Another timely update?! What is this world we live in.
Padme's hands trembled as they grasped her tablet. Her lips were pressed together so tight they were going numb.
Even Rex looked grim. His hands had a death grip on the steering wheel.
Ahsoka's call had shaken them both. Wiping a river's worth of tears from her face, she'd choked out what she'd done. And what Anakin had done.
"I've never- never seen- hells. He felt like a Sith. Holy Shavit. He was terrorizing the younglings. A temple guard sprained his arm."
Rex had not been surprised. "He'd get like that after you left. Don't worry commander, a fews hours of sparring and he'll be himself again."
Padme hadn't been surprised either. Bail hadn't been happy to hear she'd be missing the last two meetings of the day, but it hadn't taken long to convince him she needed to go. Sabe would simply have to do. Not that settling for Sabe was ever settling for less. Just different. Shiraya, she didn't deserve her.
Rex turned the wheel, driving them into the senate's garage and landed her sleek, Senate worthy ship next to Anakin's.
Anakin's ship was far from unappealing. He cared more about appearances than Ahsoka, but the Senate thought anything less than silver and seamless for the masses, though Anakin's bulky, blue and white ship could have flown circles around all of them.
Padme jumped out and stumbled on something on the floor.
She glanced down. Her heart dropped. The handle for Anakin's ship had been torn off. It lay there, on the floor, scattered among a few smaller parts.
"Ah. Kriff." Rex said.
Padme stared at it. "His hand should have settings so he can't grip stronger than his flesh hand. He shouldn't… not unless he turned it down."
But that would mean he went to the temple expecting a fight.
"He doesn't need a metal hand to rip a handle off." Rex said. "He'll use the force to make himself stronger, subconsciously. Either that, or he's got a workout routine that I don't know about."
Padme leaned against her own speeder, closing her eyes. She'd seen what Anakin could do in the force, many times. But the intricacies of how he used it in battle only Rex and Ahsoka knew.
She was his wife. She should know these things.
Steady there. She told herself. The more people that understand Anakin, the better.
She took a deep breath, centered her strength and calm, and shoved off the speeder.
"Let's go." She said.
Rex marched in perfect time behind her, his hands twitching for his blasters every half second.
As the Vice Chancellor, she had her own private elevator directly to her apartment. A luxury made purely for her driver. A gppd little Vice Chancellor would have been dropped off at the balcony of her own apartment and sent the chauffeur on their way. She kept her balcony locked, and the locks melted shut these days. It was far too dangerous to have a thousand meter drop when you had a force sensitive toddler around.
The elevator beeped with every level they passed. Perhaps it was Padme's imagination, but she swore that she could feel the air buzzing more and more the closer they got to their apartment.
She was positive of it by the time they were nearing her apartment. Her ears were ringing with it. She felt it in the back of her throat.
A pressure was building at the base of her brain, slowly pushing up, suffocating her brain against its own skull. A panic, chained tight in her chest, prowled back and forth on its short leash, desperate to run far, far away.
It was bad, and she wasn't even force sensitive. She couldn't imagine how suffocating it was for Ahsoka, or Luke and Leia.
She stepped forward, the door swished open. A voice echoed down the plain servant's hall.
"-me go!"
"Leia-"
"Let! Me! Go!"
Padme ran past the hall, and the kitchen, and the dining room, into the living room.
Leia was struggling against Anakin. She pulled on his grip. Her feet skidding on the carpet. But Anakin kept on tugging her toward him. She was pulling so hard, and he barely had to try to keep her close. Tears ran down her face, her hair stuck every which way. Her tiny fist beat against Anakin's, thankfully, flesh hand around her wrist.
Luke stood in the hallway to their bedroom. Watching with wet cheeks and wide eyes, lost between two people he loved. He saw Padme, and his eyes pleaded for her to do something.
"Leia- stay. Here. Whatever they did- let me-"
"Let-" A sob caught in Leia's throat. She hit Anakin's wrist wordlessly over and over, sobbing.
Padme had one hand around Leia's arm and another around Anakin's in a second.
"Let her go, Anakin." She said, low, and firm, in the voice of Queen Amidala.
"You shall not take her-"
"Anakin." Padme looked up into his furious eyes. I'm here. I love you. I'm on your side. "Anakin, you're scaring her."
He stared at her, then slowly, slowly released Leia's wrist.
Leia bolted, sobbing, away from them both, past Luke, down the hallway. Padme gestured to him to follow. He gave one last look, and ran after Leia.
Somewhere down the hallway, Jafan was crying.
Anakin didn't seem to hear it. His breaths came deep and heavy, his pulse under Padme's hand was frighteningly fast.
"Anakin, we're safe." She ran her hand up his arm, setting both her hands on his shoulders. "We're safe. We're happy. No one was hurt."
Anakin stared out the window above her head, towards the direction of the temple.
"Anakin," Padme set a hand on his jaw, trying to tug his head down to look at her. "Anakin. Say it with me, we are safe, we are happy-"
He wrenched out of her arms. "They'll pay for this."
She glanced over to Rex. He was leaning against the doorway, hand on his pistol. It was set to stun.
"Ahsoka brought Leia to the temple." She said, low, calm. "No one forced them."
"I have half a mind to get my lightsaber." Anakin's hand clenched around the imagined weapon. "Cut them all down, make them pay."
"That is not reasonable." Padme said, heart skipping every other beat. He'd made such claims before, but the Jedi temple had been a days' journey by hyperspace then. "You got triggered-"
"Of course I bloody got triggered." Anakin snarled. "They're trying to take her away from me. I won't let them- not Leia too. Leia is my daughter. They won't lure her away. Seduce her to their ways-"
"Maybe so. But I think we should think about this first. Let's go through our exercises and then-"
"Do you doubt me?" Anakin shouted, spinning to look at her, sneering. "I could do it. They'll all afraid of me. They won't admit it- too proud, too stupid, too slow. But I can stop them. I can bring them down. Don't doubt me, my love."
Padme winced, the buzzing at the back of her neck rang sharply.
She smiled, brightly, and switched tactics. "I think we should stay here. I'd much rather stay in. We could spar, Rex is here if you want a challenge, we could-"
"I will not be distracted." Anakin said. He threw his arms open, knocking a vase. It fell gaily to the floor. "No more excus-"
The vase hit the floor, shattering. Anakin flinched, curling into himself, shrinking down.
He stared at the pieces, his face blank.
Everything in the room, the paintings, the furniture, the books on the table, shuddered in its place.
Padme swallowed. Her mouth was as rough as the desert sand. "It's alright. You're safe. I love you. Everything is alright."
He snapped his head away. The room settled.
"She always leaves." He said. His face darkened again with rage. "She always goes- back to the Jedi. She doesn't see them. The chains. The chip they buried in her. They'll never let her go far."
Back to this. Back to familiar, safe ground.
"She chose to go, Anakin." Padme said.
"I know!" Anakin screamed. He raised his hand and hit himself on the head, the sound cracking through the apartment. He did it again. And again. Each sound jabbed a horrible iciness in Padme's stomach.
Watto had hit Anakin, as punishment. For not cleaning, for chatting too much, for the smallest of things. And yet, Anakin still spoke almost fondly of Watto. He had thought him a good master. Shmi had told him they were lucky to have him. Sometimes, she wondered if he thought Watto had given him those hits because he deserved them.
"I know! I know! I know! Don't you think I don't know! I-" his hand, blessedly, dropped. "I know she wants to be with the Jedi. Away from me. Away from our family."
She took a step forward, edging forward. When he didn't balk back, she put her hands on her cheek, rubbing them soothingly with her thumb. "She is grown, she wants to stretch her wings. She needs to choose her way. She loves you-" Anakin drew a shuddering breath, and he squeezed his eyes shut. "I love you," Padme added. "She'll come back. Like the Stre'ratch bird, returning to its old nest, year after year."
He covered her hands with his. They were warm. Always warm and running hot, her husband was. His lip trembled.
"She wants Leia to go too." He choked.
"Well." Padme shrugged, "she will go her own way too, one day, but-."
Anakin stiffened. A second later she was holding air, and Anakin ran out of the room. His feet pounded against the kitchen tile, then the hallway. A swish of the elevator door, and he was gone.
Her headache faded, like there was a hole in her head to let the pain release.
"Bordal i'et Shiraya." Padme muttered. "I think I got him out of the worst of it."
Rex whistled. "He's a doozy."
She sat heavily on the couch. She clasped her trembling hands. "He's certainly no party." She picked up her tablet from where she'd tossed it in the table, bringing up the many illegal pod racing leaderboards on Coruscant, and ordered a computer to track them for Anakin's usual racing names. "What did you do when he was like that during the war?"
Rex sat opposite her, leaning against his knees. "Not much. He'd hold it in. Be short with us. Hide in his tent. But when the next battle came…" he shrugged.
"Ah."
"You sure you don't want me to tail him?"
"There's very little in the galaxy that can harm Anakin." Padme said calmly. "And if he's arrested, the police know to call on the Jedi. We'll deal with that then."
"... right." Rex rubbed his head. "Alright then."
"Would you like to take the rest of the day off?" She said. "I won't be going anywhere."
"I dunno…"
"I want to talk with the children." She explained. "It's going to be- private."
His eyes sparked with understanding. He nodded. "Ah. Yeah. I'll get my stuff and go."
"Thank you."
They both rose. Padme walked down the hallway, towards Jafan, still crying. She spoke the moment she walked into their bedroom.
"Oh, hud'er li Tuvalian." Blessed little son. She crooned. "Ih li Tuva, wey bisar tu isha gal offer tu a valians a pan?" My little king, why do you cry when you have the world at your feet?
She scooped him up out of his crib and laid him against her chest. She closed her eyes and banished any hint of pain from herself, filling it only with the sweet love of her child.
"I love you." She whispered. "Sta i hulia no seri we cae'upon." Stars and moons cannot keep us apart.
Jafan wriggled in her arms, whining, but quieting. A moment later, he was only snuffling quickly. He rubbed his head against her shoulder, chubby cheeks red from crying.
"There we are. The world is right now, isn't it?" Padme kissed the top of his head.
Force sensitive children, she had learned, were as sensitive to emotions as they were to being hungry, or tired. It was why they kept the younglings close to the center of the temple, where they could be raised in the peace there. The best Padme could do was to be filled with love while she cared for her son.
If only it was so easy for the twins.
She rubbed Jafan's warm back, trailing her fingers in soothing circles.
Quickly she entered the hallway and stood outside Leia's room. She knocked on the door, tentatively.
"Leia? May I come in?"
"No." Leia spat.
"Alright." Padme leaned against the sleek, silver, doorframe. Senate worthy, she supposed. "I'm going to go get some crackers, candy. Drinks. If you'd like to come out, I want to tell you and Luke why your father acted the way he did today."
There was a pause.
"Why he hates the Jedi?"
"Yes." She smiled grimly. "Luke, are you in here too?"
"Yeah."
Shiraya, his voice sounded so hoarse.
"Is Shmi in there too?"
"Yeah." Luke said. "She's asleep."
"Good. I'll go get the food, okay?"
"Mommy?" Luke asked.
"Yes?"
"Can we have ice cream too?"
Padme smiled. "Yes, of course."
She hurried down the corridor. She passed the fancy dining room through the nearly hidden door into the kitchen.
It was a large kitchen. Shining and sleek, like everything here. It was meant for a team of cooks, cooking dinners for when she had invited over half the senate.
She'd never had cooks before, the most she'd ever done was to hire scores of serving droids for a fancy dinner. Sometimes, one of the handmaidens would volunteer to cook dinner for them. They'd pull out some special recipe from home and bake away. She still missed those nights. It was comforting, eating a meal that had been refined over generations by each handmaiden's family.
Or, sometimes, mostimes, they'd get Dex's. But he had enough grease in his food to make anything taste good.
She pulled out the ice cream to warm on the counter, and grabbed some bowls out of the cupboard.
She opened a bag of candy and poured it into the bowl. They were almost out of Leia's favorite cracker, but she took out what they had. She put everything on a tray, and set it against the hip not occupied with holding up a baby and wandered back into the living room.
Luke was on the couch, holding a slumbering Shmi. She was getting so big. Luke's hands could just barely pass each other as they wrapped around her chubby stomach.
Leia sat opposite them, her arms crossed tight against her chest, lip poked out.
Padme's heart ached, looking at her. She put so much pressure on herself, trying so hard to be old. It wasn't long ago that Padme had been like her. She'd felt ancient and wrung dry by twenty, wondering where her childhood had gone.
"Candy?" She asked, kneeling to set the tray on the table.
"No thank you." Leia muttered.
Luke perked up. "I want ice cream."
"Why don't you scoop some for yourself." Padme offered. "I'll put Shmi and Jafan to bed. Then we can begin."
Jafan took a little longer than usual to put to bed, probably the remnants of what he'd sensed earlier. Padme worried that she'd have to lure the twins back to the living room again. But when she got back, they were curled up on the couch together, hands clasped. They didn't even look sleepy, though it was only a few more hours until their bedtime.
Padme sat down and took a cracker. She hadn't eaten since breakfast. "I know it's not fun," she said, after swallowing, "in fact, it's very very hard, when your father does this."
Leia snorted.
Padme glanced down at her. "Some of this is my fault, too."
"Yeah. You made us move to Coruscant." Leia muttered. "And Daddy's hasn't had the time to get his support group. And you're gone all the time."
Padme winced. "Yes. That too. But also, this is partly my fault- because I chose Anakin to be your father."
Leia looked up at her, her good eye questioning.
"I could have chosen someone who wouldn't do this to be your father. But I didn't. I chose your father, and now we have all of your father."
Leia looked down at her hands. "Oh."
"Now that doesn't mean I think he's a bad father. I think he's a very good father, and I'm grateful every single day that he's here. But sometimes he acts out. It's not normal, and it's not okay. But there is a reason. And you deserve to know why"
Leia glanced over to her, her round cheeks stretched in a grim frown. She stared at Padme. She was quite the picture, with the bruised eye.
Padme sighed, and set her hands demurely in her lap. "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a boy named Anakin Skywalker. And he was born a slave."
Leia's good eye opened wide. Luke sat up and stared at her.
"A slave?"
"Enslaved." Padme corrected herself. "He was enslaved. By a terrible, terrible person."
So she continued. She left out the very worst parts, of course. She couldn't help but spin it as a bedtime story, almost. They were so young… but they were old enough to be truly affected by Anakin's outbursts. They were old enough to know why.
Perhaps she wove it that way for herself. It was soothing. She knew why Anakin was the way he was, of course. She'd lived some of it herself. But seeing it laid out plainly was a relief.
She expected the children to grow bored, after a time, but Leia's bright eyes never left Padme. Luke left once he finished his ice cream, but he returned with one of their dolls, and he spent the rest of the time busily working it into every braid he knew. He'd even ask questions, his young face so, so serious. Leia said nothing at all.
Ahsoka arrived at the apartment while Padme told them of the dreams Anakin had had of them. She crept in, grabbing a handful of candy as she passed.
"-your father was desperately afraid. He loved you both so, so much. He wanted so very much for you to be born, for me to survive. But the dreams said I would die. And he was afraid you two would die with me. That night, Palpatine invited him to the Opera House."
Ahsoka sat down on the floor, curling up against the wall. She tucked her knees against her chest and leaned her cheek against them, listening, eating the candy one by one.
For a moment, to Padme, she was a wiry young thing again, a little girl. Her heart ached, how could they have sent her to a war?
How could you lead your own troops into battle? She reminded herself.
The spell couldn't last long. Not now that Ashoka was as tall as Anakin, even without the montrals. Not with the well defined muscles on her arms, and certainly not with her montrals so long they curled on the floor.
"-Chancellor Palpatine invited your father to his office. Then he told Anakin he was the Sith Lord."
Luke gasped. "He was the Sith?"
Padme nodded.
"How did the Jedi not notice?"
She shrugged. "How did the senate not notice? How did I, who hadn't trusted him for a decade, not notice? These things always seem obvious in retrospect."
"He had the best shield I've ever seen." Ahsoka said abruptly. "I'd met him a few times. He disguised himself very well, in the force, and in the physical world."
The twins nodded in understanding. It explained a few things to Padme as well. Anakin didn't exactly like to ruminate about his time with Palpatine. The most he'd say was that he felt "like a normal man". Whatever that meant.
"Your father ran to the Jedi, to tell them. He met Mace Windu. Mace Windu told him to remain behind, and he brought three of the council's best members to arrest Palpatine, who he now knew to be Sidious.
"Well, Sidious turned out to be a very skilled duelist. He killed two of them in seconds, and the third only lasted a little longer. But Mace Windu held his ground, and fought back.
"I don't understand the way the Jedi fight, but I know Mace Windu had a special way of fighting. It is very effective against those in the dark side. Master Windu was probably one of the few they could fight him, and win. And he did."
Luke looked up from his braiding, eyes wide.
"He cornered Sidious against the window sill, and then your father walked in. And he-" Padme paused, her breath suddenly tight.
For a year and half, Anakin had refused to speak of what transpired on that night. For a year and half, she could only guess what he'd felt, what he'd thought.
It had been a peaceful night. He'd cooked them some bread his mother used to make, and they'd eaten it with cheese on the porch over the lake. The air cool on their skin. They knew, eventually, one of them would have to get up to put anything away, but neither of them had wanted to break the spell. So they'd sat there one slumbering twin apiece. The singing bugs had been croaking out a song, and the moon had glimmered over the lake. It had been a beautiful, perfect night. Then he'd grasped her hand and started talking. He hadn't stopped for an hour.
"He went. Some part of him wanted to kill Sidious. After all, he had orchestrated the whole war. He had killed millions in his schemes. He had lied to your father. But another part of him still loved Sidious. Hoped that, even if he'd lied about the Sith, everything else was true. That he loved your father in return. That he did, earnestly, want to help your father save me.
"He was also afraid that Mace Windu might kill him in combat. And then he would have no hope of saving us through the force. He had to know. Because Obi-Wan was gone, Ahsoka and Rex were away and, deep down, he knew that Sidious was truly evil, not a friend at all. The people he loved, the people that supported him, seemed to be all gone.
"Now." Padme continued, "While there was a chance they would die, Obi-Wan eventually would return, and so would Ahsoka and Rex. But he didn't know that, at the time. He was so afraid and confused, in his mind they were already dead. We were all he had left. So-" she drew in a deep breath. "-you can imagine how relieved he was when Mace Windu had disarmed Sidious and had him cornered. Mace Windu would never kill an unarmed opponent, he knew. He would have his chance to learn how to save us. And for a moment, he was so proud, so happy of the Jedi law. For Mace Windu to be a better man than him, to follow it so closely."
Padme swallowed her dry throat. "And so his despair was increased tenfold when Mace Windu cut off Sidious' head."
"He broke the rules?" Leia spat out.
"He made the decision he believed to be correct." Padme said. "Sidious had fooled the Jedi, the Senate, the galaxy for decades. It had taken fifteen years of work to find out he even existed. Even now, we cannot find any evidence of him being Sidious, aside from Mace Windu and your father's word. He would have fooled the senate again, the courts, the galaxy. And he would have continued in his plans."
"Which were what? Leia demanded. "What was he going to do? Was it really so horrible?"
Padme held out an arm, and she scooched forward against her. She ran her finger over her back, rubbing in smooth circles.
"What do we know he did already?"
Leia looked down, her fingers twitched in her lap. She reached out and grabbed a small handful of candy and ate some, thinking. "He wanted to rule the galaxy." She concluded. "He was already in charge of both sides, so he would win no matter who won. And he made them fight as hard as they could, so they would be weak, and willing to give up power to him to fix everything. Which he was already doing with the Senate."
Padme kissed the top of her head. For some reason, it was a little damp. Had she washed her hair? "Very good. Probably he had more planned. Remember the chips in the clone's minds? That came out only a few months after the war ended."
Leia nodded.
"We have our suspicions that Sidious had them put in. Order 66 of those chips was to kill your general. Which was almost always-"
"The Jedi." Luke interrupted, he stood up. "Cause the Jedi would stop him from taking over."
"Correct." Padme said. "And so, Mace Windu decided to kill him. And he did. And your father was in so much pain he broke. Mace Windu took him to the healer's hall in the Jedi temple. He was ripping everything apart in the force without even trying. He destroyed half the hall. He nearly killed two healers and six patients. So they had to give him drugs to cut off his connection to the force. Your father is very strong in the force, so they needed quite a lot. They made his mind even more muddled, and him more and more afraid. But it allowed the healers to restrain him. They put him in a room they have for- for people who are so sick in their minds they can't comprehend anything. He threw up constantly, and he couldn't keep any food down."
Leia twitched at that.
"For three days, they kept him there. And your father suffered." Padme's throat choked, and she closed her burning eyes.
Those were the worst days of Anakin's life. He hadn't been aware enough to know what was happening. He'd said, later, that he'd thought he was dead. Or, at least, that some entity, the force, the Father, some God, and killed everything and left him alone to suffer as punishment.
"But then, I went into labor. I went into the hospital, and five hours later, you two were born."
"And nothing bad happened?" Luke said.
Padme shook her head. "Nothing at all. It was a typical, smooth, birth. I was worried for your father, of course. But it went well.
"Over the next few weeks, the healers weaned Anakin off the drugs, giving him less and less. He became more and more aware of what was happening. Two weeks after Sidious died, they allowed him to see me. I had been trying to see him since the beginning. My visit helped him some, I think."
He'd started talking, at least, started eating properly.
"A few days after that, the healers allowed him to see you two." Padme hugged Leia. "He took you both in his arms, and he cried, and cried and cried. But he improved rapidly after that. Within a month, he was his old self. The healers released him a week after that. I spent another month here, helping wrap up the senate after Sidious had died. And then we moved to Naboo."
The twins stared at her. Luke hugged the doll close to his chest.
"What happened to Mace Windu?" Leia demanded.
"He had killed the Chancellor. And no one found any evidence of him being Sidious. And your father was in no state to say what he knew. So Mace Windu went to prison."
"...and?"
"Nothing. He's still in prison for high treason." Padme said. "The Jedi believed him, but he refused any help from them to get him out. I know, because I also believed Mace Windu, and because your father told me, later. And my friends know. But everyone else thinks that Mace Windu killed the Chancellor just as we ended the war."
Leia frowned. "Well, why doesn't he testify now?"
"It may not make a difference." Padme explained. "Two people's word against the evidence Sidious carefully made. Besides, with all your father had done, the court would probably declare him insane, and an unreliable narrator. And he would have to relive all those awful things. He doesn't want to do it again. There are people who loved Palpatine, and they would hate your father, and they would hate our family too. The whole galaxy would be looking at us. It would bring a lot of pain, for all of us. He decided it wasn't worth it."
Leia nodded slowly, though Padme had the feeling she wasn't quite convinced.
"Now, I know that it's not easy, to have Anakin as your father. But what I do know, is that he will never, ever stop trying to be better. To be the best father he can be," she raised her voice, meeting Ahsoka's eyes, "for all of you. Now, that doesn't mean he won't make mistakes. And today was a mistake. But he will be better."
"Did he used to be worse?" Luke asked.
Padme nodded. "After he was released from the healer's hall, I thought he had healed, rather stupidly," she admitted, "after he held you. I hoped he was better, more like. But after Ahsoka left to join the Jedi again, all his pain came back."
"But why was it worse?"
Padme grimaced. "What happened today? That used to happen every week."
"Every week?" Ahsoka interrupted. She looked at Padme incredulously. "Every week?"
"Sometimes more." Padme murmured. Ahsoka'd missed the worst of it. She'd been too embarrassed to do more than call for a year or so. And by the time she'd started visiting Anakin was too overjoyed to be explosive.
"But he- he's not. Kriff." Ahsoka's head slumped against the wall, staring up at the ceiling. "Wow."
"We tried a mind healer." Padme said. "That didn't work very well."
It had been a minor disaster.
The healer's office wasn't small, but Anakin always had been trying to shrink into himself. Hunching over his bouncing legs. Arms tucked under his chest. Trying to become that little slave from Tatooine again that was easily overlooked.
But the Mind Healer hadn't let him. And Anakin hated it. He never said anything, but Padme knew he did. He hated being stuck in that office, being asked questions he didn't want to answer and being asked to think about things he didn't want to think about.
He stayed quiet during the meetings, but there were many, many explosions at home. Or he would take one of the speeders and disappear for days at a time. She never worried too much. Usually she could check the leaderboard of the pod races on the nearest planet and there he would be.
The Mind Healer tried, he really did, and Anakin… went. He definitely went. But that was about all he did.
Four months after they began, the mind healer quietly told Padme he didn't think he could help Anakin.
It didn't occur to Padme until afterwards that Anakin had had these kinds of meetings before. Sidious had also met with him at least once a week. Sitting at a desk and listening patiently while Anakin would spill all his troubles. She'd felt so stupid.
"Rex was the one that suggested group therapy. That was better." Padme continued. "Naboo is close to Tatooine, so we have a significant population of self-freed people. There were some of them, there and they understood your father's childhood, and there were many of the Five oh First there, and they understood your father during the war. And, of course, there was Rex. Who just understands your father in general. He started taking medication- he's read a hundred books on healing and trauma."
She'd never have pegged her husband a reader, and he wasn't, but he was too intelligent to ignore the knowledge written word held, and too stubborn to let his own weakness stopping him from having it.
"I took some classes too, on trauma. To help me- understand."
That had stung. A lot. She'd always prided herself on being empathetic. It was natural to her. And yet, Anakin had needed something she hadn't known how to give. She was still learning. "And we worked at it, and he worked on himself. And then it was every month, and then every few months." Padme nodded towards the hallway. "The last time he blew up this badly was before Shmi was born, and then he started building the house with Grandpa."
Ruwee Naberrie was a quiet man. Padme would always remember him as the father who had listened to a child speak of politics for hours and hours on end. And while he and Anakin had built the house together, Anakin had talked, talked, talked. It wasn't what had healed Anakin. But it had helped him realize that he was healing, as he went to group therapy, as he began to take medication. It helped him understand what had happened, was happening, to him.
"He didn't do it again, after that. Not until today."
"Will it be the last time?" Luke asked.
"I don't know. Probably not." Padme admitted. "I hope so."
Luke crawled into her lap, curling up against her chest. "I hope so too."
They sat there for a while, enjoying each other's presence. Padme rubbed both their backs. Leia took Luke's hand again. Their heads curled towards one another, and Padme knew they were speaking, even if she couldn't hear it.
She wondered if Shmi would be able to talk to them like they did with one another. Or if this kind of closeness in the force was only for twins.
Ahsoka had closed her eyes, but her face was tight in thought. She turned her face into her arms.
When the twin relaxed, and she knew they were done, she spoke.
"Do you have any questions?"
"Not now." Leia whispered. "I want to think, first."
"Luke?"
Luke nodded. "Me too."
"Alright."
Padme ordered Dex's, for supper. They ate quietly, around the kitchen table. While Padme left to feed, change, and put Jafan to bed again, the twins slipped away to brush their teeth by themselves, and had curled up together under Leia's covers.
It worried her mother, how much the twins wanted to sleep with each other. She thought they were too dependent on each other, that they should act more like siblings, not twins. But Padme had decided long ago that while she would encourage them to sleep apart, she would never punish them for wanting to be together.
She checked her tablet and saw that nothing had come up from the computer's searching. So she expanded the names pool it searched from a bit, and started reading over Sabe's notes from the meetings. Ahsoka sat in the kitchen table. Padme glanced at her, once in a while. She seemed to have found an unusual amount of interest in their greasy paper bowls.
"Everything alright?
She shifted in her seat. "He didn't tell me any of that." She said, quiet.
Padme set down her tablet. "I'd wondered."
"I mean- I knew about Mace Windu, and that he was at the healers for a while. But I didn't know… that." Ahsoka clenched her fists under the table, squeezing her eyes shut. "I never knew- he never told me. About the dreams, or how he felt." She slumped. "Or how he got better."
"He probably felt like he was protecting you. He wanted you to feel like you could come to him."
Ahsoka grimaced. She reached across the table and picked up the empty container and threw it behind her. Without even a single glance from her, it sailed straight into the trash can. Padme doubted she'd even used the force to move it. Her instincts, so woven with the force she was never without it, were just that good.
"Do you ever regret marrying him?" Ahsoka asked.
Padme pursed her lips, closing her eyes. You'd think she'd have this one figured out, with all the years she'd had with Anakin. They'd been through so much together. They said going through trials made a couple stronger, but all it ever seemed to do was make the moments of peace, the stillness in between the trials more precious, because neither of them could guarantee anything during times of strife.
There were times when she wished she'd turned down that almost handsome Padawan. That she'd chosen someone sensible, someone she could depend on no matter what. Someone she didn't have to hide, or wait for months to kiss again, or be afraid of them flying into a rage in a disaster, instead of focusing on the problem.
But there was no one in that galaxy who could make life so sweet. No one who loved so strongly they'd push through anything to be with her on the other side. No one who would work so hard with her to create the life they both wanted.
Perhaps they were right. Because even though it was the peaceful moments that Padme cherished, she stayed with Anakin because she knew he would never, never, stop pushing for them. And neither would she.
"No." She said. "No, I don't regret it. But I do wish it could have been under better circumstances."
Ahsoka slumped. "I don't think I regret it either- fighting so hard to be his Padawan. But I wish- I wish he'd- I don't know. She buried her face in her hands. "All he wants is for me to live here. His little Snips, forever. I- I can't-"
"I've been trying to help him understand that you're grown. That he's not in charge of you anymore." Padme assured her.
Ahsoka jumped to her feet. Her hands flew up. "But that's not it. That's not- I can't- I mean- I mind it when he expects me to tell him everything. Or to barely even ask before expecting me to help out here. But-" she shook her head. "Shavit. I don't know. I- I-"
She paced into the living room, crossing her arms over her chest. Padme watched her go back and forth, silent.
"It's just- I know I'm wrong. I know I should rest. That I'll hurt myself. I am hurting myself. But I- I can't stand it- in the temple. It's- quiet. Too quiet. I can't sleep. I can't relax. So I go out in the city, and that helps. But then I see all the problems- attacks against non-humans are at an all time high. So I fight back, until I can't think, and I think I can rest. So I go to the temple again, but it's still-" Ahsoka rubbed her head.
"They say I'm the Sith capturer. That I defeated Darth Maul. They all say I'm so strong- but they didn't see him. He was so scared, it was clouding his judgment. He said Anakin was the key. That something was coming. Something is coming. And I don't feel strong, I'm just tired of waiting. I thought, at first- cause- you know, Anakin and Obi-Wan, they could take down anything, together. So Anakin and I- we could take it, whatever's coming. But he still acts like I'm fourteen, like I can't take care of myself. He wants me to settle down- he doesn't see it. But he's the key- if he's not- if we're not ready. But he's not- no one is. No one sees it. But no one saw it- last time. He was right under our noses. And I have to do it- but I'm not- I'm not strong. I'm not what anyone thinks- I'm just-"
She stopped her pacing, squeezing her eyes shut. "-broken." She whispered.
Padme had stood during this speech. When Ahsoka didn't go on, she rushed forward and enveloped her in a hug. Ahsoka bent over Padme and crushed her in her strong arms.
"Oh Duvalian." She whispered. Oh beloved daughter. You are safe. We are safe. The war is over. There is nothing coming."
"I know." Ahsoka said. Her voice was muffled. "Grandmaster Shaak Ti- she says- she says I'm unbalanced. That I learned how to be balanced during a war, and now I have to learn how to be balanced without one." She sniffed. "She says I need to start over at the beginning. So she suggested- I asked- to go to my home world. She's been teaching me the language- she contacted my parents." She squeezed Padme tighter. "I'm leaving in three months."
Padme froze. They pulled apart, slowly. She stared up at Ahsoka's ashamed face.
For a moment, jealousy bubbled in Padme's stomach, and she understood Anakin for a moment. How much he wants to be enough for her, all she needs. But the more people there are to support Ahsoka, the better.
"I think that sounds like a wonderful idea." She said. "How long will you be gone?"
Ahsoka shrugged. "A year. At least." She bit her lip, her sharp teeth poking out. "I- I'm not sure if- my parents are expecting me- but Master's already so stressed- he doesn't need this too-"
"Let Anakin worry about Anakin." Padme said firmly, taking her hands. She squeezed. "You do what you think is best. He's managed this much. I'll help him. Rex will help him. We'll be fine."
Ahsoka nodded slowly. "Kay." She rubbed her eyes, pushing away a few leaking tears. She sighed, and crossed her arms again. "I didn't mean to- to kidnap Ahsoka or something. Really. It was- stupid. I wasn't thinking. I just hoped that- even if I couldn't find peace in the temple- Leia could."
Padme nodded. "Thank you for telling me. But-" she set a hand on Ahsoka's arm. "In future, when you take the children somewhere, please let one of us know directly. Especially if you're leaving the building."
She nodded. "Sure. I can do that." She looked down. She drew a deep, full breath. She spoke quickly, trying to get it out as fast as possible. "When Anakin walked into the temple. I just- I thought it had come. The horrible- what I'd been waiting for. When I felt- him. And then I realized it was him. It was just him. But Maul said he was the key- but I'd always thought that when the time came, we'd face it together. But it was him and I just-" she pressed her hands to her face and groaned. "I just snapped. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Padme rubbed her arm. "I know." She said. "I know you are. But I'm not the one that needs to hear this."
Ahsoka bit her lip, her eyes shining. She nodded her head quickly. Her shoulders shook, and Padme melted.
"Oh Dulvalian..."
Ahsoka broke down into huge, heaving sobs. Padme drew her back to the couch. Ahsoka curled up against her, and Padme rubbed her back and crooned an old lullaby on Naboo.
"Sweet daughter,
Beloved daughter,
Grows tall.
Winter comes,
Drives in the water,
Freezes the water,
Breaks apart the daughter.
Still, she grows, tall, broken, and strong."
For a time, Padme is a Senator, desperately hiding a relationship with a Jedi, yet falling ever more in love with his Padawan, and Ahsoka is fifteen, all bones, skin and elbows, too afraid to admit she's frightened, yet lapping up comfort when it is given.
And Anakin is gone, like he always was, during the war. Always busy, always working. Always angry, and venting it on something.
She sings on, wishing he'd come home, no matter the state he's in.
"Sweet daughter,
Beloved daughter,
Tall, broken and strong."
Cooo wee! The secret. Is. Out! Mace Windu took one look at the heaping pile of sentient evil that makes up Sidious and decided to kill him right then and there. I hope Ahsoka's rant was legible enough. I wanted it to be very random and sporadic, because that's how she was feeling, but it also has an audience of, um, you, that need to understand what she's going through. So. Tough balance.