Chapter 12
Summary: Back to life?
A/N: "Here comes the sun! Do do do do!"
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Tim arrived at the London with Angela two days after Shelagh's transfer to find that not one, but all three of the books (as well as the most recent Lancet) he'd brought her were completely devoured. Things weren't ideal, but there was a lift in the air that came with the promise of hope and it infected everyone in the Turners' lives.
Due to her voluntary secondment, Sister Julienne now visited everyday, much to Shelagh's delight - even if slight embarrassment. The Sister had caught Shelagh snuggled up just a bit more than was publicly acceptable to Patrick more than once now and it never failed to send the blushing Scot under her own set of scratchy sheets. Sister Julienne didn't mind at all, though. Once upon a time and under normal circumstances, the very thought of her former Sister and their mutual colleague in bed together would've been to overwhelming to even consider, but that was then. She now adored Shelagh Turner as much as she ever loved Sister Bernadette and she accepted all that came with the change in title. Additionally, with the health of both parties improving, her opinion on their proximity didn't really matter. There'd been too much sorrow for her to put stock in propriety.
With a small smile, she wondered if she'd catch Shelagh again today as she knocked gently on the door. Not hearing an objection, Sister Julienne pushed through and had to stifle a laugh. Shelagh must have fallen asleep while Tim and Angela were still visiting because not only was she holding Patrick's hand, but said hands were lovingly taped together with an excessive number of plasters. Tim's good humor was clearly back if he was encouraging his sister's plaster art towards mushy situations.
Not wanting to rob Shelagh of much-needed rest, Sister Julienne moved as quietly as possible through her checks. Not much change in Patrick, though steady vitals and improved color were all she could really hope for in his case. Shelagh, however, was another matter. Her fundal height now indicated they might be able to hear the baby's heartbeat, but when the nurse brought it up the other day, Shelagh wouldn't let her anywhere near her stomach. Sister Julienne understood her hesitancy; as long as they didn't check, there was still a possibility the baby was alive. That said, if it things were destined to turn out for the worse, they couldn't postpone the inevitable. Perhaps it was best if she quickly listen while Shelagh was asleep?
As if sensing her friend's traitorous thoughts, Shelagh stirred and her habitual soft moan of new consciousness made Sister Julienne back away. It was only when Shelagh instinctually tried to move her hand to rub her eyes, but found herself quite literally stuck to her husband that Sister Julienne allowed herself to make her presence known.
"Allow me, my dear." she insisted as she delicately removed the plasters from the Turners' skin. Shelagh sighed.
"Angela. I feel awful for falling asleep during visiting hours. Are they still here?" she asked, already knowing the answer.
"No, I'm afraid they left some time ago." Sister Julienne replied. "Although they gave Nonnatus quite an entertaining dinner…" Shelagh perked up, eager for any and all stories of her children's happiness. "Angela asked when you were going to be better and Nurse Franklin informed her that we needed to be patient and make sure baby was safe before you left the hospital. She was understandably confused and questioned why you needed to be in the hospital to keep baby safe."
"Oh no…" Shelagh knew where her inquisitive daughter's mind was heading.
"Not to worry, she was of course spared those particular details, but I should warn you that we did explain that baby was in your tummy and now she is very worried about her mummy eating babies and believes you should stay in hospital so you do not eat her."
Both women laughed heartily, though Sister Julienne noticed Shelagh still held Patrick's hand tightly in her own.
"Shelagh," she paused, knowing there wasn't a comfortable way to ask, "speaking of baby…"
"No." Shelagh gently, but firmly cut her off.
"It really is important that we check-"
"I can't." Shelagh insisted. "I'm sorry, Sister, I just can't." Sister Julienne waited patiently for the explanation she already knew. "If the baby is alive, then I want Patrick with me when we find out, and if it's...if anything else were to happen, I don't think I could take it." She sniffled a bit and turned away into her pillow. Sister Julienne took the hand that wasn't clinging to Patrick and sat beside her, rubbing soothing circles into her skin.
"I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you and your family." she spoke softly. "It has been terribly hard on all of us and we do not share the full burden of your grief. But Shelagh, if...if something unfortunate has happened, then it is not safe for us to let you remain unexamined and you know that."
"I can't take any more loss, Sister." Shelagh mumbled, exhausted. "Not when things are finally starting to improve. I'm so tired."
"I know, my dear." Sister Julienne. "You're doing better than you think."
"Am I?" Shelagh asked doubtfully.
"You've been dealt a terrible hand these past months, but you are still here, and you are still fighting when many would have given up." she insisted.
"It's not fair." Shelagh let slip against her will. "One of the women in the ward told me last week that Mr. Cartwright was sent to prison, possibly for life. She said it as though it might make things better. It doesn't make anything better."
"Punishment for the criminal, while necessary, seldom makes the victim feel better, I've found." Shelagh shook her head and sat up to look at her.
"But that's just it, Sister." Shelagh tried to explain. "I...I'm so angry with him, but...I think I understand him. He had everything taken away from him with no warning and now that I know what that feels like...I'm not saying I would have done what he did, but locking him up for the rest of his life doesn't wake Patrick up or help our baby or calm Timothy and Angela, so what on earth is the point?"
"I'm afraid I don't have an answer for you." Sister Julienne admitted sadly. "We try our hardest on Earth to regulate mans' mistakes when He cannot, but we are not perfect. The most any of us can try to do in a time of crisis is move forward to a time of peace."
"I don't want to cry anymore." Shelagh said. "It makes my eyes hurt."
Sister Julienne smiled a bit at the observation.
"That it does." she agreed. "But soon you will cry again in a time of joy and you will be glad of the pain."
Shelagh leaned forward and let Sister Julienne hold her close. No more tears flowed, but she'd always felt comfort in the Sister's arms and she needed her strength to regain her own. There was a calm in Sister Julienne's embrace that even Patrick couldn't provide. He loved her so much, but he couldn't shake the impulse to make her feel better when she needed comforting. Sister Julienne didn't do that. With her, Shelagh was free to simply be and take her time. And so, she did.
The two sat for endless minutes in a temporary bubble of safety until finally, Shelagh pulled back.
"Patrick would want me to be examined." She admitted painfully. "He would want me to be as safe and healthy as possible."
"Yes, he would." Sister Julienne agreed. "Would you like me to do it or would you like me to fetch a stethoscope so you may do it yourself?"
"I'm afraid if I do it, I might imagine something that isn't there." Shelagh admitted fearfully. Sister Julienne nodded and walked across the room to her bag.
"I'm scared, Sister." Shelagh whispered.
"I know," she replied, "but I will be here for you no matter what the result, and so will Timothy and Angela, and everyone back at Nonnatus."
Shelagh nodded and Sister Julienne began to place her pinard on the small bump.
"Shmeelah, don bee scrd."
Shelagh and Sister Julienne stared at each other in confusion before realizing there was, in fact, another person in the room.
"Patrick?!" Shelagh gasped as she nearly threw herself towards him.
"Sheeelah?"
His speech was groggy and muffled, but he was definitely saying her name.
"He's awake, fetch the doctor, Sister!"
WOOOOOOOO! Again, sorry for the update delay, but I hope it was worth it! Thank you so much to everyone who's following this story!