I tried running away, but I came right back today

Eight Months Later

Arthur sat in the church on that hard pew, his hands folded over his knees. He sat there quietly, thinking about Kate. He was lost in his thoughts when someone sat down next to him. He turned his head, seeing the minister smiling at him.

"Can I help you, son?" he asked. His glasses were perched on the end of his nose, and his silver hair was swept to the left in a comb over.

"Not really," Arthur answered.

"Are you mourning someone?"

"In a way."

"Well, I'm here if you want to talk about it."

Arthur sighed a little, looking away. How could he tell a minister that he was a killer and now lost in who he was? That wouldn't fly very well. He could, however, talk about Kate.

"I miss her," he confessed. "Every day. I barely knew her, so it surprises me at times that it hurts this much without her."

"When did you lose her?"

"Eight months ago."

"My condolences," the minister said empathetically. Arthur shook his head slowly.

"I didn't lose her in the sense that I 'lost' her," he corrected, turning his head to look at the minister again. "I left her."

"Oh. May I ask why?"

"She deserves someone so much better than me."

"Says who?"

"Says me," Arthur answered, shifting on the pew. "I'm not the right kind of guy for her."

"I see. When you left, did you say goodbye?"

That was a painful truth. Arthur had not said goodbye to her. He had left before fully recovering, which he'd gotten some flak over from the nurses, especially Virginia, whom he'd practically shaken off his leg on his way out after prying her fingers off. He'd found Kate sleeping after her procedure, kissed her forehead and told her he had to go, and left without looking back. A week later, Virginia had told him the procedure had been a success and that Kate was expected to make a full recovery based on the new, faster testing they had available now. That was all he'd needed to know, and he'd breathed a lot easier knowing she was going to be okay because he'd been scared to hear that it hadn't worked.

"No," he admitted. "I did not. It would have been too hard."

"So what brought you here today?" the minister asked.

"I guess I'm just trying to get redemption for all my mistakes," Arthur replied, leaning back against the pew now.

"Well, you're certainly in the right place," the minister chuckled. Arthur cracked a smile before sighing again and running a hand over his head.

"You think she'll forgive me?" he asked after a moment.

"Hard to say. It's not easy to forgive sometimes."

"It's not," Arthur agreed. He thought about his past and the people who had taken him from his home and trained him to be a soldier from a young age. His fingers tapped against his father's watch, the last thing he had to remind him of the man whose eyes crinkled in the corners when he laughed and who told Arthur he'd love him forever. He didn't remember his mother...she was a blur most of the time in his mind. She had died a few years before he'd been taken. He'd found out that his father had died not long after. Sometimes, he grew angry at his father for letting it happen. Even after killing the men responsible eight months ago, he still felt anger and rage. He wasn't sure if he could forgive them for kidnapping him and making him who he was today.

"Perhaps if you explain why you left, she might find it in her heart to forgive," the minister offered now.

"Yea. Maybe."

Voices sounded in the back, and the minister turned to see who it was. He gave Arthur an apologetic smile when he looked back at him.

"I have to start my study now," he said. "I'm sorry to leave you in the middle of your reflecting."

"It's alright. I gotta go anyway."

"You sure? You're welcome to join us."

"Thanks, but I can't." Arthur smiled.

"Alright. Take care, son, and don't forget: God knows you." The minister reached to pat his shoulder before standing up and going to join the group of people hovering by the side door. Arthur waited a moment before standing up and walking over to the candles burning. He felt his throat tighten a bit as he thought about his parents. Without thinking too much of it, he lit two candles, murmured a few words to them, and walked out of that church with his hands tucked deep into his jacket pockets.

...

Kate fired her pistol rapidly, aiming at the paper target at the end of the range. She reloaded quickly without so much as a blink, and emptied it again.

"I think you got it," Reggie commented next to her once they removed their headphones.

"Just making sure." She gave a shrug and finished up before holstering her gun again.

"It's good to have you back," Reggie said now, and she smiled. It was good to be back. She'd missed working. Everyone had cheered upon her return and made jokes, which she pretended to find funny. No one knew how scary the reality had been for her, and no one knew how much her heart ached with missing Arthur.

She still didn't understand why he'd just disappeared like that. Was it her? Had he just not wanted to be in her life? Had something happened to him? She didn't know and never would. It aggravated her. She'd been upset the first two weeks after he'd left but then forced herself to carry onward.

"You feel up to going out for a bit?" Reggie said.

"Not really."

"You want some company?"

"I'll be fine." Kate walked towards the exit now with him on her heels. She pushed the door open, feeling the cooler night air touch her skin as she walked to her car.

"If you need me for anything, just call," Reggie offered.

"I will. Thanks, Reg."

He patted her back, and she got into her car and went home. Her apartment was quiet and lonely, but she made do most of the time. The other times, she went out to bars and people watched. If she was honest, she didn't want to make connections with people right now. She was still recovering from almost dying and didn't want to unload that on someone or have them somehow make it all about them and dismiss her experience altogether.

She opened the front door and stepped inside, tossing her keys on the counter after snapping the light on.

Then she saw a man standing there.

"SHIT!" she shrieked, yanking out her gun and aiming at him out of reflex.

"Whoa," Arthur said, holding up his hands. "It's just me." He stood there watching her, and she felt confused and happy and angry all at once. It was complicated.

"How did you get in here?" she demanded.

"You'd be startled to know how easy it was to break into this place."

"Actually, not really," she said with a sigh, lowering her gun. Her fight or flight was hammering away but slowly beginning to recede. Then she realized it was really Arthur standing in front of her, and she felt the anger rev up.

"You just up and left," she accused, diving right into it. "Why? I thought you cared about me!"

"I do," he answered. "Which was why I left."

This halted her anger in its tracks. She felt confused again. "I don't understand."

"I truly thought you were better off without me, so I walked away before you could try and convince me to stay." He sounded so genuine that it almost broke her heart to hear he thought that way. She set her gun on the counter now and got her wits back about her once more.

"Arthur," Kate said, pressing her fingers into her eyes briefly. "You should have just talked to me. I thought you hated me."

"I don't," he promised. She saw how tired he looked, and she felt a bit worried.

"Are you sick?" she asked.

"No."

"Why are you here now?" She needed to know. She'd only thought about him almost every day for eight months, wondering where he was and if he'd come find her. She'd tried to find him to no avail.

"Because I just really missed you," he confessed. "Life is shit without you."

"That makes two of us," she agreed. She moved closer to him, her heart racing again a bit now. "I thought I must have done or said something terrible to scare you away. Or that maybe you didn't want to watch me die if the marrow didn't work, which, I mean, I understood. Sort of."

"No," he replied, shaking his head.

"And then I thought maybe you didn't want to be with someone as broken as me," she went on. "I mean, I have a ton of baggage, and it's all pretty painful stuff. Who would want to be with someone like me?"

"Kate," he said, his voice sounding pained, "it wasn't any of that, I promise. I knew if I saw you again I wouldn't be able to leave, and I had convinced myself it was better to leave...that I wasn't good enough for you. It had nothing to do with your past."

"So...are you here to stay?" she asked. "Or are you gonna run away again?" She couldn't stay mad at him. She understood where he was coming from. She didn't feel good enough for him either. She also was the type to run if she felt it was the better option, so how could she blame him for doing something she probably would have done as well? He'd come back, and that said everything.

"There are things in my past that I'm not proud of," he told her.

"Don't we all have that?"

"Maybe, but I think mine is a bit different."

"It's a good thing we're in the present then," she said, closer to him still.

"You don't want to hear it?" he asked. She was standing right in front of him now; she could feel the heat coming off of him.

"Not today," she answered, looking him in the eyes. She'd imagined and dreamed about this a lot. Now that she wasn't attached to a damn IV pole and half dead, she could do what she wanted.

"You sure?"

"Very," she answered. She held her face close to his, and she could hear his breath shaking.

"I don't deserve you," he said quietly.

"I don't deserve you either," she replied. "Yet here we are."

"Don't say that," he told her. "You're an incredible person...you deserve someone who treats you well."

"Can you do that?" she asked. "Treat me well?"

"I can," he murmured.

"Then you do deserve me," she whispered. She held his gaze again, and then he was kissing her. It was powerful and raw, desperate and yet somehow sweet. Kate grabbed the edges of his jacket to keep from falling over, and he moved his arms to pull her in close to him. Ten minutes later, with half of their clothes scattered on the floor, Arthur picked her up in his arms, and she directed him to her room. She felt like she could barely breathe with his skin against hers. Nothing of this was what she'd imagined; it was so much better.

She rested on his chest after, her face pressed against his as he held the back of her arms gently.

"Where have you been all my life?" she asked, slightly out of breath. She felt him smile against her cheek.

"I could ask you the same question," he replied. She liked feeling his heart beating against her chest. It made her feel much less alone. She let out a contented hum when he lightly smoothed a hand up and down her back and shoulders. She honestly could stay like this forever.

"So tell me why you think you don't deserve me," she said after a moment. He gave a slight chuckle in his throat.

"I'm just not your average guy," he replied.

"Is that including the things you've done that you're not proud of?"

"Mostly."

"And the rest?"

"I've never had a serious relationship let alone any kind of long term relationship. I have no idea how to do it, and I wouldn't want to crash and burn and take you down with me."

"I see."

"You still want to take a chance on me?" he asked, tilting his head at her.

"I'll have you so well trained you won't even know what hit you," she answered, giving him a playful smile. He laughed and rested his hand on her cheek now.

"Good luck," he said, slightly sarcastic. She gave him a light shove before getting comfortable on him again.

"I think you'll be just fine," she assured him.

"So why do you think you don't deserve me?" he asked a moment later. She sighed.

"I told you: I'm broken."

"Kate..." His voice sounded hurt again, and she felt her throat tighten slightly.

"I was messed up for a long time, and I finally got a place in the last couple of years where I was okay. I am okay."

"That's good," he said encouragingly.

"I was married before. I met Evan when I was still trying to pull my head above water, and I think he thought he could fix me or rescue me. Needless to say, I couldn't let him in the way he wanted, so he left."

"His loss."

"Not really," Kate corrected. "I didn't blame him for walking away. I wasn't worth it." She suddenly felt unsure of everything and moved off Arthur to rest on her back a few inches away from him. Who was she kidding? No guy wanted to be with someone like her. She had way too much baggage. She felt an apology on her lips for thinking this could work when he surprised her by catching her by the waist and pulling her back towards him, moving so he was resting on top of her next.

"You are not broken," he told her, his hands holding her face. She reached to hold his shoulders in response. "And you are so, so very worth it, Kate. It is his loss because he didn't hang on long enough to see that."

Kate swallowed down her emotion, trying not to cry. She disliked crying when others were watching. She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to keep her composure. She felt a tear leak out anyway, and Arthur's thumb smoothed it away gently, which made her open her eyes again.

"I'm willing to make this work if you are," he said now. "I've thought of nothing else since we've been apart. I want you in my life, Kate, if you'll have me."

Kate couldn't speak, so she just nodded vigorously and then kissed him hard. She wrapped her arms around him and held him close, feeling like this was a dream and he would disappear when she woke up.

A Few Days Later

Arthur wondered why Kate did not ask more questions about his past. If it were him, he'd be a little bit curious, but she didn't seem to be at all. He wondered if she just didn't want to know so as to save herself losing him so soon. He wasn't sure if he should be relieved that he didn't have to tell her or worried that he'd be living a lie if he kept it to himself.

He loved watching her just be her. He loved how she brushed her hair while standing on one leg with her other bent and resting against the dresser, how she chewed on her pinkie when she listened to someone on the phone or rested her fingers against her lips when she was thinking hard, how she managed to have control amidst chaos of whatever was happening, and the way her face lit up when she smiled or saw him come into the room. He also loved her laugh.

"Cheater!" she exclaimed now as Reggie threw down his cards.

"How did I cheat?" he asked, giving her a mischievous look. Arthur was smiling behind his cards, knowing that Reggie had indeed somehow cheated. Kate reached to search under his sleeves, and Reggie laughed and tried to fight her off to no avail.

"I knew it!" She held up the cards she pulled out of his left sleeve.

"Oh, Reg," Arthur said, shaking his head now. Reggie shrugged and held up his hands.

"Do you know how annoying it is to always be beaten at any game by her?" he asked. "I had to resort to drastic measures somehow."

"But then the victory is not properly earned," Kate reasoned, tossing the cards down and giving him a swift kick to the shin.

"Ow!"

"Don't be a cheater," she said, resting her elbow on the table and shaking her finger at him as he bent to rub his leg.

"Alright, Mother." Reggie ducked her incoming swat at this remark, and he laughed.

"Ugh," she said, leaning back in her chair now. "No wonder you don't have any friends."

"I have you," Reggie pointed out.

"That's because I take pity on you," she retorted. Arthur couldn't help but smile at their back and forth. He liked Reggie. The man was good at grounding Kate when Arthur couldn't, which didn't happen a lot, but sometimes she could go down a rabbit hole of fear around her health that made her anxious and unable to get out of it. That's when Reggie would ask her a question about a case or bring up a memory, and she'd calm back down again.

"Mm," Kate said in her throat after swallowing her beer when someone knocked on her door. "Food's here."

"I got it," Arthur advised, getting up to answer it. He realized pretty quickly that Kate did not cook for herself much, so he was working on teaching her some things. He set the two boxes of pizza down on the table when he returned.

"All right," Reggie said happily, snagging a piece for himself.

"Cheaters don't get the first slice," Kate retorted, trying to knock it out of his hand. He dodged her, cackling.

"Too slow!"

Kate rolled her eyes and shook her head before looking at Arthur. "Thank you." He gave a nod, and she reached to touch his side lightly as he walked by her. It was little gestures like this that he liked too. She didn't come across as affectionate to the public, but with him, she made any excuse to touch him at any time.

"Okay, so tell me how you keep winning if you're not cheating?" Reggie asked her now, and her eyebrows flew up to her hairline as she chewed on her slice.

"Excuse me?" she said around her food before swallowing. "You think I'm cheating?!"

"How else do you keep winning?"

"Because I'm good at the game!"

"No one can be that good every time!"

"Yes, they can!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Yea huh!"

And on it went. Arthur ate quietly, absorbing it all and feeling really happy inside at his new life. He wouldn't trade it for anything.