Barba didn't sleep. He didn't try. What had he done, god, what had he done?

He sat on the edge of his bed, his head racing and his heart pounding. He wanted to walk out of the room, to go talk to Sonny, to explain, but he couldn't. He couldn't move, fear froze him in place. He had been thinking of this, dreaming of this, for months.

But now, Sonny kissed him.

He didn't know what to do. He knew what he wanted to do, but it seemed like he was no longer in control of his own body.

He wanted to kiss Sonny back, he should have kissed Sonny back, but he had frozen, and that familiar fear had gripped his chest. The only thing he could do was leave.

He felt like he was suffocating in his room, it was too small, but Sonny was out there, just beyond his door, and he didn't know if he could face him. He wanted to, but he knew he would stutter and blush and falter, and he didn't want Sonny to see that. He didn't want Sonny to see what a mess he was.

And then Barba could hear voices. They were quiet, hushed, but when he listened closely he recognized Rollins'. He could hear creaks on the floor, he imagined Sonny pacing. He imagined Sonny telling her how horrible he was, how he had no heart.

Something he had been told over and over again.

And then the front door closed again and it was quiet. He didn't know who was in his living room, Rollins or Carisi, and he didn't know which he would prefer. He laid back against his mattress, wishing it would just absorb him.

Wishing that he were hollow.

He was restless for the rest of the night. Tossing and turning, never getting more than a few minutes of sleep at a time. And when morning came, the soft light beginning to cast into his room, he knew he had to get up. And so he did, he took a shower, brushed his teeth, put on a suit. He did everything he usually did, because he had to, because there was nothing else to do.

He stood in front of his own door and held his breath. He rested his hand on the doorknob for a moment before mustering up the courage to turn it. He walked into the hall, his face neutral, and entered the living room.

"Mornin', Counselor," Rollins looked up from her phone. She was sitting on the couch, already dressed for work, with a bag by her feet.

"Good morning Detective," his voice was low and weary. He picked up his briefcase from the side table and when he looked up Rollins was looking at him. "Should we go?"

"Sure thing," Amanda stood and grabbed her bag, "how'd you sleep?" She asked as she opened the door and checked the hall before allowing Barba to exit behind her.

"Fine," he said, even though they both knew he was lying.

Rollins lead the way to the car in the garage. They got in and Amanda pulled into the street. After a few minutes of driving in silence through the early morning, Rollins spoke.

"Look," she said, "it's probably none of my business, but Sonny's a good guy. You don't have to feel the way he does, hell, you don't even have to like him, just try not to hurt him."

Barba turned to look out the window, saying nothing. He did like Sonny that way, but he had already hurt him. He couldn't get the look of shock and embarrassment and pain that had shot past Carisi's face the night before. He wished he had never caused that. He wanted to make it right, but didn't know how.

He stayed lost in his own thoughts until Rollins parked by the courthouse and they walked to his office together. Barba sat in his desk, but could feel Amanda's eyes on him. He tried to ignore her, tried to ignore the gnawing guilt, as he flipped through pointless casefiles. The DA had taken him off his major cases until the threats against him stopped. Turns out they didn't want an ADA dying during the middle of an important trial.

So he filled out paperwork and caught up on decisions he hadn't had time to read.

But there, in the back of his mind, was Sonny.

XXX

Carisi had managed a few hours of sleep once the sun had risen and the squadroom was no longer silent. He had caught Fin up on what he had found overnight and headed for the crib. In the dark room he was finally able to release all of the tension in his body and fall into a dreamless sleep.

When he woke there was a blanket laying across him. He checked his phone and stood, he used his reflection to fix his mussed hair. Once he was back in the squad room Finn gave him a rundown and he stopped by the Captain's office.

"Hey, Cap," he said, "I'm gonna go relieve Rollins."

Olivia looked up and adjusted her glasses, "okay," she nodded.

When Sonny got to Barba's office he knocked on the door and announced himself, waiting for Amanda to open it.

"You sure you wanna do this?" She asked, "'cause I can stay."

"I'm good," he grunted.

"Okay," she nodded and opened the door farther to let him in.

Carisi walked in and saw Barba sitting at his desk with a file open in front of him. He glanced up for a moment before returning to his work.

"Call me if you need anything," Rollins pulled Sonny's gaze back to her.

"Got it," he said.

Amanda gave him a smile before she left the office and closed the door behind her.

Sonny walked over to the couch and sat, he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. God, it hurt so much to be here, to see Barba sitting there. But he had to, he had to make it work, because he had destroyed their friendship, if there had ever been one to begin with, and now all he had to grasp onto was what remained of their professional relationship.

He couldn't close his eyes without Rafael's rejection repeating over and over behind his closed lids. And the shame of how wrong he had been filled him, how he could have been so stupid to think that this cultured, intelligent, successful man would ever be interested in him.

Sonny looked up and saw that Rafael was looking at him.

"Sonny..." he began.

"I'm sorry about last night," Carisi said without letting Barba finish, "I promise it won't happen again."

Sonny could see a pained look cross Rafael's face.

"Sonny," Barba repeated, rising from his seat and walking toward him.

And Sonny's heart began to race, because even now, Rafael saying his name made his blood rush.

Barba stopped in front of him, looking down at the younger man with his brows drawn together and his gaze serious, "can I sit?"

"'Course," Carisi tried to smile.

Barba sat down and stared at his hands, "I never meant to hurt you."

"It's my fault–"

"No," Barba said, finally turning to look at him, "I'm sorry. I was scared, I was..."

Carisi watched Barba as he trailed off. His eyes were filled with pain. And all Sonny wanted to do was take that pain away, it didn't matter that his own heart was breaking, "I shouldn't have put you in that position, Counselor."

Barba shook his head, "I wish I had kissed you back."

Sonny froze, "what?" He barely managed to squeak out.

"I could never imagine that you would want me, I'm old and cranky and can be a pretentious ass on my best days. But when you did... when you did I panicked. I'm sorry for hurting you Sonny, that was never my intention."

"So you, uh," Carisi cleared his throat, "you're saying?"

"If you still want to," Rafael took a deep breath and let it out with a smile, "if you still want to I'd like to give this a chance. Give us a chance."

Sonny's whole face seemed to light up, "you're serious?"

"Have you ever known me to joke, Detective?"

"I guess that depends on whether sarcasm counts," Sonny gave a crooked grin that filled Rafael with warmth.

"Well I can tell you that this time I am quite serious."

Rafael leaned forward and brought his lips against Sonny's, he could feel their warmth radiate out. As they kissed, Rafael brought a hand up to Sonny's jaw bone and held it there. Carisi tangled his hand in Rafael's hair and pulled him closer.

Rafael pulled back for air and rested his forehead against Sonny's. Sonny's breaths were short and quick as he tried to pull oxygen into his body.

They stayed like that and Rafael couldn't stop the smile from coming to his face.