Chapter 5

There hadn't been chance to catch-up with Kakashi since I had been released from the hospital, partly due to him never being around and partly because I had started my chakra therapy, which included, but wasn't limited to; meditation, sensing chakra, and trying to actively hide my chakra by drawing it inwards. It seemed easy to do until I actually had to do it. I kept letting go of my control and bolts of lightning would escape me, I couldn't begin to describe the damage I had done to the room I had my therapy in.

It was hard to keep control when there were times I couldn't even feel. I just felt like there was this hole in my soul that attempted to swallow me whole. I had days that I wished that Kakashi was there with me, even if was to just sit there in silence next to me, but then there were other days where I wouldn't want to inflict myself upon anyone. I think Okaa-san was picking up on the fact that there were days where I couldn't get out of bed for now physical reason. She didn't push me, but I could see the concern on her face each time I struggled to go about my daily routines. Okaa-san did her best to keep this part of me hidden from Tou-san, I might have been her 'lily-of-the-valley' but I was his 'Little Lily'.

Tou-san was swamped with council meetings and café work, seems the café was more popular, and profitable, than originally expected. Our clan council were more than pleased with the current progress with the café, and were looking into getting more land, near, but outside of Konoha to see if it will be worth creating a small chain of cafes and restaurants to reduce the costs of feeding our travelling merchants. Also creating a chain of eateries between our future farms and trading locations, such as Suna, would also make the farms more profitable, according to Tou-san.

Since it was clear that I couldn't become a shinobi, I had been introduced to some of the elders of the clan. There was Elder Yuuto, he was the oldest surviving member of the Akiyama clan, he looked it too. Withered over himself, barely able to stand and more loose skin than actual body. But he was smart, it showed in the gleam in his eye, and the way he assessed me upon our first meeting. It had been a good day for me, so I was able to actually interact with the old man, listening to him appraise me. Tou-san had gone on about the future plans for me, I was to attend the civilian school once I turned five, and begin my tutoring in trading, marketing and everything else I would need to know to become the head of a merchant clan.

This mixed in with Okaa-san taking over my etiquette training had taken over most of my time. Okaa-san was probably the best person to start teaching me etiquette, she knew what needed to be done in nearly any scenario, and she herself was trained in various manners so that she could train me to handle anything. I learnt about table etiquette, flower arrangement, and was beginning to learn how to handle a fan for dancing.

My days were pretty set, in the mornings, I struggled to get out of bed and washed, then I would start meditation as part of my therapy, then I would move on to meeting and having lunch with Elder Yuuto, while his carer would teach me various cooking skills that I hadn't learnt before. After lunch I would stay with Elder Yuuto while Okaa-san would work on my etiquette, including learning to sit in the seiza position for as long as possible without shifting or fidgeting. In the late afternoon I would go back to the hospital, for more chakra therapy, before coming home for the evening where I tried to spend as much time as possible with Tou-san before going to bed.

And every day I spent time looking in a mirror, trying to become familiar with my own face, and questioning if there was a Sayuri Akiyama before me. Did I take her place? Or was she simply never born? But every time I looked in the mirror I saw a stranger looking back at me, I knew I was an adult in my mind, but there was a child looking back at me. None of her features were mine. My hair used to be a rich, mahogany brown, I was a tall girl, even as a child I had been tall. But now I see light, hazel hair, entwined with streaks of blonde, my body is small, and thin. I never used to be thin, I was proud of my shape and curves, each roll was a memory. My earthy brown eyes are now black, my hair didn't wave and curl anymore. I didn't have my scars, my new skin no longer perfect, but my scars weren't right.

The person in the mirror simply wasn't me. And the feeling of wrongness made it hard to look in a mirror for long.

This was the routine for six weeks, until mid-September, Sakumo invited us all over to celebrate Kakashi's birthday, and to congratulate Kakashi on finally being assigned a jonin sensei. In the back of my mind I knew who the sensei was, but it seemed so far away, like a distant dream. During this time at home I had taken up writing, practicing what I could remember of my language from Before whilst also trying to write down what I could of the original timeline from the show. With all the annotations that came with adding information as you remember it. There were also drawings of anything I thought was important, sometimes connected to other notes, but generally they were on their own.

Kakashi came up a lot in my notes, I noted about him being Minato Namikaze's apprentice, about his time on Team Seven, and its tragic end. I couldn't remember what happened to the girl, or even her name, but I knew that her death led to the escalation of events that resulted in Minato and Kushina being killed. I also wrote down my vague memories about what happened between Minato's death and Kakashi being the sensei of the next Team Seven. I knew he was an ANBU, and was recruited for ROOT, and that he met Tenzo/Yamato during this time at some point.

The last six weeks had been the longest that I hadn't seen Kakashi, even Sakumo had been by to visit me and compliment me on my developing skills as a head of a clan. Sakumo had been a great support during this time, turns out that the Hatake clan was famous for their lightning nature, and had given me his own tips and tricks to help me manage my new condition. There were some days I felt that glad that I didn't see Kakashi, he must have hated me, I couldn't even do a simple jutsu without traumatising him. Sakumo tried to reassure me that Kakashi was just busy, but I knew that Kakashi just didn't want to see me.

I tried my best to get a good gift for his birthday, something that would remind Kakashi that I was a good friend to him. I didn't want to get him shinobi gear necessarily, as I didn't want to remind him of how much of a failure I was, but I knew that Kakashi didn't have many interests outside of his shinobi career. Maybe something for his pack, when he gets them. Or possibly a plant, I remembered that Kakashi had a plant that he liked, he even named it.

I'd figure it out, and then Kakashi would forgive me, and we could be proper friends again.

I didn't see Kakashi, he ended up being called away for his own celebration party for a mission, I couldn't imagine what was so important that it couldn't wait a day, but I knew that shinobi could be called away for anything on short notice. In the end I had gotten Kakashi a photo album, it was a nice one with a frame on the front that I had put a photo of me and Kakashi from one of the times I had stayed with the Hatake's. Sakumo had told me later that Kakashi seemed to appreciate it, but I instantly started to regret giving Kakashi the album, a kunai maintenance set would have definitely been better.

I didn't see Kakashi several months later at my birthday, but then turning four wasn't a big deal in the civilian population, so why would it be important to an active shinobi like Kakashi. Okaa-san wasn't there either, having been sent back out to work in late September. At least I knew she loved me and was only away due to her commitment to her work. Tou-san started introducing me to more clan members so that they could take over care duty, since he was busier now with meeting farmers, spice traders and looking into the status of the mines.

So, I spent most of my days looked after by strangers, going through my daily routine. Elder Yuuto was usually the highlight of my day. He always had something interesting to talk about. Elder Yuuto had once been the head of the clan but had passed the mantle to my Ojii-sama, who in turn passed it on to my Tou-san. Elder Yuuto seemed to know I was depressed, he never addressed it properly, but he talked to me like an adult, and didn't avoid addressing other things that no other adult would. I also met with Elder Takuya, who used to be head of mining. Elder Takuya had also treated me like a small adult rather than a young child, which meant that on days where I didn't want to be around my assigned guardian for the day I went to one of the elder's homes to stay instead.

I was released from therapy nearly a year after I was first admitted. I had seen Kakashi only in passing, he never stopped to chat, and he hadn't been by to see me either. I tried to get along with the children of the various clan members I got to meet, but most of the other children were a lot older than me, and despite my mental maturity compared to them, they still didn't want to be seen hanging around a four-year-old. I wasn't old enough to go to school yet, so I was very much on my own.

Kakashi was pleased with himself. He was getting into the full swing of working as a shinobi. His sensei, while young, was clever and resourceful, and taught Kakashi a range of skills. They hadn't seen any major combat in the year they had been working together, but they had fought enough bandits together to know each other's fighting style and be comfortable if they ever had to fight together. He knew that he had been busy with his new training and work, but he hadn't realised how little he had been around until he saw Sayuri for the first time in months.

She had gotten taller, was the first thing he had noticed, while still small, as expected of a child, she was clearly taller than when he had last seen her. Her hair was also longer and being held back in a low pony-tail instead of the braid he was used to seeing. But the biggest change was in her eyes. Sayuri always had dark eyes, and that hadn't changed, but before her eyes had held life and an inner lightness that Kakashi had always appreciated, now, however, her eyes were dull. Kakashi was reminded of his concerns about his friend's health from before her accident. Then a flash of guilt ran through him, remembering her seizing on the floor when he tried to teach her what should have been a simple jutsu.

Kakashi didn't want to admit that he was avoiding his friend, but now that he was facing her for the first time in nearly a year, he had to acknowledge that he hadn't made any effort to see his only friend. He knew that his father had been by to check on Sayuri, and had had given Kakashi updates, but he hadn't told Kakashi how Sayuri seemed to be withdrawn in herself. He thought of the photo that graced the front of the album he got, she was smiling brightly next to him, eyes sparkling and showing off her teeth. The Sayuri in front of Kakashi was not the same girl from that photo.

He ran in to Sayuri on a day off, Minato-sensei had told Kakashi to not bother training, telling him that too much training could do damage since Kakashi was still young. He had been wandering around the Village, just wasting time when he saw Sayuri walking through the market with who he assumed to be a clan member. She wasn't chatting away, nor was she particularly looking at anything either.

Deciding that spending the rest of the day with Sayuri was infinitely better than just wasting the day he went up to her. The shock on her face when he came up to her sent a bolt of hurt to his heart. He asked if she wanted to hang out at his house, the reluctance on her face was mixed with some kind of desperate hope that Kakashi couldn't fathom. She looked up at her guardian who nodded and then Sayuri slowly moved over to Kakashi's side. They headed off the Hatake household, Kakashi waited for Sayuri to start talking, but she didn't.

Once at the house Kakashi thought that Sayuri would brighten up and start to babble like he thought she would. But still she remained silent. They sat in the main room together in silence and remained like that for a while before Kakashi decided to break it.

"How have you been Sayuri-chan? Been doing anything interesting?" Kakashi asked awkwardly. Internally cringing as Sayuri spooked at the sudden sound.

"I… erm… I've been released from chakra therapy. I've been given a range of strategies to help me manage my chakra so that I shouldn't have random bouts electricity which could hurt others. I've also been meeting with my clan's elders. They are really nice." Sayuri's voice was soft, and she didn't look at Kakashi in the eye. Her finger tapped against her opposite arm.

"Well, that's great right?" Kakashi tried desperately to get a reaction from the girl opposite him.

"I guess." She shrugged. "How are you? You've been busy lately, I haven't seen you around the Village lately."

"Yes. I've been working with Minato-sensei, he has been teaching me lots of things. I been working on my chakra control, but you could probably beat me in chakra control if your therapy has been going well." Kakashi tried to joke. "I've also learnt new jutsu and have been doing lots of missions. I even got to see Otou-san on a mission once. He's promised to help me train my new pack soon, so you'll get to meet them. Do you like dogs?"

"I do." Sayuri visibly brightened at the mention of the pack. Kakashi made a mental note to definitely introduce Sayuri to his pack once they were settled. "I think when I'm older I might ask Tou-san if I could get a dog, it wouldn't be a nin-ken, but it would still be a good companion to have." Sayuri smiled wistfully at her imaginary future dog.

"I'll get Otou-san to introduce you to his pack. You'll love it. His beta, Asuka is this beautiful wolfhound, she's long and sleek, and fast. She's fast like the wind. And smart too. Apparently, her lineage comes from Kumo, but they are rare there now too."

"She sounds lovely."

"Are you alright Sayuri? You're not acting like yourself." Kakashi decided to address the problem head-on.

I looked up at Kakashi. I could feel the urge to tell him, to tell him about who I was Before. I could feel the need to share the burden of my knowledge with someone. But Kakashi was only six, even if he was much more mature mentally. He was a child. How could I dare even think of burdening a child, one that I knew to have a hard future ahead of them, with the knowledge that, at my core, I was a liar.

I could feel my eyes watering up as it all became too much. I could imagine the knowing eyes of the elders and Okaa-san on me, judging me for never admitting the truth. But I was only four, only cognitive for the last two years, but two years is a long time to keep a secret, and Kakashi was my only friend here, and I had been lying to him the entire time I knew him. How could I call myself his friend?

Trying to open my mouth I choked on a breath, finally letting tears fall from my eyes. Kakashi moved next to me as I curled in on myself, my small body feeling restrictive and claustrophobic. My hands weren't my hands, I didn't cry the same way, my hair wasn't black. It was all wrong. And I couldn't fix it.

Kakashi watched as Sayuri curled into a small ball and sobbed. Her cries were quiet, and very clearly being controlled. He could feel her chakra flowing around her body, acting as if desperately seeking an escape. Thankfully Sayuri seemed to keep herself in check as she didn't have any electrical bursts, but Kakashi could tell that it was a close thing.

He didn't know that his question would set her off like this, but it did make him acknowledge that he hadn't talked to her in nearly a year, and Sayuri was clearly suffering for it. Kakashi felt awful as he watched Sayuri calm herself, he didn't know anything about what she had to do to not be a danger to herself or others. He didn't know what she had been through during the last year. He didn't know what could have caused her to become so distraught.

After several minutes Sayuri had calmed herself, and then she made a move to get up, causing Kakashi to bolt up to prevent her.

"Where are you going? I'm sorry I made you cry, don't leave."

"I'm sorry." She whispered, her voice husky from crying. "I think it's best if I leave. I won't bother you again." Sayuri tried to sidestep Kakashi, but he wouldn't have it and grabbed her arm, forcing her to stay where she was.

"You're not leaving until we talked about this. You've said before that you're my friend. Well I want to be your friend too, and friends are meant to look after each other. You just started crying for no obvious reason and now you want to leave." Kakashi shook his head and forced Sayuri to sit down again.

"You wouldn't believe me even if I told you. And then you would leave anyway, so this is the best way to go." She sounded so sure of the end result that Kakashi was almost tempted to believe her and pretend her crying never happened, but he knew better, and he knew that to be a friend he had to persevere.

"Try me. If I don't believe you then I won't ever bring it up again." Sayuri looked at Kakashi as if trying to judge his honesty. There was a pause while she contemplated her response.

"Do you believe in reincarnation Kakashi? The idea that after you die you could be forced back into the living world. That the memories of a previous life could haunt you, make you ache for a world, a time you can't return to. I can remember it all. I can remember dying. What I wanted to do with my life, my dreams, my nightmares, my hopes, my fears. I can remember my family, my friends."

Of all the things Kakashi expected Sayuri to say, that wasn't one of them.

"Can…erm… can you tell me more? About…you?" He hesitantly asked, unsure how much he should believe.

"I was one of three children. I had an older brother and a younger sister. My older brother was like you, a genius. He was smarter than I could ever hope to be, but he was a complete braggart, he'd lord it over me how much smarter than me he was. I used to ask him all the stupid questions I could just to annoy him. He worked for the government and was trying to get into the military, but I think he would have been happy with the job he had. But he could have been anything he wanted.

"My little sister was a special sort, she didn't want to be like my brother or I, but she was, in her own way. Sharp with a mean streak a mile wide and tongue as sharp as razors. She was going into psychology, I wonder what she would make of me now. She was athletic too, she'd make an excellent kunoichi, ruthless and aggressive, she'd be a front-line fighter, she'd accept nothing less. My brother would aim to be jonin commander if he was here, and he'd be a great one too, thinking twenty steps ahead of the enemy." Sayuri gave a joyless laugh that caused Kakashi to wince. He could hear the self-deprecation that was going unsaid between her words, but he didn't know how to address them with Sayuri turning the conversation to him instead.

"My Mum, my Kaa-chan, she had a sharp mind, quick wit and an eye for weakness. She was the kind of woman I aspired to be, she didn't let people take the better of her, but she was never cruel to me or my siblings. But I was like her in a way I that she never truly liked, shy, and quiet, to myself. Hoarding my every secret and issue like it was a treasure I had to keep. She saw this and tried her best to help me, but it was my Dad who knew how to reach me." Sayuri had to pause, her throat was dry and scratchy. Kakashi handed her a drink, wondering where Jirou was.

"My Dad, Tou-chan, was a great man. He knew when to tell me jokes, or to be serious with me. He hugged me when I cried and petted my hair when I just didn't want to talk. He used to tell me what I needed to hear and repeat it every time I forgot. A smart man who could think of a million ways to tell me something." Sayuri was crying now, not the fat sobs that landed her in the hospital, but silent tears that escaped her control. "I can still remember that on long drives we used to talk about anything and everything. He used to tell me about his life, he wrote me his stories. I'll never get to see how that story ends. I might end up a part of it, and I'll never get to know.

"Kakashi, I miss them. I miss my family. I miss the life I used to have. I miss the arguing and the bickering. I miss my brother teasing me and my sister. And I regret, Kakashi I regret so much." Sayuri finally stopped talking, but she continued to cry, and Kakashi sat there, silent, unsure, taking in everything. It was a lot for the six-year-old to take in, but there was a reason he was a genius, it didn't make perfect sense, and would require some research to confirm her claim, but her story wasn't impossible.

"What was your name? Back then I mean?" Kakashi asked the least traumatising question he could think of.

"Azalea, I used to called Azalea Diana Forrester." Sayuri paused. "I died a month before my twenty-seventh birthday. I wasn't a soldier, I wasn't living in a war-torn country. I was listening to rally. That was all. And I died Kakashi. And now I'm Sayuri Akiyama." Sayuri restarted crying in earnest.

Kakashi moved to sit closer to Sayuri and wrapped an arm around her and let her continue to cry. Deciding that he'd tackle the issue in the morning, but for right now, Sayuri just needed him there for her to cry on, and he could do that. It was after all the least he could do for his only friend.