A Proper Parting

Summary:

In this chapter, Sidney is grappling with all that was left unsaid between him and Charlotte. He longed for a proper parting between them that would have allowed them to speak from their hearts. This is the concluding chapter in the story. Sidney was far from perfect, as he told Charlotte, but he endeared himself to all of us.

Chapter Three: A Proper Parting

Sidney had spent the day below deck due to gale winds and driving rain. He was growing tired of the ship and was looking forward to stepping on dry land again.

Today, in the cozy and warm cocoon of his quarters, he had written in his journal for hours. He had thought about Charlotte all day and was emotionally spent. So many regrets!

One regret was how they parted the day he returned from London.

He wrote:

The day I made the arrangement with Mrs. Campion to become her husband, I felt sick, physically sick, because I knew that when I returned to Sanditon, I would have to say things that would break Charlotte's heart. I honestly did not know what I would say, and in hindsight, I wished I had written down my feelings and processed them before I spoke to her. I did not say what I had wanted to say to give us a proper parting. So, I will write it all down now, and hope my heart will speak to hers over the distance between us. I would have explained more about what happened and how I was feeling at the time. She must have known I did not want to marry Eliza Campion, but I had no choice.

My darling, Charlotte,

I had every hope of being successful in London in securing financing to cover Tom's debts, but after exhausting every possible contact I had, I turned to the only person I knew who had the kind of funds I needed, other than Georgiana, and her funds were never an option. As her guardian, it was my job to protect her inheritance, not take from it, even as a loan.

When I went to see Mrs. Campion, she was still angry with me for sending her away. You see, my dearest Charlotte, she knew that I had sent her away because you owned my heart, not her. So, she taunted me, "Let's see who you love more, Miss Heywood or your brother. I will give you the money you need to cover Tom's debts, but only as your wife, and we must sign the contracts before you leave London."

I was stunned, and at that moment, I did not know what else there was for me to do. I had no one else to turn to. She gave me a way to help Tom, but in doing so, she took the one thing I wanted most in my life from me...to marry you. And...she knew exactly what she was doing. I have tried to forgive her, but I cannot.

So, when I came back to Sanditon, having done as was required of me, I had to face you. I was numb with pain, and so ashamed of hurting you. If the fire had not broken out, I would have asked you, the woman I love, to be my wife. We would be married by now, and maybe even have a babe on the way.

When you ran from the room, I heard you crying. It took everything I had not to go to you, my love, and take you in my arms. I would have cried with you. I wanted to cry for the days and nights we would not share, for the children we would not have, and for the chance to grow old with the woman who made me feel alive again.

I would have given us a proper parting, with nothing left unsaid between us.

Now, all I can do is write it all down, and hope that you understand why things had to turn out as they did.

I cannot say goodbye to you, and for as long as I live, you have my heart. I love you, more than I have the words to express. Sidney

Sidney laid in the darkness and let the grief he felt wash over him. He mourned the loss of the chance to live his life with his Charlotte, and he knew that he would mourn that loss for the rest of his life. He only hoped that she would not. She deserved every happiness in this life, and he wanted that for her. Truly.

For a moment, he let himself think of her, lying in bed next to him, and wrapped in his arms. Her warm and honeyed voice would whisper words of love to him, and he would speak his heart to her. If only...

He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, lulled by the rocking of the boat. His dreamed of her. Charlotte. And in his dreams, there was happiness and a long life together. With her, his Charlotte, as his wife.