Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns Harry Potter.
11 hours before wedding ceremony 3:34 am on May 28, 2007
Who knew getting a lap dance from a Godric Gryffindor impersonator could be so erotic?
Hermione just had to laugh as the Salazar Slytherin impersonator pushed Gryffindor out of the way to shake his green thong clad ass in her face. The impersonators themselves were fine male specimens with rock hard 6 packs and tan, muscled arms and legs. Unfortunately, all their dancing was doing was making her wish for Draco. She didn't get turned on by tan skin, much preferring Draco's cool alabaster skin.
She had asked him one time if he ever tanned and he just looked at her horrified, proclaiming that his white skin was a gift from Merlin and he would never leave the house without a sun repellant charm. At the time, she had just rolled her eyes but now she found that she missed his pasty white body.
The night hadn't started off so rowdy.
Ginny had shown up at Hermione's apartment at 7pm to help Hermione dress and do her hair. She had felt a little scandalous in the white mini dress that stopped halfway up in her thigh and seemed to be way too low cut in the front but Ginny had encouraged her to show off her goods and promised that there would be no press around to catch the assistant Minister of Magic dressed so indecently. Not wanting to be a party pooper, Hermione had reluctantly agreed but refused to wear the kitten heels Ginny had presented her with, choosing instead a pair of strappy pair of sandal with only a slight heel, insuring that she wouldn't trip and break an ankle before the wedding.
Ginny had taken her to El Amor, a new trendy restaurant in Muggle London to meet up with the rest of the girls, mainly Luna, Daphne and Pansy.
After ordering their first round of drinks, Ginny had presented Hermione with a to-do list for the night with the following items listed as tasks she had to complete:
Kiss a bald man's head
Wee in the men's loo
Do an impression of the groom
Tell a stranger that you are only marrying him for the money
Sing 'Like a Virgin' loudly
Accept any free drink bought for you
Get a lap dance
Hermione had initially blanched as the rest of the girls howled at the list, knowing how very un-Hermione it would prove to be. Her Gryffindor pride hurt, Hermione took the list, quickly memorized it and walked over to talk to the barman, who happened to be bald. The girls just watched in amazement as Hermione kneeled on a stool to lean over the bar to kiss the top of the man's head, then gave it a quick rub.
As she returned to the table, Ginny asked, "Why did you rub his head?"
"For good luck," Hermione smirked as she crossed off number 1 on her list.
Five free drinks later, Hermione was feeling the buzz of the alcohol she had consumed and decided it was time to complete numbers 3 and 4 on the list. Pansy decided to join her for this task while the rest of the girls chatted idly at the table.
Walking over to a group of women who appeared to be nurses based on the scrubs they were wearing, Hermione struck up a conversation, introducing Pansy to them and telling them it was her bachelorette party, after which they bought her another drink which she sipped more slowly.
"Can I tell you a secret?" she whispered to the group of women who leaned in closer because what woman doesn't love a juicy secret?
With an exaggerated wink, she said, "I'm really only marrying him for his money. I mean, he's loaded and has huge vacation houses all over the place. He's not bad in the sack but it's his money I truly love."
The nurses tittered around the table and clinked their glasses with Hermione who smirked at Pansy who was shaking her head.
Hermione and Pansy hadn't always had the best relationship but when Pansy had started working for Hermione at the Ministry, they came to a tentative partnership which turned into a fabulous friendship. Pansy was Hermione's go to for all things Pureblood that she didn't understand.
"Mione, what was it you were telling me about last week? That thing Draco did..," Pansy asked, prompting Hermione to complete number 3 on the list.
"Oh, you mean when he wanted to have sex on a bed covered in pounds?" Hermione stated, "He said, 'Call me Mr. Moneycock because I have everything you could ever need," Hermione finished in a perfect Malfoy drawl, she even tilted his nose in the air like Draco had a tendency to do.
The nurses laughed and told Hermione that she should ride Moneycock for all that he was worth.
Pansy and Hermione bid adieu to the nurses and made their way to the table where Luna was sitting alone. Ginny and Daphne had gone to make quick phone calls home to make sure their children were okay.
"Hermione, it's my turn to help you complete a number off the list," Luna said, smiling at Hermione in that dreamy way Hermione just didn't understand.
"Sure, Luna. What number are we going to do?" Hermione asked.
"Well, I have to go to the bathroom so I think we need to complete number 2-Wee in the men's room."
Shrugging her shoulders because she really did need to pee, Hermione followed Luna to the restrooms in the back of the restaurant.
Luna went to push open the men's door but Hermione grabbed her arm, asking, "Shouldn't we check to see if there is anyone in there?"
Smiling, Luna replied, "Where's the fun in that?" and proceeded to push the door open to expose a man peeing in the center urinal. He hadn't noticed them enter but the girls decided to stand on either side of him and mimic peeing.
"Jolly good weather we are having this week," Luna said quietly to the man who froze mid-pee and turned to look at Luna. He was so stunned that he lost control of his penis and peed all over the bathroom wall. Quickly tucking himself back into his pants, the man left the bathroom without comment and without looking back.
"No more men," Luna said.
Hermione just laughed, "Luna, I love you."
"I love you too, Mione. Now let's figure out how to wee in a urinal so we can get this over with."
It took some trying and some ingenious spell work but Luna decided they should transfigure a paper towel into a curved glass tube that would allow them to have a penis of sorts so they could pee standing up and it would go through the tube and into the urinal. As she hiked up her dress, Hermione vowed to never tell another soul about what was happening tonight. It would be too terrifying to retell sober.
Once both girls had removed their temporary penises, they transfigured them back into paper towels and threw them away in the garbage can.
"I quite liked that," Luna said as they washed their hands, "I might have to try to polyjuice myself into a man to see what it actually feels like to pee standing. Maybe Blaise will help me."
Rolling her eyes, Hermione thought that Blaise would be more than happy to help Luna as he was willing to do anything with a woman.
The pair left the loo and headed back to the table where the ladies looked like they were packing up to leave.
"Are we going somewhere?" Hermione asked, confused. She still hadn't finished the list and she didn't think Ginny would let her get away without completing it.
Ginny smiled a rather devious smile that made Hermione nervous.
"Yes, my dear bride. We are heading to A Tale's Shoppe."
"The bookstore where Draco and I reconnected? Why are we heading there?" Hermione asked.
"Because I know how horny books make you feel, Hermione Granger, so get ready for erotica extraordinaire," Ginny replied.
Hermione gulped as the group led her out of El Amor.
Needless to say, Salazar Slytherin and Godric Gryffindor had been waiting for her at A Tale's Shoppe.
Ginny had transfigured a chair into a throne of sorts and had Hermione sit on it.
Somewhere off to the side,music began to play and the two strippers began to slowly remove their robes, leaving them in house appropriate neckties and green and red thongs. Godric swiveled up to her and whispered in her ear, "Would you like to feel my Gryffindor sword?"
Hermione blushed scarlett. The alcohol was leaving her system and her inhibitions were coming back.
"Um, no thank you," she whispered.
Luna stood up and promptly put her hand in Godric's junk, giving him a good grope.
"Hermione, I think the nargles are interfering with your brain. You need to come feel this sword. It's rather impressive," said Luna giving Godric another squeeze as his 'sword' started expanding.
Salazar moved in front of Hermione, twerking his hips and gyrating every which way.
"You have a rather impressive range of mobility," Hermione complimented him when he didn't stop or move away. Godric was now dancing for Luna and Pansy who were throwing galleons at him.
"Can I open your Chamber of Secrets with my parseltongue?" Salazar moving to squat just above Hermione's thighs and thrust his barely covered dick toward her.
"I beg your pardon?" Hermione asked, stunned at what he had just asked her.
"He wants to go down on you, Mione," Ginny stated from across the circle, "Don't worry, we've paid for the whole package tonight so they are willing to do anything but at the end of the night, they will take a memory potion and not remember a thing."
Hermione didn't think she could have gotten any more red as she said, "No thank you."
Salazar just shrugged, saying, "Let me know if you change your mind."
Luna beckoned him over to her. Pansy and Godric had disappeared and it looked like Luna was going to have her wicked way with Salazar.
Turning toward her best friend, Hermione asked, "Did you really think I would do that and cheat on Draco with some stripper?"
Ginny just grinned at her, "Nah but I wanted to give you the chance. I wanted to give you one last opportunity to have sex with a stranger before you tie yourself down to Moneycock forever."
"Overheard that, did you?"
"Oh, yes," Ginny smiled wickedly. Daphne just laughed.
"Now," Ginny said, "We have one last thing to do from the list and since Luna and Pansy are currently occupied, Daph and I have agreed to help you. We are going to go serenade Malfoy Manor with a very loud rendition of 'Like A Virgin."
'Kill me now,' thought Hermione.
AN: Let me know your thoughts on this chapter in a review!