Turtles Forever: Same as it Never Was Chapter 7: 7: He’ll be Ok - He Has to Be, a ninja turtles fanfic

Chapter 7: He'll be Ok…He Has to Be

Raphael

New York City, 2009

We took them to the infirmary section of Don's lab, laying them on beds side by side. Donny took charge immediately, and I gratefully let him. I'm not cut out for this kind of responsibility. I never was. I just always wanted the other parts of being the leader. I looked down at Leo and once again thought that I wished that I was the leader, simply so that Leo would stop being such a target. Our enemies always went for him, and it was clear why. Without him we were lost, barely able to function.

"Master Splinter, please clean and prep the Future Raph's wound for stitching and make sure Leo's not bleeding out. We'll need to make him a poultice and wrap for any internal bleeding the fall might have caused. Since you taught me how to make one I'll trust you to start it, Master," Don added, tempering his orders with the honorific. Splinter nodded.

"Of course my son." Don nodded back, then turned to Mikey.

"Mikey, call April and Casey…and maybe tell them to connect with Angel," Don added, sending a sidelong glance at the Future Angel, "Make sure they're ok, then ask them to bring as many medical supplies for a long fall and a stab wound as they can get their hands on. Hand the phone to Splinter when you're talking about Leo's wound, ok? He knows best what we'll need…Mikey, you've got to keep it together," Donny commanded. Mikey nodded, stopping the tears that threatened in their tracks.

"Raph, come here. You're the only one compatible to both of them," Don said, turning to me.

"And you'd better be giving it all to Leo," I stated firmly, not willing to compromise on this issue. Don narrowed his eyes.

"What, just because he's your counterpart in another dimension gives you the right to sacrifice him?" Don asked me angrily as he prepped my arm and the tools for a blood transfusion.

"He's not Leo, or Mikey, or you, or even me for that matter—this family, our family. Donny, come on, Leo first. He's our brother," I cajoled, seeing I wasn't going to get anywhere with him using aggression.

"Yeah, and that Raph is my brother too. I fought with him. I thought I'd led him to his death, and yet here he is, taking the blow meant for you and Leo, and you expect me to just let him die again!?" Donny practically screeched. It seemed clear that he was pretty damn close to losing it too.

"Don, you have to keep it together. I'm not saying let him die. Sorry, if Leo doesn't need all the blood then I'm not saying don't give it to him, I'm just saying Leo first, alright? Don't worry, you can do this. We can save both of them…but Leo first." I reassured him. Don nodded, fighting to maintain control of himself, then removing the needle from my arm and taking the bags of blood I hadn't even noticed him filling.

"They're on their way," Mikey announced, "and they're getting the supplies as we speak."

Don nodded his thanks, then turned to Splinter, who had the poultice ready, and helped him wrap the dark bruises already forming around Leo's torso. Don's lips tightened at the sight of them, obviously worried about internal bleeding, glancing at Splinter, who also looked worried, but reassured us anyway.

"Do not worry, my sons, this poultice is meant to heal internal bleeding, and has healed worse injuries than your brother's. It is as his counterpart said: 'he is tough. He'll be ok,'" Splinter said gently. Once again I found myself too choked up to respond to these words, a tear escaping my very fragile control. Don averted his own watery eyes and hooked a bag of my blood into Leo's arm, then turned to my counterpart.

Angel was standing over him, holding his hand, and looking daggers at me. I hadn't noticed her there. To be honest, I'd forgotten all about her. She'd obviously heard my conversation with Don about saving Leo and not worrying so much about her Raph. I felt some shame, but did not apologize.

She had already cleaned and sewed up his wound, and after all the blood was wiped away it looked much better than I'd originally thought. He was lucky. The blade had only pierced the edge of his shoulder and shell. In fact, when this was all over he'd probably have a scar that matched Leo's. It was even on the same side. For some inexplicable reason this caused a twinge of jealousy to surface in me. I squashed it down. What the shell? Since when am I jealous of wounds that require stitches and a blood transfusion?

You always did like to compare scars, Raphie, that part of my head that spoke in Leo's voice teased. I shook my head to clear it.

Whoa, must be getting woozy from giving blood, I'm going crazy. Get it together Raph, I chided myself.

Donny had saved enough blood that he could hook a bag up to my counterpart. He could see me tense but cut off my objection.

"Leo doesn't need that much. As soon as April and Casey get here with some saline that will do just as well for his injuries, alright? Calm down." Don said tersely. I shut up, sitting down next to Leo. Don's look softened. He understood.

"He'll be ok…he has to be," Don stated gently. I understood. Don was putting Leo first, it was just that there wasn't a whole lot we could do for internal bleeding.

April and Casey arrived, bringing with them more, much needed and much appreciated supplies. Don, Splinter, April, and Angel worked to administer them, and then all we could do was wait. Wait until the dressings had to be changed, wait until the wounds healed, wait until they woke up.

I sat in the infirmary with them all night, and so did Angel. She glared at me for a while but eventually gave up on that, seeming to decide that in our mutual pain and worry my moment of callousness for my counterpart was forgivable.

With nothing to do besides watch two still faces or her animated and beautiful one, I chose to watch her. What I saw was simply amazing. She loved my counterpart. But, not just as a sister or a friend, she loved him. It was obvious, in the way she squeezed his hand, the way she stroked his face, the way she wiped his forehead with a cool cloth and checked his dressings. And then of course, it was what she said too. She told him that she had a secret, something that she needed to tell him and Leo. Now that Leo was gone it was even more important that Raph wake, that he not leave her. I wondered but did not ask, keeping my silent witness to this incredible tryst. After spending the night as a quiet intruder to their private love I saw her in a different light, saw my Angel in a different light, and saw life as a ninja turtle in general in a different light. It was possible to have a human companion, and this Angel, at least, seemed a pretty good one to have.

She talked about Leo a lot, their Leo, that is. It was heartbreaking, actually. I almost said something, asked her to have some sensitivity since mine was lying right here, but I didn't, couldn't intrude on this. I let her speak, and I listened, soon realizing that somehow, she had loved him too, and that both her Leo and her Raph had known and been ok with it. Somehow she had been the one thing they could share, the only connection they really had. It was unbelievable to hear how bad things had been between him and their Leo, and for how long, and I tightened my hold on my Leo's hand in response, looking down at his slack face and begging him to wake up soon and promising that if he did I would never let that happen to us.

Donny came in to check on them and ended up staying to talk with Angel about the world that he had visited. She told him, and me, even if that wasn't her intention, what sounded like pretty much everything. They discussed the rebellion and April, who she shared had sent Donny a greeting and a message of thanks, which seemed to please and pain Donny at the same time. They talked about his time there, our counterparts, postulated what might have happened to his, discussed ways to help mine heal emotionally from losing Mikey and Leo, and having been estranged from them for nearly 30 years before their deaths.

I listened, and eventually I began to join in on the conversation, sharing the very serious discussion that Leo and I had had after Don got back and told us about his time there, and our counterparts' behavior. I shared that we vowed never, ever to let that kind of thing happen. We made a promise to ourselves that even if we lost Splinter, as we know we will one day, we won't lose our little brothers. And if, horror of horrors, we lose one of them, we won't abandon the other. I shared how close we are and yet how much we fight with Angel, discussing the differences between the dimensions, and my thankfulness that we've never been tested like that.

Angel let me know what she thought of her Leo and Raph's actions, saying how stupid they were and how she wished she could have done more to bring them together, admitting that by playing along with their sick game she might have done more harm than good. Perhaps knowing that the other was ok from learning it from her was the only thing that kept them from feeling the urge to see for themselves and therefore realize how much they need each other and make up. I didn't know what to say, seeing the logic in this, but not wanting to cause her any more pain or guilt than she was obviously already feeling.

Our Angel stumbled in very late, apparently having trouble getting across the Technodrome-ravaged city to answer Casey's call, but fighting her way here all the same. We warned her that she'd be seeing a war-torn 30-year-older version of herself and she said:

"Yeah, whatever. Weird shit always happens when I hang out with you guys," and walked past me to check on Leo and contribute to the medical supplies. Her eyebrows rose at seeing her counterpart holding mine's hand, but after seeing what bad shape he and Leo was in she offered Donny, Mikey, and I hugs and took her turn sitting vigil with us. None of us could sleep, but Splinter insisted that we try in shifts.

The other me woke up about midmorning, and I hated him for it. I hated how Angel wrapped him in her arms and kissed him. Hated how glad he looked to see her and Mikey and Don and Master Splinter, how he grabbed Splinter's hand and called him Dad in an embarrassing voice, and how Splinter's features softened in reply as he embraced him and called him 'my son.' Hated how after he got done blubbering into Master Splinter's robes he turned to Mikey and drew him into a tight hug, sobbing on his shoulder and apologizing incoherently for how he treated his future self, and how Mikey hugged him back and patted his shell, murmuring something reassuring. Hated how sweet the family reunions were, how very alive he looked, now that he was awake. It just made Leo look more injured, plus the way he looks at Leo bothered me. Like he has some claim on him. I made it clear that the seat next to Leo is my turf and he sat on his old bed instead. His Angel and Don shot me disapproving looks, but our Angel stood next to me and glared right back at them, seemingly taking my side, and I couldn't bring myself to care.

Don hugged the old geezer too and talked nonstop with him for a while, letting him know how happy he is that he survived and how sorry he is for leading them into the fight that took his Leo and Mikey away from him. That Raph put an arm around Donny's shoulder and assured him that he didn't blame him, sharing how great their world was now that the Shredder's gone and that Leo and Mikey knew what they were doing and would be proud of how much their sacrifice mattered.

That made me angry, somehow, that he could quantify their deaths like that. Like it was ok just as long as enough good stuff happened. That was one of the things that bothered me about my Leo's concept of honor. To me, nothing excused or would be worth a brother's death. Nothing. To Leo…well, he's always said that some things are worth fighting for…and by extension dying for, I would imagine. Like a brother. I suppose I shouldn't be too bitter, I do feel the same way about my own life. I guess we'll just always have to be around to watch each other's backs and save Mikey and Don if they need it, so neither of us will feel the need to sacrifice ourselves, much as my counterpart did, I grudgingly remind myself. He saved Leo, not me. And so I owe him.

That Raph told Donny about Leo making gravestones for our counterparts—such a Leo thing to do—and how much he appreciated, albeit how hard it was, putting his Donny to rest. Don looked a bit weirded out, but answered that he thought that they had done the right thing, and that he was positive that his alternate self wouldn't have just run out on them, so yeah, he was probably gone and would appreciate being put to rest with the rest of the family.

Eventually it was just my counterpart and I in the room with Leo. It was awkward silence for a moment before he broke it.

"I'm not sure if we'll get the chance to talk alone again, so I'd like to now," He began. I nodded in assent.

"Mainly I just want to let you know what a wonderful person your Leo is and convey how very sincerely I hope you realize that."

"I do," I said stiffly.

"Good, then you'll understand why I'm saying what I'm going to say next. Don't ever leave him. I know you fight, God, all the time, but that's all it is. Look, even if something terrible happens—well, I was an idiot to blame him for Splinter's death. He saved my life by dragging me out of there, both of our lives, actually, and Mikey's too because you know they would have stayed with me if he couldn't get me out. It wasn't his fault that we lost Splinter. It was mine. And the guilt was more than I could bear. After losing Donny and not knowing what we could have done to save him, this was something that I could pin down and assign blame for. It was horribly weak of me, dishonorable."

"I lost a bit of my humanity that day, and a bit more each day after that for 30 years as I hardened my heart more and more to my remaining brothers. I left Mikey alone. I left my baby brother completely alone, his worst fear. Turned Leo, my best friend, completely out of my life even though a part of me still pined for him and worried terribly that he would die before, well, before we reconciled, I guess—that he would die at all, actually. And then your Donny came in, like a ray of light, the missing piece, and we all just fell back into place. We had a few hours in which to reminisce, catch up…apologize. Mikey was cold—all my fault, but Leo was, I don't know, not exactly happy, but fulfilled. He always lived for family. I took that away from him, from myself, for the majority of our lives and I will never forgive myself."

"In the end I realized how much I cared, but by that point it was too late. Too late, and then I woke up to your Leo's face, exactly like my Leo 30 years ago, back before the fighting, back when we were a family, and I wanted him back, my Leo, so badly. So, even if something terrible happens to your family, your Splinter, your Don, whatever…you hang on to him. Never, ever forget how much you love them all, and no matter how much it hurts, never push your guilt onto one of them. Because I can tell you right now, you'll never forgive yourself. You belong at his side, his second-in-command. And pray to God or whatever higher power might be out there that you never have to take over as leader."

It was a long and slightly pompous, preachy speech, something that would normally irritate me to no end. I wanted to snap off a retort that just because he fucked it up with his family didn't mean he had to put it on me, like I ever would do that—never, the idea was too painful to even consider. But what he said rang with such sincerity, such pain, that I couldn't help but nod and make the promises he asked me to…and mean them.

Angel

I talked with my alternate future self after the Raph's took their shift and finally passed out near midnight the next day…how could I not? She was in a relationship with Raph, her Raph, and had been with her Leo too, before he died. How could I not ask questions? Not be curious about, well, what it was like?

She said it was wonderful, basically, even though the situation and the war and their feud was kinda fucked up.

It gave me something to think about. Something besides Leo lying unmoving on that cot, what Raph had looked like silently watching him, begging him with his eyes to wake up and be ok. Besides Mikey crying in a corner, Don overworking himself to the point of a complete meltdown, Splinter aging before my eyes, April crying, Casey with a helpless, angry/sad look and clearly feeling helpless while he held her or tried to comfort Raph. They needed Leo. They needed him so badly. The fates couldn't be cruel enough to take him, could they?

I didn't know much about internal bleeding, except that it was really bad. He needed a hospital. The other Angel gave me a wry look when I said this, let out a bitter laugh, and said that that was one good thing about the Shredder's invasion and the Earth Resistance Force: plenty of medics who would give their right foot to work on and save one of the turtles, especially Leo. But when I suggested that we teleport him to her world for medical treatment her eyes darkened and she shared that they didn't really have the right equipment anyway, which translated to me that there's not much anyone can do for internal bleeding.

I squeezed Raph's hand and sat next to him when he woke after much too little sleep, watching him watch Leo. I swear, he must have been trying to keep Leo breathing by sheer willpower, the intensity of that stare, that look. The pause after each exhale seemed to kill him a little. His brothers started telling Leo stories again, like they apparently did the last time he was laying unconscious from injuries for an extended period of time. I had no idea he got beat up so often. It was heartbreaking. I was thankful to hear more about this awesome family Fate had somehow tied me to, wondering at their heroics, but horrified at the danger they were in so often, thrust in some crazy and threatening situation seemingly every week.

I wasn't sure at first, but after they had all told a story or two it seemed like Leo's color was starting to come back a little. I don't really believe in a God, but if there is one out there, I pray that he/she helps him. This family needs Leo. We all do.