Chapter 3

Kakashi looked at his friend with suspicion. He couldn't name what had happened, but since her birthday Sayuri had been acting differently. If Kakashi had to describe it he would say it was like there was a bubble around Sayuri that stopped her from properly interacting with the world around her. She smiled when she was meant to, and feigned interesting in different things, but Kakashi could tell that Sayuri wasn't really there when they sat opposite each other. He wanted to ask what had happened, but he wasn't sure if he could, he knew that Sayuri was his friend really, but what if she didn't feel the same way, what if the change in attitude was just the three-year-old being unable to keep up her happy façade any longer?

Kakashi pushed that idea to the side, he knew Sayuri was smart, but the idea that the child, a toddler really, could fake her whole personality and maintain it for any notable length of time was laughable. So Kakashi looked closer at his friend, what had changed since he last saw her; her clothes looked normal, her hair was the same, she didn't look any bigger or smaller in any way other than expected growth for her age. She had bags under her eyes that were never there before, her attitude had also changed. She was more withdrawn, less talkative, and even when she was visiting him and his father Kakashi noticed that Sayuri would disappear to be on her own for a while. It was during one of these moments that Kakashi brought his concerns to his father.

Sakumo looked down at his son and listened carefully as Kakashi explained his issues and asked what he should do to help his friend. It seemed like the young girl was depressed, but Sakumo brushed the idea off, as it was unlikely that a girl as young as Sayuri was actually depressed, it seemed much more likely that someone had said something to Sayuri and she was upset by it. Or she was just possibly missing her mother, who Sakumo knew hadn't come back from her mission yet.

"Well, the best thing to do is let her know that you're her friend and be willing to listen to her if she wants to talk about what's upsetting her. Forcing Sayuri to talk about what's wrong might just upset her more. She isn't a shinobi, she wouldn't be expected to be honest about her emotional state. She will tell you when she's ready." Sakumo said in all his adult wisdom, having also noted Sayuri's strange behaviour in the last week since her birthday. "Maybe you can offer to stay with her during the New Years celebration." He offered as Kakashi looked put out by the lack of a clear action plan.

Kakashi thought about the option and decided it as the best course of action, as spending time with Sayuri in a different but similar setting might just help Sayuri talk about what is upsetting her. Though Kakashi wasn't sure how he was meant to broach the subject of what was upsetting Sayuri, he didn't know how to talk about emotions or anything of the like. Kakashi found himself wishing that Sayuri was like his Otou-sans' dogs, with visible cues as to what they're feeling.

"I'll let Jirou know that you'll be staying at his for the New Year. I'm sure he'd be happy to have you for the night, I'll take him out for the festival so that you can have the chance to talk to Sayuri privately."

It would be a lie to say that New Year passed without ceremony. While I wasn't allowed to join in with the festivities as I wasn't really old enough to be trusted to not run off, I wasn't alone. Kakashi stayed with me, allowing Tou-san to go out and enjoy the evening. Sakumo offered to stay with us but Kakashi claimed that he would be able to look after the two of us for a few hours. Though I thought I saw Sakumo wink at Kakashi as he left the house. It must have been my imagination though as Kakashi didn't react to it.

After a little while of sitting in the main room I decided that I wanted to be able to look outside at the woodland that stood at the back of the house. The winter air chilled the room, but I didn't want to get up to go get my shawl or a blanket. Kakashi had been quiet since he arrived, but he picked up my hairbrush and moved to sit behind me. He brushed my hair as we watched the sun set, we could hear the festival in the distance, could smell the delicious scent of street food wafting through the air, but we stayed sitting on the back porch of the house, just watching the sky. It was nice. Kakashi hadn't said anything in a while. Sitting in my home whilst the sky turned dark, and the first flash of colour exploded in the sky.

I knew that I should have been enjoying the sight before, or at least enjoying the time I got to spend with Kakashi, but I couldn't. I still couldn't enjoy this life, knowing that I deprived someone else of the chance of being alive, maybe I had stolen the life of the original Sayuri Akiyama. The celebrations just made me feel worse, it might be a new year, but for some people close to me that just meant a year closer to death, until they would leave me behind like I left behind everyone I ever knew and loved. Each flash of coloured light was just a pale imitation of the celebrations and festivals I once knew.

Kakashi gave my hair a tug drawing me back to where I was. I ran a small hand through my hair, feeling the braid the Kakashi had plaited. It was surprisingly complicated, with smaller plaits making up the larger braid that ran down my back. I turned to smile at Kakashi as he moved around to sit next to me instead of behind me still. He still didn't say anything but allowed me to lean on him as we continued to watch the fireworks flashing across the evening sky. We still hadn't said anything when I eventually dosed off, listening to the distant sound of the festival.

The new year started, not with a fizzle but a crash, or rather a wailing cry as Ichirou-Oji entered the house covered in blood, again. While I was more used to seeing Ichi-Oji dirty and dishevelled when he came back from missions, it was always a bit of a shock when he came back looking like he had just come from a warzone, which was entirely possible with my limited knowledge of the world outside Konoha's walls. It didn't help that Ichi-Oji was holding his side in a clearly pained manner and one of his arms was hanging in an unnatural way. I felt perfectly justified in having dropped my cup of tea and letting the mug smash on the floor. Tou-san came rushing out at the ruckus, took one look at Ichi-Oji and rushed him to the hospital, complaining loudly how Ichi-Oji should have known better than to show up at the house in his state.

When Ichi-Oji returned from the hospital several days later, his arm in a sling and confined to bedrest or minimal movement, he spent most of the day moaning about how there wasn't anything for him to do. When Tou-san suggested that his brother go somewhere else to relax it just started another triage of complaints about how there wasn't really anywhere for shinobi to just hangout without being drunk, which when on pain medication was not an option. It took nearly a week of Ichi-Oji whining from the sofa for Tou-san to decide he needed to do something about the lack of places for ninja to go to when they have downtime.

Bless Tou-san and his need to help his older brother, or simply get Ichi-Oji to shut up, with all the extra work he was doing other people could forget that Tou-san was a clan head. Tou-san was good at delegating work among the clan I noticed, only having to the deal with the most important stuff himself. He had spent several days going between meetings about the current state of the clan and the possibility of opening is a café or hub for shinobi to gather in. They reached out to the Akimichi clan to discuss the shinobi aspect of running a business aimed at hosting the shinobi half of the village. Which led to even more meetings, but at least during those ones I was allowed to meet with Akimichi clan children.

Okaa-san had also come home since the turn of the new year arriving in late January, it had been the first time I really saw her for as long as I could remember. She had the typical Uchiha long, silky black hair, that loose hung to about her waist. I was shocked to realise that I had her eyes, the same dark eyes gleamed with amusement at me as she glanced at Tou-sans flustered attempts to complete the forms that would allow him to open his café. It was clear that Okaa-san didn't really know how to interact with me, she was awkward in how she addressed me. She didn't have any cute nicknames for me, and I didn't feel comfortable showing her how much smarter than an actual three-year-old I was.

I watched as Tou-san tried to implement all he learnt from everyone but knew that it would a bit of trial and error until he found what was needed to make the café thrive. The café was due to open in early March, just after Okaa-sans birthday. I was helping Tou-san with the menu, wishing that I could have added some of my old favourite foods, but to introduce them randomly would just create questions that I wasn't prepared to answer. I really felt like pizza would be a great addition to any diet. The illustrious clan elders, who I hadn't really met yet, had decided that the café would be an opportunity to test whether or not branching out into the food market would be profitable.

The opening of 'Brew-Tea-Ful' wasn't a grand event, as ninja tend to not like anything new too much. A few civilians showed up, and I recognized a couple Akimichi family members, probably to see what advice Tou-san had implemented. I was dressed up in a nice pale pink kimono that was decorated with deep pink lilies with a purple obi tied around my waist. Tou-san did my hair up to match his with a small braid hidden within a larger braid tied off with a purple ribbon in a bow.

We didn't have a lot of staff in the cafe, that may change in the future but for now, we had Kenzo-san, Momo-san, Suzuki-san and Nanae-san. Kenzo-san was to be our main chef, he would do the few meal dishes we would serve and the savoury snacks. Momo-san did our sweet deserts and snacks, she would also occasionally help out waitressing as well, as she made most of the snacks in the morning. Suzuki-san and Nanae-san were to be the main waitresses.

Suzuki-san had to be my favourite by far, she reminded me of an old battle axe type with her no-nonsense attitude, she was an older woman, and apparently an ex-kunoichi who had to retire due to injury, she had a hard face with ice blue eyes, but she had a best morbid humour I had yet to encounter. Nanae-san, by comparison, was a motherly type, kind brown eyes and a bit of extra weight that no kunoichi would be caught dead with. She was purely civilian, a mother of two herself with plans for a third. Kenzo-san, with his wrinkled face and smiling green eyes made me laugh though, upon meeting him he told Tou-san that I was too skinny and too smart, he blamed my Okaa-san. Momo-san seemed to be quite love struck, apparently she saw working as the café as training for her future husband. It turned out that her beau was none-other than Chouza Akimichi, they had met during the Academy and had been sweethearts since.

It also turns out that both Momo and Suzuki were both on the reserve shinobi list, and in times of crisis could be called in to help lift the burden on the active shinobi. Tou-san had laughed it off stating that if Konoha was in such a state of crisis it was unlikely he would have the café open so he wouldn't have to worry about replacement staff in that situation. I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about Tou-sans blasé attitude but I could see where he was coming from so it didn't bother me too much in the end.

March also brought about the first of the genin mock exams and revision sessions. Kakashi was confident, he knew he could graduate early anyway, so despite not having even completed a full year at the Academy Kakashi entered himself into the exam. Sakumo-san was proud, as expected, of his son and would tell everyone and anyone about 'his son the genius'. Which in turn started Tou-san boasting about my own intelligence, which got Okaa-san curious as to why I had been hiding such a part of myself from her.

But none of that concerned me that day, it was a good day. I felt like I could actually function as a small human being for the first time in a while, maybe it was the nice weather, or just the unadulterated joy that Tou-san was exuding, but the smile on my face didn't feel forced. Kakashi was there with Sakumo perusing the menu, and at the first moment of oportunity I took Kakashi away to talk about how everything was going for him.

"Do you feel confident for your exam?" I hated my childish voice at moments like this, but Kakashi respected that I seemed to have an older mind for my age, it was just hard to believe when I sounded like a Munchkin for Munchkinland.

"Yeah, Otou-san taught me bits so that I would be sure to pass." Kakashi had relaxed into the sofa that was in the staffroom.

"Anything you can show me?"

"We did the Transformation Jutsu first." He put his hands up and after a look of concentration the Hokage was standing in front of me.

"Cool! How did you do that?!" With a poof, the image of the Hokage disappeared and Kakashi reappeared. I never understood if the henge was chakra physically changing the appearance of the user, or if it was a layer of chakra that cloaked the user and thus changed their image. Either way it seemed complicated and hard to maintain.

"Um, well, it's chakra."

"But how? What does your charka do to allow you to change the way you look? Is it corporeal, if you transform into someone taller than you, and someone else went to pat your head, what would they feel?"

Kakashi blinked at me as if he had never considered the theory behind jutsus before, which was entirely possible seeing as chakra was the norm here, and most things could be explained simply by its existence. We sat in silence for a bit while Kakashi pondered over his answer, before he straightened up to look at me, earning my full concentration and attention.

"When I do a transformation, it feels like I'm forcing my chakra outwards, and then when I've got it in the shape I want I have to just hold it there. As far as I know, when in a transformation, other people will feel what they expect to feel, but it's really easy to be knocked out from a henge, so I wouldn't bother with it if there was a high risk of physical contact, it's better to just use a disguise that's aided by a henge in that case."

Huh. That kind of made sense, I had vague memories of people being able to hit and be hit by the physical manifestations of chakra, so a henge just being a controlled version seemed possible. It just didn't explain how Naruto was able to make his 'sexy transformation' and not feel awkward in his body, unless gender wasn't really a thing that Naruto thought, or will think, about, but that's something to think about in the future.

"Do you think you could teach me?" I still didn't want to be a full-fledged ninja, but some tips and tricks could help keep me alive if worst came to worst, and chakra control seemed to be a superpower in its own right, allowing for faster healing, superior senses and a whole slew of other benefits. As long as I didn't go into full training it was unlikely that real shinobi would be able to see me as anything other than a civilian, maybe an Academy drop-out at best.

"I could, but why not ask your Okaa-san or Ichirou-san? I'm sure that they would be more than willing to teach you." Kakashi suggested, looking curiously at me.

"If I asked Okaa-san then she would expect me to go to the Academy, and I'm not sure I want to be a kunoichi, and Ichi-Oji is still on medical leave, he isn't supposed to be using his chakra more than what he uses naturally."

"You don't want to be a kunoichi? Why would you want to learn the transformation jutsu if you don't want to be a kunoichi?"

"I just…I just don't want to be helpless if something happened. I know I couldn't ever really hurt someone, and that even if I had the skills to fight I'd probably not be very effective, or that I'd end up losing a bit of myself if I was forced to fight. I can't do it, but I know that I'm not always going to be safe… and, and, and…"

Kakashi stopped me mid rant by hugging me, it was the first time he had ever willingly hugged me, but my distress must have been obvious enough for him to pick up on the fact that I wasn't comfortable with the situation. As good as my day had begun the numbness had crept back up on me whilst I was trapped in Kakashi's arms, the thought that I shouldn't be there, that anything I wanted to do would just end up in ruins anyway so why bother. Why bother to learn the transformation jutsu if I knew I'd never have the courage to use it? Why bother being friends with Kakashi if in the end I'd probably leave him behind like I had everyone else?

For the next few weeks, whilst the café was beginning to build up business and Tou-san was running around keeping the clan in check while also manage the café, Kakashi began to teach me about chakra theory and what I would need to do to achieve a henge. We also did some basic physical training, but it turns out that my ineptitude with sports carried from across my previous lifetime, I had great stamina, but that was about it. I wasn't fast, I wasn't strong and I was about as flexible as a wooden board, and my small child body wasn't showing signs of developing either of those skills.

I was also dealing with my ongoing depression during all this, while I hadn't wanted to name it early, the numb days and indifference to some of the things going on around me had finally become too much for me to just ignore as me being upset about my situation. I wouldn't be so dramatic as to say that I couldn't feel anything, as that's not how depression works for me, it has always been like there is a thin film between me and the rest of the world, and every bad thought or feeling is trapped with me on the inside.

It was probably a blessing that I was still physically three and therefore not in charge of my own care, or people might have picked up on what was happening a lot sooner. Okaa-san seemed to have cottoned on to that I wasn't entirely 'normal', but she never addressed it with me, I could see that she sometimes wanted to talk to me about something, but she never went through with it. Tou-san was busier than he had been for a while, and Ichi-Oji was spending a lot of his time at the café now, catching up with other shinobi on medical leave or other people he knew.

It was early May when Kakashi deemed me capable of attempting my first henge. He had graduated only a week earlier and was waiting for his team assignment as he hadn't been given a genin team like the rest of his class. We were at his house as Sakumo wasn't home and my 'training' had been done in secret. I had spent the morning meditating, trying to gather my chakra so that I could expel it in a disguise.

"I don't think I can do it Kakashi." I whimpered under my breath.

"You'll be fine. It's a simple henge, even Academy drop outs can do it."

"Yeah, but they're all older than me, with more training. And don't say that you can do it and we're similar ages, you're a prodigy, I'm just...me." I shrugged as I looked down, away from Kakashi.

"Just breath and give it a go. The worst that can happen is that it doesn't work and we just continue as before."

"Okay." I took a deep breath in and began to concentrate on my chakra.

With each breath in I imagined my chakra pool, and with each exhale I tried to shift it slightly. To me, my chakra felt like the air before a storm, humid and sticky but brimming with energy. I wondered it this linked to its elemental nature, Kakashi and I hadn't covered elemental chakra in my lessons as it wouldn't ever be relevant to me if I didn't want to become a kunoichi.

Inhale.

Feel the chakra, buzzing with energy.

Exhale.

Move the chakra, swirl it around.

Inhale.

Feel the energy, feel the tingle in my fingers.

Exhale.

Get the chakra into position.

Inhale.

Make my hands form the signs.

Exhale.

Push the chakra.

Inhale.

"Henge no Jutsu!"

Exhale.

Choke on the pain the floods my body.

Inhale.

Look at Kakashi, he's panicking, why? Why me? Again?

Exhale.

Black.