A/N.
Alright… that took a bit longer than I expected…
Now about this chapter… unfortunately, I had to go in a different direction than I previously intended. I meant for this chapter to be in Splinter's POV, and this chapter has been in the works for five years now, but it's simply impossible to write from his point of view. I said to myself, 'This is ridiculous! No matter what I try, I simply can't get into his head!'... Funnily enough, these exact words ended up being my inspiration for how this chapter was going to work.
As for the sudden lack of writer's block… my beautiful dog Luna, one of the namesakes of my username, was put down after a shoulder injury on November 4th, 2022. I channeled my grief into finishing this chapter, and I will be dedicating it to her. She lived a wonderful, loving long life of twelve years, and I am beyond heartbroken, but happy she is no longer in pain. I hope I will be able to heal.
So now, the chapter will be switching back to Donnie's POV (this story definitely needs more of his perspective, here's to hoping this will be a step in that direction), and he's got a very un-typical task in this chapter… It will be emotional. I've never purposely tried to tug at the heartstrings like this before, so I'm not sure how effective it will be… but it's deep.
I say we take a look at how deep exactly we can go.
See you guys at the end of this chapter, and once you're done, leave a review, favorite, follow, and as always…
Enjoy!
Chapter Fourteen.
Otosan, Part One.
(Donnie's POV).
If there's one thing that I absolutely can't stand, it's waking up somewhere where you know you're not supposed to be, and (more importantly), not remembering how you got there in the first place.
"How?!... I… what the?..." I was unable to mask my surprise as I forced my eyes open.
My surroundings were stranger than anything I had seen before in my life. Towering over me was a vast dome-like sky, painted in hues of black and purple and blue, and awash with orange galaxies and red stars. The whole thing was massive, and it seemed that the further I gazed upward, the longer it went. I could see more and more continuing onward. It was absolutely dazzling to behold, and as I shook away the dregs of sleepiness, I willed myself to investigate further.
My investigation was fruitful with an interesting finding. Upon inspection, I realized the ground beneath me didn't seem very… solid. The surface seemed to comprise a frothy, misty textured cloud, that felt soft and filmy to the touch. Comfortable. It shouldn't have been able to hold me up, based on the material, but it still supported me, even making a nice little malleable divot for my body to sink into.
The whole situation struck me as odd. I had no idea where I was, how I got there, and how to get out, but it still took me a few minutes to get up. I was still in a sort of stupor, unable to believe my eyes as the beautiful sky swirled above me. Watching it had a sort of calming effect, like all of my stress had melted away.
I shouldn't be feeling so secure in an unfamiliar environment. Unwillingly, I propped myself up onto my elbows, and then my… hands?!
No way.
I brought them closer to my face. Surely, they couldn't be real. I turned them over, flexed my fingers, made fists, everything. Each one followed my command. They were my real, green hands. So if they were there, did that mean?…
I looked down, and let out a startled gasp. It was my body. My real body, all there, in one piece, as if I had never made contact with the mutagen! Plastron, arms, legs, everything was intact, nothing was out of place. I brought my hands up to my head, feeling it's normal shape once again, almost revealing in the feeling of just being normal again. I felt like myself for the first time in over a month.
"How is this possible?!" I asked myself, but I couldn't help but smile. Somehow, some sort of miracle had happened when I drifted off to sleep. Had Tina's donation worked that well? Or had something else done this?
I wasn't sure. And none of that explained what I was doing here… wherever I was. I couldn't think of anything else it could be… unless…
NO!
I suddenly began to hyperventilate, my joy turning to horror as an unbidden thought suddenly struck. No, no way. I've been doing so much better, I couldn't have!-
Frantically, I brought my fingers to my throat, searching desperately for a sign that I was wrong. I had to be, I wasn't ready… please, this can't be it…
And then there it was.
My pulse, steady, strong, and beating like a drum after my scare.
I almost cried with relief. I was still alive. So that was ruled out… and I would not be considering it again. But where in the world had I turned up? And why would I suddenly be back to normal here? Racking my brain for several minutes came up empty. The isolation of the area was starting to get to me, and I felt frustrated. I couldn't contact anyone for help, and there was no one here to guide me. What could I do?
A sudden shifting sound behind me caught my attention. Turning sharply, a structure was materializing from the mist, rising from the surface of the ground, until it towered over me. It looked to me like a torri, large and beckoning, asking me to pass through.
The Astral Plane.
Everything made sense all at once. I had been summoned to the Spirit Realm in my sleep, but physically, I was still at the mansion in the woods, fast asleep. I was seeing myself in the form I knew was my own. When I open my eyes again, I will once more be thrust from my familiar frame, and into the one that kept me stuck.
But I couldn't worry about that right now. Someone needs me here.
I think I know who that someone is.
I rose from my spot on my knees, and cautiously passed under the gate. Stone steps awaited me, as was tradition, and I made my way through the shrine grounds that followed, not questioning why it was here, only knowing that I must be absolutely respectful while within this place.
Each step I took was smoother, slower. I glided along the path at an even pace, only stopping to purify my hands before advancing further. Sakura surrounded the entire area, bursting with colorful blossoms despite the fact that it was winter, and they weren't the only flowers in view either. All over, in different places across the grounds, was the floral emblem of the Hamato Clan.
It was as if I could feel I wasn't alone. I may not have been in my natural world, but this place was sacred to my family. How many of my ancestors have traveled here and back? How many spirits reside here? If any of my departed clan members were here, I couldn't see them. At the present moment, they were choosing to be invisible to my living eyes, but they were all around me.
I wasn't afraid.
They were here to strengthen me.
My father had told me of many relatives he had grown up with, but none so often as my grandparents, neither of whom lived to see my birth. I wish I could have been able to meet them, but I guess it was never meant to be.
My thoughts drifted to everything I knew about them.
First came the stories that had come from my terrifying legend of a grandfather, Hamato Yuuta. Leading the war against the Foot Clan, in victory after victory, he was considered a hero and savior of our family. He was the one who laid waste to the Foot Clan Headquarters so long ago, leading the fabled siege that wiped out the opposing clan for almost thirty five years.
Always at his right hand was my equally powerful grandmother, Hamato Atsuko. Not every member of the Hamato Clan was actually a member of the Hamato family, and she was born to one of those families whose ancestors had been accepted into the clan from the outside world. She grew up knowing Yuuta, and was known to be a mischievous, but masterful kunoichi, and the only one to be able to beat him at sparring.
It was also well known that she had an excellent knowledge of pyrotechnics.
No, I don't know why.
They single-handedly tore their enemies to the ground, triumphantly bringing what seemed to be the end to a malicious empire that threatened everything they held dear. Yet, when they found the orphaned Oroku Saki among the wreckage, they couldn't stand the thought of leaving the baby alone, and took him in. In a way, they accidentally assured the Hamato Clan's downfall as well, but I couldn't find it in my heart to blame either. They did what was right. It was Saki who chose such a hateful path.
When my father was a young boy, Grandfather spent his days running the clan's operations full-time, often being incredibly busy protecting his family, but he wouldn't hesitate to drop everything and look for rabbits in the woods with his sons at their request. Gram Gram (a name lovingly chosen by Mikey that brought tears to Splinter's eyes the first time he heard it used) was an excellent swordswoman, and taught her sons everything she knew. Her most humorous stories came from anytime she attempted to cook, which was a skill she never possessed. More than likely, she would burn whatever she was supposed to be making… Well, now we know where Leo gets it.
Everytime Sensei would talk to us about these wonderful people who we never knew, I would still feel as if I did know them.
It sounded like a lot of Splinter's parenting came from them.
Alas, everything ended far too soon. Gram Gram was diagnosed with brain cancer when my father was nine, and Saki was eight. They treated it as quickly as possible, but were unable to save her in the end, and she was gone in October of 1971. Both they and their father were devastated, and my father says that this was when the first seeds of rage began to show in his brother. He had quite a few too.
Grandfather kept going, raising his boys to adulthood and being involved in their lives more often to make up for the absence of their beloved mother. It often wasn't enough, but they pretended it was. It wasn't until my father was in his early to mid thirties that Grandfather began to show signs of illness. He already had lung cancer at the time of his death, and was very frail (albeit still stubborn) because of it, but when Saki burned their home, he didn't stand a chance against the smoke.
The last thing Splinter did before leaving Japan was making sure that Grandfather and Shen had proper burials. I'll be willing to bet that that was better than what most of the other clan members got in the massacre that followed. They were hunted down over the next few weeks, and Sensei is pretty sure that if anyone survived, they probably went into hiding so secure that they will more than likely never surface again.
So are they the ones who surround me? I can't be sure. But knowing I had family on my side helped tremendously. I continued to walk until I reached the honden, making my way in with determination. And my suspicions were confirmed once I had reached the last step.
There, kneeling in the center of the room, back turned to the door and deep in meditation, was my father.
My eyes instantly stung and welled with tears at the sight. I missed him. I missed him so much it hurt. Feeling the dam about to burst, I rushed to his side and threw my arms around him without hesitation. Once I did, I wept freely, begging to ramble.
"Otosan… Otosan, sore wa watashidesu! It's me papa! I'm here! I miss you… I love you… "
Panic began to rise inside of me when I received no response. I glanced up through the tears, but he had not responded. He simply stayed in his trance, unable to hear me or answer. Unreasonable desperation rose inside of me, and I began to cry harder when I realized he more than likely had no idea I was there. I felt like I was going to pass out. I rose back to my feet, seized his arm and tugged on it like a small child, becoming more hysterical as I attempted to get his attention.
"Please, papa, please wake up! It's me, I'm here, you have to get up! Shiraberu, Onegaishimasu! Open your eyes!... I… I need you…"
But all my efforts were in vain. He remained locked in his position, eyes held shut by some unknown force, deafened to my pleas. I stepped backwards a few paces, attempting to calm my racing heart and wiping away my tears. How was I going to get through to him?! He showed absolutely no signs of waking, and no matter how hard I had grabbed him, no matter how loud my anguish, he simply wasn't responsive.
This wasn't good. There had to be something I could do.
Maybe there was some way I could tap into his head? Things work differently in the Astral Plane, so maybe it could mold to my needs, offer some kind of aid. I decided I would try it and go from there. Trouble is, I didn't exactly know how. Maybe I wasn't doing it right… wait a minute…
A sudden thought struck me and I groaned in exasperation. Of course. There was only one way I was getting in. Why didn't I think of it sooner?!
I moved slightly to his right, sat down on the ground, and got into a meditative position. It would be selfish to call this predicament annoying, just because I wasn't as big of a fan of meditation. I'd say it was more… irritating. Still, if this was the way I was going to get to him, I would try my hardest. Leo was able to take on hours of meditation if he had the chance to.
If Leo could do it, so could I.
It took a harder time for me to fall into a trance than some of my siblings. Leo was the master at it, and his endurance for the activity was incredible, sometimes borderline devotion. Mikey was also pretty good… when he didn't manage to make himself fall asleep. Raph struggles with his frustration when it doesn't work right away. He's more of the kind of guy who would say "the faster I get this done, the faster I can start sparring."
And me? I just don't like the idea of clearing my mind. Giving my brain something to do was what kept it going, period.
Eventually though, I did begin to slip. I found myself drifting, quietly. It had been some time since I had meditated, and coming back after a break felt nice. How long has Sensei been here? I hope he wasn't spending all his time here, that couldn't be healthy…
…"ow"…
Was that?...
…"Ack!"... sorry…
Leo?!
Like hitting a switch, I was suddenly somewhere different. I recognized that area though. The massive floodlights, the shelves and beakers, the desk and monitor I spent so much of my time at… it was my beloved lab.
And sitting at my desk, my family.
Sensei was preparing a small bandage, taking no more than three to four inches. On the desk was a roll of paper towels and some rubbing alcohol, and I noticed uneasily that one used sheet had a few blots of red on it. He was entirely focused on his task, but I could see the concern in his eyes.
What's going on?
What are they doing here?
Shouldn't they be at the farmhouse?
Confused, I glanced at my brothers. Raph was leaning against the back wall with his arms crossed, as per usual, but the expression on his face was different. It was certainly a version of his usual scowl, but it was also leaning towards more of a worried grimace. He didn't make that face very often. Mikey's expression from the opposite side of the desk was also alien. He seemed downcast, completely silent and gazing more at the floor than anything else, but also glancing up to watch what Sensei was doing.
Finally, Leo sat in the chair I usually occupied, holding completely still. He seemed to be deep in thought, not even paying attention as our father was about to place the bandage on his cheek, which sported a thin, straight red line that looked like it had just been cleaned.
With a sharp intake of breath, I suddenly recognized the cut. This wasn't happening in real time, this was a memory!
… This was not a good memory.
Now I know when this happened. This was the day after I had been forced to freeze Timothy. Even now, just to double check, I glanced behind them where he usually sat, and there he was, now nothing more than the world's biggest ice-cube. I hadn't been here for this. I had been shutting myself in my father's room, not wanting to see or speak to anyone.
I had wondered what this conversation had looked like. Leo filled me in on bits and pieces, but not much.
Speaking of Leo, it was just as Sensei was finished placing the bandage that he spoke. "Sensei… maybe this just isn't a good idea."
Splinter looked puzzled. "Whatever do you mean, Leonardo?"
Leo looked lost for words. "This lesson… I mean… uhhh… well, the point is…"
"Leonardo," Splinter stated in a calm voice, "I know you are concerned about something. There is no shame in telling what the problem is."
"T-That's the thing," Leo said, looking down at his feet. "I don't wish any disrespect, none at all! But… I don't think this lesson was a good idea."
Even with my current out of the body experience, I did a double take, utterly shocked by the words that had just come out of Leo's mouth. Raph and Mikey also had wide eyes and open mouths, mirroring my surprise. Had Leo actually just criticized one of Sensei's lessons in front of him?! That was Raph's department!
Despite this, Sensei did not look too fazed. As a matter of fact, he only looked slightly puzzled. "And why is that, my son?" he queried.
I wondered what Leo was going to say next. It was a true statement, we all knew it. But if Leo was ready to admit it, then it was serious. Three times we had tried this; three times we had failed.
"Do you remember the first time we tried switching weapons?" Leo asked. "When we were twelve?"
I certainly did. It was Mikey and I that had hatched that plot, switching each other's weapons for once. Naturally, Leo and Raph wanted to give it a try too, so Sensei let them. Then we wanted to see how it would play out in a sparring match… honestly, it didn't play out much at all. Raph ended up with a slice on his finger, Leo had jabbed himself in the shoulder, and I managed to hit myself smack dab in between the eyes.
But Mikey got the worst of it. My (then much smaller) naginata ended up sticking straight out of his calf when he fumbled with it, and after three horrifying seconds of watching him begin to scream bloody murder, I toppled backwards, out cold.
Needless to say, we weren't trying that again in a hurry.
"Yes, my son. I do recall that it was quite the disaster." Splinter said, probably remembering the dramatic scene as they spoke.
"I know we initially said we'd never try it again, but then when the Foot Clan began to take a hit, you decided to try it again. And we get it, you didn't want us getting big heads because the Foot was sending out easier soldiers all of a sudden, but I think it went a bit too far when you tried to send us into battle with different weapons… and then no weapons…" Leo explained, blushing and glancing at the floor.
"You are right, Leonardo. I'll admit, my actions that night were a bit hasty. I wasn't stepping back to see the bigger picture. I was simply caught up in my own morals." Splinter explained.
He frowned. "The moment you brought Timothy back to the lair, I saw that my decision was a mistake. There was no need for an innocent boy to be mutated, especially in such a violent manner… but I fear just as much damage was done to Donatello that night."
I certainly felt damaged. That night had been the first time ever that I had openly disrespected Splinter, to his face nonetheless. It was ruthless, clean-cut, and it stung. Vividly, I thought back to what I had said as I lifted my head to face my father, just moments after promising Timothy I would find a cure.
"You are never allowed to take my staff from me when I need it again! It could have saved him!"
"I agree, Sensei. I remember asking you not to take away our weapons again, and you agreeing to my request, but there's something else that I never addressed. To be honest, it kind of got buried… Donnie said that you told him that the Pulverizer was his responsibility. Is this true?"
Now they were getting to the point. I watched Splinter take in Leo's words, ponder them for a moment, and then nod. "Yes. I told Donatello that if he decided to train him, he was responsible."
Then he got it. His eyes bugged as he realized the magnitude of his words.
Leo sighed, knowing he had made his point. "That's the point, Sensei. Donnie stopped training him after the first night, when we lost the powercell. Then he showed up in the Foot, and Donnie kept trying to convince us that we had to get him out of there… That's where I had my fault in this mess. I took advantage of the fact that we had someone inside the Foot headquarters and could feed us information. I didn't listen to Donnie, and I feel like that was a big contribution to his fate that night."
For a moment, he stopped to take a breath. Then, his face hardened. Whatever he was about to say, it was going to be difficult.
"But, about Donnie… Sensei, I can't even imagine how he must be feeling right now. The training may have stopped, but his sense that he was still responsible didn't. If he was told what he was, then he must think the mutation lies on his own shoulders… he must think he's a failure…"
Well, he was partially right. His words summed up what had been going through my head. But there was another piece to the puzzle, one that Leo hadn't taken into consideration yet, but Sensei had.
"You are right, Leonardo… but that is not everything…"
All three of my brothers looked confused. "What's the matter, Sensei?" asked Mikey.
"Your brother has been blaming himself this whole time… but he has also been blaming me."
Splinter's ear dropped low as he came to the correct conclusion, and I had to look away. The guilt on my father's face… I must have had an identical one.
I will admit… it was true, I was angry at both myself, and my father. After Timothy's mutation, I had indeed started a little rebellious phase, one that I never even dreamed of attempting before. Sure, Splinter and I didn't always see eye to eye, but this was the first time that I had ever purposely tried to act out against his authority. I pushed being late for training, stopped showing up for meals, and actively rejected his company. It was slow at first, small steps into a pact of disobedience, but another blow to my very fragile mental health pushed me to take further action.
It was the mutation of April's father, and her decision to cut us out of her life, that drove me over the edge. Now, I pushed away my brothers as well, angered that I had been the only one to think of the possibility that the Kraang could resurface, but was unable to convince my brothers. Even Leo didn't listen.
I was desperate to find a cure for everyone who had been mutated. I wasn't eating, or sleeping, but I kept going with the same routine. Stay in the lab, and make it known that I didn't want to be seen. The real problem with this was that I knew I was making myself sick, and not taking care of myself the way I should have been. I've been known to have low blood pressure all my life, and fainting spells were common since I was six. I'm pretty sure I have Vasovagal Syncope, but we have no way to get an official diagnosis. All of this stress and sadness I was feeling, on top of the dangerous mutagen tracking missions, was in no way healthy, but I didn't want anyone's help. I wanted them to see that I was hurt.
Once, among all of this madness, I had even attempted vocal disrespect. When our home had been invaded by those Squirrelanoids created in the mutagen spill, and we had opted to send Metalhead after them when none of us had wanted to, we had been watching the footage of his (soon to be unsuccessful) progress, when I backhandedly decided to comment on my own idea.
"Master Splinter… I feel like there's some kind of lesson here… kind of like 'brains over bravery', or… something like that?"
Never, in my life, had I ever tried to speak to my father in such a disgusting tone, and yet I did. I had done it, staked my claim, and I'm pretty sure I got the message across. Yes, the blame for what happened to Timothy landed squarely on my shoulders. But I thought Sensei had, in a way, contributed too, by taking away the weapon I needed to save my friend.
Now, watching this conversation replay in my father's memory, I was flinching at my own behavior. How had I turned into such a brat? Despite my attempt to rebel, I knew I couldn't keep it up forever. No matter how angry I was, it wasn't in my nature. But I buried that even deeper. In retrospect, I should have found that alarming, and tried to seek help instead of pettily misbehaving, but my wounded heart had gotten in the way.
And then… the night before this very conversation… when Timothy had escaped, when I froze him, Casey's appearance… April…
It had finally become too much.
"I think you should talk to him, Sensei," Leo said. "He's in pain, and he needs someone who can help him work through everything he's feeling right now."
"I understand, my son. I will speak with him about the events that have transpired, and I hope we will be able to come to an understanding." He straightened up and made to leave, but turned around quickly to address them one more time. "And, if it is what the four of you wish, I will not push the weapon-switching lesson any longer."
Leo's eyes widened, and he shook his head. "No, Sensei, that's not what I meant. I feel like it's a good lesson, just not the right execution. We all want to experiment with different weapons… but we want to do it in our own time. One on one. We need more time to practice and get better before we're even ready to try again, and then finding another weapon that can perform to the levels that our chosen ones can, it will take a while."
He smiled. "I think when Donnie's ready though, he should keep it up with the katana. He totally wiped the floor with me in the dojo… and I know he never meant to hurt me."
My heart stopped for a moment, and then I felt myself blush. Partially because of the compliment, and partially feeling guilt ebb painfully in my chest.
Sensei looked proud. "Very well. We will pick up again whenever any of you say you are ready. I will go speak to Donatello for now however. He needs to know someone is on his side…"
A/N.
So it was at this point when I realized this chapter was way too long. I decided to split it into three(!) parts to make it an easier read, and upload them all at relatively the same time, and two days in between each. So while Part Two is ready right now, I'll still do my usual outro, because it's not coming for another two days. If you've made it this far, thank you, because it means a ton. And once you're done, leave a review, favorite, follow, and as always…
Stay Tuned! ;)