satisfied to see Neville finding humor at this.

"Oh, Neville," Luna giggled delightedly before jutting her chin towards Astoria. "Are you sending that off to your aunt?"

"Oh yes," Astoria nodded eagerly as she read over her letter. "I could only write now to aunt Cress because of mom. She's intercepted my letters to you the minute you gave me an owl. I thought it only wise to write to aunt Cress while away from home."

It was true. Her mother kept a keen eye on Penny whenever Astoria tried to send letters to Luna during the holidays. Of course, she wasn't that daft to try to send her aunt letters excitedly just because she'd finally gotten her own owl.

After Slughorn's Christmas party, she sent her aunt an owl the next morning; her head pounding from one too many shots of Firewhiskey explaining her sudden disappearance, before she set off for the holidays. She'd specifically told her aunt not to send in a reply until she gets back from Hogwarts the next month. Astoria was excited to hear from her aunt now that she was staying at Hogsmeade for the majority of the school.

In the letter that she was writing now, she told her aunt about the holidays – her new gifts, Daphne's engagement and then soon to be marriage on July and, of course, told her all about Draco Malfoy in which she had narrowly missed to tell on the first owl she's sent out before Christmas.

People often make up how they don't remember anything happening whilst in a drunken stupor. However, Astoria remembered. It was muddled and hazy, but Astoria remembered it all. From her bounding down the corridors of the same floor endlessly, to finally finding Draco Malfoy, to him leading her back to the common room and to feeling him just so remarkably close to her again.

It was good to know that none of Draco's sudden distance had anything to do with it being her fault. And yet, she still felt a remarkable amount of guilt no matter how many times he'd told her that it wasn't her. Perhaps it was simply one of the joys of being Astoria: always blaming herself for everything that's gone wrong unless she's absolutely, a hundred certain it's not her.

Just after Astoria set Penny off to send her sealed letter to her aunt Cress, the Prefects stood to start rounding up first years. Hardly any of the Prefects gave them mind, seeing as no trouble was amidst in their place. Only her sister, Daphne, trotted off to the small lot and slouched herself across Astoria on the table next to Neville.

"Rubbish, all this Prefect stuff is! Oh, hi, Luna." Daphne said in outrage, greeting Luna briefly. Luna nodded to her in acknowledgement before slipping on her Spectrespecs. "You expect me to get married with bags under my eyes from all these Prefect duties. I'll smack Pansy's face for this!"

"There, there, Daph. It's only temporary." Astoria cooed at her as she glanced briefly towards Neville, who had scooted himself further away from Daphne. "I reckon Pansy just wants a good laugh. But you do know that "no" is a two-letter word that can easily be said."

"Temporary! Pansy might make it permanent when the time comes. And don't you turn a cheek on me! I know how to say no sometimes." Daphne huffed as she crossed her arms on her chest before going. "I don't understand why mum and dad would have wanted me to become a Prefect at one point. This is far too much work. I had to think of the bloody counter-curse for a leg-locker some first year did to a fourth year. They're just midgets, for crying out loud! How is it bloody possible for them to know that spell already?"

But just before Astoria could reply to her sister's rant, she saw a figure draw nearer towards them. In that moment, she ever regretted letting her eyes wander further away from Daphne.

Draco towered above them lazily now, his grey eyes darting at the odd group before they landed on hers. Astoria looked away to clean up her mess of ink, quill and parchments. She was far too embarrassed to talk to him now that she briefly remembered what happened last month, and even more now that her suspicions were confirmed of him being engaged to Pansy. At this point, she couldn't bear to even spare him a glance.

"Everything all right here?" She heard Draco drawl.

"Everything looks great." Luna said dreamily and Astoria saw the blonde tilt her head to the side. "You look oddly pale, Draco. And you've got a lot of Wrackspurts buzzing next to you. Are you alright?"

"That's none of your business, Lovegood." Draco hissed at her. "Nice face, Longbottom."

Astoria saw Neville smile crassly at him, then acknowledged him with a cold, "Malfoy."

She shoved a mouthful of treacle tart to distract herself from the conversation, nearly choking on it had she not the proper gag reflex.

"Greengrass, get up." Draco then said to Daphne. "You can't be staying in one place for long, especially when you only mean to chat up. Honestly, why Theo decided that marrying you was a wise decision…"

"Oh, shove off, will you, Malfoy?" Daphne scoffed at him. "I'll be out in a second. I just need to rest a bit."

She heard Draco snort at this before he turned on his heel to bully some lot of second year Gryffindors. At this, Astoria could finally breathe a little better; having only realized she'd been holding her breath the entire time Draco had been near.

"He's been a complete ass to me the minute we huddled up for Prefect stuff." Daphne ranted, flailing her hands around. "Probably had hoped it'd be Pansy with him today. Well, tough bloody luck for that git. What the hell's wrong with him?!"

"Well, you did punch him in the face. Hard, once." Astoria explained gently as she counted things off her fingers. "And you didn't tell his best friend, who had been pining over you for about a year now, that you were engaged to Theodore Nott the whole lot of December. You know, just the whole general of it all."

"Oh, you're engaged. Astoria's told me." Luna said softly before smiling. "Congratulations, Daphne. Will you be wearing pink for the wedding?"

Daphne sagged at the mention of the second reason, then the word "wedding" and stood.

"I feel sick. I need to go." She treaded lightly before leaving.

"You've got some strange connections, Astoria." Neville admitted as soon as Daphne was out of earshot.

Astoria sighed, "Neville, you have… no idea."

It was only after a week when Astoria received a reply from her aunt.

Astoria had nearly ripped off the parchment out of excitement in opening her aunt's letter before she read through it briefly over lunch.

Dear Astoria,

My, I've forgotten that you've already come back to Hogwarts. It's been a long time since I went there, and have recklessly forgotten the exact time of coming back after the holidays. I'm so sorry for the delay! Right, any who – I wish you well a good New Year to come. I've missed you so much since you ran off; completely smashed from all the Firewhiskey we took. Good times.

I'm glad to hear that you've made at least one loyal friend since your first arrival at Hogwarts. I always feared you were quite anti-social or either has driven off friendships with your zero tolerance for pure-blood supremacy. But your one friend Luna seems to be enough. After all, she's to thank for finding me. Send her my warmest regards, would you?

As for the case of Daphne's engagement, I'm absolutely petrified! I'm even more surprised that it wasn't your mother's idea, either. I never quite liked Cepheus to begin with – and I knew his pure-blooded arrogance would be you and your sisters' downfall. Look how terribly right I was at that. I do feel so sorry for sweet Daphne. She obviously deserved better than a son of a Death Eater.

And so do you, Tori. Draco Malfoy can shove his arrogant ass up another ass, because he does not deserve someone as precious and kind as you. Why are you downing yourself over such a self-centered man? You've said it yourself in your last letter. He deliberately ignored you and gave no reason whatsoever as to why, even in your state of drunkenness when it had been possible for you to not remember a thing. You'd think he could have poured his heart out, knowing you'd remember none of it the next day. Idiot.

And as for his engagement to Pansy Parkinson, well, that has been all the rage before you yourself were even born. The Parkinsons and Malfoys have been close family friends for centuries now, and they've been dying to pair off their own sons and daughters for a very long time. The Greengrasses only second to that of your family's friendship with the Malfoys, really. But still, I advise you not to keep yourself so depressed over this. So what if he's engaged? It's his bloody lot loss, letting go of a smashing gorgeous girl like you! A Parkinson is nothing compared to you, Tori. Nothing.

But that's all I have to say for now. I've heard your next Hogsmeade weekend is a week prior to when I received your owl. Care to meet me at The Three Broomsticks by then for a few glasses of firewhiskey? No? Alright, butter beer then, you weak little midget. I've got to hand you and Daphne your Christmas presents. And do bring Daphne along if you can. I've missed her so. We can mourn your sister's singleness over bottles of gingered butter beer. Or sherry, really. We're ladies, after all.

Hoping to hear from you soon.

Love,

Aunt Cressida

Oh, Merlin's soggy balls. How is it that in the spare bit of time that she's lived under the same roof with Daphne for nearly a month now did she forget to mention about aunt Cressida? Daphne would be beaming if she found out that their favorite aunt was back in England. Nothing could make her any happier. Astoria decided it would be best to surprise her.

And really, what luck, when she saw her sister storming right into the common room, looking flustered as ever. Daphne slumped on the couch next to her, and when Astoria finally got a full view of her sister – she gasped.

"What happened?" Astoria asked her softly as she adjusted her silver and green scarf. "Oh, Daphne."

"It's that stupid Malfoy!" Daphne shrieked, causing some of the other students in the room to look at them skeptically. Her sister's face was covered in boils, though they weren't much; but new boils dotted her face every minute or so. "The nerve of him! Bloody bastard's out to get me, and before I could throw the same smack I've done him a month ago – he hexed me with boils!"

Now Astoria was infuriated. "He did that to you?"

"No, Tori, he did a number on my dear friend, Millicent—of course to me!" Daphne screeched angrily as she shoved a vial into her jeans' pocket. "I've already got a cure for boils from Madam Pomfrey, but she said it'll be a week before the whole thing cures. I swear by Gran Cassiopeia's grave, I'll murder him!"

Unbelievable. Astoria made a mental note to have a word with Draco Malfoy later. She didn't care if he so desperately needed to distance himself from her. Nobody hurts her sister and gets away with it. But she put that idea to the side. For now, she had to drag Daphne out to Hogsmeade where their aunt was. Her sister refused constantly, saying that she wouldn't even dare leave her dormitories for a week if she could help it. But eventually she was convinced when Astoria promised to send a bogey curse out to Draco.

By the time they've reached The Three Broomsticks, it was packed with students. It nearly took them minutes before they've weaved their way through the thickening crowd and found Aunt Cress sitting on a booth in the corner next to the window.

"Merlin's beard, is that aunt Cress?!" Daphne bellowed, but before Astoria could answer, her sister went bounding up towards their aunt.

Aunt Cress, clad in thick winter-wear, looked up in surprise and had barely made a reaction when Daphne crashed into her, hugging their aunt as tightly as she possibly could. When Astoria arrived before them, Daphne was spluttering so many words, she could hardly distinguish one.

"I can't believe you kept this from me, Tori!" Daphne said as she sat right next to her aunt excitedly. "Honestly, aunt Cress was all I needed in the madness of it all!"

"What am I? Chopped liver?" Astoria asked, slightly offended, but smiled nonetheless. "Anyway, I couldn't possibly tell you at first. Either that or I've honestly just forgotten, really. But I would have thought this'd be a nice surprise for you; with all the engagement and whatnot."

"Oh, goodness, that wretched engagement!" Aunt Cress growled just as the barkeep arrived with three bottles of butter beer and three glasses of sherry. "Ah, just in time. Take your pick, ladies. It's going to be a long afternoon."

Indeed, it was a long afternoon. Daphne and their aunt mostly spent the time catching up, just as she and her aunt did during Slughorn's Christmas party. They were given their Christmas presents in the midst of it. Daphne had gotten a hand-knit sweater with her named stitched across the green torso whilst Astoria received boxes of Chocolate Frogs, Cauldrons and her favorite, Chocoballs.

Astoria had merely been there to provide extra information for Daphne, and telling trifle stories of her own. Eventually, Daphne ran out of things to say, though mostly because she's dozed off due to the lot of sherry she's consumed.

"Merlin, she's dreadful at drinking. Honestly, she's only had three and that's already knocked her off her rocker." Her aunt laughed as she downed the last of the sherry available on the table. "It's just so nice finally catching up with you two. I feel like it's been forever despite it only being four years. Why, you were at Hogwarts then, Tori, when your mother practically kicked me out of the country as if she was the Minister of Magic herself."

"You never quite told me why she did that. Or why either of you fought over something to be begin with." Astoria said curiously as she began to open her box of Chocoballs.

"All in good time, Tori." Cress patted her hand warmly. "All you need to know is that it started when you got very ill during your first year in Hogwarts."

Astoria nearly stumbled out of her seat at the mention of it all. Bloody hell, in the event that she had first met her aunt, she really should have started questioning her about that. In all the trouble and mess she's been through, she'd completely forgotten about her strange illness and how it had anything to do with the Greengrass line.

She then began to explain the strangeness of her illness; how the St. Mungo's healers merely deemed her as "sickly" and how it once made her sick for an entire month, missing her finals during her second year. Then she started with the tale of her speaking with Professor Dumbledore regarding the matter and how he firmly believed it had something to do with her father's side of the family.

Aunt Cress seemed to have faltered at the mention of the Greengrasses. Astoria noticed this and raised a brow in question.

"Aunt Cress…" She trailed off carefully between bites of chocoballs. "Do you… do you know something? About father's side of the family? Something that… that might have burned down when Death Eaters attacked the manor?"

Suddenly, her aunt started to cry. Astoria tried to contain her, but it was no use. She seemed to be muttering words like, "All my fault" and "I should have known". But no matter how much Astoria tried to comfort her aunt, she just kept sobbing wretchedly. At this point, Astoria didn't know what to do. Normally she was a helpful shoulder to cry on, but her aunt didn't seem to think she'd be enough for all of it.

By the time Cress had stopped bawling her eyes out at least, she finally turned to Astoria – her green eyes now bloodshot from all her sobbing. "Promise me you won't hate me."

"Why would I—"

"Promise me, Tori. Promise me, please." Cress begged softly as she began to rummage through her red purse where she heard a variety of what seems to be glass bottles clinking against each other. "I would never forgive myself if you hated me. I would never if I hadn't tried hard enough… your mother… she was too good. Too powerful for me to overcome. I've always been quite weak compared to her, my own little sister. Oh, Tori, sweetie, please."

"I promise." Astoria cooed gently now as she hung on the edge of her seat.

Her aunt sniffed loudly as she took out two small empty vials. Uncorking one of each, she took out her wand and pressed it firmly against the side of her head. Before Astoria could ask what was going on, her mouth fell open at the sight of a silvery, glowing thread release from the side of her aunt's end to which the thread hung on the tip of her wand. It must have been at least four or five inches before she placed the thread into one of the vials, corking it shut. She did the same process, but this time the thread seemed longer, nearly ten inches before she corked it shut on the second vial.

It only very lately occurred to Astoria what her aunt had done. She'd extracted her memories and corked them in the vials. Astoria has read all about them in Daphne's books and she remembered that the only way to view someone's memories that were bottled up were through…

"Pensieves." She said aloud as her aunt pushed the two vials towards her. Astoria took both of them in her hands curiously. Never in her life had she seen something so beautiful and yet so sad bottled up. "But Aunt Cress, how could I possibly—"

And yet, before she could go on; she heard a loud woosh right in front of her.

Distracted from her amazement towards the memories, she very lately realized that her aunt had just disappeared out of thin air; leaving a trail smell of sherry behind.

A/N: After an entire year, I've finally managed to pluck up the courage to continue writing this fanfic. Thank you so much for your utmost patience! As of this moment, I have revised the previous chapters for this fanfic, so feel free to reread it at your own disposal. I will be posting chapter updates now every one or two weeks, depending on my writing schedule and as it's the holidays, things can be quite busy.

Please send a review on what you think about this chapter, what you're expecting now that I've returned to writing this, and whether you liked the revisions I've made for the fanfic or not! I am always fond of hearing from my readers. :)

Till' then, enjoy,
EMPG22HoPe