September 3rd, 1997
Murdoc had just arrived back to his house after a disappointing band practice. He can already tell that this one won't take off either. Perhaps he should just put this band out of its misery before they can embarrass themselves on stage. He can't even remember the name of this one. It was probably something clever, Murdoc was great at band names.
Looking at the clock above his television he can see that it's almost four o'clock PM. He came back just in time for his punishment. Stuart's clown of a father will be here any minute to drop off his vegetable. On Mondays and Fridays Murdoc 'takes care' of Stuart for three hours starting at four. On Wednesdays and Saturdays, he's with Stuart for two hours. On the other days in the week he's picking up rubbish on the side of motorways. Today happened to be Friday.
Does he regret driving his car through that shop-front? Absolutely, he didn't even get a single keyboard out of it.
Just as Murdoc was putting up his coat there was a firm knock as his door. Sighing in annoyance, Murdoc reached over and opened the door, not bothering to look and see who it was, preferring to finish putting his things away.
"Good evenin', Mr. Niccals," Stuart's father said from behind Murdoc's back. He could also hear the man's footsteps slowly go past him and into the living room. The bassist knew from the sound of the older man's footsteps that he was carrying Stuart to his couch.
Finally turning around, Murdoc looked at the man in his living room. Stuart's dad didn't seem to be having a good day today as usual. Murdoc doesn't recall him looking well since he's met him less than a month ago. Most definitely it was his doing that made the man look like an overworked construction man. The older man laid his son down on the couch with great care. Murdoc doesn't understand why, Stuart was practically a lifeless doll.
"Hello," The Satanist responded with a bad taste in his mouth. Talking to the boy's parents always made him feel like he had heartburn.
Stuart's father never looked Murdoc in the eye and today was no exception. Murdoc can tell that the older man didn't want Stuart to be in Murdoc's care. No one understands the reasoning behind the judge's ruling that Murdoc should take care of Stuart Pot for ten hours each week. Murdoc didn't want that, and Stuart's parents didn't want that either.
Brushing the blue hair out of his son's face, Stuart's father said, "He's already eaten so you don't need to worry about that. Just make sure that he's comfortable and I'll be back at seven." It's obvious how much the man loves Stuart. The man has cried in the courthouse and he's cried a few times when dropping Stuart off here. What a sensitive man. Murdoc's father wouldn't give two shits if Murdoc was suddenly a vegetable. He'd probably throw him in an alley somewhere and forget about him.
Murdoc didn't say anything in response to what the man said, because he doesn't need to. He's heard the same thing every other day.
The older man made a sound between a sigh and a groan and took a few steps away from the couch and in front of Murdoc. He still wouldn't look at Murdoc, but it was obvious he wanted to say something to the Satanist.
He crossed his arms and raised his eyebrow, waiting for the man to make a move. However, nothing happened, and Stuarts dad left the house without another word. Typical, the man seems like he'd rather cry than get into a fight.
The door slammed behind Murdoc and now he was left alone with his nonresponsive company.
Taking care of Stuart wasn't difficult like taking care of a child was. The catatonic man didn't do anything other than breathe and piss himself. Sometimes Murdoc had to change his adult diapers, but it was less difficult than Murdoc expected it to be. It also wasn't as disgusting as Murdoc thought it would be either. It could have been worse. However, he has no idea how to use Stuart's feeding tube and would probably stab him in the intestines or something along those lines if he tried to feed him. Mr. Tusspot seems to have the same fear which is probably why they feed Stuart before dropping him off.
Because taking care of Stuart wasn't difficult, Murdoc should probably complain much less than he does. Just today he was telling his new bandmates that Stuart was a pain in the ass and that no woman would want to shag a man who's in charge of some lifeless 20-year-old. Also, he frequently says that Stuart is ruining his life despite only seeing him ten hours a week. It's overexaggerated but Murdoc likes the sympathy that comes from it.
Murdoc refuses to feel guilty for what had happened. Maybe it's only because he hasn't fully processed it yet. He ruined this kid's life and basically killed him. His parents even had the choice to just let him die but refused. It's the worst hell Murdoc can think of, paralyzed, can't speak, and unable to die. He wonders is Stuart wants to die.
Stopping that train of thought, the Satanist moved to sit on the couch with Stuart. First, he lifted the still man's legs and sat himself on the couch and then placed Stuart's legs on top of his lap. Feeling guilty was for people who are allowed to feel.
The bassist pressed the 'on' button on his television's remote that was resting on the arm of his couch. MTV was the channel he had on last so that was what was on now. Murdoc didn't mind, he loved hearing what new musicians were doing despite them all being mindless and rubbish.
He kind of wants to get drunk, but he already sat down. Humming in distaste Murdoc looked at the vegetable's face. Stuart's black eye was creepy as hell and very cool to Murdoc. If Stuart was alive people would be all over how unique his blood-filled eye was.
"Can you go get me a beer, Stu?" Murdoc chuckled to himself at his own joke.
Of course, Stuart cannot respond. The Satanist wonders what the still man's personality was like before he became like this. His parents probably talked about that stuff in court, but Murdoc wasn't listening to all that then.
"If you're going to be in my house every other day then you better learn how to do something other than just lying there looking stupid," He said with a scowl at the other man as it that would intimidate him. After a moment Murdoc straightened his frown before taking off the vegetable's shoes, "I don't know why they bother putting trainers on you, not like you're walking around a whole lot."
After the shoes were off Murdoc threw them onto the floor haphazardly. Stuart couldn't tell him anything, but the bassist assumed that he'd be more comfortable with his shoes off. Also, he wouldn't mind annoying the catatonic man's father when he comes back, it'd be a plus certainly. Murdoc doesn't have much of a reason to hate Stuart's father other than he was involved in creating Stuart. If the vegetable were never born Murdoc wouldn't be doing community service.
"I hate you, Stuart," He said with no real hatred evident in his voice.
Slowly Stuart's pupil on his 'good eye' moved to look Murdoc in his eyes. Murdoc almost shit himself at that. He hasn't seen the vegetable's eyes move before. Can he see him right now?
"Stuart?" Murdoc asked with a hint of confusion on his face. He was absentmindedly gripping Stuart's leg.
Of course, the man didn't say anything back. He was still looking at Murdoc, just watching him.
"You still in there Stu?" He asked knowing that he wouldn't get an answer.
The only thing Stuart did was blink. The bassist felt peculiar now that the guy who he presumed was dead was now looking at him. To Murdoc Stuart was just an object; something that was just placed into his life because he did a stupid thing, that was until right now. It was like Stuart was staring right into his soul with his eye that had a visual pupil still on it. He doesn't like it, Stuart isn't supposed to make him feel things.
Murdoc began rubbing the man's leg and said, "I bet its hell being you right now, huh? If I was a vegetable I'd want my folks to put me down. Too bad yours are cruel enough to have you stick around." Stuart could only watch Murdoc as he spoke. Having someone who can't judge him when he talks isn't so bad. He bit his lip for a moment before continuing, "Maybe not as cruel as my joke of a family, but pretty sodding close. They're forcing you to suffer this sad life because they don't want to let you go. Very selfish of them if you ask me."
Stuart continued to watch Murdoc. The bassist wasn't sure if the vegetable can think or if he was even comprehending what he was saying. He felt the need to talk to him though now that the illusion was there, it looked like Stuart was paying attention.
"I bet you'd be angry with me if you could be. I'm the one that made you like this… I'm not sorry about it either, you shouldn't have been standing there." Murdoc immediately hated himself more for saying shit like that. If he doesn't want to feel guilty then maybe he should stop doing things that makes him feel guilty. Telling Stuart that it's his fault he's a vegetable was one of those things. Stuart can't even fight back.
"Alright I'll be honest… I'm a little bit sorry for giving you that dent in your head. I'd want you to be sorry if it was the other way around." He can clear his conscience freely here. Stuart can't say anything or make him feel like a coward or a pansy like other people can. "I'm sorry that I'm fucked up, Stu. I just about killed you and I'm trying to pretend that it didn't happen, but I can't just pretend that I didn't kill someone. But if I… if I tell people that I feel something I get scared that they'll exploit that. It's happened before, but you can't do that. You're probably the only person in the entire world that I can talk to without bloody worrying about everything."
It was like Murdoc was talking to somebody who doesn't speak his language. Stuart stared at him with no indication for whether he was taking in the Satanist's words or not. Unlike with 'alive' people he doesn't feel the fear of being judged or manipulated. He also doesn't feel the overwhelming self-hatred for showing weakness either, which is odd because he usually feels like that even when he's alone. Usually he's only comfortable like this when he's on the verge of passing out drunk.
"You're a good listener I'll give you that."
September 2018
Murdoc has been thinking about those times often as of late. When 2D was normally called Stuart and he was as still as someone in a coffin. Those days were very different compared to today. He doesn't talk to 2D like he did with Stuart. The only time he has ever let down his guard about his emotions were with Stuart back in 1997. Now 2D is trying to get Murdoc to do the same thing without knowing that Murdoc had already told him about all his past issues.
Turning onto his side, Murdoc saw 2D still awake in his own bed and reading something on his phone. The LED screen was lighting the singer's face much more prominently than the moonlight shining through the window. He can't believe he could have killed the man, arguably the most important man in his life. He treated Stuart like he was already dead.
2D heard Murdoc moving. He thought that the bassist was asleep by now; he hasn't moved in a long time. They both agreed to stay in for the night since they were very tired from their long flight. Perhaps Murdoc was having trouble sleeping because he took a four-hour long nap on the plane.
Feeling the other man's eyes on him, 2D turned his phone off and turned his head to meet the Satanist's gaze. "Can't sleep?" He asked.
Murdoc instead of replying asked, "Can I ask you that question now?" He didn't even think that he'd be the one to continue their little game that 2D made, he thought it was stupid. However, the thoughts from earlier are nagging him to find out what he wants to know.
"What question?" He doesn't remember what Murdoc was talking about, he probably should. His head must be having one of its usual issues again.
The bassist stood up without a word and walked around to the singer's bed. He then sat on the edge of the bed like he would when Noodle used to have trouble sleeping. Knowing that he wasn't going to sleep anytime soon, Murdoc for once felt motivated to have a conversation with his bandmate. "Remember when you made me answer those questions in the garage? I didn't get to ask you the last one and I said I'd ask you later," he said annoyed.
2D sat up, now very interested in this conversation. He was a bit nervous when he saw Murdoc coming over here, but now all of that has drained away. Maybe the bassist actually wants to get better for once. He scooted over to make room for the man who was now on his bed. Murdoc sat further up after he did so without a 'thank you', but 2D wasn't expecting one anyways. "I remember now, Muds. What's your question?"
Murdoc's mouth was very dry all of a sudden. A few shots of rum would fix that quickly, but they didn't make a stop for alcohol before coming to the hotel so his need for alcohol would not be met tonight. 2D was waiting now, so he couldn't back out. He shouldn't be as timid as he is now to ask the other man a simple question.
"You alright?" 2D asked after Murdoc wasn't answering. It was obvious that the shorter man was hesitant for some reason unknown to the singer. "I can forget that you said anythin' if you want me to, no big deal," He said as a means to comfort Murdoc.
"Shut up!" He snapped without thinking. Quickly getting himself back together, Murdoc finished with, "…Sorry."
"It's alright," He knew it was a bad idea, but he thought this might be a subtle way to offer his trust to the Satanist, "Want to lay down with me?" After seeing the mixture of question and disgust on Murdoc's face he tried to explain himself, "You don't have to! But you came over here, so you might as well get comfortable. I won't mind at all, like I won't jump or anything if you accidentally touch me-" He didn't know that for sure,"-And I'll try to not touch you or whatever. It'll kind of be like we're havin' a sleepover, just two-"
"Satan! 2D, do you know how hard it is to not tell you to shut up all the damned time? Quit rambling so much; if I hadn't spent 20 years with you then I'd have no bloody idea what you're saying," While Murdoc was scolding 2D he scooted over some more and threw the covers over himself. Him speaking made the movements less awkward as the taller man was now focused on his words. "You can say what you mean in probably half as many words as you're spilling out of your mouth. Think about what you want to say before you speak for once."
2D didn't look impressed with Murdoc's tantrum. "You think you're smart, huh Murdoc? You just did the same thing as me while you were lecturin' me about what I was doin'."
Murdoc almost growled at the other man before he stopped himself, "I am smart! I was giving you an example of how annoying it is, and now you know." He just came up with that excuse, so yes, he was pretty smart. It's awful when 2D catches on to what he says too quickly. It makes Murdoc want to get up again and go back to his bed, but he won't. That would be showing 2D weakness.
"Whatever you say. If you're not gonna ask me a question can I ask you one?" The singer thought it would probably be a wise idea to change the subject before they start arguing.
"Fine then, get on with it." Crossing his arms, Murdoc let himself fall back onto the bed, his necklace falling back on his chest as he did so.
The taller man leaned back as well, but more gently. "Okay then, how did you actually get out of prison?" 2D was wondering this since he found Murdoc.
He had to bite his tongue to keep himself from yelling at 2D for not helping him. Instead he said, "Well my fans adore me and did what I asked of them. The one plan that failed involved the sewer system under the prison; I almost drowned in literal shit. The plan after that one however, worked like a charm. Hacked the whole security system through just text." He smiled at the thought of how clever it all was.
"You almost drowned in shit? Why didn't you just do the last plan first?" Surely that would have been a better idea. Like 2D, Murdoc didn't always come up with the best way to deal with things.
Murdoc stopped smiling at that. Why didn't he just go with the easiest plan first? "Well… because that wouldn't be as impressive. You know, like in the movies. Maybe if you were there you could have had a say in the plans!"
2D frowned himself and replied with, "I'm sure that if I was in jail with you, you wouldn't let me have a say in anythin'. You'd probably sell me off for some cheap alcohol in a week." It was a harsh accusation, but he firmly believed that it might have gone like that.
This isn't where Murdoc wanted this late-night bonding session to go. It's more like they're a married couple going through a divorce than two mates at a sleepover. He's not supposed to be reminded of his actions again. He can't apologize for who he is while 2D is moving, thinking, and talking to him. He just can't handle it. He doesn't like the feeling of guilt, but he can't get rid of it until he apologizes. It's just another thing he needs to live with.
Noticing the silence, 2D turned his head and looked at Murdoc. He didn't like the terror that was on the other man's face. "Hey, hey, Murdoc I'm sorry. I shouldn't have accused you of doin' that to me. I just let my feelin's get the best of me… it happens sometimes."
How is it so easy for 2D to apologize, but excruciating for him? Sure, he can say sorry after he let an insult slip through, but he can't even begin to apologize for all of the bullshit he put the singer through. He just tried to pretend that he didn't care or that those things never happened, but it's like how it was with the Stuart who was in a coma. He can't just forget about killing someone. He can't just forget about ruining someone's life. He can't just forget about treating someone like his father treated him.
"Stuart, do you remember anything from when you were in a coma?" Murdoc asked after not being able to take his own thoughts anymore. That was what he was going to originally ask 2D.
The suddenness of the question caught 2D off guard along with the unexpected use of his old name. Murdoc only calls him Stuart when 2D needs to be brought back to reality. He bit his lip in thought. The simple answer would be 'kind of'. He can remember some blurry images and loose conversations that he was in no way a part of. Most of the time he was in a coma was long forgotten from his mind. Sometimes on a rare occasion he dreams of those times, but he doesn't know if they're real memories or just dreams. Why did Murdoc want to know that anyways?
After a bit of thinking of what he wanted to say, 2D finally said, "Um… Sort of. But nothin' is really clear. Like I know my eyes wouldn't focus all the way, probably because they were uneven if that makes sense." He paused to think of how he wanted to put his next words. "Sometimes I could hear really well and other times it sounded like I was underwater or under a thick blanket. I think I forgot most of what happened either immediately or when I flew through the windscreen… I don't know which one though because I forgot that part too."
Murdoc nodded when 2D was done, he didn't know why though, he wasn't agreeing to anything. He's disappointed that 2D forgot about him practically spilling his heart out every so often, but also extremely relieved. He's able to keep his pride for now. He should have known that the singer forgot about that stuff.
"Why'd you want to know that anyway?" The taller man asked.
The Satanist put his arms behind his head. "Just curious is all."
The two bandmembers looked at the ceiling in silence after that for a moment. 2D was comfortable despite their earlier conversation. He was always calm in these moments when he was in bed in the dark and quiet; it helped him calm down and think about what happened earlier in the day. Having Murdoc with him surprisingly didn't affect that calm.
Murdoc was uncomfortable with the quiet. It made him feel like 2D was thinking about how terrible he is at everything. To get rid of some of that quiet Murdoc asked, "Have you forgiven me for hitting you with that car?" It wasn't a safe question, but Murdoc wanted an answer to that as well.
That was another tough question for the singer. 2D never saw the car accident as a terrible thing up until recently. Before when they released their first album, the singer saw what is now known as 'D-Day' to be what saved his life. He used to feel useless and bored all the time until he became 2D. When he stopped being Stuart he felt like he started living for the very first time. Now he does still feel this way up to a point, but he also understands that getting into a car accident twice isn't something that should be so easily forgiven. In the end 2D answered with, "You never said sorry for hittin' me with your car, Murdoc."
"Uh…" Murdoc knew he could not say that he actually had apologized before without explaining to the singer when he did. Even that is difficult for the bassist. He would basically be apologizing again. He needs to do this, he's got to stop feeling sorry for himself all the time and just apologize for once for being an asshole. His band hates him for who he is, and he can't bring himself to change.
The taller man knows that the bassist gets flustered when topics like this are brought up. Wanting to not work up Murdoc any more, 2D said, "It's alright though, you don't have to right now. It would be nice… but don't apologize if you're forcin' yourself to."
"Yeah okay. Thanks, 2D." For some odd reason Murdoc has never felt as weak as he does right now.