A/N: this chapter is mostly just zadr lol rip

Once he realized what was happening, that he was now kissing an alien oh my God what the fuck- Dib immediately recoiled, his face burning. He felt the shame settle in and he suddenly wished that the cold vacuum of space would bust through the floor of the room and swallow him whole. "Fuck, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I don't know why I did that…"

Zim remained still in a stunned silence, his eyes wide and unblinking, his cheeks flushed a vibrant purple, lips still slightly parted.

"Oh God, I probably scarred you for life…" Dib whined as he covered his reddening face with his hands. "Look, I'm really sorry, I don't know why I did that, but I won't do it again."

"Dib-"

"It was a spur of the moment thing really, I don't know why I reacted that way but you said my minute was up and I panicked and I just-"

Small hands were suddenly cradling his face, effectively silencing him. "Dib!" Zim's dark, berry-colored orbs bored into him, and Dib all the sudden felt like the galaxy was pouring into his head.

"What… was that for..?" he asked.

"Oh, uh, it's… it's called a kiss, it's-"

"I know what it's called Dib, Zim is no fool. I've been on Earth long enough to be somewhat familiar with your filthy mating cultures." Zim cringed as he said the word "mating", pulling a face of disgust. "What I want to know is why."

The question he'd been dreading since it happened- like, thirty seconds ago. "I… I don't know? I just, I… you were sitting there across from me and you weren't saying anything and you just looked…"

"Looked..?" Zim prompted, urging for an explanation.

"I don't know how you looked, you just...! Ugh! While you were counting down, I was just looking at you and thinking and thinking and then I thought about old times- all those journals I used to keep about you, and I thought of what I'd write in them now and they… I- fuck."

Zim didn't say anything this time, but he still looked rather confused- and rightly so. Dib knew he was just babbling at this point. After all, how could he even begin to make sense of this?

"Just- God, I don't know." Dib buried his head in his hands, raking his fingers through his hair, before slowly raising his head again to reluctantly meet Zim's eyes. "All I know is… you're the most frustrating person I've ever met in my life- you're loud, you're obnoxious, you complain. But every time I think about… my future, what I'm going to do if we make it out of this… I can't see a future that doesn't have you in it. With me. And- I don't know what that means, but-"

"Dib."

Zim's hands were on his again, and it's then when Dib realized just how much the Irken's touch set his body on fire.

"Zim thinks… that the Dib thinks too much."

Dib smiled halfheartedly. "No offense, but… this is a lot to take in, I think I have the right."

"But Zim… has also been thinking the same thing," he admitted. "No one could ever be you, Dib." He cleared his throat, but Dib didn't miss the way he opened his eye slightly to meet Dib's gaze. "No one could ever match up to me. There's no one but you. That is why I will not accept anyone else as my mortal enemy."

"…Right," Dib said with a dry, breathy laugh. "Mortal enemy..."

"You sound disappointed," Zim noted.

Dib was hoping that he wouldn't pick up on that- but there wasn't much he could get past him these days. "No, it's just… I thought we were past that. You know… friends, at least."

Zim looked as if he were considering this, before he let out a laugh. "It's true that, perhaps we are now on… better terms. But you can't erase what we were, Dib. That's how we met. That's what we'll always be, underneath all that we've built since… that is the foundation of who we are. Did you think we could just forget that and become bestest friends?"

"Well… yeah, actually," Dib admitted, his tone coming off as a bit annoyed. "Zim, do you still… you know... hate me..?"

Why did the Dib sound so desperate, like he'd fall apart with the wrong answer? "I… Zim has always hated you, you fool…"

"I mean, right now," Dib urged. "In the present… in this moment… do you hate me?"

Zim recoiled, drawing further away from Dib as if increasing their distance would get him out of having to answer his question.

"Answer me," Dib demanded, drawing closer to him every time Zim tried to move away.

"I… well what about you?! Do you hate Zim?!" Zim asked, pointing an accusatory finger at Dib.

Dib shrugged. "Sometimes, yeah. But no, not really. I don't really hate you, not anymore. Stopped hating you a long time ago. Now was that so hard?"

"How am I supposed to answer you?" Zim retorted. He grabbed the tips of his antennae, pulling on them in frustration. "What do you want from Zim?! What are you expecting from me? How long are you going to torment me like this?"

Concern overtook the pain of apparent rejection. "Torment you? Zim, what's wrong?"

"You know what's wrong! Ever since you came and rescued Zim like a fool... it doesn't stop."

"What doesn't stop?"

"You. All the time. In my amazing head."

Dib blinked- that definitely hadn't been the response he was expecting.

"How much longer until you're satisfied, human?"

"Tell me how to stop it, then," Dib offered. "If I'm really the one making you feel like this, then just tell me how to stop it."

"I thought you would know that!" Zim shouted.

"No, I don't even know what you're talking about! Besides, what's the big deal anyway?! I know this is new for you- and I know your PAK has been taking a toll on you. I know you're in rough shape right now, and I'm sorry. Believe me I am; I'd do anything to help you. But I don't know what else to do for you Zim! You never make any sense! One minute you want my help, the next minute you don't! So what do you want me to say?! How do you expect me to fix you?!"

"I DON'T KNOW!" Zim screamed, his chest heaving. "I don't know, I don't know, I don't know! I just want it to stop! I want to stop caring about you… I want the ache in my 'spooch to stop… I want… I want…"

"…Zim. Stay still for a second."

Dib reached for his hands again, but the alien resisted, batting Dib's hand away. "Stay away from Zim!"

After a bit of a struggle, Dib managed to grab both of Zim's wrists, and when he had him still enough, pulled him into his arms.

"Stop it! Get off me! You're making it worse! You're making it- mmph!"

Dib was kissing him again, but it was different from before. The last kiss had been gentle, full of uncertainty and curiosity- but this one was raw, full of intense passion- designed to prove a point. Without even realizing it, Zim had closed his eyes and responded in turn, winding his arms around Dib's neck. His teeth roughly bit at Dib's bottom lip as his claws dug into the tiny curls of hair at the base of his neck. It was filthy, disgusting- he hated it but he never ever wanted it to stop. The pain in his spooch dissipated when Dib was near, as he'd noticed, and he'd been living with it for so long now that having it subside was an extremely satisfying feeling unlike any other.

Dib parted, chest heaving for breath. "How… do you feel now...?"

Zim placed one clawed hand against his chest. "Zim feels… confused… and angry, but… also relieved..?"

"…Me too," Dib admitted with a goofy, lopsided grin.

Zim mirrored his grin. "Then I guess that makes us both a couple of fools."

"I'm no doctor," Dib began with an almost professional tone, as if he actually were a doctor giving a diagnosis, "but I think your problem's the same as mine."

"Oh? And what would that be?" Zim inquired, his voice almost a low purr.

"I'm a hopeless nerd in love with his old nemesis," Dib admitted, "go figure- the local freak also happens to be a xenophile."

"Love," Zim repeated, as if the word were foreign. "How disgusting. An Irken in love. If you're the local freak, then what does that make me?"

"You've always been a freak," Dib teased, "but it's alright. We're all kinda freaks in some way."

Zim huffed defiantly. "No, the Dib is the freak. That is why Zim is superior."

If he were eleven years old again, the two would've bickered a bit more before getting into one of their infamous fistfights. Now, as a 19 year old adult, he found that what he wanted to do instead was vastly different.

Dib sighed, taking Zim's hands within his own. He noticed that that seemed to calm him, for whatever reason. "Look, I don't even know for sure if it's… that, but I think there's one thing we both know at this point, and it's that… we're better together, you and I. So… let's not torment ourselves anymore."

Zim seemed to be satisfied with that response, allowing Dib to pull him closer. "So… what? Now we do that filthy 'lurve' thing?"

"It's not as filthy as you think," Dib argued. "I think it comes with a few perks that almost make it worth it."

"Like?" Zim prompted.

"Like," Dib inched closer, his mouth hovering over Zim's, "this."

"The Massive is going to be surrounded by ships. They'll detect us as soon as we come within range." Lard Nar started, gesturing to the holoscreen with a gloved hand.

Meosori was quick to chime in, swiping the holoscreen to reveal a simulation of a fleet of ships. "Which is why we've devised a distraction- thanks to the help of the Meekrob and the Heirians, we've comprised a small fleet that will distract those ships while the rest of you sneak in to capture the Tallests."

"You're all welcome, by the way," Infera cut in with an angry huff from her spot against the wall, "it took me hours of haggling to get the higher-ups back on my home planet to agree to this."

"Hold on," Fruo cut in, raising his hand objectively. "Aren't we basically just… using those other soldiers as bait?"

Lard Nar lowered his head, as if he were ashamed, and stayed silent. In fact, no one in the room seemed to have a good enough answer for him as the silence grew.

Vythani was quick to speak once the tense silence in the room started to become deafening. "…I'm terribly sorry, Fruo, I truly am, but we're at war. There's a bigger picture here. Besides- we are all fighting for the same cause."

"But Fruo's got a point," Dib added. "Do they know that we're basically throwing them into the meat grinder?"

"This is war," Vythani repeated, his voice shockingly stern. "Surely you all know the risks. They do as well. I wish it didn't have to be like this, but we simply don't have the luxury."

"Then why can't we just attack head on?" Fruo argued. "Why do we have to sacrifice people?! It just doesn't seem right to me!"

"It's not!" Vythani bellowed, effectively silencing everyone in the room. "It's not right, nothing about war is right. After the horrors I've witnessed, I'd give anything for things to not have to be this way. But if someone doesn't do something, more people will suffer and die by the Irken Empire. And the only thing Irkens know is war, battle, blood, suffering- that's the only way to get through to them. And what- attack head on?" Vythani bit back a dry laugh. "Attack head on and we'll all be killed, and what good would that do all the people who are suffering right now?" He raked a hand through his hair and heaved a long sigh. "All I'm saying is that in war the rules are a little bit different. And if you want to make a change, you have to abide by them, no matter how unfair they may be."

Fruo narrowed his eyes before ducking his head, reluctantly falling silent.

Vythani nodded towards Lard Nar. "Pardon me for my outburst, captain. Please, continue."

"R-Right," Lard Nar stuttered before clearing his throat. "Ahem, so where were we? Yes, the ships! Once we've got the Massive right where we want it, a few of our cruiser ships will sneak in around the back- here. It will most likely be heavily guarded, which is why I'm only sending the best of the best. You will infiltrate the Massive, capture the Tallest alive, and meet back on this ship, where we will set a course for Irk."

"Irk," Zim thought to himself, "for the first time in years, I'm going home…" Zim hadn't been on Irk since he was a smeet. A mere month after he was hatched he was shipped off to a military training planet. He barely remembered the place. What did it look like now? What had changed?

He was almost afraid to find out.

"A copy of the Control Brain Interface is on the Massive- how will we get onboard undetected? It'll be notified as soon as we step foot within the ship," Dib asked.

"That's a good question- that's actually where you come in, Dib!"

Dib blinked, eyes widening. "Me..?"

"I told you your hacking skills would come in handy," Lard Nar replied with a wink. "Infera is the best hacker on this ship- she will be leading you and a group of other hackers in briefly deactivating the Control Brains' security system. That will be our first step."

"Once the security system goes down, that'll be the cue to infiltrate," Meosori continued.

"We've set our course for the Massive, and at our current speed, we'll catch up to them within 36 Earth hours. Once this meeting is adjourned, you should all begin to prepare," Atra said.

"I know… that all of you have your own reasons for being here," Lard Nar began, clearing his throat as if preparing for a speech, "but regardless of your personal reasons… when we succeed… we're going to save millions of lives. Each and every one of you here today will be a part of that- so feel proud. Hold onto that- and do your very best. Meeting adjourned."

"This is outrageous!" Zim shouted angrily, throwing his hands up into the air exaggeratedly as he paced back and forth around his room. "They're sending me, Zim, out onto the battlefield while the Dib gets to stay here all safe and sound?! Ridiculous!"

"Trust me, I don't like it either," Dib told him, "but I'm just… needed here, I guess."

"Right. Of course you are," Zim huffed before plopping down onto his bed, arms folded over his chest.

Dib couldn't help but smile adoringly at his hopeless alien before seating himself next to him. "How have you been? Has your PAK been getting any worse?"

Zim shook his head. "No. But it's strange… around you, my PAK seems to be… stable. I don't feel as weak physically when I'm with you."

"Strange indeed," Dib agreed with a taunting smirk, "maybe it knows you made out with a human."

"That is the stupidest theory I've ever heard," Zim grumbled.

Dib didn't miss the way his cheeks turned bright pink at his words. He threw his hands up defensively, grinning suavely. "Just a thought." He suddenly stood up, stretching his aching limbs. "I should probably go hit the hay, we don't have long before we have to head out and I wanna get some rest in before-"

"Wait."

Dib paused when he felt a gloved hand wrap itself around his wrist.

"Stay… with Zim," he said quietly, refusing to look him in the eye.

"You uh… want me to stay?"

"Fool, is that not what I just said? Zim just… wants the Dib's presence near him, is that such a bad thing?"

Just why did he have to be so adorable? "No, not at all," he replied before moving to sit down next to him. "Wanna see what's on TV?"

Since they were, well- in space, all that the television provided was prerecorded programs and old movies. Most of them were in alien languages Dib didn't know- and he imagined that Zim really didn't feel like translating, judging by the way he pressed his face into the crook of his neck.

As Dib searched for a movie that was available in English, a random, but intriguing question came to him, and he had the sudden urge to ask the Irken beside him. "Zim, do Irkens make movies? I mean- do you guys even have an entertainment industry?"

"'Course not," Zim mumbled tiredly into the skin of his neck. "Conquering planets is entertainment enough. Though there are a few televised events, such as the Great Assigning."

"So, if you didn't have TV… what did you guys do for fun?"

"Recreation didn't really exist," Zim mumbled, "from the moment we're hatched, we're immediately shipped off to the academy."

"Does every Irken have to be an invader?"

He felt Zim smile against him. "Of course not, foolish Dib-monkey. When we're fitted with our PAK's, they tell us what our jobs are meant to be. Mine, of course, since it was damaged, never told me anything. But I didn't need it to. I knew what I wanted to do."

He didn't know where this slew of sudden questions was coming from- but now that he had the Irken alone and they were on good terms again, he figured it'd be a good opportunity to learn, right? "Well, what kind of other jobs are there?"

"All kinds," Zim replied, "though certain positions are reserved for the Tallers. Invaders are not the highest rank of soldier, but… I was desperate to prove myself to the Tallest…"

Dib felt him stiffen against him and looked down to meet Zim's eyes. "Zim? You okay?"

Zim nodded slowly. "Y-Yes, Zim… Zim is fine," he reassured him. "Zim has been thinking lately… about what the others said… regarding the Tallest. If we succeed in capturing them… then I am the one who must interrogate."

"Zim, you don't have to do anything," Dib reminded him. "We can get someone else-"

"No," he interrupted. "An Irken will, quite literally, die before they fail to protect the Empire. I'm the only chance we have at getting any information. But Zim… Zim is not sure if he can…"

Dib placed a gentle hand against the Irken's cheek. "Zim, listen to me," he said. "It's not the end of the world if we don't get anything from them. We'll just have to go about it a different way if that's the case. You don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with-"

"This is war, Dib," Zim interrupted sharply. "Drastic things are going to be required of me, of all of us. Tell me…" He abruptly sat up, Dib's hand falling from his cheek. "Are you prepared for that?"

"…No," Dib answered truthfully. "I'm not. But at this point… I don't have much of a choice, do I?"

Zim stared at him as if he had grown a second head, and for a moment Dib feared he had said something wrong, but relaxed a bit when he saw Zim's defeated grin. "You humans… you never cease to amaze me with your foolish recklessness."

"You have no room to talk, space boy," Dib reminded him, urging Zim to lay back down beside him. "I think 'reckless' could be your middle name."

"Wrong," Zim mumbled as he got comfortable in his human's embrace, "Most Irkens only have one name- but some get the privilege of choosing a surname. Middle names are just pointless. Two names is already more than enough, don't you think? Seriously, what's the point of three names?"

"It's to tell us apart, for one," Dib explained, "a lot of people have the same name."

"The same name? That's just stupid- every Irken has a different title."

Dib hummed softly to himself as he traced patterns on Zim's shoulder. "Mmm… how do Irkens get named anyway? You guys don't have parents."

Zim didn't recoil like he used to when Dib initiated physical contact between them. Instead, he welcomed it. He had to admit, he liked that not every touch between them now was violent. He had never known affection to this degree, to this extent. Having that was refreshing in a way he couldn't even begin to understand. "Our PAK's. They tell us our names, the whole of Irken history, and what we're destined to be, as soon as we're fitted with them- which is essentially right out of hatching."

"Hatching? So… I get that you guys are cloned, but… how, exactly?"

Zim quirked an antenna. "Full of questions tonight, aren't you? Why are you so interested in the amazing past of Zim all the sudden?"

Dib shrugged. "I dunno, it's just… we've known each other for years and yet… I really feel like I don't know anything about you."

Zim averted the human's intense gaze, instead focusing on the folds of the sheets. "…It is probably for the best that you don't know."

"What? Come on, you mentioned you did some dark stuff but… that's all behind you now. Nothing you can say could possibly scare me away, I mean… look at us. I'm dating my former enemy, who once decided that stealing organs would help him fit in. That's like… next level weird."

Zim shuddered at the memory. Looking back on it now- even he could admit it wasn't his finest moment. "I am not sure you would understand… Irken society is so much different from your filthy primitive ways. Earth children, as I've noticed… seem much more… liberated. Do you remember that day, all those years ago when Miss Bitters assigned us our future careers?"

"You mean that day you went through that gross alien molt, lizard-boy?" Dib teased. "Yeah, I remember. Why?"

Zim lightly smacked him on the arm. "The children mentioned all the things they wanted to be when they reached adulthood… and I could not help but be reminded of myself at that age. Irkens do not desire, the only thing we like is destruction and serving our Tallest, but… for as long as I can remember… I had my own goals, my own desires. Of course I still wanted to serve my leaders, but… it was different from the others."

"That's not such a bad thing, is it? Being different."

"It is in my society," Zim told him. "But of course, I paid it no mind at the time because I thought I was doing my Tallest proud."

"…Did you really do it, Zim?" Dib asked quietly. "Did you really kill two of your leaders?"

"…Yes," Zim admitted. It was something he had barely been able to admit to himself, yet here he was, admitting it out-loud to the Dib-beast. "The creature I made got out of my control and destroyed them both."

"…O-Oh…"

Zim sat up again, his smile uncharacteristically soft, lacking any sort of malice or mischievousness. "How strange… I never mourned for anyone that got in my way before…"

Dib sat up with him, scooting ever closer to him. "Zim… I'm sorry, I shouldn't have made you relive all of this…"

"Eh? No, it's just… not too long ago I would've told this story as if I were proud… now, I… I feel… conflicted. I hate it!"

"…I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing," Dib said reassuringly. "It just means… you're changing."

"…That is what I've been trying to say, Dib," Zim said, antennae lowering as if he were ashamed. "Irkens… do not change. We are not supposed to change. From the moment we enter life… to the moment we die… we are to be exactly the same. Yet humans… humans are supposed to change! You disgusting little apes constantly change… all the time, in all sorts of ways! So why am I… becoming like you…"

Dib gently took Zim's hands within his own. "Maybe it's because… you were never like them to begin with."

Zim chuckled bitterly, but didn't respond, knowing that Dib was probably right.

"Zim."

"Mmm?"

"C'mere."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

Begrudgingly, Zim scooted forward across the bed until he was practically in Dib's lap, his cheeks flushing profusely. "Now what?"

"Now, relax." He tentatively wrapped his arms around the Irken. "Jeez, you're so tense… do you ever calm down, at all?"

"'S not good to let your guard down…" Zim mumbled tiredly into Dib's chest.

Dib grinned. "Is that so?" His hands wandered up and down Zim's arms, his shoulders, and his back. God, that PAK has got to be uncomfortable. Now that Zim was starting to need sleep- how did he get it with that thing on his back? "How do you sleep now with this thing?"

"On my side," Zim answered. "Back home, in my, erm… private chambers, I had a bed. I rarely used it, but it was designed to accommodate for my PAK. Unfortunately, this mattress is not."

"Private chambers?" Dib smirked. "Sounds kinky."

Zim tilted his head. "Kinky?"

"It's uh- nevermind." Dib shook his head. "Sorry for all the questions tonight, it's just… I'm still kind of shocked that we're… you know… touchy-feely now."

"Do you not like it?"

"Wha- no! I mean, yeah, of course I like it! I just- I mean… it's a little weird, you have to admit."

"A little?"

"Okay, a lot weird. But, it's a good weird. It's the kind of weird that… makes me curious…"

Embarrassed by Dib's tone, Zim buried his face further into his shirt. "About what?"

"Like…" Dib trailed off, wracking his brain for suggestions. His eyes fell on the two black stalks hanging limply on either side of Zim's head. "Your antennae."

As if on cue, they both perked up almost instantaneously. "W-What do you want with my antennae..?"

"Well, what are they used for? Do you use them to hear?"

"Yes and no. My antennae can be more accurately described as feelers. I can sense vibrations with them."

"Cool…" Dib blurted- because, well, it was cool. It wasn't every day that you got to meet an alien, let alone befriend, make out with, and then proceed to date said alien. "Can- Can I touch them?"

"No!" Zim shouted, and upon realizing that he had raised his voice a tad too high, cleared his throat. "Er, I mean… no. My antennae are sensitive and even the slightest amount of pressure can- gahhhh!"

Zim's words were cut off by an undignified yelp as Dib's fingers made their way to his antennae, taking the both of them between his fingers. "Wow…" Dib mused as he lightly pinched the bases. "They really are cool, Zim…"

"Sh-Shut up…" Zim could barely speak as Dib's fingers brought him a feeling so foreign that it was overwhelming. "S-Stop that!"

Dib immediately paused. "Am I hurting you?"

"N-No, it just… feels weird…"

"Good weird or bad weird?"

"I don't know! It's…" Zim paused to clear his throat, "not… completely unpleasant…"

Dib couldn't help but smirk as he continued to stroke the quivering antennae. "Then I'll take that as my cue to keep going. Just relax, okay?"

"Dib-"

"Zim. Trust me. I won't hurt you."

Something about Dib's tone almost made him feel… secure? Strange. With Dib's reassurance, his hesitance was all but gone, fading into a strong desire to just be close to the human. And well- Zim had never been the kind to deny himself what he wanted. With a newfound confidence, Zim relaxed into Dib's touch, slotting their hips together as he leaned into the fabric of his uniform.

"Mmm… Dib-beast" he crooned, "more… Zim demands you continue…"

Dib continued to lightly stroke and rub, applying various amounts of pressure to the bases and the tips to see how he'd react. He was careful not to press too hard, knowing that he could easily hurt him. Eventually he heard Zim's breathing even out and realized that he'd fallen asleep on him, a content smile and soft flush present on his face. Geez- how was that the same face of the alien who'd tried to kill him years ago? He looked so peaceful, so calm like this- had he ever known the sensation of sleep before all of this happened?

"Get some sleep," he whispered. "You deserve this."

He lay back onto the bed, repositioning Zim so that he was laying comfortably on his side. Despite how he looked, Zim was surprisingly heavy.

Come to think of it- should he stay? He wanted to, but he and Zim had quite literally just started their relationship- wasn't this a bit soon, sleeping in the same bed? Ah, well. Earth's relationship standards probably didn't apply in space anyway. Besides, he was tired, there was a bed right here, and Zim- his alien boyfriend- was already fast asleep.

I will never get used to calling Zim my boyfriend.

With his mind promptly made up, Dib proceeded to get comfortable underneath the blankets, pulling Zim closer to him. He could've sworn that, with the faint glow from the television illuminating the room, he could still see that same content smile on Zim's face.

This was really happening.

He was out in outer space, fighting an oppressive alien regime, and officially dating an alien from said oppressive regime.

What the hell was he supposed to tell his father and Gaz?