Turtles Forever: Same as it Never Was Chapter 8: 8: No Fear, a ninja turtles fanfic

Chapter 8: No Fear

Raphael

New York City, 2009

Come on Leo, wake up.

I'm getting tired of this, tired of Fate or God or whatever, just life in-general, for putting him through this. Always him. When all he ever cares about it us and helping others.

Damn it Fearless, wake up!

I'm scared. Did I mention that? Truly scared. I don't know why that monster under the Volpaheart building thought that my worst fear was letting my anger turn me into something like the Shredder (or whatever that vision meant), because this is definitely it: losing my brothers, losing him. I used to have nightmares about it all the time, still do occasionally.

Leo, please…please…focus on our voices like you did last time. Wake up!!!

I told him story after story, listened to the others telling theirs. We kept them all upbeat, all had some positive aspect, but he didn't respond at all. Nothing. We've never dealt with anything like this, don't even know how bad his internal injuries are, so it's hard not to despair. We can't lose him. Not now, not like this.

Damn it…please…Leo…

Angel says that she thinks his color is improving—like she's a doctor—and I can't help but let my hope spike. I tell him one more story, one that I had intended to keep from everyone else for my entire life but I felt compelled to remind him of now.

"Ok Leo, come on, this is the last story, and then you're gonna wake up. Alright Fearless? You can do it. You promised that you always would." I stated, gearing up for the story.

"Remember the time when we made that promise? It was way back when we were kids…" I began, noticing my counterpart watching me from the corner of his eyes. I wondered if he and his Leo had made that promise too.

"I had woken up crying—no bawling—after a horrible nightmare. The worst! I couldn't get it out of my head and all I could think to do was run from the lair, which was the place where it was set. I thought that somehow since that's where it had happened in the dream if I got far enough away it wouldn't be able to. I ran for a long time before I realized that I was lost. Lost, but in a place where I couldn't go any further, a secret chamber of sorts, with some big rocks that could serve as benches. I wanted to go home but didn't try to because I felt like I didn't deserve to, so I just curled up against one of the rocks, trying not to remember the dream and forcing myself to stay awake. I got colder and colder and more sad and scared every minute that I stayed there, and I was alone in that room for what seemed like hours.

It hadn't been hours though. You had heard me crying out from my nightmare and woke up, getting up to check on me and discovering my bed empty. You searched the lair and ran out after me the moment you realized that I was gone, not even pausing to tell anyone because you were so scared that I was hurt and was leaving and you didn't know why. You called out for me and tracked me to the room, shouting my name so that I eventually heard you. I cried for you and you discovered the room, running over to me and leaping into my arms for a relieved hug, then quickly checking me over for injuries.

Once you discovered that I was unhurt you put an arm around my shoulders and sat me down on one of the rocks to figure out what was wrong, and I told you about my nightmare. In it I had gotten mad at you and ran off, like I sometimes did already at that age, and that a bad guy had followed me back to the lair because I was careless in my anger. He caught me, gagged me, and tied me up so that I couldn't do anything when he snuck one-by-one to each of our rooms and killed everyone. In my dream he made me watch you die, and told me it was all my fault, then left me with your body. I woke up and knew that I had to get away from you guys because I was dangerous and didn't want that to happen in real life.

You smiled, hugged me again, and told me that I would never ever do that, and that in fact it didn't make any sense because I was the most protective of all of us, and you knew that I would always have everyone's backs and would be careful not to let something like that happen. You said that even though we fight and I sometimes run off you know I'll always come back, and that it's ok that I want space and that you know I'll never lead anyone bad back. You said that I was your best friend and very brave, and that I would always be there to protect us, just like you would always be there to protect us. "Promise?" I asked, believing that in you, Fearless, anything Fate had to throw at us could be thwarted and we could keep them all safe. You promised that you would always be here for us, and would always protect us, and I promised the same thing. We nicked our arms with a sharp rock and swore in blood, vowing that as blood-brothers this promise could never be broken.

We made that room our secret space, a clubhouse when we were little, a place to play and fight and spar, a getaway when we were older and needed some space to talk away from everyone else. We never had a bad argument there, and never violated the space right after one when we know the other was cooling down in it. We reconciled countless times in that room, made up and then made jokes about it.

I never knew you could paint until we found some cans and big brushes discarded behind a home improvement store and decided to decorate the place. You're really good; did I ever tell you that? We wrote our vow out in red paint over blue, like the motto of a club, our own secret leader's club. For a while you shared everything, every lesson that Splinter gave you for being a leader, with me. You made me your second-in-command, told me that if something did happen to you, temporarily, of course, because anything else would be breaking your promise, that I was in charge, no matter what Splinter said. You told me we were co-leaders, but with me like a secret leader so the bad guys wouldn't know it and I could come out and surprise everyone to save the day if you ever needed the help."

"Today, I think, you need the help…but you promised Leo. You swore. You have to wake up. You promised that you would always be here for us, and would always protect us, and I believed in you Fearless Leader. I still do. Come back and lead us, because this job is more than I can handle alone. I can't be your replacement. There's still stuff we gotta do. Please bro, I need you to keep that promise. I need you. I—I love you," I finished softly, Putting a hand up to try to hide the tears but not really caring who saw them anymore.

And then I heard something.

Leo muttered something, sort of groaned, and then opened his eyes. He saw me there, crying, exposed to the world and our entire extended family behind me and he smiled.

"Don't worry," he croaked, then cleared his throat and continued, "I intend to keep that promise for a long time to come." His next words were almost lost in the roar of ten people cheering but I just caught them: "Love you too Raph," he whispered. "Thanks for bringing me back again."

Leonardo

I knew that something was wrong the moment I became aware of a light shining through the darkness of the fog that had enveloped me. I mean, there's just something about actually "seeing the light" that really makes you "see the light," if you know what I mean. Just as it seemed like I was moving on I had the strongest will to stay that I've had since Raph and I became blood-brothers. Something about that struck a cord and it was like I could suddenly hear voices, but muffled as if from under water. I couldn't quite make out what the voice was saying but for some reason I kept thinking about the time when we found our clubhouse, made that promise to always take care of and be there for each other and the others, and became blood-brothers. The voice became quieter and I realized that I was being pulled away from it, away from the pain, away from any and all sensation altogether and into something like warm, soft cottony-ness. It terrified me and I struggled to hang on to that voice, concentrating all my might on the words, the tone; it sounded sad, and desperate, with a strong undertone of love. It was definitely one of my brothers, and judging by the story that keeps coming to my mind it must be Raph.

This would destroy Raph, if I—didn't wake up. If I died. Thinking about Raph helped me to hold on to something, focus on his voice, until I could just make out what he was saying.

"You told me that if something did happen to you, temporarily, of course, because anything else would be breaking your promise, that I was in charge, no matter what Splinter said. You told me we were co-leaders, but with me like a secret leader so the bad guys wouldn't know it and I could come out and surprise everyone to save the day if you ever needed the help."

I shook myself mentally, my resolve greatly strengthened, and I pulled on that lifeline made up of his voice, pulled until I could feel the pain again, till my heart was hammering in my ears and I could actually hear him.

"Today, I think, you need the help…but you promised Leo. You swore. You have to wake up. You promised that you would always be here for us, and would always protect us, and I believed in you Fearless Leader. I still do. Come back and lead us, because this job is more than I can handle alone. I can't be your replacement. There's still stuff we gotta do. Please bro, I need you to keep that promise. I need you. I—I love you," Raph finished softly. I felt a tear hit my chest, then a few more, as it became clear that Raph was crying.

I struggled to escape this unconscious state, desperate to comfort Raph who never cried unless something was really wrong. I tried desperately to say his name, managed to get out a muttered sound, which for some reason hurt me on the inside. I groaned weakly, but the physical pain helped to ground me, and I opened my eyes.

I saw Raph standing over me, crying, exposed to the world and our entire extended family behind him and I smiled.

"Don't worry," I croaked, then cleared my throat and continued, "I intend to keep that promise for a long time to come." My next words were almost lost in the roar of ten people cheering but I could tell Raph heard them: "Love you too Raph," I whispered. "Thanks for bringing me back again."

Raph's tears started anew but I could tell this was a different kind of crying, and his relieved cheer and desperate-gentle hug, shoulders heaving, face buried in my neck, arms wrapped around my shell, hands clinging, let me know that I was home.

Mikey and Donny's sudden presence solidified the feeling, as Mikey wriggled past Raph to give me a hug as well and Donny reached out first to stroke my face down to the pulse point in my neck, as if to check my vitals—or maybe just to reassure himself, then grip my arm where it wrapped around Mikey's shell.

"Be careful Mikey," Donny said, but unnecessarily, as Mikey was keeping all of his weight off of me and barely even squeezing, his muscles quivering with control and emotion, holding me as if I might break if he squeezed too hard yet might fly apart if he let go, face working and tears squeezing out. I couldn't help but smile and tear up a little myself at the fierce joy and relief of being reunited with him, young and alive and safe in my arms, pressing my cheek more firmly against his own and hugging him back as tightly as I could manage.

"He's ok Donny. I'm ok...Mikey, god it's so good to see you bro. I didn't know—I mean I knew I'd see you again, I believed I would, but we buried their Mikey and—I just—shell, it's really good to be home. I'm so glad you're ok," I choked out, holding him a little tighter as he nuzzled my neck and hid his wet face a little deeper into my shoulder—seemingly crying a little harder now, acknowledging for the first time how affected I really was by the death of future Mikey, and the absence of my Mikey and Donny.

"Donny," I shifted my hand to take his, drawing him into the hug, "I missed you guys. It's so good to see you."

"Ditto Leo, we were so worried about you," Donny breathed as he wrapped his arms gently around us as well. "And you know I know the feeling," he added, pausing to take a shaky breath, "...thank you for saving Raph. It's good to see him again too."

Don glanced back and I saw two Raphs over his shoulder where before there had been one. Our Raph hovered protectively, kneeling beside us, having hesitated to move away from my cot after drawing back to let Mikey in for the hug. I saw him give Future Raph an unreadable look as he approached to take his turn to greet me, seemingly coming to a decision as he gave his older counterpart an almost imperceptible nod and shifted further aside to let him join our group. Future Raph dropped to his knees in front of me too.

"Hey Little Leo," he said softly, "good to see you up and about again, kid. Had us worried there for a minute." He smiled gently, the wrinkles smoothing out and the scars creasing in new patterns as his face relaxed for the first time in decades, a line of tears tracing their way unacknowledged down his cheek and into one of those creases.

Despite how relieved he looked, something about his gentle expression was so painful it made me want to cry all over again. Little Leo... his Leo was dead and buried. Here I was reunited with my whole family and all he and Angel would have to go back to would be April and her band of rebels and the pathetic rocks I gave him to put on the dirt covering the rest of his family. It was hard to meet his eyes with that thought, and as I dropped mine I saw the newly stitched wound tearing across his shoulder and shell for the first time.

"What happened?!" I gasped, reaching for it.

"Eh? That giant Shredder kinda got me too." Future Raph said with an rakish half smile, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly.

"He saved us Leo, pushed you and me outta the way of Shredder's gauntlet blades." My Raph said bluntly, then continued more hesitantly, "I would have—I was trying to get you out of there, but their wasn't time—I wouldn't have—we wouldn't have made it. I couldn't, couldn't get you clear, couldn't save you, but he did, saved us both, took the blow for us, and well, you should know." He trailed off, looking down.

"Oh Raphie," I started, reaching for my Raph again and hoping he heard the loving pride in my voice instead of the worry I knew tinged it.

"Of course now he isn't telling you how he had pushed you behind him and had every intention of taking the blow for you." Future Raph stated matter-of-factly. I glanced at him before turning back to my Raph.

"No, I suppose such things generally go unsaid. I don't think I've ever managed to keep track of all the times one of my brothers have taken a blow for me—" I began in a deadpan.

—"Not nearly as many times as you've managed to do it for one of us, Fearless." Raph interjected wryly, adding under his breath, "despite how much you know it drives us crazy."

"Well there you have it, you owed me." I couldn't help but quip back with as straight a face as I could manage, hoping to startle that look off Raph's face. The sound of Mikey's snort was almost my undoing, but I managed to wait until Raph's mouth twitched and he let a chuckle escape before cracking my own smile. Almost as one all three of my brothers reached for me again, laughing delightedly. I expected a noogie any time now. Future Raph took a step back as he saw them coming in for the group hug. I tried to focus on the laughter and the feel of being safe in my brothers's arms instead of the thought of him being alone in a world without his, watching our family reunited from the outside.

Future Raphael

Watching them was like being sent 30 years into the past. I had almost forgotten how we used to look at each other, had forgotten all the little touches, how natural they were, how comfortable it all was. The easy banter, the laughter, even in a situation charged with emotion. It took my breath away. I was so desperately thankful that somehow we had gotten both Donny and Leo back to this family, that they were together and whole.

As they hugged Leo again, Splinter joined in, drawing first all his sons into the embrace, then shooing the others aside so he could wrap Leo alone into his arms gently, taking a moment to rest his forehead against Leo's, both of their eyes closing for a second. As Splinter gestured them aside Leo's brothers had piled around him, all managing to touch him just a little bit with their shoulders or hands while still giving Splinter enough room to hug him, then run his hands over Leo's wounds, checking all of his poultices and seemingly reassuring himself of Leo's health. It was so good to see. It was painful, but it would be so much worse later. It was going to be so hard to leave.

Angel stepped up then and slipped her arm around my waist and I knew she had been watching me watching them and understood. All this love, this intense sense of family...How had I let that go? Let Leo and Mikey go...Was it just me and my family? Had there been something wrong with us? Would this family manage to stay together if they lost Don and Splinter? Looking at them now I couldn't picture anything else, even having lived it. Angel glanced at me as I ruminated on all this and gave me a bittersweet smile that said it all.

"Let's talk," she said gently, and led me away with a small smile that suddenly seemed more excited than the conversation warranted, purely happy even. A few minutes later I understood why, but I imagine my expression looked much more flabbergasted than anything else.

She was pregnant, and the baby was a turtle.