If I Lose Myself
by EMPG22HoPe

Chapter Twenty-Two: Draco

August 1997

The first letter Draco received from Astoria was dated on the fourth of July. Draco had not been at Malfoy Manor when the letter arrived by owl. His aunt Bellatrix was the one that had received the letter for him and did little with her discretion of tearing the letter open herself. She set him on edge, his aunt.

He had been at Spinner's End with his mother and Severus Snape, staying out of sight from the Ministry a week after Dumbledore's funeral had transpired at Hogwarts until Bellatrix came to escort them back to the manor after the place had been given all manner of protective spells. But Malfoy Manor was no longer home to Draco since, because the Dark Lord had used his home as headquarters to his number of most trusted Death Eaters; all sinister enough to taint the ancient and most noble halls of his home.

July 4th, 1997

Dearest Draco,

I do not know where to start. But I suppose I should start by saying that I hope that you're alright, that you're still alive and safe somewhere with your mother. The Ministry has a price on you and Professor Snape's head. You cannot imagine how it pains me to see it. I've prayed to just about every higher being that you are far from all that's happening.

I also do not know if the rumors of your involvement in Professor Dumbledore's demise are true. There are far too many sides of the story right now, and everyone is still devastatingly confused. A part of me is hoping that you didn't have his blood on your hands. I pray Professor Snape saved you that trouble, or whichever way has happened.

Whether you did it or not, I still stand by what I said to you not long ago. There is nothing that you could have done or will ever do that would make me think any less of you.

Please keep safe.

All my love,
Astoria

Draco held on to that letter as though it was the only thing that tethered him to the earth, to any semblance of human sanity that's still left in him.

The second letter arrived during the week when Draco and his mother finally returned to Malfoy Manor. He made quick haste to meet any owl that came by the manor, despite Avery being on owl-post duty. Draco managed to snatch the familiar insignia of the Greengrass crest waxed letter before Avery could even bat an eye. It arrived only moments after one of the meetings in the manor's common room. Too much has happened in that room since his arrival. That is, to say, so many people have died there at the hands of the Dark Lord himself or several Death Eaters. That day was the second time he'd seen someone die. It was one of the Death Eaters by the name of Baddock. Draco did little to listen to the reason for the poor man's death by You-Know-Who's hand. But whatever it was, he felt certain that the man did not deserve it.

July 11th, 1997

Dearest Draco,

My family and I have fled to France. Many of the pure-bloods are questioning our allegiance, but my parents don't seem to give a care at this point. I haven't even told them about leaving Britain when they've pulled me and Daphne out of the school the morning after Dumbledore's death. I'm sending this letter to you from France.

I desperately hope that you're okay. Please write back, or send me a sign that you are, in fact, alright. I'm very worried about you.

All my love,
Astoria

All he wanted to do was to write back, but it was too risky. He would be exposing Astoria to the troubles that he's going through and he knew better than to tell her. She deserved better than that, as she deserves so much and more.

Merlin, he couldn't even write to Blaise or Pansy; or any of his friends, at this point. The Dark Lord would not allow him and his family. Despite Draco's involvement in helping with Dumbledore's death, he was given little privileges in his own home—which was all the more disrespect. But the Dark Lord could give a damn about respecting the home of one of the most prominent pure-bloods. Despite the times, the Malfoys were already tainted on both sides; only clinging to the one his father, Lucius, who had just escaped Azkaban earlier that month with all the other Death Eaters imprisoned during the battle in the Department of Mysteries, felt would be merciful in keeping them alive… for now.

The third letter arrived a day after Draco witnessed Charity Burbage's—the Muggle Studies professor that he merely passed by in the school halls—death for simply teaching the very subject alone.

It rattled him to receive Astoria's third letter. He had considered writing back to her to tell her to stop writing. If they knew of Astoria, if even one of the Death Eaters find out about her; they would hunt her down. Not that the Greengrasses weren't already so wrongly implicated in the Dark Lord's eyes for fleeing to France. But if they knew of his association to her, it would have both of their heads on the chopping block.

July 17th, 1997

Dearest Draco,

France is lonely, and despite how safe it might be, I cannot bear to go to Beauxbatons in the middle of an impending war. Daphne's engagement to Theo has been delayed since the Notts are so highly involved with the Dark Lord. It didn't sit quite well with my parents, who prefer to stay neutral. It's taking me some time to accept neutrality after reading everything that's happening in Britain through the Daily Prophet.

Draco, please be careful. Whatever the Dark Lord is making you do… I simply can't imagine… I cannot blame you for the actions you must do from here on out. Because if it were me, if I were being truly honest, I… I would have done the same.

But there is always a third option, one that pleases both sides. I just haven't figured out what it is.

I will let you know when I do. Please be safe.

All my love,
Astoria

Draco's loyalty was later tested that very day. Rookwood had given false information to the whereabouts of Alastor Moody, who the Dark Lord had been desperate to capture since the man had vital information to Potter's move from his muggle home. Though it's not to say it was completely Rookwood's fault, since he had unknowingly tortured someone in the Ministry for information who was actually an undercover for the Order of the Phoenix, giving Rookwood a false trail.

That was the first day he was asked to torture a person with the Cruciatus curse, just as he had for many months at a time on some measly animal during his Occlumency practices with Aunt Bellatrix. To cast the curse, he would have to mean it. But he had nothing against Rookwood. He had nothing against anyone except the Dark Lord. So he thanked his lucky stars that the nose-less bastard couldn't read past him now, for he imagined torturing Voldemort himself—causing the curse to have its full effect on Rookwood.

The cries of the man he tortured still echoed within his nightmares to this day.

The fourth and final letter he received from Astoria was the day after the Death Eaters had attempted to seize Harry Potter during the precise date of his move to the safe house. There were cries of pain and disembodied voices everywhere a floor down as he hid in his room that day, away from all the unforgiving cries of misery as he read through the fine, cursive letters of Astoria's letter. The smell of parchment mixed with her scented perfume of vanilla was a momentary rapture against the sadistic maltreatment of the Dark Lord towards his own followers.

July 28th, 1997

Dearest Draco,

I am so terrified. I'm not hurt in any way! I'm simply terrified of what's to come. I don't know when I'll ever see Hogwarts or you again. There's too much darkness these days that it's hard to keep up with what little light is left. It seems that even the greatest of hope can be easily crushed.

But not mine. Not my hope that we will cross paths again. Not my hope that beats with the possibility of your survival. Not my hope that one day this would all be over soon. Alas, we and the world truly have a long way to go.

Know that I think of you every day and that I miss you dearly. I can only wish for the days for when we said everything to little to nothing at the Astronomy tower. The memories seem ages ago, but it still remains one of the fondest I hold on to.

Please be safe. And don't lose hope. As Dumbledore would say, "Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."

All my love,
Astoria

Draco now wished she had written to him more after that last letter. It was either she had completely given up on him or that she was captured and being tortured somewhere. He greatly feared the latter, but was given the most merciful of relief everyday whenever he doesn't see her walking into the large drawing room doors to meet her doom before the Dark Lord.

Every time he was asked to hurt someone, he held onto Astoria's letters—as if hoping they were secretly portkeys that would take him away from his wretched life. When he was forced to torture Rowle for letting Potter, Granger and Weasley get away in that muggle coffee shop; he thought of torturing Voldemort once more and slithered back to his hole to sleep with her letters hidden under the covers of his pillows.

Astoria seemed to be the only person that he could hope and care to think of that wasn't family. She was his light; the beacon that still keeps him going during those dreadful and traumatizing times. If only she were here… and yet, Draco would have preferred her to be far… as far away from all of it as possible.

And his heart could not have broken more when the Death Eaters had finally taken over the Ministry; and soon, the requirement for all students to return to Hogwarts. If Astoria were still alive, that means she'd be going back to, not Hogwarts, but a slaughterhouse for muggle-borns and blood traitors. Draco wished he knew how to protect her from that, but he couldn't even protect himself even if he tried. What difference would it make if he did Astoria?

These days, it would seem that death would surely be kinder than anything that he was about to face.

September 1997

As per Ministry order, the Great Hall at Hogwarts was occupied to the brim with students. Draco couldn't help but feel pity and anger at the stupidity of some brave muggle-borns that dared to return. They hid behind their half-blood or pure-blood friends, making him wonder how they managed to slip through the muggle-born registry. Sometimes, he believed that Snape and the Carrows deliberately let them slip so that they can have the pleasure of torturing them in front of the other students.

There was a great change in staffing for the new school year. From being head of house, Severus Snape had become Headmaster at Hogwarts since the shift in the Ministry. Slytherin was now headed by the bumbling idiot of a professor Slughorn. For Snape's deputies, he just about hired callous murderers into Hogwarts by making Amycus and Alecto Carrow his right hand man and woman. He had to snort at the fact that Snape hadn't hired Greyback as staff if the Headmaster actually wished for more than just muggle-born murder in the halls of the school.

Apart from the disturbing changes in the school, what rattled him more was the fact that Astoria had returned to Hogwarts; along with her sister, Daphne. He knew as soon as Astoria entered the Prefect's compartment on the Hogwarts Express. They had only spared each other glances, but neither did anything to speak to the other as they were briefed by the Head Boy and Girl, Anthony Goldstein and Sue Li. To his surprise, neither of them seem to be Slytherins; but were nevertheless both proud Ravenclaws. After their briefing, Astoria was the first to rush out of the compartment. Whether she was avoiding him or not made his heart shrivel up. Was it because he hadn't written back to her?

The Greengrass sisters sat far apart in the Great Hall, rather unlike them, Draco observed. They were often seated together, if not always, but now—Daphne was situated next to Pansy whilst Astoria was far up the end of the table, conversing silently with Hestia and Flora Carrow and avoiding any sort of attention as she possibly could, despite the gleaming Prefect badge pinned on her chest.

Sometimes, he thought he caught Astoria's eye as he glanced at her every minute or so. Once, they stared at each other long enough for Astoria to send him a comforting smile. Though her lips wavered in fright, she still seemed a beacon of light in a sea of dull and terrified of people.

There were about fifteen first years to be sorted, all looking frightened as the Hat sorted them into houses. Any lucky pure-blood was sorted into Slytherin, but when a muggle-born had been sorted to Slytherin—the Carrows shoved the poor little girl into Hufflepuff despite the hat's wishes. Some of the professors were completely livid, but hadn't a say in it when Snape said nothing. Apparently, desecrating the school's history meant little to him.

The student body was then briefed with their new subjects. Muggle Studies were then compulsory subjects for all students, but instead of the wishy-washy tales of muggle and wizard peace—Alecto Carrow was to head the class with vile and derogatory information on how muggles were scum and that they were the higher beings. But that was merely child's play compared to Defense Against the Dark Arts. Or, that is to say, Dark Arts now headed by Amycus Carrow. Draco used to dabble finely on the dark arts, but he had a feeling he wouldn't know how to stomach the performance of it and more this year when his own person was nothing but a crumbling mess of trauma and stress.

After the less-than-caring speech of Severus Snape on certain rules and regulations—this part Draco didn't care to listen to—they were finally dismissed. As Prefect, Draco had a proclivity for causing immense chaos amongst the first years. However today, he left that job to Pansy; who reveled in the power she felt rightly possessed to by pushing the first years down the stairs towards the dungeons. Draco stood back, letting the other Prefects do their work. It's not like he valued the position much these days, let alone last year. He rather let the others have their fun.

The only person that seemed disinterested in causing mayhem amongst the Slytherin Prefects was Astoria. Some first years, however, were wise enough to stay behind and choose the more tolerant Prefect, Astoria—who seemed to be attempting to calm one of the children down from their crying. Draco stood a mere long chair away when he overheard their conversation.

"It's okay, Mary. You and the other girls can come with me. I won't hurt you." Astoria cooed at a young girl in blonde pigtails who sobbed fretfully after watching some of her fellow first years be pushed around by Pansy and the others.

A crowd of five first year Slytherins huddled around Astoria frightfully, but nodded nevertheless at her gentle sway. When Astoria finally managed to keep the young ones at bay, she began to lead them down to the dungeons. Draco soon followed suit, trying not to be too conspicuous as they made their way into the house common room.

Once the passage behind them came to a close, he stood back once more and watched as Astoria toured the lot to where their dormitories would be. By the time the first years felt comfortable enough with Astoria's reassurance, they bounded up some stairs before disappearing to their rooms. The common room was empty by the time the last trickling first years retired for the evening.

Astoria prompted for one of the cushions in the common room, stopping only when she finally turned to see him. There were a number of fretful emotions that crossed Astoria's features upon seeing him. Somehow, he was grateful to read relief most of all upon it.

"I thought you were out doing rounds with Pansy." Astoria started, clearing her throat as she rounded the cushion to meet him.

"Let Pansy and the others have their fun on that." Draco replied placidly before taking a seat on the cushion Astoria had intended to sit on. He looked up to her briefly before setting his gaze on the emerald flames that danced in the fireplace before him. "I saw you with those first years."

"They were terrified. Despite their pure blood and everything—I tried to tell them that their blood status would keep them safe. But these days… no one seems to be." Astoria lamented as she sat next to him, her gaze just as set on the flames as his. "Of course I didn't tell them that. I had to lie to them… give them some hope even if it was just for a fraction of a second… they're still so young."

"Quite like you to do that, give children a false sense of hope," Draco scoffed. "But I suppose it did shut them up to make them go to their rooms."

Silence befell them as they stared at the emerald fireplace. Unlike the usual comfortable silence he had gotten so used to in the past, this one felt rather tense—as though something unspoken needed to be said but was being held back for the sake of peace. Draco had a feeling it was his fault for it, of course. All those letters and he never even bothered to write back to her.

"Your letters," Draco finally blurted, perhaps an octave too high before he tried to sound more masculine as he looked at her. "I couldn't write back. I couldn't risk it, even just to send you a present on your birthday. If they knew of my connection to you, they'll try to use you against me. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if it were to happen."

Astoria nodded, still not looking at him. "I understand. I didn't even realize what it must have been like for you. I was being irrational, reckless, even. I'm so sorry, Draco." She croaked and shook her head, her bright green eyes brimming with tears before she turned to face him. "But I had to try. I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself if I hadn't. I-I thought you were dead."

Draco's heart lurched considerably, and without even thinking, he pulled her into his arms—allowing Astoria to sob tearfully onto his shoulder. He felt the need to cry as well, his eyes already welling up with tears; but he refused to let them fall. Instead, he held Astoria in his arms and clung to her as though she were the last bit of hope left on earth.

"I had terrible dreams… nightmares of what might have happened to you. I couldn't differentiate dream from reality because it all felt so real." Astoria sputtered between heavy sobs before pulling away. Her hands reached for his face, and the warmth of her touch brought him some semblance of peace despite her fretful declarations. "You could not imagine my relief when I saw you at the train. I wanted to… I wanted to talk to you, but there were too many people. I didn't want you to be implicated should they find you talking to me. I'm already a blood traitor in my own element. We can't… we can't…"

"We can't be around each other, I know," Draco said a little more harshly than he had intended. Astoria choked but nodded tiredly in reluctant agreement. He held her hands on his face, pulling them away so that he could fill the spaces between her fingers.

"Astoria, be careful. Please be careful. I know what you think of all of this, of what's to come. But promise me… promise me you won't give them any reason to hurt you. I can't protect you. I won't be able to. My word is nothing these days because my family is all but powerful enough to make commands."

It hurt him to say it—the very words that he had been holding back for so long.

I can't protect you.

The truth stung even more than when he thought of it in his head. But Astoria seemed to know, and even understand that truth because she was nodding fretfully as she cried. His eyes scanned the common room briefly, suddenly hearing footsteps bounding down the stairs. As if by instinct, they both pulled away from each other's touch—jumping spaces apart as Blaise Zabini entered the space.

Draco had not seen Blaise since the last time his friend visited him in the hospital wing. From what he's heard these days, Blaise's mother insisted on neutrality like the Greengrasses. But knowing his friend, he would always pick the winning side. At least, that's what he assumed Blaise would do.

Blaise seemed a lot less downtrodden than he had when he'd been grieving over losing Daphne to Theodore Nott. But after the rumors that circulated the delayed union, Blaise seemed a lot better now. He gained back the weight he had lost during his mooning, and he now seemed more upbeat—although there was still a hint of that ghostly look in his eyes, as though he would never get tired of being in pain.

"Don't stop on my account," Blaise drawled on playfully, crossing his arms on his chest as he stared at Draco and Astoria seated far apart from each other. "It's not like everyone doesn't already know."

Blaise then walked up to them and occupied the space between Draco and Astoria on the couch. He sighed tiredly and leaned back to close his eyes, casually interrupting them as though this were completely normal. Astoria sniffed and wiped tears off her eyes. Draco shifted uncomfortably, not knowing what to do with the two now that Blaise was there.

"Well, not everyone, but there's some lot that knows," Blaise went on casually, finally opening his eyes to stare at Astoria first then Draco. "A shitty start of the year, mate."

"How else would you describe it?" Draco said gruffly.

Blaise laughed humorlessly before looking into the flames.

"I'm not taking any sides this year. Fuck the Death Eaters and fuck the muggle-loving lot. No offense, Tori," Blaise turned to Astoria apologetically. Astoria smiled at him sadly. "I just need the year to be over. Merlin, I wish mum had just chucked me in Asia. Bloody Death Eaters hunted us down in Italy so I could be dragged back into this hell hole."

"What is it exactly that you wanted to say, Blaise?" Draco asked impatiently this time. "I know you didn't just come down here to talk about the bloody weather."

"You're right," Blaise nodded and sighed once more. "I actually just wanted to check on you two. I tried writing to both of you in the summer, but neither of you seemed to think me human now that the world's gone to fucking hell."

"Avery intercepts my letters at the manor. I could only grab one." Draco admitted, trying to avoid both Blaise and Astoria's gaze.

"I was in France. I got your letters when we went back to Greengrass manor in late August." Astoria explained, her eyes still red from all her crying. "Daphne forbade me to write to you while there. I'm so sorry."

"Well, good news is you're both alive." Blaise grunted disinterestedly, probably still shaken by the mention of Daphne's name. "But forget it. You listen to me, you lot. Don't go into any trouble this year. Shit's about to go down and Merlin knows there's only so little hope left in this purgatory."

"I think we're well aware, Blaise," Draco replied lazily, growing slightly irritated since he wanted to continue his conversation with Astoria. "Get on with it."

"Just… stick together, is all." Blaise tried to say, staring between the both of them. "Despite what you may think, I'm on the side of the people I care about—which is both of you. Hell, even Daphne, if we're being blunt now that we'd probably die any time soon."

"How encouraging," Astoria choked sarcastically, but this time, a small, playful smile graced her plump lips. "Do go on."

"You're my best mate." Blaise turned to Draco, and Draco felt stricken with guilt for some reason. His dark friend then turned to Astoria. "And you're like a little sister to me, Tori. I want you to be careful most of all. Draco can handle himself, but you? You've got a sharp tongue and questionable opinions that would get you killed. Hold your thoughts to yourself and stay out of trouble."

"And you? What do you mean to do this year?" Draco asked, surprised now that Blaise had confessed where his loyalties lie. "Get under the good graces of the Carrows, no doubt?"

"What else could you do? Survival is key. You bow to those in power, make yourself look docile before you steal that power from them." Blaise declared seriously before turning to Draco. "I heard what you said. It's true, you may not have control over who the Carrows want to hurt, but if they ever try to hurt Astoria, I will do my best to protect her. My family name is still as pure and clean as it could be now that my mother's found a way to worm herself into an allegiance with the Death Eaters. If I have to use that to my advantage to protect those I care for, I will."

Draco had never felt a more respectable admiration for Blaise than he did now. Astoria seemed to feel the same as a look of shock and genial esteem crossed her features. Before anyone knew it, Astoria had thrown herself at Blaise to attack him with a hug. After recovering from his shock, Blaise patted Astoria's back before the younger Slytherin pulled away.

Astoria turned towards the common room entrance before meeting Draco and Blaise's gaze. "I have to go. They'll suspect me if I miss my rounds tonight. I'll… I promise I'll be careful."

Once Astoria stood, she placed a kiss on Blaise's forehead before she leaned down to Draco and placed one on his cheek. Astoria shot them one last fretful look before finally leaving the common room.

The feel of Astoria's lips lingered on his right cheek, and he was certain his cheeks were flushed red from the genuine notion.

"She's going to get herself killed out there." Blaise said worriedly, his face hard now that he met Draco's gaze.

"Then make sure she doesn't." Draco nodded to him, forming an agreement.

Draco knew the impending doom of the school year. But at that point in time, he simply didn't know how much terror could happen in the span of ten months or even more now that the Dark Lord has returned.

The hope that Astoria seemed to help him tether to grew colder and darker knowing the horrors that awaited the wizarding world in the future.

AN: My sincerest apologies for the extremely late update! As it is, updates will be regularly infrequent from here on out as I'll be graduating soon and settling last minute college papers to pass. However, as a reprieve from my late update, expect the next chapter to be up next week by Monday. As such, thank you for reading this week's chapter! I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. Leave me your theories or any other things you'd like in the reviews section below! I always love reading your reviews. It definitely makes my day and is one of the more important drives that pushes me to keep writing for the story of our favorite OTP (at least they're my favorite OTP). Don't forget to follow/favorite for more updates!

Thank you again for reading, and I hope you all enjoyed!

See you soon,
EMPG22HoPe