I realized when I had plotted this part of the story out that in the books Katniss talks about school being cancelled during major events in the Games. I had put her graduation about two weeks ahead of the Reaping, and it works best that way within the narrative of the fic, so I decided that seniors graduate early and evertyone else stays in for a month more, or so.
Every year of my life from the time when I was five, I have been attending school. My eighteenth birthday now behind me, that makes for thirteen years all in all. Thirteen years that will all be culminating in one day a week and a half from now. During the first eight or nine years graduation was an abstract thought, something we all knew was coming but which didn't quite seem real. We had all been to school for practically all our lives, most of us having few to no memories of the time before we began our education, and it seemed we would continue like this forever. But then came a time when we all began to see the finish line. Some had older siblings who graduated; almost all of us knew someone one, two, three years older than ourselves and watched them celebrate their graduation day, continued our last weeks of the semester without the senior class, and then when the next semester came about they were no longer in school. Suddenly graduation became something real, something to strive and look forward to. Even though I think all of us from the Seam feel school is a luxury compared to the lifetime that awaits us down in the mines, there's still something special about ending your education and moving forward to another phase of your life. Even for me, who dreads the changes to come, who would love to be able to hold on to the familiarity of being a student, and who looks with trepidation upon having to shoulder all adult responsibilities, the thought of graduation carries an element of positivity. It's an accomplishment. Something to feel proud of. A milestone in life which I can enjoy and be happy about.
I think all of us, my entire class, have been looking forward to this to some degree or other for the past few years, and especially this year. When winter solstice had come and gone, and the days began to grow longer, and the new year began, there was a rise in the mood in our class, a building excitement over the special day we would collectively share. I heard people whispering about it during class sometimes, chat about it by their lockers, share their thoughts and hopes about that day while they were eating their lunches. And even though I haven't participated in any of those conversations I've still felt like I've been a part of it. It is our day, our entire class'. We've been going to school together for thirteen years and now we get to celebrate its ending together.
But now, when graduation day is less than two weeks away, it seems all air has gone out of the excitement. Hardly anyone talks about it, and those who do have very little of the excitement that I've been hearing all year. Most of the time we all seem to act as if it's not even happening, making no mentions of graduation parties or how this or that person plans to wear their hair, or anything really. And it's not because we've all collectively come to the sudden realization that once we step out of the school building for the final time as students there's a whole other life waiting for us, one with jobs and bills to pay and all of the hardships that come with that, nor is it because people are sad to say goodbye to schoolmates or sad in general that this part of their life is coming to an end.
The reason is the Reaping. That one, final reaping that looms over us, that might keep two of us from progressing from student to worker, from young adult to adult, that might snatch away the adult life we are at the cusp of. I don't believe a single one of us has forgotten during the year that this last Reaping is before us, but it's been viewed as a different entity. And it still is, but that it's coming right at the heels of our last day of school makes it impossible now not to think about. When we should be getting more and more excited instead our dread is growing day by day.
"If you think about it, it's actually a second graduation," says Madge as we sit down underneath an oak tree to have our lunch outside, only six school days remaining in our lives. "When it's over, our names will be gone from the Reaping Bowls forever."
"But until then we haven't truly graduated," I reply, following her line of thought. I take a bite from the tiny apple which is the last of the bag I bartered over at the Hob many months ago. It's dried and sour and I make a face at the taste, never having had much of a liking for sour. "It's hard to enjoy the end of school when that last Reaping comes shortly after. It's hard to think about anything else."
An uncharacteristic scowl darkens Madge's fair features and she looks pensive as she opens her food bag and carefully lifts out a sandwich made from soft, fresh rye bread. Even from a few feet away I can feel its smell and it makes my mouth water.
"Well I'm not going to let them do that to me," she says in a voice lowered to protect her words from ears that aren't meant to hear them. "I'm not going to let the Capitol take away my enjoyment of a day I've been waiting so long for. I will worry about the Reaping the day after graduation and not a minute before."
She takes a surprisingly large bite from her sandwich and chews with a sullen yet determined expression on her face. I stare at her wordlessly, shocked by the defiance displayed by the usually so mild and complacent Madge Undersee. Despite the shock I find myself impressed.
The sun is shining from a clear blue sky when I exit through the main doors together with the rest of my classmates. We've just finished a small ceremony in our homeroom, having our final grades handed to us and saying goodbye to our teachers and to each other. Most of my classmates will say more proper goodbyes tonight at the various graduation parties, but I won't be attending any of them. For me, this has been farewell. We will still see each other around the district of course, and many will keep the friends they've made during these thirteen years, but no one will keep in touch with everyone.
Out on the schoolyard a small crowd has assembled. Family and friends of those of us who have graduated today, all standing in small, individual groups as if it were a crime to stand too close to someone who has come to congratulate somebody else. I manage a half-hearted smile, knowing that's what's expected of me. Everybody hails this as a monumental day in our lives and I wish I could see it that way but to me it's the end of steady routines I've had since I was five years old and the beginning of an uncertain future. The possibility of having to find work in the mines sends a shiver of anxiety through me and I have to really strain myself to keep the smile in place.
My classmates scatter, each going to their little group of congratulators and well-wishers. Some cheer, some even cry. I look around, trying to spot my mother and Prim, but they're not among those in front. I didn't expect them to be, not really. It takes a minute of wading through the crowd to find them and the first thing I notice is that they're not alone. Gale's family is there too, with only him missing. I wasn't expecting him to show up. They don't give mineworkers the day off for something like this unless they are a parent or a sibling to the graduating person. I try to make my smile seem more genuine and I lift my hand in a little wave as I approach them. It's a very nice gesture on Hazelle and the kids' part to come, and I feel genuinely touched. My eyes find Prim and she's jumping up and down with uncontrolled excitement. The sight manages to bring an actual smile to my lips and I feel genuinely good for the first time today when she throws her arms around my neck and I find my face buried in her golden hair.
"Congratulations!" she cheers. "You graduated!" She pulls back a little and whispers in my ear. "I know you don't think it's that big a deal but I'm proud all the same."
I smile at her and kiss her cheek, wishing she knew how much I care about her. Her being proud of me is a very big deal to me, whether I think graduation is or not. Next I hug my mother, whose embrace is reserved but still warm. Her hand cradles the back of my head and she too whispers in my ear.
"Your father… I wish he could have been here today… He would have been so proud of you, Katniss. So proud."
"It's no big deal," I say, feeling oddly emotional at the mention of my father. I miss him so much some days. "Everybody graduates sooner or later. It's not like it took any special effort on my part."
"He would have been proud," she says again, pulling back from the hug.
I don't want to look at her right now, the moment feeling a bit strange, so I turn to Hazelle and her children instead. There are more hugs and more well-wishes and I try my best to sound genuinely grateful when I thank them. I am grateful, grateful that they are here, even if the congratulations themselves are mostly meaningless to me.
"It's so nice of you to have come," I say to Hazelle.
"Katniss of course we came," she answers, smiling warmly at me. Her hand comes up and strokes my cheek. "You're part of the family now."
The smile freezes on my face, a wave of uncomfortableness coming over me. Why does that feel so strange when she says it? Haven't we all been a kind of extended family to one another over the past several years? But that's not what she meant. She meant something else, I could tell by the way she said it and the look in her eyes. She meant because of me and Gale, because we're together. I don't know that I'm ready to have us be defined as family in that sense.
"Gale sends his congrats," says Rory. "He wanted to be here. Well, you know that already. But they wouldn't give him the day off."
"He shouldn't take the day off even if he had the opportunity," I object. "Being here for fifteen minutes is not worth losing an entire day's wages."
"Gale thinks you're worth far more than that," says Hazelle, and my mouth feels strangely dry.
"Katniss!"
I turn my head at the unexpected sound of Peeta Mellark's voice. I'm taken aback seeing him standing there only a few feet away, his family nowhere in sight. I know they all came so why has he wandered off from them?
"Hey… Peeta…" I manage.
"Happy graduation," he smiles. "I know what this day means to you."
The corners of my mouth turn upward just the slightest bit. He knows.
"Congratulations yourself," I reply.
"It's too bad we never got around to arranging that graduation bash we spent hours planning," he says, a playful glint in his eyes. I blush and look down at the ground for a second, remembering those early days of our working together. Then I look up at him and smile, feeling a rush of fondness at the memories. "But, party or no party, I have something for you."
"You… You what?"
He reaches inside the satchel thrown over his shoulder and lifts out an oval shaped object wrapped in a towel. Bread. My eyes widen, and I want to protest but before I can get a word out he's handed it to Prim whom he knows won't try and make him take it back. The bread obviously isn't fresh from the oven but there's still a faint scent there and despite myself I draw a deep breath, enjoying its loveliness. Peeta then wraps his arms around me and pulls me close for a hug. Spontaneously I wrap my arms around him too, briefly closing my eyes and inhaling again, this time filling my nose with his scent. His embrace feels warm and solid and yet soft. There's a kind of comfort there, a serenity in the middle of the many happenings of the day. I have just enough time to wish that it wouldn't end too soon when he pulls back, smiling warmly at me.
"I'll see you around, Katniss," he says to me, his voice low, as if he doesn't mean for anyone else to hear. Then he addresses Prim in a normal tone of voice but keeps his eyes locked with mine. "Don't let her try and sneak by the bakery and leave that bread on the doorstep or something. It's a gift."
"But I didn't give you anything," I protest.
"Gifts don't work that way. In fact they kind of lose their purpose if you only give them expecting one back. How did you go to school for thirteen years and never learn the definition of that word?" His eyes have a mischievous glint in them as he teases me, but then he turns serious. "Anyway, I should go. I told my family I would be back in five minutes."
He's still standing so close to me that we're practically touching but now he steps back and after a nod and a quick greeting to my mother he turns and begins to walk back to where his family is waiting.
"Peeta!" I call out and he stops and turns. There's a moment of silence. "I can't accept this bread."
"Sure you can," he says. Then he winks at me. I wonder if he's aware that the eye he winks with is the same one his mother turned black and blue that day six years ago. Probably I'm the only one who recalls that, or would even think about something like that in the middle of graduation.
He disappears into the crowd and I feel sad and even a little bit empty watching him go. Was this him saying goodbye for good? We won't be seeing each other at school anymore. Who knows where he will end up being a week or month from now? Will he still be at the bakery when I come to trade or will his family expect or force him to seek employment elsewhere?
"Katniss are you okay?" asks Prim, her voice soft and a touch concerned.
"Yeah…" I answer absent-mindedly.
"Please don't be upset," she says. "It's a really nice thing for Peeta to do. It would be such a shame of you couldn't enjoy it."
I manage a small smile and turn to look at her.
"Don't worry. I'll be sure to treat his gift with the reverence it deserves." Mustering some fake gusto I put on a much more cheerful and carefree tone. "So what kind of bread did he give us?"
"He gave you…" Prim begins, unwrapping the cloth to see what's underneath, "what looks like raisin and nut bread."
I close my eyes for a second, taking it all in. I then look in the direction where Peeta went. It had to be that kind of bread, didn't it? I try to hold on to Prim's words and be happy about it, to make this kind gift from Peeta matter, but all I seem to be able to feel is sadness. All those years ago our relationship began when he threw those loaves of bread to me. Now he's giving me that same kind of bread and I can't help but wonder if he means for it to be a bookend.
With a heavy heart I try to accept the thought that Peeta meant this to be his way of saying goodbye.
That evening I sit by the kitchen table, looking out the window at the sun that has slowly begun its descent. I hope it will be a wonderful sunset. Peeta should have that on his graduation day. This day actually means something to him. I hope he's having fun at whatever party he's attending. Before me on the table is an envelope with my final grades – about as good as I had hoped, better in a few subjects – and with an assessment of my performance in the project. I haven't read it yet. I'm not sure what I'm saving it for, but I don't feel it's the right time yet. Along with the assessment from my teachers, I was given a copy of Peeta's evaluation of me. I haven't read that yet, either. Me getting a copy of his evaluation means that he got a copy of mine. Has he read it yet? What does he think?
My sister is busy clearing the table, having just vehemently refused to allow me to help in any way at all. She doesn't have the monetary means to give me any material gifts, so she's been keeping me away from any form of chore the whole day through. It's just the two of us in the kitchen. Mother has gone to lie down, more preoccupied with my father not being here for my graduation day than with paying much attention to her graduating daughter. She held it together well enough until the Hawthorne family left but after that she quickly withdrew into her own world. It hurts, and I resent her for it, but at least she held it together while we had company, so I didn't have to feel ashamed in front of Gale's family. I suppose that's all the present I will get from my mother.
"I can't believe I have to wait another four years until it's my turn," sighs Prim, filling the sink with tepid water to do the dishes.
"Those four years will go by all too fast, little duck."
"Katniss I know this day isn't all that special to you, but you do have a bright future ahead of you." I draw my eyes from the sun and look at her instead. I get the odd feeling that whatever she is about to say is something our mother ought to have told me but because she is the way she is it's up to my baby sister to do it instead. It's impossible not to be grateful that I have a sister like that, and also a touch amazed that she's grown up so much. Despite my misgivings of some of her new interests and attitudes there are some aspects of her maturing into a young woman that I like, that make me proud. "You're smart and you're not afraid of hard work," she continues. "You got good grades. Our mother was born in town and that can still work in your favour if you want a job at a shop." Her smile turns into more of a smirk. "And you have Gale. Whatever the future holds for the two of you, you know you'll always have a handsome, capable man who loves you and who is there for you. No matter what."
"Yeah," I say with a nod, happy that she didn't mention the words 'marriage' or 'toasting'. "You're right, little duck. Thank you."
She smiles warmly at me.
"I love you, sis."
"I love you too, Prim."
A knock on the door interrupts our moment. Prim turns to go answer it, but I stand up and shake my head at her. She may want to take on all my chores for the day but she's already doing the dishes and answering the door isn't exactly a chore. I walk up to her and kiss her forehead, then I walk to the front door. It doesn't surprise me that Gale is standing there, having had time to change out of his mining overalls but still with a few specks of dirt on his face. He must have come over as soon as he could.
"Hey," I say.
"Hey Catnip." He leans in and kisses me thoroughly. It's not the kind of kiss I consider a proper greeting but what point would there be bringing that up? "Congratulations on having graduated," he says when he pulls back.
"Thank you," I answer, slightly short of breath after the kiss. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.
"Are you having a celebration with Prim and your mother or… can a guy take you on a romantic walk in the sunset?"
I hesitate. I think of my sister and the nice moment we just had. I was planning for us to make ourselves comfortable on the couch and share the bread and have a nice evening of sisterly talk and card games and whatever we feel like doing. At the same time I would like to spend some time with Gale. I suppose I could go for a walk with him and be back in an hour and have that evening with Prim.
"Just… Just give me a moment, okay?"
He waits at the door while I go inside the kitchen and tell Prim about my plans. She lights up at first but then looks contemplative.
"I think it sounds wonderful to hang out tonight, just the two of us… But I understand if you want to spend the evening with Gale."
"I can easily do both."
"Katniss…" She smiles again. "I'm your sister and I'll be here tomorrow evening, and we can do our thing then. Gale is your boyfriend. Your future. It's okay if you don't want to rush things with him tonight."
I'm not sure what to say to that so I go with what seems to be like the most rational argument.
"The bread might be stale by tomorrow. It would be such a shame to let it go to waste. And the only one I want to share that bread with is you. The person Peeta gave it to in the first place." I pull her in for a quick hug. "I'm going for a walk with Gale and I'll be back in about an hour. Okay?"
She looks sceptical but smiles anyway.
"Have fun."
Gale is holding his hand out to me when I come back to the door. Hand in hand we slowly pass by the streets of the Seam, approaching the Meadow. It's a lovely night out, perfect for this kind of outing. Gale is strangely quiet. I had expected him to ask me questions about my day but given how well he knows me he probably doesn't think I'd have all that much to say. We reach our destination and I stop to take a seat, but Gale has different plans.
"Let's go to the glade. It's our true spot anyway, right?"
"Oh. Okay." He begins to walk. Following a step behind him I bite my bottom lip, letting it slowly slide out of my teeth's grip. "I can't stay all that long, though. I promised Prim. We have sister plans for the evening."
"Sister plans?"
"You know…" I say with a shrug. "In a way, me graduating marks the biggest change for her and me. I won't be there with her at school every day anymore. We're starting to live different lives." Hearing myself say the words depresses me a little. "It feels important somehow to be with her tonight."
"I won't keep you, Catnip," says Gale lightly, looking at me over his shoulder. "Though who knows, maybe we'll lose all track of time?"
I scowl when he turns his face forward again, not liking the implication that I would be that blasé about a promise I made to my sister. I follow him past the fence, through the woods and down the path to our glade. The sunset has begun for real and it's a spectacular view from out here. While I take my seat on the log I wonder what the setting sun looks like when reflected on the clear water of the lake by the old cabin. I decide to find out the answer before summer is over. I take a moment to close my eyes and draw a deep breath, enjoying all the scents that fill a forest glade in early summer. Fresh flowers, fresh green, enhanced by the humidity that is beginning to creep in. Opening my eyes again I smile, deciding that this might be my favourite moment of my graduation day.
I feel Gale put his hand on mine. I wait for him to speak but first it seems he wants to do something else with his mouth. His other hand comes to cradle the back of my head, turning me to face him, and we spend the next few minutes kissing. It's gentle and unrushed and sweet. Gale clears his throat when we're done and gives me a lopsided smile.
"I could do that all day," he tells me.
I smile faintly. I can't say that I feel the same way about it, but I don't mind it either. It's probably best not to say anything.
"It's a lovely night out," I offer, feeling I should say something.
I'm a little startled when he leans in for another kiss, this time a demanding one. I frown and find myself wanting to pull back, not liking the way he seems to be wanting to claim my mouth and almost quell me. The kiss ends abruptly, and I resist the urge to touch my lips with my fingers, my mouth feeling almost bruised by the sudden assault. Was that supposed to be enjoyable?
"What's gotten into you?" I ask, giving him a look.
"A guy can't give his best girl a passionate kiss on the eve of her adulthood?"
"Huh?"
"You're finally becoming an adult, Catnip," he smiles. "You've turned eighteen, just the one last reaping left to go and today you graduated from school."
"You make that one last reaping sound like a minor thing," I point out, pulling my hand away from his. "You and I both know it's anything but."
"True enough… But you're still becoming an adult." He smiles warmly. "No more school for you, miss Everdeen. Any thoughts to what you will do with your adulthood?"
"Can we please not discuss this right now?" I sigh, turning my eyes from him to gaze at the setting sun instead. "Haven't we gone over this enough times before?"
"We have, but…" His hand finds mine again, this time intertwining our fingers. I move my eyes from the beautiful scene in the sky and meet his darkening grey eyes. "Back then it was all about theory. Now we're standing in the face of reality." His thumb caresses the back of my hand. "I know you don't want to go down into the mines," he says, and I swallow hard. "I don't want you there either. I don't want to subject anyone to that life, least of all the woman I love."
"Gale…"
"You have a few months to find another job," he continues. "While you could certainly make a living out here in the woods they would never let you. You're an adult now and you have to provide for the household in a way they can measure on the books. That's just how it works."
"Yeah, thanks for the reminder," I say sullenly, again turning to look at the setting sun. I wish he would just be quiet, just let us sit here and enjoy the moment. Why must there be so much talking?
"But if you can't find a job… Well, there is another option."
The words sink in slowly, one by one. I begin to scowl, the beauty of the sunset suddenly seeming to diminish. I turn to look at him again, seeing the expectation in his eyes, and I feel nothing but dread.
"I just turned eighteen," I point out. "Not nineteen. I won't be a legal adult for almost a year."
"True, but that doesn't mean we can't start making plans."
"You're talking about marriage," I surmise.
"Yeah, Catnip, I'm talking about marriage," he chuckles.
I bite my bottom lip, anger beginning to well up inside.
"You know I don't want marriage."
"Are you really so sure about that?"
I snort, giving him a look. I don't know if I'm more surprised, angry or offended.
"How can you even ask me that? I cannot keep having this conversation with you, Gale," I say sternly. "How many times have we been over this? Yes I'm sure, I've always been sure, and I always will be sure."
"I don't think you've really thought it through," he begins, holding up both hands to pause me when I'm about to give a very angry response. "Hear me out, okay? What I mean is I don't think you've given the idea an honest chance."
Groaning loudly I get up on my feet, suddenly full of anger and frustration that things have come to this. I miss the good old days when things were uncomplicated between us. Ever since we started dating it seems that every time we're together and every conversation we have things are all focused on our relationship. I brace my hand against the coarse bark of a tree, trying to let the familiar surroundings calm me. I don't want to have a fight. I may not put much stock in the importance of finishing school, but it is nonetheless my graduation day, a day that's supposed to be some form of landmark event, and I wanted to have a nice and peaceful evening.
I turn and look at Gale, his grey eyes looking calmly back at me.
"Nothing has changed," I say. "Nothing at all. I still don't want children and I never will want children. Not unless the whole world drastically changes and there is no more poverty and no more Hunger Games and no more coalmining. Since I don't want children I also obviously don't want to get married. The only kind of marriage I could ever consider is an entirely platonic one, and what would be the point of that?"
He rises and takes a few steps closer, wisely keeping a bit of distance between us. The light of the setting sun catches in his hair. He still has dirt smudges on his face. His familiar grey eyes capture mine. It's odd. I've seen his face a million times, several times admiring his handsomeness, for years now feeling completely familiar with his features. Why does it seem like he's become more of a stranger with each passing month of our relationship?
"Be realistic, Catnip," he says, still sounding oddly calm. "Picture yourself… five years from now. Or ten. Prim married, living in her own home with her own family. Your relationship with your mother no doubt as strained as it is today. You an adult in every way, wanting your own space. You and I closer than ever, wanting to spend all our time together. Can you picture it?"
"Sort of," I admit, wrapping my arms around myself. The evening is temperate and the soft wind that blows doesn't make me cold, but I still find myself wishing I had something to wrap around me.
"Do you really believe you will want to be living with your mother at that point? You and me struggling to find places where we can be alone? I don't know about you, but I can't see us spending half our nights under my mother's roof and the other half under your mother's roof."
I can't stop my cheeks from burning red and I avert my eyes. Gale has been dropping hints that he wants to spend a night with me, but I've pretended not to understand what he's getting at. At this point I believe he only wants to sleep beside me and know what it's like to wake up together but I'm not so innocent and naïve that I don't understand what he's now referring to.
"Well I know one thing for absolute certain," I say. "We won't be spending our nights together. Not the way you mean. I really mean it when I say I'm never having kids and I don't think biology gives too much of a damn if we're married or not. Nothing that intimate is ever going to happen between us."
"I can't see how that could work," he says. "We won't be able to resist."
I picture myself standing with Gale among the other parents at Reaping Day, hearing the name of our child called by Effie Trinket. I see an olive skinned, dark haired child walk up towards the stage and certain doom and I feel nauseous.
"I wouldn't have any problems resisting," I say with so much emotion behind it that he seems to hesitate for a second.
"There are methods of birth control," he then says.
"I don't know how you can justify wasting money on condoms when we both have families to feed."
"Look, Katniss, I get that you're not ready to have sex," he says, sounding a touch exasperated. "That's fine. I don't want to push you into anything you're not ready for. But you're naïve if you think you'll never become ready and you're even more naïve if you think we would be able to abstain for our entire lives. But even if we could, there's more than that. We are still at the early stages but what we have will grow and deepen and evolve and there will come a time when spending an hour or two together in the afternoon and a day a week hunting won't be enough." He pauses. "In fact, it's not nearly enough now."
"So you think we should get married as soon as I'm a legal adult?" I question. "That's your solution?"
"It's going to happen anyway at some point."
"No it isn't!" He looks taken aback by my sharp cry, but I don't care. I'm fed up and frankly a bit sad and disappointed that the evening took this turn. We're at our favourite spot in the woods, it's a lovely summer's evening and we should be having a wonderful time together. All I want to do is sit on the log beside him, rest my head on his shoulder and talk about all the things we used to talk about. I don't want to talk about this anymore. "Gale get it through your thick skull. I'm not ever going to marry you. I told you that before we even started going out."
He walks up to me and his big hands land on my shoulders. His eyes stare so intensely at me that I almost recoil, even though there's no anger there. If anything he seems to be searching for something and on an instinctive level I know he's not going to find it. The realization almost breaks my heart.
"Please," he says, his voice now soft. "I don't want to fight."
"Nor do I!" I exclaim. "You're the one who keeps pulling on this thread!"
"I just wanted for us to have a lovely evening together. I want us to have a great future together."
I hesitate, afraid of what might happen when I speak but knowing that it has to be said. He deserves to hear it. I've been trying to figure out the right thing to do, trying to realize what my feelings truly are, and right here, right now it all becomes so clear.
"A future with me is not going to have a toasting and a baby," I say, my voice softening somewhat. "Maybe I'm not what you really want. I don't think I can give you the things that you want."
"You can," he says gently, his hand finding my cheek in a gentle caress. "You can. We just need to figure it all out."
"How?" I ask. I want him to be right, I want everything to turn out okay for us, but it has become clearer and clearer to me that we want very different things. It's almost impossible to imagine because we've been such a perfect team with such similar goals for all these years, but it seems this is yet another thing that adulthood ruins.
His other hand leaves my shoulder and cradles my face. He looks at me for almost a full minute and then kisses me. I try to let the kiss wipe away my concerns but unfortunately things aren't that simple. Out of nowhere the thought comes into my head that lately the one boy I've felt completely comfortable with is not my boyfriend but Peeta, the boy who's not even my classmate anymore as of today. Shame washes over me as I catch myself wondering what it would feel like to kiss him and if I'd be more at ease in that situation than I am here and now with my best friend and boyfriend.
"Where are you, Catnip?" asks Gale in a whisper, breaking the kiss and pressing his brow to mine, his eyes closed. "You seem a million miles away when I kiss you…"
"I'm just a bit worked up from our fight," I mumble.
He sighs lightly and pulls back, opening his eyes again.
"No, it's not just here and now. It's like you're always just a step out of my reach. I feel everything when I kiss you except… except for you really being there." He swallows. "I know you started out new at all of this, but I thought that by now…"
That's the essence of the problem, isn't it? Gale has far too much faith that I will come around and that I just need time. Not all things can be fixed with time.
"Gale…" I say, reaching up to take his hands in mine and carefully pull them down from my face. "I've tried to be honest with you this whole time. I'm not so sure how I feel. I love you, but I don't know for sure if I'm in love with you."
He takes a step back, looking at me like I've slapped him in the face. I feel all at once both a touch of dread and annoyance. When we began going out I made it clear that I'm not yet in love and I've never claimed to have fallen during the time we've been together.
"So what the hell does that mean?" he asks, his voice cold. The sun has finally set, and I can't see him very well in the shadows, but I can read his body language well enough. He's on edge now.
"It means… it's not so strange that I don't feel as much as you feel when we kiss because I…"
I trail off, realizing that I'm only hurting him through my honesty. He looks away, turning his eyes upward for a moment, and then looks at me again.
"So I haven't just been paranoid, then?"
"What do you mean?"
"Sometimes when we kiss you seem so distant that I've lately been wondering if I'm even the guy on your mind."
I scowl, instinctively wanting to object and feel offended but deep down knowing that I would be dishonest in doing so. Wasn't I thinking about Peeta just now? I wasn't imagining that it was him kissing me, but Gale probably won't care about that detail.
"What exactly are you accusing me of?" I ask, not sure why I'm even asking the question.
"You're awfully chummy with your former project partner." I'm glad the evening darkness shields the blush that spreads across my cheeks. Of course he would be talking about Peeta. What other boy could I possibly think of? What other boy do I even speak to on a regular basis, other than peacekeepers? "He's got such a thing for you and don't tell me I'm wrong or that you haven't noticed. A person who's both blind and deaf can pick up on it."
"Jesus, Gale, how paranoid can you be?" I ask with exasperation.
"Do you deny that you're awfully friendly with him?"
"Friendly" I emphasise. "We got along while we were doing the project but that's done now. We graduated today, remember?"
"But you didn't stop spending time with him after the project ended. I have brothers who are still in school, you know, and they've told me that they've seen you two together."
"Oh my God, you have Vick and Rory spying on me?" I burst out.
"No! But when they see my girlfriend being all congenial with another man they tell me. And I'm tired of answering their questions about why you are acting the way you are around him. The way you have been acting all winter, and for the entire school to see, at that."
"Oh, you mean all the sex I've been having with him in the cafeteria, in front of as many people as possible," I say, my voice brimming with sarcasm – and hurt. "Because let me tell you, if there's one thing you can count upon being conducted in public it's illicit stuff. You might believe that any interactions I have with people where anyone can see are things that are perfectly decent, but wow, you would be wrong."
"Oh come off it, Katniss!"
"You come off it!"
"My brothers have seen you in the assembly room with him every week, and no, obviously you weren't making out with him, and I would never accuse you of that. But don't think I don't pick up on the little details. Details that mean more than you might think to someone who knows you better than you know yourself." A grim look comes over his face, his jaw clenching in a way I usually only see when he's about to go on a rant against the Capitol. "Vick said you were almost always smiling when you talked to him. He said he made you laugh."
Fresh anger flares up inside of me.
"Oh, so I'm not allowed to laugh?"
He gives me a pointed look.
"You never laugh. You only ever smile out here in the woods." I realize the truth to his words, but the implications seem too big to understand just now. "You certainly never do when you're alone with me."
"I wasn't alone with Peeta in the assembly room," I mutter, in lieu of a better response. "And he's funny. So what?"
"A lot funnier than I am, evidently."
"Yeah, well seeing as how you only crack a joke once a year…" I sigh heavily, desolately, and stare out into nothing. "Gale, why is it that since we became boyfriend and girlfriend we haven't been able to get along well at all?"
"Are you honestly asking me that?" he says exasperatedly. He snorts and shakes his head. "I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I've been the perfect boyfriend, or that our difficulties haven't been partially my fault, but you haven't tried, Katniss. Not really. I feel you made up your mind almost right away that you want me at arm's length, and that you've made little to no effort to making things work between us." He swallows. "And you can say what you want, but Peeta Mellark's appearance on the scene sure seemed to push you farther from me."
"Gale," I complain, pressing three fingers to my brow. I draw a deep breath and decide to drop the subject of Peeta. This is not about him. It's never been about him. As he once said to me, if I want to be with Gale with all my heart then there's nothing Peeta, or any other boy, can do to change that. But if I don't want a future with marriage to Gale and a score of kids, I wouldn't need Peeta or any other boy to keep us from ending up together. "Let's be honest with one another," I say instead. "I do love you. Obviously not the way you need me to, but I do love you." I tilt my head slightly and look at him unhappily, admitting the truth to myself as I put it into words for him. "But we're not making each other happy. We were far happier as friends than we've ever been as a couple." I gently squeeze his arm, giving him a sad look as I speak to him in soft tones. "Maybe we're just not a good match romantically, or maybe we've rushed into things far too hastily…"
"Rushed into things?" he echoes in disbelief. "Most couples who have been dating for as long as we have, have slept together."
"Is that all that matters to you?" I ask, somehow managing to keep my voice calm. "Sex with me? Even when I'm not ready? Even when I've told you I don't ever intend on having it, for fear of ending up with children?"
"It's not about the sex," he argues. "It's about the reason why you don't want to have it. Which has nothing to do with babies." A sadness comes over his face, and a resignation. As if he too is finally realizing where we stand. "If you wanted me, the way that I want you, then you would be willing to find a way around conception. You haven't even tried to do that."
"No…" I agree after a second. "No. I haven't, have I?"
Silence falls between us, and there's nothing comfortable about it. I take the opportunity in that moment to truly ransack my feelings, once and for all. I want so badly to be in love with Gale, but at the same time it's like I can't help bucking every time there's an opportunity for us to grow closer. I keep longing back to the way things before, not longing for what might be in the future. I'm petrified of losing him as a friend, but all these past few months have been is that friendship seeming to fall to pieces more and more. Then there's Peeta. There's a reason his name keeps coming up all the time, and there's no denying he matters to me. Do I want to date him? I'm not sure. I'm not sure I want to date anyone at all, if I am to be completely honest with myself. But if that is to happen, that I'm nobody's girlfriend anymore, then I will lose Gale. And that thought frightens me very much. Have I put us in the position of our friendship being ruined because I said yes to dating? I agreed to it because I hoped I would come to reciprocate his feelings, and if that had happened then I would have won so much, provided I had found the courage to commit. As things stand, all I seem to be doing is losing.
"Come," says Gale finally, walking over to the log again with a sigh. "Sit with me. And let's not leave this glade until we've figured out where we stand, once and for all. We can't keep going at it like this."
Nodding in agreement I walk up and sit down beside him, trembling from fright and uncomfortableness. But it's time to grab the bull by its horns and figure all of this out. Tonight we won't be able to go our separate ways without knowing exactly where we stand.
I open the front door carefully and move inside the house, closing the door quietly behind me. I'm not sure why. It's later than I anticipated but not so late that Prim will have gone to bed, particularly not when she's waiting for me. I can't seem to figure out if I want to see her right now or if I don't want to see anybody. My mind and my heart are confused by what happened out at the glade and I feel strangely indifferent to it. Moving through the house I know I have to pass through the sitting room in order to reach the bedroom and I can hear the sounds from the television, implying that Prim is on the couch watching something. I won't be able to sneak past her. Indeed I only get a few steps into the room before she turns her head and sees me.
Her face falls, then morphs into a look of concern. I wonder what my own face must look like, that she can read so plainly that something has happened.
"Oh Katniss…" she breathes. "What is it? What's wrong?"
With that, the indifference goes away, and I start to cry, my face scrunching up, my mouth twisting into a grimace. I look away and warp my arms around myself, opening my mouth to answer her but unable to produce anything but a trembling, sobbing exhale. Prim leaps to her feet, turns the television off and hurries up to me, her arms wrapping around me. I wrap my arms around her in return, gladly accepting the comfort she's offering me. I cry into her hair, feeling so full of disappointment and worry and grief. This, on the day when I was supposed to be celebrating and having a good time.
"What happened?" asks Prim in a whisper, her hand rubbing my back.
I'm able to pull myself together enough to give an answer without blubbering.
"Gale. We broke up."
"Oh, sis…"
She pulls away from the embrace and takes me by the hand, leading me into the bedroom. Buttercup is having a rest on the middle of the bed and for once she shoos him away, making sure I have ample room to sit. I crawl up on the bed and lean my back against the wall, taking the pillow Prim offers me and hugging it, my chin resting on top of it. Prim sits beside me, closer to the edge of the bed, her hand stroking my leg in a comforting manner. Her eyes are glued to me and full of concern and sympathy. It occurs to me that my fourteen-year-old sister probably has more experience with these situations than I do, having no doubt been there for friends who've dumped or been dumped this past year.
"What happened?" she asks again, now that I'm calmer. "I mean, I would have thought… You guys just seemed so…"
"We want different things," I say with a sigh, although it's far too simplified an explanation. A strange new thought occurs to me and brings a scowl on my face. "For such a long time I've thought of Gale and me as birds of a feather, and in many ways I think we are. But maybe that's the problem. It's hard to compromise with someone so much like you when it comes to things we don't agree on." I scoff. "For one, neither one of us likes to budge an inch."
"It doesn't have to make it hard to compromise," says Prim carefully. "I don't think that's your problem with Gale, Katniss. If two people love each other they'll find ways, they'll make concessions. If anything I think the more alike you are the easier compromise should be."
I give her a long look, almost feeling the urge to smile despite my sadness.
"When did my baby sister become so wise?"
She looks bashful and tugs at the ends of her hair with the hand that's not resting on my leg. Then her eyes light up.
"You know what? I just got a great idea!" She gets off the bed and moves for the door. "You just stay here, and I'll be right back. Baby sister's wise heartache cure!"
I force a smile, immediately letting it vanish from my face when she's out of sight. I lean my head back against the wall and sigh heavily, a few stray tears falling down my face. I don't know what to do now. I've lost Gale. There's no other way to put it. This is exactly what I was afraid of this whole time and it actually feels even worse than I had anticipated. I was never fully relaxed during our period of dating, always waiting for a bad ending I guess, but there were definitely things I liked about us being together. I liked the idea of loving him. I liked the feeling of being part of a different kind of partnership. And even though I didn't feel sparks when we touched and kissed the sensations themselves weren't unpleasant. It was a kind of physical contact I hadn't experienced before, and I liked it, both the feeling of togetherness it brought and how validated I felt having a nice, handsome boy wanting to kiss me and touch me. All those things were new elements between Gale and me and now they are gone, just like our friendship. Just like our hunting together. Just like the trust we've built over the years.
I hear a creak as Prim gives the door a push and I open my eyes, seeing her walk inside the room with a small tray in her hands. She's got two mugs with what looks to be steaming hot tea and she's got Peeta's bread. I'm not in the mood for either, but she looks so pleased with herself that I fake another smile and tell her that it was a great idea.
"Just like we said we'd do when you got back home," she says, climbing up on the bed beside me.
"Right," I nod, forcing a smile. I wrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her closer for a moment, revelling in her presence. I love these moments, the ones when she's still my sweet, innocent kid sister, still a child. While I don't expect Prim's personality to change as she grows into adulthood I know some things will be left behind and new traits will come to light. I will cherish and hold on to the little girl in her for as long as it still remains.
"So are you terribly heartbroken?" asks Prim after a few minutes, sounding concerned.
"Well that's the thing…" With a sigh I brush a loose strand of hair away from my face. "I'm not, really. Not in the sense that I… Prim, I was really hoping I could fall in love with him. That we could be that perfect match everyone seems to think we are. That I could save our friendship from deteriorating by upgrading it to a romance." I shrug unhappily. "But I couldn't. I've spent months now trying to tell myself that I don't know for sure how I feel about him yet but looking back I think I knew deep down all along. I love him, as a friend, but I'm never going to be in love with him. My heart doesn't flutter at the thought of him, his presence doesn't take my breath away, I've never longed for him to kiss me. I don't long to see him in that counting-the-minutes sort of way you're supposed to when you feel that way about someone. In the end…" I draw a shaky breath and shake my head briefly, forcing a smile. "But my heart is broken. I've lost him, Prim. I've lost my best friend, and what is worse, I really hurt his feelings."
"Gale's a smart man," argues Prim, her soft hand resting reassuringly on mine. "He will understand. He just needs some time."
"No." I shake my head. "You should have heard the things he said to me at the end…"
"Things he said in the heat of the moment."
"No," I repeat, again shaking my head. "No, Prim, he meant it. Every last word. That I lead him on. That I made him think he stood a chance, when deep down I knew that I could never love him that way." My voice drops to a whisper. "That I used him."
"But you just said that you very much wanted to fall in love with him," maintains Prim. "Even if he meant what he said, that doesn't mean he's right."
I'm crying again now, but through my tears I find myself laughing a little.
"You really are my wise little sister." I wipe away some of the tears, set my slice of bread down on the tray and wrap my arms around her. "Thank you, Prim. For being the best little sister anyone could ever have."
"You're the best sister," she answers, hugging me back, her half-eaten piece of bread still in one hand. "And don't worry, Katniss. This, too, will pass. If Gale is truly your friend, he will forgive you. You will work things out."
I pull back and wipe away more tears, sniffing before I speak.
"Sadly, that's not really true. Once you bring romantic love into the equation, once hearts are broken… I don't know if there is any coming back from that. But I have only myself to blame if I've lost Gale forever."
A week goes by, the strangest one I've ever known. There's no school anymore, ever. There's no Gale in my life anymore. Ever? While my heart may not be broken in the romantic sense of the word, I walk around mourning the friendship that I destroyed and feeling devastated that I hurt Gale to the extent that I did. He told me to stay away from him for a while, never specifying for how long. I have no other choice but to comply. The house seems so eerily quiet with Prim not at home – seniors graduate in early June, everyone else still goes to school until the month of July. There's only me and my mother at home during the days, and I refuse to talk to her about what has happened.
But before I have time to think, or feel, too much, the annual Reaping rolls around. The 76th one, my very last no matter how things turn out. And a day or two after the break-up I'm not even sure which part of the anguished coil in my belly has to do with losing Gale, and which part has to do with the dreaded day when I will stand there and for the last time hope in desperation that my name won't be called.
And so the day finally arrives. A beautiful day in June, and I long and itch to be out in the woods, to go through my usual routines and prepare as best I can. But Gale might be there, and I promised him I would stay away for now. Running into him would only make the burning knot in my stomach ache worse, and I don't want to risk it. So I stay at home, pacing around the house, driving both my mother and my sister crazy with my restlessness. Prim has her own nerves and her own demons to face, and I shouldn't make things worse for her, so eventually I flee outside, taking refuge in Lady's pen. The goat couldn't care less about my presence, but she also couldn't care less about my nerves, so in the end I guess it works out okay. I have to run to the bathroom about five times, but other than that I stay outside until Mother calls me into the house to take a bath and get myself ready.
As always, the area around the Justice building is bustling with people and the mood is sombre and tensed. Prim and I arrive hand in hand, hers squeezing mine so hard that it hurts a little, and I hear myself mumbling words of comfort and encouragement to her as we stand in line to be signed in. Once we've accomplished that step we hug each other tight and go our separate ways, me at the group at the very front and Prim somewhere in the middle.
The ceremony begins. Effie Trinket arrives. My heart is drumming so hard in my chest I can barely hear a word being spoken, and I've been through this so many times by now that I know each line by heart, and so I barely pay attention to a word.
That is, until Effie struts towards the Reaping Balls and utters the magic words.
"As usual – ladies first."
It's true what Gale said. I have not been so nervous for my own sake since my first Reaping. Effie's hand reaches into the Reaping Ball and the usual prayer runs on repeat through my mind.
"Not Prim. Not me. Not Prim. Not me. Not Prim. Not me. Not Prim."
It's neither one of us.
It's Madge Undersee.