" 'And thus,' " I muttered as I scribbled the closing comments to my masterpiece, " 'You can clearly see how I should provide for you without the least trouble or inconvenience to yourself, and how any disapprobations you may have held towards my past behaviour were undeniably unfounded. I look forward to receiving a favourable response from your honoured hand in the near future. Sincerely yours, etcetera.' " I signed then sighed, clasping my weary hands behind a supremely stiff neck. "I think that should about do it. Jeeves, do you mind casting an eye over this?"

Said man shimmered over at once. After placing a tray bearing a small decanter of something or other at my elbow, he carefully picked up and perused the fruits of my three hours' labour. I helped myself to a small sip, observing as I did so the raising and lowering of the eyebrows as he read silently through all eleven pages.

"Not at all a bad attempt, if I may say so, sir," he intoned. Good egg. He knows a spot of good composition when he sees one. "For the first draft of a rough outline," he finished. "The penmanship leaves something to be desired, however."

I nearly spat out my drink. "First draft? Rough outline? Jeeves, it is a veritable work of Shakespeare! She cannot fail to be moved." I frowned at him, internally daring him to remark otherwise.

"Perhaps so, sir, but in cases such as these, it is hardly wise to dwell entirely on your superiourity to all other males of her acquaintance, with any spare comments placing Mr Wickham's position at the opposite end of the spectrum. I rather think it would be in your best interest to specifically address her allegations against your behaviour to herself and to her sister."

"Ah, you mean Miss Jane Bennet? I recall her mentioning something of that now." Funny how natural it is to forget her without Bingley rhapsodizing about her every five minutes. "Well, that problem is easily remedied. I see space for a postscript here." I flourished the pen, eager to vanquish this obstacle with a quick one-two and then off to the parsonage with it, but I was stayed by Jeeves' hand.

"If you permit my saying so, sir, I should not recommend it."

I rolled a bewildered and beleaguered eye at the solemn statue. "You don't recommend it, Jeeves? I do not follow you. I very clearly remember you saying not two minutes past that I should clear up the little matter re: Miss Jane Bennet and that hare-brained plague of a friend of mine, Bingley."

"Indeed I did, sir. However, I believe that this matter requires considerable delicacy. I should think casting a light of benevolent friendship towards both parties on your intentions would prove most efficacious. After all, neither of the Miss Bennets have observed Mr Bingley's interactions with the fairer sex outside Hertfordshire."

I understood immediately. "You mean to say that they have no idea what a great moon-eyed sap the poor fellow is, and that no man has ever lived who was more apt to melt into a veritable puddle before a pretty face. And that my telling Miss Elizabeth Bennet so might not immediately clue her in without any prior observation of the said melting Bingley. Is that right, Jeeves?" I asked, despairing realization sinking in.

"I'm afraid that is most likely the case, sir." His eye had a definite sympathetic sheen to it. Of course, it may have been merely a mirage caused by the refraction of light through the crystal decanter. Its contents seemed to possess the ability to cast a kindly glow. I took another swallow of them as I racked the brains for a way out of this dilemma. I soon arrived at the inevitable. "I guess a rewrite will be in order then, Jeeves. Any other thoughts before I get down to it?"

Jeeves hesitated, straightening the tray and decanter. I assumed it was due to the dearth of material deserving of criticism. As I mentioned previously, it was truly a superbly crafted letter, capable of winning any rational woman's heart. It would have won mine, anyhow.

Jeeves finally spoke. "It is regarding the matter of Mr Wickham's past and yours, sir. If I recall correctly, in your letter you touch upon a matter you agreed to hold in secrecy."

"Ah, you refer to Wickham's exploits at Oxford? True enough, in the heat of the moment my natural reticence seems to have relapsed somewhat. I shall have to correct that part. But what should I say, Jeeves? I think a man who's tangled with the constabulary for the Misdemeanor Which I Shall Not Here Mention is hardly fit for a respectable career in the law or the clergy, much less to be husband to Miss Elizabeth Bennet. I wish for her to know it also."

"Perhaps if you refer to the matter in a concise yet abstract way, without betraying your confidence, but so that she may comprehend that you are desirous of her safety from roguish companions," suggested Jeeves carefully.

So this was how it was going to be? I heaved a slow sigh of despondency, steeling my soul for a sleepless night. "Er, how should I put it, then? 'I knew that Mr Wickham ought not to be a clergyman.' Is that discreet enough, Jeeves?

Jeeves was silent for a moment and a half. He seemed to be wrestling internally with some adversary, but soon his powers of speech regained the upper hand. "… I think it is an adequate start, sir."