If I Lose Myself

by EMPG22HoPe

Chapter Nineteen: Astoria

June 1997

Astoria had never felt more relieved to be returning to Hogwarts after the Easter holidays. She always did like coming back home at every opportunity there was possible because it would mean seeing her parents again. Now, she only wished to be as far away from them—specifically her mother—as humanly possible.

As soon as she came back from the holidays, she spent most of her free time in the library or the Black Lake reading through all the books she had purchased at Diagon Alley regarding her curse. She went so far as to buy dark arts books, books on healing uncommon wizarding illnesses—and even resorted a little trip to Knockturn Alley to buy a specific book—Magick Moste Evile—since none of the Professors were willing to let her borrow the book from the Restricted Section before Easter.

Literature, for once, had failed Astoria as she had found little to no semblance of ancestral illnesses from the book. She came across the word blood malediction, but it was only briefly mentioned before it was swept aside by another topic. A part of her felt that must have been it, or at least related to what she was going through, but that would mean a great deal of getting another book to find its full reference and ideologies. Fate, it would seem, liked to play tricks with her now that she was so close to figuring out what's been going on with her.

Never in her life had she been more desperately curious about her illness than she was now.

Then there was still the matter of Aunt Cress's second vial to which—since her unexpected downtrodden from the Headmaster's office—Astoria had not been able to view just yet. She had tried several times to get an audience with the Headmaster, but the great wizard seemed to be more occupied these days; much to Astoria's dismay. Although it was not to say that she had completely given up. Patience was a virtue highly required, despite her lack thereof now that she had some clue, some semblance of the reason behind her "weak immune system".

When Astoria entered a corridor after having left the library for dinner, she heard a loud crash from the end of the hall. A few girls from her year screeched and tumbled their way towards her, running away from something… until she saw it was someone.

Peeves cackled happily as he shot one dungbomb after another at the girls. As the last student rushed past her, Astoria looked up to find the poltergeist floating above her.

"Causing trouble again are we, Peeves?" Astoria asked calmly, a small smirk gracing her lips. She wasn't terrified of Peeves like most of the students. Peeves played little pranks on her, though from the last time she's seen the poltergeist—he had been pestering her during her drunken stupor after Slughorn's Christmas Party.

"The usual, ickle-little Astoria!" Peeves hollered delightfully, playing with a piece of dungbomb in his hand. "Where's your boyfriend? Ain't here to save you now, is he?"

Astoria's cheeks flushed. "He's not—"

"Works for me!" Peeves interrupted. Astoria only had a split second decision to dodge as soon as Peeves pelted the dungbomb towards her. She screeched, missing the putrid ball by a hair before she ran the other way to where the girls that Peeves had been pestering earlier went off.

"Honestly! Is. This. Necessary!" Astoria screeched from behind her as she rushed to one corridor after another, Peeves tailing from behind with a resounding laugh. She jeered for a twist in the corridor and bolted into the first door she found. Pushing into the room, she heaved and turned to shut the door behind her.

Peeves's laughter echoed down the corridors, calling out for Astoria in a terrible sing-song voice. Astoria's heart raced with her back to the door. She then jumped in surprise when she realized where she was and who she was facing.

She had apparently, and embarrassedly so, entered one of the boys' bathroom. And standing erect with shock, face damp and looking pale before her was Draco.

They stared at each other stiffly, not quite sure what to do with each other. Only when Astoria heard Peeves's voice diminish down the corridor did she move her back off the door to take a step forward.

"I'm sorry, I was just, er, Peeves—" Astoria paused briefly, watching as Draco wiped the sweat and tears off his face with the back of his shirt's sleeves. She slackened from her stiff front in worry. "Draco, are you alright?"

"I'm fine." Draco replied sharply, sniffling as he held onto the sink. "What are you even doing here, Greengrass? This is the boys' bathroom."

"I know, but," Astoria replied softly before taking another step forward, brows furrowed as she reached out to him. "Draco, is there something wrong? Please, you can tell me."

"I don't need you!" Draco snapped impatiently, grey eyes burning with hatred. Astoria flinched, feeling a bit of herself fall apart at his anger. Draco suddenly looked as if he regretted his outburst before turning his back on her, looking down into the sink as if to find it the most interesting thing in the room. She felt herself in tears when she heard Draco let out a soft sob. "Just go away, Astoria. Please."

Astoria didn't do as she was told. Instead, she stood before his back, watching him snivel through the mirror. She placed a hand on his shoulder gently, making Draco quiver as though he had just been burned. But she let her hand stay there, trying to fumble for the right words to say.

The last time she had seen Draco, he was being dragged by Professor Snape all bloodied and slashed up in all places towards the hospital wing. Astoria felt as if the world had fallen apart at the sight of him completely bruised. She had been in the middle of another argument with Pansy at that time, but then it hadn't mattered to either of them when they saw how Draco looked. She had to stop herself from going into the hospital wing further then, realizing what she should be doing—which was to avoid Draco just as he had simply wished to avoid her.

But that didn't stop her from visiting him. Sometimes, she found it hard to have him alone because Pansy or some of his friends were always there. The one time she managed to successfully do so was so early in the morning that breakfast had not even started yet. He was soundly asleep that time, his bedside—gratefully—empty and Madame Pomfrey had just told her—with much reluctance after seeing a student so early out of bed—that he'd be released the next day.

Astoria had brought him a colorful bouquet of asters, replacing the wilting green pansies from the vase on his bedside table. To make his bedside livelier, she charmed the asters to dance and sway happily. The asters meant a great deal to give to him—as if to tell him that she promises to be patient with him, patient with the things he couldn't tell her to save her, even though she didn't know when they would ever have a proper conversation again. She felt herself responsible for that time in Hogsmeade, and hoped to make it up to him—but she could never quite string the right words to do so; and so, she did through her gift.

She stayed in the hospital wing for an hour or so, just sitting by his side and brushing his blonde locks off his face. As he slept, she couldn't help but notice how troubled he looked. His usual sneering frown looked as if it had been permanently etched on his face. He tossed and turned in bed too, as if experiencing a bad nightmare. He had gained some considerably notable scars from his injury—a dark spell, they told her—but it didn't make him any less handsome to her.

Draco looked as troubled now as he did in his sleep. His body wracked with sobs, eyes shut tight while tears streamed down from his face to the basin before him.

Astoria felt like crying with him, but held herself back. She had to be strong for him. Her hand squeezed his shoulder gently. "Draco, it's okay. It's going to be okay."

"It's not," Draco whimpered, opening his eyes to stare at her through the mirror. The pair of them looked completely contrasted. Astoria looked every bit of light and Draco; every bit of pale darkness. "It's never going to be okay. I can't do it. I can't… but I have to… I need to or he'll…"

"He'll what?" Astoria edged gently, her other hand reaching out instinctively to his left arm. Draco winced but did nothing. "Draco, it's okay. You can tell me."

Draco slowly slid himself to the ground, heaving large breaths as Astoria followed him down. He sat with his back against the sink's cupboard, Astoria seated quietly beside him.

Never in her life had she seen Draco this vulnerable. She had always seen him as this superior Slytherin, ordering people around and always having that air of confidence to him. Seeing him the way he is now, she felt as though she had just unearthed something that's gone missing for centuries. It was all new to her, but that did not stop her from staying by his side; holding onto him gently as though afraid he might crumble under her grasp.

"There's a reason why I had to stop being around people… being around Blaise and Pansy… being around Crabbe and Goyle… you…" Draco started as he stared at the floor before turning to her. His grey eyes were now red from all his tearful crying. He went on. "I think you already know… or at least suspect… why… why do you think… why do you think I've been like this?"

Astoria thought about it for a moment. Nothing could terrify Draco, or any person, truly, more than the Dark Lord. It seemed to be the only reasonable explanation to her—for Lucius's imprisonment in Azkaban, the dreadful reputation that the Malfoys now harbor—it seemed a great feat of disaster for Draco. But she couldn't be so sure.

"Is it because of your father?" Astoria asked carefully, meeting his gaze patiently. "His being in Azkaban? Is that what's worrying you?"

Draco looked placid for a moment before nodding. "A part of it, yes. But it's much bigger than that, much more complicated. I want to tell you about it. All of it. Believe me, I do. But it's risking my life, my family's life… yours. I just don't want you to get all tied up in this. You deserve better than that."

"There is nothing that you could have done or will ever do that would make me think any less of you." Astoria said, her hand slowly reaching out for his own this time. A start, she thought to herself. But she needed to be patient. She promised herself that for him. "Maybe… maybe you don't have to tell me all of it. You can just tell me what little you can, or nothing at all. I don't want to push you. Not anymore. I just…"

Astoria sighed deeply. "I just want to be by your side through every struggle you're going through. Draco, I'm your friend."

The side of Draco's lips rose just a bit, as if to find the very concept of them being friends humorous when they both knew it might have escalated to just being that simple little word. But Astoria meant every word of it.

Draco shook his head this time before pulling his knees to his chest. He stared at the stone floor, looking as if he was trying to level his breath for something more human-sounding than the gut-wrenching grunts and sobs that came from him.

"The Dark Lord came to the manor this summer." Draco started, glancing at her briefly, momentarily gouging for her reaction, before turning his gaze back to the floor—where he let his arms fall freely. Astoria remained neutral looking, trying hard not to tremble in fear of the mention of You-Know-Who. "He's asked me to do something, but I can't tell anyone what; not even my mother. If I do it, accomplish the mission—he'll forgive my father, my family. And if I don't…"

Astoria feared to hear what would happen if Draco didn't do as he was told. It struck her now how much it made sense. But it broke her heart, nevertheless, to hear it. Draco was still so young; and asked to do a task—doubtful that it would be a kind one—under the threat of his family's life and his was immensely cruel. It made her wonder what the Dark Lord could have possibly asked Draco to do that would have been causing him this much trouble—the lack of sleep, the distance from the people that care about him. She could only imagine the worst.

But she stayed true to her word about staying with him through anything, and so she placed her hand on top of his on the floor before filling the spaces between his fingers with hers.

"I'm sorry," Astoria's voice was barely above a whisper, as she was still grounded speechless from the revelation that Draco had just pronounced. "I didn't know. I shouldn't have… I shouldn't have even asked…" She trailed off, barely meeting his gaze this time as embarrassment and guilt overwhelmed her.

She felt the matter too personal for Draco to share to anyone, and yet—he had just told her. It must have meant a great deal to tell her, because she could feel him staring at her; waiting for some sort of advice, Astoria reckoned. But what advice could you give to a boy that was too terrified for his life to do nothing but do what he was asked by the Dark Lord?

"Is it so bad?" Astoria asked carefully, trying to put two and two together. It can't be that terrible of a task, wouldn't it? Surely, there was some bit of mercy. After all, Draco is just a boy. Even Astoria couldn't have possibly done what she was asked if she knew the severity of it. But then again, she might have done it if it meant to save her family's life.

Draco didn't say anything for a moment. Silence filled the restroom save for the sound of the Black Lake's waters splashing against the castle's walls. But when he did, he said the words barely above a whisper that Astoria had to lean in to hear him.

"Let's just say you wouldn't look at me the same way if you knew what it was. And how I need to do it. I don't have a choice." Draco pressed the last word as if hoping he did have one—but Astoria thought his other options were thin at this point in time. "He wants it done soon, and fast. He wants it done in front of his other Death Eaters… for proof…"

Suddenly, Draco hiked up the sleeve of his shirt off his left arm. Astoria only had a moment to look before a gasp escaped her lips. Gleaming menacingly black on his left arm was a skull protruding a great snake from its mouth. It danced dangerously against Draco's skin, as though delighted to have been revealed.

Anyone with a pair of eyes would have screamed at the sight of it.

Death Eaters were prime evil, though they were child's play compared to their leader, the Dark Lord himself. They were marked for their following, and had always reigned terror on everything muggle-related. Their reign along with the Dark Lord was to take over the world by storm, seeing muggles as nothing but scum compared to those who truly, purely, possess magic. Astoria has read far too many history books to know the kind of people they are.

And yet, she thought, was Draco truly capable of doing what Death Eaters do?

"He made you a Death Eater?" Astoria asked bluntly, her voice shaking as she stared at the Dark Mark on Draco's arm fretfully. Her eyes quickly darted towards his, and felt embarrassed for having asked the question so loud when the answer had been completely obvious. Her hold on his hand had not slackened—in fact, it seemed to have tightened now that he had shown her his Dark Mark.

"In the summer," Draco nodded, lips pursed before shoving the sleeve back down; looking disgusted. He sniffed before looking at her once more. "He came to the manor and told me that he wanted me in his army—officially, because my father was one; why shouldn't I be?"

Astoria thought he didn't need to be like his father. She always believed him to be a better man than him.

"I was proud to be chosen." Draco admitted gruffly, barely tearing his gaze from her. "It meant I could restore my family's honor. It meant that by joining the Death Eaters, I would make my father proud. And that every transgression my father's done—failing the Department of Mysteries mission—would be forgiven. I didn't even mind what I needed to do, even more so when I heard what I had to."

"But then the school year came, and I paraded that pride with me to Crabbe, Goyle, Blaise, Pansy… They seemed to think me superior, and I wanted that. I wanted all of it, until I couldn't prove to earn all of it. I started resorting to methods that would quicken the blow… The cursed necklace… the poisoned mead…"

This time, Astoria's eyes widened fearfully—realizing that all that had happened to those students… Katie's admission to St. Mungo's, Ron Weasley's bed rest in the hospital wing… had all been because of Draco. But surely he wasn't targeting them specifically? She could understand Draco having something against Ron, who was Harry Potter's best friend. But Katie Bell? It didn't make sense if the target had meant to be them. Maybe it had meant to be for someone else…

"I thought maybe it'd be quicker. I thought maybe I didn't have to go through the whole process right in front of his other Death Eaters. But it seems to be the only option I have left… I have… I have no other choice." Draco ended bitterly, a sob escaping his lips once more before shutting his eyes tight, snapping his hand away from her touch and leaning his head against his knees; hiding himself away from her. "You shouldn't be here, Astoria. You shouldn't be around me. You wouldn't want to be if you find out who I have to… what I have to…"

Draco couldn't finish for he was now drowning himself in tears, in complete self-loathing. Astoria's heart ached dreadfully. She hated seeing him like this, hated hearing him say that she shouldn't be around him because of what he has to do.

A part of her had considered it for a moment as he spoke—considered avoiding him. But there was always some bigger part of her that wanted to stay. Because if no one wanted to stay with the boy who didn't have a choice, who was already regretting his moment of weakness to have everything forgiven, then who will?

Astoria couldn't imagine how unforgiving and lonely the answer might be.

As Draco sobbed, Astoria scooted closer and wrapped an arm around his shoulder—letting him into her warmth. Supposing this an invitation, Draco moved to cry convulsively against her shoulder. This time, Draco sought to hold her hand once more, tighter this time, as though holding onto her was the last thing that was tethering him to this earth… perhaps the last thing that's tethering him to his morality…

"You know what's right from wrong, Draco." Astoria whispered softly as she ran gentle fingers through his blonde locks. "Whatever you have to do, whoever it is… I will stand by you. But Draco…"

She pulled aside for a moment to make him look at her. His grey eyes were red once more, but they softened considerably when Astoria's hand—who had previously been stroking his hair—landed gently against his damp cheeks.

"If you can… if you can resist in any way, for whatever reason, at least… perhaps… please try to. I feel like you don't want to do it anymore, but you need to in order to protect your family. I don't know what he wants you to do, but I know it can't be good. If there's even… a semblance of a few short minutes to stop yourself, to resist doing it; give yourself that privilege. You owe it to yourself to do that. You are not a bad person, Draco."

Draco choked as he leaned into her touch. His skin was so deathly cold, similar to that of a corpse—but Astoria did little to pull away. If anything, she felt the need for more touch by pressing her forehead against his; allowing him the warmth he so desperately needs.

They stayed like that for a long while. Draco, letting out every little frustration he seemed to have been holding back all these months. Astoria, allowing him to use her as a tether to what little sanity he had left. It seemed an eternity of them being stuck that way, but it meant a great deal of comfort for both parties. Astoria, especially, for she could now hear him calming down to dry sobs.

"Would you forgive me if I do it?" Draco asked weakly, meeting her close gaze. "Even if I gave myself that resistance… that few short moments of clarity and it doesn't work… Would you still look at me the way you do now? Knowing what I've done… what I had to do…"

Astoria smiled at him sadly as she caressed his cheek gently. Her emotions were running high now, and could only give him the most honest answer she could ever possibly, vulnerably, say to anyone.

"I would still look at you the way I do now no matter what you do. But I'm holding onto that hope that you don't have to do it… not because you think yourself a coward or that you're weak… but because you're human, and you know what you must do… no matter what it is." Astoria pledged softly, tears now streaming down the length of her cheeks.

"Forgive me." Draco begged shakily.

Astoria sighed softly, pulling Draco in now that he hid his face in the crook of her neck. If she could hide him from the world, if she could give him that moment of silence to ponder, to think for himself, she would. It seemed that she would have given anything to make it all better, even if she knew that her help could only be so limited. But it was better to provide something, give him some semblance of hope, than nothing at all.

"I already have." Astoria whispered her promise.

AN: I am incredibly sorry once more for putting this out extremely late! I've just been so busy with school work since my college graduation is three months away so I rarely have the time to write for If I Lose Myself. With that being said, after the 20th Chapter, I will be taking a semi-hiatus from writing this fanfic. Chapter 20 pretty much finishes off the first part of this fanfic, and the second part is currently in the works. But with last minute requirements for graduation, it might take a while before Part 2 of If I Lose Myself is released. I truly hope you all understand and I'm so sorry!

Updates after Chapter 20 will resume on April 2018.

Nevertheless, I hope you've all enjoyed this chapter! Please let me know what you think of it in the reviews section below and give this a follow/favorite to receive more updates on the story.

Till' next week,
EMPG22HoPe