Hajime startled awake just as he was falling to his certain and hit the ground in his dream. His heart lurched uncomfortably, and a warm wave of adrenalin washed over him and spiked his blood pressure. For a while, he stared at the familiar, comforting ceiling of Tooru's bedroom as the wild thumping of his heart calmed down.

Careful not to disturb the mattress he sat up. His hair was still a bit damp from the shower when he ran his shaky hand through it while fumbling for the small, wrinkled joint on the nightstand. The lighter clicked in the quiet room and illuminated Hajime's frown as he tried to aim the flame with the little stub. His moist lips stuck to the dry rolling paper as he sucked on the other end and inhaled the thick smoke.

Medical marijuana had been Tooru's idea, of course. He had talked Hajime into trying it out once when he hadn't had a good night sleep for days. Worst-case scenario, he had said, you'll eat chips with ice cream and feel a bit gross about it afterward, so there's really nothing to lose. Hajime hadn't liked the heavy mellowness and feeling of detachment, but it had helped with the nightmares. His hippy doctor had almost seemed pleasantly surprised when Hajime had asked for the prescription.

The smoke tickled deep in his lungs, and Hajime tried to suppress the coughing. The sheets rustled behind him, and a hand stroked his back.

"You alright?" Tooru's voice was thick with sleep.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Go back to sleep."

"Mmmm, but I'm up now." The bed creaked when he sat up and wrapped his arms around Hajime from behind. The familiar body heat seeped through Hajime's shirt. "And I was having such a good dream, too. Wanna guess?"

"I'm gonna take a wild guess by the way you're rubbing against me and say it's something R-rated."

Tooru chuckled, and the vibrations ran down Hajime's back. "Ding, ding, ding. Would you like to know what the grand prize is, sir?"

Hajime rolled his eyes but smiled a little. "Sure, what did I win?"

The joint was carefully removed from between his fingers, and with his eyes closed, Tooru sucked on the stub. Instead of inhaling the smoke all the way he reached to seal their lips tightly and exhaled it into Hajime's mouth. Surprised, Hajime coughed and tried to pull back, but Tooru's hand cradled the back of his head and kept him firmly in place. As Tooru's tongue sneaked to stroke Hajime's, some of the smoke escaped between their lips.

When satisfied, Tooru released him with a wide grin. "Shotgun kisses."

Hajime coughed and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Jesus, warn a guy."

"Aww, where's the fun in that." Tooru took another hit, but this time saved it all for himself.

Hajime settled back on his back and looked at the naked Tooru sitting and smoking next to him. Behind the curtains, the clouds slid across the night sky, and the pale moonlight filled the bedroom. Shadows marked the curves of Tooru's body – the bumps of his shoulders, the dip of his collarbone, the little rolls of his waist when he was sitting, and the curve of his ass.

"What?" Tooru asked when he caught Hajime staring.

"Nothin'."

"Liking what you see?"

"I ain't complainin'."

Tooru reached over Hajime to put out the joint but instead of flopping down on his side of the bed, he straddled Hajime's hips and looked down at him. His weight rested on Hajime warm and solid.

"Just looking? Don't you wanna do anything else? It's all yours."

"It's kinda late, though. And you have an early morning, right?"

Tooru rolled his hips and rubbed their groins together. Hajime could feel stiffness pressing against his softer front.

"But I'm all hot and bothered. That dream was really good. Should I tell you about it?"

Before Hajime could utter a word Tooru grabbed his hands by the wrists and placed them over his ass.

"You were squeezing there," he said and guided Hajime's fingers to press into the soft flesh. "Took a generous handful, too." He rocked his hips and prompted Hajime to follow the movements.

Hajime looked up at Tooru arching his back and biting his lip. The one-sided stiffness between them grew, and Tooru sighed as the roughness of Hajime's boxers rubbed against him. He leaned his weight against Hajime's chest, and Hajime tried to ignore the uneasy skip of his heart.

"What else? What else happened?"

"I touched you, too. Here." Tooru said and sounded a bit out of breath. His hand slid under the hem of Hajime's shirt and ran smoothly up and down his sides and over his chest.

Underneath, Hajime's heart had started to thump again, much like when he had woken up from his nightmare. He closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on Tooru's touches, but darkness only made it worse. Tension spread from his spine and slowly distanced him from it all, made him both hyperaware, anxious, and unresponsive.

The weight of Tooru shifted when his other hand dragged down. "And here, too," he whispered and wiggled his fingers under the waistband of Hajime's boxers.

A lightning of nerves shot through Hajime, and before he could stop himself he grabbed Tooru's wrist. They both froze, and time in the bedroom stopped.

"Hajime?" The huskiness in Tooru's voice had disappeared, and it clashed in the silent room.

"Ah, sorry," Hajime stammered and released his grip on Tooru's hand. "Sorry, I just…"

"Too much?"

"Yeah, sorry."

"You don't need to apologize, it's okay." Tooru rolled off, and as soon as the pressure of his weight was off Hajime, his breathing eased. Tooru settled next to him and looked at him. "Better?"

"Yeah, sorry – uh, did I hurt you? Your hand?"

"No, I'm fine."

"You sure?" Hajime reached to take a closer look but hesitated the last second and pulled back. "I didn't mean to, I just – "

Tooru ruffled Hajime's hair and broke the awkward tension. "I'm fine, I'm not made of China. It was my fault anyway, I went too far. Why didn't you say anything?"

"I don't know. I guess I wanted to give it a try. You were in the mood."

"You don't need to push it for my sake. That's not how it works."

"Yeah, but – "

"No buts," Tooru said sharply. "It's not only about you. If you ever again let me do something you're not ready for, I will never forgive you, is that clear?"

"Okay," Hajime said quietly. "Sorry."

"We'll get there one day, but we can't rush it."

Hajime frowned and sank deeper into the mattress with a frustrated sigh. "But what if we never get there? What if I'm never ready? You really wanna have that kinda relationship? Constant blue balls?"

"Then we'll figure something! It's not like there's only one way to have sex in the world. I mean, sure, I wanna get off, but there're other ways to feel good. You like kissing and my ass, right? Then we do those things. When you're feeling good, it turns me on, too, so there's no need to worry about not satisfying me."

Hajime's ears started to burn at Tooru's frankness, and he shifted uncomfortably. "But it's not the same."

"As what, fucking? True, it's not, but we can work around that. I'm happy as long as I can be near you." Tooru leaned in for a soft kiss and buried his fingers in Hajime's hair. "You're just as much of a man as anyone else," he said next to Hajime's ear. "And I'm love with you, not your dick. Now, I wanna cuddle my man, is that okay?"

It didn't take long for Tooru to fall back asleep pressed against Hajime's side and using his chest as the pillow. His little snuffles and snores made Hajime's heart flutter a little, and he wondered if Tooru could hear them in his sleep. The hard-on slowly softened and melted away against Hajime's thigh.

Despite everything Tooru had said, he wasn't completely reassured about not being inadequate. It was all frustrating. He wanted Tooru, but sex just didn't feel the same anymore. He had become afraid of it. Like a satellite, sex bounced his frame of mind back to his dreams when he was lying on the ground and couldn't breathe. It filled him with the same adrenalin. How do you work around that?

~~oOo~~

"So, I heard you got a new tattoo?" Mattsun said from across the garden table. "What'd ya get?"

"Nah, it's an inside thing."

"Come on, I wanna see."

With a sigh, Hajime put down his non-alcoholic beer that tasted like crap and pulled up the hem of his shirt to reveal the left side of his chest. Both Em and Mattsun leaned closer and squinted their eyes as they tried to make out the words above Hajime's heart.

"Stump and all," Mattsun mumbled and looked at Hajime confused. "Stump and all? I don't get it."

"I told ya."

"Did Tooru do that?" Em asked while hushing the whimpering baby in her arms.

"Yeah, about a month ago."

"So, it's going alright with you guys?"

Hajime's eyes automatically scanned the backyard until he spotted Tooru playing with the twins by the swings. "Yeah, it's pretty good."

Mattsun glanced at his friend out of the corner of his eyes and caught him smiling to himself.

"Did you start working out again? I couldn't help but notice."

"I've been hitting this one gym across the street from Tooru's studio. I can't go back to my old routine and I'm still looking for a socket that fits better, but yeah."

"I should come with you someday. Sure could use some alone-time from all the chaos," Mattsun said and busied himself with his drink to ignore Em's pointed arched eyebrow.

As if on cue one the twins fell off the swing and started crying, probably more from getting scared than hurt, but immediately her face twisted upside down and tears started flowing down her cheeks. Tooru picked her up, but Hajime could hear all the way to the table she wanted her mommy. With a tired sigh, Em got up and was about to pass the baby to Mattsun when she turned to look at Hajime instead.

"Would you like to hold her? I don't think you two have been properly introduced yet. Here," she lowered the baby carefully in Hajime's arms, "meet your new goddaughter."

She went inside with Tooru and the twins, and the baby quieted down. She looked up at Hajime with her swollen black eyes, and he offered his finger for her to claps her fist around. Apart from the slanted eyes and flat nose, she didn't seem that different.

"Have you thought any names for her?"

"Molly."

"Another one with the M? Maddie, Mavis, Molly?"

Mattsun grinned at Hajime. "What can I say, Em likes the M. Can't get enough of it."

"How do the girls like their new sister?"

"I think the charm of novelty has worn off already. The other night, Mavis asked when are we gonna take her back to the hospital."

Hajime smiled at the baby, and her eyes widened comically. "You heard that? And it's only gonna get harder from here, buddy. You're gonna be on the receiving end of a lot of sibling-on-sibling violence and treachery."

"Oh god, don't scare me," Mattsun groaned. "I can already imagine."

"When are you going back to work?"

"In about two weeks. They gave me time-off pretty liberally. It seems your benefits get a lot better when you mention you're a veteran. At least with the local businesses."

"Never thought I'd see the day when you're selling sportswear and equipment for a living."

"You and me both, buddy, you and me both," Mattsun said with a chuckle and leaned back in his chair which wobbled under his weight. "But it pays the bills, I guess."

"Do you ever miss the army?"

Mattsun was quiet for a while and let his eyes wander around the backyard littered with children's toys.

"Sometimes, but most of the time I'm glad I got out. I miss the action, though. Customer service can be tiring, and there are days when I'd rather cram myself in a dusty ass tent with ten other guys for months than deal with another idiot asking me about sneaker sales. But on the other hand, I get to see the girls off every morning and argue about bedtime and brushing your teeth. So, it's all more than worth it." He took a sip of his lemonade with ice and the melting cubes clinked against the glass. "I've been considering doing some bouncer gigs, though. Can't let myself lose the edge completely. What about you? I know you're doing therapy and all that, but have you thought about possible jobs?"

"They actually called me about an instructor's position, but I haven't given my answer yet."

"Who? The army?"

"Yeah."

"Really? What field?"

"Guns and tech. They have this new fancy simulation environment they want me to use to train new recruits. I could have my own group and all. Make it as small or big as I want."

"Whoa. What's holding you back?"

The baby cooed, and Hajime wiggled his finger in front of her. She grabbed it again which seemed to be enough entertainment for her.

"I dunno. It's a lot of work, and with the meds and all…I dunno."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. But still, it's one hell of an opportunity. Would you rather sell sneakers?"

"With all that's going on, that doesn't sound half bad."

"Well, whatever you decide to do make sure it's what you want to do."

"Yeah, we'll see. I feel like I need to get myself properly on track before taking on new responsibilities."

"How's the therapy going?"

Hajime rolled his eyes and sighed. "God, I'm sick of it. The constant talking is exhausting."

"But it's helping, right?"

"Yeah, but I still hate it."

Em came back with the twins and Tooru. The kids were sucking on popsicles, and even Tooru was licking an ice cream. For a moment, Hajime's eyes locked on the pink tongue darting out to slurp the sweet melting coldness.

"Do you ever – " Hajime begun without thinking but bit down on his tongue.

"Hmm? Do I ever what?"

"Nothing, forget it. It's getting a bit cooler by now, right? Can't keep the windows open at night anymore."

"Oh, come on, you can't start something and then not tell me. Out with it!"

Hajime nodded down at the baby in his arms. "It's something I'd rather not discuss while holding your newborn daughter."

Mattsun grinned. "Well, that's the biggest pro with the newborn, you could tell the state secrets right at their face and they'd be none the wiser. I promise she won't repeat anything you say. What is it?"

Quickly Hajime looked around to make sure no one was within earshot. Other than an innocent little baby girl. Em was pushing Maddie on the swing, and Tooru was playing with Mavis in the sandbox. Hajime shifted awkwardly and leaned closer to Mattsun.

"Do you ever…," he said with a hushed voice. "I mean, how are you and Em doing…in the bedroom?"

Mattsun frowned in confusion. "Bedroom?"

"Well, in the bed area of the bedroom, more specifically."

"Is this another inside thing I'm not getting?"

"Jesus, you're gonna make me spell it out for ya, aren't you?"

A smug little smile appeared and broke Mattsun's innocent confusion. "I am a little, yeah."

"So?" Hajime demanded with an annoyed glare. "How are things with you on that department? You got any…problems?"

"You mean can I get it up?" Mattsun deadpanned.

Hajime flinched, took another sweep of their surroundings, and attempted to cover the baby's ears with one hand. "Keep your damn voice down, idiot," he half-whispered.

"We're both adults here."

"Yeah, but – "

"But to answer your question, yeah, I have those problems. Sometimes. Usually lasts about a month or so after we get home, a bit longer after the last tour. But we have little kids, so it's not like we'd be at it 24/7 anyway."

A bit tense and waiting for Mattsun to drop another bomb Hajime cleared his throat. "How did you, you know – how did you take care of it?"

"What have you tried?"

"I'm not gonna – just answer the damn question!"

Mattsun shrugged. "I went to see my doctor, and he prescribed me some of the blue magic."

"That's it? Did it help?"

"Yeah, but," Mattsun looked at him, "like my doctor pointed out, it's just a band-aid, not a cure. In our case, and yours especially, it's not about just not getting it up. If you're having problems, you should talk about it to your therapist. Besides, you're gonna need a prescription anyway."

"Sure, sure," Hajime waved impatiently, "but you're saying it helped?"

"Most times, yes. But seriously, you need to deal with the cause, too, not just the symptom."

Hajime groaned and leaned back in his chair. "Jesus, you sound just like my therapist."

"What about Tooru? What does he think about all this?"

"He acts like it's not a big deal. He keeps saying we should just give it more time. But I know he's just trying not make me feel bad about it. I mean, come on, what else could he do?"

"Maybe he's telling the truth?"

"Yeah, well, it doesn't matter, I'm gonna fix it."