"Well, well, well, if it isn't Fizzer Darcy," sneered Wickham in return. "Took you long enough to show your sorry face."

"Speaking of faces, I'd like for you to immediately remove your abominable one from before mine and allow us entrance, if you'd be so kind. And to cease and desist all attempts to address me as Fizzer in future," I retorted.

The louse snorted as he complied. "Well, I like that! In return, I'd respectfully request that you put a lid on all those 'Porgies'. Imagine if you had called me that on the street in Hertfordshire! This handsome devil has seen the last of those Porgie maid-inflicted cheek-pinching days; the ladies positively swoon over the noble vis. now," Wickham preened, stroking the aforementioned article. "Besides, it's much too informal a handle for a guest greeting his host."

"In that case, may I send that 'I like that' back to you, with compliments. These are my London apartments, as you well know," I shot back.

"Of course I do," the cheeky blighter answered suavely, distinctly lacking the least hint of repentance. "Your cellar is woefully understocked, by the by. You might want to look into that."

"Thanks awfully, old thing," I said, vigourously scraping the boots on the aptly named instrument. "It is a poor showing that I shall remedy, before I authorize these apartments to be occupied. If you have no more pleasantries to offer," I added as I stepped in, "I would like to hear posthaste what reason you have to trespass in them."

I was interrupted from doing so by a polite cough from behind me.

"Yes, Jeeves?" I inquired, facing about.

"If you would pardon my saying so, sir, I would merely like to suggest that further conversation might perhaps be postponed until after you pay your respects to the young lady," the perceptive personage replied, indicating a round-eyed individual just behind Wickham.

I craned my neck and bent it politely at her. "I beg your pardon, Miss Bennet. I did not see you there." This was accompanied by a glare at the rascal responsible for said oversight.

She merely nodded silently and round-eyedly.

Wickham, ignoring my pointed look, swung round unconcernedly. "My word! I entirely forgot you were there, Lydia. Perhaps you ought to head upstairs. It seems Darcy and I have some business to discuss."

She obeyed without a word, glancing back once or twice with wide eyes.

The three of us remaining made our way towards the chairs in the sitting room. "Well then, Darcy, and Jeeves of course," Wickham said with a glance at the mentioned fellow, "I am rather surprised at your surprise. Didn't you get my letter this afternoon?"

"By which I understand you to refer to this," I replied grimly, reaching into the pocket and unfurling said missive with a single sweep of the wrist. I recited the contents from memory with an air of ill-concealed disapprobation. "'Fizzer – obtained goods and holing up with in usual metrop. location. Awaiting further instructions. W.'" I ended my rendition with a frown. "I was unsure of the meaning of every other word in the blasted thing. I half-expected to find you with a cadre of policemen's helmets in the back room of the Don. What is this all about, anyway?"

Wickham looked at me, mystified. "Naturally, that letter is a response to this one." It was now his turn to fish a message from the recesses of his own pocket. He handed it over, but I was already familiar enough with the message it bore: 'You cad, a word of warning regarding impending situation concerning a certain Miss B. in the vicinity. May need assistance with a subsequent 'rescue' in near future. More soon, D.'

I raised an eyebrow, nonplussed. "And?" I prompted.

Jeeves looked askance at me. "If I may inquire, sir, but is that the letter you instructed me to have delivered yesterday by messenger with all haste to a certain address in Brighton?"

I redirected the elevated brow towards him. "It is, Jeeves. What of it?"

Jeeves pursed his lips. "I think I am beginning to comprehend the situation, sir."

Wickham nodded eagerly. "Exactly. Of course, the obvious meaning was that I should remove Miss Lydia Bennet, the only 'Miss B.' of our mutual acquaintance in Brighton, from said vicinity and any danger you sent warning it would present. Just as obviously, the best place I have found to shake off danger, such as vengeful creditors - and even more vengeful de-helmeted policemen - is London. I thought the best out-of-the-way location to regroup and form plans was your apartments. I knew you wouldn't mind, old thing. I am rather short on funds at the moment."

I was astounded. "Obviously? Obviously, you say, you scoundrel? Porgie, you've muffed everything! What happened to the 'subsequent', eh?" I jabbed an accusing finger at the convicting evidence. "Hardly the synonym of 'preemptive, officious and moreover entirely unwanted'."

"It says 'subsequent'?" Wickham squinted at the missive. "I was sure it was 'succinct'. Jeeves, what do you make of it?" He thrust the article before the named individual's face.

"From this angle, it appears to me to read 'sequined'," said Jeeves.

I gave up that cause as lost. "The quotation marks about 'rescue', then?"

Wickham drew the letter to within an inch of his nose. "Those aren't ink splotches?"

"But at least you comprehended the 'in the future' and 'more soon'," I demanded, at wits' end.

"Well, the letter came yesterday, and obviously, this is the 'more soon.' I didn't think we had much time to rescue her," Wickham stated uncertainly.

"Rescue who from what, you dog? We hadn't even planned the 'situation' yet!" I exploded.

"Actually sir, I took the liberty of laying a few plans. I might mention it is rather fortunate that they are no longer required, however. It appears that it is immensely tedious removing creosote from formal wear, and that the hiring of flamenco dancers within the British isles is prohibitively draining on the household budget," Jeeves corrected.

The look of utter bewilderment on my face was only slightly surpassed by the one on Wickham's. He took in a few gulps of air before endeavoring to speak. "May I ask the two of you what the devil is going on?"

I tsked at him. "If I had wanted to spell it out, I would have done so in my letter. Very well, since you cannot follow simple directions, I suppose I must tell you. Miss Lydia Bennet is in no danger. We were merely fabricating a ruse for her elder sister, Miss Elizabeth Bennet."

Wickham tilted his face confusedly. "Miss Elizabeth Bennet? I have had the pleasure of conversing with her many times. Charming girl. But what has she got to do with anything?"

I hemmed and hawed, unwilling to divulge my innermost feelings. Apparently, Jeeves had not such compunctions. "Mr Darcy is desirous to win the hand of Miss Elizabeth Bennet, but she has refused him. In order to change her mind, it was decided that she may soften her consideration of him if she learned that he rescued her and hers from peril, or the appearance thereof. Mr Darcy determined to request your assistance in the scheme, without my prior knowledge," he finished, with an almost accusing look thrown in for good measure.

"I am capable to contributing to plans without consulting you on every little thing," I muttered, sullen.

"Corkers," breathed Wickham, letting the news sink in. "I had no idea – of any of this! Only you two – no, better make that three, including Miss Bennet – would be capable of this. But see here," he cried indignantly, "how could I have understood all that from that scrap you sent?"

"I found you from what you wrote in yours," I shot back, desperate for any shred of dignity left to me.

"And anyway," he continued with some heat right over my riposte, "you know it would never work. Miss Bennet would never change her answer over something like that. Who do you think you are, some kind of hero from a romance novel?"

"We could always try again if it is a dud the first time 'round," I argued. "After all, she has four sisters. Rinse and repeat, as they say. Jeeves says it does wonders with my collars."

"What am I supposed to tell my regiment? Or Lydia?" Wickham groaned, burying his head in his hands.

"I'll see what I can do regarding your regiment," I told him, stirred by the faintest pangs of pity.

"Regarding the young lady, may I inquire as to what you offered her as explanation when absconding from General Forster's residence?" Jeeves asked curiously.

Wickham raised his head thoughtfully. "You know, I can't remember. Now that I recall, I don't think I gave her a reason at all."

I thought Wickham's phrase about summed it up. "Oh corkers," I croaked.