The plastic chair wobbled on the soft grass when Hajime leaned back to down the last of his beer. The thin medal crumbled easily in his grip, and he tossed the dented can in the big trash Em had set next to the tables. It bounced off the edge of the bin and fell to the ground.

The family was having a backyard barbecue to celebrate Mattsun's resignation. For weeks, Em had put a lot of love and effort into the planning and preparations. Various kinds of meat were sizzling on the grill coated with sticky barbeque sauce, the big tub full of ice water provided a steady supply of cold drinks, and the radio played the greatest hits of the summer in the background. In the middle of it all, Em walked among the guests and she was radiating happiness in a way Hajime hadn't seen before.

Despite the significance of the occasion, it was all very casual and only the closest family and friends had been invited: Em's parents who lived close by and often helped with the kids, the neighbors, and a couple of other military families whose kids were friends with the twins. It was quite obvious she had tried to keep the army presentation to a minimum: only a few of the guests were still on active duty.

Mattsun walked over the yard to him and tossed the empty can in the trash on his way.

"What are you doing sulking here by yourself?" he said and took a careful seat in the plastic chair next to where Hajime had been holding his lonely fort the whole night.

"All you said was I had to attend. I'm here, what else do ya want?"

"Oh, I dunno, you could maybe come to sit with us? Mingle?"

Hajime scoffed. "When have you ever seen me mingle?"

"Fair enough," Mattsun said with a little shrug. He glanced at the army of empty beer cans on the table. "Have you eaten anything?"

"What are you, my mother?"

"I wish so I could give ya a firm smack in the head. You could sure use one, or ten. I mean, would giving even a little smile hurt?"

"Got nothing to smile about," Hajime said and opened a fresh beer.

What Hajime had always liked the most about Mattsun was his laid-back temperament. It wasn't easy to irk him, but Hajime could tell from the tone of his voice he was starting to push the first perimeters of his endless patience. He leaned closer and lowered his voice.

"Nothing to sm – man, you're alive. How about that? I get that you're having a hard time, I really do, but buddy, you need to wake up. I mean, what is it gonna take? Tell me, what do I need to do to get my old friend back?"

"Well, getting me a tattoo or some stranger gawking at me ain't gonna help."

Mattsun's lips tightened and his face darkened. "Tooru's a – "

"Hon? Honey!" Em called from the grill station. "Could you please give me a hand with the girls?"

"Coming!" Mattsun hollered back but turned to Hajime before leaving. "We're not done talking yet."

Throwing silent daggers at Mattsun's broad back as he made his way through the crowd Hajime seethed in his seat. As long as he could walk from point A to point B with such ease, he had no right to ask him for anything, as far as Hajime was concerned. They might have been best friends since their elementary school days, but Mattsun had no idea what it was to be in Hajime's shoes. Well, a shoe.

Humorlessly he chuckled to himself and took a long swing of the beer and angrily wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He saw Mattsun picking up one of the twins and saying something to Em. Immediately she glanced at Hajime's direction and said something back. Mattsun bent down to kiss her forehead before heading inside the house with the little girl in his arms.

Hajime watched the silent pantomime, and guilt twinged in his chest. He hadn't been fair. He knew that, despite everything, things could be worse. At least he had someone, but he shoved the kindness right back at their face. He just couldn't help that he didn't see a point in any of it.

"Iwaizumi?"

Hajime flinched when someone called his name right next to him. It was Hinata, a young rookie who had served his first tour with him and Mattsun.

"Thought it was you," Hinata said excitedly and occupied Mattsun's chair. "Can't believe I actually got to see you again after the – anyway, how you been?"

"Fine."

"Really? Well, good for you." He reached to pat Hajime's shoulder. Hajime stiffened and squeezed his beer can. "The guys have all been worried about you, but I'm glad to hear you're doing good."

"Yeah."

"Things have been crazy lately. All the leaves have been cut. I managed to beg an extra night because Mattsun was my superior and I was – but I have to be back first thing tomorrow. Gotta take it easy with these." Hinata grinned and lifted his drink.

Hajime listened to his babble but scanned the crowd for Mattsun to pick up his distress signal and come and rescue him. He was nowhere to be seen, though.

"Did you hear who they brought in to replace you guys?" Without waiting for Hajime to answer he went on. "Tsukishima and Ushijima. Jesus." He shook his head a little. "I mean, I guess they were next in line, but talk about crushing the atmosphere, man."

Hajime's gut gave a slight twist, but he kept his tone even and face blank. "They're good leaders and have lots of experience."

"Yeah, but their social skills are seriously lacking. And they're enforcing some Spartan discipline, too. We've done more missions than ever before because they volunteer our team for everything."

"That's what you get paid for."

"I mean, you and Mattsun were tough on us, but we had some fun, too. Not with these two, though. I don't think they've ever even heard the word." Hinata sighed and sipped his drink.

"It's not about fun."

"But I guess the big bosses wanted to make sure our team was under more control. I mean, it's not like we did anything wrong, it was an accident, but – these kinda things reflect badly on the management."

The leg of Hajime's chair sank deeper into the soft grass when he shifted in his seat. Hinata glanced at him quickly.

"Well, I say bullshit. If anyone got screwed, it was you. As far as I'm concerned, they've got nothing to complain about. And making it look like it was your fault was bullshit."

"What's done is done," Hajime muttered into his beer.

"They're just trying to shrink from responsibility, damn cowards." Hinata's voice raised, and he spread his arms. "And did you hear about how they're trying to slow down the investigation with their technicalities?"

Hajime's back stiffened, and he could feel his body recoil on itself. "Lower your voice."

"They're drowning the investigation in red tape and sweep it under a rock. Like the kid had fallen out of the sky. Like I said, bullshit. There was a clear curfew and he was all alone, no way that's just a coincidence."

"Shut up," Hajime wheezed. An invisible claw crept up his sweaty back and sunk its bony fingers between the ribs to squeeze his lungs.

"Nah, they just trynna keep it hush-hush because it makes them look bad. Man, if they had been there that day, if they had seen the shit themselves – hell, if they had been with the medic to pick the boy's pieces – "

"Shut up." The pressure was rapidly building in Hajime's chest, threatening to fall apart at the seams.

" – I bet they would've had a different attitude. They can't even begin to understand what it must have been like to – "

"Shut up!" Hajime slammed his drink down, and beer splashed on his hand. "Shut up! Just shut the fuck up about it." The plastic chair was knocked down with a soft thud when he stumbled to his feet. Hinata startled and looked at him wide-eyed.

"I'm s – "

"I don't care about the kid or investigation, and I sure as hell don't care about my replacement. I don't care about any of it! So, shut the fuck up."

"I didn't – I just," Hinata stammered and sat frozen in his seat.

"I know what I did and what happened, so I don't need to hear about it from you. What's done is done." Hajime leaned to tower over Hinata. The light plastic table tipped under his weight. "And I don't need you to look out for me. You just worry about your own business, that should be plenty for you."

"What – "

"What's going on here?" Mattsun's voice pierced through the veil of rage Hajime had worked himself into and snapped him back to reality. The bony fingered beast that had threated to spread inside his head and bury him alive recoiled back under the surface.

The buzz of conversation around them had died, and everyone was staring. Em was cradling a crying twin in her arms. Her eyes were nailed to Hajime over the girl's shaking shoulders while she stroked her back and tried to calm her down.

"Hajime? You okay?"

With clumsy shaking hands Hajime picked up his crutches. "Just leave me alone," he mumbled as he limped past Mattsun and disappeared into the house.

~~oOo~~

Feeling groggy and disoriented Hajime woke up on the living room couch to dishes clattering in the kitchen and a full bladder. He remembered brooding by himself after storming out and staring blindly at the sports channel but not falling asleep. Now he found himself tucked under a blanket, the television turned off, and a water bottle and a painkiller on the coffee table next to his head.

The screen of the back door clanked, and Hajime closed his eyes and pretended to be sleeping when someone – Mattsun, judging by the long strides – swooshed past the couch to the kitchen. Hajime listened to him emptying dishes into the garbage disposal and the swirl and rattle of the spinning blades as they hacked through the food. The noise always turned Hajime's stomach. It made him think of chunks of meat being maimed into a bloody pulp.

"Did the girls go to bed alright?" he heard Mattsun ask.

"Mavis was a bit upset but she calmed down eventually. I had to read her favorite story three times and stay until she fell asleep."

"Did she ask about – you know?"

"Not really. I think she just got a little startled at the sudden blow-up. You know how she is."

"What about Maddie?"

"She was quieter than usual. I let her sleep in Mavis' bed tonight and put the plastic bed covers on just in case."

Hajime heard Mattsun sigh deeply. He imagined him crossing his arms like he always did when he was troubled. Or maybe he was hugging Em's slim waist and pulling her for a hug which was what he did when he was trying to make up with her.

"I'm sorry, Em."

"I know you are, but you know as well as I that we can't go on like this. I get that you wanna be there for him, but I don't think this is the way. You can't do it at the expense of your family."

"Come on, you know he'd never hurt anyone, especially the girls. So, he raised his voice a little. I bet Hinata was getting on his nerves."

"That's not the – I'm talking about having to walk on eggshells in our own home. Because this wasn't the first time. I mean, he doesn't sleep, he drinks, and the littlest things can set him off. He's a ticking time bomb, and we're waiting for it to blow at our faces." Em's voice got louder towards the end as her frustration grew.

"Shh, he's sleeping."

"That, that there is exactly what I'm talking about. Hushing. We've been hushing ourselves for almost two months now. When is it gonna end?"

"Then what do you want me to do, huh?" Mattsun's tone got sharp. "Kick him out when he's at the lowest point of his life? He's my best friend, I'm not gonna do that."

"Of course not. What he needs is professional help, but right now, we're enabling him to just wallow in his own misery. He's a good man, and I care about him, too, but his self-destructive behavior is starting to take its toll on your family. I mean, what about when the baby comes? It's only gonna add to all of this, and I can't constantly have this kinda tension around in the house. You promised me you were done with the army when we got pregnant again."

"I am done with it. In case you didn't notice, I quit."

"Yeah, but I didn't expect the army to come live in our guest room."

"That's not fair."

"No, but it is the reality," Em said quietly and like all the fight had been drained out of her. "I know this is a tough situation for you and I hate myself for putting you through it, but," she sighed, "I feel like I don't have a choice anymore. We need to figure out something else because this isn't working."

The kitchen went silent for a while. Not even the dishes were clattering, and Hajime pictured them both leaning against the kitchen counter and not quite looking at each other.

Finally, Mattsun broke the silence. "Yeah, I hear ya. I, uh, I'll figure something. Talk to him about it."

"I'll help you if you need anything. Just ask, okay?" Their conversation was interrupted when one of the twins called for mom upstairs. "I'll go check on the girls. Are all the dishes inside already?"

"Yeah, I'll handle the kitchen."

Em walked past the couch, and Hajime could smell the waft of her perfume. Mattsun resumed to cleaning up and switched the garbage disposal on again.