"So there you have it," I concluded.
Mr and Mrs Gardiner observed me dubiously, their expressions a near match of those plastered on that odious Wickham and Miss Lydia Bennet. The last mentioned had been deposited at the first's Grace Church Street residence immediately following the previously recounted tete-a-tete, with word of her safety and location sent to Longbourn posthaste. In the meantime, the Gardiners, with some discrete assistance courtesy of yours truly, had made record time back to London to join her, and having settled in, were now receiving our motley party.
Several seconds' span of silence reigned over the sitting room where we were gathered..
Mr Gardiner broke the quiet hesitantly. "If I may," he said slowly, "allow me to recapitulate the events you have just related."
"Certainly," I replied magnanimously.
"Mr Wickham, acting in good faith, stole Lydia away to London for her protection. He believed secrecy to be essential in averting an unknown danger, this being the reason he neglected to inform either her family or her interim guardians the Forsters."
"All very true," Wickham assented with a nod. Miss Lydia Bennet said nothing.
Mr Gardiner transferred his penetrating gaze to me. I tried to disguise my premonitious gulp and bear it. "Mr Wickham was acting as a direct result of information from Mr Darcy, who had learnt of an impending plot centered on my niece. He discovered that Lydia was in truth in no such peril, but was unable to convey the intelligence to Mr Wickham until this past evening."
"Couldn't have put it better myself," I gasped with some difficulty.
Mr Gardiner increased his scrutiny. "I might ask how exactly, and why, you obtained such knowledge in the first place."
I opened and closed my mouth for a bit, but no glib answer was forthcoming. I was instead rescued once again by Jeeves' quick thinking. "If I may make so bold, sir, I would ask that you would be so kind as to still your inquiries in that direction. I hope it will suffice if I suggest that it would be safest for all parties concerned. I can assure you that Mr Darcy acted with the most chivalrous of intentions."
"Very well, Jeeves, I will let that point pass," Mr Gardiner assented. "In all honesty," he continued with a sigh, "we are so relieved to see our niece here safe from harm, that I really have no heart to press the matter further. The hour grows late, and perhaps it would be best for all to retire. Come, Lydia," he said rising and extending his hand. "You will need rest before your return to Longbourn tomorrow."
All in the room were greatly shocked by what occurred next. "No," she said.
"Eh?" her uncle asked, startled.
"I mean, no, I will not be traveling to Longbourn tomorrow. I will not return until I am Mrs Lydia Wickham."
The effect this pronouncement engendered was astounding. Mr Gardiner looked apoplectic. Wickham could have fit an entire orange within the confines of his slippery mouth with ease. I am unsure how I appeared, but was most likely performing my best impression of a shot owl. Jeeves, I recall clearly, raised both eyebrows.
One other person in the room was significantly less affected. "There is something in what Lydia says," Mrs Gardiner remarked calmly, as if discussing the weather.
"There is, my dear?" Mr Gardiner replied, as if the weather discussed were floods lapping at the feet of our chairs.
"There is?" gaped Wickham, as if the weather consisted of lightning aimed straight for his breeches.
"Before discussing that, I would like to clarify one or two small things," Mrs Gardiner demanded sternly.
"But of course, madam," I answered, cringing interiorly.
"My first question is addressed to Lydia. When departing with Mr Wickham, what exactly did you believe his plans to be?"
"To elope," she answered bluntly.
"What?" Wickham fairly shouted, with enough emotion to make me question whether Mr Gardiner's apoplexy was catching.
"As I thought. And now," Mrs Gardiner said crisply, "my next query is for both of you gentlemen. Would you care to explain exactly the nature of your relationship, and why my niece believes it to be one of irreconcilable animousity? She did not reveal all the particulars, you understand," she finished expectantly.
"I don't remember telling you about any of that old history, Lydia," Wickham said, admirably calmed, as he glanced at said girl in confusion. She stared right back at him, just as mystified.
"Ah, you must be referring to your niece, Miss Elizabeth Bennet," I elucidated faintly, realization dawning.
"Indeed I am," she answered tersely, hands folded like a judge presiding at the bench.
I emitted the convicted's nervous laugh. "It's rather a long and boring story," I hedged.
Jeeves removed sheets of paper from his person. "If it would be of assistance, I have here a faithful copy of the letter containing the intimation to which you are referring."
"Jeeves!" I breathed, aghast.
"With your permission, of course, sir," he demurred.
I hesitated only briefly. "Oh very well, I suppose it will save time."
Mr and Mrs Gardiner perused the letter. "I think I begin to see," Mrs Gardiner finally spoke. "There are two matters which require some clarification. First, could you elaborate on this secret engagement with Miss Darcy?"
Wickham scowled at me. "Oh Darcy, you put that in there? No doubt you neglected to mention that Georgie chased me to Ramsgate, by following my luggage?"
"I may have forgotten to mention that," I admitted.
"Or that she was the one who insisted on our eloping, and wouldn't stop crying until I said yes, and that I kept on pushing it off until you arrived?"
"That fact was certainly not included," Mrs Gardiner affirmed, scanning the pages.
"Very likely," I agreed, slyly nudging my chair further away from the seething Wickham.
"But what is this about Mr Wickham being after Miss Darcy's fortune?" asked Mrs Gardiner, scrutinizing a particular passage.
Wickham threw up his hands in exasperation. "Darcy, for the last time, I only asked her for a loan of five pounds to cover a… small fee that was imposed upon me."
"I seem to recall that now," I admitted, regarding him warily.
"Then I am nearly satisfied. One other small thing. Mr Darcy, what exactly did you mean that Mr Wickham ought not to be a clergyman?"
"Here, can I see that?" Wickham asked impatiently.
"Why ever not? Perhaps I should just have it published," I sighed, resigning myself to my fate.
After a few sentences, Wickham nearly snarled at me. "Fizzer, do you ever think of what you write? No wonder Miss Elizabeth behaved so coldly towards me! What evil deeds she must think me capable of," he moaned.
Miss Lydia Bennet snickered. " 'Fizzer?' " she quoted, mouth twitching.
I frowned petulantly. "I do think. I remembered not to write the reason why. You know," I leant forward conspiratorially and whispered, "that you steal helmets from police-"
"Fizzer!" yelped Wickham.
I held my tongue with the usual patented Darcy forbearance. It was a long established trait of Wickham's, well known within our childhood circle, that the aforementioned article held an unrivaled and irresistible thrall over him. So much so, that I honestly felt surprise encountering him without one hidden somewhere in his possession. As a matter of fact, had Miss Lydia been substituted with a constable's helmet for the entirety of the debacle, I would have felt much more in my depth.
Mrs Gardiner held a hand before her face, shoulders trembling. "Very well, let us move on. Now, Mr Wickham and Lydia," she asked, face suddenly stern, "where were the two of you for the duration of the night before last?"
"In the carriage," Miss Lydia replied promptly.
"On the carriage," Wickham asserted. "I was, anyway. I thought Lydia ought to stay inside, out of sight of any malingerers, if you follow me."
"Is there anyone else who can verify this?" Mrs Gardiner pressed.
"The hired driver could," Wickham answered falteringly, clearly unable to discern the reason for the question.
I could. I groaned.
"Could you produce him to satisfy others' future inquiries?" Mrs Gardiner insisted.
"No he can't. Wickham, you utter fathead," I concluded for him.
"Well, I like that," Wickham began.
"Of course you do, you bounder. What Mrs Gardiner is leading to is that this whole mess is going to spread rumours."
"Rumours? Oh!" Wickham's ears went pink as he finally caught up to the rest of us. "Couldn't we just explain it was an attempt to rescue Lydia?"
"We could try," Mrs Gardiner said sympathetically. "I do not have much hope in our prospects, however. Mr Wickham, I have one last question for you." She regarded him solemnly. "Mr Wickham, do you love my niece?"
"Lydia?" he asked, agog.
Mrs Gardiner rubbed at her tense forehead with her last vestiges of constraint. "I was not suggesting Lizzie, if that is what you are implying."
"Er, no, not at all. Charming girl for conversation, but…" he trailed off, thinking deeply. "Regarding Lydia, I have thought for some time actually… I should like very much, one day, to request the honour of her hand in marriage."
"You should?" I was understandably flummoxed. Naturally, if young ladies had adopted a new fashion of adorning their heads with policemen's helmets as a replacement for last season's red regimental capes, I would have readily comprehended Miss Lydia Bennet's attractiveness to Wickham's tastes. Though no expert on young ladies' dress, I hardly assumed such to be the case. Therefore, unless the enforcers of the law had taken to recruiting gentlemen's daughters at the tender young age of fifteen without my knowledge, I was entirely baffled.
"Yes, I should," Wickham scoffed. With a scathing glance in my direction, he muttered sotto voce, so that I cannot still be sure of it, "You're not the only fellow who can discover a capability for finer feelings when he leasts expects it, you know." He turned and stared soppily at the referenced recipient of said 'finer feelings,' unless, of course, it was 'diner peelings'; she returned his glance with a blazingly bright countenance. Still locked in each other's gaze, he reiterated loudly and firmly, "I would be honoured to marry Lydia."
"I think that would be best," Mrs Gardiner said mildly. "We can say that the two of you were in a secret engagement, and upon Mr Wickham receiving news of a sudden change of fortune, you, being young, impulsive and in love, whisked yourselves away to London to be married without delay. Lydia, naturally, remained with us for the duration of your stay preceding the nuptials. No one not intimately connected with the situation need know the particulars. It may lend your reputations the taint of eccentricity, but such a thing is unavoidable, and at least not fatal." She smiled. "Then, it is settled."
"I'm afraid it may be far from settled," Wickham interjected. "As I said, I'd be honoured to marry her, but my current finances are not… oh." He paused, remembering. "Actually, they are to all intents and purposes nonexistent now. Oh, my new commission!" he mourned, nearly weeping.
Jeeves interjected. "Mr Darcy would be glad to be of assistance to you in that matter, sir and madam."
All the events of the day had left me in a bemused state, so I was able to now regard him almost serenely. "I would, Jeeves?" I asked, leaving the "Would you care to explain yourself as to why I should give two figs for the Wickham's welfare?" unsaid.
"Forgive me if I am overstepping my bounds, but I am aware that you would not wish to see any of the young Miss Bennets unhappy, if it is within your power to be of benefit to them," Jeeves prompted.
I started. Trust Jeeves to find a way to success through this catastrophe. "Why yes, that is so. It would be my pleasure to help along the proceedings."
"I appreciate your offer, Mr Darcy, but as it is my niece, I should think – " Mr Gardiner began.
"It your niece's happiness that I placed in jeopardy by my faulty information," I countered. "My honour demands that I make such amends as I can."
Little further protest was offered, beyond arranging times and a modest dowry and so forth. Finally time for us to depart arrived, and Wickham, Jeeves and I wound our way back to my apartments.
After a well-deserved stiff drink or two, we made ready to turn ourselves in. On his way to his rooms, Wickham clapped me on the back. "Well, all's well that ends well. With any luck, I'll soon have a Darcy for a brother-in-law!"
I choked.