Barba didn't like this, he didn't like doing nothing, sitting still, being so damn useless. But he knew the second he tried to make his way to the door, Olivia would stop him. And he knew she was right, of course she was, but it didn't make sitting on Munch's couch and staring at his hands any easier and it didn't make each second that passed by without an update any faster.
Because if Barba knew his life was the only one at risk, he would've been out that door the second he knew where Sonny was, and the selfish part of him wished he could do that. But he couldn't, because it wasn't only his life, it was Liv's and Rollins' and Munch's too.
"Rafael," Olivia turned sideways on the couch to face him, "why didn't you talk to me about this?"
"You're his boss, Liv," he looked at her, "and then everything happened," he shook his head.
A moment passed in silence. "I always knew he liked you," Liv smiled.
"Really?" Barba's face turned quizzical, a rare feature on him.
She let out a small laugh, "he was never great at hiding it, although he sure did try. You on the other hand," she raised a brow at him.
"Yeah, I know."
Benson propped her elbow against the back of the couch and leaned her head against her hand. "You never talked much about relationships," she said, not a question, merely a statement.
Barba looked away and locked his eyes on the lamp across the room, "In my experience it's best to keep those things to myself."
"I'm sorry Raf, we don't have to talk about it, I just want you to know that this doesn't change anything, it doesn't change how I think of you."
"So you still think I'm a pain in the ass?" Barba gave her a sideways glance.
"On a good day," she smiled.
Barba sighed and leaned back against the couch, "do you think he's gonna be okay, Liv?"
"I hope so, Raf."
Barba looked down to the blood that had dried against her skin and clothes, "how do you do it?" He asked. "People get shot and they die. How can you keep coming back to this?"
"The truth is, I'm not sure anymore," she shook her head, "I just come in everyday and try to do my best. On the days where that's not enough, I think about leaving. I could take Noah and we could travel, go somewhere that doesn't seem so full of monsters."
"So what keeps you here?"
"I get to save people," she said, "I listen to them recount the most horrific things that have happened to them and I get to make sure they are heard. For me that makes everything else worth it."
"If Sonny doesn't..." Barba trailed off, "how do I go back into a courtroom and pretend it's enough to try these bastards?"
"Sometimes you can't, but that's the job," she tilted her head, "and it can either make you better or it can break you."
Barba massaged his temples and tried to stave off the headache that was beginning to form.
"And, Raf," Liv put a hand on his shoulder, "it's okay to walk away. I know it feels like it, but this job isn't everything."
"If I'm not an ADA then I don't know what I am."
"You're Rafael Barba," Olivia smiled, "you're cranky, sarcastic, and pretty much the most caffeine addicted man I've ever met."
Barba looked at her and could tell she was trying to make him smile. He tried, for her benefit. Then he looked across the room and sighed, "I'm sorry, Liv. He's your detective and I just..."
"You love him, Raf."
Barba turned his head quickly and looked at her.
"I can tell." Her eyes were soft and kind.
"I–" he started, but words failed him. Because it was true, of course it was true. However much he tried to bury the feelings or deny the truth, he loved Sonny.
And this, right here, was why he didn't get attached. Why he had pushed away his feelings for so long. Because the pain was so deep in his chest he felt like it would never stop. All his life he had avoided this, avoided this feeling.
"They shot him because of me," he said finally, bringing his head down and holding it in his hands.
"Raf..." Olivia rested her hand on his back and could feel his breaths become irregular.
"I hurt him, Liv. All I can see is the pain in his eyes, I caused that." He tried to even his breathing, steady his emotions, because he didn't want to break down. Right now all he had was the illusion of control. But the illusion only lasted until he reached out for it and felt it disappear between his fingertips.
He almost didn't expect the tears that formed as he sat there, his face covered by his hands. It was such a foreign feeling, the sting in his eyes and the path of tears down his rough face. He had tried to keep control, but he had failed. He had failed in so many ways.
He had failed Sonny.
And finally Rafael let himself feel the pain, the ripping of his chest and the complete and utter hopelessness that encased him. He let himself feel without pushing it down, without trying to control. He had never loved anyone like he loved Sonny, he had never cared for anyone in that way, and the pain he felt was unparalleled.
The tears tore from deep within him and he gasped for breath. He didn't feel Liv's arms around him and he didn't hear her words of comfort. Instead he was consumed with thoughts of Sonny. Every moment they'd had together. Everything that was being ripped away.
Sonny was a good man, he didn't deserve this.
And Rafael prayed to the God that Sonny held so dearly that he would be okay.
He would give anything, he would give everything, for Sonny to survive.
He leaned into Liv's body and finally felt her there. He could feel how close she held him and he noticed how she continued to speak, her voice low and soothing.
And when he turned to look at her, he saw that she too was in tears.