Hey, everyone. I am trekking along in life and in posting. I'm trying to be optimistic right now. So lets hope it sticks! I will be updating Manor next and then When or maybe the other way around since there are more followers for one than the other? I waited to update this since it didn't seem as popular.
I know Fog needs an update. I wrote it but I haven't been able to get through it all to edit it yet. Please bear with on that one. It's long and probably needs like three sets of extra eyes or something.
Thank you for your support in any capacity on any story I've done.
There is only one more chapter of this story after this!
Penelope watched as Luke swallowed his pill, never taking his eyes off of her as he brought the glass up to his lips.
"Tell me what happened, Luke. Tell me what the hell happened in between us this afternoon and at the dinner. Tell me." She was only slightly demanding but also pleading.
Luke shook his head. "Garcia..."
"No. No, don't do that. Don't distance yourself just for self preservation. You've taken my honesty from me the past couple of days. You've had all of me without hesitation. You want to make sure you aren't what? Hurting me? Then freaking tell me what the hell happened. Tell me what in the hell I could've actually done to make you hide again." He could hear the emotion in her voice as if she were holding back tears, but her eyes were clear.
Luke put his water down and began to pace. He glanced at her a few times. She was upset, but she was still patient as ever, giving him the time he needed, but she was going to require honesty. He nodded, and she followed him to the couch.
"Yesterday, at my session, the doctor told me to keep thinking about what could make me this way, if there was a reason or if it truly just had come out of nowhere. I told her the only thing that really changed was going on a few dates and, even then, they were short and insignificant, and I wasn't even serious about the girl." Luke took a deep breath. "She asked me about the day I started feeling off, and I told her I had thought it was a hangover. She asked me about my drinking, and I told her the truth, rarely and only socially, but that night I drank more than I normally would've."
"Okay, so you know your body. You know you shouldn't drink like that because it affects your mood. That's not a hard thing to contend with. You barely drink anyway, even when we're at the bar for hours." This didn't answer her question though.
Luke put his elbows on his knees and leaned forward, his head partially bowed. "That's not it though. I mean yes, I shouldn't drink more than I feel comfortable with, but it's the reason I did it. It wasn't because I brought a girl around. It was because you brought a guy around. I didn't realize how much you - I didn't realize how much you meant to me until I saw how much you meant to somebody else. Which is why this is fucked up, Penelope. I can't rely on you like this because, when you're gone, I'll probably get worse. At first, I didn't know what she meant, but, when we got to the dinner tonight, I saw you light up when you saw Nicky and kissed him hello. I felt the flood come over me. It was like I was sinking again. I figured it out. It made sense. I need to let you be happy, and I need to own my mistake of being a complete idiot. I don't know if I had a real chance with you, but the point is I never tried to find out. I just ignored it for a couple years, and then, when I didn't even want to date, I went because I felt something missing. I didn't notice what you became, and now I'm losing my mind just because I ran scared from actually trying and maybe having something real. I fucking pretended like I… Look, the point is, being alone didn't bother me. Being with somebody didn't bother me, but losing you did. I don't know how to reconcile that because why on earth would you want me? I'm messed up. I looked right past you because it might've been too much work, so I obviously put myself first. Then I went out and dated like it was perfectly fine, but you date, and I lose my shit. And now you've seen how bad it can get. What's the point, Penelope? You need to call Nicky. You need to make this right with him. He loves you and wants to protect you, not drag you down. I shouldn't be here taking this from you, not when you could give it to somebody that actually deserves it."
Penelope was stunned but not as devastatingly shocked as she would have been if Nicky hadn't told her what he did. This was all because of her? That, she didn't know, but it sounded like he didn't either. She observed the silent tears streaming down his face to his clasped hands between his knees.
She wanted to reach out and touch him and reassure him, but she already knew how to do that. She didn't know how to talk to him honestly. "Luke, I'm sorry that we let it get to this place. I am, but I'm not going to call Nicky. I spent about a year suppressing my feelings for you and about another one secretly pining for you, and then you went on a date, and I felt sick. A damn date with a nice girl, and I was going to lose my shit too, so I went on vacation with my best friend. I don't know if I ran away or if I just took the time I needed, but I knew I couldn't wait around for you when you weren't waiting for me, and I couldn't blame you if I never said anything either. So yeah, I moved on, but out of necessity, because there is no way that I could have watched you fall in love with someone else while still being in love with you myself."
While she was confessing, Luke turned his gaze to her, and they were now staring at each other. "What have we done, Penelope? Why did we do this to ourselves?" he asked.
"I don't know. I was just scared of being rejected, of you not liking me just as much as I pretended to not like you. I just - I pushed you away when I should've tried to pull you close, and I recognize that even though I was mad at you for moving on, I was to blame because I never said anything. I never did anything."
"Is this fixable? Can we do this? Can we make this good between us?" His tears had subsided, but his voice was still shaky.
"God I hope so. I know we have to start somewhere, and I think that's right here. We have to be honest. We can't hide anything from each other. We can't scream at each other when we really want to talk, and we can't push each other away with sarcasm because we feel exposed. We can't afford to do that. This, if we do this, we have to be completely vulnerable. We have to be utterly and completely surrendered to each other. It's the only way because I cannot afford to guess when it comes to you. I can't do it." She was pleading with him, though she wasn't sure why.
Luke moved closer to her, silently asking her to pull him to her chest again. It was his own sign of surrender, something he'd already been doing when he wasn't looking. He let her see him even when he wasn't sure who he was. "I need this, Penelope, but more importantly, I want it."
She held him close as she let herself finally feel confident about getting what she wanted for a long time. "Is this a good thing though? It was me that threw you for a loop in the first place."
"Penelope, it wasn't you. It wasn't you hurting me. It wasn't because we can't be good for each other. It's because I was losing what I didn't even fight for in the first place. I got too comfortable, and then I saw my life slipping away from me again. It's not that we can't be good to each other, it's that we chose not to be. Let's make a different choice."
"Yes, that's what I want. I'll fight if you do."
He nodded, and she felt the now familiar feeling of the motion on her chest.
"Let's go to bed. We're already late. Do you want to shower?"
"Yeah, I need to feel clean. I need to wash today off of me." Luke went to the bathroom while Penelope went through her usual routine.
She had showered right before they left, so she decided to rub the same spicy vanilla lotion on herself while she waited.
When he came in just like the night before, she looked at him the same way as if nothing changed. When he got under the covers, she set her lotion aside and pulled her shirt off before snuggling into him the way she had been doing for four nights now.
Luke pulled her closer and held her tightly, not unlike the other night, but this time without hesitancy. "I realize that we can't do anything until I'm better. I want to wait until my therapist says she thinks I'm ready, that I'm through the worst of this episode," Luke said to her.
She nodded, running her hand through his hair. "Honestly, I need to feel better too. We need to do this right from now on. We both need time before we have sex, but we're not going to pretend like this isn't already something between us. I can't do that."
"Me either. We might need time to sort everything out, but we're together. I mean, if you want that, then I want that. I don't want to pretend like I'm not already in this. I have been for a long time." She was running her hand through his hair, and he was rubbing circles on her back. "I'll finish the meds and go to my therapy every other day until I'm back where I need to be, but I'll tell you right now, I already feel less burdened. I don't mean I'm on some high of being with someone. I mean I'm not carrying a secret anymore, and it's freeing."
Penelope ran her hands down his sides again, like she had done the past few nights, as he moved his hand up to do the same. "The intimacy between us came rather naturally. I never felt, well, I never felt like I needed to set a boundary. It was like I could feel what you needed," she confessed.
Luke let out a contented sigh. "Yes, I know, it felt exhilarating to touch you, but it also felt like the only thing keeping me grounded."
Penelope brought her hand to his cheek. "I don't want our first real kiss to be in a bed like this. It doesn't have to be under the Eiffel tower while fireworks shoot off, but I just want to take it seriously."
"Me too. I want intimacy tonight, the same as we have been, maybe a little more. I'm not sure I wouldn't have asked anyway, even without these revelations."
Penelope scanned him with the same discerning look she had been every night, already knowing what he meant and deciding whether it was okay with her, the same way she had everything else. She nodded.
Luke took a deep breath and ran his hand from her hip up her side the same way he had time and time again the night before but this time circling closer to her breast. Penelope kept her hand motionless, sitting on his hip. She felt him start to touch her waist and then the sensitive skin on the underside of her breast. She felt the flush of heat creep up her chest to her neck. It was intimate. While it was bordering on sexual, it still was a continuation of the closeness they had been building, the comfort of another person's touch.
Part of Luke was ecstatic, the part of him that thought of her this way in the times when he would let himself think of her writhing underneath him or screaming his name. But the other part of him just wanted the closeness and familiar something that made them both feel good.
He made eye contact with her and commanded that she keep hers looking into his. He ran his hand to the middle of her chest placing his palm there flat, feeling the curves of her chest and then circling the tops of her breasts with his fingers. He could see the need and want in her face, but he could also see how this connection made her feel safe as well. He let his fingers feather light move down to her nipple, barely letting it touch the skin underneath. As he softly moved back and forth, he felt her pebble even harder underneath his touch. He moved his fingers to her other nipple before letting his palm float across the roundest part of her skin.
Their legs were intertwined, and she felt his arousal, which she admitted did make her think about doing more to this man she already loved, but she'd had quite a few nights alone thinking of that, and she could restrain herself, especially now that there was a promise of so many good things to come on the horizon.
He put his palms flat against her skin again, running it from side to side feeling all of the curves of her chest. "Penelope, I think I was forgetting what it was like to be a man or to feel sexual. Not that I didn't think about it, but I was just - I didn't want to talk to girls at a bar. I just wasn't interested. I feel something more than that when I touch you."
"Me too. I was celibate for about two years because, even in the beginning, I must have known I was waiting for you, but I admitted defeat. When I thought you - I had to move on and - Nicky - and I thought it was a real chance…" He already knew that and even though it wasn't pleasant to think about, he understood. She had no choice but to look somewhere else, and she found a good man that she trusted and that mattered.
"I understand, but, from now on, it'll be us together, okay? When we are ready." He scooted closer to her, keeping his hand running across her chest but letting very little space in between them.
"Story?" she queried.
"Yeah, tell me the one about how we're happy. That's the one I need to hear."
"Why hear about? Let's just live it instead."
….
"We need to get up, we need to get going, and we need to meet everyone at the fair." Penelope yawned, placing the back of her hand over her mouth before twisting back into Luke's embrace.
"I know. I know. Routine, but we went to bed later, so we can stay in bed a little bit later than yesterday." He brought his hand from around her back to place on her chest lightly squeezing her breast.
"Hey! Not fair, You can't bribe me." She sleepily admonished him.
"What makes you think this is for you?" He ran his fingers lightly over the swell of her breast and then towards the other one.
"This feels distinctly sexual," She said with an attitude.
"That's because it is. We may not be ready for sex, but I am very ready to become best friends with my girlfriend's chest." He started placing kisses on her shoulder and then her collarbone and then moved to the roundest part of her breasts, moving back and forth between the two.
She was biting her lip, trying to keep in her moan. "Luke," she whispered. "We can't do this before we've even kissed." She was holding the back of his head to her lightly, betraying her words with action.
He continued to kiss her skin, but mumbled into her chest. "We can if we want to. Besides, haven't we already crossed a line?" He knew they hadn't, but right now his morning erection was telling him it was a good argument.
She reluctantly pulled back. "You know we haven't. That was different, and we both know it. This is definitely different, and we both know it."
He accepted that with a nod and instead brought his arms around her back again, cuddling into her. "Okay, well, we can lay here for another half hour, and then I promise we can walk Roxy and do whatever ridiculous thing you've thought up until we have to head to the fair."
"Deal."
"Although, while the fair sounds alright, I guess I really don't want to see everyone that essentially watched us get dumped and then yell at each other in a parking lot." He closed his eyes. That behavior was most unlike him, but he noted that Penelope could make him do all sorts of things he never thought he would.
"Yeah. To be honest, I don't want to see their inquisitive gazes either, but, if we don't go, they might just come over here to make sure we're both still alive, and I definitely don't want that."
"Fine, but maybe don't wear a bra today." He tried to negotiate.
"We're going to a fair with children, not a club with twerking."
Luke shrugged. "Fine, but good luck tonight trying to keep me away from them."
….
"There they are, and neither one of them has a black eye." Rossi gestured to the two people coming towards the group with his eyebrow.
"Wow, they're practically married," JJ said dryly, as she spun around to check on her children jumping in the bouncy castle.
"They still look like they're arguing," Derek observed.
"That's because they definitely are." Emily brought the straw in her lemonade between her lips.
"Their body language is more relaxed," Spencer said as he leaned away from the cotton candy Tara kept waving under his nose.
"Might just be because of the dog," Tara joked.
"Hey, you two, you made it all the way over here without a parking lot brawl?" Will muttered in his distinct accent.
"Told you." Luke said as Penelope peered at him over her sunglasses.
"So, uh, how are you two today?" Matt asked, clearly the only one that didn't want to make fun or pry.
"Just fine, Matt. Thank you." Penelope smiled at him and then Kristy.
"Matt's nicer than us," Emily said dryly.
"You don't say." Penelope mimicked her tone.
"Neither of you decided to eat ice cream and wallow about your breakups, or did you two forget about that?" JJ asked with a smirk.
Penelope rolled her eyes, but Luke averted his gaze, sort of sheepishly. He kind of, sort of, had forgotten about that.
"I'm taking Roxy over to the dog run for a few," Luke announced. He pulled his shirt over his head and threw it on the bench.
"Yeah, me too," Penelope said, before giving everybody a glare from behind her sunglasses.
When their figures were all but gone from sight, Savannah turned to the group looking at no one in particular, "Wow! He's really hot, huh?"
Every woman in the group immediately gave her an assured and confident yes.
Rossi rolled his eyes. "Well if you ladies are done ogling, what exactly are we going to do here? They aren't exactly forthcoming. Aren't we supposed to be there for these numbskulls?"
Emily raised one eyebrow behind her dark sunglasses. "Don't look at me. I'm not in charge out here." She ripped a piece of cotton candy from Tara's treat.
"Well, I think we should just ask them what they're doing about all of this. Seems to me that they've accepted that something is going on. It's clear that this was never one-sided," Derek said.
"I never thought it was," JJ agreed.
"I'm not the profiler, but I think I can recognize a group of agents when I see one." They all turned to see a man wheeling his wheelchair to the spot in front of them. "I'm Luke's old partner. He told me to come meet him here. I'm a little early."
"Oh, right, yes. Phil, nice to meet you." Spencer smiled at him. "Luke's spoken of you before."
Phil gave a sarcastic head tilt. "You mean he lost his shit when he found the Crimson King. Don't worry. He's more broken up about it than I am."
Spencer nodded. "Well it's good you're doing better. I assume your recovery is going nicely."
"It is actually, with Lou here." Phil reached down to pet the dog loyally by his side. "And also my amazing doctor that Luke apparently doesn't like as much as I do." Phil laughed.
"You heard about that?" Emily asked casually.
"She called me this morning to tell me what happened. I told her I was sorry it didn't work out, but to be honest I'm surprised they even got this far," Phil answered, still petting Lou.
"Wait, you didn't think they should go out?" Kristy questioned.
Phil laughed. "No, I thought for sure he would eventually break down and admit the real reason he hasn't dated in a long time, but he's as stubborn as they come."
"So you… Wait. What do you mean?" Derek furrowed his brow.
Phil laughed again. "Okay, well, first of all, it's my first time meeting any of you. He's been working with you a couple years. That's fair enough. With my recovery, I haven't been very social, but I've met Penelope. Penelope's been at my physical therapy. Lou was given to me by Penelope. I thought he would just admit it, but the bastard decided to date someone he won't remember in two months because it was easier."
There were chuckles all around. "Well then, at least we know we're not the only ones invested here," Tara said.
"Nope. I'm sure you're all close, but have any of you thought about buying a puppy for your best friend with each other? Is that a hobby for any of you?"
"They're both just so hard headed," JJ added.
"And cowardly. Say it like it is." Phil shook his head, resigned. "Listen, he's been my best friend for more than two decades. We entered the ranger academy at the same time. I've seen him do more in a war zone than anyone should ever have to endure. I've seen him single handedly run into the line of fire to save a fellow ranger. I've seen him shield children with his own body. I've seen him carry the bodies of dead comrades back to camp just so that their families could have some peace. I've seen the guy stay calmer and smarter than anyone should have a right to be in the deepest darkest hell holes of war. I never once saw him hesitate. But apparently Penelope Grace Garcia scares the ever loving shit out of him. Go figure." Phil ended on a sarcastic note letting everyone know that they were allowed to find it amusing.
"Well, look out because here they come." Will pointed with his chin in the direction behind Phil.
Phil rotated his chair so he could see both directions, and then they heard the squeal. "Lou!"
Lou glanced to Phil for permission. "Go." Lou ran full force to Penelope who dropped down to pet him. Roxy was at Luke's side sitting, waiting for her turn to greet the younger pup.
Luke crouched down to pet Lou as well. Both of them were smiling at each other and talking about how big Lou was, but they were far enough away that the others couldn't hear them. "By the way, they named him together. I'm not sure who is partnered with Luke the most, but I'm guessing you haven't ever tried to compromise on a name before."
Matt laughed. "Sometimes we share a phone, but it's tragically less intimate than that."
The two humans and two K9's approached the people that were just discussing them. Penelope reached for Phil first and hugged him. "I can't pick Lou up anymore. It makes me sad." She pouted at him.
"I told him not to grow up, but he didn't listen," He answered as Luke leaned in to give him a handshake that turned into a hug.
"Have you gotten him to retrieve specific items yet?" Luke queried as he pet Lou.
"No, we haven't gotten that far, have we boy?" Phil said, "But the diet you laid out, I can tell he loves that."
"Oh no, you're not as strict as this guy, are you? Lou deserves some fun." Penelope baby talked the dog.
"I'm not strict. She's just on a healthy diet. You can't give her all that crap you sneak to her." Luke said annoyed.
"It's not crap, and she really wanted it." Penelope somehow pouted and growled at the same time.
Luke gave an almost eye roll. "You gave her bacon."
"So?"
"You're a vegetarian. Why did you have bacon?" Luke stuck his neck out, waiting for her to give him a half-hearted excuse.
"She asked for it." Penelope said assuredly as Luke closed his eyes briefly.
"And so it begins," Phil said dryly. "Are you two together yet? Because I want to know how much time I have to learn to walk again before the wedding."
Both Luke and Penelope scowled at him. "You too? Seriously?" Luke glared at him.
"Wait, weren't you - oh, nevermind." Penelope didn't even care to ask the question. Her own damn boyfriend told her to go after it. The entire team and their spouses were annoyed with them. Of course Phil saw it.
"Why did you set me up?" Apparently Luke wasn't over asking the questions.
"I never thought you would go, dumbass," Phil answered.
"Why? She's nice and stuff." Luke weakly defended.
Phil raised one eyebrow at him. "What's her last name?"
Luke opened his mouth to speak but quickly shut it, scowling at what he thought was his best friend.
"Well, these are very interesting developments indeed." Rossi smiled. "But neither of you has answered the man's question."
Penelope glared at him, but she wasn't sure it was imposing through her floral sunglasses. "Yes." She said at the same time Luke said 'no.' They turned to each other and without looking away, they both changed their answer to the opposite. Both of them scowled, having a silent conversation, before Penelope dropped eye contact and addressed the others. "We are, but we weren't going to give you the satisfaction of telling you about it." She shrugged.
"At least, we've made some progress then." Emily announced.
"Before you know it, they'll actually say nice things to each other like 'Hello,' 'Good Morning,' 'I don't hate you as much as yesterday,'" JJ added.
"Oh, ha ha. You're all hilarious. It's such a mystery why we don't want to talk to you about this," Penelope said derisively.
"Aww, but we want you to smooch and gross us out." Tara joked.
Both Luke and Penelope immediately shouted a quick "no," earning a lot of amused glares.
"Can we just...not? Okay. We are adjusting, so please let it go," Penelope pleaded.
Everyone nodded or waved their hands in acquiescence, changing the subject and leaving the two stubborn people alone.
….
Luke and Penelope were walking towards their vehicle. They had bid adieu to all of their fair-going companions and decided that they were extremely grateful that some of them had kids that made them have to cut their night short.
"I don't even want to go to work tomorrow and see their dumb faces." Penelope pouted and made Luke laugh. She saw him do that more today around Phil and her. She could see the real Luke peeking out from under the haze of depression.
"I'm so glad too. For once, the kids saved us rather than put a damper on things." He grabbed her hand, lightly swinging it as they strolled slowly to the car. "They are right though. We are going to be nicer to each other."
"We already were nice. Well, most of the time. But hey, we can still piss each other off. It happens."
"True but I'm looking forward to being extra nice with you tonight." Luke smirked at her.
"Getting along does have its benefits." She bit her lip and smiled at him coyly.
He groaned. "C'mon, we've got to get back to your place." He pulled her along to the car. She watched him nervously fidget the whole way home. A couple of times, he told her she could go a few miles above the speed limit.
When they arrived at her building, she slowly got out of her car. Luke was done. He was so done waiting to know what her lips really tasted like. He pulled her into the building, and, instead of taking the stairs like they normally did, he pulled her into the elevator.
"Uh, if you're trying to get upstairs as quick as possible so you can play with my boobs, this slow ass elevator is not the way to do that."
He hit the button for her floor, and the doors slowly moved towards each other.
"No, Penelope. I do want to play with them. A lot. But I also want to kiss my girlfriend for the first time. But you wanted the kiss to be something more than just a kiss in a bed or something equally meaningless."
"So you thought you'd kiss me on a weird, dark elevator?" she asked incredulously.
"Yes," he said confidently. "I may not be at my best. When I'm not as messed up, I promise to give you everything you deserve. I wish I had the mental energy for that right now, but I don't. What I do have is the truth, I'm going to kiss you in this elevator because an elevator is where I fell in love with you. It might not be this elevator but-"
He was cut off by her lips crashing to his. He savored the taste of her and the feeling of holding her close. He walked her feet backwards, much like the way he learned to lead her across a ballroom, and pinned her to the back wall, deepening the best first kiss he'd ever had.
Neither of them registered the ding signifying their arrival or the loud creak of the doors opening to her hallway. But they did finally hear a loud and clearly amused clearing of a throat. Luke slowly pulled away from her to find who intruded on this moment.
"Ms. Berkowitz, how are you? Really good to see you." Penelope held onto Luke's hand leading him like a child out into the hallway. "Thanks for the blood pressure machine. It came in handy. You were right."
Luke nodded at the woman walking past them, trying to discern what her overt cheshire smile meant.
"Well if you need one dear," Penelope glanced over her shoulder to acknowledge the woman speaking to her, "I've also got a defibrillator to revive you afterwards."
….